To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Six:

All is Mended

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

[Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet.]

TITANIA

Don’t.

OBERON

Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode?

TITANIA

Don’t.

PUCK

Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to.

TITANIA

Oberon, I swear --

OBERON

Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening.

PUCK

Got it! You said -

[Oberon voice]

Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave.

[Puck voice]

And then you said -

[Oberon voice]

If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move.

[Puck voice]

And then -- (you said)

TITANIA

ENOUGH! I get it, okay?

OBERON

So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work?

TITANIA

[Stammering a bit] 

N-no! That isn’t the lesson here!

OBERON

Are you serious?

TITANIA

I stand by everything I said.

PUCK

Does that include -

[Titania voice]

You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little...]]>Titania and Oberon decide what to do about the chaos among the mortals. Puck plots his next move.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Six:

All is Mended

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

[Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet.]

TITANIA

Don’t.

OBERON

Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode?

TITANIA

Don’t.

PUCK

Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to.

TITANIA

Oberon, I swear --

OBERON

Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening.

PUCK

Got it! You said -

[Oberon voice]

Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave.

[Puck voice]

And then you said -

[Oberon voice]

If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move.

[Puck voice]

And then -- (you said)

TITANIA

ENOUGH! I get it, okay?

OBERON

So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work?

TITANIA

[Stammering a bit] 

N-no! That isn’t the lesson here!

OBERON

Are you serious?

TITANIA

I stand by everything I said.

PUCK

Does that include -

[Titania voice]

You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little more exciting?

TITANIA

Okay, fine, not everything I said! But most of it! It’s not all bad! Helena’s actually sorting out her feelings. That never would’ve happened without us!

OBERON

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the wind whistling through our soon-to-be-empty pantries.

TITANIA

Oh, gods. Look, like I said, I get it, okay? Even if I win a moral victory, 

[retching noises from Oberon] 

there’s no point if we’ve got nothing to eat.

OBERON

Moral victory?

TITANIA

Well, I bet Helena in a Handbasket’s ratings are way better now! Everything was so boring before that it definitely would’ve gotten cancelled eventually anyway!

PUCK

Do podcasts have ratings?

OBERON

Well, looks like we’ll never find out.

TITANIA

And I won the wager! Lysander still hasn’t left!

OBERON

Yes, well, with no emotions to siphon, I can’t make bread either way.

[Beat]

TITANIA

[Sigh] 

You’re right. You’re right! We’ve fucked up our one and only food source for the pandemic. This has gone on long enough.

OBERON

Yeah. I think it has.

PUCK

[Aside, under his breath, very excited] 

Here we go…

TITANIA

The only thing we can do now is work together to fix it.

PUCK

What?

OBERON

[Skeptical] 

You’ve seen what “fixing” things has done.

PUCK

Yeah, yeah, no more fixing things. Look at you two! You can’t even fix yourselves!

TITANIA

Oberon and I haven’t tried to fix anything. We’ve just been letting you run wild.

PUCK

I did what you two asked me to!

OBERON

You did not -- (do what I asked)

TITANIA

It doesn’t matter! Oberon, we knew -- we always knew -- that Puck was going to do his own thing. You and I need to actually give this an honest shot.

OBERON

I have given this an honest shot. I wanted Puck to help.

TITANIA

Well, maybe you’re just dumb, then. 

[Indignant Oberon noises] 

Wait, wait, no. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to say. Come on, be honest with yourself, Oberon. Puck, what did he say when you first volunteered to mess around?

PUCK

Oh, I don’t know if I recall.

TITANIA

Puck.

PUCK

Okay fine, I recall, but don’t make me insult myself!

TITANIA

I am your queen, Puck.

PUCK

Ugh!

[Oberon voice]

You only make things worse!

TITANIA

You’re not dumb. Which means you were...self-sabotaging, or something. 

[Beat] 

Or trying to make me happy.

[Beat]

PUCK

[Notably panicking] 

Ah, come on! You’re giving him way too much credit! He probably just knew you wouldn’t listen to him if he argued!

OBERON

...yeah.

PUCK

Yeah.

TITANIA

I know. I should’ve.

PUCK

No!

OBERON

Really?

TITANIA

Yes. There are two of us

PUCK

THREE!

TITANIA

--in this...penthouse. Y’know, eating from Helena. So our food source should reflect what we both want, not just me.

PUCK

Oh, come on! How can it possibly do that? You’re such different people! Your tastes are so different! Titania, you hate bread!

TITANIA

I don’t hate bread.

PUCK

But you were going carb-free! And he didn’t respect that!

TITANIA

That’s true.

PUCK

And don’t you remember why you went carb free in the first place? You were so bored! The same bread every day!

TITANIA

That’s true too…

PUCK

Exactly! So -- (clearly)

OBERON

I could have tried to mix up my bread recipe.

TITANIA

What?

PUCK

What?

OBERON

You’re right. There are two of us in this penthouse. If you don’t like my sourdough, I shouldn’t force you to eat it. And if you were bored by...Helena and her friends...well, this obviously isn’t working, but you may have been right with what you said about change before. Puck?

PUCK

Gods, you know, I really don’t know if -- (I remember)

OBERON

I am your king, Puck.

PUCK

Uggggghhhhh.

[Titania voice]

The thing about mortals -- about people -- is that they change whether you want them to or not, Oberon.

TITANIA

[Touched] 

I’m surprised you remembered.

OBERON

[Gentle] 

I’ve remembered everything you’ve said to me in the past millennia, my lady. 

[retching noises from Puck] 

Anyway, you’re right. Change does happen naturally.

TITANIA

Yeah, it does. So maybe if we’d just let...Helena and her friends change naturally instead of manufacturing drama, that would’ve been...good enough food.

OBERON

Yeah. But also, I can...adjust my recipes, when change does happen. Instead of just trying to make the same sourdough.

TITANIA

Obi…

[Beat]

OBERON

[very obviously distracted and a little horny] 

Hey, Puck, can you go get one of your potions? We’re gonna need the original if we’re going to reverse it.

PUCK

But --

TITANIA

[also very obviously distracted and a little horny, but firm] 

Go, Puck.

PUCK

But I...ugh. Fine.

[Sound of footsteps retreating as Puck leaves the room, muttering.]

[brief kissing noise]

TITANIA

I’m gonna fuck your brains out after this.

OBERON

Oh, definitely.

[Sound of footsteps reentering the room]

PUCK

[Obviously miffed] 

Alright, here’s the potion. Do whatever.

TITANIA

A reversal spell on one of Puck’s cocktails. You sure you remember how to do this?

OBERON

Oh, trust me, babe, it’ll be like riding a flower petal.

PUCK

God, this is insufferable.

OBERON

I’m turning the podcast up, that’ll give us a stronger connection.

[Podcast is audible in the background]

TITANIA

Alright, hands together. Ooh, you really haven't forgotten how to do this, have you?

OBERON

Not a chance.

TITANIA

Gods, we really are going to fuck about this later.

PUCK

OH MY GODS.

TITANIA

Alright. Count of three. Ready? One, two…

OBERON AND TITANIA

Ti fo ess-nag-orrah ehht roff reh-fuss leew ee-mon-ok-eee ehht d'nah ay-eed-ah dih-puts a see ess-nehr-ruck oh-tip-eh-yerk

[As the spell is cast, we fade out to the sound of the podcast. It’s just muffled arguing, maybe some crying. When they finish the spell the mortals all gasp like something happened, then we hear 4 thuds as they fall unconscious.]

 Scene Two

[After the four thuds, a moment of silence, followed by lots of groans as everyone sits up and gets their bearings.]

HELENA

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Five:

Fond Pageantry

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. MORTAL’S APT.

HERMIA

So is this one live, then?

HELENA

Yeah, we’re live now. On air.

HERMIA

That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that.

HELENA

Uh, thanks. 

HERMIA

And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it.

HELENA

What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in)

HERMIA

Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure…

HELENA

You see yourself as a public figure?

HERMIA

And he’s not exactly a performer, you know?

HELENA

Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him)

HERMIA

He’s like. Really real, you know?

HELENA

Oh. Yeah, I guess--

HERMIA

Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right?

HELENA

...Oh. Well.

[knock on apartment door]

DEMETRIUS

[coming into the room in a hurry]

I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work.

LYSANDER

[following]

You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man…

DEMETRIUS

Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Four:

To Best Please Me

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. MORTALS' PLACE

[Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background.]

DEMETRIUS

Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves?

[sigh]

So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no.

Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but… well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this… normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is… Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations. 

[pause]

And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena.

Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea. 

Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia. 

Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart. 

...Or something like that. I wouldn’t...]]>Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Four:

To Best Please Me

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. MORTALS' PLACE

[Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background.]

DEMETRIUS

Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves?

[sigh]

So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no.

Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but… well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this… normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is… Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations. 

[pause]

And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena.

Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea. 

Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia. 

Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart. 

...Or something like that. I wouldn’t know. 

Erm. I guess, uh. Oh, hey, how about this? Hermia’s trying to get us all to do yoga every morning. And I mean, I’m not opposed to that! You all know I’ve been getting pretty into the kettlebell myself lately. But it feels like she’s trying to bring her insta-fluencing into our routine, mine and Helena’s, and...

[Door opens]

Ah! Lysander?

LYSANDER

Demetrius! It seems someone is at the apartment door.

DEMETRIUS

… can’t you get it?

LYSANDER

I would! But it seemed to upset my beloved Helena when I answered the door last time. And I would rather walk across hot coals than cause her any -- (distress)

DEMETRIUS

Okay! I got it!

[mutters, sound of walking]

Whoever's at the door has got to be more fun than that mess.

[Demetrius opens the door]

HELENA

Hey! Just me! Here’s your honey. It wasn’t nearly as full as you were worried, though. The bees are really becoming so friendly! I didn’t even need the helmet! 

DEMETRIUS

I told you. Patience pays off, right? 

HELENA

Is that the mic? 

DEMETRIUS

Yeah! I thought… I thought I’d make sure you didn’t have to stay up late giving extra hours of material or something. 

HELENA

Oh! Wow. Dimi, thank you, that’s so--

HERMIA

Helena! Are you back? I need your face.  

HELENA

Yeah, that sounds about right. Do you mind holding on to the mic for a little longer? Oh, and I let your Drizly delivery guy into the building! 

DEMETRIUS

Yeah, sure! No problem! And thank you! 

[HELENA walks away]

Wait. Not thank you. I didn’t order-- 

PUCK

[Appearing out of nowhere.]

Demetrius, right?

DEMETRIUS

[Shrill scream.]

Oh my god. Don’t do that. You’re the… Drizly guy? But I didn’t order any-- Hold on. How do you know my name? Do I know you?

PUCK

I come bearing booze!

[leans in to whisper...right at the mic]

About last time I was here...I want to make it up to you.

DEMETRIUS

You were here before?

PUCK

You're my favorite, you know.

DEMETRIUS

I am? Your favorite what?

PUCK

You've always been my favorite, and I wanted to make it up to you.

DEMETRIUS

Make what up to me? I'm sorry, who are you?

PUCK

I'm a basketcase!

DEMETRIUS

Oh...Oh! Helena in a Hand-- Got it! Basketcase! Wait. What are you making up to me?

PUCK

I've been listening?

DEMETRIUS

[looks over his shoulder]

Ah. I mean. It's not like it's your fault.

PUCK

[angelic]

Nothing is ever my fault.

DEMETRIUS

Yeah, that's. What I said.

PUCK

Anyway, I brought this for you. Oatmeal stout, right? Your favorite?

DEMETRIUS

How did you--

PUCK

I listen to the show!

DEMETRIUS

I haven’t really talked about my alcohol preferences on air. Have I?

PUCK

Of course, why wouldn't you! So this is for you, on me!

DEMETRIUS

You brought me free booze?

PUCK

Free as a bird.

DEMETRIUS

Um.

[We hear the bickering a little louder in the background as Demetrius turns toward them and thinks about it. Then he turns back.]

DEMETRIUS

Give it to me.

[pops open a beer can and takes an audible swig]

Ah, thanks man. I owe you one.

PUCK

Anything for my favorite. Enjoy!

HERMIA

[suddenly close]

Demi, settle something for us?

DEMETRIUS

[turns to her startled]

Oh h-hey, Hermia!

[oh no she's hot]

Hey! Um, when did you...

[awkward chuckle]

Heyyy. You look incredible. No wonder you’re an inspiration.

“It is not night when I do see your face,

Therefore I think I am not in the night;

Nor doth this... quarantine...lack worlds of company,

For you in my respect are all the world:

Then how can it be said I am alone,

When all the world is here to look on me?”

Scene Two

[Long, extremely pregnant pause followed by a single, high, off-key guitar note.]

OBERON

Unbelievable.

PUCK

Is it, though?

TITANIA

You know what, that’s fair. This is a lot of things, but “unexpected” is not one of them. Why do you keep letting him help?

OBERON

[Audible air quotes] Help.

PUCK

Hey, I really did help this time! You wanted me to whammy Demetrius, I whammied Demetrius!

OBERON

You were supposed to make him fall in love with HELENA!

PUCK

Isn’t he already in love with Helena?

OBERON

Stop pretending you don’t know what I mean! You were supposed to help them get together!

PUCK

I don’t recall you specifying that. You of all people should know that the fae follow the letter of the request, not the spirit. Aren’t you our king, technically?

OBERON

You have not followed the letter of my request. I said I wanted Helena to be happy. She’s been upset all day!

PUCK

You requested that Demetrius got a love potion. You hoped that Demetrius getting a love potion would make Helena happy. I’m not responsible for the fact that it made her miserable.

TITANIA

She has been miserable. Which has been a lot of food. 

[guitar, considering]

OBERON

A lot of bad food.

PUCK

Oh, come on, this might be good! This is exactly what Helena wanted! Demetrius is in love with Hermia! This should be making her happy -- but it’s not! Right now she’s probably holed up in her room, wondering why that is. The drama! The heartache! The realizations on the horizon! It’s immaculate! It’s straight out of Friends!

OBERON

Friends is a bad show! I’m not spending this whole quarantine feeding off of Friends!

[Snarky guitar]

TITANIA

[snide] Nobody likes a picky eater.

OBERON

You -- stop that, you’re mad at Puck too.

PUCK

What? No she’s not.

TITANIA

No, I am.

PUCK

Alright, worth a shot.

TITANIA

I’m mad at Puck for being a little shit, but come on. How old are you, complaining about your food?

OBERON

I see. Yesterday I’m too old, and now I’m a baby.

TITANIA

[smug cool riffing] 

You said it, not me. All I’m saying is that you’ve been around for millennia. Surely you can afford to expand your palette a little.

OBERON

I’ve already tried everything I needed to try. My palette is fine.

PUCK

Look, I’ll fix it, okay? You just need to be specific with what you want, and I’ll get it done.

OBERON

I want --

TITANIA

Woah, hold on. We’re not even at the end of the episode yet.

OBERON

What, do you think this is going to resolve itself in the next

 [pause, Oberon checks the time on the episode] 

twenty-six minutes?

TITANIA

I think that mortals are delicate and their emotions are complicated, and you should gather all the information before you send Puck hammering about like the blunt instrument he is.

OBERON

Ugh. Fine. But this conversation is not over.

PUCK

[Chipper] Of course not! Why would either of you ever let a conversation end?

[Click of the play button]

Scene Three

INT. MORTALS'...]]>d334ac64-2067-45a3-bef6-004903665446Sun, 11 Jul 2021 00:00:00 -070027:54truefull44Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.Faustian NonsenseEpisode 3: Two at Once Will Woo OnePuck brings the mortals a special delivery.

To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Episode Three:

Two at Once Will Woo One

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

The Mortals’ podcast

[Helena in a Handbasket opening] 

HELENA 

Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. 

LYSANDER 

Are we out of milk? 

HELENA 

There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! 

LYSANDER 

Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?

HELENA

And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. 

HERMIA

[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?

HELENA

Ugh. [Shouting] No!

[Hermia enters Helena’s room]

HERMIA

Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?

HELENA

What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! 

HERMIA

Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. 

HELENA

And what was it he sprained again? 

LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY] 

Ankle./Shoulder. 

….Shoulder?/...Ankle? 

LYSANDER 

My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...

[LYSANDER limps away]

HERMIA

The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel.