Daphne says, "We want to make things right, we want it to be successful. Well, here's here's a big news flash. Your mom and dad are adult human beings, and they're going to go to the place that they're most comfortable with, which is usually their family. And now they need to learn how to trust somebody else. They need to know the mechanisms of how to push that button so that someone comes to their apartment, if they're in assisted living or independent, or if they're an adult family home. If there's a cognition issue, if there's a need for for ready on the spot care, don't don't close the door to that option. Now your mom or dad has to figure out, okay, I'm going to push this button that's going to take anywhere from three to 10 to 15 minutes for someone to get here. And I need to to plan for that. And and so that's a part of what they need to learn.

"Here's the integration piece that needs to happen in a large community, in my opinion: [plan to] have more care than what your parent may need. Have more touch points, have a two or three hour chat for two weeks, have escorting services, have someone come to them and tell them, Hey, it's bingo at 2:00. And I know you met Patty at lunch today and she's there. I'd love to have the two of you spend some time together. Can I take you down to bingo?

"It's that kind of integration that needs to happen from the community, not from you saying, 'Well, Mom, you have the calendar. Look at it. Look at the clock. You can get out the door and everything will be fine. And I'll take you to lunch outside the community.'"

Daphne suggests, "When you're establishing your care level or your care points or how often somebody checks in on your mom or dad, at least in the first two weeks, have it be higher than what you think is needed because then they will have someone teach them which hallway to go down to get to the activity room, to get to the library. They don't know where the library is. It might be something that they're really interested in, but they don't know how to get there and I don't know about you, but I keep my pride. I don't want to look stupid."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "I'm going to speak to one that's very common, that usually is misunderstood, and that is when I hear an adult child, saying,' well, my mom used to do x, and I'd love to see her do it again.' And very seldom does that happen. And so adult children will make their highest value a place with lots of activities, a place with lots of hubbub. And most often, that is not a value of the 80 or 90 year old now.

"And I say 80 or 90 year old because they're not 40, 50, 60 anymore. And life changes, it slows down. There's a different set of what it means to get through a day. And as adult children, we're not there. We don't understand it. We still want to hang on to mom or dad as that vibrant person, [and not] acknowledge that they're 80 plus years old.

"When we're making a change in housing and care for someone, their world is being turned upside down... As a furniture walker, they need help with balance. If they're a person that gets up in the middle of the night three times to go to the bathroom, they know how many steps it is. They know what corner to hang on to, so they don't fall. They know what side the toilet paper is on. All of that is going to change. And I promise you, your loved one is thinking about that."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "When you finally decide on where you want to go and tour, if you're going to a community that's assisted living or memory care, a large community, I would recommend no more than two a day. And as you're observing these things, you get to ask questions of the person that's touring with you. Now these things become very natural to someone like myself. We're going to observe things and we're going to ask the questions that you may not have even thought of. But all of these things are important in terms of you making as an informed decision as you can to not have another move for your loved one.

"There's a whole aspect of this touring piece that you as a consumer would very likely not know. And those are things about turnover of staff. Has the building recently been built or sold? How is the management, have they been there for ten years or 10 minutes? All those things make a big difference. But you, the consumer, will likely not have privilege to that information."

Daphne goes into detail about her checklist:

1. Visit one or two per day

2. How do the residents look?

3. Do the caregivers greet you?

4. Other things you might not know to ask

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "You need to know what your budget is, not only the total amount that you have, but your monthly expenditure that you can afford. There might be cash flow issues that go along. Now. If you had an advisor, they'd be bringing all of these things up and they'd be working through it and they know on the top of their head how much things cost.

If you have a book that you're looking at, very often that information is not going to be accurate. It's going to be information that is at the lowest scale of pricing for rent and care. Know that there's two different things, if you're looking at assisted living or independent living in a large community, the numbers that you see are not going to include care. Look how many things you might trip over. And we haven't even gotten to the building yet."

Daphne goes into detail about her checklist:

1. Have a clear picture of who needs care, assess the situation.

2. Assess the budget.

3. Know the general area they're moving to.

4. Establish your highest values

5. Do they convert to Medicaid when money runs out?

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "I recently met with a family where dad is about 85 years old and mom had passed away a couple of years ago. He's living in his own home and two weeks ago, got a diagnosis of very advanced cancer in his lungs that's metastasized to his stomach. And he has two daughters, one lives about 5 minutes away and the other is about 45 minutes away. And this family had cold water splashed in their face and they were beyond knowing what to do. So I got the phone call, and went over there immediately to help of navigate their next steps, because they had no one to be able to help dad. And Dad wants to die in his own home, and certainly has that right. And we can make that happen.

"But it's going through the whole process of what that meant to his two daughters. And one of the daughters was on the phone because she lives 45 minutes away, and the other daughter was sitting in the living room with us. And you could see the stress. The daughters get along just fine. They're sisters. But there was a significant difference in their perceptions and perspectives and sense of responsibility from being 5 minutes away or 45 minutes away. And so as you're thinking about becoming caregivers as family members for someone, really try hard to be outside of yourself and see the big picture."

When Suzanne was caring for her mom, she says, "Nobody sat me down and said, Mom's not going to get better. What we're doing is not to make her better. It's to make her comfortable. If they just would have said that to me, I would have had a completely different perspective. But health care professionals, they don't do a good job oftentimes of educating the family of where are we at in the process."

Daphne explains, "Health care professionals are on automatic pilot. This is what they do day in, day out. And it's not necessarily that they don't want to. It's just an oversight sometimes. Or it's a time issue, having 15 minutes with you in and out. So as a family caregiver, you might have to be thinking about the companionship and the socialization, boredom. You become the person that sits down and listens to dad's stories, or reads a book to him, or watches the old Westerns with him and seriously are engaged in it. And it's not your time to be taking care of your own bills because Dad does need socialization. He's lonely."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "There's an element of planning that I hope our listeners will hear and know that you can't wait until you're 70, 75 years old to think about this. It really is a sweet spot, about 55 to 60, to be thinking about this in terms of considering even long term care insurance, in terms of maximizing your buying power with your estate. But having resources and hearing the shock of the cost of care is where I see shoulders drop, where I see families lose hope, The twinkle goes out of their eye and they're like, We can't afford that."

Daphne goes over some finances options, including the basics of what to consider for reverse mortgages, Aid in Attendance, Medicaid, and life settlement.

She also talks about the level of care your loved one might really need. "Your intentions are spot on. Your heart is in the right place, but you don't see, sometimes, your loved one with the eyes of reality. I'm not taking anything away from all of your family caregivers out there. But you see them differently than professional eyes. Rational eyes are here to help your mom have the highest quality of life as possible. Still keep her independence, but not stress her out because she doesn't always get her arm in the sleeve, or it's hard for her to pick out something in the closet to wear, because there might be some condition issues. Set someone up for success."

As an example, Daphne says, "Mom is in a community now and we're really understanding that if there's any kind of cognition challenges, Mom does need help getting to the dining room. Turning left or right, or getting on the elevator and what floor am I on, is too much. It’s not quality of life to stress somebody out with figuring out what button am I supposed to push? And you might be there on one day and mom pushes the button just fine. But at 8:00 in the morning for breakfast, she wasn't synapsing as well. Or mom or dad – and this is universal – can pull it together for the people that they want to please or not be a burden to. And really, as a family member, you need to listen to the people who are caring for your mom day in and day out who are the professionals. You have to have an element of trust there."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Learn more:

* Pinnacle Senior Placements at Answers for Elders.

* About Daphne Davis

* Hear more podcasts with Daphne Davis

Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks.

Daphne says, "I am not an attorney and I'm not giving any attorney advice here today. But I will give you real life perspectives to consider, and that is do not avoid getting the paperwork done. The biggest one is power of attorney. It lets you speak on behalf of the person while they're still alive. And there's different paperwork for after they've passed away. But power of attorney is while someone is alive, and anything can happen at any time. I don't care if you are 30 years old and have three kids and you don't have power of attorney paperwork, you should worry about that. You should have a power of attorney paperwork.

"If you're 80 years old and you haven't talked about this yet, and you don't have a power of attorney, you should really – I'm going to use the word – worry about this. This needs to be taken care of. It creates so much chaos, so many hiccups to get over, hurdles to get over, makes protocols and systems work so much slower, if you don't have a power of attorney in place. I hope you heard me really loud and clear. It's really important. It's a very important document."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "I'm transparent. I'm going to choose places that meet your highest values. I'm going to tell the communities this is the highest value. This is why we're here. When the agent is with you, and you're doing your tours, I think that the agent should be very involved in the questions, to be sure to ask. The agent is going to know the pluses and minuses of the community. And if the agent doesn't have a relationship with the community of care in such a way that they can be honest and upfront that says, here's an area that you're going to have to compromise on, I don't think that's a transparent agent.

"You’re making a big decision. Agents should help you walk through the pluses and minuses and you should be able to walk away after seeing the third community walk away and be able to say, I want this from A and this from B in this from C, because then the agent did their job. They didn't stack the deck. They made your job hard. And all three of those communities are viable options. Now you, the family, get to fine tune it."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

First, Daphne explains what a referral agent does: "We call ourselves an information post. We are never decision makers. In the whole United States, there's a whole plethora of people just like me who help you gather the information that's pertinent to your state... We we are like a conduit between you, the consumer, and the people who provide housing and care and where the people who know what's going on in this housing and care industry. We find out about you, the unique consumer of what are your highest values, what works for you in this housing and care community, how some of the logistical pieces that work.

"An agent who has your best interest at heart will meet with you. There are some situations that because we're so mobile that we hold Zoom meetings because some of the siblings or the decision makers might be out of state, but usually we try very hard to meet one-on-one. In choosing to work with a placement or referral agent, there's no expense to you. The expense is to the community of care, right? Because we work off of their marketing budget. We are an extension of their community. That doesn't mean we have exclusivity to recommend to 5 to 10 places. A good agent should be working with all communities of care in the state. And based on your highest values, be able to have all of those communities of care as an option for you. At the same time, we function as kind of a clearing house or a person who's doing your vetting. I personally feel after 25 years of doing this job, that there's no way for any consumer to know the real nuts and bolts of a community of care. It's impossible for me to know everything about every community, because there's so many new ones."

As to the best reasons why you should bring in a referral agent, Daphne says, "You need to have the hard conversations. You are the family, but to actually facilitate them and to know how to walk through this is very difficult for family member to family member. And the number one reason is because you have a primary relationship, and that primary relationship usurps everything else. In most situations, mom and dad still stay mom and dad and you're still the child. That's what it comes down to. 'You're not going to tell me what to do. You're not in my head. You’re not here every day. You bounce in four times a year to see us, and you think you know what's going on with us?' Why would you even consider having somebody like me come into this equation? First of all, it doesn't cost you anything. But the primary reason is, you keep your primary relationship. Let the agent be the one who has these hard conversations. We’re the professional, we are the expert. You are not. You might be a nurse, you might be an occupational therapist, you might be a police person, you might have been an EMT, but you are not the expert [in this area]."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "I'm going to say in 2025, currently I'm seeing a lot of skepticism, a lot of fear, a lot of lack of trust, a lot of what ifs, and that it's becoming okay to to maintain the status quo. Even though there may be people quietly suffering, overtly suffering, things can start sneaking up on you... I have never seen so much inaction. That causes a ripple effect of suffering. And so what I mean by that is, it's easier to go along with what whatever mom or dad says, whatever the aunt or uncle says, whatever your wife or husband says, it's just easier to go with. They said they were fine, So they're fine. Rather than doing any investigation or listening to your gut or stepping outside of yourself, knowing this is going to take time, energy is going to interrupt your pattern of life. But in the in the long run, you will have this relationship that hopefully to their last breath will be meaningful and beautiful."

Regarding how to start tough conversations, Daphne says, "This is how I do it personally and professionally. And that's to name the thing that you're most afraid of. Just name it. It will lose power. Dad, I know this is going to be a hard conversation. I want you to hear my heart, not just my words. I know this is not a conversation that that we're wanting to have, but trust me that it's one that's going to be good. Name what you're afraid of. Yeah, I know you want to keep doing your laundry, but going up and down the stairs to get to the basement, to the washer is making me so afraid of the consequences if you have an accident. And here comes the end. The defensiveness. 'I'm fine. I haven't. I haven't fallen down the stairs yet. I'm not going to.' I know you're not planning to, but, Mom, you're in your eighth decade of life and your body is not the same. It's not going to bounce back like when you were 40. Mm. All those things they rest in logic. They do rest in the what ifs, and a lot of people don't want to live in the what ifs."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

To final a referral agent in your area, visit the National Placement & Referral Alliance website search.

Daphne says, "Recognizing what someone does day in and day out – and it gets to be month after month, and sometimes year after year – just articulating your gratitude to someone has more power than you can even imagine. It lifts the spirit. And it can just be verbal, and just be, 'Thank you. I don't know how you do what you do. Your energy is incredible. You always have a smile for Dad, no matter how confused he is.' The simplest of things can go so far. When you're in a place of gratitude, you can have a heart more of abundance."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "We need to just stop and decide: What are our highest values for me individually, or for our family, or for my relationship with my mom and dad? And for you to have a benchmark – or a litmus or an understanding – of what your highest value is and then work toward that highest value... One [example] would be that I want my parents to be as happy and as healthy and safe as possible while honoring their own wishes. That could be a very standard highest value. You, as an advocate for whoever those people are, parents or otherwise, tweak that in terms of, how can I help them gracefully get into this next chapter of life and still honor their wishes? Because sometimes we have to be very proactive and sometimes we have to say the words that are not easy to say.

"And so I'd like to give you just some ideas of how to do that. As an adult child, that could be, 'Mom and dad, this is a tough place for me to be at, and I respect you completely, but I'm seeing the following.' And I would love to have a conversation about this without anybody getting defensive, if we can. And throw some humor in it, if that's your personality. Or if you're a friend and you see something from a distance – maybe it's a couple or somebody that you see at church that's a caregiver for everybody in the church – be able to say to them, 'My heart is is kind of hurting for you right now. And I am your friend. And I feel almost a responsibility to kind of have a conversation. We can have it once and be done, but it's on my heart and I really want to point out some observations that I have.' These are words off the top of my head. And I don't know your personality. These are my personality words, but have the courage to talk about what's going on. Even though someone is saying, 'I'm going to die in my house and go out for feet first,' even though somebody says, 'Nope, I'm not leaving my home,' even though somebody says, 'We're fine,' you still have the courage to push through that, because people aren't fine."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "If you're an adult child, or if you're a power of attorney, for someone, I implore you, ask questions. Any question, it does not matter. If somebody is at the hospital and you see on the board in the hospital room that they are on a no-salt diet, ask about that. Why? It might be something that's very prudent for right now, or it might be something that's in their chart from years ago and isn't germane to today.

"When people go to their doctor's office, or when they go to get admitted to the hospital or you're in the E.R. As the patient, you have the right to ask any question.. If [the answer] didn't make sense, or you're not clear about it, ask again. It's your body. It's your life. Be bold, and just ask questions."

Regarding resources that are are available to help. Daphne says, "Most counties have a resource called Aging and Disability, and that's a really good source of information to find out what services are in your county or in your community. It is a good resource. Many of those resources are free, or they can be at a reduced rate through the county and that's [paid for] through your taxes. Make use of those services that your county has.

"Another resource in your community: You may have a person that's called a placement navigator, or someone who does placement and referral for housing and care for seniors. And that's what I do. I'm a resource for people. Typically our services are free to the consumer. And so we're a point of information, an information post. And when you reach out to someone, that's not saying, 'Oh, I'm ready to move,' it's a place to gather information.

"Another place that you can sometimes find resources is through your church. If you've got a faith system, your pastor, your rabbi, a priest, they may know of some resources for you or people to help you get through a situation, or just to inform you about how how does this system work."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Suzanne says, "The thing that's so overwhelming is, she didn't take care of herself. She let her disease progress to the point where she passed away – and she was on the phone with her doctor. Of course, we will never know exactly the facts of that phone call, but the whole point is, it's overwhelming. They tend to ignore their own health, their own symptoms, their own lives. They let themselves go down the rabbit hole, all in the sacrifice of caring for someone else. And this is a classic scenario. "

Daphne says, "It is. But it also isn't necessarily something that's front and center, it sneaks up on them. The power of stress on our bodies is not always able to be seen when you're in it. And sometimes even from your family, if you've got daily routine with your family, they may not see the effects of your added responsibilities and being a caregiver. But internally, your body is is fighting to hang on. And that changes from decade to decade. The more birthdays you have, the more profound stress can be on your body functions. And so when you have a doctor – or a friend, or someone who's visiting you after seeing you maybe a few months ago – really, really listen to what they're saying. Please don't dismiss it."

Daphne adds, "If you're the caregiver, you are in the thick of it and you are in the routine of doing what you do on a daily basis. I'll speak as a daughter. I remember when my mom would say, 'Daphne, today wasn't that bad,' or when she had a really bad day, she'd say, 'Tomorrow will be better,' or one that was really stressful and she was caring for my dad, who had Lewy Body dementia and Parkinson's, when it was a very stressful day and things really were falling apart, that's when she was most often ready to get some additional care. And then the sun comes up the next day, and she says, 'Now, Daphne, I can go another day.'

"It's those deepest days that you really need to listen to, because that's the denominator that determines how much stress you have. Yes, you are a caregiver, and your heart is going to be full of compassion to keep going... You're on this roller coaster, and your body is spitting out adrenaline and cortisol with that roller coaster. And the faster that wave gets on the roller coaster, the more stress you're going to have. We’ve got to give ourselves a break. We have to do it."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "When you're looking for someone to help you guide you through this maze of options, ask for referrals in terms of what are other families — and I would specifically ask for, I want to know about your hardest ones. You know, I want to know about the ones that you had to work hard. What was the outcome? And it doesn't have to be all rosy. We're human beings, right? We know that things can go sideways. That's the uniqueness of each story.

"I am president of the chapter in the State of Washington for NPRA, the National Placement and Referral Alliance. It is a trade association specific for referral and placement agencies. They have a code of ethics that they are developing nationwide, much like you would think of the Bar Association for attorneys, but certainly not at that level of sophistication. It allows me to be able to have vetted people in most states that can provide the level of guidance that I would want for for any of my clients.

"And so that really does my heart well in terms of being able to be a part of Answers for Elders and having this nationwide presence, that we can start to establish a a litmus, a benchmark of what consumers can expect. And the other piece that NPRA does is really focuses on legislation about family choice, being able to protect our seniors and not being bombarded by a constant information that's not appropriate or feeling like they don't have choice. So that's something that NPRA is very, very focused on. I wanted to share with you that information on how can I help people nationwide when I'm sitting in the Seattle greater area."

Daphne adds, "It's very hard to know who I'm supposed to trust these days. And so there's there's some ways of just vetting people through NPRA. There's a test that's designed specifically for referral agencies, and you can look for a little CPRS [logo], which is Certified Placement and Referral Specialist, and it's very akin to little letters behind someone's name. CSA, Certified Senior Advisor. And the difference between the two is the CSA is broad — it's for many, many different disciplines of help and support to our senior communities — and the CPRS is specific to [people] like myself. So that's one thing that you can look for."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

1. Meet face to face.
2. Make sure they can refer you to every available option, not just the ones they have contracts with.
3. They will go with you when you tour facilities.
4. They will stay with you and help during the transition time.
5. Make sure you are comfortable enough to ask questions and share family secrets.

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "When you don't have enough information about making a really serious decision or consequential decision, inevitably what I have found is that people have to make another decision in a very short amount of time. What is the right fit for my mom or dad? I don't want to limit it to just talking to adult children and talking about your mom and dad, but let me just generically paint that picture. Even if you're looking for yourself, having enough information so that you don't have to move again is probably one of the things that could motivate consumers to want to explore a referral agent.

"Many times we can think we can do this ourselves [with] a computer and the Internet... But in this scenario, people are very unique, and they do not fit into a cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all group... It's so important to me to find to be able to meet the loved one. And I don't I don't care if it's for 2 minutes or 2 hours. There's a uniqueness in the energy of your loved one that is important to pick up on. And that's one of the things that in choosing a referral agent, make sure that they're not going to just work off of piece of paper of symptoms and general allergies... Inviting a professional to help you in figuring out where is your mom or dad right now, or where are you right now in the journey of life? What chapter of life are you in to have someone be able to come in and take a snapshot picture of today?"

Daphne adds, "What are our highest values in making this move? Why are we making this move? What are the things that have to exist in this new place called home for your loved one? Once you've established what those highest values are, then you as a family — and I'm going to just talk as a family — you can keep each other accountable to that litmus to that list of highest values and not get in the weeds, but mom really liked doing Fill in the Blank. And she was 40 years old when she did that... So sticking to what are the highest values, that's what a referral agent will do, will help walk through discovering what are the important things to talk about.

"I'm going to generically say in our later years in life, whatever number that starts out, but 80, 90 years old, being able to to say, what is it today? Yeah, Dad used to like to go out and go fishing and he still has that interest, but he's not fishing anymore. But now he wants to talk about it. Or now he wants to educate other people about how fishing, or he wants to be proud of his collection of fly fishing poles, whatever it is... it's not choosing a community that he gets to go out on the river and go fishing."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "I have 25 years of being able to see some patterns in this industry of housing and care for elders and seniors. What I'm seeing now is a lot of hesitation and people not sure who they can trust. I'm seeing families come to me and say, 'I just don't have enough information. Why are people not telling me what's going on with my mom or dad? I don't know what direction to go.' It used to be this way Medicare covered X, Y, and Z, and now I'm finding out they don't cover that anymore...

"If you think of a hospital and what used to happen there was, you had something get diagnosed or responded to in the E.R., you had some time to recover. If you have surgery, you have some time to recover. That's not the case anymore. Now they ship you off to rehab... and, well, what's rehab, what's skilled nursing, what is this? And what can I expect there?

"Do I take mom home? Do we do in-home care? Do we contract through our insurance, Medicare insurance? Do I have P.T.A. and speech therapy come in? Do I go to an assisted living? Physical therapy or occupational therapy? Or do I look at assisted living?"

Daphne adds, "What are you going to get when you have chosen someone to help you, whether it be in a referral agency, or a moving company, or an elder law attorney? I'm really looking forward to talking about the subject of, what do you look for in a referral agent? We do have referral agents available nationwide. Each state has their own requirements of what a referral agent can and can't do. And some states are more sophisticated about having requirements in terms of how to run their business.

"In general, I get to come in, hear the story, do some research, go on a tour, show you what's available out there, and then you, the family, have some guidance to make an informed decision."

Reach Pinnacle at 1-855-734-1500 or visit PinnacleSeniorPlacements.com.

Daphne says, "My first golden tip would be: if anyone has an opinion, or wants to be a part of a process, or will have a thought about what should happen with mom and dad, they need to be involved in gathering the information from the very beginning. Everyone needs to hear the conversations, everyone needs to get the printed matter. Even if they say 'I trust you, you take care of it,' because inevitably we're curious people, we're gonna ask a question and the person who's at the front line is gonna go, 'I've done all this work already. I've narrowed it to these things. You said you trusted me.'

"Those conversations need to be collective. I encourage people to have a third party. If you have a situation where someone lives out of town — or the relationships between child and parent are strained, or very different, or there's 19 years between the oldest and the youngest siblings, there's gonna be different perspectives — have these conversations together. 

"The other thing that I would really suggest is having it agreed upon by all people involved that we are going to stick to the following highest values, which means you go through a process of discovering what are the highest values from your perspective with a child. What is an example of that? Mom could never give up her gardening. She's got to have some kind of place to be gardening. That's a high value. If they're going to assisted living or independent living, she's got to have a garden. Dad has to have a TV room, dad has to have his own space, he has a collection that he has to keep. There might be something from a religious point of view. They might need to be close to their church or their synagogue. There might be a difference in perspective concerning finances. Mom and dad have money, let's just assume they have some money that they can privately pay for their own care, and they've worked hard for that. And one perspective is they should spend their money on themselves. But mom or dad says no, no, no, we gotta leave something for our kids."

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Daphne says, "It happens all the time.Because mom or dad was at home already, and husband and wife were making this work, the natural place to go is back home. And that's not a bad thing to do, if you have the services available to help you. I encourage people to talk to a social worker if they're coming out of a rehab situation, or at the hospital, to talk to the social worker and ask them about in-home care. That is something that can supplement the family supporting mom or dad. And it can be a little bit expensive, and nationwide I'd say probably an average is about $40 to $45 an hour. There's usually a four-hour minimum. So there's some restraints on that.

"But it's a time that you can leave the rehab and have a cushion, of somebody to help mom or dad in the morning, let's say to start their day. Or it might be more to end their day, or it might be to make sure there's three meals prepared, or something like that, but it's a good way to transition back home, if in fact it can be successful at home. 

"The other thing is, I caution families to put too much stress on themselves. You've got your siblings. 'Mom and dad have taken care of us all of our lives. We can take care of them now.' And that is good for the short term, but not the long term. And I'll tell you why: your relationships will suffer. And your primary relationship, as son or daughter to your mom or dad, will change. And the stress level increases — that's transferred to your mom and dad. Now the healing process is going to slow down. They're stressed because they feel like they're bothering you, because you're in the sandwich generation, and you're running kids to soccer game and taking care of mom."

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Daphne says, "Are you finding a medication on the floor that's underneath the dining room table, because it just slipped out of their hand when they walked from the kitchen to the dining room? Think of that big broad picture. Let's say mom and dad are living in the home, and you help with supplementing some grocery shopping, and you're seeing the same foods around, or even the box of saltine crackers that they asked for isn't opened yet. Or you bring over a meal or two a week, and there's very little taken out of it. You'll say, mom, you haven't eaten, it's your favorite dish, and she'll, she'll say, 'well, I just wasn't hungry.' That's a sign. Everyone needs calories to make their body work. If it's not fueled, it won't work. Your body is a machine and it needs high-octane fuel. You can still have your ice cream, but you gotta get some protein.

"Let's say that they've lived in the same house for 60 years, and the furniture has been exactly the same way for 60 years. All of a sudden you're seeing them touching the back of the furniture as they walk, or they're touching the wall, or they're using their next hand, that they're taking a step with, to reach for the chair that's in front of them. Furniture walking. It's not a terrible thing to do because your loved one has figured out, how do I keep myself safe? But there's something behind that ,in terms of maybe a balance issue, maybe lightheadedness, weakness in their muscles, something's going on. That's a sign."

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Daphne says, "Post pandemic, what I'm seeing is that families are really trying hard to have their loved ones stay at home for as long as they possibly can. And I think that comes from a number of places. No one wants to leave their home. There's no place better than home, and we're going to figure out how to make that work. But I think there's another piece that's happened, and that's in terms of having trust, and knowing who can you trust to help you navigate this whole world of care outside of your home. When we were back in that pandemic time, we got to see what it's like to rely on a caregiver who's taking care of 15 to 25 people. And so we got scared, and we said, oh my gosh, I can do this. I know I can do it. 

"We're waiting way too long to give support to our elders. I'm just gonna say it. It's hard to hear. Having a bandaid to the professional care of what your family may need is not helpful on many levels. One, the quality of life for your parent and their ability to have a quality life every month of their life, it should never decline. There are ways to keep it happy, even though it's going to change.

"Families are really at odds with each other. I've been doing this for 25 years and I have never had such dissension within families and not be able to help them get on the same page. Each state has different offerings. And so it's really important for you, the families, to be able to connect to somebody who can help you navigate within your own state system. That's very important because what we can do in Washington doesn't happen in New York."

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