Great Sex Podcast

39: Erectile Dysfunction Series: The Hidden Triggers that Cause Your Erectile Dysfunction to Keep on a Keep'in On

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 17:30:00 -0600

Summary:

In this episode of The Great Sex Podcast, Dr. Heather England dives into the often-overlooked emotional and relational roots of erectile dysfunction (ED). Discover how stress, relationship dynamics, shame, and performance anxiety contribute to ED—and learn actionable insights to break the cycle and improve your sexual confidence.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

Key topics covered:

Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction: The Psychological and Relational Factors You Need to Know

Key Topics:

The cyclical nature of psychological causes of ED and how they reinforce each other
The critical role of emotional intimacy and communication in recovery
How stress, depression, and life changes impact sexual performance
The influence of shame and limiting beliefs about sex
Performance anxiety: how it develops and how to interrupt it
The dangers of avoidance behaviors and how to reframe intimacy
Practical strategies: talking openly about ED, reducing secrecy, and seeking support

Timestamps:

00:00 - The story of Andy: understanding performance anxiety and ED cycle

02:05 - Physical causes of ED versus psychological and relational factors

03:01 - The impact of relationship quality, communication, and trust on ED

03:45 - How emotional withdrawal can worsen ED and the importance of emotional intimacy

04:26 - The role of conversations about sex in improving intimacy and ED recovery

05:22 - Stress as a major contributor to ED: work, financial, and family stressors

06:08 - The connection between depression and ED, and addressing mental health

07:05 - Life transitions and their effects on sexual functioning

07:59 - Sexual concerns such as low desire, premature ejaculation, and pain

08:28 - Shame, cultural beliefs, and secrecy: barriers to recovery

09:20 - The importance of open communication and empathy in reducing shame

09:52 - How limited sexual knowledge affects confidence and contributes to ED

10:17 - Avoidance behaviors and their reinforcement of ED cycles

11:02 - Performance anxiety: how anticipatory worries sabotage arousal

11:56 - The neurological process of anxiety and its impact on presence during sex

13:03 - Breaking the cycle: reassurance that ED symptoms are human, not failures

13:41 - The core message: connection and honest conversation as the keys to recovery

14:09 - Practical tips: talk openly, seek therapy, and foster emotional intimacy

14:30 - Final thoughts and encouragement to prioritize communication and support

38. Erectile Dysfunction Series: The Many Medical Causes for Erectile Dysfunction

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 17:15:00 -0600

Summary:

In this episode of the Great Sex Podcast, Dr. Heather England explores the complex causes of erectile dysfunction (ED), emphasizing that it’s a medical condition with physical and psychological roots. She aims to dispel myths and empower men and their partners with knowledge and actionable steps to address ED effectively.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

Key topics covered:

The physical factors contributing to ED, including cardiovascular health, diabetes, obesity, medication side effects, and hormonal imbalances
How lifestyle choices such as smoking, alcohol consumption, sleep quality, and fatigue influence erectile function
The psychological cycle of performance anxiety and how physical causes can lead to long-term mental and emotional impacts
The importance of consulting healthcare providers for proper diagnosis, blood work, and early intervention
Practical steps for lifestyle modifications and addressing emotional well-being to improve sexual health

Timestamps:

00:00 - Introduction: Real stories behind ED and what nobody tells you

00:30 - The physical causes of ED: exhaustion, high blood pressure, and more

01:27 - The significance of understanding ED as a medical and psychological condition

02:46 - The role of cardiovascular health in sexual performance

03:42 - How clogged arteries can be an early warning sign for heart problems

04:39 - The impact of diabetes on erectile function and the importance of blood sugar control

05:06 - Obesity's link to ED and the power of weight loss and activity

05:31 - Medications that can cause ED and the importance of consulting your doctor

05:58 - Tobacco use increases ED risk; quitting can restore vascular health

06:28 - Alcohol's depressant effects on arousal and testosterone levels

07:00 - Low testosterone’s impact on erections and overall health

07:41 - Sleep apnea as an underdiagnosed contributor to ED

08:15 - Fatigue and exhaustion as significant yet often overlooked causes

09:01 - Neurological conditions, prostate treatments, Peyronie’s disease, and other medical factors

10:37 - The cycle of physical and psychological causes, and how worry perpetuates ED

11:05 - Practical advice: get medical testing, lifestyle changes, and emotional support

12:22 - The importance of addressing both physical and psychological factors for recovery

13:10 - Success story: Dan’s journey to overcoming ED through medical care and lifestyle adjustments

13:47 - Closing remarks: hope, support, and creating fulfilling sexual relationships

37. Erectile Dysfunction Series: When the Little Blue Pill Doesn't Work; Reigniting Intimacy with Erectile Dysfunction

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 17:00:00 -0600

In this episode, Dr. Heather England explores the nuanced nature of erectile dysfunction (ED), emphasizing that medications like Viagra are helpful but not foolproof solutions. She discusses the impact of performance anxiety, relationship dynamics, and lifestyle factors, offering practical guidance to improve intimacy and emotional connection.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

Key Topics:

The story of Joe: the emotional toll of ED and quiet suffering
Why medications like Viagra may fail for 30% of men
The role of performance anxiety and how the brain reacts to sexual setbacks
The physiological effects of stress and fear on arousal
How avoidance behaviors deepen intimacy issues
The importance of emotional connection and relationship health in desire
Medical options beyond medication, including dosage adjustments and alternative treatments
The significance of open communication with your partner
Shifting the definition of sex to reduce pressure and enhance intimacy
Basic lifestyle factors impacting erectile health: sleep, diet, stress, alcohol
The value of addressing psychological factors like anxiety and relationship issues
Success stories: Joe’s journey into therapy and improved intimacy

Timestamps:

00:00 - Introduction: The emotional impact of ED and why it matters

00:27 - Joe’s story: silence and suffering in ED

01:03 - Description of Dr. Heather’s ED series and available workshops

02:15 - The benefits and limitations of ED medications

02:44 - Why 30% of men don’t respond well to pills like Viagra

03:08 - Practical factors influencing medication effectiveness (timing, health conditions)

03:48 - Performance anxiety: what it is and how it affects physiology

04:13 - The brain’s threat detection response during sexual activity

04:34 - How anxiety redirects blood flow away from arousal

05:03 - The cycle of anxiety, medication, and failure

05:30 - The dangers of self-medicating and supplement misuse

05:56 - Avoidance as a barrier to intimacy and increased anxiety

06:23 - The importance of emotional connection in desire

06:53 - Creating desire through emotional intimacy and shared experiences

07:20 - Practical steps: medical consultation and treatment options

07:46 - Open communication with your partner and addressing silence

08:15 - Directly addressing performance anxiety with tools like mindfulness

08:41 - Redefining what sex means to reduce pressure and promote relaxation

09:08 - The role of life habits: sleep, diet, stress management

09:58 - Broader solutions: psychological work, relationship repair, and personal growth

10:27 - Success story: Joe’s therapy journey and renewed intimacy

10:45 - Encouragement: overcoming silence and deepening connection**Resources

36. Erectile Dysfunction Series: The Biggest Contributor to Erectile Dysfunction

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 01:00:00 -0600

Summary:

In this episode of the Great Sex Podcast, Dr. Heather England explains the often-misunderstood phenomenon of performance anxiety erectile dysfunction (ED). She shares practical insights, physiological explanations, and actionable strategies to help men rebuild confidence and trust in their bodies for healthier intimacy.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

Understanding and Overcoming Performance Anxiety-Related ED with Dr. Heather England

Key Topics Covered:

The difference between physical ED and performance anxiety ED
How anxiety triggers physiological responses that impair erections
The role of the nervous system and safety in arousal
Why reassurance and more effort often worsen performance anxiety
The limitations of medication for anxiety-driven ED
Skill-based practices to retrain your body's response
The importance of practicing in a pressure-reducing way
Addressing partner involvement and reassurance tips
Reassuring men that ED is a learned pattern, not a character flaw
Steps to rebuild trust in your body and enjoy intimacy again

Timestamps:

00:00 - Introduction to performance anxiety ED and why it matters

00:23 - Real-life example of performance anxiety and its impact

0:52 - What is performance anxiety ED and common misconceptions

1:20 - The role of emotional and physiological responses during sex

2:16 - Understanding the difference: Physical issues vs. anxiety-driven ED

3:13 - How anxiety creates a self-fulfilling cycle of ED

3:42 - The physiology of erections and the importance of feeling safe

4:10 - Why anxious thoughts interfere with the nervous system's response

4:35 - How the nervous system reacts to threat and the effect on blood flow

5:03 - The paradox of reassurance and attempts to 'try harder'

5:58 - Limits of medication in solving anxiety-based ED

6:27 - The importance of retraining the nervous system through practice

6:56 - Why desire to eliminate anxiety entirely isn't realistic

7:07 - How avoidance can reinforce anxiety and the importance of exposure

7:21 - Moving from managing to experiencing pleasure without pressure

7:50 - Recognizing that physiological responses are learned, not flaws

8:16 - Strategies for changing the response pattern through skill-based practice

8:46 - Accepting that anxiety may always show up and how to handle it

9:15 - The significance of staying in your body and sensations

9:44 - Clarifying common myths: It’s not ‘in your head’ or a character flaw

10:13 - When medication doesn’t work, and the importance of matching tools to issues

10:41 - The role of partner involvement and reassurance tips

11:12 - Key takeaways: ED as a nervous system pattern that’s learnable

11:41 - Final encouragement: You’re not broken, and recovery is possible

This episode offers a compassionate, science-based approach to understanding ED caused by performance anxiety, emphasizing skills and practice for lasting change.

35. Erectile Dysfunction Series - How ED Poisons Relationships and What to Do About It

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 01:00:00 -0600

Summary:

Discover how erectile dysfunction affects relationships beyond the bedroom, and learn practical strategies to foster intimacy, communication, and emotional connection during this challenging time. Hosted by Dr. Heather England, a certified sex therapist, this episode offers candid insights from someone living with ED and shares resources to support couples.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

Key Topics:

The prevalence of ED: 30 million men in the US and 326 million worldwide experience ED, increasing with age
Emotional and relational impact of ED: how withdrawing from touch and intimacy affects both partners
Societal and cultural silence around ED: the shame and unspoken secrecy that worsen the problem
The role of psychological factors: anxiety, depression, stress, and performance pressure often contribute to ED
Strategies for navigating ED: ongoing communication, redefining intimacy beyond penetrative sex, and seeking professional support
Personal perspective: Dr. England shares her experience living with her husband's ED and how their relationship evolved
Resources for support: online workshops for partners and individuals dealing with performance anxiety and intimacy challenges
Importance of continuous dialogue: treating ED as a chronic issue rather than a one-time crisis

34. Erectile Dysfunction Series - Why Trying Hard Makes Your ED Worse and What to Do Instead

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 01:00:00 -0600

Summary:

Discover how psychological and societal factors intertwine with physical health to shape men's experiences with ED, and learn practical strategies to redefine success and foster genuine connection.

Resources & Links:

Connect with Dr. Heather England:

In this episode:

The emotional toll of ED exemplified through Marcus's story of shame and vulnerability
How spectatoring and the fight-or-flight response impact erection and intimacy
The harmful "manhood myth" and its role in identity and performance pressure
The psychological spiral that sustains ED beyond physical causes
Practical tips to shift from performance focus to authentic connection
The importance of honesty and professional support in overcoming ED
Success stories illustrating the power of redefining intimacy and self-perception

Timestamps:

00:00 - A real-life story illustrating the emotional impact of ED

00:25 - The shame and identity crisis triggered by first episodes

00:53 - Introducing the episode and Dr. Heather England’s background

01:19 - Changes in podcast focus and midlife exploration

02:16 - Resource: Substack for intimacy and midlife topics

03:12 - Workshop details for performance anxiety and partner support

03:46 - ED as an emotionally charged experience beyond physical causes

04:15 - How the brain interprets initial ED episodes as a threat

04:44 - Spectatoring: Being an observer of oneself during sex

05:13 - The biological fight-or-flight response affecting blood flow

05:40 - The myth of the "real man" and its effects on self-worth

07:09 - How societal stories about masculinity shape perceptions of performance

07:34 - The impact of performance-based identity on men's confidence

08:04 - The physical and psychological components of ED

08:32 - Situational causes versus ongoing anxiety loops

09:01 - The sleep analogy: Relaxation is key to relaxation and erection

09:29 - Reframing what success means in intimacy

09:57 - Moving from performance to connection and pleasure

10:27 - The importance of genuine intimacy over solely physical success

10:53 - Partner's perspective and the emotional impact of shutdowns

11:23 - The critical need to seek support and avoid isolation

11:52 - The role of therapy and honesty in recovery

12:22 - Summary of key points: psychological influences, myths, and the healing process

12:50 - Success stories and transforming perceptions of intimacy

13:12 - Marcus’s turnaround through self-perception and managing anxiety

13:40 - Encouragement to prioritize authentic connection and seek support

Remember:

Overcoming ED involves understanding both the physical and emotional layers. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Transform the narrative around masculinity and intimacy, and rediscover pleasure and connection beyond performance.

33. Avoiding Masturbation Mistakes

Wed, 22 May 2024 03:00:00 -0600

🙂 If you have erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety may be impacting you. Learn how to overcome performance anxiety erectile dysfunction: https://www.lovefilledlife.com/Overcome-Performance-Anxiety-workshop

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England discusses male masturbation and the importance of using the right technique. She advises using lube, a lighter touch, and a slower motion during masturbation to create neural pathways that mimic partnered sex. She acknowledges that her opinion may be controversial but encourages listeners to consider the information and apply it to their own lives.

Takeaways

The right masturbation technique can help with arousal and prevent issues contributing to erectile dysfunction.
Using a hard grip, no lube, and a fast motion during masturbation can cause your penis to expect intense stimulation to stay aroused and thus hinder arousal during partnered sex.
Train the penis to be aroused during masturbation in a way that mimics partnered sex by using lube, a lighter touch, and a slower motion.
Be mindful of the neural pathways created during masturbation and aim to create pathways that are similar to partnered sex.
Consider the information shared and apply it to your own life, taking into account your own experiences and preferences.

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32. Creating Ways to Get in the Mood for Sex

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England discusses the process of transitioning from a non-sexual state to a sexual one. She emphasizes the importance of consent and empowerment in one's sexuality. Dr. England provides practical tips and activities to help individuals get in the mood for sex, such as engaging in activities that create closeness with their partner, thinking about past fulfilling sexual experiences, and exploring fantasies and erotica. She also highlights the significance of mental and emotional preparation, including self-talk and relaxation techniques. The episode concludes with a challenge for listeners to identify ways to transition themselves into a sexual mindset.

Takeaways

Consent and empowerment are essential in one's sexuality.
Engaging in activities that create closeness with your partner can help get you in the mood for sex.
Thinking about past fulfilling sexual experiences and exploring fantasies and erotica can enhance sexual desire.
Mental and emotional preparation, such as self-talk and relaxation techniques, can facilitate the transition to a sexual mindset.
It is important to embrace and empower your sexuality.

Chapters

00:00 Setting the Stage

03:48 Transitioning from Being Non-Sexual to Sexual

07:57 Activities to Get in the Mood

13:19 Mental and Emotional Preparation

15:09 Exploring Fantasies and Erotica

________________________________________________

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🙂 Sign up for my free tips about strengthening love 💕, sex, and self-esteem at www.lovefilledlife.com

💕 CLICK HERE to submit a question or topic for an episode.

31. Signs of an Unhappy Relationship

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 03:00:00 -0600

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🚀 Take Charge of Erectile Dysfunction confidential course at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/erectile-dysfunction-masterclass

🙂 Sign up for my free tips about strengthening love 💕, sex, and self-esteem at www.lovefilledlife.com

30: What Happens in Therapy and Sex Therapy?

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England interviews Beverly Rouse, a licensed clinical professional counselor and executive coach, about therapy and sex therapy. Beverly shares her journey from the military to becoming a therapist and explains the role of therapy in helping individuals navigate challenges and improve their relationships. She also discusses the misconceptions about sex therapy and highlights the importance of self-care in maintaining overall well-being.

Takeaways

Therapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals to explore their challenges and work towards personal growth.
Sex therapy is a specialized form of therapy that focuses on addressing sexual issues and improving sexual well-being.
It is important to find a therapist who is a good fit for you and with whom you feel comfortable discussing sensitive topics.
Self-care is essential for maintaining overall well-being and should be prioritized to prevent burnout and promote self-compassion.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

02:24 Becoming a Therapist

05:16 Challenges of Deployment

08:11 Asking for Help

10:35 The Role of Therapy

14:51 What is Sex Therapy?

Ms. Rouse's Contact Information:

Empowering Insight, LLC

Email: empoweringinsight@gmail.com

Her LinkedIn

________________________________________________

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🙂 Sign up for my free tips about strengthening love 💕, sex, and self-esteem at www.lovefilledlife.com

🚀 Take Charge of Erectile Dysfunction confidential course at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/erectile-dysfunction-masterclass

❤️ Get my FREE resource 10 Days to Better Relationships at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/10-Days-to-Better-Relationships

🔥 Get the FREE guide to 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life at www.lovefilledlife.com/69-ways

💕 CLICK HERE to submit a question or topic for an episode.

Mentioned in this episode:

Toy Talk Sex Toy Course

29. Redefining Sex: Moving Beyond Intercourse for Deeper Intimacy

Tue, 05 Mar 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England discusses the importance of talking about sex and challenges the societal norms around intercourse. She emphasizes the need for open communication and negotiation in sexual relationships. Dr. England also highlights the unrealistic expectations set by Hollywood and the pressure it puts on both men and women. She encourages listeners to explore other pleasurable and connecting activities beyond intercourse.

Takeaways

Talking about sex is important for healthy relationships and overall well-being.
Intercourse is not the only goal of sex and may not be pleasurable or satisfying for everyone.
Societal norms and media portrayals of sex can create unrealistic expectations and feelings of inadequacy.
Couples should explore and redefine their own sexual menu based on what is pleasurable and connecting for them.

#sex #relationships #communication #intercourse #pleasure #connection #Intimacy #RelationshipGoals #SexualWellness #Empowerment #SelfEsteem #SexualDiversity #OpenCommunication #RedefiningSex

________________________________________________

🔥 Learn How to use Sex Toys to Enhance your Pleasure. Toy Talk Sex Toy Course available at www.lovefilledlife.com/ToyTalk

🙂 Sign up for my free tips about strengthening love 💕, sex, and self-esteem at www.lovefilledlife.com

🚀 Take Charge of Erectile Dysfunction confidential course at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/erectile-dysfunction-masterclass

❤️ Get my FREE resource 10 Days to Better Relationships at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/10-Days-to-Better-Relationships

🔥 Get the FREE guide to 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life at www.lovefilledlife.com/69-ways

💕 CLICK HERE to submit a question or topic for an episode.

28. Is it OK if I Don't Want to Have Intercourse Anymore

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England addresses a listener's question about not wanting to have intercourse with their partner. She emphasizes the importance of consent and the negative effects of having sex when not desired. Dr. England explores various reasons for not wanting intercourse, including lack of enjoyment, past traumas, societal influences, and unmet needs. She encourages open communication and relationship negotiation to find a solution that satisfies both partners. Dr. England also suggests exploring other pleasurable activities and addressing pain during intercourse. Lastly, she discusses the concept of viewing sex as a gift for one's partner.

Takeaways

Consent is crucial in any sexual activity, and it is important to feel safe saying no.
Understanding the reasons behind not wanting intercourse can help address underlying issues.
Open communication and negotiation are key to finding a solution satisfying both partners.
Exploring other pleasurable activities and addressing pain during intercourse can enhance sexual intimacy.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction: Question about not wanting intercourse

03:19: Reasons for not wanting intercourse

07:19: Exploring underlying issues

11:34: Negotiating and compromising in the relationship

13:00: Finding other pleasurable activities

13:59: Addressing pain during intercourse

19:10: Viewing sex as a gift

19:38: Conclusion and call to action

________________________________________________

🙂 Sign up for my free tips about strengthening love 💕, sex, and self-esteem at www.lovefilledlife.com

🔥 Learn How to use Sex Toys to Enhance your Pleasure. Toy Talk Sex Toy Course available at www.lovefilledlife.com/ToyTalk

🚀 Take Charge of Erectile Dysfunction confidential course at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/erectile-dysfunction-masterclass

❤️ Get my FREE resource 10 Days to Better Relationships at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/10-Days-to-Better-Relationships

Mentioned in this episode:

Toy Talk Sex Toy Course

27. A Special Announcement and a Fabulous Valentine's Day

Tue, 13 Feb 2024 03:00:00 -0600

In this episode, Heather shares an announcement about rebranding the podcast and then provides a tip for Valentine's Day.

The tip focuses on making your partner feel valued and cherished.

Takeaways

The podcast is being rebranded to cover a broader range of topics beyond just sex.
Valentine's Day is an opportunity to make your partner feel valued and cherished.
There are many simple and thoughtful ways to show your love and appreciation. These don't have to be a grand gesture or expensive.
Investing in your relationship and doing little things for your partner can strengthen your bond whether you do them on Valentine's Day or all of the other days of the year.

26. Beyond the Baby Blues: Postpartum Anxiety and Depression

Tue, 06 Feb 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Everything You Wanted to Know

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England and Michelle Tangeman discuss postpartum anxiety and depression. They explore the typical responses and challenges that new parents face after having a baby, including hormonal changes and the impact on relationships. They differentiate between baby blues and postpartum depression, emphasizing the importance of seeking help if symptoms persist beyond two weeks. The prevalence of postpartum mood disorders is highlighted, with one in five moms experiencing a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. The episode concludes with practical tips for supporting a loved one and finding a competent therapist for postpartum mood disorders.

Takeaways

Postpartum anxiety and depression can have a significant impact on new parents' emotional well-being, identity, relationships, and sex life.
It is important to differentiate between baby blues and postpartum depression, with the latter characterized by persistent symptoms beyond two weeks.
Risk factors for postpartum mood disorders include personal and family history, lack of support, medication changes, history of domestic violence or abuse, and pregnancy loss.
Support from friends, family, and professionals is crucial in helping new parents navigate the challenges of the postpartum period.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be an effective treatment for postpartum mood disorders, helping individuals challenge negative thoughts and reduce symptoms.

Guest Bio:

Michelle Tangeman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Board Certified Behavioral Analyst in private practice in the LA area. She is a child and family therapist in private practice at Michelle Tangeman Behavioral Health. Michelle has extensive experience in individualized behavior intervention, Functional Behavior Assessments, school-based services, family-focused intervention, early start services, and social skills training and provides these services to families across Ventura and Los Angeles counties. She has also completed the training as part of the Postpartum Support International’s Advanced Perinatal Mental Health Psychotherapy Training Program.

Additionally, Michelle founded an online education company, Thriving Toddler focused on helping as many people as possible become the parents they want to be.

Michelle is also a podcast host and the co-founder of the Parenting Understood podcast. Michelle and her co-host are passionate about teaching parents about evidence-based interventions grounded in science to make a positive impact on the parent-child relationship.

Resources:

Beyond the Blues: Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

by Shoshana S. Bennett PhD and Pec Indman PA,EdD

PostPartum Support International

25: When Your Partner Does Things That Annoy You

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather discusses the difference between deal breakers and non-deal breakers in relationships. Deal breakers are actions or behaviors that breach core values and create irreparable cracks in the relationship, while non-deal breakers are annoyances that do not warrant ending the relationship. Dr. Heather provides examples of both deal breakers and non-deal breakers, such as abuse, opposing goals, financial disagreements, and differing tastes in music or hobbies. She also offers strategies for managing non-deal breakers, including processing feelings, changing mindset, practicing gratitude, showing compassion, and being curious. Dr. Heather emphasizes the importance of personal growth and transformation in strengthening relationships.

Takeaways

Differentiate between deal breakers and non-deal breakers in your relationship.
Deal breakers breach core values and create irreparable cracks in the relationship.
Non-deal breakers are annoyances that can be managed through personal growth and understanding.
Strategies for managing non-deal breakers include processing feelings, changing mindset, practicing gratitude, showing compassion, and being curious.

Learn more at www.lovefilledlife.com

24. How Medications Can Affect Your Sexual Desire, Arousal, and Ability to Orgasm

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

This episode explores the impact of medications on sexual functioning. Listen as we explore various categories of medications, including antihistamines, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and others that can affect sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm.

The episode emphasizes the importance of open communication with healthcare providers and offers suggestions for managing medication-related sexual side effects. It also highlights the need for self-advocacy and seeking support from mental health professionals.

Please note this episode does not offer medical advice but rather highlights potential side-effects from over-the-counter and prescriptions medications on your sexual functioning. You should discuss your concerns with your medical provider.

Takeaways

Many over-the-counter and prescription medications can impact sexual desire and functioning.
Antihistamines, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and other drugs can affect sexual functioning.
It is important to have open and honest communication with healthcare providers about medication-related sexual side effects.
Lifestyle changes, alternative medications, and supplemental treatments can help manage medication-related sexual dysfunction.

23. How Body Image Impacts Our Self-Esteem, Sexual Confidence and Sexual Self-Expression

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Heather England discusses body image and its impact on self-esteem and sexual expression with Cassie Willnauer, a licensed therapist specializing in body image and sexuality. They explore the Health at Every Size movement, challenging negative body image thoughts, and the importance of body acceptance in relationships. They also discuss the need for individualized approaches to sexuality and the role of mindfulness in overcoming distractions during sex. The episode provides valuable insights and practical tips for improving body image and enhancing sexual experiences.

Takeaways

Challenge negative body image thoughts by questioning their validity and considering cognitive distortions.
Practice body acceptance and allow yourself to be seen and touched by your partner.
Embrace individualized approaches to sexuality and be open to modifying sexual experiences to accommodate changes in your body.
Communicate with your partner about body image concerns and work together to create a positive and supportive environment.

Learn more about Cassie Willnauer at https://www.cassiewillnauer.com/

Books

The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor,

What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon

"You Just Need To Lose Weight" and 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D..

Accessible Sex Devices:

Extra Long Handled Vibrator

Liberator Wedge Pillow

22. Relationships are the Secret to Happiness and a Good Life

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Is happiness the key to a good life? What if the key to a good life is really something else? Let’s explore what matters for your long-term happiness and health.

In this episode, Dr. Heather England explores the key to a good life and long-term happiness. She discusses the findings from a long-term study on adult development and emphasizes the importance of cultivating good relationships. Meaningful connections with family, friends, and romantic partners contribute significantly to overall happiness and well-being. The study also highlights the importance of emotional intimacy within long-term relationships and the detrimental effects of toxic relationships. Loneliness is identified as a major public health challenge, with strong social support networks protecting against mental health issues. The impact of childhood relationships on adult health and happiness is also discussed. Dr. England concludes by encouraging listeners to take action and nurture their relationships for a better life.

Takeaways

Cultivating good relationships is the key to a good life and long-term happiness.
Meaningful connections with family, friends, and romantic partners contribute significantly to overall happiness and well-being.
Toxic relationships should be eliminated to protect mental and physical health.
Loneliness is a major public health challenge, and strong social support networks are crucial for well-being.
Childhood relationships have a lasting impact on adult health and happiness.
Taking action to nurture relationships is essential for a better life.

"The Good Life" by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.

Download 10 Days to Great Relationships at www.heatherengland.com or www.lovefilledlife.com

21. Start the new year with intention: choose a word of the year

Tue, 02 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

In this episode, Heather discusses setting intentions for the new year instead of traditional resolutions. She shares her experience of choosing a word as an intention and how it has positively impacted her life. Heather emphasizes the importance of being present and focusing on relationships. She encourages listeners to choose their own word of the year and explains how it can bring about positive change.

Takeaways

Instead of setting traditional resolutions, consider choosing a word as an intention for the year.

Being present in the moment can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.

Prioritizing relationships over work can bring about a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Choosing a word of the year can profoundly impact personal growth and well-being.

For more information about strengthening relationships and creating your best life, visit www.lovefilledlife.com

For a fun way to close out 2023 and organize your thoughts and goals for 2024, check out this cool planner on Etsy by YarBar Studios.

20: 3 Easy Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Partner

Tue, 26 Dec 2023 03:00:00 -0600

I am taking a brief break over the holidays so today's podcast is a replay of one of our most popular episodes.

Strengthening your relationship with your partner is important even if your relationship is going well and there are easy things you can intentionally do to create a fabulous relationship.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

19: One of the Best Ways to Make Difficult Decisions

Tue, 19 Dec 2023 03:00:00 -0600

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We are all looking for ways to manage our stress levels and to make important decisions in our lives. I want to share one of my favorite ways to make decisions while managing my stress and negative thoughts, and I think it's one of the best ways.

And no, I'm not going to tell you to meditate. Or practice mindfulness. Or take deep breaths or make a list of pros and cons. Although those are wonderful tools that truly are helpful.

What I'm going to suggest is that you learn the fine art of giving yourself permission.

Permission? For what? I’m sure that’s what you are thinking. But yes, you heard that right. I think you should learn how to give yourself permission to do a host of things in your life.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to do something big like end your relationship or your marriage.

Or you need to give yourself permission to quit your job, or to retire, or to get a new job.

Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to end a toxic friendship or to stand up for yourself with a difficult person.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to skip a social event and spend the night hunkered down on the couch in your PJ's watching a good movie

What if you need to give yourself permission to share your feelings with your partner and tell them you need them to show up for you – or that you need to start counseling with or without them.

Or maybe you struggle with perfectionism. And you need to give yourself permission to not be perfect. To not have the perfect house or the perfect makeup. Or the perfect car. Or the perfect vacation. Or the perfect children. That can be an awful lot of pressure on not just you, but also your children.

What if you need to give yourself permission to sit down and relax and not be a whirling dervish of activity?

Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to ask for help when you need it.

Maybe it's something simple like giving yourself permission to sign up for piano lessons even though you are 45. Or take a painting class or start learning how to knit.

Whatever it is, it's important. Everyone needs to give themselves permission to do something and this is such a simple little concept, but it can be so life-changing.

First, let me give you a little background about this idea. Many years ago, I was inspired by Dr. Brené Brown's research on shame and vulnerability. She was catapulted into popularity by a Ted Talk. I completed all the requirements to become a certified facilitator of her therapy materials. If you've never heard of Brené Brown, she has wonderful books about overcoming perfectionism, managing shame, and learning better ways to be in relationships with others. You can read about them on my Resource page on lovefilledlife.com. What I really like about her is that all of her content is backed by research. So she's not just blowing smoke like many people do, including all of the people with no training that are sharing mental health content on social media.

One of the tips in her course materials was this idea of writing out a permission slip. I used to facilitate small groups of women through the course materials. They were and still are called Daring Way and Rising Strong groups. We always completed permission slips as I started taking a small group of people through the course materials.

Everyone would write down what they felt they needed to give themselves permission for. It might be something like having the courage to share in the group setting. Or doing extra self-care while they went through the course materials.

The intention behind permission slips was to get people to think about what they had to give themselves permission to do or not do in order. To free themselves up, to make some type of positive movement forward in their lives.

This idea of giving ourselves permission is absolutely brilliant because, in the process of doing it, you end up doing deep thought about what is holding you back. I love that it makes you dig deeper what you are thinking and how you are feeling about various parts of your life.

I think I can illustrate this best if I give you a personal example. Many years ago, I was looking for clinical space for my therapy practice. It was very challenging to find an individual space that was affordable, given that therapists also need waiting rooms on top of their office space.

I ended up meeting another therapist that was also looking for office space. We didn't know each other very well, but what little we knew we liked. So we decided to proceed forward with finding some type of space that was big enough for both of us, but that also had several other offices that we could rent out to other clinicians. We thought this would be a great way to create a community environment but also help offset the high cost of rent.

We worked with a realtor and found several spaces. Finally, it was time to make the decision and sign the lease for one of the spaces. It was a really expensive monthly payment. Plus, the contract was for six years. And geez, Six years is a very long time to commit to something, especially with someone you don't know very well.

I became absolutely paralyzed with fear. I couldn't make a decision. I was completely stuck. And we were under time pressure to get a place because the leases on our current office spaces were running out. The pressure to make the decision made it much worse. And it made me even more stuck. Finally, I decided to do what I've successfully done with so many clients and that was to consider what I had to give myself permission to do or not do.

And the result of doing this was literally magic. It enabled me to sign the lease and start what ended up being an incredibly positive journey in a magnificent office space with an incredible business partner and wonderful co-workers.

I want to share with you what I did because I think it really illustrates how helpful this can be. And then you’ll have a real-world example about how you can apply it to your life.

Like many people, I struggle with perfectionism. My perfectionism is not rooted in how I look or how my kids look or how my house looks but more in my own personal performance. And part of that is a lifelong fear of making a mistake and making the wrong decision.

I also grew up poor for part of my childhood years. So making a financial mistake. Is also something I've always struggled with. I could spend an entire podcast explaining how I got to this place. But in a nutshell, I grew up with an amazingly loving mother who also had lots of anxiety. And her anxiety caused her to criticize me. She loved me so much that she was afraid I might make a bad decision. Or people wouldn't like me. Or the sky would fall, etc. Anxiety is not rational. And honestly, I don't know all of the things my mother worried about? I only know that it came out as criticism and I was left with this feeling that I was never enough. I'm sharing this because I know many of you may also have grown up in similar situations and ended up with the core belief that you somehow aren't enough. I've spent my life overcoming that core belief and growing my self-esteem.

So as I was faced with this decision about the office space., I wrestled with my fear of making. The wrong choice. What if we didn't get enough sublessors and it ended up being a financial disaster. What if my business partner and I didn't like each other after six months?. What if it just didn't work out? What if I didn't want to be a therapist in three years? What if, What if, What if? Doing what if’s? Is a fast track to stress and anxiety. They served to sink me further into indecision.

I did some deep soul-searching about what I needed to give myself permission for. And I realized I need it to give myself permission to make a mistake. I did a deep dive into exploring my thought about where my fear of making a mistake came from? And then I gently challenged all the thoughts I had around my fear.

One of the core things that a good coach or therapist does with a client is to help them gain insight about the relationship between the thoughts they have, their feelings, and their behaviors. The goal is to help people understand how all of these are related and how changing one impacts the others.

One of the best ways to change how we feel about something is to change how we think about it. But sometimes, the way we think about things isn't accurate. We might do something called distorted or catastrophic thinking. Our thoughts are typically based on our perceptions or assumptions and not really on fact.

Learning to gently challenge your thoughts is a wonderful way to coach yourself into changing your thoughts and ultimately improving how you feel and changing behaviors into better choices. You've probably heard people talk about positive self-talk. Positive self-talk isn't just saying oh wow, you're so amazing. But it's also learning to talk to yourself like you would your very best friend, and that includes challenging irrational or inaccurate thoughts.

So as I sat down to think through the situation with my office lease, I realized I needed to give myself permission to make a mistake. I literally pulled out a piece of paper and I wrote down on it “I give myself permission to make a mistake signing this office lease.” I folded it up and put it in my wallet. And then I called my business partner and said I was ready to sign the lease.

You can go through this process. Do some deep thinking and then write down on a piece of paper what you give yourself permission to do. Or you can do it mentally.

Over the holiday season, I've done this process mentally and I've given myself permission to not have everything be perfect for my guests. I let go of worrying about all of the food, the decor in my house, whether or not I had chosen the perfect Christmas gifts, etc. You get the point. It was so freeing to do this. In fact, I think I've enjoyed this holiday season more than any other just because of this, just because I gave myself permission to let go of the perfectionism around the holidays.

So let's circle back to what you need to give yourself permission for. Whether it's ending a toxic friendship, standing up for yourself, or skipping a social event, you can use this concept to work your way through whatever difficult choice you need to make.

So right now, while it's fresh on your mind., Pull out a piece of paper and think about what you really need to give yourself permission for. And then do it.

Resources:

Click here To provide Feedback for the Podcast

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Love Filled Life Resource Page

Daring Greatly Book

Rising Strong Book

Atlas of the Heart Book

18: 3 Easy Ways to Make Sex More Fun

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 03:00:00 -0600

Today, we share 3 easy ways to make your sex life more fun, and who wouldn't want to make sex more enjoyable?

***Want to know more about sex toys and how to use them to enhance your fun and sexual pleasure? Check out my new course: Toy Talk at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/toytalk***

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways***

If you'd like to learn more about specific techniques to get turned on, I encourage you to visit a research-focused organization called OMGYES which focuses on presenting helpful information to enhance female sexual pleasure.

17: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's Relationship: Will it Last? Why I Think They'll Remain a Couple

Tue, 05 Dec 2023 03:00:00 -0600

On today's episode, Cooper and I talk about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's relationship and whether or not we think they will stay together. We think Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have what it takes to remain a couple in a long-term, committed relationship. Plus, we are basing our opinion on the attributes of healthy couples that they both demonstrate.

You won't want to miss this!

🔥 Toy Talk - Sex Toy Course will be available on 12/11 at www.lovefilledlife.com/ToyTalk

16: Real Life Love and Sex in a Long Term Relationship

Tue, 28 Nov 2023 03:00:00 -0600

Sometimes, the once vibrant and exciting connection in a long-term relationship fades or dwindles due to a multitude of reasons. Couples find themselves confined to the boundaries of routine and predictability as they deal with the challenge of maintaining love and a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship.

In today's episode, I delve into a topic that intrigues many of my clients – the secrets to maintaining love in a long-term relationship. To shed light on this, I have a special guest, my neighbor Linda, who candidly shares insights into her own relationship journey and sexuality.

Marriage, goals, and preparation for the future.

Linda is in her second marriage of 26 years with her husband Dennis which is why I consider her as a valuable guest for this episode. The couple exemplifies living life to the fullest, not only in adhering to family values but also in their evident love during vacations and daily interactions as they navigate a blended family.

They decided to get married four months after they met. Linda recalls their early journey as a fun pursuit as they discussed their dreams, goals and even marriage with no option for divorce. She said that although her husband is not perfect, he definitely comes close, as he always strives to make her happy and make her feel loved. And despite occasional fights, they are determined to continue having a happy marriage which is why they always make up and start fresh with a new sense of determination every time. After all, life has its ups and downs.

Setting goals in relationships is crucial. For Linda and her husband, they meticulously plan their financial contributions, such as but not limited to donations and gifts for their special needs son. Equally important is that they establish relationship goals that involve preparing for the future. This deliberate and thoughtful approach to setting goals not only enhances the quality of our relationship but also provides a roadmap for shared aspirations and individual growth.

Building a strong and healthy relationship through communication and mutual respect.

Linda and Dennis have intentionally cultivated a strong and enduring love through several key practices. They prioritize playfulness and silliness in their relationship, going out of their way to make each other feel important every day. Their expressions of love extend beyond mere practicalities and encompass appreciation for each other's presence and special efforts.

Gratitude plays a significant role in their relationship, with the couple expressing thanks for even the smallest gestures, fostering an environment where annoyance finds little room to thrive. Little things greatly matter. Although they seem to be minor acts of love, they accumulate to create a meaningful and fulfilling life.

Linda also emphasizes the importance of playfulness in maintaining a healthy sexual connection. Their approach to sex involves spontaneity, playful discussions, and an overall lighthearted attitude because for them, a healthy sexual relationship should incorporate elements of fun and enjoyment.

Sexual desire and intimacy in older age and maintaining love and a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship.

The sad truth is that there are still assumptions that society makes about sexual activity in older couples. There is also an unfortunate stigma surrounding women’s sexual desires brought about by various historical and cultural factors. At present, many women are still ashamed to talk about sex. That is why it is important that we encourage open communication to help others understand and express their desires better.

Many partners in relationships often lack the necessary knowledge and education about each other’s bodies. This knowledge gap can lead to unsatisfying sexual experiences and issues within the relationship. Linda shares her insights from personal experiences with her husband, highlighting the importance of mutual participation and how it creates a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection in a relationship. We must challenge the stereotype of men rushing into sex, missing out on the subtleties that make sex enjoyable for both partners.

It is also important to find the right time for connection, intimacy and sex, especially as life gets busier. Always remember the significance of spending quality time together beyond mere routines. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and make sure to find creative ways to continue igniting the fire in your relationship. You may incorporate elements of playfulness, role-playing, and even use sex toys.

Linda encourages couples to communicate openly, express the importance of their connection, and actively work towards maintaining a strong foundation of love. This foundation, according to her, is essential for a fulfilling sexual relationship and serves as a guide in understanding the dynamics of love and connection.

Find creative ways to keep the spark alive by spicing up your sex life: https://www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways

15: 5 Tips to Reduce Stress During the Holidays

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 03:00:00 -0600

It's the holidays! On top of everything else on your to-do list, there's shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating the house, spending money, and being extra nice to Aunt Ethel at your family get-together. You guessed it, it’s holiday time! It’s the start of the holiday season and for many people, that means family gatherings, lots of demands, social comparison, and high stress.

Today, I want to share 5 tips to help you enjoy your holiday season and minimize the amount of stress you feel.

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that for many people, the holidays can exacerbate their loneliness and grief for loved ones they’ve lost. Although the holidays are filled with joy, they can also be super stressful. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others and trying to be perfect. That right there is a recipe for anxiety. I want to share 5 strategies that can help you minimize stress and enjoy this wonderful time of the year.

1. Don't Do Social Comparison

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing our holiday experiences to those we see on social media. We are bombarded with images of the perfect houses, the perfect decorations, the perfect turkeys, and the perfect families sitting around the table. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when you open social media, you often see posts from someone you know who is jetting off to a beach vacation. It’s easy to be jealous.

Remember Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote: Comparison is the thief of joy.

Instead of focusing on what others are doing, reflect on what brings you and your loved ones joy. Embrace the beauty of your traditions and create memories that resonate with your values.

2. Set Boundaries and Limits

The holidays often come with invitations, events, and commitments that can be overwhelming. It's okay to set boundaries and limits. Setting boundaries teaches people how to treat you and helps you to take care of yourself. Whenever anyone asks me to do something or commit to something that will require extra work, I take a pause and say, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” That way, I’m not on the spot feeling pressure to overcommit and I can truly think through everything.

Prioritize the events that truly matter to you and your loved ones. Learn to gracefully decline invitations and understand that saying 'no' is a form of self-care, allowing you to fully enjoy the moments you choose to participate in.

3. Delegate

You don't have to carry the holiday load alone. You can delegate tasks and responsibilities to family members or friends. Whether it's meal preparation, decorating, or planning activities, involving others not only lightens your load but also creates a sense of shared joy and connection.

I struggle with this, partly because I have more time than my adult children and as a mom, I want to take care of them. But if you do everything yourself, not only do you run yourself ragged, but you also rob them of the joy of doing something to contribute.

4. Take Time for Yourself

Amidst the hustle and bustle, don't forget to prioritize self-care. Schedule moments of solitude to recharge. Whether it's a quiet cup of tea, a walk outside, calling a friend, going to the gym, or simply taking a few deep breaths, giving yourself the gift of time and space can do wonders for your mental well-being. Sometimes, when it’s been a tough day, I take a long shower or a bath and I crawl in bed early with a book. I’ve learned what helps me to relax and recharge, and instead of doing one more thing on my to-do list, I know if I take the time to do some self-care, I’ll feel a lot better.

5. Move Your Body

Physical activity is a powerful stress reliever. Incorporate movement into your holiday routine, whether it's a brisk walk, a dance session in the living room, or a quick workout. Exercise releases endorphins, helping to elevate your mood and energy levels during this busy season. For me, I need to go to the gym and swim. I listen to music while I swim laps and it’s my favorite way to start the day. When my kids were little, and my time to work out was non-existent, I would blast a song on the radio in the kitchen and they would dance with me. It was super silly and we had so much fun. It felt so good.

Some people don’t like to work out or for health reasons, can’t do anything really physical. I herniated a disc last year and had surgery and couldn’t work out at all. I found just doing light stretching and walking the dog helped me feel so much better.

And there you have it, those are five simple ways to manage, and even prevent stress during the holidays. Remember, it's not about achieving perfection but finding balance and joy in the moments that matter most to you. I hope you can focus on at least one of these ways to make your holiday season better.

If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might need these strategies too. Until next time, take care of yourself and those around you. Happy holidays!

14: Being a Highly Sensitive Person Can Make Sex More Difficult

Tue, 14 Nov 2023 03:00:00 -0600

High sensitivity shapes the emotional experiences, perceptions, and interactions of approximately 20% of the population, spanning across diverse cultures globally.

From intimacy to communication, the deeply felt emotions and heightened responses to sensory inputs influence how highly sensitive individuals engage with their partners. This trait often leads to a preference for deep, meaningful connections, while also making them susceptible to feeling overwhelmed.

This episode is truly insightful as I am joined by Elizabeth "Biz" Cush – a women's life coach, licensed counselor, and the brilliant mind behind the Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast. Her holistic approach integrates body, mind, and spirit, fostering a beautiful, enjoyable life for her clients. And in this episode, we delve into the impact of high sensitivity on relationships and sex life.

Highly sensitive people and their unique traits.

Highly sensitive people (HSP's) refer to a genetically predisposed trait, with about 20% of the global population being classified as highly sensitive people.

Highly sensitive people process sensory input—whether noise, smell, taste, touch, or emotions—differently. This distinct sensory processing results in a deeply emotional experience, a preference for profound connections, and a deeper and more deliberate processing of information before forming opinions or feelings about it.

Interestingly, being highly sensitive doesn't strictly align with introversion; one can be an extrovert and still be highly sensitive, needing both social interaction and recharge time.

With respect to relationships, being in a relationship where one partner is highly sensitive and the other isn't can sometimes lead to conflict, especially in scenarios where the highly sensitive individual feels overwhelmed or anxious in crowded or noisy settings that the non-sensitive person enjoys.

Are you a highly sensitive person?

To identify if someone is an HSP, tests and quizzes are available, such as the one on Dr. Elaine Aron's website. Dr. Aron has conducted extensive research on this. Take the self-test here: https://hsperson.com/test/

Being an HSP impacts sexual relationships.

Navigating sexual relationships as a highly sensitive person, particularly for highly sensitive women, poses unique challenges. The HSP personality trait, an aspect of the nervous system, renders individuals acutely aware of various sensory inputs, often impacting their experiences in intimate relationships.

For highly sensitive women, the intricacies of their sensory processing sensitivity can deeply influence their sexual relations. Although HSPs can enjoy sex, this acute awareness can lead to a heightened vulnerability to negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed, particularly in scenarios where their partner's desires may conflict with their own comfort levels.

Non-HSPs need to understand the unique needs of their HSP partners.

Balancing the needs and desires of the self and the romantic partner is a delicate yet crucial aspect of enjoyable sex for those with a highly sensitive nature.

Highly sensitive individuals can sometimes feel overwhelmed. They experience heightened sensitivity to smells, making cleanliness particularly important for their partners. According to Biz, even the texture of fabrics could affect physical closeness.

Communication regarding what types of touch feel good and what feels overwhelming for HPSs is important, as touch can be both beautiful and intense. For highly sensitive individuals, touch can be both wonderful and potentially jarring or even painful if unexpected.

HSPs tend to value gentle touch, connection, and their partner being emotionally responsive as building blocks for a deep emotional bond in their relationship.

In intimate relationships, the need for deep connection and profound conversations can lead to disconnection if not reciprocated or understood by the partner. HSPs need their significant others to understand what being an HSP means, and that sometimes their HSP partners will need alone time and quiet to enhance their well-being and mental health.

Non-HSPs also need to learn how subtle shifts in their behavior can help their HSP partner feel safe and emotionally connected. Moreover, many HSPs require more time to feel aroused and be easily distracted by sensory input, which can significantly impact their ability to stay present in the moment and enjoy sexual experiences.

The heightened need for intimate connection is particularly notable for highly sensitive individuals, potentially necessitating a deep emotional connection with their partner before engaging in sexual intimacy.

Highly sensitive people and ADHD.

Biz and I explored potential connections between high sensitivity and conditions like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Sensory Processing Disorder given the overlaps in symptoms amongst all three conditions and the many intriguing parallels within neurodiversity.

HSPs can easily become distracted during sex. Sensory inputs, like sound, noise, or smell, can be overwhelming and can disrupt the moment, causing an HSP to struggle to return to the present during sex.

Distraction during sex, especially for women, can derail them from staying aroused. Losing feelings of pleasure and arousal can cause them to need additional time and gentle stimulation to reach orgasm. For many HSPs, mindfulness techniques can help them to stay present or regain focus when distracted.

HSPs may have a hard time saying "no" to sex.

Because HSPs are acutely sensitive to the emotional cues and needs of their partners, they often find it challenging to turn down sexual intimacy, even when they aren't in the mood for sex. Their desire to accommodate their partner's sexual desires so they don't feel rejected, even at the expense of their own comfort, stems from their deeply empathetic nature.

HSPs are acutely attuned to their partners

Additionally, any potential emotional detachment from their partner during intimate moments can profoundly affect the highly sensitive individual, creating a sense of disconnection or concern that further complicates their ability to fully engage in the shared experience. This heightened emotional attunement makes it more difficult for them to disconnect from their partner's emotional state, impacting their own arousal and sense of intimacy within the interaction.

While the highly sensitive trait often amplifies their experiences, including the emotional and sensory dimensions of physical intimacy, it's important to establish a conducive environment for enjoyable and fulfilling sexual relations.

Open communication is essential, even about the challenging aspects of sex. Communicating one's own needs, creating a space that acknowledges and respects the sensory intricacies, and fostering an understanding of the unique dynamics surrounding sensory processing sensitivity are vital components of fostering a healthy and gratifying sexual relationship for highly sensitive individuals.

Resources:

**Elizabeth Cush Coaching- https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/**

**Quiz to discern if you are a highly sensitive person- https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/**

(direct link to quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/642afffa627e94001491e91c)

**Biz’s Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/awaken-your-wise-woman-podcast**

Characteristics of a highly sensitive person:

**https://hsperson.com/**

13: Sex is More Than Intercourse

Tue, 07 Nov 2023 03:00:00 -0600

Great sex encompasses a wide spectrum of elements or factors that go beyond the physical act of intercourse itself. It is a holistic experience that incorporates emotional intimacy, effective communication, variety, mutual satisfaction, foreplay, and more. And while our modern world has evolved significantly in terms of openness and acceptance, the topic of sex remains elusive, shrouded in cultural, religious, and historical taboos.

This enduring societal discomfort surrounding sex has profound implications for individuals, relationships, and society as a whole. And so, we dive deep into how sex is not simply just about intercourse and why we should acknowledge the fact that intercourse isn’t the end all and be all for sex.

Sex education and societal taboos.

The traditional concept of sex, which primarily focuses on intercourse for reproduction, has been deeply rooted in our culture and educational system. The majority of us were introduced to the subject of sex through an educational approach that highlighted its biological purpose, frequently utilizing vivid and explicit imagery that left us feeling uncomfortable.

For so long, sexual discussions were not common and somehow, they are still considered taboo by many. The omission of discussions about sex as an expression of love between two people or as a source of sexual pleasure was likely driven by fear or concern that teaching pleasurable aspects of sex would lead to increased teenage sexual activity. However, this omission has consequences.

By not addressing the positive aspects of sex, like connection and pleasure, we continue to perpetuate the taboo and shame associated with the topic. The consequences of this lack of comprehensive sexual education extend beyond individuals and can impact relationships as well. The absence of open conversations about the emotional and pleasurable aspects of sex can hinder communication and lead to misunderstandings between partners.

How people learn about sex through the media.

As human beings, it is our innate tendency to seek out knowledge and understanding when faced with something new. This natural inclination usually leads us to turn to various mediums, such as books, articles, or visual media, to gain insights and information. In the case of learning about sex, our observations often come from sources like Hollywood movies and pornography, which have played an influential role in shaping our understanding of human sexuality.

However, Hollywood portrays sex in a way that frequently emphasizes women experiencing mind-blowing orgasms from intercourse, as we've all seen how they’re portrayed in movies and TV shows that rarely reflect reality. On the other hand, there's pornography, which has its place as entertainment but should not be considered a source of education. This is because porn often features exaggerated and sometimes painful-looking sexual encounters, with women seemingly enjoying every moment, even when it appears far from pleasurable.

It's concerning that the average age for first exposure to pornography in the US is just 12 years old, and many kids even younger than that are exposed to it. In fact, a study on adolescent pornography use found that nearly 69% of teens had viewed pornography, and this exposure can lead to the development of what experts call "pornography-influenced sexual scripts." These scripts can misguide people about how sex should be, as pornography does not represent the average person's sexual experiences. Thus, the way we learn about sex, whether from Hollywood or pornography, often falls short of providing an accurate and healthy perspective on the subject.

Female orgasm and sexual pleasure.

I used to throw around the statistic that around 30% of women can orgasm from penetrative intercourse, but my perspective has shifted, as a closer examination of research indicates that this number is likely closer to 15% or even 18%. Moreover, only about 8% of women can consistently achieve orgasm from thrusting alone.

The portrayal of intercourse as the primary source of intense orgasms for women in media misrepresents the reality for most women. This misrepresentation sets women up to fake orgasms and can make them feel like something's wrong with them if they can't climax from intercourse.

It's really a shame that we're not taught that the key to female orgasm lies in the clitoris which is unique in that its sole purpose is pleasure, and it's a powerful reminder that sexual pleasure is a natural and essential aspect of human experience. If your partner is a woman, it's crucial to understand that her path to pleasure primarily involves the clitoris, not just intercourse. This doesn't diminish the value of intercourse; it's about striving for equality and mutual pleasure in a relationship.

Redefining sex opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency and improved intimacy.

Sex isn't confined to intercourse; there are many other ways to explore and enjoy intimacy, such as oral sex, touching, or using sex toys. Our society often frames these activities as mere "foreplay" leading to intercourse, which can be limiting and potentially lead to problems if intercourse becomes the sole focus. Reframing these activities as "outer course," encompassing any sexual activity not involving penetration, can be liberating.

Redefining sex to encompass any activity that brings sexual pleasure, whether it's outer course or intercourse, opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency. The key is embracing the diverse ways in which we can experience and enjoy sexual pleasure.

This transforms sexual relationships, bringing about significant changes insofar as the female partner experiences increased pleasure and satisfaction, with higher odds of achieving orgasm. For the male partner, this change can make them feel more desired when their partner shows increased interest in sex. It also eliminates the sense of rejection if their partner isn't in the mood for intercourse.

Couples who redefine sex tend to engage in sexual activities more frequently, addressing one of the common issues couples face known as "desire discrepancy," where one person desires more frequent or different types of sexual activity. Furthermore, broadening the definition of sex encourages couples to explore a wider range of sexual activities, adding variety and excitement to their intimate life. Redefining sex doesn't exclude intercourse; it simply emphasizes that many other delightful and fulfilling activities can take center stage in their sexual experiences.

12: When Men with ED Avoid Physical and Sexual Intimacy

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 03:00:00 -0600

The prevalence of erectile dysfunction (ED) tends to increase with age, underscoring its status as a common issue faced by many individuals and couples. And by the year 2025, it is projected that a staggering 325 million people worldwide will be struggling with erectile dysfunction. The problem, however, is that this is still a matter many people tend to avoid discussing openly despite ED being a prevalent issue and thus, it is often unaddressed.

As a certified sex therapist, I frequently receive inquiries from people regarding ED. And so, for this episode, let us shed light on the impact of ED and the need for open communication about it to help individuals and couples manage the condition within their relationships.

Erectile dysfunction and its impact on mental health.

In many cases, partners tend to overlook or pretend not to notice when their male partners experience erectile dysfunction (ED), creating an uncomfortable unspoken issue, often referred to as the "elephant in the room." As we know, men's sexual arousal is externally visible compared to women, making it challenging to hide when an erection does not occur. This visibility can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, as societal expectations link masculinity to sexual performance, particularly in terms of having strong erections and providing satisfying intercourse for their partner.

However, the reality is that not all individuals, especially women, achieve orgasm solely through penetrative intercourse. Many myths surrounding masculinity make it difficult for men to accept that they can still be wonderful sexual partners even if they experience ED or difficulties with erections. These misconceptions or misunderstandings can lead to various coping mechanisms, such as pretending ED didn't happen or even blaming their partners, unfairly attributing the issue to a lack of proper stimulation or desire.

Unfortunately, partners often internalize these criticisms, feeling that they are somehow inadequate or unattractive, even when their partners don't explicitly blame them. The misconception that their desirability is the root cause of ED can take a significant toll on their self-esteem.

Erectile Dysfunction and its impact on relationships.

Intense shame is commonly felt by those struggling with ED, which goes beyond mere embarrassment. This stems from a deep-seated feeling of not being good enough or feeling like they have failed their partner. And such profound shame can be emotionally debilitating and lead individuals to avoid intimacy altogether.

Partners of those experiencing erectile dysfunction often struggle with emotional distress. This stems from the fact that individuals with ED frequently shy away from all types of sexual intimacy and even physical contact, primarily due to overwhelming shame. They fear the risk of not achieving an erection, which would result in feeling terrible about themselves.

In turn, however, their partners feel undesired, unloved, and even rejected because of their abstinence from any sexual engagements. This avoidance even extends to activities that do not involve penetrative intercourse, which can still offer both pleasure and emotional connection. The partners' anguish runs deep, as they long for the physical and emotional connection that has been missing due to their partners' avoidance.

Avoiding physical touch and sexual intimacy can exacerbate ED because it deprives individuals of positive sexual experiences that could mitigate anxiety, a key contributor to ED. This avoidance may make them overly anxious, causing recurrent ED episodes and preventing them from fully experiencing the pleasures of intimacy. Moreover, such avoidance has the potential to lead to detachment within a relationship, effectively reducing partners to the status of mere cohabitants, which can lead to bitterness and unhappiness within a relationship.

It is thus essential to address this issue openly and seek solutions together with a partner rather than seeking secretive medical solutions. Partners, too, need to understand the pain they are feeling is genuine and widespread, and that intimacy doesn't solely rely on an erect penis. Open communication and a willingness to explore different forms of intimacy are key to overcoming these challenges and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.

11: Real Life Love and Sex Tips from Author Laurel McHargue

Tue, 31 Oct 2023 03:00:00 -0600

Strengthening a relationship and maintaining a vibrant and fulfilling sex life are crucial aspects of a healthy and enduring partnership. Couples often face various challenges, whether they stem from the demands of everyday life, the passage of time, or personal growth. Despite these obstacles, it is entirely possible to keep the spark alive and deepen the bond with your partner.

Our remarkable guest, Laurel McHargue, shares valuable insights into how she and her husband have navigated these waters, making their relationship an inspiring example of how to nurture love and passion over the long term. This episode is in line with our aim to explore relationships and how they've evolved over time, particularly in terms of strengthening a relationship and keeping sex vibrant.

Learning #1: Strong relationships are built on engaging communication and friendship.

Laurel’s philosophy of life revolves around the idea that a life without challenges is ultimately boring. This belief has been the guiding force behind her life choices and even the journey that led her to meeting Mike – her husband.

Laurel and Mike were classmates at the United States Military Academy at West Point. However, they didn't spend any time together until they were both part of the leadership team for a cadet battalion during their senior year. (West Point refers to this as Firstie year) When they attended West Point, meals were mandatory and Laurel and Mike were seated at the battalion leadership table. The daily routine of dining together from breakfast until dinner gave them a great opportunity to get to know one another and to cultivate a friendship.

Because they were both dating someone else at the time, they saw one another as a friend, which allowed them to chat and be curious about one another's personalities, values, and principles. Talking openly and frequently with each other caused Laurel to respect Mike and to see him as a challenge and ultimately, brought them closer. That is why their relationship has a great foundation built on friendship and a deep understanding of one another.

Their story is a testament to the idea that choosing a life partner is not without risks, as you can never truly know everything about another person. It requires a leap of faith and a willingness to adapt and grow together. In fact, Laurel's career in the Army, marked by frequent moves and new environments, kept her engaged, active, and continually evolving. Nonetheless, she embraced change rather than shying away from it, making the most of each new opportunity and challenge that came her way. This adaptability was not only a key element in her personal growth but also in the success and longevity of her relationship with Mike.

Every long-lasting relationship has its ups and downs.

I truly admire Laurel's positivity and zest for life. Her vivacious and enthusiastic approach to life resonated with my own philosophy as a coach and therapist, where I aim to help people create the best lives for themselves, recognizing that we only get one chance at this journey.

Every long-lasting relationship has its ups and downs. In some cases, couples consider divorce. In Laurel’s case, she initially felt resentment due to an incident at a party but she quickly overcame it, demonstrating the strength of their relationship. She emphasized that being friends first, without the pressures of a sexual relationship, laid a strong foundation for their relationship. Additionally, she admired Mike because he was so disciplined, fit, educated, and self-motivated.

Learning #2: A healthy relationship is built on respect.

Maintaining a healthy relationship, particularly involving sexual intimacy, is an intricate dance that involves a delicate balance between individuality and respect. It's a journey where emotional and physical intimacy play pivotal roles, and where partners seek to nurture not only their connection but also their own well-being. Both partners must prioritize their physical and mental health to ensure they bring their best selves to the relationship. This commitment to personal wellness positively impacts relationship satisfaction, creating an environment where both individuals can thrive together.

What struck me about Laurel's marriage to Mike is that she respects him as a person and as her partner, and likewise, she feels the same respect from him. Laurel commented that she makes it a point to never bad-mouth Mike to anyone. Mutual respect, without a doubt, stands as one of the fundamental cornerstones upon which a healthy and enduring relationship is built. It entails a deep and unwavering appreciation for each other's worth, individuality, and contributions within the relationship. It involves recognizing and honoring the unique qualities, beliefs, and experiences that each partner brings to the table. Respect is a cornerstone of Laurel and Mike's love and a key element of their marriage's success.

Learning #3: It's important to cultivate individual interests.

In relationships, it's common for people to celebrate their similarities and shared interests initially. A sense of commonality can be exciting and lead to the belief that you're perfectly matched. However, it's a mistake that many couples make when they stop celebrating their differences and begin focusing solely on their similarities. Over time, their unique interests and passions may fall by the wayside, leading to a sense of sameness in the relationship.

Embracing individuality within a relationship is crucial. It allows partners to celebrate their uniqueness while coming together to create a strong bond. A respectful acknowledgment of each person's autonomy paves the way for the emotional and physical intimacy that lies at the heart of a fulfilling relationship. However, it must also be noted that both partners should continue pursuing their owne interests and passions, even as they grow together. Maintaining these unique aspects of oneself brings vitality and energy into the relationship. It's about not being afraid to have different interests and respecting each other's individuality. This kind of mutual respect and understanding contributes to a happy, thriving relationship that lasts for many years.

Learning #4: Gratitude and compromise strengthen relationships

One of the things I truly value about Laurel's relationship with Mike is that they both are grateful for one another and they show gratitude for little things. Laurel shared how Mike thanks her every time she cooks dinner, and she in turn, thanks him for earning money to buy the groceries. Laurel also expressed a deep and heartfelt gratitude for how Mike fully supports her interests and her dedication to being an author, despite it not being a very lucrative career. Gratitude is one of the things I love most about my husband. I've never met a more grateful person and I think his gratitude cultivates happiness for himself and for those around him.

Both Laurel and Mike take great care of their overall health and they do many activities together that build fun and excitement into their lives. Laurel admired how fit Mike was, but the couple realized that although an intense bike ride might be right for Mike, it wasn't for Laurel. However, through open dialogue, they compromised on what a satisfying bike ride together would be.

Learning #5: It's important to adapt and be intentional to maintain a healthy sex life within a long-lasting relationship.

It is not easy maintaining a relationship while having military careers but for Laurel and her husband, they were able to adapt to these challenges as a couple. Having children also introduced new dynamics into their intimate life, with scheduling and discretion becoming important factors considering that exhaustion and privacy concerns sometimes made intimacy more challenging.

As their children grew and eventually left home, they found more opportunities for physical connection and to express their sexuality. They remained intentional about their sex life, scheduling and prioritizing moments for intimacy. Laurel shared that they also developed unique ways to build anticipation and nonverbally initiate intimate moments, creating a playful and affectionate connection that continues to evolve. They have open communication and feel comfortable talking about their love life and their sex life.

Transitioning from non-sexual moments to sexual ones and vice-versa is a learned skill, and it's essential to align your mind with your body's readiness for sex. As we know, women's minds, in particular, often require more preparation. Planning sex can be beneficial at various stages of life, whether you have young children, teenagers, or are empty nesters with busy lives.

Maintaining a fulfilling sex life within a relationship has positive effects on physical and emotional well-being. It intensifies the joy, connection, and laughter that it brings to every relationship. Keeping things fresh and having a sense of fun and playfulness in the bedroom is essential. At the core of a satisfying sexual relationship is emotional and physical connection, where partners not only communicate openly about their sexual preferences but also seek to enhance pleasure for each other. This may involve the introduction of sensual music, sexy lingerie, or even a well-chosen sex toy into the bedroom (or the living room or the kitchen 🙂) to spice things up, as long as it's in your comfort zone. As we know, sex toys are a fabulous way to enhance the sexual experience, especially when a little extra time is needed to build up arousal. They can increase desire as part of foreplay or they can be the main event!

Learning #6: Respect boundaries and prioritize pleasure and connection.

By respecting one another's boundaries and desires, a couple can achieve balance and harmony in their partnership, ensuring that their bond remains both intimate and enduring. Of course, it is important to be able to say "no" to sex when you’re not in the mood without having your partner feel rejected. As a sex expert, I coach people to not just say no when they don't feel like sex, but to also offer an alternative plan. That might look like one partner saying, "You know, I'm not in the mood today but I'd love to have sex tomorrow."

As we evolve with our partners in long-term relationships, our sex life has its ups and downs. The goal isn't achieving the greatest orgasm as a way of maximizing sexual satisfaction but rather, prioritizing connection and sexual pleasure in sexual experiences. Working together as true partners has enabled Laurel and Mike to create a sense of sexual well-being that fosters a deeper connection and helps to maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Make sure to check out Laurel’s unique puzzle book titled “Peace by Piece” which she co-authored with her close friend Nadine Collier, a licensed therapist. The book offers valuable life lessons drawn from the experience of assembling a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle. She highlights how Nadine contributed to the book by providing reflections and thought-provoking questions for readers. Laurel also has another book entitled "Quack" which draws inspiration from her two-year adventure of raising ducks in Colorado. You can visit Laurel's website and view her books on Amazon.

Laurel’s Business and Social Media Links:

Laurel's Amazon author page

Laurel's Amazon books link

Website: https://leadvillelaurel.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LeadvilleLaurel/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurelmchargueauthor/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurel-mchargue-6085a730/

Books Mentioned:

"Quack"

“Peace by Piece”

Laurel’s Podcast Link:

Alligator Preserves Podcast

Laurel’s Bio:

Award-winning multi-genre author Laurel McHargue, a West Point grad, was raised near Boston and somehow found her way to the breathtaking elevation of Colorado's Rocky Mountains--where she lives and laughs and publishes and podcasts. She writes about life, real and imagined, and hosts the podcast 'Alligator Preserves.' She has been married to the love of her life for over 40 years and has two wonderful adult sons.

10: How to Have Better Sex in Midlife

Tue, 24 Oct 2023 03:00:00 -0600

Understanding how sex evolves with age is vital especially in proactively maintaining sexual health for a fulfilling sex life well into late adulthood. We experience not only physiological changes that naturally occur but also the evolving mental, emotional, and relational aspects that shape our sexual experiences.

The changes manifest diversely, encompassing shifts in hormones, alterations in muscle tone, adjustments in sensory perception, and variations in stamina. All these factors significantly impact our experience with and perception of intimacy. Having this understanding allows us to flexibly adjust and refine our approaches to intimacy, ensuring that our experiences are both enjoyable and satisfying.

In this episode, we address the common concern from many individuals considering sex therapy, particularly focusing on how sex changes throughout a person's life and what can be done to maintain a satisfying sex life during midlife and beyond.

How sex changes in midlife due to physical and health changes.

There are many changes surrounding sex during midlife particularly caused by physical and other health factors. As individuals progress into their 40s and beyond, physical changes become more apparent—skin may sag, body composition alters with shifts in fat distribution, and muscle tone may diminish.

A critical element of midlife changes is health-related challenges, which can significantly influence a person's sexual well-being. Chronic pain, stemming from various health conditions, can be relentless and detrimental to both physical and emotional aspects of intimacy. Conditions such as breast cancer, autoimmune diseases, and prostate issues can further complicate the ability to engage in sexual activities, creating a significant hurdle to overcome. These changes can significantly impact how individuals perceive and engage in sexual activities.

Moreover, midlife isn't strictly confined to a particular age range; it's an expansive period that can extend well into the 50s and even early 60s. The onset of midlife varies among individuals, particularly for women who may undergo perimenopausal symptoms a decade before reaching menopause. The complexity of these physical and hormonal shifts can have profound effects on sexual experiences and desires.

In line with this, midlife crisis is also an existential reckoning in this period. It is an introspective evaluation that involves scrutinizing the choices made thus far and contemplating what the next chapter of life should entail. It often prompts a reevaluation of relationships, careers, and personal fulfillment, including one's sexual experiences.

As people approach midlife, their desires and expectations concerning intimacy also evolve. The intensity and immediacy of arousal and desire experienced in youth are notably diminished. It takes more time, effort, and deliberate stimulation to achieve the same levels of arousal. Understanding and adapting to these changes become crucial to maintaining a fulfilling sex life during midlife and beyond.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is failing to adjust expectations to align with the changes that come with aging. It is understandable that there are still those who cling to the notion of recapturing the wild and passionate sexual encounters of their youth without acknowledging the need for adjustments in approach and mindset. However, recognizing and embracing these changes can be transformative in ensuring and cultivating a satisfying and enjoyable sexual life throughout the midlife phase and even beyond that.

Common mistakes in midlife sex and the importance of communication.

One significant mistake observed in individuals approaching midlife is the lack of communication with their partners regarding evolving preferences and dislikes in sexual intimacy. They often neglect discussing how their needs and desires have transformed since their younger years, resulting in engaging in undesired sexual encounters.

This tolerance for dissatisfying experiences leads to a decrease in sexual desire and, in some cases, a complete cessation of sexual activity. Over time, couples may transition into a roommate-like relationship or engage in infrequent, pressured sexual events. The solution lies in fostering open communication about one's sexual desires and evolving needs, particularly during the midlife phase, to ensure a more fulfilling sexual life.

Additionally, many individuals fail to address preexisting sexual issues in their relationships as they approach midlife. These unresolved problems tend to worsen with age, compounded by new challenges like menopausal dryness and pain, or erectile dysfunction. Avoiding the discussion and resolution of these issues can severely hinder the possibility of maintaining a satisfying sex life as one ages. Tackling sexual concerns openly and proactively is vital for a fulfilling and sustained sexual relationship throughout one's life.

Improving midlife sex with emotional maturity, communication, and self-care.

Sex during midlife can be exceptionally rewarding due to emotional maturity, improved communication skills, and shifts in perspective. Emotional growth enables individuals to express feelings, connect deeply with their partners, and enhance desire through a closer relationship. Moreover, those who prioritize pleasure and connection over mere sex and orgasm tend to maintain a healthy and satisfying sexual life as they age.

Communication skills play a pivotal role in fostering a better understanding of each other's desires and needs. Open dialogue about sexual preferences and boundaries nurtures an honest and fulfilling sexual relationship. As people age, sex evolves into a more profound and meaningful experience, emphasizing closeness and connection with a long-term partner.

To nurture and grow the sexual relationship during midlife, investing in the friendship aspect of the relationship is crucial. Engaging in activities together, cultivating shared interests, and spending quality time help maintain a strong bond. Additionally, prioritizing overall health, encompassing physical and mental well-being, is paramount for sustaining sexual health as part of a broader holistic approach.

In redefining sex, we have to give importance to pleasure and connection rather than fixating on sex. This paradigm shift allows for continued satisfaction and connection, even when physical challenges such as erectile dysfunction or pain arise. By exploring alternative pleasurable activities, individuals can ensure a fulfilling sexual experience well into their later years, challenging the misconception that sexual satisfaction declines with age.

Sex and relationships in midlife.

In my experience, I've come across vibrant individuals in their 80s who still have and enjoy their fulfilling sex lives, defying any misconceptions about age and intimacy. It's surprising to note that in certain assisted living centers, there's a prevalence of active sexual engagements among the elderly, even leading to the spread of STDs due to unprotected encounters. This highlights the significance of consistently prioritizing protection against STDs, regardless of age, as a crucial aspect of sexual health.

When it comes to advice for clients, I often emphasize the importance of valuing quality over quantity in sexual experiences, particularly as we reach midlife. Quality of sex, in this context, isn't defined by earth-shattering orgasms. Instead, it's about pursuing deeply satisfying and meaningful experiences that foster a profound connection and love for our partners while being pleasurable.

09: How Often Do People Have Sex?

Tue, 17 Oct 2023 03:00:00 -0600

People want to know about sex but they are a bit afraid to talk about it. Conversations around sex and its frequency tend to carry a societal taboo, but it's a topic people genuinely want to explore.

And one of the things people often ask me is how many times couples have sex. As individuals progress through different stages of life, their frequency of sex varies greatly for a wide variety of reasons.

In today's episode, we will explore what sexual frequency across the lifespan looks like and talk about the danger of comparing yourself to others.

Why do people want to know this?

People often wonder if others are experiencing similar levels of sexual desire and activity. They compare themselves to others and they want to know if they are good enough, if their sex is good enough. In a sense, they are seeking a sense of reassurance through social comparison, a tendency prevalent in today's age of social media. Social comparison is when you compare yourself to others as a way of evaluating your life.

Why how often you have sex matters.

Why does how often you have sex matter? Because sexual frequency is important to your overall well-being and to your relationship satisfaction.

One of the most frequent grievances in long-term relationships is dissatisfaction with the frequency of sexual activity. This affects both genders, contrary to common assumptions. Typically, males are the higher desire partner but sometimes, it is the female partner. Also, women with partners with erectile dysfunction (ED) who stop having sexual activity are also unhappy.

Understanding how sexual frequency changes throughout your lifespan is important so you don't have unrealistic expectations. Research shows that most people think everyone is having more sex than they actually are. That can leave you feeling like something is wrong with your sex life.

Sex frequency in relationships.

Many believe sexual frequency declines over the life course of a relationship, especially for married couples. In truth, it fluctuates for both men and women based on their life stage, physical health, sexual attitudes, life events, day-to-day responsibilities, stress levels, overall sex drive, and the availability of sexual partners.

Happy couples in long-term relationships focus on nurturing a strong emotional connection and friendship while also prioritizing intimacy and sex. This emphasis on friendship in romantic relationships often increases feelings of attraction and sexual desire.

However, we need to approach statistics such as how often people have sex cautiously. Openly sharing numbers can sometimes harm individuals insofar as they may be misused as weapons for partners to hurt each other, and may also lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-judgment, negatively impacting self-esteem and the relationship. It can be very harmful if you learn that other people are having more sex than you if it causes you to spiral into self-judgment and shame.

It's also important to recognize that it's rare to have a couple where they both want the same level of sexual frequency. Every relationship is unique and how much sex they have and the type of sex they have varies. What is enough for you might not be enough for other sexual partners. What's important is that you and your partner talk about your sex life in a way that is respectful and honors the sexual frequency and types of sexual activity that both of you need to have sexual satisfaction.

Many people have low sexual desire because they don't enjoy the type of sex they are having especially if the focus is on sexual intercourse versus sexual acts that area pleasurable for both parters. One of the best ways to learn about what turns women on, whether you are male or female is an online organization that presents helpful info backed by research. It’s called OMGYes.

Understanding that every relationship is unique and goes through varying seasons is vital. Comparing your relationship to others can be misleading and unhelpful, as each relationship has its dynamics, and more sex doesn't equate to better quality.

The impact of pornography

Additionally, many individuals lack knowledge on how to have fulfilling sexual experiences and mistakenly turn to pornography for education, when in fact, it's meant for entertainment. This may also cause them to compare their own sex life to what they see in pornography and believe they are lacking if they aren't engaging in the same types of sexual acts.

The lack of communication around sex leads people to form their own assumptions and conclusions, potentially fostering misunderstandings. This is exacerbated by the early exposure to porn for many young individuals, who might mistakenly perceive it as a source of education rather than entertainment. The absence of proper guidance and conversation about healthy sexual relationships can set people up for challenges in their future experiences.

Declining sexual frequency in America.

Americans are experiencing a decline in sexual frequency, primarily due to two major factors. One factor is the rising number of individuals who lack a steady sexual partner, and the other is a decrease in the overall frequency of sexual encounters or sexual intercourse with their partners. This decrease is influenced by both the decrease in the number of steady partners and a decrease in sexual activity with those partners.

Recent data shows that compared to previous years, Americans are engaging in sex less frequently. Interestingly, young adults, particularly those in their twenties, are notably experiencing what has been coined a "sex recession" where they are having less sex than their counterparts in previous generations. The research also highlights a significant increase in abstinence rates among young adults compared to Generation X at the same age.

Contrary to the prevalent notion of increased casual sexual encounters facilitated by dating apps, there has been a surprising 14% drop in casual sex among young adults between 2007 and 2017, a trend that defies the expectations considering the evolving openness towards sexuality in society. The dynamics of sexual behavior are evolving, presenting an intriguing shift in societal norms and behaviors.

In the past two decades, Americans have experienced a decline in sexual activity frequency. Between 2010 and 2014, individuals engaged in sexual activity 54 times a year, compared to 60 times a year between 1989 and 1994. The decline in sexual frequency is linked to an 8% decrease in marriages during the same timeframe, highlighting the impact of a lack of a steady partner on overall sexual engagement.

On the other hand, a study in 2019 involving 35,000 British individuals revealed that about half of those in committed relationships engaged in sexual activity less than once a week. Notably, even though the sexual frequency of younger generations has dropped, they remain the age group with the highest levels of sexual activity.

Sexual frequency in different age ranges.

Research studies show that sexual frequency varies across different age groups. For individuals aged 18 to 29, the average is about twice a week or 112 times a year. In the 30s, it decreases to 89 times a year, approximately 1.65 times per week.

Moving into the 40s, it's 69 times a year, about 1.3 times per week. In the 50s and 60s, it declines to about 24 times a year or twice a month, and over 70, it averages about 11 times a year. These are averages, and individual experiences vary, but there's a noticeable downward trend in sexual frequency with age.

As couples transition to the empty nest phase, a newfound sense of freedom and flexibility emerges, allowing them to redirect attention to each other and personal interests. However, this period can unveil potential disconnection, particularly if the couple didn't intentionally foster their relationship and cultivate love and friendship.

Conversely, those who invested in maintaining their bond tend to enhance their intimacy and sexual activity during this stage. Aging also introduces health challenges, prompting couples to redefine their approach to intimacy, shifting from a more physical focus to adapting to evolving circumstances.

Sexual frequency by age.

Based on survey data on the sexual frequency of American adults, the following are some general numbers about sex frequency.

18-29: about 2X per week (112 times per year)
30’s: 86 times per year - a little over 1.5X per week
40’s: 69 times per year. (1.3 X per week)
50’s and 60’s: about 24 times per year or 2x per month
Over 70: about 11 times per year

Aging and sexual frequency in therapy.

Navigating sexual health as we age is vital for a healthy sexual relationship. Sex therapy and guidance from a sex therapist can assist in understanding sexual desires, attitudes, and acts. Addressing how much sex, scheduling sex, and maintaining sexual intimacy with changing dynamics is crucial.

Married couples, like anyone, aim for a satisfying sexual relationship by discussing sex openly. Exploring oral sex and other forms of sexual encounters becomes a part of this journey. Understanding sexual attraction and the role of sexual partners can aid in fostering a fulfilling sexually active life. In this context, sexual medicine offers solutions for issues such as pain, dryness and erectile dysfunction, thus promoting overall sexual well-being.

The frequency of intimacy in a relationship isn't a one-size-fits-all measure—it's about prioritizing quality over quantity. Intimacy extends beyond just the frequency of intercourse; it involves various forms of bonding, like cooking together or engaging in each other's interests.

Emotional intimacy plays a crucial role, where sharing activities and validating each other's passions deepen the connection. For women, feeling close emotionally often paves the way to wanting sexual intimacy, while for men, sexual intimacy can enhance feelings of love. Ultimately, sharing activities fosters a stronger relationship and friendship, nurturing a deeper connection between partners.

Sexual frequency and quality in relationships.

As couples age, successful relationships prioritize pleasure and connection over the frequency or intensity of sexual experiences. Shifting the focus towards creating enjoyable and meaningful moments rather than solely emphasizing physical aspects of sex is key.

Starting this approach early in life yields significant benefits for one's sexual well-being. Age-related changes, like menopause and reduced testosterone levels, can impact sexual experiences, but satisfaction with a less active sex life is entirely possible. Research highlights that around 46% of older individuals are content with their current sexual experiences. Couples who adapt by redefining their view of sex, moving away from a rigid sexual intercourse-centric approach to embracing pleasure and emotional connection, often sustain satisfaction and happiness in their sexual intimacy over time.

Sexual frequency does not necessarily equate to sexual satisfaction in relationships. Quality of the sexual experience, how it's perceived, and the emotional connection with a partner matter more than the frequency. The focus should be on how both individuals feel during the intimate moments, their engagement, and mutual satisfaction.

Maintaining a phenomenal sex life is possible even if your sexual frequency doesn't align with averages or declines as one gets older. It's essential to not let comparisons or societal expectations harm one's self-esteem or relationship. That is why it is best to understand what type of sexual encounter brings satisfaction and motivates further intimacy.

Important last thoughts

Sexual frequency is not an indicator of sexual satisfaction. It’s more about the quality of the sex you have, and that’s not just what you do, but how you do it and whether or not both of you are into it while you are having sex versus going through the motions. Don’t spiral into sadness or use this information as a weapon against your partner.

If you feel like you're having sex less, ask yourself if the type of sex you’re having is worth wanting, and if not, what would sex that’s worth wanting look like for you. And if you and your partner continue to have a big desire gap in the sexual frequency or type of sexual behavior you enjoy, it might be time to consider sex therapy to help you navigate any sexual issues.

How to find a Certified Sex Therapist.

Your sexual needs and desires matter. AASECT.org is the board that certifies sex therapists in the United States. Their website has a list of certified sex therapists so you can find one in your area.

Becoming a certified sex therapist involves undergoing periodic training that exposes individuals to a wide array of sexual expressions. This training encompasses diverse scenarios, including individuals with physical disabilities engaging in sexual activity, encounters with sex workers, and viewing videos featuring aging individuals or those with different fetishes.

The objective is to normalize these experiences and reactions, equipping therapists to handle such situations comfortably when working with clients who present these concerns. This approach challenges societal perceptions, particularly regarding older adults engaging in sexual activity, and fosters a more comprehensive understanding of sexual experiences throughout a person's lifespan.

It's never just sex. Our sexual health is much more encompassing.

Learn how to ignite the passion in your relationship by checking out my free resource: 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life.

08: Exploring Menopause: Navigating Medical Implications and Body Changes with Sharon Depcinski, LMSW, CST (Part 2)

Tue, 10 Oct 2023 03:00:00 -0600

In this episode, we bring you Part 2 of my conversation with Sharon Depcinski, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist for over 25 years. In this conversation, we focus on some of the medical implications and body changes that women go through during menopause. We’ll also give you some additional resources that will be helpful to any woman going through menopause.

Vaginal estrogen for menopause symptoms and affordability

Menopause can throw a curveball at your vulvar health, but there's a superhero remedy that's gaining attention. Think of vaginal estrogen as the sunscreen for your intimate areas – essential from age 45 and beyond. Whether you choose a cream, a tablet, or a ring, it's like giving a refreshing drink to parched skin, keeping it healthy and resilient.

Menopause transforms the vulvar landscape, leading to delicateness and certain areas shrinking. But here's the silver lining: vaginal estrogen comes to the rescue! What makes it even more appealing is that it acts locally, making it often safer than widespread hormonal treatments.

On the brighter side, the benefits of vaginal estrogen often overshadow any drawbacks. When it comes to the wallet, most women find it reasonably priced, putting this wonder remedy within reach. Yet, it's worth noting that while many pharmaceuticals can be pricier than a fancy dinner, this essential treatment remains attainable for a vast majority.

References you can check out for menopause, body image, and acceptance

Navigating menopausal symptoms can be tough, especially when faced with doctors who might dismiss them. It's crucial to find a physician or provider who genuinely listens. A valuable resource is the North American Menopause Society (NAMS). By visiting menopause.org, you can locate a certified menopause practitioner who has undergone extensive training in this field, ensuring they are well-equipped to assist.

Dive into the enlightening world of Dr. Jen Gunter, the trailblazing OB-GYN and author behind hits like "The Menopause Manifesto" and "The Vagina Bible". If you're hungry for more of her wisdom, her blog, Vagenda, is a treasure trove of insights. Get your fix here: [https://drjengunter.com/](https://drjengunter.com/).

For a more inclusive take on menopause, "What Fresh Hell Is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities" stands out. Especially for non-binary or transgender folks, it’s like a warm, comforting blanket wrapped in pages of understanding.

Juggling menopause and your 9-to-5? "Let's Talk Menopause at Work" is your go-to online guide. Besides breaking down menopause and its nuances, it features a nifty symptom checklist. Next time you see your doc, have it in hand for a game-changing chat.

Now, let's address the elephant in the room: the dreaded weight gain, especially around the belly and thighs. But hey, society's beauty standards? Overrated! We are so much more than our physical selves. As you ride the waves of aging, embrace every part of you. Need a little nudge? Watch "Good Luck to You, Leo Grande". It's a cinematic gem that celebrates body love and the journey to self-acceptance.

Aging, sexuality, and redefining expectations

Aging is not just a passage of time—it's a bold new chapter in our book of allure and sensuality. Sadly, society’s beauty playbooks often equate youthful glow with sex appeal, casting a shadow over the radiant charm of maturity. Take, for instance, the age-old myth that gray hair dims one's desirability. But guess what? Times are changing, and many are flipping the script on these dated views.

Wearing silver locks? That's not just hair—it's a crown signifying wisdom, cherished experiences, and the tales of time. By letting our tresses flow naturally, we’re not just embracing self-acceptance; we’re making a loud statement of authenticity.

Moreover, challenging beauty's traditional blueprints is nothing short of revolutionary. Our allure doesn't hinge on fleeting external standards. Celebrating the art of aging, we're painting a vivid picture of timeless sex appeal, radiance, and swagger. And in doing so, we inspire others to cherish their unique journeys, fostering a world that sings praises of diversity and acceptance.

But here's another myth-buster: menopause sex isn't just about intercourse. It's high time we explore the full spectrum of intimacy, going beyond mere physical acts. It's all about resetting our intimacy compass, peeling away preconceptions, and celebrating the profound joy of connecting in new, soulful ways during this transformative phase of life.

Links and Resources:

North American Menopause Society: www.menopause.org

Dr. Jen Gunter www.drjengunter.com; Dr. Gunter’s Blog is thevagenda.com

Dr Rachel Rubin Urologist and sexual medicine specialist: rachelrubinmd.com

Let’s Talk Menopause: https://www.letstalkmenopause.org/

Movie: Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

Books Mentioned:

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter

The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter

What Fresh Hell is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities and You by Heather Corrin

Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz PhD and A. Dana Ménard PhD

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

07: What No One Tells Us About Menopause with Sharon Depcinski, LMSW, CST (Part 1)

Tue, 03 Oct 2023 03:00:00 -0600

In the swirling tapestry of a woman's life, menopause emerges as a defining chapter, signaling the culmination of her fertile years, often in the late 40's or early 50's. But this phase is not just about the physical metamorphosis; it is an intimate dance with changing desires and sexual vitality, demanding both comprehension and metamorphosis.

This isn't just a time of bodily changes—it's an invitation to redefine sensuality and connection. By understanding and embracing these evolutions, we open a gateway to holistic health during this transformational odyssey.

Today's episode plunges into the depths of the challenges that countless women grapple with during menopause: from the discomforts of dryness and pain to the ebbs of sexual longing, especially in a world where clear guidance on menopause is often scarce. We're thrilled to share the wisdom of Sharon Depcinski, a licensed clinical social worker and seasoned sex therapist with a rich experience of over 25 years, as she lights the path with her invaluable insights.

Menopause symptoms, hormone fluctuations and hormone therapy

Navigating the maze of menopause becomes even trickier for women using certain birth control methods like IUDs or hormonal implants. These methods can hide the usual signs, such as missed menstrual periods. For these women, the silent pause in their menstrual cycle might not necessarily ring the menopause bell, blurring the lines of when they truly cross that one-year threshold without a period, which is the official marker of menopause.

But before menopause sweeps in, there's the prelude: perimenopause. It's like the overture to a symphony, setting the stage with erratic hormonal melodies, potentially lasting for a dramatic decade. These hormonal swings play out in a medley of symptoms: hot flashes, mood roller coasters, restless nights, and evolving passions. Here's the twist: these signs might start serenading some women in their 30s, making it essential to recognize their early tunes.

However, simply checking hormone levels isn't enough to decipher this symphony. While hormone tests offer a glimpse of a specific moment, they might not capture the full, fluctuating crescendo of perimenopause. Just imagine: estrogen might peak during this prelude, potentially giving a false sense of where one stands in the menopausal journey if relying solely on that single note.

Listening to the body's entire symphony of symptoms – the rhythm of periods, mood tempos, sleep patterns, and other classic perimenopausal cues – provides a richer and more accurate understanding of where one stands on this transitional stage, rather than relying on just a fleeting snapshot from hormone tests.

Menopause symptoms and their impact on quality of life

It is important that your doctor is listening to your concerns and is genuinely caring about symptoms during the menopausal transition because the sad reality is that there are clinics prioritizing profit over understanding women's experiences, particularly regarding hormonal testing.

Perimenopause, the transitional phase leading to menopause, presents a spectrum of symptoms that fall into distinct categories: physical, cognitive, mood-related, and genital-urinary. Each of these categories highlights the diverse ways in which the body responds to hormonal fluctuations during this life stage. In fact, 50% of women experience sleep disturbances during menopause. And as we know, sleep disruptions have a far-reaching impact on overall well-being. There are also cognitive changes, such as brain fog and word-finding difficulties, common during perimenopause.

In addressing these symptoms, it becomes evident that maintaining a healthy lifestyle and prioritizing bone health are crucial strategies to lessen the overall impact of these changes. By focusing on a balanced diet, regular exercise—particularly weight-bearing exercises—and proper bone health practices, individuals can positively influence their experience during perimenopause. Building a strong foundation of health not only aids in alleviating physical discomfort but also contributes to an improved overall well-being throughout this transformative phase of life.

Menopause symptoms and their impact on sexual health and sexual desire

Menopause is a symphony of changes, and while many of its notes are distinctive, not all challenges faced during this time directly tie to this life stage.

Tackling depression during menopause often feels like walking a tightrope. One popular safety net is SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) - a lifeline for many facing depression. Yet, there's a catch: these meds can unintentionally dampen sexual desire. Renowned for their depression-fighting prowess, SSRIs can also throw curveballs like reduced libido, challenges reaching climax, or even anorgasmia. For those already navigating the menopausal ebb in desire, it's like a double-edged sword. It's pivotal to walk hand in hand with medical experts, striking the right balance between mental resilience and preserving intimate vitality.

Here's a reality check: Almost a third of American women see their libido wane during menopause. And brace yourself - a staggering 50% to 84% of postmenopausal women face the trials of genital urinary syndrome of menopause.

If that wasn't enough, over 25% grapple with the pain of dyspareunia post-menopause. These are more than just stats; they're echoes of shared experiences, highlighting the pressing need for acknowledgment and understanding. The silver lining? These challenges, while common, can be addressed, paving the way for enhanced well-being and intimacy.

Yet, the heart sinks knowing fewer than a quarter of these women seek aid. The root lies deeper - a lack of comprehensive training in sexual health for many medical practitioners. It's high time we tune into these essential conversations, making them a part of mainstream medical discourse.

Links and Resources:

North American Menopause Society: www.menopause.org

Dr. Jen Gunter www.drjengunter.com; Dr. Gunter’s Blog is thevagenda.com

Dr Rachel Rubin Urologist and sexual medicine specialist: rachelrubinmd.com

Let’s Talk Menopause: https://www.letstalkmenopause.org/

Movie: Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

Books Mentioned:

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter

The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter

What Fresh Hell is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities and You by Heather Corrin

Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz PhD and A. Dana Ménard PhD

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

06: How Come I'm Not Interested in Sex

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

Navigating the waves of intimacy in a relationship is a common journey we all embark on. It’s entirely usual to ride the ebbs and flows of passion, going through phases where the connection feels less intense, and other times when it’s exceptionally vibrant. However, it’s crucial to perk up your ears and pay attention when you realize that these once-frequent passionate encounters are becoming rare, occurring maybe only once a month or even less.

Now, picture this: your own yearning for closeness feels like it’s running on empty, but your partner’s seems to be on overdrive. This mismatch can feel like a tough puzzle to solve. In this episode, we are on a mission to uncover the mysteries behind this dwindling passion, to explore the reasons why the spark may have faded, and most importantly, to offer you strategies to breathe life back into your sexual desire, reawakening the warmth and closeness in your love life.

Declining sexual desire in women

It’s no secret that, for many of us women, the flames of desire might not burn as brightly as we age. Around the age of 45, many of us begin to notice a change, a slight dimming of the passions that once felt so vibrant. The arrival of menopause can feel like a gust of wind, causing the flames to flicker, affecting our bodies and our desires significantly. Aging does play its part, but the good news is, there are active steps we can take to fan the flames during this new phase of life.

If you’re feeling this cool down in your desires, it’s important to reflect and pinpoint what might have changed since the time passion seemed to be your middle name. It’s time to ponder what shifts in your life might be putting a damper on your desires.

Addressing these issues can be a beacon of hope in rekindling your interest in intimacy. Relationship hiccups often are the unseen culprits behind dwindling desires. It’s essential to scrutinize the dynamics of your relationship and assess whether the attraction to your partner is still as robust as it once was.

Life, with its whirlwind of challenges, can lead us to drift apart from our partners. Sometimes, investing in the quality of your relationship through heartfelt conversations, seeking couples counseling, or dedicating time to each other can be the spark that reignites the attraction and, with it, revitalizes your intimacy desires.

Factors affecting sexual desire and pleasure

Another factor that may contribute to low interest in sex is the quality of sex, whether it is bad or painful. Painful sex is a valid reason to lose interest in it and addressing this issue is crucial. No one should endure painful sex. Consult with your doctor to understand the reasons behind it. Sometimes, simple solutions like using more lubrication can make a significant difference. If needed, a sex therapist can help overcome any anxiety or spasms related to sex.

Certain medications, especially antidepressants and some birth control pills, can diminish sexual desire and even hinder orgasm. If you've started a new medication and noticed a decline in your interest, discussing it with your doctor is essential.

Fatigue can also be a major desire killer. If you're exhausted from responsibilities or have a hectic schedule, finding the right time for intimacy is key. Consider morning or afternoon sex to enhance your interest and energy levels.

Hormone changes, such as those during menopause or due to birth control, can significantly affect your desire for sex. Menopause brings about physical changes that can make sex uncomfortable, but there are medical solutions to alleviate this discomfort. Additionally, pregnancy and breastfeeding come with hormonal shifts that impact libido.

Understanding these factors affecting your sexual desire is the first step toward revitalizing your sex life. Open communication and seeking appropriate medical guidance can help you find solutions and bring excitement back into your intimate experiences. If any of these resonate with you, it might be time to rethink your approach to sex and discuss your needs openly with your partner.

Common reasons for low sexual desire in women

Juggling life—being a mom, managing the house, and sorting out endless to-dos—can really take a toll on your mood for some 'us' time. It can feel like the flame has dimmed, and getting it back seems like just another task on the never-ending list. And let’s be real, when your mind is cluttered, feeling sexy is the last thing on your agenda.

Dealing with stress, feeling down, or past hurtful experiences can mess with your desire big time. And, if you're grappling with health issues like diabetes or other chronic conditions, it just adds another layer to it. Getting to know what's dampening your mood is the first step to light that spark again. It’s all about finding that ‘aha’ moment and working towards feeling good again. Take a minute and see what really clicks with you among the things discussed and consider how you can work on them.

Is this a ‘me’ thing or an ‘us’ thing? Some problems can be worked out with a heart-to-heart with your partner, while others might need a little help from a counselor or a sex therapist. Remember, figuring out what’s really going on is the first step to feeling that spark again.

Low sex drive and relationship counseling

If you're feeling a strain in your relationship because of low desire, and it's causing you distress, I've been there too. Don't just wait it out. If tackling it together with your partner seems challenging, seeking the help of a sex therapist can make a significant difference.

Having an open conversation with your partner about the issues can also be immensely helpful. If you're in a dry spell, remember, you have the power to reignite the spark and find more interest in sex if that’s what you want. Your love and sex life are your own, there's no right or wrong, and it's all about being true to yourself. Embrace who you are and the unique journey of love and intimacy you're on.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

05: What Impacts Sexual Desire

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

Have you ever wondered why your "Va Va Voom" feels more like "Va Va... Meh"?

You're not alone! I mean, it's no joke when your inner fire starts resembling a flickering birthday candle! Whether it's your crazy-busy life, your hormones having their own teen drama, or your relationship needing some extra spice, the struggle is so very real.

Yes, Mars and Venus are different planets with different turn-ons. No, not all men dream in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, and not all women need a 20-chapter romance novel. But understanding these key differences - that's what we’re focusing on today!

And who better to help me answer a listener question about sexual desire than my very own son, Cooper! That's right, today’s episode is a family affair, diving into why you should treat your libido like a treasured heirloom: worth maintaining and sharing with your spouse!

What is sexual desire?

Sexual desire may have many different meanings depending on who you ask, but for the sake of this episode, we’re defining it as how much you want to engage in sexual activity.

Just like Mars and Venus, men and women have different experiences when it comes to sexual desire. Men generally have spontaneous sexual desire, and research shows that they think about sex an average of 19 times each day.

For women, sexual desire can be less frequent and less spontaneous. Women experience desire most often as a response to some sort of stimulus. From a gendered perspective, women may not spend as much time actively thinking about sex as men do. Even as a sex therapist, I can attest that I personally don't constantly dwell on sexual thoughts. On a day-to-day basis, we don't often find ourselves preoccupied with thoughts of sex.

Women have a responsive desire and crave the sense of being wanted

Women aren’t just thinking about sex all day long - we’re wired more for “responsive desire”. You might not start your day brimming with passion, but once you engage in some form of sexual activity—even just fantasizing—your desire gears up like a smoldering fire finally catching a flame.

When it comes to long-term relationships, we often daydream that they're an endless buffet of desire. The reality check? Desire, especially for women, can be more like a limited-time offer. Emotional closeness doesn't always mean you're perpetually in the mood, contrary to what those fairytales told us.

Here's another curveball: Mystery is to desire what seasoning is to a good meal. The more familiar you get with your partner's habits, the more the element of surprise evaporates. And let's face it, commitment in a monogamous relationship doesn't automatically mean you're top of the "desire" charts. It's different from the thrill of dating, when your partner was actively choosing you, not just sticking around out of obligation.

This unique feeling of being the apple of someone's eye can fade as time marches on, giving way to less excitement and fewer spontaneous intimate moments. Many couples settle into a comfort zone, a repetitive pattern that could use some jazzing up. However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Open communication and new experiences can help you reignite that waning spark, keeping your love life far from mundane.

Couples with higher desire do things differently

Wonder how your relationship may differ from those couples with really high sexual desire? There are 3 distinct things these couples do that other couples probably aren’t doing on a consistent basis.

1) High desire couples are more likely to have consistent orgasms. That means that both partners are reaching the finish line more often, and it also means that both partners are focused on helping the other get there too! No one is being stingy with the big-O!

We have to keep in mind that it takes a lot more stimulation for a woman to have an orgasm. On average, 20 to 40 minutes is the range for women to have direct clitoral stimulation needed to have an orgasm. On the other hand, for guys, it takes 3 to 5 minutes on average. For the ladies, there are very few shortcuts. This is understandable considering that the clitoris has 3,000 nerve endings whereas the penis has 1,000.

2) Couples that have higher desire are more likely to have oral sex and more sexual variety to set the mood. They make use of sex toys, scented candles, romantic music, sexy lingerie, and more.

Many couples aren’t wanting to have sex because the sex they have is actually boring and very routine. There’s nothing spicing it up! Simple things like changing the time of day, the room you have sex in, doing role playing or trying a new position, is all it takes to get that desire off the charts and have a great sexual experience!

3)Couples with higher desire communicate about sex. This is incredibly important for couples to establish a more intimate connection between them. In order for each partner to have the best sex, you have to be able to communicate what you need from your partner. So, talking about sex - desires, fantasies, turn offs, and other needs - means you’ll be having not just more sex than the average couple, but better sex too!

Are you someone you’d want to be intimate with?

“Oh look, a squirrel!” I’m sure you’re familiar with this level of distraction that often robs you of sexual desire at the very moment your partner is revved up and raring to go!

Women especially tend to struggle with maintaining focus during intimate moments. Commonly, our minds wander to everyday concerns like the kids, laundry, dinner or other responsibilities. These distractions can derail the mood and enthusiasm for sex, making it feel like you’re trying to start a fire with wet wood.

Esther Perel, a renowned author and relationship therapist, offers valuable insights on nurturing desire. She reminds us that desire can be nurtured through self-care and a deeper appreciation of our partners, ultimately enriching our relationships.

Sexual desire starts with you. If you feel desirable and you allow yourself to tap into your sexual side, getting “in the mood” is a much shorter trip.

Once we've tapped into our erotic selves, the focus shifts to desiring our partners. It's not just about sexual acts but also appreciating non-sexual aspects of them, like their scent, their touch, and the intimate connection that comes from being close. The entire experience, from emotional connection to physical intimacy, contributes to desire.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

04: 3 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship

Tue, 12 Sep 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

Cultivating your relationship with your partner is important even if your relationship is going well. There’s no harm in improving it, as people change, circumstances change, and relationships evolve. Remember that relationships thrive on connection and consistent effort.

Strengthening your relationship doesn’t always require doing grand gestures or spending a lot of money. If you want to strengthen your relationship, then this episode is for you. Although there are many ways for you to cultivate love, we will just be focusing on three easy ways, as these seemingly small acts can have the most profound impact on romantic partners.

Simple things to do to cultivate love

I agree with the famous saying that it is the “thought that counts”. Sometimes, couples tend to stop doing the simple things that cultivate love, especially when they are busy with work, causing them to be disconnected from each other.

Cultivating love in a relationship involves more than just grand gestures; it's about the everyday moments. Even a simple "good morning" text or a lingering kiss goodbye can set a loving tone for the day.

Writing simple notes saying “I love you” may not be such a grand gesture, but it’s the idea that your partner thought of you before leaving the house - and took the time to let you know - that can keep the good vibes flowing throughout the day.

Personally, anytime we travel, my husband and I write Hallmark cards for each other and seal it, so that we can put it in each other’s suitcase as a loving surprise for the trip.

Set aside five minutes to connect

And although the both of you might be too busy for each other, set aside five minutes of your time to sit down and take the time to connect with each other. In my therapy practice, I recommend to my clients to have five minutes of uninterrupted conversation with their partner to talk about their relationship.

This greatly cultivates the relationship because you’re building each other’s trust and nurturing your love through a deeper connection. Spending quality time together fosters deeper emotional connection and helps partners understand each other better.

During these moments, you can share how your day went, discuss any concerns or challenges, and listen to your partner's thoughts. Holding your partner's hand as you navigate through your day's events, or sharing your thoughts can be deeply meaningful. These gestures not only create a strong emotional connection, but also reinforce the bond between you and your partner.

Trust is built over time through consistent actions and open communication. By consistently being present, you reinforce the trust your partner has in you. Setting aside five minutes for each other can also prevent issues from escalating into bigger problems.

Do something new with your partner

Sometimes, you just need to sprinkle a bit of excitement into your relationship by doing something new with your partner. In fact, research studies show that doing something new together releases dopamine – a feel good hormone.

Breaking away from your same old routine can make your relationship more vibrant and alive. This boosts the communication in your relationship as you go through unfamiliar territory, ensuring that you're on the same page and learning more about each other's preferences.

New experiences can rekindle passion and attraction between partners. Find things to do in your area that you think the both of you will enjoy. If you want to be more organized, you can try making a master list of new experiences you want to have with your partner. It can be as simple as exploring a new restaurant, taking a class together, embarking on a spontaneous road trip, or trying out a new hobby.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

03: What Turns You On?

Tue, 05 Sep 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

If you'd like to learn more about specific techniques to get turned on, I encourage you to visit a research-focused organization called OMGYES which focuses on presenting helpful information to enhance female sexual pleasure.

Women don’t typically have spontaneous sexual thoughts, and compared to men, they don’t have frequent sexual thoughts. That is why it’s hard for some women to get themselves turned on or even get in the mood for sex.

Communication is crucial in exploring more but how can you communicate what you want if you don’t know how to get yourselves turned on? Boost your self-awareness and confidence through the tips I will be discussing in relation to getting turned on, which is one of the most significant barriers to having great sex.

How do women get themselves turned on?

Many women think there's something wrong with them or that they're not interested in sex because they don't sit around having sexual thoughts, getting turned on and wanting to have sex just out of the blue. The truth, however, is that it’s normal and it’s just how women are wired.

As compared to men, women often get interested in sex once they start doing something sexual. Men have more frequent sexual thoughts and might also be more likely to externalize their sexual thoughts than women, which is why it is harder for women to get turned on.

This may or may not apply to you, but in the case of many women, connection in a relationship is important for them to get in the mood to have sex. Sometimes, this need to feel connected hinders women from getting turned on and eventually having great sex.

This connection goes beyond the physical aspects of sex and enhances the overall quality of the experience. If you’re someone who needs that connection with your partner to get turned on, build that connection and explore more of what you both want.

Stress and emotional well-being play a significant role in arousal. If we are anxious or uptight, oftentimes, we are not going to have the desire for sex considering that stress is a desire killer. It’s a smart move to find a way to have sex at a time that works for the both of you - when you are both well-rested. Always keep in mind that relaxation is equally important in feeling turned on.

Various fantasies also help some people get turned on and there’s nothing wrong with that. Incorporating fantasies can add a bit of excitement into your sexual experience. You don't have to tell your partner all of your fantasies, as these are more personal and private. It’s up to you if you want to share them with your partner to act them out and to explore more of your sexual desires.

Transitioning your brain to sex and indulging in erotica.

If you’re having a hard time getting yourself turned on, it would be best to figure out what your sexual interests are which might help you get turned on to have sex. This is what I refer to as transitioning your brain to sex.

Even as simple as setting up romantic candles or taking a relaxing bath, boost your mood for sex as you’re transitioned into a more relaxed state being surrounded by an intimate environment. You can also anticipate sex with your partner to get yourself more turned on.

For many women readers, they find romance novels filled with erotica sexually thrilling. This genre is popular especially now that there are audiobooks that they can listen to. Also, I want to emphasize that there are many ethical porn sites where the people that are engaging in the sexual acts are well paid and they are not taken advantage of.

How to get turned on by sex toys.

Sometimes, we just need a little help to boost our desires, which is why many women like using sex toys. Some use it as part of their foreplay to help them transition into feeling more aroused. These can help women achieve higher levels of pleasure, which can in turn boost desire and contribute to a more satisfying sexual experience.

There are many other ways to get turned on if sex toys are not for you. You can try doing some role play or dirty talk, if being playful with your partner is a turn on for you. Figure out what makes you feel desirable and confident.

Always keep in mind that if you can relax and enjoy sex, it does become more fun. Elevate the fun of intimacy and utilize these tips.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

02: Help Me Orgasm!

Tue, 29 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

If you'd like to learn more about specific techniques to help you orgasm, I encourage you to visit a research-focused organization called OMGYES which focuses on presenting helpful information to enhance female sexual pleasure.

When it comes to having great sex, sexual pleasure and connection are important. For many peope, reaching orgasm is highly important. However, orgasms for women are often elusive than male orgasms due to a diverse range of factors including lack of sexual arousal, pressure to have an orgasm and not getting enough clitoral stimulation.

If you don't typically have an orgasm or you’re having difficulty having orgasms, there are some things you can change to increase your chances or having an orgasm. Difficulties in achieving orgasm shouldn't be viewed as female sexual dysfunction; it's a shared experience that affects not just female sexual arousal and sexual satisfaction but also sometimes, the couple's relationship and women's self-esteem.

In this episode of the Great Sex Podcast, I shed light on the potential difficulties that women encounter. I also share some strategies and secrets to enhance your knowledge and sexual pleasure to help you on your journey to having consistent and pleasurable orgasms.

For Many Women, Orgasms are Really Elusive.

Ah, orgasms! They're like a burst of pure euphoria, releasing those delightful "feel-good" hormones in our brains. They're not just pleasurable; they're also great stress-relievers and provide health benefits such as relaxation, sleep, and an improved mood. The tricky part is that orgasms can be quite elusive for many women.

This episode highlights the challenges of female orgasm versus male orgasm. Although some men have difficulty experiencing orgasm, the more likely scenario is for a female partner to have trouble climaxing. Research shows a very clear orgasm gap between men and women, with men having a higher orgasm frequency. This episode topic is important because so many women don't know how to increase their chances of having an orgasm. We hope to lower the orgasm gap such that women achieve orgasm parity. Learning how to orgasm is a unique journey for every woman. There's no one-size-fits-all answer, and that's what makes this journey unique and deeply personal.

Understanding the Factors Affecting Female Orgasms.

There are various reasons women have trouble reaching climax, and it's essential to explore these factors with empathy and self-compassion. Various factors may influence your ability to orgasm, such as the need for the right amount of stimulation to the right place for the right amount of time, the right mood, and environment, pressure to climax and knowing what you need to have an orgasm.

The Pressure to Orgasm.

One of the most significant challenges women face is the immense pressure to orgasm. This pressure can stem from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, media portrayals of sex, and personal insecurities. I've had the privilege of working with countless women who've grappled with orgasm challenges. Many of them felt pressure to reach orgasm, often as a means of pleasing their partner, and many have felt like they're letting their partners down when they are unable to orgasm.

It's crucial to remember that orgasms are not the sole indicator of sexual satisfaction. Instead, focus on enjoying the journey, the connection with your partner, and the sensations you're experiencing. By letting go of the pressure, you're more likely to find your path to pleasure.

The Impact of Stress.

Stress can be a significant orgasm killer. Whether it's stress about life in general or sexual performance anxiety, our bodies are biologically wired to struggle with orgasms when we're stressed. The more you worry about taking too long to reach orgasm, the more challenging it can become. This is where the pressure to achieve orgasm can be detrimental to you experiencing an orgasm.

Relying on Penetration for Female Orgasms.

A common misconception is the belief that penetrative sex alone should lead to a female orgasm. Plus, most people think the goal of sex is intercourse. Isn’t that what Hollywood shows us? We see couples ripping their clothes off and bypassing foreplay and jumping right into intercourse, where they have earth shattering simultaneous orgasms. That's not real life; the reality is quite different.

Only a small percentage of women (18% to 30%) can achieve orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone, without the simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris. Additionally, only a small percentage of that 18 to 30% can reliably orgasm from intercourse. Make sure to engage in non-intercourse activities that get you sexually aroused such as massage, genital touching, sensual kissing, oral sex, and sex toys, savoring each moment rather than rushing to intercourse. Real-life pleasure and connection should be your primary goals, not just intercourse.

Getting Enough Stimulation to Your Clitoris or Other Erogenous Zones.

The clitoris is often referred to as the epicenter of female sexual pleasure and female orgasms, and for a good reason. It's packed with thousands of nerve endings and is the pathway to reaching orgasm. Erogenous zones are parts of your body that you find sexually arousing. For many women, these erogenous zones include not just the clitoris but also their breasts and g-spot. Nipple stimulation can be very arousing for both men and women. And just in case you don't know where the g-spot is, it's located on the rear vaginal wall about a finger's length inside your vagina.

A small bundle of nerves connect the g-spot to the clitoris. In terms of the types of female orgasms, there are many opinions about whether a clitoral orgasm is different from a g-spot orgasm or whether women experience blended orgasms from vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation. For some women, these types of female orgasms feel very different, while for others, there's no difference between a clitoral orgasm or a blended orgasm. Because the nerve endings connect the clitoris and g-spot, many sex therapists feel every orgasms is a clitoral orgasm.

If you haven't experimented with g-spot stimulation, you can try a sex toy such as a vibrator or dildo designed to provide direct or indirect stimulation to the g-spot. Likewise, you can position your body in a way that the penis hits the g-spot during penetrative vaginal intercourse while also using your fingers or a vibrator to directly stimulate your clitoris. For some women, thrusting during vaginal penetration provides vaginal stimulation by indirectly stimulating their g-spot and increasing arousal. Either way, most women need significant genital stimulation to their clitoris in order to orgasm in addition to any type of vaginal stimulation they receive from penetrative sex.

Taking Enough Time.

One significant mistake many women make is not allowing themselves sufficient time for their orgasm. Unlike men, who often orgasm within the first three to five minutes of direct penile stimulation, most women need 20-40 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Many women who haven't experienced an orgasm simply haven't given themselves the time they need.

Taking time during foreplay is essential, as some couples rush into intercourse too quickly, focusing solely on reaching their goal of having an orgasm through intercourse. Remember, the goal is pleasure and connection, not a race to the finish line.

Nurturing Your Journey to Orgasm.

Female orgasm, a topic often shrouded in mystery and misconceptions, is a unique journey for every woman. So, you might be wondering, "How can I nurture my journey to female orgasm?" There's no one-size-fits-all answer, and that's what makes this journey unique and deeply personal. Various factors may influence your ability to orgasm, such as the need for proper stimulation, the right mood, ambiance, or environment.

Your body is unique, and only you can truly understand where and how you need to be touched. Be open to exploring your desires and dislikes when it comes to sex. Take your time; women often require more time to orgasm than men.

Strategies to Improve Your Ability to Orgasm.

Now that we've touched upon some common challenges, let's explore strategies to enhance your orgasms. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but these tips can help you on your journey to sexual satisfaction.

Self-Exploration and Masturbation.

Getting to know your own body is an essential step on the path to better orgasms. Self-exploration through masturbation helps you to learn what feels good for you by touching yourself or using a sex toy. Explore yourself in a non-judgmental and curious manner. Learn what feels good and communicate your preferences with your partner. Masturbation is a healthy way to become more in tune with your body and your desires.

You can even invite your sexual partner to join into this type of sexual activity, enhancing both your sexual arousal and tension. If you need help finding the courage to masturbate or need ideas about new ways to masturbate or experience sexual stimulation, OMGYES is a wonderful, research-based resource focused on helping women and their partners learn about enhancing female sexual arousal and helping them to experience orgasm.

Communication is Key.

Whether its direct or indirect stimulation, vaginal penetration or clitoral stimulation with fingers, oral sex or using a sex toy, whatever you need for an enjoyable sexual experience is okay. Remember that it is your body and only you can know where you need to be touched, how long you need to be touched, and what type of touch you need.

Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial to a healthy sexual relationship. Let them know what feels good, what you'd like to explore, and any concerns or fears you may have. Creating a safe space for conversation can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship and hopefully set the stage for better male and female orgasms, along with a feeling of closeness and connection.

Experimentation.

Variety can spice up your sex life and help you discover what works best for you. Don't be afraid to experiment with different positions, techniques, or a sex toy if that's something you're comfortable with. What's most important is that you're both enjoying the experience.

Mindfulness Techniques for Sexual Satisfaction.

Stress can affect your overall well-being and your sexual experience. In fact, stress can be an orgasm killer. Our bodies are biologically wired to have trouble orgasming when we're stressed. Thus, the more you are stressed about your orgasm, the harder it is for you to reach that climax.

As a certified sex therapist, I recommend practicing mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness, the practice of being fully present in the moment, can significantly enhance your sexual experience. Being mindful means being fully present with your partner, noticing the subtle sexual cues and the things that bring you pleasure. Instead of getting caught up in performance anxiety or overthinking, try to immerse yourself in the sensations of the present.

Deep, conscious breathing can be an excellent tool for staying grounded and connecting with your own body. Letting go of distractions and being mindful can help you overcome mental barriers to orgasm. By being mindful, you'll become better at noticing sexual cues and all the things that feel good to you.

Start practicing mindfulness outside the bedroom first. Relax, breathe, and clear your mind. Mindfulness doesn't mean not having thoughts interrupt you. Rather, it's all about learning to stop thoughts from intruding and distracting you from being present. Instead of letting thoughts hijack you, mindfulness teaches you to notice the intruding thought and then immediately let it go. The more you develop this skill, the better you'll apply it during intimate moments.

Adopt the Mindset that You Can Orgasm

And lastly, adopt the mindset that you’re going to achieve orgasm. Your brain is your biggest sex organ and how we think about ourselves as sexual beings greatly impact our interest in sex and our overall sexual health. Keep in mind that you, not your partner, are responsible for your orgasm.

Seek Professional Help

If you find that your challenges with orgasm are significantly affecting your life and relationships, seeking help from a certified sex therapist can be incredibly beneficial. You can find a certified sex therapist in your state through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at AASECT.org.

Although orgasms are great for our physical and mental health, your goal should be to create an enjoyable sex life with your partner that honors sexual health and is based on mutual pleasure and a deeper and more intimate connection.

Resources:

The following are some additional resources for further reading:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz

The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides

Are you looking to spice up your sex life? I've created a FREE guide that gives you 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life and you can get it today at https://lovefilledlife.com/69ways

01: Ingredients of Great Sex

Tue, 29 Aug 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

Some people want to have great sex but they just don’t know how. And as a sex therapist, I frequently get asked how couples can improve their sex life. As such, it’s necessary to know that beyond communication and other factors, lies a journey of self-discovery and mutual exploration.

If you want to learn more about great sex or if you wish to add spark in your sex life and achieve great sex experience with your partner, this episode is for you.

What do we mean by great sex?

When we talk about great sex, we are referring to great sex in a committed relationship, not just the fleeting encounter of a one-night stand. It is through the intimacy of great sex in a relationship that couples or partners get to build a deeper connection with each other, that is not just constrained to their physical bond.

Each touch serves as a confirmation of fondness and every tender kiss an expression of deeper affection. This bond ignites pleasure and embodies an unspoken promise of mutual care, trust and respect.

We also have to note that sex is not like those movie scenes that mislead us into believing that all sex is magical. In reality, sex can sometimes just be average or sometimes, a dud due to reasons like erectile dysfunction, difficulty in having orgasms, issues with sexual arousal, and lack of emotional connection and erotic intimacy.

What are the ingredients for great sex?

One of the biggest ingredients for great sex is being attracted to your partner. When you’re in love with your partner, it makes you desire them in a romantic and intimate way because that’s a way of expressing love.

Sex with your partner is something that is special. I want couples to start considering sex as an avenue to explore and have fun freely rather than thinking of it as a chore that needs to be done.

The foundation for great sex is a foundation of strong love that is built on trust and mutual respect. It’s the love between you two that keeps you interested in having sex. For women, what gets them interested in having sex with their partners is that feeling of being closely connected to their partner. For men, on the other hand, they often feel loved through the act and experience of sex with their partner.

Trust is an equally important ingredient in having great sex, as the foundation of strong love is built on trust and mutual respect. When you trust your partner, you know that you are fully safe and accepted for who you are. Being in a safe space lets you express yourself more freely, further allowing you to explore more of your sexuality.

Communication is key to having healthy relationships.

Being able to talk to your partner about sex significantly affects your sex life, as you’re able to discuss your sexual preferences and interests, as well as your dislikes.

Another ingredient for great sex is your mindset. This holds true as the brain is referred to as the biggest sex organ. It’s your mindset about sex that can either make or break your sexual experiences. The thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes you hold towards sex wield a profound influence on your intimate experiences and interactions.

The level of comfort that you have with your body also affects your sex life. We are our own harshest judges on how we look and how others perceive us. But often times, it seems that this issue matters more to us than it does to them. We have to instill in our minds the importance of self-confidence. It is what makes us attractive to other people and what makes us love ourselves better.

Knowing yourself sexually is essential for you to be able to enjoy your sex life. Otherwise, if you don’t know what you want, how you want to be touched, or what feels good for you, then you’re less likely to have great sex. You have to know what you want and what you need, in order to communicate your desires with your partner.

Be open to exploring more to spice up your sex life.

While routine can offer a sense of security in your relationship, being open to exploring more during sex can inject a sense of excitement and unpredictability into your sexual dynamics. This is about delving into your own desires and understanding what truly arouses you.

Exploring more is a conscious commitment to establishing and nurturing a fulfilling sex life. However, in order to be comfortable in exploration, there must be a good foundation of mutual trust, love and respect. It's also important to establish clear boundaries and to always prioritize consent.

Setting up the right context for sex.

Having sex in the right time, place and head space will make your sexual experiences better. Context is more than just the environment, but it also covers how you’re feeling about yourself and your partner.

These factors are significant because it dictates your energy levels, stress levels, and overall readiness for intimacy. The intersection of timing, setting, and head space amplifies the pleasures of physical connection, enriching the experience on both an emotional and physical level.

Evaluate the aspects of your sex life and identify which ones you have to strengthen to improve your sex life. Your active involvement, combined with your partner's, fosters an environment of shared growth and intimacy. Remember that you’re in control of all these ingredients of great sex.

Resources:

Are you looking to spice up your sex life? I've created a FREE guide that gives you 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life and you can get it today at https://lovefilledlife.com/69ways

Introducing the Great Sex Podcast

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 03:00:00 -0600

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

Sex is one of the most important aspects in a relationship, which is why this is a topic that typically comes up when I talk to couples. Embracing the importance of great sex fosters deeper connection, elevating the relationship further and cultivating emotional intimacy in a relationship.

I would consider my past self as quite inexperienced in some aspects of intimacy, but things took a positive turn as my husband empowered me to explore more of my sexuality and to embrace being sexual. Considering that I am a direct person, I am more comfortable now talking about sex even with my family when we have gatherings.

I’m excited to be on this journey with all of you, as I answer burning questions about great sex and guide you to ignite your love and sex life. Remember that life is too short for bad sex. So stay tuned for my upcoming episodes!

Did you ever have questions about sex or your relationship? And you were too embarrassed or awkward to ask anyone, even a friend? Or have you felt yourself drifting apart from your partner, and you miss feeling close and in love, but you just don't know what to do? Or do you wish you were better at sex, or that you actually enjoyed it?

If any of those sound like you, then you're in the right place. I’ve created the Great Sex Podcast for people just like you who are in long term relationships, but want to improve your sex life with your partner.

Who I am and why I started this podcast.

I'm Dr. Heather England, the certified sex therapist and relationship expert who's excited to introduce you to the Great Sex Podcast. This podcast is your go-to source for candid discussions that tackle all your burning questions about love and sex.

I don't just bring professional advice to the table; I also share my own ups and downs in relationships, aiming to empower you to ignite your own love and sex life. I've been through a journey—from growing up in upstate New York, serving in the military, and working in the corporate world—to become who I am today, an expert on love and sex.

My podcast offers an intimate setting where you can feel comfortable discussing your own sexual experiences and questions. I know what it's like to go through romantic highs and lows, and I'm here to share insights to help you enhance your relationships. Whether you're feeling stuck in a relationship rut or looking to spice things up, the Great Sex Podcast is your guide to becoming a better sexual being.

What I hope to accomplish with this podcast.

I'm thrilled to guide you through the journey of achieving great sex and deeper love with this podcast. The focus here isn't just on sex, but on the crucial elements that make great sex possible in long-term relationships: deep, close, and trusting love. Let's cut through the noise and get to the information that no one talks about—answers to those questions you might be too embarrassed to ask. I aim to be as straightforward as possible, offering you actionable takeaways that you can easily implement into your love and sex life after each episode.

The format? Short and sweet. Expect episodes to be around 15 to 20 minutes long, because let's face it, who has the attention span for marathon podcasts? Of course, when I bring in guests—which I plan to do in the next eight to 10 weeks—those episodes may run a bit longer. My son Cooper will also be joining me monthly to dive into listener questions, and I guarantee he's a hoot you won't want to miss! I'm learning alongside you, and I'm incredibly excited to be on this journey with you to unlock the secrets of great sex and stronger relationships.

Resources:

Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.