Self Published

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 19 May 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published Episode 9. I’m Aziza Kibibi and in this episode we are going to talk about the birds and the bees. Yes, yes y’all. We will be discussing the very thing that drives human kind. The very thing that leads to the creation of each and every one of us. The very thing that many just can’t seem to get enough of. Ssssex! And aside from the blog post topic being about sex and my own sexuality, you may be wondering “well Aziza, what does sex have to do with publishing a book?” And to you I will answer this…

When it comes to making and marketing a product, the old adage is that sex sells. But often people take that way too literally. Sure seeing rippled six pack abs, glistening smooth skin or an ample bosom is eye catching, but often sex in imagery can be very subtle. So subtle in fact we may not even realize that is the reason why we are drawn to an ad, thumbnail, post or even a person at first.

Since the topic of my memoir Unashamed a life tainted addresses sexual deviance and trauma, I had a lot to consider when designing my book cover, (as I spoke about in episode 4), as well as marketing my book and even my public persona. But the thing with me is that I am proud of and I absolutely love…. me! And that include the parts of me that many may not find to their liking….or actually maybe too much to their liking which in turn makes them uncomfortable with there thoughts because…anyway, let me refocus before I get lost down that rabbit hole. My point is you can’t please everyone. And this episode is about learning how to please yourself and then acclimating your audience into your world. So without further ado, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with…

The Blog post

January 18, 2014

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

One of the most challenging aspects of recovery for a survivor of sexual exploitation, is one’s perspective of sex I went through many stages in my sexual growth and it's safe to say I continue to go through them. As a little girl I was confused between the sensations I was feeling, if what was happening to me was right or wrong, fear, and the stress on my body. I have children and I know sexual exploration is a part of growing up, but to have it forced on you is traumatizing to say the least.

By the time I reached puberty my father had pushed my body to the point that my physical senses were numb and my mentality was that him raping me was another one of my household chores. If I wanted to avoid being choked or punched while he had intercourse with me, it was best that I didn't fight.

I went from a little girl who's innocence and love for her father was used against her, to a teenager who's will had been broken to the point that she fit perfectly into the role created for her; to a grown woman with little identity of her own; sexual or otherwise. So what now?

At twenty five years old I'd already been having sex most of my life; but I'd never had an orgasm, I didn't see sex as something that was suppose to be pleasurable for a woman, and I'd been trained to please one person.

When I was with my first, outside of my dad, I really wanted to express how I felt about him physically. We talked on the phone, spent time together and I told him what happened to me. I trusted him and when we kissed for the first time (one of the many things I hated doing with my father) my body ignited with sensations that I didn't know was possible. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad! But when the day finally came, it was a disaster.

As soon as I felt his penis, seventeen years of sexual abuse came flooding back. I didn't break down, I didn't bolt and I didn't refuse; I reverted back to the trained obedient little girl I grew up as, and I went through the motions of making this man cum. As soon as that happened, I felt nothing. No amazing sensation running through my body, no will, no understanding if I liked what was happening or not. I was again the orifice being used for a man to get his rocks off on. And it was horrible.

I felt like everything that I built with this man went out of the window. I was embarrassed, ashamed and because he didn't orgasm, I felt like I didn't do my job.

This whole experience made me resentful. I was away from my father, yet he was still present in my life through my interactions with another man. I knew that had to change.

Thanks to my dad, sex was something negative in many ways, and I had to dispel so many head games it was crazy! Without knowing anything about psychology, I knew I had to deprogram the associations I made between sex and misery, and start all over again.

I started to read books on sex, scientific, practical and entertainment focused. I read books on masturbation, the female anatomy, sexual art, fetishes, female orgasm and ejaculation, as well sexual practices from different cultural perspectives. I watched porn and I read erotic literature while paying attention to what aroused me and what didn't. If I saw images that pertained to my father but still triggered sensual sensations in me, I didn't shy away from it. I told myself that if other women can enjoy it, than there's no reason I couldn't either. From there, I started masturbating. I was the only one I trusted with myself so, I enjoyed myself, by myself. I communicated with the man (who became my first love) everything that I did and he was in full support. Then one day while having an erotic dream, I woke up in the middle of my first orgasm! After that, I couldn't get enough. Rape? What rape? Molestation? What molestation? Daddy? Who the hell was that and what did he have to do with my orgasm? This became my viewpoint of the pleasure my body was capable of feeling. (Side note: God created sex as a means to reproduce. In order to make a baby a man has to orgasm but a woman doesn't. Yet we still have the ability to orgasm. Which means, God gave us our orgasm just for us to enjoy! I'm just saying.)

Once I was comfortable with my ability to have sexual feelings without associating it with something negative, I introduced my boyfriend. And the rest is history.

Recovering after sexual trauma is a process. It takes work, focus and practice. But first one must accept that they have a right to and deserve to enjoy sex again. Starting with the passion to retake the power stolen from you, and not allowing the abuser to maintain control after the attack, enjoying sex without hangups is possible, and very probable.

My father performed cunnilingus on me when he started molesting me, and today cunnilingus is probably my favorite sexual activity. Im not ashamed to say that there may be some association pertaining to (this is where I get technical) Unconditioned Stimulus, Conditioned Stimulus and everything else concerning classical conditioning and Ivan Pavlov. But I don't care! It could be, and it could not be. I'm not going to dwell on it because doing so would just be a continuation of crediting and/or discrediting my father for my sex life. At the same time if there is association, oh well. There's nothing I can do about it now. I need to live my life, and that includes enjoying the pleasure that myself and someone I care about can give me.

SideBar

You can’t edit your own work. Well, let me take that back,…you shouldn’t edit your own work. And by edit I mean the final and/or second to final edit. Of course when writing, every draft is an edit and you as the writer do the first few. But before publishing or distribution, you must allow a fresh pair of eyes to make edits for grammar and content. I knew this. Which is why I searched for an editor first in my school (remember the professor who came on to me?), in my social media network, among my friends and amidst my business associates; which is where I finally found one.

A young women came highly recommended by a gentlemen who I’d met and baked some cookies for. Taking my own advise, I’d spoken with him about my project even though he had nothing to do with book publishing, and lo and behold, he had a good friend who was an editor, a contributor for a popular media blog, a ghost writer and an ad copy writer.

We met, I told her about my project, she sent me some samples and references, I sent her 5 pages to edit to make sure she meshed well with my writing voice, she returned them and it was all good. She gave me a quote and an estimated date for completion which was within plenty of time of my deadline, I accepted, we singed a contract which included a non disclosure agreement, I gave her $1300 in money orders and I sent her my 558 page draft for her to get started.

3 weeks later she sent me 75 edited pages. Things were looking good but I was finding some basic mistakes and some grammar edits that completely changed the context of my writing.

OK…ok, this is just part of the process right? We had a phone meeting and corrections and clarification were made. Cool. But it was nagging me that when I compared her 75 pages to the original 75 there wasn’t many differences aside from what she did wrong. But ok, maybe I’m just that good of a writer. It’s all good.

Two more weeks passed and she sent me another 25 pages. Ok, it was looking good at first; a few spelling errors on my end that she corrected, great. But again, an entire event was changed around. When I asked her about it, she said that what I wrote was too unbelievable and wouldn’t be accepted by a reader. Uhm, Huh? I had to remind her that everything in my manuscript was actual events. It was my life for crying out loud and changing the events is not what I hired her to do. She expressed her understanding, apologized and corrected the issues. I checked that we were still on track with timing which she confirmed and we scheduled the next check in.

Ten days later, to my pleasant surprise I received from my editor 25 more pages. We were three months out from my deadline, and I thought at this rate she just may finish the entire manuscript early. And the 3rd time is definitely a charm because I had no issues with this batch of edits. She corrected my spelling mistakes, made edits to phrases for clarity and even poetically emphasized a sentenced with such eloquence, it was as if she plucked the colorfully abstract artistic imagery right from the thought bubble floating above my head and translated it into words.

I emailed her thanks and praises, confirmed our meeting the following week and went about my business.

Two days later while going through my email, I noticed that my editor didn’t respond to my last correspondence, so I text her.

By the end of that day, I noticed she didn't respond to my text so I called her and left a message on her voicemail.

The day comes for our meeting and I had yet to hear from my editor. I emailed, I called I text and nothing.

First thing I thought was I hope she didn’t die. I don’t know why that thought always pops into my head when I don’t get a response from someone, I guess because death can be sudden and final….anyway I digress.

Our meeting date came and went and I heard nothing from this lady. I called our mutual associate and he said it was very unlike her not to respond because she’s very professional. A sentiment I myself shared based on the interaction I had with her thus far.

Two weeks go by. Nothing. Another Two weeks later, nothing. I was now 8 weeks from my deadline with only 125 pages edited and out $1300! I didn’t have the money to hire another editor in time so I used what I learned from the edits she made and though I knew I couldn’t be as effective as an objective party, I went about editing my own manuscript. What else was I supposed to do? I kept emailing in hopes I’d get a reply. And since the phone always rang before it went to voicemail, her phone was charged right? That was a good sign. So I kept leaving voicemails praying I’d get a call back. A Month later and still no email, no call back no text response. It was clear to me I would miss my deadline. Even if I did hear something at that point, she wouldn’t be able to finish editing in time.

Three weeks before I was to submit my manuscript to a potential self publishing company I called her phone one more time. There was an answer…this number has been disconnected.

Ask/Invite/Announcements

Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, or a even a quick recipe for dinner for 4, please follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell.

Writing advice

Like any product made available to the public, a book, film or any form of art, it requires a need for it. Especially if you plan on being compensated for your work wether it be in the form of cash, admiration, fame, respect, opportunity or anything else of value to you. Now don't get it twisted, yes there must be a need, but that doesn’t mean that it’s known there’s a need. Just saying.

Now luckily for us what is considered art is subjective to the audience, and any form of it at the very least will bring some type of satisfaction to said audience, even if only to be something for them to hate or criticize.

But I think it’s safe to say that if you want to publish something, it’s with the intention of it being enjoyed and wanted by others.

So, if you are a creator who intends on her or his creations to be consumed by the public, how do you give your audience what they think they want while staying true to yourself?

I have a formula. Mostly you plus a little of them with a dash of the industry.

The mostly you part should be easy. It’s your work, your inspiration, your heart and soul. Don’t allow what you think is popular in the industry dictate your creative manifestations. It’s fine to take it into consideration and allow it to influence it somewhat, but keep in mind many great works like the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, weren’t considered great by industry standards and professionals.

But, that doesn’t mean you should ignore industry standards. Especially if you’re new to it. Ever heard the term “don’t try to reinvent the wheel?” You’re trying to enter a field that already exists. A party that clearly has a dress code. A group that has their language established. And that being the case, there’s a lot you can learn from it.

For example, If you want to be published by a traditional publisher, 9 times out of 10 you’ll need to submit your work based on their requirements. And if you want to self publish your work, it’d do you good to learn marketing strategies from the pros.

As for the the “little of them part”, that comes in the form of caring about your audience. While you can look at what’s worked with audiences in the past, that’s the past. The present and the future could be something completely different. That being said, what your audience wants is somewhat of a mystery, even to them.

There is currently studies being done on why a meme goes viral. No one knows. Why did kermit the frog looking at his dark side reflection appeal to the masses? Sure we can look at cultural and societal events, color contrast, relate ability, familiarity and many other markers that could be the reason the graphic of a shrouded kermit talking to his un-shrouded self went viral in too many interpretations to count, but the exact combination that made it appeal to so many is as dark as the death star itself. So I recommend instead of trying to predict what would please an audience, consider trying to predict how not to displease them.

In my case I had to consider traumatizing my reader. My subject matter is a tough pill to swallow. But being a necessary pill to swallow I had to figure out how to make it easier to go down. And I chose to use relatability. But to know what to include in my memoir that would be relatable, I had to create an imaginary audience who could relate. Outlining who your audience is helps a great deal in the marketing and somewhat in the creation stages of your project. Who is your consumer? Are they parents? What colors do they like. What do they do to put food on the the table? Are they married? Single? Divorced. Do they like their parents? Their job? Their home town?

Your work may appeal to more than the audience you imagine which is a good thing. But thinking about who you imagine would be consuming what you have to offer, makes it much easier to create the recipe for the cake they didn’t know they were craving.

Outro

Hey you. Thank you so much for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope in this episode you were able to find something useful to you or someone you know. There’s only one more episode left in this season y’all. So I hope you really soaked this episode in. It got a little..well….lets just say when I was reading the blog post I was like, ooh, Aziza. You go really real in this one lol. I just find sex such a fascinating topic. It’s something that never gets old. People need but trivialize. Too many will go to jail for it, some will die for it and others will actually kill for it. Yes, many serial killers actually get sexual gratification from killing. It’s a weakness, a weapon, a power, a sin and a miracle. And yes, it can sell books. But before I go on an entire episode’s worth of information on sex and sexuality, I want to say this is the second to last episode in the season! Thank you in advance for sticking with me this far and I hope you stay stuck because there’s more to come. Until next time. Be blessed for you are a blessing.

Self Published is written, produced, edited and hosted by Aziza Kibibi.

Music by Yomoti, Gunnar Johnson and Arden Frost via Epidemic Sound.

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted...

NEED HELP?

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 12:00:00 -0500

What contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many friends and suitors recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television.

Intro :

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 8.

It doesn't matter how successful you are, no one reaches that success without the help of someone else.

I’ve been called an overachiever, hyper-ambitious, a know it all, a do it all…everything that you could label someone who has the passion and drive to achieve many goals and achieve them. This may all sound great but the truth is, its a lot of fricken pressure. When people know you through your successes and you have a reputation that you break through steel walls to get shit done, it piles on a lot of pressure. You find yourself in a spotlight that while it brings attention to your successes, it can also expose your failures. So when you’re struggling, you are afraid that asking for help may make you seem week or incapable.

I’ve struggled with this throughout my life and this blog I’m going to share with you talks more about how difficult that struggle really can be. So enough with the intro, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with this next….

Blog post

December 28, 2013

S.O.S.

I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway.

I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father.

My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing very well considering what my life has been, there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it.

When my father came into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. This was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family. I became used to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance. There were decisions I had to make as a child that affected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help, the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice.

Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem or a challenge, I pull up my boot straps, buckle down and handle my own business.

But just lately I've been feeling overwhelmed. There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month or months in the year for me to get all I have to do done. At the same time if I have a day where there isn't as much to do or things can't get done because they are outside of my control, I feel useless and unproductive.

What am I suppose to do with myself? And that question is not rhetorical either. If anyone reading this post has any suggestions, I implore you to let me know. And while I'm at it, if you know a literary agent, a publisher, an editor, how to write a grant proposal, a financial advisor, a lawyer and have suggestions on dealing with a fourteen year old boy who's father is his grandfather who happens to be in jail for molesting, beating and raping his mother; please tell me. Because I need some help.

COMMENTS

Unknown January 7, 2014 at 11:54 AM

I have been abused by someone in my family and lived in what i call a verbally abusive household with my mother and father at each other's throats. I know that your life and my life are totally different in the circumstances but when it comes to the emotional damages it is the same. You feel the same way I did when i was letting go and you are struggling the same why i did....I can see it in ya eyes. My suggestion to feel better....cry. I know crying is a form of weakness but in my eyes is a release of emotions. It helps me let go of what my body is going through and i mean I cry. Please please don't ever deny yourself the feeling you going through because if you do it will only get worse...I promise you that. I have more advice but not sure if you want it. If you do please email me.

Stay as strong as you can and if it becomes too much...ask for help."

MY REPLY

Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:45 AM

Dear unknown Thank you for your comment. My father taught me to not cry. He said it was a sign of self pity, which he loathed. Now that I am away from him, I don't really cry out of habit, but I allow myself to feel all of my emotions; and yes, sometimes it does come out in the form of tears. I am not afraid of my emotions because though sometimes they can lead us astray, I believe God gave them to us to help navigate and enjoy this existence. Thank you for your input and suggestions, they are a big help. I will email you.

Aziza

Anonymous January 8, 2014 at 8:44 PM

I just read of your story today on another media site, I had to google your name, I wanted to hear your story. Funny I never heard your voice, today I heard you loud and clear. I hear you my sister, I hear you. I am a gang raped survivor, and a fatherless daughter, and I ask my self all the time, why me? I was raped by 2 boys who I thought were my friends when I was 16 years old, today I’m 45 and I still ask why. Aziza you have a purpose, and its bigger than yourself. I know how you feel in more ways than you know. My hand is genuinely extended to you when ever, if ever, I’m here. Mizzjayeg@gmail.com

MY REPLY

Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:53 AM

Thank you luv. I will email you.

Cynthia Orlando January 10, 2014 at 6:39 AM

Dear Aziza,

I too was sexually abuse by my father, and most of my life I thought my self to be a victim of my circumstances..and I told my self I was a survivor but even this is not healing to me..I am more than a survivor , I am a child of God, and this entitles me to miracles. I have being going on a healing process most of my life and I've come to the understanding that feeling like a victim only serves me to keep holding on the the suffering. I have learn through A Course In Miracles ..Who I AM. And this has empower me to create the life that God has intended me to live, and I learned that my function is to forgive myself, the people that I perceived hurt me and forgive the world I see. My pain is real and I honor it . However My suffering is a choice and I finally understood that my power is in the CHOICE I make for myself. I choose Love.

Here is a practice I do to help me let go of all the suffering and embrace my power. Hope it helps you, I do believe Forgiveness is the key to peace of mind. I am on Facebook if you want to be friend me I would be honor I extend my love to you, because i now know we are really ONE.

DO THE WORK

Complete each of the following statements with the first thought that comes to mind.

Today I am struggling to forgive myself for ___________________

Today I am ready to forgive myself for ___________________

I realize if I do not forgive myself I will continue to feel___________________

I forgive myself for thinking ____________

I forgive myself for believing ___________

I forgive myself for feeling _____________

Today, I am willing to forgive myself for ___________________

AFFIRMATION

Today, I commit to walk the path of self-forgiveness in support of my healing, growth and evolution.

I send you Love and Light Cynthia Orlando

Invite/Announcements

Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to prepare to testifying court, etc, etc, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell.

SideBar

I don’t talk much about my personal relationships. Yes I’ve written explicitly in my book about the indiscretions of my ex husband and how that affected me as a young woman. Yes I’ve been openly candid about how being a survivor impacts my interactions with other people. And yes I even pointed out the potential suitors at the time in my life when I wrote the introduction to my book. But believe it or not, I’m actually a private person who keeps my romantic life to myself.

That being said, what contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many suitors and friends recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television. A couple of months prior my car had been towed and I didn’t have the $500 it would take to get it out of impound. So I reached out to some of those who I'd been there for when they were in a bind and all of them either ignored my phone call or put me off! And it wasn’t just interested parties. Family…. same.

So when those who were ignoring me suddenly became interested again after my television appearance, I was so taken a back by the change in behavior, I cut everyone off. And call me petty if you like, but I sent everyone messages that they had been dismissed.

Writing Advise

I think it’s safe to say some of the greatest writers suffered from or was inspired by traumatic experiences that challenged their their mental well being.

James Baldwin wrote the semi-autobiographical novel, Go Tell It On The Mountain to share and cope with his experiences being a young black boy growing up in Jim Crowe America. Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings was about her own experience suffering sexual abuse. F. Scott Fitzgerald was an alcoholic who fell in love with a schizophrenic…Sidebar: I want to note that while it’s been reported that Zelda Fitzgerald was diagnosed with an ‘illness of the mind’ and committed to a mental institution, women were often diagnosed from a perspective of chauvinistic bias and indiscriminately labeled due to a lack of knowledge and a whole lot of presumption. So in my mentioning Mrs. Fitzgerald, I use her as an example of Mr. Fitzgerald’s perspective of her since it is he who had her committed.

My point is, great inspiration often comes out of suffering. Fantastic tales are often sourced from pain. The best stories are never remiss of tragedy. A lot of writers are basically a little crazy or trying to keep themselves from going crazy; Myself included.

I believe that at its essence, creativity is chaos. And as creators, we are maestros of that creative energy, converging, organizing and translating it into something that can be understood by an audience. So is it a wonder that the ability to tap into that creativity reacquires a little bit of insanity?

Nonetheless finding a balance between the toiling of a creator, the alchemy of the created, the normal world and the efficacy of maintaining the line that determines if the entire process enables or is a remedy for the insanity can take it’s toll.

That’s why I recommend allotting time on a daily basis to decompress, center oneself and monitor your mental health.

Along with some of the very insightful suggestions recommended by my readers of my blog post S.O.S...

Meditate: Not only will this help relax you and train your mind, you’ll gain clarity and discover ideas for your work. If you’re religious, I always say, if praying is talking to God, meditating is listening to God.
Exercise: Exercising produces endorphins, the feel good hormones. It also increases blood flow and and facilitates detoxification. I love to box because it gets my adrenaline going kicking other physical defense mechanism into high gear.
Clean your space: Monotonous housework like washing dishes, folding clothes or sweeping the floor can have their own meditative effects. You tend to zone out and your mind relaxes. Often when I hit a roadblock in my projects because I’m just thinking about it too much, I clean the kitchen. Usually by the time I’m done, I’ve cleared all the counters right along with the mental roadblock as well. And the solutions just come to me without me even trying.
Chant. The vibrations created from your own voice is very polarizing to disruptive energy.
Pray. As I mentioned earlier that meditation was listening to God, praying is talking to God. Whatever your faith is. I'm sure you know the drill.
Burn sage. Clearing the energy in your space is a good practice for anyone. Burning sage with intention helps to focus your mind and put your intentions into the universe while dispelling negative energy.
Watch a movie. I know it sounds extreme sophomoric after all the profoundly esoteric advise I shared earlier, but come on. Another person's story is a great distraction from the complications of your own life. As long as you watch for entertainment and not to study character development and editing.

While writing Unashamed a life tainted, as therapeutic as releasing pent up energy through tears was, if I didn’t take breaks I would’ve found myself drifting aimlessly toward an emotional event horizon. That’s why when my daughter passed away, I had to set my work aside. Sure my writing was helping with my trauma pertaining to my childhood. But losing my child who was a result of the that childhood trauma, only exasperated the pain. I instead started a blog about her and it allowed me to compartmentalize aspects of my life by only focusing on my daughter and my experience with her independent of the other traumatic events.

Had I not stepped away from my memoir for a moment, it would have been even more difficult for me to heal after losing her and my book would’ve been more sad than motivating.

I’m well aware of deadlines, goals and creative juices bubbling that you just have to let flow. But remember to take care of yourself. You are a powerful tool, a conduit of sorts. And conduits can’t afford to crack. If you catch my drift.

Outro

Hey you, thank you so much for listening and allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.

If you have any questions feel free to email me at aziza@azizakibibi.com and if you enjoyed what you heard in this episode, do leave a review and I’ll shout you out in a future episode.

I can’t believe there are only two more episodes in this season! Wow. I guess time does fly when you’re having fun. I really enjoy producing this podcast in hopes that my listeners find inspiration, motivation and learn something in the process. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I am honored that my experience can be useful to yours.

Well, that’s all for now. Until next time. Be bless for you are a blessing.

Most Music and effects: Epidemic Sound

Other Music and sounds:

"Sourire à la Vie" - Josephine Baker

"Lean on Me" chanted by attendees at the 50th anniversary of MLK's March on Washington - Aziza Kibibi

Self Published is written, produced, edited and hosted by Aziza Kibibi.

Music by Yomoti, Gunnar Johnson and Arden Frost via Epidemic Sound.

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

EXPLICIT

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 10 Feb 2021 19:00:00 -0500

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about child sexual, psychological and physical abuse based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life.

Yes, this was all part of the publishing process.

Disclaimer : I've had my fair share of accusations and judgments sharing my story publicly and being candid and raw with the things that myself and too many others have survived. If my skin wasn't thick enough, facing comments like "you liked it" and "you deserved it you slut" from cowards hiding behind a username and ambiguous profile picture has definitely added a few more layers. This interview with Damon not only prepared me for writing my book, but it helped me in getting ready to sit on the witness stand against my father.

What you are about to listen to is a continuation of one of the frank, unedited (except for names to protect the identities of family) conversations between myself and Damon Diddit about the experience from a child's perspective being molested by their father.

Listening back I can hear the hesitation in some of my retelling because I was editing myself. As raw and unfitted as what you are listening to is, I was doing my best to save Damon unnecessary discomfort.

But I have learned through my career as an activist that you have to make people uncomfortable to bring attention to the cause. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing.

I hope you can derive something from this podcast that adds value to your life and help you discover your voice. Let me know how it goes.

Transcript*

Intro.

Hey, hey, hey and welcome the third bonus episode of Self Publish. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor.

This bonus episode is a continuation from the interview with my friend Damon Diddit. I cannot stress enough the benefit of reviewing your personal experiences with the help of someone you trust, in preparation for writing a book. As I mentioned before, my books Unashamed a life tainted volume 1 and 2 took 4 years to complete the compilation of over 30 years of memories and experiences and create a literary work that would communicate a specific message in hopes that it enlighten, encourage, educate and inspire.

This part of the conversation between Damon and I candidly explores and describes in explicit detail, topics that may be triggering to some and titillating to others. Please listen with an open mind. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I’d like you to consider how listening in on this private conversation that was not intended to be published, makes your feel. What thoughts does it inspire? Judgments? Criticisms? Compassion? As content creators we should take our audience into consideration. Even more so now having to keep Youtube and Instagram algorithms in mind. I would be honored if you would share your experience listening to this conversation. If you are bold enough, do include your thoughts and feelings in a review on apple Podcasts or Spotify. And if you would prefer more privacy, than please email me your input to aziza@azizakibibi.com

Ok, ok, ok, now lets get into it. Thank you again for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. Please allow me to reintroduce my friend Damon Diddit as he interviews me Aziza Kibibi back in 2012 in preparation for writing my memoir.

Ask/Invite/Announcements

Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell.

Closing.

Whew! That was intense. I'm sure after listening you need a moment to inhale and exhale.

Please explore Damon’s work on his his YouTube channel, Damon Diddit and his instagram. His cinematic projects are breathtaking and entertaining. Links are in the show notes.

Thank you again for listening. Be blessed for you are a blessing.

.Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sexual abuse, incestuous abuse and domestic violence prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

*this is an incomplete transcript which includes the intro and closing copy.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOU CAN LEARN.

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 19:00:00 -0500

In this episode I share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie.

Intro

Hey, hey, hey. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 7.

In this episode I’m going to share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie. Yes, you’ll have to learn to take the good with the bad and get very comfortable with the mindset that there is no such thing as bad publicity.

But first I’d like to make you aware that following me on instagram and facebook will give you access to more ideas and information, as well as some good old fashioned entertainment. And subscribing to my youtube channel and my website adds some cherries and whipped cream to the entire dessert that is Aziza Kibibi. Just saying lol.

Ok, without further ado, please allow me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with…

The Blog post

December 14, 2013

THE POWER OF KNOWLEDGE

I have one more day in my fall semester at Essex County College. I'm anxious about my grade in my most challenging class; French. I also took African American History II, Biology 101 and Cinema appreciation to go towards fulfilling my communications degree. I'm thinking about things like maintaining my grade point average, and what am I going to do after I graduate. There was a time I never thought I'd have concerns like making it to class in the morning, or getting an assignment submitted on time. And here I am a full fledge college student.

I sit in class on some days, distracted by the young adults around me sighing out loud in complaint of the Professor's homework assignment. It was frustrating for the progression of my African American history class to be hindered by students that didn't appreciate the opportunity to get an education. There we were, watching a film on the sacrifices people made to improve the quality of the educational system, and the young people watching were uninterested! I just didn't get it. If they only knew what it was like to want to go to school, and not be allowed to.

My father homeschooled me until I was 11. Before he stopped teaching me, he promised that I would go to high-school. I looked forward to the day I'd walk through school doors and sit in a classroom with other students. Well, while under my father's rule, that day never came. By the time I was 14, my dad banned education among me and my siblings all together. Any teaching I did of my brothers and sisters, I did in secret. I had to worry about my father finding worksheets I created for my sisters to practice their handwriting. I got nervous any time he walked in on them reading a book. So when I watched a film in class on Fredrick Douglass, showing him sneaking around to learn to read, I became overwhelmed with emotion. That film and any others like it themed in slavery, connects to my life growing up on so many levels. Therefore it pains me to see others take the opportunity they have to get an education for granted.

Learning French gave me a better understanding of English. I've seen the inside of a frog up close and personal. I learned that the free school breakfast my kids eat in the morning, is thanks to a man named Heuy P. Newton; and instead of just watching a film, I can't help but analyze the editing, cinematography and Mise-en-Scene.

I didn't get the chance to walk through school doors and sit in a class room with other students until I was 35 years old. And most of the other students are my daughter's age. I may feel a little uncomfortable when one of these kids wants to give me attitude like I'm their peer, because I'm harshly reminded of my seniority over them. I've even had professors 8 years my junior which is a test in humility in itself. But I'm not embarrassed and I'm not ashamed because I'm using my opportunity to get an education for all it's worth. Better late than never, is what I say.

Food for thought (this time it's literal):

In January, 1969, the Free Breakfast for School Children Program was initiated at St. Augustine's Church in Oakland by the Black Panther Party. The Panthers would cook and serve food to the poor inner city youth of the area. Initially run out of a St. Augustine's Church in Oakland, the Program became so popular that by the end of the year, the Panthers set up kitchens in cities across the nation, feeding over 10,000 children every day before they went to school.[1

SideBar

It had been 5 days after the Katie show aired when I wrote that blog post. The day after, I was whisked away at 4am to appear on PIX 11 news. My email, social media and blog inboxes were overflowing with messages that to this day I still haven’t responded to all of them. Sidebar in sidebar: about two years later I found that facebook had folders within your message folder that held messages they screened. Omg, there were so many more offers for interviews that I missed. Whaaaa! Sigh. Oh well.

Where was I? Oh yeah, My inboxes were overflowing with messages, I watched the visitor counter on my blog change in coordination with the seconds on the clock. I think for 2013, you could almost say I went viral. And believe me, all of this was welcomed.

But what I wasn’t prepared for was the attention I got from guys at school. Many too young for me and some that probably violated school policies considering their position.

The semester was nearing it’s end so the inhabitants of the the campus halls started diminishing like leaves on trees during fall in Jersey. I had a couple of class finals left so I was among the remaining students and faculty ushering the semester out. On my way to one of my classes I noticed people staring, pointing and whispering to each other. At first I thought it was in my head then I realized, wait, they must have watched the Katie show.

I was waiting for the elevator when two young men walking by saw me doubled back to instead wait along side me. When we got on the elevator, they both told me they saw me on television. I responded politely, not really wanting to talk with strangers in a confined space, and focused on the blinking numbers above the door. But that didn’t stop one of them from asking me for my number and if I had a boyfriend. Thats only one awkward example. It gets worse.

After being stopped in the halls over the course of the day with thumbs up, hug requests and behests for pictures from men and women of different ages, I’d gotten used to it and was better prepared for the days ahead. But nothing could prepare me for what happened the following day.

Wrapping up their grading for the semester, professors could be found in campus passageways more often than any other time during the semester.

I appreciated the silent nods and smiles of encouragement from much of the faculty as I went about my study day. But one smile didn't stop at the creased lines framing a pair of lips. In fact, belonging to a gentlemen which looked to be in his winter years, one smile stopped me completely and introduced himself as an English professor. He offered to buy me coffee to congratulate me on my poise and presentation on the Katie show. Innocent enough right? My class wasn't for another 20 minutes so I didn't see any reason to decline.

We chatted about my book, how he would help with editing and ideas on getting it published. We exchanged numbers, I agreed to send him my manuscript draft, It was all good and I took my leave to head to my final.

I sent the professor my draft as soon as I got home. Eager to get feedback from someone who seemed well read and actually taught writing, I was more than happy when I got a call from him confirming that he read 4 chapters and would like to meet as soon as possible to discuss further steps. Now here’s where it gets interesting. Instead of meeting at the school like I expected, he asked if we could meet at a diner. Okay I guess. And we met a few days later.

During this “meeting” I learned everything from how this man grew up, to how much money he was getting in social security. Which was really curious to me. Why would he be telling me about his income?

Then he started going on about him being lonely and wanting a companion. I politely listened telling myself to respect my elders. But when I tried to get back on to the subject of my book, the professor evaded the topic like it was a Jehovah’s witness. Next thing I knew this man was telling me how I would be perfect as his girlfriend and I wouldn’t have to have sex very often. I almost spit out my coffee and nearly choked on it calling for the check.

Writing Advise.

At 32 chapters and 418 pages, it’s safe to say my book Unashamed a life tainted volumes 1 and 2 was an ambitious undertaking. And compiling and organizing over 30 years of memories and experiences in a creative presentation took a lot of… well…organizing. I had to come up with ways to track changes, structure the story line and finally construct an ending that made sense.

I can go on about techniques from how to narrow down a subject matter for an essay, to story boarding for a book trailer. And I will throughout continued episodes. Because it’ll definitely take more than one episode to go over all of them.

But for now I have three major tips that are key to organizing a big literary project.

Number 1.

Aside from some obvious basics like turning on auto save in your word processor, most word processors today have the ability to track edits. I used Mac Pages to write my book, and it has a tool that allows you to to go back to previous versions of your document. Whatever you use, become familiar with this tool and make notes in your calendar the days you make a major change. You never know. 2 weeks from now you could realize that your first idea was better.

When my manuscript was at 300 pages and I received some feedback from Todd Komarnicki, the writer of Sully starring Tom Hanks and Perfect Stranger with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, I turned my manuscript inside out. I changed the tense from past to present. I got rid of 2 whole chapters. And I also structured it into volumes which meant I had to write two endings. It was so difficult to keep up with all of these changes. I saved different versions for each major changes and I also had to format my book differently for digital publishing as apposed to print publishing. So, yes there are also different copies for that as well. All these versions on my laptop got kind of confusing.

So tip number 2. Get an external hard drive, thumb drive or memory card and save the different versions on it. You’ll have a backup of the versions before you made major changes, and you wont get yourself mixed up between them and the project you’re working on. This also helps with ideas for repurposing your original work. I share more about how to do that in a future episode.

And finally tip 3:

Computers stop working (knock on wood), hard drives wont mount, and memory cards get lost. Though we all would like to put our faith in these tools without fear or worry, the fact is everything is fallible. Or maybe you aren't in the position to invest in these extra tools or are waiting until it gets shipped to you. Well until then, email your work to yourself. Sure it’s similar to saving it to the cloud, which you can surely do, but emailing it to yourself not only gives you a saved version of your work, its a form of copyright because there’s a time stamp on it.

The moral of the story, you want to avoid the possibility of losing your work literally or to so someone else, and you could very well change your mind about changing your mind. Having backups not only protects you and your work, but being able to look back on how you’ve grown is invaluable to the process.

Outro

Hey you, thank you so much for listening to my shameless journey on becoming a self made author. The fact that the subject matter of my book is not commonly palatable make it a great case study. You can say that it’s extreme position on the spectrum of literary subject matter exasperated many challenges that a writer may face. That business with the professor offering help and trying to get something from I wasn’t willing to give in return is only one crazy example of what I contended with. I still find it curious how my openness about the abuse I suffered evoked the most primal natures of males.

If you have any theories, do let me in on them by shooting me a note on my website or my social media platforms. I’m Aziza Kibibi everywhere and as usual, links are in the show notes.

And in that note, until next time, bel blessed for you are a blessing.

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

Music:

Yomoti, Gunner Johnson and Balm via Epidemic Sounds.

"Funky Suspense" by https://Bensounds.com

A WORD OF APPRECIATION

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 19:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published’s 2nd bonus episode.

I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’d like to use this episode as an opportunity to show my appreciation. My appreciation for you dear listener, for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I mean seriously, there are a lot of podcasts to listen to, television shows to watch, films to enjoy, books to read and you my love, have taken time out of your day to listen to me sharing my shameless journey to becoming a self made author.

I’d also like to share my appreciation for Mark Asquath and the Captivate team for being so supportive and encouraging throughout the process of me creating and publishing this podcast. Captivate is the company where my podcast is hosted. I’d like to share sentiments of appreciation for my offspring/cohabitants for being quiet during the 4 hours I’m locked in my room recording. And though it’s often far and in between, I’m especially appreciative for the moments when my neighbors upstairs take a break from their forever project of trying to crash through my ceiling which happens to also be their floor. I really appreciate that.

I appreciate my mic, my mixer, my computer and all the tools that I’ve been blessed to be able to purchase to produce this podcast. And I’m especially appreciative to my job and my other businesses that help fund this podcast.

But what is appreciation exactly? According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary the definition of appreciation is….a feeling or expression of admiration, approval or gratitude; Judgement, evaluation.

But like many other words in the English language, the word appreciation could mean something different depending on who you talk to.

For me, appreciation is the conscious acknowledgment of the contribution that someone or something has made to your life. And this conscious acknowledgment comes with a feeling, a vibe that then inspires you to manifest or express to the source of that contribution the feeling you feel, hence showing your appreciation.

Unfortunately this apparently doesn’t come easy to everyone. I’m not sure if it’s because people aren’t appreciative or they don’t feel it necessary to show appreciation. But I truly believe that if more people showed others their appreciation of them, there would be less sadness in the world. Let’s face it. No one is on an island alone. And if anyone who is, hello, they didn’t get their by themselves.

Before I continue, lets get into a blogpost I wrote December 09, 2013.

It’s called,

GIVING THANKS

I look forward to the holiday season. I love to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and I revel in the smiles that come after someone opens a gift I gave them for Christmas.

My father stopped us from celebrating holidays some time ago. I don't even remember exactly when, but I remember controversy between my dad and my mom's family surrounding Christmas,

Easter and Kwanzaa every year. When my aunts tried to give me and my siblings Easter baskets, he didn't allow us to except them because he said they purchased them after Easter, when the baskets went on sale. Sometimes I was allowed to keep the toys my extended family gave me for Christmas; that is until my father threw them away before spring the next year.

Well, now that I have my own family, I make sure I make up for lost time.

My first Christmas after I got my children back from foster care, was especially memorable. I couldn't afford a Christmas tree so I bought a spiral "tree" made up of lights from the supermarket.

I spent most of December that year checking the newspaper for community programs that were giving away presents to low income families. I made my way around to four different organization collecting wrapped boxes that said 'boy' or 'girl' so I could make the small space under our vertical light display overflow with boxes with items inside unknown to even me. I was determined to make my children's first Christmas at home with their mother, just like the holiday episodes of popular sitcoms. And I did. The smiles on my children's faces, and the excitement in their voices, made me feel like the best mother in the world.

The effect that their response had on me the first Christmas I created for my family, motivates and will continue to motivate me every year. And yeah I know there was conflict on the first Thanksgiving day, and there's confusion about what day Christ was born on; but the tradition of cooking food, cleaning house, planning outfits, shopping for presents, and decorating a tree, all for the people that are most important to me; well...just makes the logistics about dates and origin seem unimportant. I love to watch my children enjoy the fruits of my labor and I adore when my family wears or uses something that I gave them.

I, pray for the Native American souls that were taken during the first Thanksgiving, just like I acknowledge the celebration of the day that Christ was born. But the most important thing to me is being able to appreciate and celebrate the holidays in my own home (and sometimes at grandmas house) surrounded by my children. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Outro

Many of us live day to day doing things that impact the lives of others in a positive way, but will never know or hear about it. As spiritual beings having a human experience we live on a planet with billions of other people. As much as the most antisocial introvert can claim to not care or need energy, attention or acknowledgment from another human being, it’s simply not how we are designed to thrive. It’s simply not how we are designed to THRIVE. We need the energy of others to function PROPERLY. We crave the confirmation that we matter to someone. We are energy vibrating at different rates and energy has to move, it has to transfer, it has to affect and is effected. Some of us need grand gestures to know they matter and others of us are very content with a thank you. However you do it, show your appreciation to someone that contributed to your life.

I know this episode wasn’t much about publishing. Well not directly. I tell you what. Here’s a little advise on publishing. Remember to show yourself appreciation by reading, watching or listening to your own work and audibly commend yourself on taking the initiative to share yourself with the world. Good job. And if you want to learn more about anything I share here, please follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and there are more links to resources in the show notes. Now on that note,

I’m Aziza Kibibi and until next time, be blessed for your are certainly a blessing.

Most Music and effects: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

MINI EPISODE

Aziza Kibibi — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 00:00:00 -0500

Mini Bonus episode update.

Hey you. I’m Aziza Kibibi and its my shameless journey of being a self made author that I’m so grateful you listen to on my podcast Self Published. Its been a hectic year but we are all pushing through. I have an update to my posting schedule I want to share starting with new episodes will be available on Wednesdays. Also, I’ll be posting episodes biweekly instead of weekly.

One thing I’ve learned as an entrepreneur and content creator, is that very often, quality is more important than quantity. I want to allow myself time to bring you well thought out and produced podcast episodes and I simply cant do that rushing. So, while there will be less episodes in each month, you’ll still be getting the complete season plus bonus episodes! Yay!

In addition, please take a listen to a podcast I was a guest on called Speaking of Crime. It’s a true crime podcast that analyzes different types of crime. They also share resources to crime victims. My interview with Jeff, Jia and John was a powerful experience. Make sure you check it out.

Again, thank you for your support and allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.

Until next time.

Be blessed for you are a blessing.

Speaking of Crime: Featuring Aziza Kibibi- From Victim to Survivor Part 1

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ZE908YWIgTdj1unRuYhTX?si=MvANeikNS9WL-yLQ0WKURQ

Speaking of Crime: Featuring Aziza Kibibi- From Victim to Survivor Part 2

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2DxmKwdlzb8gSZrwaMXOcA?si=k5Jyb0kvQVSMucvy_-9Hng

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

Music by Yomoti via Epidemic Sounds.

BOSSING UP.

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 19:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey. And Welcome, welcome, welcome back to another episode of self published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I would like to humbly thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.

It’s not easy being your own boss. When you have a “superior” there are often consequences for slacking and not getting the job done; theres someone who holds you accountable. A certain amount of discipline is forced out of you because there is somebody to answer to. But, when you are your own boss, the only person to answer to is you. And between being your own worst enemy and your most favorite person; well, if you could conjure an image of what coming and going at the same time looks like, it just may just manifest as standing still. The ability to effectively motivate oneself can be as elusive as your shadow on a cloudy day.

And then throw in life events and friends and family who may not necessarily support you (of course I have some homegrown, fresh brewed tea to share on that later in the show)…we haven’t added the haters and competitors onto the list. It very often feels like you have more reasons to not achieve your goals than you have achieve them.

But you know what, it is not impossible, just stay th… you know what? Lets get into this blog post before I start preaching.

The Blog post

September 5th, 2013

I HAVE A DREAM

August 26, 2013 marked the 50th anniversary of the the day that Martin Luther King and 250,000 Americans, marched on Washington DC for jobs and freedom. Unfortunately do to my limited education, I didn't know much about the original event in 1963. I remember my father repeatedly playing a vinyl record of Dr. Martin Luther King's speech on Lincoln Memorial when I was little. But at that time the significance wasn't explained to me. So prompted by a trip already planned by a friend, I decided to join him and the other anticipated 300,000 people, to see what the historic event was about.

At 4:30 in the morning, myself and 3 others drove almost 5 hours to Washington DC to participate in the reenactment of a peaceful protest headed by one of America's most influential leaders, fifty years ago. My friend brought a painting he created himself titled "I am a Man", to make his own statement among a crowd of many. He received a lot of attention. People took pictures, requested interviews; he even gave a live interview to Fox5 news, as I stood and soaked it all in.

I tried to imagine the strength that it took Dr. MLK to rally and inspire hundreds of thousands of people in an attempt to cause change in a society where African Americans were severely discriminated against. Was his dream so strong that he ignored all the risk and dangers associated with trying to bring it to reality? Was he initially alone in his plan to act? If so what about him personally inspired strength in others to do what he did and speak out for their cause? What about Mr. King made people follow and listen to his ideas enough to get up and out of their homes and put themselves out there? As I pondered these questions I began to feel alone in my own quest for change.

See, my sisters, along with one of my brother's do not want to be associated with anything that I do to raise awareness for child sexual abuse, if it includes my life with my dad. I posted the link to the interview I did for NJ.com on my personal Facebook timeline, and one of my sister's asked me to take it down. I understand and respect their privacy but I can't help but feel alone and in some ways abandoned in carrying this torch that will shine light on this terrible social deviance. On top of that, their position only reminds me of some of the tactics my father used to put fear and doubt in our minds so that we wouldn't fight back against him. When you are surrounded by people that you love and they are against what you believe to be right, it makes you question yourself. To keep us divided, my father planted seeds of doubt and deceit in everyones heads, which made us not trust each other. Unfortunately, weeds of his manipulations remain to this day.

I’ve not seen the long term results of opening myself up to others, but something deep down inside me says it's the right thing to do. So I've taken these gifts God has given me; my writing and story telling abilities, my vivid memories; an innate ability to listen and empathize, my thirst for knowledge, the discipline my father instilled in me, my desire to help those in need, and my ability to talk about hard issues, and I truly believe I'm fulfilling my purpose!

I remember the exact moment I discovered what a lot of us search for in this existence. I was sitting in front of my computer drifting in and out of thoughts on the present, lessons from the past and plans for the future, when a moment of clarity descended upon me. The transformation in my energy from this realization was like the change your reflection undergoes in the mirror after you wipe away the condensation collected from a hot shower you took. Clean and precise. I knew what I was meant to do!

It wasn't cooking, it wasn't opening a restaurant or anything dealing with my passion for food. It was and is, to publish my book and help other women and children any way that I can. The irony is that I already started writing my book years before (up to 25 pages), for therapeutic reasons. But something about that moment in time, whether it was a guardian angel whispering in my ear, or the universe opening up to direct me; that moment fueled what I'm doing here today. And I reflect on it anytime I need some encouragement.

If I had the opportunity to ask him one question, I'd ask Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. what kept him motivated and how did he handle the naysayers? Without coming across bombastic, maybe he had a moment of clarity, like me.

Food for thought:

Some interesting facts about Dr. MLK's March on Washington in 1963.

There was a large military and police presence at the march. The entire D.C. police force was mobilized, along with 500 reserves and 2,500 members of the National Guard.
Only two women, Daisy Bates and Josephine Baker, addressed the crowd that day. At 60, Baker told the crowd, “I am not a young woman now, friends. My life is behind me. There is not too much fire burning inside me. And before it goes out, I want you to use what is left to light the fire in you.” Bates, the architect of the Little Rock school integration and president of the Arkansas NAACP, said,“All the women pledge that we will join hands with you… We will sit in, and we will kneel in, and we will lie in if necessary, until every Negro in America can vote.” (AP Photo)
CBS, NBC and ABC broadcasted live coverage of the program in its entirety. Sixteen-hundred press passes were issued for the march. Extensive coverage helped the march become one of the most widely reported on events of its day.
The official name of the now-famous march was “The March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.”
Scholar, activist and founder of the NAACP, W.E.B. Du Bois, died that morning in Ghana, at the age of 95.
Organizers recruited and trained nearly 2,000 parade marshals, mostly black police officers who belonged to the Guardians Association, a fraternal organization of black police.

COMMENTS

Anonymous

October 21, 2013 at 2:57 PM

It's understandable that your family may not be comfortable yet with disclosing their past trauma publicly. Perhaps in time they will come to feel differently..and perhaps not. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of ignorance out there surrounding sexual abuse and incest not to mention the good ol' everyday issues we face as women, minorities, of a certain socio-economic "class" etc. This often creates and sustains a vicious cycle of shame, isolation, and fear which continues to further victimize the victims. (That is why your voice is so very important!) Everyone deals and heals differently. You and your family has survived something almost inconceivably difficult to many.. That being said; Please don't second guess yourself and your choices over those of others! You are an amazing and inspiring person, Aziza, and your courage in being so open SURELY has touched and will touch many. I will never know exactly what its like to overcome what you have, but I have been close with more than a few women who experienced things very similar to you. Each of them are amazing people, good friends, beautiful women and mothers. I have tried my hardest to be a supportive friend and let them describe their stories on their own terms, and react in a way that makes them feel safe--whether that be to just listen, to help them find counseling, or to promise to keep their secrets til the grave. All but one had kept their past secret from even their own family for decades on end. The relief of even a single friend wiping their tears and loving and supporting them, letting them know they are not alone has been remarkable to me and I feel blessed to have had each of them in my life.

I KNOW for a fact that knowing there are other people out there who understand is a huge thing for many people who suffer alone.. and for that alone you are giving an incredible gift to so many sharing your story.

Keep following your dreams and your heart, Aziza! I'll be looking out for your name in the NYT bestsellers list :) I have a feeling the universe has some pretty great things in store?

Best wishes,

SLH in Oklahoma

AZIZA KIBIBI

October 22, 2013 at 10:45 PM

If you only knew how much your comment means to me SLH in Oklahoma. I take your words as yet another form of conformation that I am doing the right thing. I am sympathetic to my family's position and I do everything I can to respect their wishes. It's just challenging at times to walk the road (seemingly) alone. With that being said, I am so grateful for your encouragement and your acknowledgement. I will continue to do the best that I can to encourage, inspire and help as many people as possible.

You are definitely a blessing to me and your comment couldn't have come at a better time.

Thank you.

SideBar

Remember in Episode 4 I spoke about book cover design? I hired and paid my graphic designer sister to create 3 front cover options, the book spine and the back cover for Unashamed a life tainted, using the photos I commissioned from a photographer friend. I also planned to hire her to do the text layout for the interior once my manuscript was edited. But there was a delay in the editing because my editor was missing in action. I’ll have to save that story for it’s own episode, but trust it was as dramatic as the rest of my life.

Before I appeared on the Katie Show, my sisters were in full support of me publishing my memoir. I called a family meeting to gauge their comfort levels of my laying my life bare for all to see. Though they never requested to read the manuscript, they were all systems go on the condition that I don’t use their real names in the final edit. In my mind, that was automatic; They even picked out their own aliases and I went about finding and replacing their real names in my document, with the titles they settled on in our family meeting.

Things were moving along according to plan. Until… It’d been almost 3 months since I taped the Katie show when it finally aired. My email, social media and blog was overrun with questions, well wishes and appearance requests the day I debut on national television for the first time. My phone rang off the hook with congratulations from friends and acquaintances.

But from my family….there was little more than whispers of judgments and criticisms spread on the leaves of the familial grape vine.

The submittal date of the finished artwork for my book came and went and I hadn’t heard from my sister. I emailed, I called, and I emailed and I called. No answer or response for days. I inquired and I inquired some more and just before I got in my car to knock on her door, I called one more time.

“Hello?” finally! I was relieved but oh so confused. “Hey”.

“Oh hey Z.” She replied nonchalantly. Way too flippant for my taste.

“Uhm, I haven’t heard from you. Whats going on? How far are you along with the back cover.”

“Oh yeah about that. I’m not gonna finish it Z. I’ve decided that I no longer want to be a part of the project. Sorry.”

My heart sank. Now things seemed to be falling apart. My editor missed her deadline and was nowhere to be found, I was already kicking myself for not having my book complete before the Katie show aired, and now my graphic designer was skipping out on me!

Once I pulled myself out of the left field spiral my mind was heading, I asked my sister why. She said she was getting “heat and pressure” from my other sisters about being involved in publishing my book and no longer felt it was the right thing to do.

All I could say was ok and hang up. The news took me for such a loop, I didn’t even think about the fact I paid her in full for the Job until a month later.

Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to prepare to testifying court, etc, etc, please follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and go to AzizaKibibi.com to sign up for my newsletter. You’ll get information on appearances, events, special offers, resources and words of encouragement right to your inbox.

As usual, links are in the show notes.

Writing And Publishing Advice

The Katie show pushed me and my story out to the forefront more than I could have ever imagined. Even before it aired, I was able to use the prospect of the opportunity to gain an audience with the Feminist Press, the writer of an Eddie Murphy film and an Executive from MTV. Though these run ins didn’t pan out to a contract or anything, I received a lot of information and feedback that was very useful in the development of my brand. Which brings me to this point. As close to my heart, mental and spirit my mission is, I cannot deny the business aspect of my delicate situation. I often found myself at a crossroads between personal and professional. And the challenge with my sister was one such crossroad that didn’t even have street names to refer to. The business of business and the business of being your own boss consists of primarily making decisions, living with those decisions, having back up plans if you make the wrong decision and most importantly, learning from those decisions.

My entire journey publishing my book has been a huge lesson. The ups and the downs.

I had to make a decision after my sister told me she wasn't going to finish my book cover and I had to make it fast. After I realized that I wasn’t getting the work I paid her for, I decided that it would cost me more in time and energy to try and get any of my money back then the value of the money itself. And I let it go.

So now I had to find someone to finish the cover of my book therefore I got to yapping. In answering my many messages from complete strangers, I came across quite a few people who were in the media business.

One of them happen to work with my (get this) father and my brother as an intern and was willing to support my work any way he could.

When I shard with him my dilemma with the book cover, he recommended a website called Fiverr.

Fiverr is a platform of independent contractors who do everything from web design to book translations, to voiceovers. The premise is that all gigs start at 5 bucks and it was my saving grace.

After posing questions to a few graphic designers on Fiverr, I settled on one who designed my back book cover, 2 other option for the front cover and the spine of the book for a fraction of a fraction of the cost I paid my sister. And they provided me the same quality of work with much better service and a turnaround time of 4 days. 4 days!

I cannot stress enough the importance of opening your mouth about your project to others. And honestly, people in passing or you’ve only recently met can often give some of the best advice because they aren’t emotionally invested. That’s not to say those around you who care about have little to offer. But you must make the decision to deal with the drama that may come with hiring a family member or your best friend. Just listen to your gut and meditate on some of those difficult decisions. Though it may take some time and honestly, many, many attempts and mistakes, you can and will make your dreams a reality.

Outro

Hey, hey, hey you, you. Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to grace your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope you were able to derive something from this episode. Feel free to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond, and I’d really appreciate your feedback and ratings on this and all of my episodes. I’m a work in progress taking in all I can to progress.

Thanks in advance.

Until next time. Be blessed for your are a blessing.

Most Music and effects: Epidemic Sound

Other Music and sounds:

"Sourire à la Vie" - Josephine Baker

"Lean on Me" chanted by attendees at the 50th anniversary of MLK's March on Washington - Aziza Kibibi

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

NEVER TOO BUSY

Aziza Kibibi — Tue, 10 Nov 2020 19:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to another episode of me telling tales of my shameless journey towards becoming a self made author in the hopes it would help you navigate your publishing journey. This is episode 5 of Self Published ya’ll, and that means we are half way through the season. I know I don’t usually do this, but I want to talk a little bit about this episode.

As I shared in the last episode, I wear many hats. But being a mother is by far my favorite. I am a natural nurturer, and while my life could be used as a poster child for the nature verses nurture argument because I filled the role of a mom to my siblings from a very young age, I know that at the very core of me, even sometimes to a fault, the role of my soul is mothering. That’s just me. It is what it is. That being said, the blog we reminisce on today holds a special place in my publishing journey because it was inspired not only by my experience with my mother, but the challenges that many working moms face juggling career and motherhood.

When you’re a parent, every decision you make affects your offspring one way or another; and even more so as a single parent. Though my kids are essentially along for the ride in many parts of my life, my maternal instinct is to take into consideration how my journey affects them. And that’s when I make sure their wearing their seat belt. “Lol”

Get it, along for the ride? Wearing a seat belt? lol. Oh….(transition from laugh to music”.

The Blog Post.

August 14th 2013

MATERNAL INSTINCT

I love being a mother. I love everything about it. I enjoy being pregnant (after the morning sickness stage). I'm excited about giving birth. I adore breast feeding and I am passionate about raising children. I was given a lot of responsibility at a young age and I am the eldest of a whole lot of siblings, but even before my parents burdened me with the care of my brother's and sisters, I wanted to nurture them before I was old enough to know what the word meant. I brushed my brother's hair when he was a baby (I was two). I begged my mom for opportunities to change my little sister (I was four). And by the time I was nine, for hours my parents would leave me home alone with three children and an infant to take care of. I believe my maternal instinct is God given and not necessarily a conditioned behavior.

On a daily basis I am surrounded by adults in progress; which include my own offspring, and aaaaalllll of their friends. I'm known to them as Mommy or 'Z', and my home is the place to go for advice, fresh cookies, or to take a load off. Z's house is also the only place that some parents on my block will allow their children to stay past their curfew. Now like any other human being, I have my Calgon moments, but I think my affinity towards and high tolerance of young people, is because I didn't really have a childhood of my own.

I remember when I was twelve, I asked my mother if because she and my father got married after I was born, did they only do so because she was pregnant. In my attempt to figure out why my parents treated me the way they did, I found it logical that my conception was the blame. I thought that maybe if I wasn't born, my parents would not have gotten married and none of what me and my siblings went through would have happened. My mother never answered, instead she told me to stop asking stupid questions.

I've long given up that idea, and now my mother answers every question I ask her. Which brings me to the inquiry I posed to her tonight: After all that's happened, what does she feel could have encouraged her to protect her children from her husband? To which she couldn't respond. I told her to think about it and get back to me.

I’ve forgiven my mother. And though she's given excuses like fear and shame for her behavior, I have yet to learn why her maternal instincts didn't kick in.

When she gets back to me, I'll let you know.

Sidebar:

Even after writing 300 pages and processing the feedback I received from friends, professors and potential publishers (More on that in another episode), I felt that my manuscript was far from ready to share with the world. Well, the fates thought otherwise.

One morning when I was pacing my room floor, contemplating my next steps as I often do, my cell phone rang. A new york number displayed itself on my caller id. Now, I feel it necessary to mention that this was way before every Ralph, Isaac and Malcom could buy your cell phone number from the Tom Dicks and Harry’s selling them. So seeing a New York city area code that wasn’t in my contacts definitely had me baffled.

I answered the phone cautiously to a very pleasant and intentioned female voice greeting me “Aziza McGill Ayinde? Is this Aziza Kibibi?” My name rolled off her tongue as if she was a Swahili native who just got off of a plane from a 3 year hiatus in Scotland. “Yes” I said cautiously, “Who’s calling.”

“Hi It’s so nice to talk to you. I’m a producer from Katie Couric’s talk show Katie on ABC, and she learned about your story online. You are very brave to be so open about what happened to you and we think our audience would find you very inspiring. Katie would love to have you on her show.”

Now you want to hear something funny? The only thing I could think of was how this lady could’ve gotten my number. Vignettes and staging swirled through my head like I was blocking acts 1 through 5 of the play that was her search for my phone number. Nevermind that THE Katie Couric, the journalist who I just did a presentation on as a trailblazer for women in journalism in my Communications class wanted to put me on television. I mean, I decided my answer to that question as soon as she ask it. Duh, like yeah. But really though, How’d this lady get my number?

Food For Thought.

Here’s a little food for thought. According to studies conducted by Dr. KATHLEEN COULBORN FALLER, an expert on the research of child sexual abuse, "Mothers who are consciously aware of the sexual victimization of their child and condone or accept it are rare. However, some mothers ignore signs of sexual abuse, for a variety of reasons, or are preoccupied with matters other than their children's well-being."

About Publishing

The best type of promotion is the kind of promotion you don’t have to pay for. During the 2016 US Presidential election, Donald Trump got almost $2 Billion dollars worth of advertising for free through media coverage. Every blog, article, Tweet, Meme, IG and Reddit post published, be it negative or positive, served as promotion for his campaign. And that free promotion is why anyone in the public eye works so hard at keeping themselves relevant.

So how does one who is not a reality tv star running for the highest office in America get in on this free promotion? Do what I did. Make yourself known on platforms that have anything to do with your field of interest and expertise. Comment on blogs and articles that pertain to the topic of your book or business. Reach out to the authors of those blogs to see if they have interest in collaborating or hearing your input. But make sure your social media profiles are populated with posts and information about your projects so that when others want to learn more about the person behind the comments on their favorite blogger’s page, they can get a taste of what you’re working on.

I’ll go into further detail in another episode, but with a little creativity, you can even inject yourself into conversations that don’t directly relate to your topic.

The Katie show was a huge opportunity for me to raise awareness on abuse while promoting my book that had the same goal. Though my book wasn’t complete, the producers of the show published an excerpt of the manuscript on Katie Couric’s website, and I published a crowdfunding campaign to help pay for professional editing in hopes the exposure would garner donations. At this point I was still focused on getting the attention of a traditional publisher and I thought the more polished my manuscript was, the more appealing it would be.

Though Simon and Schuster didn’t come knocking on my door, I raised almost $2000 dollars to help pay for editing while creating a buzz for my impending memoir.

Now I realize that my story isn’t your everyday “I was born, I grew up, I became” type of story, but the lesson I learned and am sharing with you now is to utilize as many outlets as you have access to. Essentially you’re a playing a numbers game.

When I was in network marketing (yes, I tried everything, Mary Kay, Prepaid Legal and Primerica) one thing rang true through all the high fives and cold call parties was that only 10% of those who you expose your business or product to will take interest. And out of that 10%, 10% will buy. Now there are exceptions to every rule, but the moral of the story is get your stuff seen by as many people as possible.

And until you have the funds to pay for promotion, do at least two things. Get creative and be open to possibilities because that will help you create opportunities.

Outro

Hey you. Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I just want to remind you if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to please Follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube channel for an even different perspective of my shameless journey as a self made author. Feel free to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond. And remember to check the show notes for other resources and a code made especially for my listeners that will give you a discount off of my book Unashamed a life tainted volumes 1 and 2. Well, thats all for now. Until next time. Be blessed for your are a blessing.

Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

MANY HATS.

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 19:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the 4th episode of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I want to thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with tales of my shameless journey of being a self made author.

It’s not been an easy journey to say the least. With little guidance on how to actually publish a book, I went through a lot of trial and error. But some would argue that’s the best way to learn. Nonetheless, my hope is that this podcast will help navigate you during your publishing journey. And if you aren’t particularly interested in sharing your stories, then I’ll be satisfied with satisfying your curiosity. Now with out further ado….. lets do this.

The Blog Post

August 7th, 2013

JACK OF MANY TRADES. MASTER OF SOME.

I write poetry you know. I'm also a chef. I know how to sheetrock rooms, paint and wallpaper, lay tile and carpet floors. I can sew, knit, crochet, build walls, and grow everything needed for a gourmet meal; I even know a thing or two about running electric wiring and plumbing, and most of these things I learned at my father's encouragement and coercions.

In every cloud there is a silver lining and even among the abuse and torture I grew up with, I know a lot of things others don't because my father made me learn them. Like most children do for their parents, I wanted to make mine proud. Though my father did everything he could to break my will, that didn't change the fact that him and my mother were the only two people that validated me. Sure we were punished when the dishes weren't clean enough or our beds weren't made on time, but I went out of my way to do more than my parents required. And with my eagerness to succeed, my parents loaded on the responsibility. There were times when I felt lost and defeated, but my relationship with God and my determination to go on, served me like the last drop of fuel that gets your car to the gas station just before it shuts off.

I've birthed five children. Four for my father and one for my ex husband, and they challenge me on a regular basis. I do my best to apply the things that I find are positive from the way my parents raised me, in my own childrearing. Things like thinking outside of the box, reading the dictionary and learning how everything works. But sometimes it can be difficult deciphering what methods were genuinely beneficial to me and my siblings' development, and what was meant as a tool of control. For instance: I was raised vegetarian because my dad taught us that ingesting meat was harmful to the human body. Now that I've done my own research I have found evidence that supports a diet free of animal flesh or at least it's use in moderation. But I can't help but wonder if the real reason my father limited mine and my siblings diets, was to keep us weak. Though there was animal products in the house such as milk and cheese, they were reserved mostly for my father's consumption, and when we were allowed to have a cheese sandwich, you could count the shreds on the roll.

My dad taught us that a child's role in a family was to serve the parents, and that we did in so many ways. As a single mom I require my children to help in household chores, keep their rooms tidy and do their homework, but in the back of my mind I'm aware that I may be lenient on them because I'm trying to stay away from my father's philosophy. I see my children as gifts of opportunity and an investment in the future. Not slaves tied to me biologically meant to wait on me hand and foot.

Two of my children have inborn errors. My 16 year old has Phenylketonuria (PKU), and my 9 year old had both PKU and Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). Incest doesn't cause deformities in the sense that if two family

members have a baby it will be a two headed monster, but it does increase the possibility of a child born out of incest inheriting genetic weaknesses (if you carry the gene to birth a two headed monster...u get the point). In my case PKU and SMA are recessive genetic deformities where both parents have to be the carrier of the gene to pass the disease on to the offspring. Since my father (who carried the genes) impregnated me- a direct relative- the chances that I would be a carrier as well was 1 in 4; which happens to be the same chances that we had in creating a child with the disease.

All of this could serve as constant reminders of the dark parts of my life, but the reality is, there are other people that were not raped and taken advantage of by a family member that have children with the same challenges mine have. My reasoning is that me and my children aren't that different from others out there, making me feel less alone. And compared to the abandon that I felt when I was a child, less alone is all the company I could wish for.

My foundation is crooked, cracked, twisted and full of holes. But with the right amount of mortar mixed in the fitting consistency, layered with the appropriately shaped bricks, I know my skyscraper will touch stars that haven't been discovered yet (I can to lay brick too. Lol!).

Food for thought:

The Child MolestationPrevention Study (Abel and Harlow 2001) states that the effects of child molestation can result in suicide due to overwhelming feelings of guilt and confusion (I remember those days), causing a child to become harmful to themselves. Other consequences which are carried into adulthood include, severe depression (been there, done that), sexual problems, promiscuity, multiple personality disorder, physical illness (check), asthma (got it), immune system complications (hmmm?) and drug and alcohol abuse.

For resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains your’e not alone, its ok to tell.

Sidebar:

I passed one of my early drafts of Unashamed a life tainted on to a friend of mine who is a filmmaker. He then passed it on to people in his circle for feedback; mostly women. I must say, I wasn’t prepared for the reaction. Rather than provide input on my writing, story development or character arc, most comments criticized and judged my life choices. Comments on my responses and reactions as a child were honestly, very mean. One person even said I must have liked the abuse because (according to the pages they read) I didn’t have a “fight or flight” response to my situation. Oh well. You can’t please everyone.

About Publishing:

Remember in the last episode I mentioned that the newspaper article I interviewed for led to an appearance on a nationally syndicated television show? Well I’m not going to talk about that here.

Here I’m going to share with you information on book cover design, logos, book layout and branding.

But before I get into that I want to continue to encourage future and current publishers and entrepreneurs to take any and every opportunity to promote yourself and your work. You’re going to feel silly at first standing on line at a grocery store trying to figure out a way to strike up conversation with the person in front of you about your YouTube channel or editing service you just started. But you have to fight that feeling and just do it; even if it’s just to practice for the day that you get a few minutes in front of a major network talkshow producer.

While antithetically, I am an advocate for making your major moves in life covertly, that is just to protect you from the haters. People love to direct their negative energy onto those that are doing big things. But in arenas outside of your immediate circle, you have to speak up because they are essentially your audience. A fan, subscriber or a customer won’t know about what you have to offer unless you tell them. And those who have opportunities available to further your agenda fall into that category; and they can be anywhere. I’ll go into detail about my own techniques in another episode. I just want you to start getting used to the idea of not sitting quietly in the back of the classroom.

Now lets return to my book cover. I knew I wanted my book cover to be representative of my introduction to the world. I went on Amazon and looked at the covers of hundreds of memoirs and books on personal stories surviving abuse. I saw so many thumbnails of a child’s crying eyes, broken glass, and cracked concrete that I wanted to cry, break some glass and go and repair the cracked concrete on my sidewalk. It was crazy.

I knew I didn’t want my book cover to look like what was already out there. So I called a friend who happened to be the son of the late great musician, George Benson, and we got to snapping pictures for which I commissioned my graphic artist sister to use to create 3 book covers, a book spine and the back cover design.

Designing your own book cover can be challenging because when creating your own work, everything is subjective. But your book cover is the first thing that’s presented to the world about what is potentially inside. Stay tuned for why I say potentially.

Your cover must catch the attention of eyes that are distracted by thousands of other book covers. It must also convey a message from the book which can be tricky since you don’t want to give too much away. This is why I said “potentially” earlier. You know the old saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”? In my opinion, book covers are the worlds first version of click bate. Outside of children’s books, graphic novels and any other literary work that is primarily made up of illustrations, book covers can be very misleading and sometimes for good reason. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison is a fiction work about a young dark skinned black girl during Jim Crow Era who wished for white skin and blue eyes, had prostitutes for friends, bullied the neighborhood white girl out of jealousy for her entitlement, and was eventually raped by her father. That book was banned in various states, passed along through different publishers and had more cover designs than I’ve been able to count. But the most commonly found version is a silver blue jacket with the words “The Bluest Eye” in script; a complete contrast to the story contained inside the pages. But, if you google the bluest eye being banned, image results of the cover show a version with a penned illustration of a very dark girl with piercing blue eyes, crouching in a perceived corner, meek and afraid looking back at you.

For a memoir it seems fitting to put the face of the person who the book is about on the cover, but if it isn’t a face easily recognized then a face could work against you. So I took to researching peer reviewed articles on the subject based on demographics and culture, and created polls to help me decide.

After concluding that I would put my face on the cover, taking 3 cover versions my sister created, I polled again both male and female audiences to see what emotions were invoked on seeing my book cover, and which would they choose to explore in a book store. I also polled what they would think the book was about based on the cover only.

After compiling all of that information, I made the decision to publish my book as a 2 volume ebook using two versions of the cover. I continued to gather public reactions to those covers and finally decided on the cover that is used on the print book today.

The moral of the story, don’t be afraid to try and try again and try again and again. At the very least, you’ll learn a lot in the process.

Hey you. Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope you were able to derive something from this episode. Feel free to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond, and I’d really appreciate your feedback and ratings on this and all of my episodes. I’m a work in progress taking in all I can to progress.

I just want to remind you if you want to learn more about anything I share here from resources and inspiration, to how to prepare to testifying court, and please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube channel. Everything is Aziza Kibibi. I also have a special coupon code for my listeners if you are interested in buying my book. Just use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS for 11% off of Unashamed a life tainted, at bookbaby .com. You can find the link in the show notes.

Thanks in advance and Until next time. Be blessed for your are a blessing.

Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

Damon Diddit 1

Aziza Kibibi — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 19:00:00 -0500

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about pedophilia and homosexuality based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life as it pertains to the "original plan" and purpose of humans.

Yes, this was all part of the publishing process.

Disclaimer (so there is no misunderstanding): I love all people no matter race, sexual orientation, gender choice, age or different abilities. As long as you are a consenting adult, who you are intimate with is your business and should not dictate how you are treated as a human.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I believe souls have no gender. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing.

Transcript*

Intro.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, to Self Published’s first bonus episode! I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor.

Whenever someone asks advice for writing their own story I recommend that they record themselves being interviewed by someone on the topic of their future book. My book Unashamed: a life tainted, took 4 years to write. I had to compile and organize over 30 years of memories and experiences, and then edit that down into a literary work that would communicate a specific message. No easy feat I tell you. But sitting down and talking through my thoughts and feelings of my life with someone helped a great deal. It even assisted with establishing an arc to my story. What you’re about to listen to is a piece of recording where a friend of mine interviewed me about some of the things that happened in my life. Please listen with an open mind and be warned, some of the topics we explore in this conversation may make you uncomfortable. We did not make this recording for public consumption. There are opinions explored, thesis’ analyzed and feelings addressed that through personal growth may or may not have changed; which reminds me to say, this recording is from 2012.

Now, as usual I want to thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.

Closing.

That was just a sample of over 12 hours of recordings which was instrumental in writing my memoir. Please explore Damon’s work on his his YouTube channel, Damon Diddit and his instagram. His cinematic projects are breathtaking and entertaining. Links are in the show notes.

Thank you again for listening. Be blessed for you are a blessing.

Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

*this is an incomplete transcript which includes the intro and closing copy.

MOMMY DEAREST.

Aziza Kibibi — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 19:28:00 -0500

A mother plays a huge role in her daughter's development. But some mothers really know how to sabotage and many may think they don't deserve the title of "mother".

Also, the importance of self promotion as an independent author verses one signed to a publisher.

Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources and connects to start your own podcast, publish your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2. There are also links to interesting articles and information about the topics discussed in this episode.

Thank you so much and please enjoy.

Transcript

Hey, hey, hey and welcome welcome to episode 3 of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this podcast is my shameless journey of being a self made author.

Thanks in advance for listening to the show, and for subscribing to stay in the know for when I publish bonus episodes. Oh what? I didn’t tell tell you? Yes mi amore there will be surprise bonus episodes that are totally connected but may, just may include a couple of friends and family of mine. Ha hah, isn’t it keen to get more than you expected?

So make sure you reach out and touch me virtually through my social media for those announcements as well as free book and merch giveaways.

As always resources and details are in the show notes. And on that note, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. lets get it started in huh, lets get it started in here. Just a little nod to the Black Eyed Peas.

The blog post

August 1st 2013

MOMMY DEAREST (original title).

Aww man! The last few days have been liberating, motivating, inspiring, challenging and scary all at once. I read the articles posted about my father's sentencing and amidst the inaccuracies, paraphrases, truths and opinions, the thing that stands out the most to me are comments from people about my mother. I guess where contrary to my father's position in my life, my mother is still very active and present. We talk every day; she always calls me for advice. We shop together, I wash my clothes at her house, she has a relationship with her grandchildren, and we go to church together. So to have the public (and some friends) condemn her along with my father (though I know they do this out of concern), almost makes me question my own interaction with the woman that brought me into this world.

No, she did not protect me or my siblings from the man she chose to marry. Yes, her actions were selfish and unacceptable. No, I in no way condone her behavior. And definitely, it's a direct reflection on her ability to parent; yet I still forgive her. I am not responsible for her path in this life, so I take no responsibility. I maintain a relationship with my mom because I know she is regretful, and remorseful and does her best to atone. It took me a while to get to this place within myself; to let go of the past and focus on our present relationship, and sometimes I even find myself regressing; but, I tell you it's liberating and freeing as heaven to know that it's all under my control.

Emotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not? But if I walked around still angry and hurt I may not be able to function. And as for my mother; when I was younger and I acted out towards her because I didn't know how to process what was happening to me, she didn't care. She punished me for "talking back", "being feisty" or expressing emotion, as she busied herself trying to please her husband. If I dwelled on those and the other mean and irresponsible things she did, I would still be mentally existing in that period. I'd still be thinking about the 'what if's', and 'could have beens', hindering my personal progression.

And here lies the key. I can talk about my experiences, and write about my challenges because my heart is no longer in the time where my suffering took place; I am no longer there. I acknowledge the pain I felt and the confusion I suffered, but I've moved and continue to move passed them. I'm not afraid to look back, because I can truly appreciate that, that was then and this is now. I am no longer a victim plain and simple.

My mom and I have very candid conversations about the past; things she did wrong and why she did them. I tell her all the time she is the perfect example of what NOT to do. What I feel lacked in our relationship, I make sure to include in my relationship with my own daughters. The way my mother surrendered herself to her love for my father, I am conscious to not do that with any man. And the blind faith she followed him with, I reserve only for God.

Comments

Unknown August 3, 2013 at 9:17 PM

Hi Z what I used to call u as a child. I don't know if you remember me you use to call me Auntie Deborah and I am your Godmother. I am so sorry for what you and your sisters went through. You are the epitome of strength. I think of you often and wished I could be in contact with you and your mom. I tried several times asking members of your family to give your mom my number and tell her to contact me but have not gotten a response. If this reply gets to u please give me a call Im listed in phone book.

My Reply August 9, 2013 at 9:01 AM

Hello Deborah (I may be a little old to call you Aunty lol). I remember you. How are you? How's Rodney? I will try to contact you soon and I already let mommy know that you left a comment on my blog. Thank you for reaching out.

Her response August 9, 2013

Thank u Z for replying Rodney's doing well he lives in S.C. He has 2 son's Jabriel who is 20 ur mom met him, a daughter Daja who is 17 and son Jordan who is a yr old, and a grandson Jabriel Jr. I would love to see all u guys. Im going through a rough time now my mom is very ill at 98 we are all praying that she bounces back asking for his mercy stay well and bless. PS your never to old to call me Auntie lol

Sidebar

Here’s some food for thought. Some doctors believe that pedophilia is a condition. They suspect that to be aroused by a child is a sexual orientation that establishes itself during puberty and If caught early in life it can be treated. It is also found mostly in men and rarely in women.

I have my own reservations on this theory. I don't like giving people that have the gift of choice, an excuse of having no control. But that's just me. Either way, I truly believe in most cases, it is the mother's responsibility to protect her offspring. But not all mother's have that natural ability, and those that do still need help. I have read many books on parenting but I've yet to find one with a chapter on 'how to protect your child from sexual exploitation' and/or 'what to do if this happens to your precious one'.

I hope that through all of my experiences good and bad, and by continuing to use my mom as a model of 'what not to do', I will be able to write those chapters myself.

About Publishing

Many assume that if you publish with a traditional publishing house they do all the work. In all my research I’ve learned this isn’t true. It may appear that this huge media machine just picked up a writer from off the street, gave them some money and threw hundreds of thousands of dollars into marketing to make said author a New York Times best seller. Well, NOT!

Publishers and literary agents take on those who are either easy to market, for example a celebrity, sports star or well known politician, or someone who already has an audience in some way, like social media followers. And even once the author is signed, said author must keep themselves relevant and do (or pay someone to do our of their own pocket) a lot of the foot work. As a self published author, or any type of entrepreneur, you have to self promote anyway. And nowadays if you have a little cash to spare, you can rent a billboard or buy google ads. I happen to unintentionally get myself some free promotion.

I hadn’t even finished writing my book yet and I didn’t know that this would have a direct affect on my public personal, but after my father’s sentencing a reporter asked for a statement. My sisters who attended the sentencing encouraged me to talk to the reporter and I did. But that reporter and so many others confused many of the details of who my father was, how many children he had, who was who etc. And honestly there were just a lot of misconceptions on survivors of abuse, children born of incest and the prevalence of child molestation. So I took it upon myself to read every article published and post in the comments corrections of misinformation. What I didn’t know was how much attention this seemingly simply act would garner.

Well, one of my corrections got a response from the journalist of the article, and he asked if he could interview me exclusively.

Self promotion is imperative to anyone in business. In many ways I still struggle with this myself but if I hadn’t opened my mouth (or tapped my fingers) who knows where I’d be today. That article, along with my continued activity on other blogs and articles let to an amazing opportunity on a national syndicated television show called….Naw, I tell you about that another time.

Hey you.

Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope you were able to derive something from this episode. As always you are welcome to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond. Next week I’ll be talking about book cover design, branding and how many versions of my book cover I ended up with; it was definitely a process so make sure you tune in.

Well, thats all for now. Until next time. Be blessed for you are a blessing.

Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

SIGNS.

Aziza Kibibi — Mon, 21 Sep 2020 23:00:00 -0500

Hey there and welcome to episode 2 of Self Published!

Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources I mentioned in the show as well as great connects to start your own podcast, publishing your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2.

Thank you so much and please enjoy.

Transcript

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode2! Whoo hoo!

Remember to follow me on…you know what? Nevermind all that. I’m too excited. Lets just get right into it.

The Blog Post.

July 25, 2013

NOTHING HAPPENS BY CHANCE.

This week has been extremely busy. Monday I went to court to fight some unfair traffic tickets; which the prosecutor recommended that the judge dismiss after he walked in on my guilty with explanation plea. Yesterday I went to New York city to see a lawyer at Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts about some legal questions for my book. And tomorrow is the day my father receives his punishment for the crimes he committed against me

Throughout today my stomach would tense up at the thought of me facing my father tomorrow. See, I will have the opportunity to address him, and the court about how what he's done has affected my life. I've been scripting statements in my head since the moment the prosecutor told me he was found guilty of all charges four months ago; and every time I come up with something to say, I forget my monologue faster than it took me to formulate it. You would think I would just sit and write it down, but for some reason I'm afraid to. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why it scares me to write out what I want to communicate, and even here I can't translate my feelings into words.

I know I don't want to go into court and read pre written text. But that's not why I won't even jot an outline of my thoughts down. It doesn't make sense to speak off the top of my head. Words directed at my father have not passed through my lips for over eight years! Can you imagine what could possibly come spewing out. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I know that once I start writing, it'll probably take the apocalypse to break my literary trance. And once that happens, I'd be editing, and re-writing and changing and thesaurusizing (thesurusizing; verb. To put different words into a thesaurus repeatedly. I made that one up.) words until...well....until!

There's just so much I have to say; so much I want to ask. There is so much I want to know and plenty I want him to know. But what if these things aren't correct in the courts eyes? For instance, though I've suffered horrifically at the hands of my father, I forgive him. Of course he has to suffer the consequences of his actions, but I want him to know that I forgive him for the pain he inflicted on me and the confusion he's caused. I want him to know that I forgive him for my children not growing up with a father in their life; because if he wasn't their father and I had the opportunity to fall in love and get married and have a husband to help me bring them into this world, there would be somebody they could call daddy. I want him to know I forgive him for the diseases that some of my children have, that probably would not exist if he wasn't their father as well as mine. And I want him to know I forgive him for beating me and, raping me and for making me question for years, what did I do wrong. I want my father to know that I have forgiven him because I need him to know that he doesn't have control over any aspect of my life anymore.

When I went to the city yesterday the appointment the intern at the VLA gave me, was two hours earlier than my actual scheduled meeting time. To make use of the extra two hours I had in the city, I decided to get on the subway and pick up some spectacles that I ordered for school. Just as I was about to swipe my metro card a man stopped me and began telling me things about myself that he possibly couldn't have known. Without me saying a word he told me I was working on a project, I was in school, and I lost my job last year. Though I believe in some spiritual phenomenon, I know there are people out their passing themselves off as anointed to make a buck, so I looked at myself to see if I had any obvious markers to give away the info he was privy too. There was nothing that I could tell. He even told me about my knee injury and I certainly don't have a limp.

After a few minutes he pulled out a piece of paper and quickly wrote on it. He then balled it up as small as he could and put it in my hand. I held the paper for the forty minutes we spent walking around Madison avenue talking. He spoke about the baby that I lost and my daughter that died without me mentioning anything. Eventually, he tried to convince me to give him money to "break evil spells" and "give me good luck". After I declined he asked me my age, my mother's name, the name of the man I was in love with and three personal wishes; which I shared with him. I ended up giving him a donation for his time, thanked him for his conversation and politely excused myself. But before I left he reminded me I had to open the paper he gave me when we first met. When I did, the same information that I told him about my mother, my age, my wishes and the man that I'm in love with was written on the paper he gave me after I barely said hello to him almost an hour earlier.

After my diversion with the stranger who seemed to know me personally, I got to my meeting right on time. The lawyer at the VLA suggested that I make some changes to my manuscript to save me some legal headache. I wanted to say; look lady, after you've been through what I've been through, and experienced some of the things I've experienced, taking some risk of my own free will is as fun as getting on a roller coaster. But instead I thanked her for the help and let her know I will take her advice under consideration.

My encounter with the man before my meeting got me thinking about being in the right place at the right time, and whether or not things happen by chance. After my father's sentencing being postponed twice, My mom won't be their tomorrow because she's on a cruise. My cousin who's attended every day of the trial I've testified, is indisposed. My sister who always gets off early on Fridays is scheduled to work late tomorrow. Just like me being in the city two hours early and crossing paths with a complete stranger (even if it was only to interestingly kill time), I know God is setting things up just how they're suppose to be. And I'm curious as heaven what he has in store for tomorrow.

SideBar

I pray that your life is free of any and all circumstances that would lead you to attend someones sentencing. Whether you are the victim, a supporter, or a family member of the judged and convicted, the business of the ordeal is grim and heart-wrenching.

The humanity inside of me was triggered as I watched my father and the father of my children, as bruised and battered as he’s often left me, shackled behind a bench swaying from left to right holding a blank paper in front of his face.

Even with the months of writing instruction I’d been receiving in school and practice from years of penning my story in my memoir, I was devoid of the ability to put pen to paper for this integral moment in time.

I instead, with fear of continued judgement from those around me, spoke from my soul, sharing with my used to be mental and physical captor standing only feet away from me that my daughter died. That like so many other of his lies, that he was false in his accusation of my “evil spirit” being the cause of her inability to walk. I told him how his deviant desires negatively impacted so many. And though the love of his first daughter had dissipated many years ago, I had forgiven him and assured him that in my eyes, whatever the punishments the judge decided was of his own making and of God’s will.

Invite and Announcements

Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to prepare to testifying court, etc, etc, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my YouTube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell.

Writing Advise - Legalities

I knew the brevity of my memoir could come with legal repercussions. Especially with my frank, explicit description of the events in my life. I have no filter in my writing and my father worked with some very famous people throughout his career. They may not appreciate being associated to my story publicly.

I couldn’t afford a private lawyer but one of my professors recommended an organization called the Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts. A nonprofit organization comprised of lawyers who help “starving artists.”

You have to purchase a membership and are only allotted a certain amount of appointments per year. But they do have what they call “clinic” where its like an open call and they help groups of artist in short stints throughout the day. I’m sure there have been adjustments made to their operations since COVID19, but they are a great resource.

The nearest VLA to me was in NY, but check the show notes for links to VLA’s in your area. And make sure to get my book to see if I took my lawyers advice.

Thanks in advance.

Until next time. Be blessed for your are a blessing.

Music: Epidemic Sound

Resources and Offers

National Volunteer Lawyers For the Arts: https://vlaa.org/get-help/other-vlas/

Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org

Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.

Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages

Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

QUERY.

Aziza Kibibi — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 19:00:00 -0500

Hey, hey, hey everyone and welcome to the first episode of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist on the protections of women and children, a chef, media personality, a mom and a survivor.

Along with a narrative from my blog Unashamed an open book, some of the things you can expect from this podcast are comments and questions from readers and fans, sidebars of drama from behind the scenes, and tips and advice on self publishing your own stories whether it be as a book, a podcast, a public speaker and some of the many other ways you want to make yourself public to the world.

Links to resources will be in the show notes and be sure to subscribe for notifications on future episodes. Oh, and one more thing; make sure to follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my YouTube page for inspiring and informational videos on preventing and healing from abuse.

So now without further ado, thank you for allowing me to grace your eardrums and penetrate your mind; lets do this Brutus.

The post

DEAR READER

So I finished writing the manuscript to my memoir! It's 35 years in the making and 3 years in the writing. Now I'm on to the next phase; publication.

For those that don't know me my name is Aziza Kibibi. Most people think I'm from another country but I am a born and bred Jersey girl!

I think the best way to introduce myself and explain why I decided to share a memoir with the world is to include a version of the query letter I've been sending out to literary agents.

But before I do that let me formally introduce you to the theme of this blog.

While I go though the traditional steps of book publishing (which is a long tedious process that takes lots of patience) I will also be moving forward with publishing my book myself. I will share with you on a weekly basis, my trials and triumphs through both these processes as well as events and reflections of my everyday life.

You can kinda consider this reality television in print. My life has never been what most people call normal, and with an unusual foundation, the building turns out pretty...well...unusual.

With that being said, here is my query letter.

##########################

Dear Literary Agent.

Meet Aziza. She’s a hard working single mom of five beautiful children that she is very proud of. Most men describe her as mysterious, free spirited and charming. Most woman find her confident, smart and witty. But little do they know, is that from ten years old, Aziza was raised as her father’s sex slave. Oh, and the first four of her five children, are also her brother and sisters

This book is the true story of my life. Beginning in what was the present at the time I started writing, it follows the hospitalization of my fourth child by my father who is physically disabled which was also during the criminal case brought against my father by me and my sisters. My memoir is the tale of how surviving my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood, has shaped me into the woman I am today.I am the eldest of 9 children by my mother, and including my children whom he fathered, the eldest of over twenty-five by my dad. Using events from the present as a vehicle, the history of my life unfolds beginning with the birth of my third child by my father. I describe how my father delivered my children at home, save for one who I gave birth to on a campsite in Florida. I take the reader on a journey through my sheltered life in a polygamous family where I was home schooled, molested, beaten and trained to satisfy my father’s every sexual desire, to how I coped with my husband cheating on me (with one of my sisters) which led to our divorce.

I describe how while growing up I watched my father turn from a loving, talented respected member of the community, into the abusive monster that God spared my own children from growing up with. Via my transition through adolescence the reader witnesses my failed attempts at protecting my younger siblings from the fate I had befallen; my father’s video directing career where we interacted with hip-hop royalty from the 90s such as Queen Latifah, YOMTV Raps Legend Fab 5 Freddy, Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean of the music group The Fugees, and the events that led to the discovery of our family secret. In my adulthood I share the excitement of my romantic relationships, the challenges that come with being a single mother, and how I lived through the death of one of my daughters. I also address what it’s like to be in a family that’s on a never ending road to recovering from the dictatorship of my father, and how I was able to forgive my mother for not protecting us from her husband.At 113,554 words, UNASHAMED is a tale of tragedy, growth, resilience, survival, faith and forgiveness.

My portion of the trial against my father is currently in court. I had to graphically testify to his sexual exploitation of me as a child and young adult. He has been found guilty of all charges and faces fifty years of imprisonment. Sentencing is scheduled July 26th 2013.

I want to share my story with the public because I feel I have a moral responsibility to other men, women and children that may be affected by child molestation and incest (both victims and victimizers). I have not repressed the torture that my father inflicted on me, yet I function normally in life, love and relationships. Despite my limited homeschooled education, I am currently an A student, pursuing my associates in communications (my first classroom experience), and have won three Woman’s Opportunity awards from Soroptamist International for my writing. I also published a blog journaling my grievance and acceptance of my daughter’s death.

Thank you for your time, and I looking forward to hearing from you.

Let me know what you think about my query. This is a platform for communication. I welcome any advice and I will answer all questions to the best of my ability. If you are willing to share a story of your own, I embrace you with open arms. I've spent most of my life in secrecy, deception and darkness. Believe you me, I am enjoying everything the light has to offer.

Let's do this!

COMMENTS

Anonymous July 30, 2013 at 11:23 AM

Dear Aziza,

How do you do it? How do you get up everyday and get on with life? You are very brave and courageous to tell your story. It's difficult reading about the things you've endured and yet you're able to live life and not allow yourself to wallow in self pity. There are people who have endure far less than you and wouldn't dare share their stories due to their own personal reasons. I'm really at a loss for words but you are a true inspiration and I have no doubt you're helping many, many people by sharing your story.

Much success and greatness to you and your family

aziza kibibi July 30, 2013 at 12:30 PM

Hello Anonymous.

I will answer your questions in the order you asked.

1. One step at a time. I don't focus on the past and though I have many reminders of what happened to me (children, financial issues-my dad used my credit when I was younger- some of my children have medical challenges, etc.)

I handle them independently from my abuse. And though I have faith, i don't impose expectations beyond my own ability to make shit happen.

2. I am no longer suffering, so I am thankful for every day I have the opportunity to make my own choices and affect my destiny. In my eyes, every day is full of so many possibilities, so it would be a waste spending time licking my wounds.

I thank you for your own bravery in communicating your thoughts and feelings. Your words are very encouraging and it warms my heart to know there are people like yourself who care in the way you do.

Be blessed.

Sidebar:

Now, If serendipity is on your side, and the Orisha are working in your favor, you may have direct contact to an editor who works for a major publishing house. This is where networking and social equity comes in.

Ironically enough I actually did. My ex husband was dating an editor for one of the largest publishing houses in the world. I sent her my query letter and my manuscript.

She read it…or so she led me to believe. And after a week or so she even got back to me with terms and conditions. They are as follows.

Aziza, your writing is passionate and inspiring. And your story is amazing.

I would love to represent you in becoming a

(insert one of the biggest publishing houses in the world who’s name is akin to a bird here) ,

published author… that is…. if you can convince your ex-husband to come back to me.

(insert screech noise here).

Wait, what?!

Ok, hold up. So my literary future is dependent on the rekindling of my ex-husband’s relationship that I didn’t even know was over?

I called my ex and said “You owe me. you’re gonna have to take one for the team.”

Insider tips - resource query letter

The intention of a query letter is to introduce yourself and your book idea to a literary agent.

In the past you would send this directly to a publisher. But these days publishing houses only work with literary agents.

The Writers Market is a book that has listings for literary agents who may be looking for the next James Baldwin or Anne Rice. A new edition is published every year and contains the most updated guidelines and trends of the publishing industry. It’s full of samples, what-not-to-do’s and contact information for book publishing industry leaders.

After reading about 50 different sample query letters, an endless amount of blogs giving advise on how to write a query letter, and every professional contribution on writing a query letter in the Writers Market book; among many other things, my query letter was the result.

Outro

Abracadabra! Yes! It is done! Thank you so much for listening. Just a final reminder to check the show notes for links on resources and to connect to me online. My book Unashamed: a life tainted is available on Amazon and other book stores, and if you would like an autographed copy, you can get one from me on my website. Proceeds from all my merchandise goes to programs to prevent child molestation, domestic violence, incestuous abuse and sexual assault. Follow my Instagram, @azizakibibi, to stay connected and learn about free giveaways. And on that note, until next time. Be blessed for you are a blessing.

Credits:

Music and sound effects curtesy of Epidemic Sounds:

"Rain In New York"- Rijko

"Your Vibe" - Yomoti

"Balm" - Peter Sandberg

"Swirls" -Gunnar Johnse´n

SUCH A TEASE

Aziza Kibibi — Sun, 16 Aug 2020 18:00:00 -0500

Welcome!

I am Aziza Kibibi and I'm so excited to share with you my journey as a self published author.

"We are walking stories. Rarely opening our pages to others for fear of their judgments and criticisms." - Aziza Kibibi

What's this all about?

"Self Published" chronicles much of what I was going through the 4 years it took me to write and publish my book Unashamed: a life tainted...vols. 1 and 2.

You'll listen to stories of my process and life, which include everything from my attempts at securing a traditional publisher, to getting an opportunity to promote my book on the ABC talk show "Katie!" before I even finished writing it, and the many tools and resources I used to keep myself motivated through the entire ordeal to get it done.

So when will this all happen?

In this 10 episode season, Every Monday starting September 14, 2020, I will upload a podcast episode that is an eloquent mash-up of my archived blog posts "Unashamed an Open Book," and my journal entries correlating with the publishing of the blog. Those tasty nuggets will be accompanied by insight, resources and advice on self-publishing a book. And to top it all off, it will be accented by a couple of dashes of crazy that was going on behind the scenes.

Why should You care?

If you are a budding author, a fellow human living a life that deserves to be surrounded by letterbox complete with opening and closing credits, a person who wants to share their story to help the world, or someone who just enjoys listening to interesting life experiences, then this podcast is for you.

Is that all?

If you want to learn more about my story, my work and other projects, as well as support my philanthropic efforts to fight child molestation and domestic violence, be sure to visit my website, subscribe to my YouTube channel, follow me on social media, buy my book, check out my nonprofit, join me on Patreon, and most definitely, email me at aziza@azizakibibi.com.

And let's not forget...

The purpose of everything I do is to help someone else. I believe that we are here in this existence with so many others to contribute to each other's evolution. Edutainment is my favorite genre. So in every episode of "Self Published", my intention is to inspire and help you to share your stories. If you want to write a book, you'll find resources in my episodes to realize your dreams. If you want to start a podcast, I'll include information for that too.

Below is a link to whet your appetite.

https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde

Now finally, without further ado, please enjoy this small sample of what's to come.

Episode Transcript

I remember the day I started writing my book. I was sitting at the base of my daughter’s hospital bed in a bedroom in my mothers house that I shared with my 5 children. We slept on the floor next to a recliner reserved for the overnight nurse for my daughter Uwakokunre. We’d been put out of our home we rented because the owner went into foreclosure. Sidebar: I later learned he didn’t actually go into foreclosure; he just wanted to sell. Not knowing my rights as a renter, I didn’t contest and moved out within 30 days. Hashtag, Know your rights and how to use them.

Uwakokunre had just returned home from a 10 day stay in the hospital. She came down with pneumonia because as she got older, her lungs got weaker, so trips to the ER became even more frequent. Post traumatic stress syndrome sent me to my computer to journal about my life; therapy to cope with the remnants of being molested, raped and abused by my infamous father.

Two years, one child less, a new home and 4 college classes later, I came to the conclusion that my journal should become a memoir, and that memoir should be published as a book.

This weekly podcast is about that journey. Not only the journey of publishing a book, but the journey we all take as humans trying to establish and share (or not) ourselves with the world.

In its most basic definition, “publish” means to make public.

We are walking stories. Rarely opening our pages to others for fear of their judgments and criticisms.

The process of me publishing my book taught me a lot about myself, those who I thought I knew well, those who iv’e never met, and yes what it takes to be a self published author. And now I’m sharing it all with you.

Self Published

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

The Blog post

SideBar

Writing advice

Outro

NEED HELP?

Blog post

COMMENTS

Invite/Announcements

SideBar

Writing Advise

Outro

EXPLICIT

Transcript*

Intro.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOU CAN LEARN.

The Blog post

Food for thought (this time it's literal):

SideBar

Writing Advise.

Outro

A WORD OF APPRECIATION

GIVING THANKS

Outro

MINI EPISODE

BOSSING UP.

The Blog post

Food for thought:

COMMENTS

SideBar

Outro

NEVER TOO BUSY

The Blog Post.

Food For Thought.

About Publishing

Outro

MANY HATS.

The Blog Post

Food for thought:

Sidebar:

﻿

About Publishing:

Damon Diddit 1

Transcript*

Intro.

MOMMY DEAREST.

Transcript

The blog post

Comments

Sidebar

About Publishing

SIGNS.

Transcript

The Blog Post.

QUERY.

Insider tips - resource query letter

Outro

SUCH A TEASE

Welcome!

What's this all about?

So when will this all happen?

Why should You care?

Is that all?

And let's not forget...

Episode Transcript

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