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I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.

One thing to try: If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.

In this episode

• (0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
• (1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
• (2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
• (4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
• (5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
• (7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
• (9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
• (10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
• (13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
• (15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Are your boundaries keeping you safe, or keeping you stuck? I have never liked the word. This week a reader called Katherine gave me a better one: gates, not thorns.

I have carers in my life 24 hours a day, so I could not build walls even if I wanted to. I had to grow the strength to let the world in instead, and that is where I stand on boundaries. A red line between two people is healthy. It is an agreement, not a wall. A rulebook the whole world has to obey is not, and the old Buddhist texts do not even have a word for it. What they have is sila, your own conduct. Rules for you, and nobody else. A boundary that never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.

One thing to try: Next time you go to defend something, ask one question. Is this a gate or a thorn? Protecting something tender until it is stronger is fine. Refusing the world is not.

In this episode

• (0:32) Katherine's email: a garden, not thorny bushes
• (1:44) Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
• (3:35) Carers in my life 24 hours a day
• (6:16) If you want to learn calm, spend time with your family
• (7:11) A healthy boundary: not my best today, so I close the gate
• (8:13) Red lines between two people are different
• (12:00) The Buddhists had no word for boundaries. They had sila
• (15:26) Life will not honour your bubble
• (16:21) A boundary that never comes down becomes a prison
• (17:44) Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison?

With gratitude to

Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie, Joan and Reishin

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Open me up and there is no Steven in there. In deep sleep there is no Steven either. We wake up and we come online and we boot the roles: dad, councillor, host, meditator. Each one needs a different set of skills, and you can only run one at a time. So who is watching the breath when you meditate? Ask whether you are aware of your left toe and you were not, and then you were. In that gap before the answer, there is nobody home, and that is not terrifying. It is the most freeing thing I know.

One thing to try: Ask yourself, are you aware? Then notice the moment before you answer.

In this episode

• (2:33) I always wanted to be somebody, and should have been specific
• (4:19) Every role needs a different set of skills
• (5:30) In deep sleep there is no Steven
• (7:55) You cannot run two roles at once
• (9:12) Who is doing the relaxing
• (11:41) Are you aware of your left toe
• (13:05) No fixed little statue of you sits inside
• (15:31) Do it with excitement and curiosity
• (16:54) My daughter found it terrifying. It is not

With gratitude to

Yuva, Karin, Sue, HJ, Anita, Lorraine, Brandy, Jane, Sergio and Irma

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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That is Rilke, and it is where this one started. No script, just a cup of coffee. You cannot change the present moment. You cannot grow your hair, lose weight, get younger or stop the rain in this second, and yet we spend enormous energy arguing with what has already arrived. Imagine a rainbow with only two colours in it. That is a life lived in a narrow band of feeling. Watching the film Albatross and hearing the ending changed how I think about all of it.

One thing to try: Ask one question today. What small colour can I let into my life?

In this episode

• (2:53) You cannot change the present moment
• (4:06) Arguing with what has already arrived
• (5:17) The hero on the uncomfortable cushion
• (6:44) The good times need nothing from you
• (7:39) Born, pain, desire, joy, rain, shine. All of it
• (9:12) Not every voice is healthy, but all of them carry weight
• (10:37) Rilke, and go to the limits of your longing
• (12:44) A rainbow with only two colours
• (15:28) What would love be without loss
• (18:06) What small colour can I let in

With gratitude to

Senga, Jess, Anita, Sue, Evelyn and Glenn

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Picture the ox with a carrot on a stick fixed above its own head. Every step forward moves the carrot forward. That is happiness as most of us run it. And it is not a design fault, it is evolutionary genius, because if you settled the moment you got something you would never go further. The man who loses everything is miserable on day one and fine two years later. Happiness is an emotion. It arrives and it leaves, like all the others. It was never going to move in.

One thing to try: Catch yourself saying I will be happy when. Pause there and notice how much of life you just skipped.

In this episode

• (4:10) The ox, the stick and the carrot above its own head
• (5:19) Stop chasing and you see what you already have
• (6:28) Why this is evolutionary genius, not a fault
• (7:47) We would never run faster or try again
• (9:07) Halfway up, turn around and look at the valley
• (10:13) Everything becomes normal in the end
• (11:16) The man on the park bench, day one and two years on
• (12:54) Happiness arrives and leaves, like every other emotion
• (16:27) I will be happy when, and what it costs you

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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The first arrow lands and it hurts. Then we load the bow ourselves. Every replay in your head, every post, every phone call to a friend, is another arrow into the same wound. And here is the uncomfortable bit. The suffering loop feeds us, because it makes us the hero of our own story. Nobody wants to hear about the good day and the view over the ocean. Everybody leans in for the battle. I have been the victim hero for the last few weeks and I know exactly how it works.

One thing to try: When a painful thought comes back, ask one question. Is this taking me anywhere? If not, it is the second arrow.

In this episode

• (1:42) The council motion, and the word I actually said
• (2:49) I think you meant albatross
• (5:23) Thinking about them with other people
• (6:37) Every replay loads the bow again
• (7:51) Pain does not mean your practice is failing
• (9:12) Life will still dish it up to you
• (11:17) Why the suffering loop feeds us
• (13:01) Nobody leans in for the good day
• (16:28) Is this the second arrow

With gratitude to

Adam, Alison, Anna, Diana, Dominique, Dova, Ellen, Fran, Jenna and Mia, Jennifer, Jude, Kellee, Kylin, Marcie, Rita, Simon, Stefan, Steven and Sue

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Sit with that one. Anger is the bodyguard. It steps in to put something right, to stop it happening again, to defend what matters. Throw the hammer away and you have thrown away an emotion that evolution spent a very long time building. A child is furious about a red T-shirt when they wanted green, and to them the world just ended. When you are in a life where things go wrong fast, the gap between the spark and the fire shrinks. But it is a gap, and it can be widened.

One thing to try: Instead of arguing, say six words. I see you care deeply. Why?

In this episode

• (4:07) Throw away the hammer and you throw away the tool
• (5:20) A red T-shirt when they wanted green
• (7:49) Anger is the bodyguard that steps in
• (9:22) Do you really believe that, Steven
• (10:11) When there is no time between spark and reaction
• (11:29) There is a gap, and it does not have to become a fire
• (14:09) I see you care deeply. Tell me why
• (15:40) Sitting down with people I disagree with over a cup of tea
• (18:59) Anger does not need banishing. It needs hearing

With gratitude to

Alice, Kim in the Yukon, Maya, Ken, Linda and Michael, the regulars Laura and Stuart, and new monthly supporters Sue, Jude, Jenna and Mia, and Rita

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Set that as the target and the trains keep coming and you feel like you are failing at it. You are not. Here is the whole thing in one sentence. You are not the thought, you are the one listening to it. Because if you can hear it, you cannot only be it. There is a tiny space between the thought and the reaction, usually too small to notice, and that gap is the thing that changes everything.

One thing to try: Let one train in tonight and stay on the bench. You never had to empty the station.

In this episode

• (0:00) Thirty to forty thoughts a minute, and 3am
• (2:23) The mind does not care that you are tired. It has a list
• (3:33) The whole episode in one sentence
• (4:11) If you can hear the thought, you cannot only be the thought
• (5:25) A thought pulls in, and you do not have to get on it
• (7:17) At twenty he will still hand you the green sweet
• (9:03) The tiny space, so small we do not know it is there
• (13:09) You are the quiet one on the bench who watched every one

With gratitude to

Addie, Darren, Alice, Caroline and My Herb. And Sin, Annie, Laura, Adam, Dominique and Senga. A special thank you to Stuart, two years a monthly supporter.

The companion meditation: A Meditation to Quiet an Overthinking Mind

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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We argue with family most because we are trying to prove we have changed. See me, I am here. Real space is not silent punishment and it is not neglect. Before you step in, ask honestly whether you are helping them or reducing your own discomfort. Have you listened long enough, or are you just ready with the answer?

One thing to try: Before you speak, give it three seconds. Not toast on the floor. Three actual seconds.

In this episode

• (0:03) One of the hardest forms of love, and what it is not
• (3:16) Not going down the rabbit hole. That is evolution protecting you
• (5:18) Become aware of the breath, or even just an itch
• (7:48) Why we argue with family. Please see me
• (10:24) Space is not coldness and it is not silent punishment
• (12:39) Am I helping, or reducing my own discomfort?
• (15:14) The three second rule, and it is not about toast

With gratitude to

Cheryl, Nitya, Yvonne, Eleanor, Ryan, Karen, Lana, Jess and Stuart.

The companion meditation: Create Space Around Your Thoughts

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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The amygdala flags something before you know it. A second or two later the adrenaline is in, the heart is up, the blood is heading for the big muscles. That is not your body malfunctioning. That is your body being brilliant. Picture a campfire and somebody says, what was that. You want the person who feels the fear. Every feeling has a healthy end and an unhealthy end of the same stick, and we keep trying to chop the stick in half.

One thing to try: Take five seconds between the feeling and the reaction. Not to fix it. Just to let it finish arriving.

In this episode

• (1:44) The first thirty seconds, and the book it comes from
• (2:58) The amygdala flags it before you know
• (4:12) This is the body working, not failing
• (5:03) The campfire, and who you want with you
• (7:42) Love is blind, and then it is the toilet seat
• (10:27) Finding out you had only been seeing three colours
• (12:56) I would not want a life with none of it
• (14:03) Stop trying to chop the stick

With gratitude to

Addie, Amy, Barbara, Susan, Michael, Karen, Laura, David, Jenna and Mia, and Johnny

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Every morning is like this for me at the moment, so I do feel it. But we have been handed a story where the body is the opposition. It is not. It is the mind, the body, the toes, the fingers, the knees, all in it together. We ignore the soldiers doing the work, then get angry the moment anything goes wrong. Thank you for being my companion.

One thing to try: Say thank you to one part of your body that has been doing its job unnoticed.

In this episode

• (0:01) No fluff, no quick fixes, just this
• (2:42) That is me every morning, especially at the moment
• (5:21) The story that our body is the enemy
• (7:44) The mind, the body, the toes, the fingers. All of it together
• (10:04) Whatever your illness is, the story is still a story
• (12:41) Ignoring the soldiers, then getting angry when it fails
• (15:15) Thank you for being my companion

With gratitude to

Sin, Ellen, Dominique, Adam, Annie, Joe, Sujata, Senga, Jack, Glenn, Denise, Laurie and Rosie.

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Every carer, every encounter, however small. I take notice about one time in twenty. There is nothing wrong with the armour. My nan had a way of dealing with people who came in moaning. And there is the master whose final teaching came years later, once the student was ready to hear it. Try a different answer once and see what room it opens up.

One thing to try: Answer once today with actually, today is a hard one. See what happens next.

In this episode

• (0:03) No fluff, no quick fixes
• (2:49) One in twenty times I actually take notice
• (5:12) Sometimes I'm fine is the best answer there is
• (10:28) We would lose all hope without it
• (12:45) Going in and moaning to my nan
• (15:11) The final teaching, understood years later
• (17:47) Messaging a friend and saying I am feeling emotional
• (20:16) Try another answer. Today is a hard one

With gratitude to

Alex, Nina, Zoe, A Ma, Kevin, Katarzyna, Deborah, Christopher and Ariel. And MumMik's Cleaning Services, for buying a course this week.

The companion meditation: When Anxiety Visits: A Quick Meditation for Anxious Moments

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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My chair broke and I could not do anything. That is a lifeline gone, and a friend had to come and push me out to the van. In the weeks after I read a hundred and twenty year old book by James Allen saying you are not your thoughts. Sometimes I need to think something through and I will go into a story deliberately. Other times there are gaps between the words.

One thing to try: Stop asking whether you are doing it right. Ask what works at your altitude.

In this episode

• (0:03) Eight billion minds, and why one method cannot fit them
• (2:35) You can only write from the altitude you are at
• (4:50) The chair breaking, and losing the lifeline
• (7:10) Reading James Allen, and you are not your thoughts
• (9:54) Going into a story deliberately, and the gaps between words

With gratitude to

Suzanne, Maria, Michael, Tiffany, Ellen, Kathleen, Edyll, Nicola, Jess, Lynette, Linda, Laura and Yavuz.

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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You cannot switch off a taste you dislike, so expecting to switch off a thought is the wrong ask. You choose which train to drive rather than stopping the trains. Little and often beats forty minutes on a Saturday. You do not need a lotus position, though a straight back helps. Three deep breaths connect the mind and the body and that is the way in.

One thing to try: Take three deep breaths before the next conversation you are dreading.

In this episode

• (0:03) Myth busting, and why meditation matters off the cushion
• (2:50) Giving up on it, then snapping at somebody later
• (5:18) The real scenarios meditation is actually for
• (7:12) Thoughts that come and go, and the ones we go with
• (9:52) You cannot switch off a taste you do not like
• (12:02) Choosing to be the driver, and where the train goes
• (16:29) Little and often beats forty minutes once a week
• (21:27) No lotus position needed, but keep the back straight

With gratitude to

Sin, Margaret, Annie, Melike, Helen, Laura, Adam, Dominique, and a special welcome to Linda.

The companion meditation: Peace Right Where You Are

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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When I was Mayor of Truro there were days I had nothing left at all. I cannot feel anything from the chest down and I have autonomic dysreflexia, so my body signals things differently to yours. I took a couple of days and genuinely stopped. That beats soldiering on and taking three days over a one day job, every time.

One thing to try: Sit and ask one question. What do I need right now? Then actually act on the answer.

In this episode

• (0:03) Mayor of Truro, and the days there was nothing left
• (1:52) Autonomic dysreflexia, and how my body tells me things
• (3:47) Why is it wrong to say you need time off?
• (5:07) Putting it on Facebook and hoping there is enough goodwill
• (6:55) Tiredness is not a weakness, it is honest information
• (8:33) What the waves in the brain turned out to be
• (10:21) Two days off, properly stopping, and the cabin idea
• (11:57) A one day job, done in one day, instead of three

The companion meditation: Permission to Rest: A meditation for time out

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Easter, and all this talk of new life can land as pressure when you are still in the ground. Not all trees bloom at the same time. Drive down any road and most daffodils are out and one on the end is only just arriving, and nobody thinks that one has failed. The tide does not come in cleanly either. It goes out, readjusts, comes back slightly further. There is a Scandinavian proverb that winter returns in spring seven times before summer, and that has been about right this year.

One thing to try: Stop pushing one thing for a week. Then notice what came up on its own while you were not looking.

In this episode

• (3:01) Will we ever hear the birds again
• (4:06) Curiosity goes away, and it does come back
• (5:17) When you stop controlling, life has a way
• (6:26) The tide goes out, readjusts, comes back further
• (8:01) We are the rhythm, not the problem to be solved
• (9:17) Easter as pressure when you are still buried
• (10:36) Not all trees bloom at the same time
• (13:51) Winter returns in spring seven times before summer
• (15:35) The first thing that rises is always caring

The companion meditation: Find the Green Shoot: A Meditation for Quiet Renewal

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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I am recording this three days after an operation and on painkillers, so bear with me. I collected the statues and the pictures and the apps and books I never read. What I was after was for the calm to rub off. But the practices do not need the beliefs. Meditation, awareness, compassion for yourself and for others, sitting with what is rather than fighting it. None of that asks you to believe in reincarnation or karma. Jun Po taught me that all of it starts at one point, and that point is caring.

One thing to try: Take one practice, not one belief. Sit with what is for two minutes and leave the rest.

In this episode

• (1:18) We are all Buddhas when you strip the layers back
• (2:34) The statues, the apps and the books I never read
• (4:23) It would help, and it would only take a few thousand years
• (6:37) Alan Watts, and the wisest people I know are not Buddhists
• (7:52) It points to a stillness under the noise
• (10:16) Reincarnation, karma, and what you do not have to believe
• (11:32) The core practices, and what they actually ask of you
• (14:10) Jun Po, and why it all starts at caring
• (15:05) There is no point where you are finished

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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I was young, flat on my back, with four TV channels I could see in a little mirror and nothing else to do but think. Two questions arrived and they have never fully left. Life looks fine from outside, so you feel guilty for asking, and you tell yourself you are being ungrateful. Carl Jung said the first half of life builds the ego and your place in the world, and the second half turns inward. The question did not lead me to despair. It turned into a window. When you think you know, the world shrinks.

One thing to try: Next time the question visits, do not answer it. Look at one thing as though you had never seen it before.

In this episode

• (1:24) That question is not a sign something is wrong
• (2:30) Four channels, seen in a little mirror
• (4:19) I should have been having fun. I had these instead
• (5:32) Feeling guilty for even thinking it
• (7:38) Carl Jung on the two halves of a life
• (11:36) It stopped being a wall and became a window
• (13:11) The girl in the caravan, seeing it for the first time
• (13:45) Beginner's mind has many possibilities
• (18:55) Not just a wave. That wave
• (21:32) Reaching for depth, not for more stuff

With gratitude to

Angie, Helen, Sujata, Suzanne, Lorna, Liz, Daphne, Sarah, Mikey and Jen, and the monthly ones, Joe, Audra, Sin, Jack, Glenn, Barb and Venetia

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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In 1992 I sat with a manual wheelchair I could barely move, triceps paralysed, hands paralysed, and I spent days trying to prove I was not disabled. The moment I accepted it, everything changed. Telling your body to forget something it built to protect you is a losing argument. It is quicksand. The more you struggle the deeper you go. So swap the word. Acceptance is not passive. It is the only thing that actually loosens the grip.

One thing to try: Find a quiet moment and say the true thing out loud. This is how it is. Then stop there.

In this episode

• (1:40) 1992, and a chair I could not push
• (3:57) How determined I was not to be disabled
• (5:04) The version of me I was trying to live up to
• (7:53) Say let go, and the mind grips harder
• (9:05) You are telling the body to forget its own protection
• (10:16) Quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper
• (12:41) The butterfly on an open hand
• (15:27) We are all in a wheelchair of some kind
• (19:08) Freedom is not letting go. Freedom is acceptance

With gratitude to

Ruth, Nina and Ray, Skila, Cheryl, Krysia, Penny, Jenna and Mia, Angie, Sean and Stefan

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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The role becomes the identity. The one who holds the family together, keeps the plates spinning, gets the three in the morning call. Then it stops. Redundancy, a divorce, the youngest leaving, the year ending. Everyone tells you that you should be grateful, and you are, and gratitude and grief sit side by side quite happily. You cannot pour from a cup that has been empty for years. You also deserve to know who you are outside what you give.

One thing to try: Ask yourself the question and answer it honestly. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me?

In this episode

• (2:54) One day you matter, then suddenly you do not
• (3:54) When the role ends, what is the role now
• (5:13) Three in the morning, and how it becomes your identity
• (6:32) Redundancy, divorce, the youngest leaving
• (7:46) Gratitude and grief sit side by side
• (9:02) You cannot pour from a cup empty for years
• (10:19) You are not your roles. You never were

With gratitude to

Tiffany, Fran, Caroline, Ruth, Mazdak, Cara and Sujata

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Steven

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Officially we did not break a hundred, which I am glad about. I check in on the news every four and a half seconds because you never know what is coming next, and that is exactly the habit worth breaking. The world is noisy. My word this year is to simplify, and this podcast is part of that. We are not even in control of where the weight goes on.

One thing to try: Check the news once today and then leave it alone until tomorrow.

In this episode

• (0:10) The strongest winds Cornwall has ever had
• (2:36) Ninety nine point seven, and glad we did not break a hundred
• (4:51) Sharing the word, as though I am some kind of wordsmith
• (7:11) Watch the news, but do not get into it too much
• (9:34) Checking on the news every four and a half seconds
• (11:47) The world is noisy, and my word this year is simplify
• (14:07) We are not even in control of where the weight goes

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Steven

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Mine came out of simplifying. Take away what you do not need and it goes right down to the complicated things. If you love something you accept it rather than trying to change it. Embrace the anxiety, because it is the seven year old saying watch out, last time this was rubbish. My word is curiosity. Open, and asking what is happening now.

One thing to try: Pick your one word for the year. Just the one. Say it out loud and see if it holds.

In this episode

• (0:01) Happy New Year, and what this one is about
• (2:37) Too much junk television, and it not shifting
• (4:52) Simplify. Take away what you do not need
• (7:14) If you love something, you accept it as it is
• (9:48) Embrace the anxiety. It is telling you something
• (11:41) Curiosity, and using it in sentences every day

With gratitude to

Jessica, Laura, Katherine, Joan, Ulysses, Lisa and Audra.

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Steven

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Most religions come down to something similar underneath. Buddhism differs in asking you to believe in yourself, and that the hard times are not as solid as they look. I am not aware all the time. My depth is nowhere near what people assume. My seven year old self is still there, and now I just have a chat with him and give him a hug.

One thing to try: Have one word with your seven year old self today. Ask how he is doing.

In this episode

• (0:03) Jesus, Buddhism, the Bible, and what carries us
• (2:51) Starting with one of my favourite poems
• (5:20) Where most religions actually meet
• (7:37) Buddhism asking you to believe in yourself
• (10:04) Please do not think I am aware all the time
• (13:01) You write the book for the audience
• (17:34) Having a chat with my seven year old self
• (20:01) The presence underneath everything

With gratitude to

Kelly, Trish, Addy, Kerry, Maybelline, Greet, Tracy and Birdie, and a shout out to Verne.

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Steven

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I did not need somebody to fix anything. I needed somebody to sit there. Inner peace is always present, the way a drink is already on the table as you get older and realise you can just reach for it. Thoughts arrive as trains and you choose which to board. Happiness is an experience that comes and goes. Peace is the thing underneath that does not.

One thing to try: When the cold hits your face, try just noticing it is cold rather than needing to fix it.

In this episode

• (0:03) What inner peace means, and what it does not
• (2:30) We are at peace when we are not suffering
• (4:52) I did not need fixing. I needed somebody to sit there
• (7:36) It is always present. I just remember it more often now
• (12:00) The train station, and choosing which ones to board
• (17:04) Happiness is an experience. You cannot park there
• (18:46) Cold on your face, and whether it needs doing something about

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Steven

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You cannot change the cards, only how you play them. The powerful hold hard power, military or influence, and it looks unbeatable from underneath. The good hands are the ones you work for, with time and courage and honesty and self awareness in them. Those are not handed out. Run through the soft skills and count how many you are already holding.

One thing to try: List your soft skills honestly. That is the hand, and it is usually better than you think.

In this episode

• (0:02) We cannot change the cards, only how we play them
• (2:58) Who holds what kind of power, and which kind
• (4:48) Never finished school, kicked out of sixth form
• (7:05) The second state visit, and why it is a clever move
• (9:40) The good cards are the ones you work for
• (14:05) Running through the soft skills. How many have you got?
• (16:42) One grows up a doctor, one a plumber. You need both

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Steven

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Short videos are junk food for the brain and I keep thinking the next one will help. What a good parent would say is not get a grip. It is be a bit kinder to yourself in the journal tonight. There will never be one episode that sorts your storms out for good, and I would be lying if I pretended otherwise.

One thing to try: Say to yourself what a kind parent would say. Not what your critic would.

In this episode

• (0:03) Parenting ourselves, and where I came across it
• (2:26) Needing somebody to say put your shoes on and go
• (4:51) Council meetings, and not many friends these days
• (7:23) Junk food for the brain, and the next video helping
• (9:39) How about being a little kinder in the journal tonight
• (11:50) There is no one episode that sorts it all out

With gratitude to

Laura K, Stewart and Mariette.

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Steven

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Judgement is when we look up and decide she is lazy or he is attention seeking. Then somebody lists everything wrong with their day and we cannot stand it, usually because we do not like seeing our own mirror. When you let compassion in, you let in all your own flaws with it. The heart opens both ways or it does not open.

One thing to try: Next time somebody lists their troubles, notice what it stirs in you before you judge it.

In this episode

• (0:00) Compassion is the cosmic wink. I see you, fellow player
• (2:30) The judgement that says she is lazy, he is attention seeking
• (5:15) Somebody listing everything wrong with their day
• (7:39) My spasms, my cold, and everything going on
• (9:50) We do not like seeing our own mirror
• (12:13) Let it in and you let in your own flaws as well
• (14:48) An action, not a feeling. I see you and I feel you

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Steven

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I smoked for the best part of thirty years. I am attached to pleasure, to hope, to feeling well. The Western version of this is that you must give everything up, and that is not it. Try pushing a bird off your hand and telling it to go. It leaves and it comes back. My council put a new kitchen in and I hated going in there for weeks, and then I did not. Stop chasing the carrot and it stops running. Just let the hour pass without the cigarette.

One thing to try: Do not fight the craving. Let this one hour go by without it, then start another hour.

In this episode

• (2:43) Thirty years of smoking, near enough
• (3:53) Pleasure, hope and the subtle attachments
• (5:35) The four truths, quickly and plainly
• (6:42) Push the bird away and watch it come back
• (12:48) Embrace change by simply accepting it
• (14:20) The new kitchen I did not want
• (15:26) The carrot, the stick and running for nothing
• (17:40) Another thirty seconds, then another
• (20:04) Do not get into the argument with it

With gratitude to

Senga, Michael, Dominique, Ulysses, Nick, Julie and Anne

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Steven

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I wanted to know how, and who with, and how long for. I did not ask. It took me a long time to work out that I was not grieving her. I was grieving the life, the freedom, the joys. Name what they did silently, as an object, and do not go down the story with it. Let the pain be there if it comes. Then it has nothing to do with them any more.

One thing to try: Name the thing that happened in three words. No story attached. Just the object.

In this episode

• (0:06) A few emails, and what they were asking about
• (3:00) They are the same thing, and where we need to get to
• (4:50) It is never as simple as we were happy and then this
• (7:33) All the questions I had, and the wisdom not to ask them
• (9:57) It was not her I grieved. It was the life
• (12:33) How do you forgive somebody who left, or cheated?
• (14:57) Name it as an object, and do not go down the story
• (17:29) Then you have real freedom, and it is nothing to do with them

With gratitude to

Mark, Annie, Will, Linda in Australia, and Judy Simpson.

The companion meditation: The Freedom of Forgiveness: Letting Go For Yourself

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Steven

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At 40 I was single, out of money, on benefits, and my chair had broken. I would sleep ninety minutes and wake to thoughts that would not stop, and that went on for weeks. I was a terrible meditator and still am. You cannot turn a negative thought into a positive one by deciding to. You sit in the station and let the trains go past.

One thing to try: Watch one thought arrive and do nothing about it. That is the entire skill.

In this episode

• (0:06) Really simple. Not easy, but simple. You are not your thoughts
• (1:45) Noticing how they just show up for no reason at all
• (3:48) You have evolved for millions of years. Think about that
• (5:05) Forty years old, single, no money, and a broken chair
• (6:52) Ninety minutes of sleep, then thoughts that would not stop
• (8:22) Being a terrible meditator, and trying it anyway
• (10:12) Sitting in the station, letting the trains go by
• (16:41) Falling in love with a car or a dress, and how that works

With gratitude to

Audra and John, and the monthly subscribers.

The companion meditation: A Dharma Meditation Beyond Overthinking

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Steven

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I sat there thinking people vote for me because they feel sorry for me, or because I am in a wheelchair. Then another voice comes in and says hang on, thank you for putting your nose in, but it was fine last time. That is the argument, and it never fully stops. The hard bit is doing it again and again. Hello, how are you today, like an annoying little visitor.

One thing to try: When it arrives, greet it rather than argue with it. Hello, you again.

In this episode

• (0:01) Anxiety and imposter syndrome are not the problem
• (2:25) Thinking people vote for me because of the wheelchair
• (5:00) Sitting next to the cabinet holder for the environment
• (7:50) Four years on, and it still has not gone
• (9:54) Thank you for putting your nose in, but it was fine last time
• (12:30) The elderly gentleman next door, forty years on
• (14:34) The hard part is doing it again and again

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Steven

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Somebody told me what STFU stands for and it was not what I expected. We are handed a blank canvas and immediately want to paint it a colour. On the road I was bored and cold and fed up, and then I started seeing the lines in a leaf, and a car going past making them jump and settle. Two bears, one with a machete and one with donuts. Focus on the right one.

One thing to try: Look at one ordinary thing until you see something in it you had not noticed.

In this episode

• (0:04) Hints and tips on getting through the difficult times
• (2:57) Asking him what it stood for, and the answer
• (4:41) Fix the whole world and what will you moan about?
• (7:07) The blank canvas, and wanting to paint it immediately
• (9:34) Bored, cold and fed up, going along that road
• (14:24) The lines in a leaf, and the leaves jumping as a car goes
• (16:59) Two bears. One with a machete, one with donuts
• (18:58) It is your interpretation, and somebody else has another

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Steven

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You move in and out of these levels during a single day. Give me a bad headache and mine shrinks fast. There are good reasons for countries and we are still all human. The strange bit is that the person driving you mad is usually the one closest in. How wide can you make it on a day when you are not feeling generous?

One thing to try: Picture your circle, then try adding one person you find difficult. Just picture it.

In this episode

• (0:03) Stages of development, from a personal angle
• (2:35) How many are genuinely in that circle right now?
• (5:06) You fluctuate in and out, even during one day
• (7:46) Countries make sense, and we are all still human
• (9:45) Accepting the stranger, but not the brother
• (12:13) The higher level of openness and understanding
• (14:49) How big can you make that circle?
• (17:21) We can still disagree, and still be human about it

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Steven

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There is the small mind that has problems and the big mind where nothing needs fixing. Trying to deny it all is like keeping a garden and never taking your shoes off. You never find out what the grass feels like. It is not nice watching somebody suffer, and if you have a big heart it is harder. I get lonely because I am wanting something I have not got, and solving it made it worse.

One thing to try: Let one uncomfortable feeling stay a while without trying to solve it.

In this episode

• (0:01) Small mind and big mind on this episode
• (2:28) The vast one where nothing needs fixing at all
• (4:45) A garden, and never taking your shoes off in it
• (7:24) It is hard watching somebody suffer when you care
• (9:58) And what about detaching from happiness and desire?
• (11:52) Feeling lonely because I want something I have not got

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Steven

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I was shouted at as a child, so some of it is that. Some of it is the person triggering something older. I get triggered by my daughter more than almost anybody, because I care and because I expected more. Nobody owns the road, and yet everybody wants to park in front of their own house. Anger is a hammer. It can smash a thing up or build something.

One thing to try: When it lands, ask one question. Did I expect more from them than I would from a stranger?

In this episode

• (0:02) The sharp email, the raised voice, and your stomach turning
• (2:48) Your nervous system is doing what it learned to do
• (5:10) Being shouted at as a child, and what it left
• (7:19) Nobody owns the road, and everybody wants to park on it
• (9:25) Triggered by my daughter more than most, because I care
• (11:57) You are not stuck in the past. Anger is a hammer

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Steven

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Thich Nhat Hanh said smile, breathe and go slowly. I am hopeless at the going slowly. What I can do is use the small forced pauses. I left the phone at home to go and meet somebody, and I gave them my whole attention for the first time in ages. Alan Watts said muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone. You do not have to clear it. You just have to stop stirring for a moment.

One thing to try: At the next door handle, stand still for thirty seconds and breathe before you go through.

In this episode

• (1:31) It is messy. Good days and bad days
• (2:34) I left the phone at home and it changed the meeting
• (4:15) Every small reset buys you a longer fuse
• (5:02) Thirty seconds standing still is enough
• (6:59) Let it settle a bit, again and again
• (7:54) Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone

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Steven

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I had a dream of a life that got ripped away unexpectedly. Then As a Man Thinketh told me I am not my thoughts, and that would not leave me alone. A sound reaches my head and my head interprets it and then tells me what it is. I am not in that loop. Two people never see the same colour, because both brains did the interpreting.

One thing to try: When the next thought lands, notice it arrived before you had any say in it.

In this episode

• (0:02) What enlightenment actually means
• (2:29) The dream that got ripped away unexpectedly
• (4:37) As a Man Thinketh, and you are not your thoughts
• (6:59) Never writing what was on the board, and what that was
• (9:23) One book, then two, then ten all saying the same thing
• (11:34) A sound arrives and my head tells me what it is
• (16:08) Seeing the cycle, and whether you need to act at all
• (18:38) Two people never see the same colour

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Steven

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I am fifty two, my body is paralysed, my immune system is not what it was, and this cold has taken a hammering out of me. On top of that the headlines keep coming and I keep going back for more. So I have started asking a different question. What if I wake up tomorrow and the kettle does not work, or the heating is gone? Suddenly the tea is a gift. And I have taken the iPad out of the bedroom and put two books there instead.

One thing to try: Put the phone out of the bedroom tonight. Put a book where it was.

In this episode

• (1:24) Thanking the people who keep this free of adverts
• (2:31) Fifty two, paralysed, and this cold is winning
• (4:14) Why the news is relentless either way
• (5:14) Service is the part that is not a problem
• (6:19) What if the kettle does not work tomorrow
• (7:55) Pause, and let the breath be what it is
• (9:08) If you are tired, your body is telling you something
• (10:19) The iPad is out. Two books are in

The companion meditation: Sunrise Gratitude: Welcoming a New Day

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Steven

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I have done five hundred miles round Cornwall in my electric wheelchair this year, and what I have kept from it is moments. Everything is stored that way. I met a man who told me about being flown to Salisbury at eighteen, and I had been in that same tight space, chewing my knees, and suddenly it was like I had known him all my life. The ones that shaped me most are the rock bottoms. That is why I cry easily now, and I do not think that is a fault.

One thing to try: Build one moment on purpose today with somebody. In twenty years it will matter more than the day did.

In this episode

• (1:26) Everything is stored as moments
• (2:53) The dog and the gate he never forgot
• (4:01) Eighteen years old, flown to Salisbury
• (5:18) Two moments connected, and a stranger I had known all my life
• (6:29) The afternoon with the toy car that will matter in twenty years
• (7:35) The ones that shaped me were the rock bottoms
• (8:48) Why I cry now, and why that is not a fault
• (11:49) Collect the good ones. Learn from the rest

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Steven

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I teach acceptance. And the one thing I have never accepted is my own disability. That is the elephant in my world. Giving in to an electric wheelchair was one of the hardest days of the early years. I have spent my life dodging labels, dodging pity and dodging the story people hand to somebody like me, and I am not sure whether that is freedom or avoidance. There is no right way. Half a million self help books and not one of them has landed it.

One thing to try: Name your elephant. You do not have to do anything about it today. Just stop walking around it.

In this episode

• (1:18) Have I truly accepted my own reality
• (2:34) The one thing I have never accepted
• (3:51) Dodging labels, pity and the story handed to me
• (5:21) Living in the present, or avoiding the future
• (6:28) Half a million books and none of them got it
• (7:58) It is in the not doing and the not knowing
• (9:16) The gnarly branch finds the gap
• (11:00) You have an elephant too

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Steven

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Ask who Steven is and the false self answers first. Podcast host. Councillor. Meditator. Man in a wheelchair. All of that is memory doing the job it evolved for, remembering where the bear was. Underneath it is something with no desires and no story, and you can find the edge of it right now. Are you aware of your left toe? You were not, and then you were. Now widen that until it is not pointed at anything. Not warm, not cosy. Just there, and it does not come and go.

One thing to try: Be aware of your left toe. Then let the awareness spread until it is not aimed at anything at all.

In this episode

• (2:48) The false self answers first, every time
• (4:09) Memory evolved to remember the bear
• (5:35) It does not feel warm or cosy, and that is the point
• (6:18) Are you aware of your left toe
• (7:56) I cannot see beyond me. But I can experience it
• (9:16) Aware of everything and of nothing at once
• (11:17) The ego is the part that suffers
• (12:55) The only self that truly has your back
• (17:00) The passage, read aloud

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Steven

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Looking back at a year you do not see a line. You see moments. The lad who chased me down the street with a pound for the bucket. Everybody is climbing the same mountain from a different side, seeing something genuinely true and calling everybody else wrong. Nobody is a hundred percent wrong, and very rarely is anybody a hundred percent right.

One thing to try: Accept one offer of help this week that you would normally turn down.

In this episode

• (0:06) Thank you for the last twelve months, and happy New Year
• (1:15) The lad who put a pound in the bucket
• (2:23) Breaking your neck as a teenager, and relying on people
• (3:23) Not replying for days, because I do not know what to say
• (5:05) This is what I can see, and you are wrong
• (6:28) The Lion King, and crying at it
• (8:00) Very little we can do alone, and very little we cannot together

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Steven

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There is the noise, the money, the debates round the table, and underneath all of it the fear of losing people. You cannot control the dinner, the presents or your relatives. It is like getting in the sea and expecting the sea to move around you. What changed things for me was sitting back and saying, go on then, let me have it. Then I did not have to do anything with what turned up, my thoughts included. Lower the expectation and there is suddenly room for other people in it.

One thing to try: Listen more and talk less for one gathering. When somebody finishes, wait before you fill the gap.

In this episode

• (1:17) How do you do joy on demand
• (3:59) Too busy, too loud, and the fear of losing people
• (6:16) The pressure to deliver the perfect day
• (9:00) Getting in the sea and expecting it to move for you
• (10:20) My mum's food, and she is still here
• (11:39) The moment I sat back and said, let me have it
• (15:05) What the Zen teachers do that nobody else does
• (19:07) Listen more, talk less, come back to the breath

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Steven

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I recorded this twice. The first time I talked about everybody else's vulnerability and it was not honest, so I binned it. I need people. When my body goes into dysreflexia I need somebody there, and there is nothing optional about it. But there is a difference between being vulnerable and feeling vulnerable. When you ask, you can ask from fear, or you can ask from courage and wisdom at the same time. Same words. Completely different person saying them.

One thing to try: Next time you ask for help, notice which voice is asking. Then let a braver one ask instead.

In this episode

• (1:17) The most vulnerable thing you can do is ask
• (3:04) I recorded this once already and it was not honest
• (4:13) What my body does, and who I need there
• (5:15) Judging is not always unhealthy
• (6:23) Get old enough and vulnerability finds you
• (8:02) Being vulnerable is not the same as feeling it
• (10:13) Asking from courage, not only from fear
• (12:30) The mask, and who decided they were strong

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Steven

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I was coming down the hill in my electric wheelchair looking at the leaves, and it struck me that plain awareness is only the doorway. It is simple and it is hard, and it is nearly impossible to explain to somebody who has not felt it. Awareness is not only outward either. What can the body teach me right now. And gratitude goes the same way: thank you kettle is the surface, and underneath it runs all the way out to caring about the whole world.

One thing to try: Turn the attention inward once today. Ask what the body is telling you and then just listen.

In this episode

• (2:58) Without awareness we snap and snarl
• (3:59) So simple, and so hard to hold on to
• (5:05) Awareness is not only about the outside world
• (6:16) What can the body teach me
• (8:02) Deeper gratitude, past the kettle
• (9:12) Universal care, and a world centric view
• (10:21) We do not know other people. We barely know ourselves
• (11:40) Your hips hurting is teaching you something

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Steven

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You were born a blank canvas and other people handed you the colours. Parents, teachers, the lot. Everything you do today comes out of that. I put a photo of myself in an odd hat on Facebook and watched how quickly a label arrives. You have a thousand voices in there and some are braver, wiser or kinder than the one that usually speaks. Drop the story and you are not becoming somebody new. You are just allowed to pick different colours today.

One thing to try: Go somewhere ordinary today and look at it as somebody with no history of it. See what you notice.

In this episode

• (1:52) Doctor, carer, dad, councillor. Which one is you
• (3:09) The blank canvas and who hands you the colours
• (4:11) The wake of the ship, as Alan Watts put it
• (5:33) The hat, and how fast a label arrives
• (8:51) A thousand voices, and you choose which speaks
• (12:49) What if I bring a new role to this moment
• (13:51) Become friends with the ego and play with it
• (16:51) Dropping the story is not becoming a new person

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Steven

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I say things in council meetings and then spend the evening asking myself why I said them. A tree lets a leaf die and fall and puts no weight on it whatsoever. For years we have lived as though a thought demands an action. It does not. If somebody throws a name at you, do not catch it. Start with the small stuff and work up.

One thing to try: Next time somebody throws something at you, do not catch it. That is the whole exercise.

In this episode

• (0:01) Why letting go is so difficult in the first place
• (1:50) A review from somebody who has not been themselves lately
• (3:29) Saying something in a council meeting and regretting it all evening
• (5:00) Expectations, and living in a world with other people in it
• (7:11) The tree that lets the leaf fall without any weight on it
• (8:50) Believing a thought means you have to do something
• (10:25) After forgiveness, there is just putting it down
• (13:55) If they throw it, do not catch it

With gratitude to

Eleanor, Josie, Senga and Beth.

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Steven

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Wait for your next thought. You cannot make one. You do not know what it will be. So whose thought is it. Your subconscious has no idea what is positive or negative. A good haul is a positive thought to a burglar. It has no timeline either, no tomorrow, no last week. It hands you what it thinks you need right now. My mind is a twenty four hour committee meeting of about ten thousand voices arguing, and I have stopped trying to chair it.

One thing to try: Sit three minutes and just wait for thoughts. Be the one who notices them arriving, not the one arguing.

In this episode

• (3:06) Everything in your body has a job, including the mind
• (4:12) Wait for your next thought. You cannot make one
• (6:18) You have thoughts. You are not the thoughts
• (7:54) To a burglar, a good haul is a positive thought
• (9:01) Your subconscious has no tomorrow and no last week
• (12:59) Ten thousand voices, arguing, all day
• (14:10) You cannot look at your own eyes
• (15:24) Three minutes, if you are somewhere safe
• (16:15) Become the watcher of thoughts

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Steven

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Four or five hours a day on the road at a snail's pace, and it never once rained where I was. The brain stores the day at the front and moves it to the back overnight, filing emotions with emotions, and it cannot tell whether it was a film or your life. This one also goes back to the day I left home heading for a river, and the question that arrived before I got there.

One thing to try: Find one thing in this moment that gives you a genuine thank you. Only one.

In this episode

• (0:00) Five hundred miles round Cornwall, done
• (1:51) A hundred and forty parishes and over three hundred places
• (3:39) It never once rained where I was
• (5:25) How the brain stores the day, then moves it overnight
• (6:59) Filing emotions with emotions, film or real life
• (8:44) Heading for the river, and the question that arrived first

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Steven

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He broke his neck a couple of years before I broke mine. Same level, same everything. He wrote a book. He flew planes. An hour after I heard, my ego said carry on and my body said no, and I had that argument the whole way. If you are listening to this you are alive, and that is the celebration. Do not go hunting one life purpose. Ask what your purpose is right now.

One thing to try: If you feel like you love somebody, pick up the phone and say it. That is a purpose.

In this episode

• (0:06) I have not gone anywhere, and where I have actually been
• (3:05) If you are listening to this, you are alive
• (5:02) Which voice wins? The one you allow
• (6:56) How the air ambulance helped them, story after story
• (9:30) It is not me changing your life. It is you
• (11:33) Ego with a little wisdom, and it being enough already
• (13:49) Always helping others and never yourself will drain you

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Steven

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Everybody quotes the song and nobody means it. I am doing 500 miles round Cornwall. Hold that loosely and I will enjoy it. Hold it tightly, with twenty thousand pounds to raise and a set number of miles a day, and I will not. I am not in control of the traffic or the potholes. Other people bring something to the table too, and that is the part we keep forgetting.

One thing to try: Take the thing you are gripping and loosen your hand by ten percent. Not let go. Loosen.

In this episode

• (0:05) The philosophy of holding things lightly
• (1:46) The balance between attachment and detachment
• (3:30) Trying to control the narrative, everybody else, the government
• (5:16) Let it go, that song, and why nobody actually means it
• (6:51) Holding loosely, and starting to see the beauty in it
• (8:25) Twenty thousand pounds and a daily target would ruin it
• (15:14) Neither clinging to everything nor dropping everything
• (20:12) Not in control of the traffic, or the potholes

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Steven

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Even a sip of water is more entertaining than meditation. But meditation gives you wisdom and calm and the ability to see things as they actually are, which the firework does not. Your favourite track is gone twenty minutes later. Enjoy it, but do not ask it to carry the day. I have been taking more time alone lately, by choice, and it is doing more for me than most things.

One thing to try: Pick one thing today that nourishes rather than entertains, and do that one instead.

In this episode

• (0:02) Seeking happiness, or seeking something that lasts
• (1:50) Not needing to be fulfilled, and why that helps
• (4:06) Choosing time alone, and going out in the chair
• (5:10) The firework display, and what it does and does not do
• (6:40) Nourishment is not about feeding better than we are
• (10:08) A sip of water is more entertaining than meditation
• (13:45) Your favourite track is gone twenty minutes later
• (17:02) Tapping into wisdom built up over millions of years

With gratitude to

Kelly Blackwell, Pat, Mark Kananda, Caroline, and the anonymous donors.

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Steven

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I went back to the Heart Sutra, which nobody wrote down for five hundred years, and then they had to add the Diamond Sutra because things got complicated. Your head does the same. Too many self-help books create a loop of needing to fix yourself, then not forgiving yourself for not having. If you are washing dishes, wash dishes. I am saying that while not doing it.

One thing to try: Take one thing off the pile today. Not organise it. Remove it.

In this episode

• (0:03) Recording a Zazen meditation without a script
• (3:22) Going back to the Heart Sutra after all these years
• (6:37) The loop of not forgiving yourself for not improving
• (8:06) They had to update it, because things got complicated
• (9:47) The middle way, and too many self-help books
• (11:19) Realising I was not listening, and it cost me
• (12:55) Hundreds of decisions a day, and why shopping exhausts you
• (14:32) If you are washing dishes, wash dishes

With gratitude to

Senga, Martin, Kira, Sandy and Diane.

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Steven

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We so often feel we have to act. Take the step back instead and ask whether the moment actually needs you. Your body carries thousands of years of inherited knowledge and it has your back. It knows what to do without being told.

One thing to try: Ask it once today. Does this moment need me to do anything with it?

In this episode

• (0:03) A smaller, bite sized version this time
• (1:16) Becoming aware of the breath, and what matters about it
• (1:51) Not forcing a feeling. The body knows how it should feel
• (2:36) Take a step back. Does this moment really need me?
• (3:23) Shopping, driving, and the mind doing five other things
• (3:55) The brain thinks it has got everything covered
• (4:36) Your body has your back, and it knows what to do

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Steven

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My carers do not shower me the way I would shower me. I have got comfortable with that. Amae is the mutual trust in depending on somebody, which every baby does and most adults spend their lives resisting. Think of a bow and arrow. The moment your fingers let go it is at the mercy of the wind, and that is the only point at which it can reach anything at all.

One thing to try: Let somebody else make one decision today, and be genuinely alright with how they make it.

In this episode

• (0:03) The comfort and security we are all chasing
• (2:04) Amae, and what it means in Japanese culture
• (3:15) Not dependence. Mutual understanding that strengthens
• (4:48) They do not even shower me the way I would
• (6:39) The bow and arrow, and the moment your fingers let go
• (8:21) The person who is rigid at work, doing it badly
• (10:00) The sat nav journey that never actually goes to plan
• (11:34) Stepping back and letting somebody else decide

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Steven

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Will Young was on the phone most nights when he was suffering badly, and that stuck with me. Everything pours into a funnel and tries to get out through a tiny hole at the bottom. I am managing not to almost bleed to death about once a month now. I still have the ups and downs. Your life is not the anxiety, or the bad day, or the traffic jam.

One thing to try: Ask one person how they are and then stay silent long enough for the real answer.

In this episode

• (0:01) The podcast I was listening to, and what he was going through
• (2:52) Everything filling the funnel, and the little hole at the bottom
• (4:52) Not almost bleeding to death about once a month
• (7:37) How are you, and what happens if you really want to know
• (9:40) Your life is not depression, or anxiety, or one bad day

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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There is a rough split worth knowing. A third of your time with people you have outgrown who keep you humble, a third with people alongside you. Loneliness is not a bad thing, only an unhealthy one if it controls you. Enlightenment comes and goes, and then there is the laundry. Say hello to the voice, thank it, and do nothing with it.

One thing to try: Spend twenty minutes alone on purpose today. Chosen, not accidental.

In this episode

• (0:03) The gift of loneliness, and the gift of solitude
• (2:56) Growing apart, and not knowing quite how it happened
• (4:51) The rough split of who you spend your time with
• (7:33) Whatever it is, even helping a family member
• (9:54) It is only unhealthy if it controls you
• (12:31) Enlightenment comes and goes, and then the laundry
• (14:41) Hi voice, how are you doing today?
• (19:42) The ego getting bored of being lonely

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Steven

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If you have one big purpose and have not found it, are you meant to be miserable until you do? You only have this moment. Next week is not available to you and neither is last year. Maybe your purpose right now is to sit with a friend and listen without loading up what you are going to say. The cup is always full and always empty at the same time.

One thing to try: Listen to one person today without preparing your reply while they talk.

In this episode

• (0:02) Finding purpose in presence
• (2:15) If you never find the big one, are you miserable forever?
• (4:41) You only have this moment. Next week is not yours yet
• (7:19) The spring is here, and it is not available next week
• (11:51) Maybe your purpose is a hug you have not given for a while
• (16:20) Sat with a friend, and your purpose is to listen
• (18:20) The cup is always full and always empty

With gratitude to

Harriet, Laura and Audra.

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Steven

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I thanked him, went round the corner, and was suddenly terrified. I have not had one since, partly because I understand it a bit now. I am only a chapter ahead of you. A panic attack is a human with a lot of emotion and nowhere to put it, and it can mask as a heart attack, which is why paramedics take it seriously. Your anxiety is not broken. It is a tap turned up too far.

One thing to try: When it comes, do not rush to fix it. It does not need fixing. It needs hearing.

In this episode

• (0:01) The email that started this episode
• (3:35) Round the corner on the way for a poppy, and terrified
• (5:22) Only a chapter ahead of you, which is why I can explain it
• (7:19) Ten minutes somewhere too loud, and needing to leave
• (8:49) What a panic attack actually is
• (10:02) It can mask as a heart attack, and often does
• (11:40) The four year old at the door who has to tell you something
• (16:40) Your anxiety is your companion, not your enemy

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Steven

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Make them wait for one breath. In hospital I used to stop breathing deliberately just to set the machine off, which tells you how bored I was. Every out breath is a small act of faith that there will be more air, because you would not let that one go otherwise. It is the gateway to now, and you can count to ten if you want something to aim at.

One thing to try: Breathe in and out and count them. See if you can reach ten before your mind wanders off.

In this episode

• (0:01) Returning to the breath, the simplest form of it
• (2:10) Not even deep breaths. My body knows how to breathe
• (3:20) Ten thousand people waiting, and making them wait one breath
• (5:10) You always have access to it, or you have a bigger problem
• (6:58) Stopping breathing on purpose to set the machine off
• (10:16) The gateway to now, and what is going on right now
• (11:45) Breathing in one, breathing out two, up to ten
• (13:42) Every out breath is an act of faith in the next one

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Steven

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Knowing others is intelligence, said Lao Tzu, and knowing yourself is wisdom. I do not know what kind of partner my daughter is, or what kind of colleague. I know one slice. Instead of asking how somebody is doing, ask what they have been up to and then ask again. Your recording of an event is not the event, and neither is theirs.

One thing to try: Ask one person a second question today. Not how are you. The one after that.

In this episode

• (0:01) Going deeper rather than building on the surface
• (4:37) Wanting the eternal, not the superficial we cannot control
• (6:56) Paddling along, saying do not worry about me, I am strong
• (9:14) Thirty second videos and headlines, and never digging
• (11:16) That train is not there to annoy you. It is a train
• (15:52) I do not know what kind of partner my daughter is
• (18:13) Tell me why that is rubbish, and let them explain
• (20:34) My recording of it is not the actual event

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Steven

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Seven or eight years old, before the indoctrination and the years of being told how things work. What books would he pick up if he knew he could? I spent ten years wanting to be an architect purely because a careers teacher thought I could manage it. Coming at today from my age, there are a few possibilities. Coming at it from his, there are a great deal more.

One thing to try: Ask your seven year old self what they would do about the thing in front of you.

In this episode

• (0:00) What I would tell my seven year old self
• (3:03) Seven or eight, and what that self actually knew
• (4:22) Dad fixes the problems, so I have to fix the problems
• (6:50) Without the indoctrination, how would you see it?
• (8:58) What books would the seven year old listen to?
• (10:57) Ten years wanting to be an architect, because of a teacher
• (13:00) Not the only voice, but a voice worth having
• (15:29) From his age, how many more possibilities are there?

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Steven

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I took the wheels off and put them back on, and my friend asked what I was doing. Same instinct. The bottom layer is what you enjoy and what you do not, and it can trap you in a limiting story. Above it come the beliefs from your family and everybody else. Imagine a torch at the bottom, and how you carry that light up through the layers is entirely your call.

One thing to try: Take one belief you hold and ask which layer it actually came from.

In this episode

• (0:00) Rediscovering your inner light, and living from an open heart
• (2:40) Putting the wheels back on, and my friend asking why
• (5:17) Deconstructing the ego, starting at the bottom layer
• (10:02) The foundation, and the limiting self stories it holds
• (12:34) The layer that came from your beliefs and your family
• (19:39) Thought and compassion at that level driving creativity
• (21:58) The torch at the bottom, and how you carry it up

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Steven

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We moved to Truro, into a caravan first, and I was bullied at school. I met him in town a couple of years ago and he said I had no idea how much I saved his life. I said yes, you used to beat me up on the way there. The harder one is me. I still feel like a burden even with paid carers, and that is shame I have not forgiven myself for yet. You cannot push pain away. It just keeps rumbling on underneath.

One thing to try: Pick one thing over the next fortnight and work on forgiving it. Start with yourself if that is the honest answer.

In this episode

• (0:01) Going back to basics on forgiveness
• (3:15) Moving to Truro, the caravan, and being bullied at school
• (5:13) Meeting him in town, and what he said to me
• (6:39) Still feeling like a burden, and the shame underneath it
• (9:45) You cannot push pain away, it keeps rumbling along
• (11:27) Have you really moved on, or have you just stopped looking
• (13:05) Not getting rid of it. Taking the lesson out of it
• (14:50) Reconciliation, including with yourself

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Steven

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I thought I could not do it. My mind goes from a branch to a bill to next Tuesday in about four seconds. The only time your mind genuinely stops is deep sleep, and you are not there for it. So there are three ways in. Focus, where you hold one thing, the breath or a candle. Open awareness, where you let it all come and go and do nothing with any of it. And intention, where you set what you want to carry into the day. There is a short guided go at all three inside the episode.

One thing to try: Count one breath in and one breath out. When the mind wanders, that is the practice, not the failure.

In this episode

• (2:49) Meditation for insight, not for self improvement
• (3:52) My mind does not shut off either
• (5:25) The only time it stops is deep sleep
• (8:06) Focus. One point, and that is all
• (9:20) Doing the dishes counts
• (10:19) The table of advisors in my head
• (12:52) Everybody says there is something in it, so I tried
• (13:56) The guided part starts here
• (17:38) Intention, and what you carry into the day

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Steven

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The mind is a flywheel and it stays on the same trajectory. Those thoughts are not even all yours. They are your dad's, your mum's, your teachers, everything that built the subconscious in the first place. At my lowest I asked what I would miss out on, and the answer was seeing my daughter again. Motivation is not fuel you buy. Nobody ever finds the motivation to meditate.

One thing to try: Stop waiting for motivation. Write down the thing you want on a piece of paper and start from there.

In this episode

• (0:02) Ian's email, and the questions this episode answers
• (2:10) How do you break the cycle, and where does motivation fit
• (4:47) The flywheel, and how hard it is to step off it
• (6:38) Reacting before your conscious mind has been consulted
• (9:48) Whose thoughts are they really? Your dad's. Your teachers'
• (11:10) What would I miss out on? Seeing my daughter again
• (13:03) Watch the thoughts and you find out you are not them
• (19:12) The gap, and how practice widens it

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Steven

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How many times have you heard somebody say get rid of the voice of fear? That voice wants you living a long and well fed life. It is not the enemy. The problem is we hand other people our light instead of shining it ourselves. You see it in groups too, including quiet Zen ones, where somebody is looking to be filled by the room.

One thing to try: Name what you admire in one person, then ask where that already exists in you.

In this episode

• (0:01) Seeing life a little bit different this week
• (4:32) Get rid of the voice of fear. Except you should not
• (6:47) You see it in religious groups, and in quiet Zen ones
• (8:52) Who you were drawn to, and what it tells you
• (11:08) Handing other people your light instead of shining it
• (13:20) What it looks like in your shoulders and your voice

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Steven

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Shout down the mountain and ask what they can see. Trees. That is not a lie, it is the view from where they are. You can see the shed in the distance because of where you happen to be standing. Both sides of the aisle care, and care deeply. We just stop asking what they can see and start telling them they are wrong.

One thing to try: In your next disagreement, ask what they can see before you tell them what you can.

In this episode

• (0:01) The first episode of the year, and 1999 for some reason
• (2:02) I can have a different truth to you, and both hold
• (3:17) The mountain, and shouting down to ask what they can see
• (5:26) Talking across the aisle, and not only about politics
• (6:39) The echo chamber, adding to a truth you already had
• (8:23) We do not like being wrong, and it shows
• (9:38) Our truths are not as far apart as we think
• (13:14) It is genuinely alright to disagree

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Steven

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If I am not my thoughts, then who is having them? That question went deep and never really left. We are the awareness of the thoughts, and the who I was turns out to be the important half of it. This is also a New Year's message, and I would rather you did not set resolutions. Find some balance and enjoy it instead.

One thing to try: Ask the question once and let it sit there. If I am not my thoughts, who is aware of them?

In this episode

• (0:02) Looking for a New Year's message worth making
• (2:09) Proud of them both, and out of hospital today
• (3:21) The book that changed things more than anything else
• (5:22) You are not your thoughts. So who is having them?
• (6:58) Never having separated my thoughts from who I was
• (8:49) Gandhi, and the answer he gave
• (10:26) The breakthroughs coming, and what humans have not seen yet
• (12:10) Working out how the mind runs, then bending the rules

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Steven

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The family members who trigger you are struggling with it too, in their own way, and mostly for reasons you cannot see. My daughter Kemba used to sit at the Christmas table aged seven and ask whether God was real. This one also carries the update after hospital, which was not a straightforward few months.

One thing to try: Pick three words you want to be over Christmas, and let those decide how you answer things.

In this episode

• (0:01) Where the listeners are wiser than the host
• (1:55) Kemba, who moved in at four and is as good as my daughter
• (3:41) Embracing the festive season, difficult as it is
• (5:27) You are not ruining Christmas by not feeling it
• (6:32) The family members who trigger you are struggling too
• (8:09) The three words I try to hold on to
• (9:34) A seven year old at the Christmas table asking about God
• (13:03) The reviews, and what they actually mean to me

With gratitude to

Mark Sangher, Sarah and Lizzie, and everybody who supports the podcast.

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Steven

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This one is recorded from hospital, so it is shorter and rougher than usual. Strength in vulnerability, peace in acceptance, power in the present. Those are not slogans to me, they are what is left when everything else is taken away for a while. I should have pulled the curtains for the noise.

One thing to try: Ask what is actually under your feet right now, and start only from there.

In this episode

• (0:00) Recording this one completely differently
• (1:29) Not even having to get out of bed to do it now
• (2:03) The pillars that hold the spirit up. Number one
• (3:49) Honour it, and its silent oath to keep you alive
• (4:39) The futility of resisting the now
• (5:34) Strength in vulnerability, peace in acceptance
• (6:17) Finding peace whatever the circumstances are
• (7:29) Thank you for joining me from a hospital bed

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Steven

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People go on silent retreats and still come back suffering. There is the snake in the dark that turns out to be a rope, and once the light is on you cannot unsee it. Somebody once told me I had a chip on my shoulder, and the truth was I did not think I had the right to ask the world for anything. I held deep shame about my accident. Reducing suffering is the honest goal. Getting rid of it is not on offer.

One thing to try: Name one voice in your head. Just name it. That is where it starts loosening.

In this episode

• (0:00) The ten thousand voices, and being tired of them
• (1:58) People who go on silent retreats and still suffer
• (3:48) The shifts that gave me actual freedom
• (5:01) The snake that turns out to be a rope, once the light is on
• (7:18) The four vows, and getting free of victimhood
• (11:43) Reducing suffering, not getting rid of it
• (15:00) Being told I had a chip on my shoulder
• (18:24) Not feeling I had the right to ask the world for anything

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Steven

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It is not broken. It is a perfect cathedral exactly as it is. You have something like fifty six thousand thoughts a day, constantly arriving, and none of that means you are faulty. If you are a brilliant reader that is one thing, and if you are not, that is not a defect. Every time I accepted a thought and accepted the feeling, something eased.

One thing to try: Sit for one minute in the morning and ask what it would mean to love yourself today.

In this episode

• (0:03) Loving ourselves, as individuals and as humans
• (4:30) Building the YouTube channel, and the number I am chasing
• (6:44) A perfect cathedral, with flaws in it, still perfect
• (8:45) Fifty six thousand thoughts a day, arriving constantly
• (11:12) Society telling you something is wrong when it is not
• (15:53) Accepting each thought as it came, and what changed
• (17:41) One minute a morning. What does loving myself mean?

With gratitude to

Senga, Audra, Sarah and Mark.

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Steven

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A second short update. I am doing much better. The thing about the human condition is that it does not come and go. Thoughts arise, illness arises, the body breaks down and improves and breaks down again. That is not a failure of practice, that is just being a person. The balance between what was going on outside and what was going on inside was not there for me, and when that goes, I end up letting myself down and letting other people down too. Back recording properly next week.

One thing to try: When you are rebuilding, do not rush back and pile the pressure straight back on.

In this episode

• (0:43) Sleeping again, and not falling asleep every two hours
• (1:18) The human condition does not come and go
• (1:56) The emails and messages that kept me going
• (2:37) The prize is the balance inside
• (3:18) It was quite bad for a while
• (3:57) What I have been putting on YouTube instead

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Steven

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This is a two minute update rather than an episode. It has been a rough two or three weeks and I deliberately took extra time out instead of piling more pressure on myself. I am aware I am making it sound bigger than it is. It is not big. It is just real. And if a teacher ever tells you they are sorted, done, and never have to work on themselves again, do not believe them for a minute. Back properly next week.

One thing to try: If you need to stop, stop. You do not owe anybody a performance of being fine.

In this episode

• (0:00) Why there has been no podcast
• (0:37) Taking extra time out on purpose
• (1:19) Trying to support you while going through it
• (1:47) Do not believe a teacher who says they are done
• (2:24) What is coming, and when I am back

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Steven

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Everything starts at a single point. One thought. Then a feeling gets added, then a story, then another story, and by the time you notice it, you are living near the top of the funnel with everybody else's stuff poured in too. You cannot do anything with a thought that is already three storeys up. But down at the point of origin it is just a thought. Four seconds of silence on a podcast is nothing, and by the top of the funnel it is a broken radio and a career ending.

One thing to try: When you catch yourself halfway up, name it. That is a story. Then go back down to the thought it started as.

In this episode

• (4:09) Why a funnel, and what widens as it goes
• (5:12) One thought, then feelings, then the 3D printer
• (6:27) Everything starts from a single point
• (7:36) Living near the top with everybody else's pressure
• (8:56) Halfway up the funnel and back to the point of origin
• (10:16) The emotions near the origin are different
• (11:21) Four seconds of silence and the story it becomes
• (13:51) How you get back down: you watch it happen

With gratitude to

Laurie

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Steven

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We have these incredible machines in our heads and we use them to gossip and complain. There is the small mind and the big mind, and you can step out of one into the other now and again. How do we live, how well do we love, how much do we learn to let go. Maybe the universe is having its own panic attack. You cannot be anything other than human, so enjoy being one.

One thing to try: Sit and observe one human thing you do today without judging it as good or bad.

In this episode

• (0:06) A hundred and one episodes in
• (4:32) You pay for this podcast to exist, so thank you
• (7:00) What does it mean to be human? Doing our best
• (9:03) There was no form to tick before you arrived
• (10:50) Big mind and small mind, and stepping between them
• (15:49) How do we live, how do we love, how do we let go
• (17:41) Maybe the universe is having a panic attack too
• (22:02) Hundreds of voices, all of them me, all talking at once

With gratitude to

Laura, the new member, and Claudette and Senga.

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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I had been kicked out of sixth form. The first attempt did not work, and I am glad it did not. Then that summer a friend took his own life, and it was the first time I lost anybody. I remember reversing back from the edge and telling myself I would give it another few days. I would have missed my daughter, who is pregnant now, due in January. Men look for more lethal means and men do not talk. Cry. Men cry because men care.

One thing to try: If this is you right now, give it another few days. That is all I did, and it turned out to be enough.

In this episode

• (0:03) A hundred episodes, alone, just me and the mic
• (1:58) Fifty years old, and why this one matters most
• (3:44) Kicked out of sixth form, and the hardest summer
• (5:06) The first attempt, and being glad it did not work
• (6:55) The first time in my life I lost somebody to suicide
• (8:52) Wanting everybody to know I loved them
• (10:04) Reversing back from the edge, and a few more days
• (11:41) My daughter, pregnant, and the gender reveal the other day

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Steven

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As you get older they get tired, and they have more to do than they used to. If they are cleaning up after a cigarette every night, they are not doing the other work. Give them fewer jobs and they catch up. The cravings fade on their own once you stop treating it as a war. Also, I entered a chilli eating contest, which I do not recommend.

One thing to try: Take one job off your body today. Only one. It does the rest itself.

In this episode

• (0:03) Ninety nine episodes, and a hundred next week
• (2:51) They get tired, and they have more to do than before
• (7:26) Back to the lungs again, and then they are too tired
• (9:53) An example of a healthy meal, before anybody sues me
• (12:32) Processing bad food, cleaning lungs, repairing cuts
• (14:43) The cravings fading once you stop fighting them
• (17:13) The chilli eating contest, coolest to hottest

With gratitude to

Deb, Martha and Jenna.

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Steven

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At one end of the stick are the little joyous moments, at the other the mundane and the hard. Narrow your range and the water clouds at the smallest stir. Spiritual bypassing wants to bin the bottom half of the stick, and you cannot. We never thank the kettle for the three hundred and sixty five times it worked, only shout at it the once it did not.

One thing to try: Thank one thing today that has simply been working. The kettle counts.

In this episode

• (0:03) Ninety eight episodes, and something special coming
• (1:43) The universality of it, and both ends of the stick
• (3:26) The little joyous moments, and the mundane hoovering
• (4:51) The small pond that muddies at the slightest stir
• (6:57) Spiritual bypassing, and wanting rid of the bottom half
• (7:55) That is very Zen master of you, isn't it
• (9:49) We never thank the kettle for the times it worked
• (11:27) Accept the whole thing and you get some control back

With gratitude to

Kelly, Steiner and Laura.

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Steven

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You have thirty to forty thoughts a minute, about forty thousand a day. The mind is not broken. And you would not want the switch anyway, because it would take the good thoughts with it. After two weeks my pain came back and my mind reminded me of every painful thing it had. So we stop trying to silence and start listening. The birds, next door's lawnmower, the air conditioning. It does not matter which.

One thing to try: Listen to one sound properly, all the way through, without deciding whether you like it.

In this episode

• (0:03) The myths about meditation, and quieting a busy mind
• (1:35) There is no off switch. Asking is like asking your heart to stop
• (4:54) You would not want rid of the thoughts you enjoy
• (6:21) Two weeks later my pain and my thoughts came straight back
• (8:01) The body starts asking whether you are even breathing right
• (9:40) Listen to the birds, the lawnmower, the air conditioning
• (14:27) Forty thousand thoughts a day, and a mind that is not broken
• (17:55) Why forty minutes on a cushion is not my approach

With gratitude to

Sandy, Nancy and Audrey.

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Steven

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Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. That is Kahlil Gibran and I believe it. I have broken bones and I have broken my neck, and I still say emotional pain is worse. You could break every bone in my body and it would not touch it. I drank. I did the wrong things. What moved me was accepting the moment for what it was. I took antidepressants for two years and they helped, and I would say only ever through a doctor. Music, books, anything that gives the mind one other thing to hold.

One thing to try: Your brain can only hold one thought at a time. Give it a better one for ten minutes.

In this episode

• (4:02) Autonomic dysreflexia, and what it does to me
• (6:40) No drink gets rid of emotional pain
• (7:42) Break every bone in my body and it is still not this
• (10:22) Two years of antidepressants, always through a doctor
• (12:40) You can only hold one thought at a time
• (13:46) Read anything. It does not have to be self help
• (19:08) The eight ways, one at a time
• (21:32) Heal first, or you take it into the next one
• (22:34) Thanks for the thought. Not getting on that one

With gratitude to

Nancy, Debbie, Laurie and Sarah

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Steven

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At 10:31pm I dived in, hit the bottom of the pool and broke my neck. People tell me what my life would have been. A family, a job, the lot. They do not know. Nor do I. When Edison's lab burned down his son found him watching it, and the legend says he was glad, because all his mistakes had burned up with it. Maybe the traffic jam is the reason you are not the accident. You do not know. That is not a consolation prize, that is the actual truth.

One thing to try: Take the hardest thing you have been through and list what it gave you. Strength counts.

In this episode

• (3:12) 10:31pm, the pool, and the sound of it
• (4:04) What people think my life would have been
• (5:28) Some days it is just the carer running late
• (6:34) The child who wanted the green one
• (7:31) Maybe you were not in the traffic jam. Maybe you were the traffic jam
• (10:12) Edison's lab on fire
• (11:30) All our mistakes burned up. We can start again
• (16:48) Coming up the hill and feeling the cold on my face
• (20:15) List the gifts. Then tell me what you got

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Steven

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I wanted the pain gone. Something stepped in and stopped me, and I am glad. Then a book taught me I am not my thoughts and things opened up, and suddenly a news story on the other side of the world could floor me. Empathy feels what they feel. Compassion says that must be tough and stays standing. Spiritual bypassing is the trap: love and light, deny the dark end, and you flatten the good end with it. The path is a bouncing ball, not a straight line, and it bounces less each time.

One thing to try: Next time somebody tells you something hard, do not match it with your own story. Say that must be tough and stay there.

In this episode

• (2:40) I am not religious, and what I do lean on
• (5:15) I wanted the pain gone. Something stopped me
• (6:16) The email that made me cry
• (7:48) Reading each paragraph thirty times, and falling asleep on it
• (8:56) Suddenly feeling the whole world's news
• (11:34) Empathy feels it. Compassion holds it
• (14:00) You are not there to fix their broken leg
• (18:00) Love and light, and what it denies
• (19:00) The spiritual path as a bouncing ball

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Steven

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I am learning Cornish and the history and I want more and more of it, so where is the line between interest and consuming? Controlling a little less makes everything easier. We already have what we need. I am enough, I have enough, I am at peace with myself and nature. Notice how fast you can go from consuming to that.

One thing to try: Leave one thing alone today that you would normally poke at. Watch it settle by itself.

In this episode

• (0:01) Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone
• (2:45) Changing it to virtual hugs, because I barely drink coffee
• (4:37) Learning Cornish, and wanting more and more of it
• (6:30) Being here now, without consuming or pushing back
• (8:48) Controlling a little less makes things so much easier
• (11:09) All my tapes in colour order, and my CDs numbered
• (13:17) I am enough. I have enough. I am at peace

With gratitude to

Lucy, Carol, Dawn, Sarah and Senga.

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Steven

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Life keeps getting more complicated and some days I am just keeping my head above water. Mother Teresa put it best to an audience of about three people. The roles pile up, professional and social, and each one carries its own expectations. Underneath them there are core principles, and you are probably all of them at different times.

One thing to try: List the roles you played today. Just list them. The number is usually the surprise.

In this episode

• (0:02) Life getting more complicated, and keeping your head above water
• (2:46) Getting the whole back catalogue available
• (4:48) Employee, colleague, manager, leader, mentor, doctor
• (6:39) Councillor, mayor, and loving not being one now
• (9:07) Mother Teresa, to an audience of about three
• (11:17) The list of core principles, longer than I expected

With gratitude to

Jack, Virginia and Ashley.

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Steven

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If a child came to me talking that way about themselves I would not stand for a second of it. Self love is not standing in front of a mirror saying you are great. It is being less harsh. It is opening your heart to the fact that you are human, with crazy thoughts and fluctuating energy. I am not the most amazing human in the world. I am here and I am doing my best.

One thing to try: Say the next critical thought out loud, then ask whether you would say it to a child.

In this episode

• (0:02) The inner critic having a go, and what self love even means
• (4:49) It has inside information. It knows what you really think
• (7:05) If a child said that about themselves I would not stand for it
• (8:41) Self love is just being kind about being human
• (10:58) I am not the most amazing human. But I am showing up
• (13:28) Giving yourself space to be yourself without the criticism
• (15:28) Maybe I am projecting. Maybe others are not worried at all

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Steven

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When I sit with other councillors and other mayors, the voice says I am not intelligent enough to be there. Then there is the opposite, the Dunning Kruger side, where you know a little and overestimate wildly. I have done both, plenty of times. Anybody genuine has the self doubt. The difference is whether you say it out loud to somebody.

One thing to try: Tell one person the self doubt. Not to be fixed. Just to have said it to somebody.

In this episode

• (0:03) Imposter syndrome, and overcoming it almost instantly
• (2:28) Dunning Kruger, and how it sits alongside it
• (4:41) Sitting with other councillors and other mayors
• (6:31) Hearing that Richard Branson has the same fear
• (9:12) Overestimating yourself when you are the expert
• (13:12) Being totally dismissive of it in my twenties
• (17:36) Knowing what really goes on in my own head
• (21:47) Share it. Not to be fixed, just to be heard

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Steven

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Have you ever watched something so much that their voices end up in your head? I have lists and lists that never got done, because my brain believes it already did them. I go to bed with all of it running. There is also visual noise, the stuff in the room your eyes keep processing whether you asked them to or not.

One thing to try: Write the whole list down tonight. All of it. Your brain stops carrying what it can see.

In this episode

• (0:03) Uncluttering the mind, and finding stillness in the noise
• (2:33) Seeing one of the doctors in a completely different setting
• (5:22) Binge watching until their voices are in your head
• (7:33) Not thinking about council meetings. More room in my head
• (10:21) What happens from the front of your brain to the back
• (14:56) Lists never finished, because my brain thinks they are done
• (17:01) Write down all of it, then prioritise
• (19:40) Visual noise, and why it tires you out

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Steven

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Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. That is Martin Luther King, and it is the whole episode. Somebody slams a door on you, cuts you up on the road, and you want to phone everybody and post it. Two hours later you wish you had not. Nobody made you angry. You chose it, fast, but you chose it. Strong words are expensive to your own peace. If their behaviour decides your behaviour, you are not free at all.

One thing to try: Pause and take one breath before you respond. Then ask who you want to be in this.

In this episode

• (4:16) My daughter, the van, and a heated text row
• (5:06) When we are triggered and we want revenge
• (6:42) Two hours later, I wish I had not said that
• (7:41) Did they make me angry, or did I choose it
• (9:16) Be that person, whatever life throws
• (11:53) Compassionate, caring and wise. What I aim for
• (15:13) Anger is expensive to your inner peace
• (16:34) If they control your reaction, you are not free
• (21:16) The Buddha, the poison and who drinks it

With gratitude to

Senga, Holly, Trish Murphy, Blackwell JK, and Steven Webb, my namesake

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Steven

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All the presents from Father Christmas in one wrapping, on the bottom of the bed. The first time they wheeled me out through the front doors of the spinal unit, the same doors the air ambulance had brought me in through. And Bronnie Ware's five regrets of the dying, top of the list being the courage to live a life true to yourself.

One thing to try: Ring somebody you have not rung for a while. That is the little thing.

In this episode

• (0:02) Enjoy the little things, for one day they were the big things
• (1:56) I will cry at anything, including television adverts
• (4:58) Bring a coffee, sit down, and talk for half an hour
• (6:43) Father Christmas, one wrapping paper, bottom of the bed
• (10:09) Being told my limit was far less than I thought
• (11:28) Out the front doors for the first time since the air ambulance
• (14:17) Bronnie Ware, and the five regrets of the dying
• (17:49) The park she asked to stop at, and always being told no

With gratitude to

Sarah Dunn, Sarah, Nate and Christine, for the coffees. And Audra, for sharing her story.

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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At school I got on with plenty of people and there were always groups cooler than me. So we change who we are instead of finding out who we are. We are born a blank canvas and everybody hands us their colours. Einstein's parents told him not to go near physics. What matters most to me is independence, somebody being able to make their own decisions, and when I am near that my actions and feelings stop fighting each other.

One thing to try: Ask what actually drives you, then ask how that person would show up at an awkward family barbecue.

In this episode

• (0:02) The Brene Brown line that started this one off
• (1:59) Those conversations where you unexpectedly click
• (3:40) School, and the groups that were always cooler than me
• (5:09) Changing who we are instead of finding out who we are
• (8:16) The blank canvas, and everybody handing you their colours
• (9:51) Einstein's parents telling him not to do physics
• (16:18) Independence, and why I am so passionate about it
• (20:38) Discovering your why, because you only get the one life

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

I watched a talk about shame years ago and thought it was about other people. It took me years to accept an electric wheelchair. When mine was dying, fifteen years old with the steering gone, I still could not ask. I told myself those people getting help were not like me, because I was the idiot who dived into a pool. You can dig forever and always find something. The wisdom is knowing when to stop digging.

One thing to try: Notice one moment today where you say no thanks automatically, and say yes instead.

In this episode

• (0:00) Talking about shame, and where it hides
• (2:10) Watching it years ago and thinking it was about other people
• (4:33) Years before I would accept an electric wheelchair
• (9:09) No, I am okay thank you, and disappearing quickly
• (13:12) The chair dying, fifteen years old, steering gone
• (15:24) Telling myself I did not belong in that group
• (19:36) I was the idiot who dived into the pool
• (22:04) You can dig forever. Wisdom is knowing when to stop

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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The instinctual mind checks whether you are about to die. The subconscious stores everything from birth in vivid detail and asks what happened last time, and if it did not kill you, it does it again. That is where every habit you have comes from. Only then does the human mind get a say, and often the decision is already made. None of them are your enemy. They are just not looking after you for the reasons you assume. Also, you are living about a tenth of a second behind reality. All of us are.

One thing to try: Next time you are angry, say it out loud. I am feeling angry, and my mind wants to do that. Then watch what happens.

In this episode

• (3:55) The instinctual mind and what it costs to get past it
• (5:29) The subconscious stores it vividly so you never repeat it
• (6:31) Why a smell or a song brings the fear back
• (7:37) If it did not kill you, do it again. That is a habit
• (10:29) One plus one, and why you did not work it out
• (12:32) If the human mind had been there, you would not have done it
• (17:33) The two speakers experiment
• (18:54) Everything you see happened a tenth of a second ago
• (22:59) Why I stopped arguing with my sister

With gratitude to

Katherine, and Jesse's Girl in Australia for the reviews

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

I was listening to My Way and hearing the words properly for the first time. So I asked what I would teach now that I wish I had known earlier. Time is the one thing you cannot buy back. Love and connection are what actually matter, and you can feel closer to somebody a thousand miles away than to somebody in the room. Failure is normal. Everything is temporary, including this. Live with purpose, and you will know it is yours because nobody has to beg you to do it.

One thing to try: Pick the lesson on the list you are worst at. Do one small thing about it today.

In this episode

• (1:23) Nothing reminds you that you are alive like death
• (3:45) My Way, and hearing the words properly
• (7:43) The kettle just works, and we never notice
• (8:48) Love and connection are what truly matter
• (11:16) Nobody tells you it is going to be this hard
• (15:26) It is a road, not a destination
• (18:46) Everything is temporary. Even this
• (21:25) Live with purpose. You will know when it is yours
• (24:12) All ten, back to back

With gratitude to

Sarah and Kelly

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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Marcus Aurelius had this two thousand years ago. Tell yourself in the morning that you will meet the meddling and the ungrateful. I was in a queue at the chemist with my sister and somebody went straight in front of me. There is a voice that wants them to know they wronged me. But every ship makes a wake and no ship controls its own wake. You do not have to add fuel. There is real strength in staying calm while everybody else loses it.

One thing to try: When somebody is rude, ask one question. Are they hot, cold, skint, frightened? Then let the wake pass.

In this episode

• (4:12) Marcus Aurelius, two thousand years ago
• (5:31) The queue at the chemist with my sister
• (6:36) The part of me that wants them to know
• (7:32) Maybe they were on an important call
• (10:28) Everybody is distracted and doing their best
• (11:42) You cannot help making a wake
• (13:52) How much compassion have you really got
• (20:27) The best answer to anger is silence

With gratitude to

Jennifer, Laura and Audra

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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I got to a point where I could not do it any more. Deep shame, and the pain was enormous. So I started reading again after thirty years, and every single book said the same thing. Meditate. And I could not. Asking your mind to shut up is like asking your heart to stop beating. What actually worked was smaller. Ask what you are feeling. Notice it. Do nothing with it. Sit and let the thoughts pass like traffic while you stay on the bench.

One thing to try: Two minutes. Ask what you can hear beyond this podcast, and do not do anything with the answer.

In this episode

• (2:46) The point where I could not do it any more
• (3:47) Reading books again after thirty years
• (5:08) Deep shame, and how low I actually was
• (6:15) Every book said meditate. I said not me
• (7:49) Asking your mind to shut up is asking your heart to stop
• (8:45) How am I feeling, right now
• (10:30) You do not have to do anything with it
• (12:50) What can you hear beyond my voice
• (14:07) Judging thoughts is judging cars going past a bench

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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I did not want to record this one. You get up, you put the kettle on, it clicks, it boils, you pour the coffee and you sit down, and not one part of that got a moment's notice. Go deeper. The person who made it. The people who mined the metal. Do the same with the shirt you have on, the cotton, the field, the till it was sold at. That is when it stops being a gratitude list and starts being genuinely overwhelming. And the Buddha put gratitude on the path itself, not beside it.

One thing to try: Pick one ordinary object today and follow it all the way back. Stop when you feel it.

In this episode

• (2:45) What the Buddha said about gratitude
• (3:51) Desire, attachment and where the suffering comes in
• (6:19) If you take one thing away, take this
• (7:56) A fire alarm needs action. A feeling does not
• (9:15) I would not be who I am if it had not happened
• (15:05) The bedroom upstairs I have not seen since I was eighteen
• (18:48) The kettle clicks and nobody notices
• (20:01) It will overwhelm you at first
• (22:48) The shirt, the cotton, the field, the till

With gratitude to

Laura

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk