The Art of We

127. Cancer, Embodiment & Erotic Return with Melissa Michaels

Thu, 25 Sep 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this powerful and deeply intimate episode of The Art of We, Krista sits down with visionary movement educator Melissa Michaels to explore the intersection of sexuality, embodiment, and healing—through the lens of Melissa’s late-stage ovarian cancer journey. What unfolds is a story of profound transformation, where trauma, loss, and surgery become portals into deeper intimacy, love, physical pleasure and devotion to life force.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and guest Melissa Michaels

00:00 — Intro

00:55 — Melissa’s cancer diagnosis story and background

06:15 — The ritual of preparing for surgery & calling in community

09:46 — The post-surgery declaration

12:19 — Intimacy, partnership, and scarred bodies

15:34 — How Melissa worked with pain and chemo

23:12 — Building intimacy with others & the sacredness of presence

25:36 — Chemotherapy: grief, gratitude, and identity shifts

28:21 — Reclaiming sexuality and orgasm after cancer

33:04 — The long road back to intimacy and physical connection

36:36 — Balancing solitude and partnership with devotion to aliveness

40:58 — Melissa’s guidance for returning home to your body

46:19 — What this journey taught her about love, humanity, and the path forward

50:22 — Where to learn more about Melissa's work & the short film Twisted Gift

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

126. The Circle: A Real-Time Practice for Women to Lead Without Apology (with Barbs Edwards)

Thu, 26 Jun 2025 05:00:00 -0700

If you’re a woman who feels like you’re performing, over-managing others’ comfort, or doubting your leadership instincts—this episode is for you. Krista and her colleague Barbs Edwards, introduce The Circle: a transformational women’s group experience based on T-Group methodology. Together they explore how this real-time relational practice helps women track their inner experience, speak with clarity and care, and break free from old patterns like people-pleasing, over-controlling, or self-doubt. You’ll hear personal stories, practical insights, and why collaborative, emotionally intelligent leadership is more needed now than ever.

(00:00) – Why women don’t have impostor syndrome—they have undervalued leadership styles

(02:13) – Guest Barbs Edwards

(05:21) – What is T-Group

(06:59) – Speaking only what’s true

(08:54) – Tracking yourself vs. managing others

(10:24) – Why this work helps women stop performing

(12:22) – Barbs’ personal story: finally shifting lifelong patterns

(17:05) – Krista’s journey through corporate gender bias and self-doubt

(21:37) – Real-time feedback: How others actually experience you

(34:07) – How The Circle accelerates growth

(36:17) – How to join a free Taster Circle (virtual or in-person)

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

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125. Our Partnership Mindset For Resilience During Hard Times

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this honest and heartfelt episode of The Art of We, Krista and Will unpack the mindset shift that’s helping them meet uncertainty and stress with strength. Instead of reacting from “life is in the way,” they explore how choosing a “this is on the way” perspective changes everything, especially in partnership. From grief to bypassing to finding meaning, they share real tools and reflections for returning to a higher set point, together.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Intro and relational check-in: chaos, uncertainty, & weird coping rituals

(03:35) Life update for our listeners

(05:55) How to stay aligned during life intensity

(06:42) From “in the way” to “on the way”

(08:04) Suffering & the narratives we choose

(09:15) Complaining & bypassing

(11:28) Emotional honesty & recommitting

(13:37) Respecting real grief & hardship

(14:45) Viktor Frankl, responsibility, & reclaiming narrative power

(16:07) What matters most in partnership

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!

Resources Mentioned:

● Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

● Viktor Frankl Book

Get in Touch:

● The Art Of We Website

● TheArt of We Instagram

● Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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124. Date Nights, Honest Sex & Deepening Intimacy with Shana James

Thu, 15 May 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode of The Art of We, Krista is joined by longtime friend and renowned relationship coach Shana James for a candid, heartfelt conversation about cultivating deeper intimacy in partnership. From redefining what sex actually means to designing date nights that create more presence, pleasure, and connection — we talk about insights and tools that might just shift how you think about intimacy, sex, and what’s possible in your relationship. This episode is full of heart-opening perspectives on what it really means to be intimate with another human being.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(02:13) Welcome Shana James

(04:13) Impact of growing up without emotional intimacy

(06:42) The question that changed Shana’s client’s relationship

(07:02) What is intimacy, really?

(09:57) Shana’s 7-date night ritual

(12:15) Creating turn-on by removing pressure

(14:07) Practicing presence and attunement in intimacy

(17:46) Prioritizing intention for opening more possibility

(20:00) Perimenopause, stress, and shifting desire

(26:53) Breaking inherited relational patterns

(32:36) When your partner shuts down or isn’t growth-minded

(35:36) Calling your partner into their greatness

(43:33) Redefining sex

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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123. Abundant Repair: Our Agreement That Turns Conflict Into Connection

Thu, 24 Apr 2025 05:00:00 -0700

When conflict arises in a relationship, do you retreat, explode, or sweep it under the rug? We unpack one of our foundational relationship agreements: to Repair Abundantly. We explore how the ability to fully and lovingly repair after conflict is the difference between surviving and thriving—and how the right kind of repair doesn’t just restore connection, it deepens it. We share personal stories, listener questions, and the real-life impact of doing this work together, especially when triggers come up again (and again).

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Why this is one of our most essential agreements

(01:40) What repair means to us (and how it’s different than just “making up”)

(03:30) Attachment theory and the 3 phases

(05:28) How repair can leave you more connected than before the conflict

(07:22) What happens when repair isn’t mutual or complete

(10:38) “What if I’m always the one to initiate repair?”

(13:02) Attachment dynamics in conflict

(15:10) Why shared purpose in your relationship is essential

(17:26) “What if the same trigger keeps coming up?”

(19:44) When to seek deeper therapy or examine incomplete repairs

(21:10) A call to mutual growth, grace, and staying in the conversation

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
Getting To Zero by Jayson Gaddis

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

122. Always Find Possibility: Our Game-Changing Agreement for When Life Gets Hard

Thu, 17 Apr 2025 05:00:00 -0700

What if one agreement could shift how you move through perceived limitations, everyday stuckness, and painful patterns in your relationship? Krista and Will dive into their relationship agreement, “To Always Find Possibility.” Whether it's health issues, career crossroads, or relational tension, this simple yet powerful commitment has helped them stay connected, creative, and forward-moving—even when things seem hopeless. Tune in for real-life examples, practical insights, and an invitation to transform how you face challenges with your partner.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The origin of the agreement

(02:30) What “always find possibility” means

(05:45) Why this agreement applies to every area of life

(08:50) Real-life example: Krista’s health scare

(12:20) Bypassing or real possibility?

(14:45) When one partner can't see the way through

(17:40) How this agreement affects parenting, career, and decisions

(20:55) Why this isn’t just toxic positivity

(23:45) What to do if your partner doesn’t think this way

(27:00) How agreements like this turn into anchoring tools during crisis

(30:00) Addressing polarization

(32:15) The power of staying in the conversation

(34:00) An invitation for listeners

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

121. Addressing Passive-Aggressive Comments (Replay)

Thu, 03 Apr 2025 05:00:00 -0700

About the Episode:

Addressing passive-aggressive comments like a ninja is highly satisfying. It can stop the aggressor in their shoes and wake them up to the impact they’re having. Most passive-aggressive comments are simply unskilled communications of negative feelings. By directly and neutrally addressing passive aggressiveness, we can support each other to grow as human beings.

In episode 121 of the Art of We podcast, we get into the nuanced terrain of passive aggressiveness in both personal and professional relationships. Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer discuss its subtle nature and how it can operate under a veneer of politeness, making it challenging to detect and address. They dive into the psychological underpinnings of why individuals resort to such behavior, highlighting the cultural lack of effective tools for expressing negative feelings directly.

The hosts share practical strategies, share personal anecdotes, and role-play scenarios to illustrate how to respond to passive aggression in a way that fosters understanding and growth rather than perpetuating a cycle of negativity. They advocate for an approach that involves acknowledging the impact of such comments, expressing one's feelings without aggression, and seeking to understand the underlying needs of the other person.

A must listen for:

Individuals in leadership positions who deal with other humans :)
Partners who have a hard time communicating their needs and wants skillfully
People who have a family or community that has a habit of passive-aggressive behavior
Anyone who loves to grow!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review, & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate it with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

120. Turning Triggers Into Healing: Our Real-Life IFS Breakthrough at Richard Schwartz’s Retreat

Thu, 27 Mar 2025 05:00:00 -0700

What if the parts of us we feel most ashamed of—our tender, young, vulnerable selves—were actually the doorway to greater sovereignty and connection in our partnerships? In this deeply personal episode, we share a very real moment from our recent IFS (Internal Family Systems) retreat with Richard Schwartz, where an old, exiled part of me got triggered in a big way. But instead of spiraling into conflict or disconnection, we used our agreements and IFS tools to move through it—together. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling unseen, insignificant, or overly sensitive in your relationship, this episode is for you.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Fairness in holding space

(01:14) Setting the stage: Krista’s trigger

(03:41) A pattern re-emerges: Feeling invisible

(07:47) A call for support

(11:04) Stepping into an IFS process together

(12:27) Krista’s breakthrough: Meeting a 3-year-old exiled part

(15:40) From shame to shared understanding

(17:34) Witnessing the root together

(20:08) Why this moment changed the trigger

(20:45) Turning triggers into healing: The power of a supportive partner

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

119. IFS for Couples: Why Understanding Your “Parts” Changes Everything

Thu, 20 Mar 2025 05:00:00 -0700

Ever feel like your emotions take over during conflict? What if there was an easier way to navigate tough conversations? In this episode, we dive into Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a powerful approach to understanding the different "parts" of ourselves and how they show up in relationships. We share how this model has transformed our ability to work through triggers, deepen our connection, and show up for each other's growth in a way that fosters security and desire.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) – The power of how we phrase emotions

(00:38) – Exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS)

(01:20) – How we use IFS in our partnership and why

(03:38) – What are “parts” in IFS?

(06:27) – Uncovering the hidden parts of ourselves

(07:10) – The hero, the critic, and the scared child

(08:14) – How trauma shapes our inner system and leads to self-sabotage

(10:20) – Why IFS is a game-changer for couples

(12:06) – How IFS prevents CO-dependency and strengthens the “we”

(14:45) – The importance of shared language in partnerships

(15:50) – Conflict repair: Naming our parts de-personalizes triggers

(17:07) – How IFS turned a potential rupture into connection

(19:04) – Holding each other's parts together vs. rejecting them

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

118. How Separateness Affects Desire & Discovering What Truly Keeps the Spark Alive

Thu, 13 Mar 2025 05:00:00 -0700

Does absence REALLY make the heart grow fonder? In this episode, we explore the role of separateness in fueling desire in long-term relationships and uncover the deeper factors that truly spark passion in a thriving partnership. Plus, we share a personal story about how the movie The Substance nearly led to a major rupture between us—but ultimately revealed profound insights about what really creates and sustains desire in our relationship.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Welcome!

(00:35) Listener question: Does separateness fuel desire in long-term relationships?

(01:40) What actually happens in our experience of being apart?

(02:53) The science of why we automate our partners

(03:57) How our brains conserve energy and why it affects attraction

(05:40) Time apart doesn’t always create desire

(06:44) The hidden gifts of separateness

(07:42) The danger of relying on separateness for passion

(08:25) A surprising relationship challenge

(09:59) Power dynamics, objectification, and emotional triggers in media

(11:22) What actually fuels our desires

(14:30) Why deep emotional work can create attraction & intimacy

(15:52) The key question: What actually fuels your desire in partnership?

(16:30) Turning real connection into lasting attraction

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

117. Over-Merging & Hyper-Independence: The Path to Secure Love

Thu, 06 Mar 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, we dive into over-merging in relationships, exploring the difference between healthy interdependence and codependency. Hear how attachment styles shape connection, balancing differing needs for contact, and prioritizing different needs for contact. We share our personal experiences of the power of co-regulation and how couples can create agreements that support both individuals and the we of their partnership. This episode offers valuable insights and practical tools to help you and your partner thrive.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Over-or-under merging is a path of development

(01:20) What is "the We"?

(02:44) The effects of over-merging

(03:45) Influence of Attachment styles

(06:37) Healthy individuation as a key relationship goal

(08:47) When a need for contact is covering up a deeper wound

(11:00) Taking responsibility for our own wounds

(11:34) How supporting each other’s healing strengthens the partnership

(13:53) Does the We always default to the highest need for contact?

(16:43) The power of co-regulation in a relationship

(18:24) Developing auto-regulation and self-soothing practices

(19:50) Defining your shared purpose as a couple

(21:51) The importance of self-awareness

(23:06) Final thoughts and listener appreciation

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

116. The Art of Money with Bari Tessler (Pt 2): Money Dates, Money & Parenting, Different Earning Power

Thu, 27 Feb 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In part 2, Bari Tessler shares her framework for Couples Money Dates, how to navigate power imbalances when one partner earns more, financial polarization & hidden money dynamics, the mental & emotional loads of money in partnerships, how to teach kids about money (without passing down shame), somatic tools to shift your relationship with money. If you want more financial intimacy, clarity, and teamwork in your partnership, this one’s for you!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Power, control, and financial conditions in childhood

(02:09) Money and power dynamics in relationships

(04:28) The first step to financial healing

(10:51) Navigating financial inequality in partnerships & gender role expectations

(12:01) Mental load, household labor & financial responsibility

(15:45) Financial shifts in long-term relationships & life transitions

(19:36) Couples Money Dates: The 4 phases for financial intimacy & teamwork

(29:23) Releasing shame & continually evolving

(30:28) Teaching kids about money

(34:33) How to talk to kids about financial privilege

(37:24) Turning toward money conversations rather than avoiding them

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

115. The Art of Money with Bari Tessler (Pt 1): Money Shame, Financial Polarization & Enneagram Types

Thu, 20 Feb 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, financial therapy pioneer Bari Tessler joins us to explore the deep connections between money, shame, and relationships. Hear how money stories and family lineage shape financial behaviors, why couples often polarize around money, and how the Enneagram can offer insight into financial dynamics. Bari emphasizes the power of financial therapy and somatic practices in healing and empowerment around money.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Money stories and lineage influences

(00:23) Intro to Bari Tessler

(04:27) Life phases & money decisions

(06:07) Navigating income fluctuations

(07:36) The power of open financial conversations in couples

(08:38) Understanding money shame & its impact

(10:52) Why somatic therapy & financial therapy

(13:05) Healing shame about money

(14:50) Somatic awareness & money conversations

(20:52) Money struggles in helping professions

(25:48) Family & culture influences on money

(27:13) Enneagram types & money

(30:39) How money work reveals new insights in partnerships

(31:58) Why couples polarize around money

(36:05) Identifying financial polarizations in couples

(36:38) Introduction to Couples Money Dates for financial alignment

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

114. Power, Attachment & Secure Functioning with Ellen Boeder

Thu, 13 Feb 2025 05:00:00 -0700

Relationship therapist and couples coach Ellen Boeder joins us to explore the intersection of attachment, power dynamics, and secure functioning in partnerships. We discuss how power imbalances can emerge in relationships, the difference between secure and insecure functioning, and how couples can cultivate true mutuality.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Why secure functioning matters in relationships

(03:26) What defines secure vs. insecure relationships?

(06:22) How power struggles emerge in insecure relationships

(09:37) Three key factors that shape relationship dynamics

(13:20) The role of trust, safety, and confidence in a secure partnership

(16:29) Why repair is the key to lasting security in relationships

(19:12) How resentment builds over time

(22:03) How unresolved relationship struggles affect personal growth

(26:41) Unspoken power dynamics: How to recognize and address them

(30:55) The difference between equity and equality in partnerships

(33:11) Why agreements are essential for long-term success

(36:04) Building a secure relationship with yourself as a foundation for partnership

(38:23) Final thoughts: The power of conscious relationship modeling

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

113. How Specific Agreements Create Deep Personal Healing in Relationships

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, we explore how small yet intentional agreements can help heal deep relational wounds and foster secure, connected partnerships. We share our personal experiences with one of our core relationship agreements and how it has transformed our injuries from the past. Through this lens, we invite listeners to reflect on your own insecurities and explore how agreements can be a powerful tool for healing, trust, and deeper intimacy.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction: How small agreements can heal deep relational wounds

(02:23) The power of secure functioning: Why this agreement matters

(03:39) Will’s experience: Healing past wounds through loving “hellos”

(06:23) The importance of eye contact and intentional connection when reuniting

(06:53) Krista’s experience: The impact of past loss and saying “goodbye with care”

(08:29) How practicing intentional goodbyes builds trust and security

(09:36) Where do insecurities show up in your relationship? A reflection for listeners

(10:42) Identifying personal wounds and creating agreements to heal them

(12:58) Balancing personal preferences and mutual care in a partnership

(14:51) Final reflections: The impact of small actions on long-term intimacy

(15:21) Closing thoughts: Inviting listeners to explore new agreements

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

112. Practicing Mutuality: Relational Agreements for Healing Cultural Conditioning

Thu, 30 Jan 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Krista and Will Van Derveer dive into the power of relational agreements and how they help couples navigate cultural conditioning, power dynamics, and historical wounds. They share their personal journey of creating a partnership built on mutuality and responsibility—key ingredients for a thriving, purpose-driven relationship. Tune in for insights on how agreements can foster growth, repair, and deeper connection in your own relationship.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction: Why mutuality and cultural conditioning matter in relationships

(02:15) The origin of their relational agreements and how they became wedding vows

(06:45) Why agreements are essential for navigating challenges and preventing resentment

(09:30) Overcoming gendered conditioning: Housework, emotional labor, and sharing responsibility

(14:20) Personal reflections: How past wounds shape relational dynamics

(18:45) The power of speaking up: Creating a safe space for emotional expression

(22:15) How agreements help rewrite the stories we carry from past relationships

(26:40) Practical steps: How to start creating mutual agreements with your partner

(30:20) Conversation prompts: How to surface unspoken dynamics and unmet needs

(35:00) Final thoughts: The importance of evolving agreements as relationships grow

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

111. Navigating Sexual Approaches: Unspoken Gender Dynamics and Trauma Triggers

Thu, 23 Jan 2025 05:00:00 -0700

In this heartfelt episode, we explore the delicate dynamics of sexual approaches in relationships, diving into how cultural conditioning, gender roles, and personal trauma can create friction. We share our own challenges, uncovering misunderstandings and the steps we’re taking to heal and grow. If you’ve faced similar struggles or want to deepen your intimacy, this episode offers relatable insights and practical tools to foster safety, connection, and collaboration.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Setting the stage for an intimate and important conversation

(01:58) Exploring gender dynamics & cultural conditioning in sexual approaches

(03:53) Discrepancy in sexual agency: Social & cultural patterns that prioritize male desire

(07:18) Past trauma and its influence on intimacy

(11:48) Animalistic side of male sexuality and its cultural roots

(16:07) How trauma triggers show up in sexual approaches

(23:54) Tools for creating safety: Collaborating to build trust and openness in intimacy

(24:56) Scheduled intimacy vs. spontaneity

(28:32) Reflective questions for listeners to explore in their own relationship

(29:30) The importance of slowing down and co-creating safety in relationships

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

110. Special Announcement For Our Listeners!

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer announce a new series focusing on creating equitable partnerships. They discuss taking a brief break until mid-January 2025 and announce updated "Top 10 Agreements" available on their website. The episode emphasizes their commitment to exploring power dynamics, fairness, and mutual success in relationships, particularly from their perspective as a heterosexual couple. They share questions for the listeners to reflect on regarding equity in their own relationships during the holiday break.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(0:00) - The importance of conscious conversations about equity in partnerships

(3:11) - Will discusses the historical context of power dynamics in relationships and their commitment to fairness

(4:19) - Why chose to pursue an equitable partnership despite social norms

(5:24) - Podcast break explanation and plans to return mid-January 2025

(7:21) - Reflection questions for listeners about equity in their relationships

(8:43) - The importance of honest self-reflection in partnerships

(10:05) - Discussion of year-end review and goal assessment

(10:47) - Closing remarks and holiday wishes

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

109. Will: Random + Uncensored

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In this unique and candid episode, Will is interviewed by Krista about the inner workings of relationship and his personal journey toward creating a thriving partnership. Through spontaneous questions and random sentence stems, Will shares vulnerably about navigating challenges – from bathroom counter disputes to deeper questions of maintaining connection – and offers practical wisdom for anyone seeking to build a more conscious and fulfilling relationship.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(0:00) Opening reflection on how people make meaningful changes in relationships

(3:22) Will shares his journey from feeling alone in previous partnerships to discovering the possibility of healthy interdependence

(6:24) Discussion of how to handle daily conflicts while maintaining connection

(12:06) Practical advice for developing better listening skills and emotional range in relationships

(15:10) Will reveals what initially attracted him to Krista beyond physical attraction - depth and generous connection

(20:02) Vulnerable exploration of relationship challenges, including managing contact and connection

(23:01) Closing thoughts on empathy and understanding others' perspectives as key to better relationships

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

108. When 'Thinking Positive' Keeps You Stuck in Bad Relationship Patterns

Thu, 21 Nov 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Are you an ambitious, growth-oriented person who finds yourself stuck in frustrating relationship patterns? In this episode of The Art of We podcast, we explore how positive thinking—usually an asset for high achievers—can actually become a relationship blind spot. Learn how to distinguish between healthy optimism and "false positivity" that keeps you invested in misaligned partnerships or painful relationship patterns, and discover practical ways to create the deeply fulfilling relationship you truly desire.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer & Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Warning signs of false positivity: Recognizing cycles of hope & hopelessness in relationships

(01:25) The achievement trap: “Fixing" relationship problems solo instead of addressing them with partners

(03:58) The hidden costs of conflict avoidance: Self-development as an excuse to avoid necessary relationship conversations

(11:18) Actions vs. words: Pay attention to your partner's behavior, not their promises

(14:22) The maturity factor: Moving from hope/despair cycles to grounded conversations about relationship goals

(17:14) Essential self-reflection questions: Are you using positivity to mask relationship misalignment?

(20:06) The power of outside perspective: Trusted friends are crucial for seeing relationship patterns clearly

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

107. Sacred Sexuality: More Wholeness, Healing & Connection With Amanda Testa

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Join us as we dive deep into sacred sexuality with sex coach Amanda Testa, sharing our own journey of conscious intimacy alongside practical guidance for healing sexual trauma and embracing authentic pleasure. Whether single or partnered, discover how trauma-informed tantric practices can transform relationships and create more personal and interpersonal wholeness by breaking free from cultural conditioning and performative behaviors. From male performance anxiety to embodiment practices, we openly explore the challenges and breakthroughs in creating safe, conscious sexual experiences that honor both partners' wholeness.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer & Dr. Will Van Derveer

(0:00) Episode overview

(2:18) From Debutante to Sex Coach: Unlearning cultural conditioning

(4:26) Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns

(7:16) Sacred Sexuality vs Tantric practices

(13:46) Emotional safety in sacred sexuality

(16:05) Addressing common misconceptions

(21:51) Working through trauma blocks before accessing pleasure

(28:05) Cultural messaging around sexuality

(34:39) Bringing wholeness & authenticity to intimacy

(40:27) Trauma-informed approaches to sexual healing

(44:44) Redefining male performance and erectile health

(47:35) Closing thoughts & resources

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
www.amandatesta.com
Podcast: www.amandatesta.com/podcast/
Free Gift: www.amandatesta.com/thegoods/

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

106. Political Differences: How To Talk About It

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In this heartfelt episode, we tackle a challenging topic facing relationships at this moment: how to keep our hearts open when political differences threaten to pull us apart. With the presidential election heightening tensions in many families in the US, we share our own journey of learning to have these difficult conversations, acknowledging the very real pain and fear that can arise when we feel fundamentally misunderstood by those closest to us.

Drawing from our experience, we offer a compassionate framework that emphasizes connection over conversion. Through practical examples and vulnerable sharing, we demonstrate how curiosity about each other's experiences can create bridges of understanding, reminding us that beneath our political identities, we're all seeking connection, understanding, and a sense of safety in an uncertain world.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The Challenge of Political Divides in Relationships

(03:12) Understanding Our Conversation Goals

(07:49) The Power of Underground Dialogue: the possibility of connection across divides.

(12:44) The Role of Curiosity vs. Agenda

(15:07) Moving Beyond "Having the Answer"

(17:58) Leading with Vulnerability

(20:27) Using Relationship Agreements for success

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

105. Giving Hard Feedback (Real Time Example)

Thu, 31 Oct 2024 05:00:00 -0700

We dive deep into the art of giving feedback in relationships. We explore how to address habits or behaviors that may cause frustration while keeping love, respect, and collaboration at the forefront. Using a real-life example, we share a step-by-step approach for delivering feedback in a way that nurtures growth, creates alignment, and fosters a deeper connection. If you're ready to elevate how you and your partner handle tough conversations, this episode is for you!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction and Common Misconceptions About Conflict

(00:18) How to Start a Conversation on Negative Impact

(01:36) The Importance of Feedback in Healthy Relationships

(03:15) Modeling a Real Feedback Conversation

(04:51) Asking for Permission and Setting Context

(06:54) Sharing the Facts and Checking for Alignment

(09:59) Exploring Different Learning and Communication Styles

(13:43) Impact of Inconsistent Follow-Through and Agreements

(19:10) Finding What "We" Need in a Partnership

(27:00) Embracing Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

104. How To Start A Conversation About Negative Impact (Replay)

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 05:00:00 -0700

If you want thriving relationships, having the harder conversations is a MUST! In this episode, Krista gives examples on how to skillfully start a conversation when either you’ve been negatively impacted, or you think you may have left a negative impact. Cleaning these impacts up are critical to the health of any relationship, and of course most importantly with the relationships that mean the most to you. This episode is part 1 of 2, where next week we will share how to skillfully give feedback, especially the kind that is hard to give and receive!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The importance of addressing negative impacts in relationship

(03:26) Effective communication tips to keep relationships clean and clear and in tip top relational health

(04:20) Examples of how to start conversations when you think you may have left a negative impact on someone, or a misunderstanding

(10:07) The importance of asking for consent before entering a sensitive conversation to avoid defensiveness.

(10:20) Examples of how to start a conversation when you’ve been negatively impacted.

(14:55) The importance of not avoiding these conversations, and part 2 on how to give feedback is coming next week!

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast platform.

103. Making Decisions When You Want Different Things

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Krista and Will dive into the delicate dance of making decisions together when you and your partner aren't on the same page. From the lighthearted story of their mug collection clash to the bigger conversations about significant decisions, they explore how they’ve navigated differences without sacrificing connection. Compromise is not the solution – but creating a win/win is. Listen in for practical insights, light humor, and actionable steps to turn moments of tension into opportunities for deeper partnership.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Welcome!

(00:30) The importance of full alignment before making a decision in a partnership

(1:08) Navigating moments when you're not on the same page

(2:20) How even small decisions can symbolize deeper relational dynamics

(4:07) How our upbringings shape our preferences

(5:25) The shift from “me vs. you” to a “we” mindset in decision-making

(6:50) Will & Krista’s challenging decisions

(9:00) Understanding underlying fears can help you move toward alignment

(12:38) The power of setting clear agreements to support decisions

(14:12) Conflict isn’t bad, it’s an opportunity to strengthen

(23:15) Slowing down to make decisions together can lead to faster, stronger alignment in the long run

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

102. Alcohol: Does It Help Or Hurt Your Partnership?

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 05:00:00 -0700

A candid discussion about alcohol's role in relationships, including an honest conversation about how casual drinking habits subtly impact our intimacy, connection, and overall relationship satisfaction. We offer practical strategies for creating conscious conversations around alcohol and making healthier choices as a couple. Whether you're curious about moderating your drinking habits or seeking a more mindful partnership, this episode provides valuable tools and fresh perspectives.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The importance of explicit conversations in relationships

(00:30) Exploring alcohol use in relationships & its impacts

(01:59) Alcohol consumption & its impact on presence in a partnership

(03:35) Stress, work, & alcohol: Unconscious coping mechanisms in relationships

(06:16) Exploring alternatives: Non-alcoholic mocktails & couple rituals for connection

(07:43) How mindful practices and connection exercises can replace unhealthy habits

(10:00) Recent research on alcohol’s health impacts & what it means for your relationship

(14:32) Approaching sensitive conversations about alcohol with your partner

(18:15) Navigating shared bad habits & creating conscious decisions together

(21:39) The power of explicit conversations for a thriving partnership

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast platform.

101. “The Dry Cleaners Incident” (& How We Made Up)

Thu, 03 Oct 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Krista and Will dive into a relatable moment that many of us have experienced—how a seemingly small disagreement can ignite big emotions. They unpack their own recent "dry cleaning incident" and share the raw and vulnerable details of what it triggered for each of them and how they repaired the rupture. You’ll learn how to navigate those frustrating ruptures in your relationship and transform them into moments of growth. This episode is packed with practical tools on how to communicate better, repair conflicts, and move from "I" to "We" in your partnership.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) The Dry Cleaning Incident: What Happened

(00:30) Embracing Relationship Ruptures as Growth Opportunities

(01:00) The Importance of Vulnerability in Conflict

(03:00) How Small Triggers Lead to Big Reactions

(04:30) The Role of Unspoken Expectations

(06:00) Moving from “I” to “We” in Relationships

(08:30) The Power of Repairing Conflicts

(10:30) Assuming Positive Intent in Your Partner

(12:00) Understanding Each Other’s Wounds & Past Trauma In Relationships

(14:30) Communicating Your Emotional State Effectively

(16:00) The Importance of Regular Relationship Check-ins

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast platform.

100. How We Handle Money As A Couple & Why

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Managing money as a couple doesn’t have to be a battle! In fact, it can be one of the most empowering & “mutually equitable” ways to grow together. This episode has insights on how to tackle tricky money conversations, turn financial stress into financial success, create money agreements & build a partnership where both of you feel valued & supported. Tune in, because leveling up your relationship starts with mastering your money game!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - How financial systems can support or undermine a partnership

(02:59) - Addressing inequity & power dynamics in couples’ finances

(05:46) - How couples navigate combining finances & prenuptial agreements

(07:40) - Impact of income disparity on power dynamics in a relationship

(10:53) - Building a financial structure in relationships that supports long-term goals

(13:32) - The pitfalls of "tit-for-tat" financial systems vs joint finances

(16:16) - The importance of joint financial responsibility and co-investing in each other

(18:42) - Balancing different income levels and contributions in a partnership

(19:27) - Shifting from "me" to "we" in financial decision-making

(21:07) - Addressing gaps in financial ambition between partners & finding alignment in financial goals

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

99. Create A Healthy Relationship With Your Ex After Divorce: Dr. Jill Carnahan & Aaron Carnahan

Thu, 19 Sep 2024 05:00:00 -0700

How do I maintain a healthy relationship with my ex after divorce? How do I forgive my ex after a difficult divorce? Listen in to hear Dr. Jill Carnahan and Aaron Carnahan’s inspiring story of how they have created a harmonious and healthy relationship after a painful divorce. You’ll hear how to have a healthy relationship with an ex after divorce with the right tools, perspectives and mindsets.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Intro to Dr. Jill Carnahan & Aaron Carnahan

(00:39) - How to create a harmonious relationship after divorce by embracing emotional healing and growth after divorce

(03:21) - Rebuilding trust with an ex after divorce

(04:44) - Navigating conflict & avoiding emotional pain in relationships

(05:55) - Addressing unresolved trauma

(09:02) - Learning how to express needs effectively with your ex

(14:08) - Why conflict can lead to deeper understanding

(21:35) - Transforming heartbreak into a positive, supportive friendship post-divorce.

(25:16) - Maintaining communication & vulnerability post separation

(30:25) - Overcoming trauma & emotional barriers to heal and grow

(45:04) - Letting go of bitterness & resentment to form a strong, healthy post-divorce relationship.

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

98. Sex: How To Talk About It, Stages of Development & Getting Stuck In Routines

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 05:00:00 -0700

We cover a LOT in this one! Including: Creating a Safe Space for Sexual Conversations, Navigating Sensitive Sexual Conversations, Tips for Talking About Sex, Addressing Suppressed Desires and Fantasies, Getting Stuck in Sexual Routines, The Role of Sexuality in Relationships, Stages of Sexual Development, and more. Fostering an environment of trust and security using relationship agreements so partners can work through vulnerable topics without fear of disconnection.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Creating safety and security in relationships

(01:56) - Addressing fears stemming from “how do I talk to my partner about sex?”

(02:36) - Handling feelings of being less attracted or desiring more intimacy

(04:53) - Keys to prevent conflict escalation

(06:42) - Our relationship agreement that supports us to stay in difficult conversations

(11:53) - Stages of sexual development and self-awareness

(15:00) - Receiving sexual feedback from a partner without defensiveness

(17:51) - Framing requests for change in intimacy with positivity

(19:49) - Discussing vulnerable sexual fantasies with a partner

(22:41) - Getting stuck in sexual ruts or routines

(33:11) - Using relationship agreements to foster secure functioning in partnerships

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

97. Q&A: Help! My Husband Keeps Bringing Up The Past (And Won't Let It Go)

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Is there an issue from the past that keeps coming up? Or an ongoing conflict that can’t seem to get resolved? In this episode we explore effective approaches for couples seeking to resolve long standing issues and conflicts that resurface over time. We share our advice to a couple who is struggling with an incident that happened over 20 years ago, and also share an example of where we personally got stuck in our own marriage, related to our wedding date, and how we finally came to clarity.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Finding shared desire in resolving ongoing conflicts

(04:11) - Exploring deeper, unspoken issues in repetitive arguments

(05:18) - The role of trauma therapy in resolving unresolved emotional conflicts

(07:00) - Explicit agreements in resolving recurring issues

(08:53) - Real-life example to illustrate conflict resolution strategies

(11:02) - Understanding your partner's unspoken feelings

(14:41) - Commitment to 'abundant repair' after conflicts for deeper connection

(17:45) - Listening generously and validating your partner’s feelings

(19:53) - Fully understanding and addressing recurring issues

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

96. Household Cleanliness Conflicts? This One’s For You!

Thu, 29 Aug 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Do one of you like your home clean and organized but the other could care less? Does the majority of household clean up fall on one of you, while the other is mostly contributing to the mess? If you and your partner have conflicts around differences in cleanliness standards at home, this episode is for you! We share our own struggles in this area and what we’ve done to become more aligned in keeping a household environment that feels good to both of us. We offer insights to help couples navigate and resolve conflicts over cleanliness and organization in their shared living spaces.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:28) - Couple’s misalignments in household cleanliness and organization

(03:47) - Gender roles and cultural Influences for household work

(06:23) - Dealing with different cleaning habits in a relationship

(07:47) - The pain of subordination and built up resentments

(10:26) - Finding middle ground as a couple

(12:12) - How to communicate with your partner about cleanliness

(17:10 - How to align on cleanliness standards in a relationship

(20:22) - Staying Connected as a Team

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

95. How Committed Relationship Can Unlock Your Greatest Potential

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Have you ever wondered how to create a partnership that’s a vehicle for your greatest potential? Or struggled to create a partnership that can grow beyond the sum parts of the traumas, challenges or wounds that you and your partner bring into the relationship? In this episode Krista and Will share how they are using their relationship to explicitly bring one another into greater sovereignty, wholeness and capacity to reach each of their potentials.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - The Struggle with Authentic Self-Expression And Historical Traumas or Limiting Beliefs

(00:35) - Unlocking Fullest Personal Expression Through Conscious Partnership

(03:13) - Mindset off Co-Responsibility in Relationship Growth and Development

(06:45) - The Importance of True Collaboration and Win-Win Relationships in Partnerships

(11:34) - Standing for the Right Kind of Mutual Relationship

(15:55) - The Impact of Past Experiences on Self-Actualization in Relationships

(24:13) - The Difference and Power of Standing For Something vs Against Something

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

94. How To Prioritize Your Sex Life (And Why You Must)

Thu, 15 Aug 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Is your sex life taking a back seat due to a busy schedule? Tune in to discover how and why to prioritize physical intimacy, with our personal tips and tricks to keep it at the top of your to-do list. We'll also share the psychological, physical, and emotional benefits of prioritizing your sex life, especially for mission-driven couples. Plus, hear about our relationship agreement that keeps us on track!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Prioritizing your sex life & defining “sex life”

(02:04) - The key mindset for success for regular physical intimacy

(03:49) - Our relationship agreement about our sexuality

(05:21) - Psychological and physiological effects of lacking physical intimacy

(09:17) - The correlation between orgasm, creativity, and cognitive capacity

(15:09) - How to prioritize sex life for busy couples

(16:38) - Importance of prioritizing sex life for a mission-driven relationship

(18:53) - Aligning with your partner

(23:49) - The impact of attachment styles on sexual intimacy

(25:28) - Scheduling as a tool to manage life phases and hormonal differences

(27:24) - Importance of understanding and addressing different needs within a relationship

(29:22) - Addressing concerns when a partner doesn't prioritize sex life

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

93. Our Game-Changing Connection Exercise (35 Min or Less!)

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Do you crave a deeper connection with your partner but don’t know how in the face of super busy lives and schedules? Listen in to hear about a transformative daily connection exercise that has significantly deepened our connection in the face of crazy-busy lives.

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and mindful listening, we’ve found this short but consistent practice minimizes conflicts and strengthens bonds. Discover how to bring more depth and connection into your relationship with this practical, heartfelt tool. Tune in to learn the steps and experience the profound impact it can have on your partnership. “The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:24) - How deeper connection in relationships creates less conflict

(01:36) - Our daily connection exercise that’s been a game changer for us

(03:09) - Rules of engagement for the couples exercise

(04:28) - What to avoid during the relationship exercise

(05:45) - Benefits of the connection exercise on relationship dynamics

(06:30) - Practicing presence and mindfulness as a listener

(08:08) - Prompts to help with deeper sharing in relationships

(10:18) - Reflection and gratitude after sharing for relationship improvement

(11:29) - Switching roles and completing the relationship exercise

(13:33) - How the connection exercise has specifically improved our relationship

(18:07) - Using morning pages for deeper self-connection

(19:40) - Somatic benefits of the couples connection exercise

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

92. Same Argument Over & Over? Here’s What To Do

Thu, 01 Aug 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Do you and your partner have the same frustrating argument over and over? Or you can’t figure out why the same darn issue keeps coming up and you can’t seem to resolve it? We know all about that! Today we share how we woke up to the root cause of the ongoing argument that helped us resolve the issue, instead of just putting bandaids on it. Listen in to hear key mindsets and actionable steps you can apply to help resolve those painful arguments.

(00:00) - Discussing key elements to navigate repetitive arguments in relationships

(01:22) - A key mindset that will shift you from stress to opportunity

(04:05) - Our personal example of a recurring argument and pivotal moments leading to an emotional and honest discussion

(14:42) - Three approaches you can apply to address recurring arguments in a relationship

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

91. Great Relationship But No Chemistry? Try This

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Do you have a great relationship but it’s lacking chemistry? In this episode we suggest five unique areas to explore if your partnership is lacking the sparkle it used to have. We also share our relationship agreement that’s the secret to keeping our relationship chemistry and intimacy in tip top shape!

(00:00) - Introduction to navigating relationships that are healthy but lack chemistry

(01:49) - Our personal relationship agreement that generates chemistry in our partnership

(02:33) - Importance of Generativity / Our Brain’s Tendency to Automate Our Partners

(04:43) - The Need For Effort and Intentionality in Long-term Relationships

(07:30) - Common Patterns in Long-Term Relationships Leading To Lack of Chemistry

(08:37) - Importance of Prioritizing Intimacy

(10:34) - Investigating Interpersonal Issues Causing Lack of Relationship Chemistry

(13:02) - Importance of Showing Up For Your “We” Regardless of Chemistry Feelings

(15:03) - Exploring Root Causes Affecting Desire and Chemistry

(17:32) - Impact of Pornography

(18:13) - Physical Attraction Challenges

(19:47) - Hormonal Factors

(21:48) - How To Have Conversations About Attraction and Intimacy

(24:25) - Seeking Couples Support When Needed

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

90. Relationship Ultimatum: When & How To Give One

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Giving ultimatums in relationships is a serious, but sometimes necessary, decision. In this episode we explore the circumstances under which an ultimatum might be the right move, how to thoughtfully prepare for delivering one, and the importance of being clear and committed when standing up for your needs. Dr. Will shares his personal experience of giving an ultimatum in his first marriage and the transformative journey that followed. The discussion highlights the balance between supporting a partner's success and ensuring your own needs are met.

00:00 - Introduction to ultimatums in relationships

02:32 - Identifying when to consider an ultimatum

04:25 - Examples of when an ultimatum might be necessary

05:34 - Being for each other's success

07:30 - Dr. Will's personal story of giving an ultimatum

13:53 - Steps to prepare for giving an ultimatum

18:56 - The importance of being willing to follow through

19:39 - Planning the best scenario for delivering the ultimatum

20:18 - Getting clear about what the ultimatum specifically entails

23:48 - Setting a timeframe for the ultimatum

26:11 - Approaching the conversation with your partner

29:32 - Final thoughts and encouragement

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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89. Our Agreement To Not “Threaten” Our Relationship

Thu, 11 Jul 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Impulsively threatening the relationship when we get triggered, angry, or unable to work through repeating relationship conflicts is an ineffective way of attempting to get our partner to change. It creates insecurity, dysregulation and fear, rather than creating the feelings of safety and security that’s needed to work through difficult relationship challenges together.

Today we discuss the importance of taking more skilled self responsibility in relationships, particularly when it comes to making threats or issuing ultimatums, including effective communication, mutual understanding, and adult behavior in addressing conflicts. In this episode we offer healthier and more constructive alternatives to addressing conflict and ideas on how to deal with a partner who keeps impulsively threatening the relationship.

(00:00) Introduction and definition of threatening the partnership

(02:16) Impact of threats on conversations and relationships

(04:28) Importance of creating safety rather than triggering threat responses

(06:39) Personal example of threatening language and its impact

(15:00) Importance of showing up as an adult during conflicts

(17:19) Advice for those who frequently threaten relationships

(19:35) Taking responsibility and protecting each other in relationships

(22:22) Closing thoughts on working through connection issues together

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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88. Masculinity, Vulnerability & Attachment

Thu, 04 Jul 2024 05:00:00 -0700

How can you bring your vulnerability in a way that brings your partner closer to you? What is "masculine vulnerability"? In episode 88 of The Art of We podcast we dive into this topic, bringing smart relationship advice and best relationship practices for couples who want a successful partnership. We share our definition of masculine vulnerability and effective strategies for bringing more vulnerability for the purposes of building a lasting and extraordinary partnership together.

(00:00) The intersection of masculinity and vulnerability and definition of terms.

(04:21) Cultural & historical perspectives on masculinity

(06:38) Example of hosts bringing “agentic” vulnerability to one another

(08:28) Highlighting the progress in recognizing and addressing internal signals of vulnerability

(09:59) Practicing self-responsible vulnerability and checking interpretations

(11:02) Navigating relationship challenges from vulnerable conversations

(13:58) The difference between vulnerability and disguising hidden agendas

(16:01) Encouraging authentic and responsible communication in expressing vulnerability

(19:15) Navigating triggers and activations when partners share vulnerably

(21:43) Recognizing and addressing learned behaviors from past experiences

(24:01) Invitation for listeners to have open conversations with partners

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

87. Addressing The Impact Of Tech Or Work Addiction

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 05:00:00 -0700

As mission-based people, it’s culturally acceptable to constantly be tethered to our phones, but what happens when being at the beck and call of our business gets in the way of authentic and deep connection? In this episode, we explore the impact that technology overuse has on our relationship and work on crafting a new agreement about using our phones after working hours.

Since starting the Integrative Psychiatry Institute in 2018, we’ve largely been in startup mode. Now that the team is built out and there’s more operational support, it’s not solely on Will to put out fires anymore. But, shifting out of the habit of picking up the phone for every ping and ding hasn’t come naturally.

In our conversation, we unpack the effects of unconscious phone usage and how it touches on our childhood wounding. We workshop ways that we can come to an understanding, rather than operate from a place of fear or insecurity. We also look at ways that having boundaries around technology can create more sovereignty over our attention and energy.

Our invitation this week is to work with your partner to understand why there’s something interfering with your connection, technology or otherwise, and discuss the impact it has on your relationship. With that foundation, it’s easier to collaborate on a win-win solution.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Becoming more conscious of what we spend our time on, particularly outside the office
Learning how to express the need for contact and attention
Experimenting with an agreement about how we use technology in the evening
Ways that social media might be covering up a lack of authentic connection
How we can experience more freedom by practicing constraint

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

86. Krista’s Secret Dating Strategy (That Led To Meeting Will)

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Krista Van Derveer shares her journey of being single and looking for a partnership before she met Will. You’ll hear her unique approach on finding love after loss, preparing for a new relationship, navigating the dating world, and her secret relationship practices that helped her weed out incompatible partners to find a partner (Will!) that had similar relationship goals and also stood for an extraordinary kind of long-term relationship.

If you’re single and looking for a relationship or you want to elevate your current relationship, this episode is for you!

00:00 - Unique approaches to calling in a partner

01:40 - Discussion on the concept of calling in "the one"

04:23 - Krista’s relationship journey before meeting Will

06:33 - Reclaiming desire after loss

08:30 - Talking a stand for the type of relationship we really want

10:02 - Does it really help to list qualities desired in a partner?

12:18 - Secret practices and orientations for finding the right partner

14:10 - Dating advice for those currently vetting potential partners

16:32 - Importance of authenticity and speaking straight

20:23 - Early dating experiences and assessing potential partners

27:12 - Growth and discomfort in long-term partnerships

31:17 - Overcoming superficial judgments in choosing a partner

32:24 - The importance of honest feedback in relationships

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

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85. How Will “Called In” Our Relationship

Thu, 06 Jun 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Will shares his journey of waking up on his 40th birthday realizing he didn’t have the kind of relationship he really wanted, and what he uniquely did to eventually call-in his next partner (Krista!) and co-create the kind of partnership they have today. Whether you're single and searching or looking to elevate your current relationship, this episode offers valuable insights and useful advice.

Topics Covered:

Getting Honest: Will's 40th birthday epiphany about wanting a secure-functioning, interdependent relationship.
Defining Your Ideal Relationship: Will shares how he clarified and envisioned the specific kind of partnership he wanted.
Doing Inner Work: The unique process Will underwent to be ready for a new kind of partnership.
Practical Wisdom: Learn about the essential steps Will took, from leaving a long-term marriage to defining a new relationship model with a "mandala" of qualities he desired.
Overcoming Challenges: Moving beyond our limiting beliefs.
Categories: Dating Advice; Leaving Your Relationship; Calling In The One; Marriage Advice; Relationship Advice, Personal Growth; Divorce Advice

Listen now and continue your journey towards the partnership you deserve!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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84. Standing For The Kind Of Love You Want

Thu, 30 May 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Within our web of vows that help us maintain what we believe is possible in our relationship, gambling everything for the love we want is at the center. In this episode, we unpack what that means for us and how we work to bring forth every aspect of ourselves, even in challenging or uncomfortable conversations.

Unless we take a real stand for the kind of relationship we desire, and then be willing to put everything on the table to give our relationship a chance to live into that stand, we are going to compromise or settle in an unfulfilling partnership.

Although we have a deep commitment to addressing ruptures and impact, we’re not immune to misunderstandings. There’s a level of consciousness inside our relationship where we can recognize the filters that we have for each other. These assumptions and automations not only limit the possibility for deeper connections, and they also have the potential to intensify resentments and wounds.

We share five practices that help us to lay our vulnerability on the table and work through tension. In our conversation, we break down what these five tools are and how they can help you and your partner co-create solutions. Join us as we look at these techniques in action and discuss ways to approach edgy topics within your relationship.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why we don’t agree with the concept of ‘choosing your battles’
Noticing when make assumptions about your partner and where those beliefs come from
Having safeguards in place to deal with the consequences of addressing an uncomfortable reality that exists in your relationship
Honoring the voice that signals your needs aren’t being met
Developing a willingness to to receive feedback and see it as an opportunity for growth

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

83. Why You Shouldn’t Love Your Partner Exactly The Way They Are

Thu, 23 May 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer discuss why loving a partner exactly the way they are may not be compatible with growth and support in a relationship. They argue that unconditional love can become a cop-out for not truly supporting one another to step into their greatest potential, and that growth as a couple requires the willingness to acknowledge and address blind spots together.

Listen in to hear about:

The importance of challenging each other to grow and expand
Where couples get stuck in their partnership
Creating the context in relationship to support each other to see blind spots
Examples of how to approach one another with a challenge
Communication skills for healthy relationships
Taking on the role of holding our partners to live into their greatest expression

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

82. Questions From Oprah – Candid Q&A For Couples

Thu, 16 May 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Join us as we explore Oprah's '110 Relationship-Boosting Questions for Couples,' asking each other spontaneous questions that not only led to unexpected insights for us as a couple but also highlighted areas where we need to gain deeper clarity in our intimate partnership.

We get into topics such as:

Is there such a thing as a “harmless” lie?
How organized glasses in cupboards helps our relationship
Learning to speak more straight and maintain positive impact
Vampires vs werewolves
Does commitment lead to more or less freedom?

This relationship podcast episode with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer has questions for couples to explore around relationship challenges, couples communication and relationship growth as a couple.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

81. Healing After Heartbreaks & Betrayals with Sara Avant Stover

Thu, 09 May 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Today we have a special guest to talk about navigating the turbulent waters of heartbreak & betrayals, & the power of grief as a portal for healing & transformation. Sara Avant Stover just came out with her third book “Handbook for the Heartbroken.” We talk about her very personal & vulnerable journey from devastation to rebirth. This conversation is a beacon for anyone wanting to heal & transform from heartbreak.

Listen in for an intimate look into:

Sara's serial heartbreaks across all facets of her life
Learning her former fiance was living a duplicitous life
The journey of overcoming heartbreaks & transforming from grief
The power of internal family systems (IFS) in addressing deep-seated wounds
Practical advice on moving from devastation to rebirth, featuring potent learnings, rituals, & practices that aid in emotional and spiritual recovery.

This episode is not just a dialogue; it's an invitation to understand the transformative potential of grief & the journey towards becoming the person you are meant to be. Whether you're dealing with a fresh wound or an old scar, Sara's story & Krista's parallel grief journey offer a pathway to healing and hope. Join us as we explore how to turn heartbreak into a foundation for profound personal growth & renewal.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

80. When Couples Can’t Stop Arguing

Thu, 02 May 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Do you ever get stuck arguing a TON? Or “processing” issues all the time as a couple? If so, this episode is for you! Listen in for strategies to break the cycle of conflict, hear Krista and Will’s personal experiences, and learn practical tools and techniques to disrupt the arguing and to foster better communication and understanding.

[0:00] - Conflict “quality” in relationships

[0:55] - Hosts personal experiences

[1:07] - Pain points in conflicts and advanced communication skills

[6:12] - Relationship agreements for successful outcomes

[7:23] - Strategies for dealing with emotional hijacking

[10:28] - ‘Witnessing awareness’ & its role in managing emotional responses

[14:10] - Practical relationship agreements to aid in conflict resolution

[19:12] - Techniques for co-regulation without conversation

[22:15] - Exploring "smart requests" to improve clarity and effectiveness in communication

[28:03] - Emphasizing the co-creation of ruptures & a growth mindset in relationships

Key Discussion Points

How the quality of your conflict determines the quality of your partnership
Techniques like couples therapy, somatic psychotherapy, & psychedelics to navigate through trauma in relationships
Importance of relational agreements in maintaining a secure partnership
Strategies for self-regulation & co-regulation during intense emotional states
Using 'smart requests' and pre-emptive understanding of each partner's emotional needs
The value of a growth-oriented mindset in approaching relationship challenges.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

79. Duplicitous Lives? Our Take on “Dr. Death” & Andrew Huberman - Pt 2

Thu, 25 Apr 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In Part 2/2 of this series, we dive into the shadows cast by public figures accused of leading double lives, including the likes of "Dr. Death" Paulo Macchiarini and podcaster Andrew Huberman. This episode unpacks the intricate dance of deceit and the personal ramifications of their alleged duplicity.

In this episode, we explore:

Our immediate reactions and predictions following recent revelations about Andrew Huberman’s personal affairs
The often unrealistic standards of perfection imposed on public figures
Our collective human curiosity about the private lives of celebrities
The debate over the level of responsibility public figures should bear
The balance between respecting privacy and demanding transparency from those in the spotlight
The human propensity to idolize, then harshly criticize, public figures

This conversation not only probes the complexities of fame and accountability but also challenges listeners to examine their own views and biases. If you're fascinated by the ethical quandaries and psychological intricacies of celebrity culture, this episode offers an interesting and captivating discussion that will continue long after you've listened.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

78. Duplicitous Lives? Our Take on “Dr. Death” & Andrew Huberman - Pt 1

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Inspired by people publicly accused of living duplicitous lives, such as "Dr. Death" Paulo Macchiarini, podcaster Andrew Huberman, & Bill Clinton, we dive into the complex dynamics of individuals who excel in their public personas but struggle with personal integrity in their private lives, specifically in intimate partnership. We share our personal thoughts & discuss the psychological aspects & real-life relational consequences of such disparities.

[0:00] Duplicitous personalities of public figures

[2:28] Social & relational implications

[5:54] Complexities of deceitful relationships

[7:10] Psychological impacts & public perceptions

[9:11] Our personal reflections & experiences

[10:47] Narcissism, sociopathy & lack of empathy

[13:19] Individuals & victims involved in deceitful narratives

[15:00] Moral implications & motivations behind duplicitous lifestyles

[19:30] Societal fascination & considerations of involving oneself in public figures' private lives

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

77. Sleep In Separate Bedrooms?

Thu, 11 Apr 2024 05:00:00 -0700

To sleep or not to sleep together? Celebrity couples like Cameron Diaz, and supposedly the Beckhams, are coming out about sleeping in separate bedrooms. On this episode of “The Art of We” we share our take on the benefits and drawbacks of both scenarios, and address the narrative that there’s something wrong in the relationship if couples are sleeping separately.

Given the importance of sleep for our health, wellbeing, and capacity to connect with others, we take sleep very seriously over here in the Van Derveer household. You’ll hear how we’ve navigated our sleeping arrangements in unique ways that have mostly kept us in the same room, but with a few brilliant twists to ensure the best sleep possible.

We explore different impacts from sleeping together and separately, from energetic, biological, scientific and personal preference angles. We also share our sleeping tricks for when we travel together to ensure the best sleep, and how different seasons of our lives have required different sleeping arrangements. Lastly, we encourage a real attempt at understanding our partner’s challenges when they are not sleeping well, versus simply assuming that something isn’t right in the partnership.

A must listen for:

Contemplating the right sleeping set up for you and your partner
A deeper investigation the the impacts of sleeping choices
Learning unique tips and tricks to ensure better sleep for both partners
Understanding how our nervous systems can impact each other’s sleep

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
3 Game Changing Conversations Every Couple Must Have
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

76. A "We" Definition That's A Relationship Game Changer

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 05:00:00 -0700

This definition of the “We” elevates partnership beyond the conventional. Listen in to hear a conversation between us, Krista and Dr. Will, that frames how we view our relationship such that we more quickly can make decisions, work as a team, and operate at higher levels of functioning.

In episode 76 we revisit a fundamental concept of “The Art Of We.” You’ll hear personal anecdotes and professional insights to illustrate the power of embracing the 'We' in relationships. We dive into the creation of a third entity (the “We”) that emerges from the union of two individuals, a concept that transcends yet includes both partners.

This episode is an invitation to listeners to consider their partnerships as a potent vehicle for growth and impact, making it an enlightening listen for couples, business partners and collaborators alike. We share simple yet impactful questions and tools to create a roadmap for couples looking to elevate their connection, explore the depths of their partnership, and make a significant impact together.

Whether you're in a relationship seeking depth or an individual curious about the dynamics of successful partnerships, this episode offers invaluable wisdom and inspiration.

A must listen for:

Learning how partnership is not only about two individuals, but something much greater
Practical application for deepening connections.
The balance between individuality and unity: navigating the tension between maintaining autonomy while also embracing the collective identity of the partnership
Strategies for growth and overcoming challenges

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

75. Example Of Us Working Through Conflict (In Real Time)

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer work through a challenge in real-time, sharing a raw and unscripted exploration of navigating work-from-home challenges. Without the safety net of rehearsals or preparations, listeners are granted an intimate glimpse into the dynamics of how they work through conflict while standing for both individual needs and collective harmony.

Faced with the adjustments of working from home more frequently due to their business partner’s paternity leave, Will and Krista confront the complexities of sharing their suddenly all-too-close quarters. Their candid discussion revolves around an innovative agreement aimed at granting each other solo days at home but quickly evolves into a deeper examination of personal needs, boundaries, and the intricate dance of living and working together in a shared space.

The conversation navigates through moments of tension, insight, and vulnerability, offering listeners a rare look at the process of real-time problem-solving within a relationship. Join Dr. Will and Krista as they demonstrate the art of working through challenges together, in real-time, with openness and love.

A must listen for:

Learning to create shared reality as a basis to work through conflict
Learning to stand for one’s own preferences while being willing to see new areas of growth
Learning to get everyone’s needs met, rather than compromise
Understanding the power of agreement-based relationships

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

74. Addressing Passive-Aggressive Comments

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 05:00:00 -0700

Addressing passive-aggressive comments like a ninja is highly satisfying. It can stop the aggressor in their shoes and wake them up to the impact they’re having. Most passive aggressive comments are simply unskilled communications of negative feelings. By directly and neutrally addressing passive aggressiveness, we can support each other to grow as human beings.

In episode 74 of the Art of We podcast, we get into the nuanced terrain of passive aggressiveness, in both personal and professional relationships. Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer discuss its subtle nature and how it can operate under a veneer of politeness, making it challenging to detect and address. They dive into the psychological underpinnings of why individuals resort to such behavior, highlighting the cultural lack of effective tools for expressing negative feelings directly.

The hosts share practical strategies, share personal anecdotes and role-play scenarios to illustrate how to respond to passive aggression in a way that fosters understanding and growth, rather than perpetuating a cycle of negativity. They advocate for an approach that involves acknowledging the impact of such comments, expressing one's feelings without aggression, and seeking to understand the underlying needs of the other person.

A must listen for:

Individuals in leadership positions who deal with other humans :)
Partners who have a hard time communicating their needs and wants skillfully
People who have family or community that have a habit of passive aggressive behavior
Anyone who loves to grow!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

73. The Crucial Role of Your Relationship in Achieving Personal Success

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 73 of "The Art of We" podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer explore the concept that when individuals are genuinely supported within their partnerships, they unlock a unique level of potential that can be a pivotal foundation for personal growth and achieving one's greatest successes, and that transcends an individual’s mere high-functioning ability.

They illuminate how the patterns and beliefs instilled in us from childhood carry over into our adult lives, influencing our intimate relationships. By challenging and supporting each other to confront and heal from past relational injuries, partners can achieve a level of fulfillment and expression that was previously unattainable, highlighting the interconnectedness of personal development and relational dynamics.

The episode culminates in a powerful message about the potential for partnerships to serve as a catalyst for not just personal transformation but also for contributing positively to the world, pushing the boundaries of what is possible both personally and collectively.

You’ll also hear:

The need for support and security within primary partnerships to unlock higher levels of potential
Growth and healing within intimate relationships as a foundation for overcoming the limitations imposed by past traumas and childhood imprints
The transformative potential of partnerships in contributing positively to the wider world
A call to action for listeners to reevaluate the depth and purpose of their relationships

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

72. Conscious Relationship Endings

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 72 of the Art of We podcast, Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer explore the value of conscious relationship endings, offering a transformative perspective on closure. This conversation not only equips listeners with strategies for achieving closure but also highlights the significance of embracing endings as a gateway to greater alignment with one’s true path.

The hosts share their personal experiences with relationship endings, including uncommon conversations and reflective questions, acknowledging the gifts and lessons learned, and the power of ritual for emotional release and letting go. Listeners are encouraged to see the end of a relationship not as a failure but as an essential step towards personal fulfillment and alignment with one's true path.

This episode serves as a guide for anyone facing the daunting task of ending a relationship or getting over a past relationship. This conversation is a must-listen for anyone looking to navigate the complexities of relationships with grace, wisdom, and an open heart, promising a journey of self-discovery, transformation and preparation for the next partnership to arrive.

You’ll also hear:

How incompletion can create a sense of disempowerment
How Will and his previous partner came to clarity about their ending and their journey of conscious closure together
How Krista processed the ending of her last relationship without her partner, since her partner had a sudden death
Specific questions for listeners to contemplate to support relationship completion

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts:

71. Navigating An Introvert-Extrovert Partnership

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 71 of The Art of We podcast, Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer share the challenges they encounter in their partnership with one person being an introvert and one being an extrovert. The differences in social needs can be a source of hardship when left unaddressed, however when there’s deeper understanding and collaboration, these differences can turn into a solid source of connection.

Listen in to learn about the nuances of introverted and extroverted behaviors, including how to navigate as a couple, the tendency for introverts to need more alone time to recharge and process experiences internally, and extroverts' inclination to seek out social interactions for energy and processing.

The hosts share practical tips for couples to negotiat their differences to create a more inclusive and enjoyable social experience for both introverts and extroverts, ultimately strengthening the partnership by honoring and leveraging their distinct traits. This episode offers a thoughtful examination of how embracing and working with differences can lead to deeper connection and a more joyful social experience for both partners.

A must-listen for:

Couples with differing social preferences such as introverts and extroverts
Understanding introvert-extrovert relationship dynamics and challenges
Discovering win-win strategies for social settings
Specific communication and support for introvert-extrovert partnerships

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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70. Relational Trauma From Past Relationships

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 70 of the Art of We podcast, Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer dive into the nuanced world of relational trauma, exploring how past traumas from previous relationships can manifest and affect current relationships. This episode offers deep insights into the nature of relational trauma, the impact of unhealed scars on one's sense of self, and the patterns that emerge as a cry for attention and healing.

The Van Derveers discuss the spectrum of relational traumas, from minor misunderstandings to severe cases of abuse, emphasizing the significance of a compassionate and curious approach towards these patterns. They introduce listeners to the concept that trauma can serve as an opportunity for healing, especially within the context of a supportive and understanding relationship.

By sharing personal stories and professional insights, their conversation is a testament to the healing potential of intimate partnerships and the importance of mutual support in addressing past injuries. Concluding with practical advice and therapeutic strategies, the episode is not just a deep dive into the complexities of relational trauma but also a guide on navigating these challenges as a couple.

A must-listen for:

Individuals in new relationships with past traumas
Partners seeking to support each other’s healing
People struggling with trust and vulnerability issues
Anyone interested in personal growth within relationships

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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69. Codependency Vs Interdependency

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 69 of the Art of We podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer focus on the critical distinctions between codependency and interdependency. The conversation highlights how codependency often stems from good intentions but leads to disempowerment and stuckness within relationships, especially when one partner enables the other.

By contrast, interdependency is presented as a healthier model that fosters mutual responsibility, freedom, and empowerment, supporting a more evolved partnership. Through personal anecdotes and theoretical insights, the hosts explore how individuals can inadvertently fall into patterns of distorted masculine and feminine energies, which contribute to the cycle of codependency.

In this episode the host’s share their experience with both codependency and interdependency, and how to navigate challenging patterns that often manifest as a fear of engulfment or abandonment. The dialogue encourages listeners to reflect on their own relationships, identifying areas where they might be leaning too heavily towards codependency and exploring ways to cultivate a more interdependent, mutually responsible, balanced and fulfilling partnership.

Main Topics Covered:

Distinction Between Codependency and Interdependency in intimate relationships
Impact of Distorted Masculine and Feminine Energies and the importance of recognizing and addressing these patterns.
Personal Growth and Self-Awareness to identify and shift towards healthier relational dynamics.
Strategies for Cultivating Interdependency and balancing individual needs with the health of the relationship.
Exploring Personal and Shared Values in Relationships to enhance relational harmony and fulfillment.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
Codependent No More Book - Melody Beattie
Bruce Tift, MA, LMFT - Distorted Masculine and Feminine Energies
Stan Tatkin - Attachment Styles
The Art Of We E67: Relationship Values Vs Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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68. Fights About Driving Styles

Thu, 08 Feb 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 68 of the Art of We podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer explore the complexities of driving together as a couple, a topic that brings challenges for many couples. They share their own personal challenges together, including how driving styles and passenger experiences can reveal deeper dynamics in relationships, highlighting the importance of communication and understanding.

The Van Derveers share their concept of "we driving," a collaborative approach aimed at making both the driver and passenger comfortable. They stress the significance of signaling intentions and adjustments in driving habits to accommodate each other's comfort levels. The discussion extends to recognizing and respecting each other's driving preferences, with Will admitting his preference for speed and Krista advocating for a more cautious approach.

This dialogue illustrates the broader theme of partnership and mutual respect, where both parties work together to find a middle ground that honors each other's needs and boundaries. By sharing their personal experiences and the strategies they've developed to address their driving disagreements, Krista and Dr. Will offer listeners practical advice on enhancing relationship harmony. Their reflections on "we driving" serve as a metaphor for relationship management, underscoring the importance of actively working together to create a supportive and understanding environment, both on the road and in life.

Main Topics Covered:

Navigating differences in driving styles and passenger experiences within couples, focusing on feelings of control and safety.
The impact of individual driving behaviors on the partner's comfort and stress levels, including the use of signals and communication while driving.
The concept of "we driving" as a strategy for couples to ensure mutual comfort and safety, highlighting the need for compromise and understanding.
The role of communication in preventing and addressing discomfort and fear in the passenger, emphasizing the importance of expressing concerns calmly and clearly.
Reflections on how managing driving dynamics can mirror handling relationship challenges, underscoring the broader implications for partnership and mutual respect.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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67. Relationship Values vs Agreements

Thu, 01 Feb 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 67 of "The Art of We" podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer address a listener’s question about the difference between values and agreements in relationships. The hosts get into defining how values are used in different ways, and how to “operationalize” the values by turning them into agreements so they can actively live inside the partnership.

The conversation extends to the broader theme of supporting each other's individual values within a relationship, such as differing interests in fitness or financial responsibility, and the potential for polarization and arguments in partnerships. The hosts share examples of how to address polarizing values and how to work as a couple to find alignment and mutuality.

Krista and Dr. Will discuss turning values into actionable agreements to strengthen relationships. They emphasize the need for agreements to be specific and actionable, using examples like transparency and connection. The conversation touches on the challenges of fulfilling these agreements and the importance of understanding and supporting each other's unique approaches.

Main Topics Covered:

Impact of Individual Habits on Relationships: How one-sided personal habits, like drinking cocktails, can affect interpersonal connections and explores the importance of understanding underlying needs for a state change or feeling better.
Supporting Individual Values in Partnerships: The significance of recognizing and respecting each partner's unique values within a relationship and how to do that.
Difference Between Values and Agreements: How values and agreements differ in relationships, defining values as guiding principles and the importance of alignment in partnerships.
Exploring and Understanding Partner's Values: The importance of being curious about and understanding your partner's values and fears, with examples provided.
Turning Values into Actionable Agreements: The necessity of converting values into specific, actionable agreements to reinforce relationships and the challenges of fulfilling these agreements in practice.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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66. When A Partner Doesn't Keep Their Agreements

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In "The Art of We" Episode 66, hosts Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer take a deep dive into the essence of relationship agreements. Building on the momentum from Episode 65, this discussion explores how couples can effectively create, sustain, and evolve their agreements, and specifically what happens when you make the agreements but then one or both of the partners don’t keep them.

Navigating the complexities of commitments within a relationship, Dr. Will and Krista address common challenges couples face when agreements are broken or disregarded. They emphasize the importance of trust, learning, open communication, and continuous personal growth in maintaining a healthy relationship. Dr. Will and Krista discuss how breaches in agreements are not failures but opportunities for growth, emphasizing the importance of a supportive and understanding approach in these situations.

The hosts delve into the significance of agreements in a relationship, discussing how they serve as a foundation for mutual goals and dreams, reducing friction and conflicts. The episode sheds light on the necessity of revisiting and adjusting agreements to ensure they remain relevant and supportive for both partners. Through their candid sharing of personal stories, the episode becomes a relatable guide for couples striving to strengthen their bond and resolve conflicts more effectively.

Main Topics Covered:

Establishing and Upholding Agreements: the significance of agreements in a relationship.
Learning from Challenges: breaches in agreements are not failures but opportunities for growth.
Building Trust Through Commitments: trust in a relationship is bolstered by consistently honoring commitments, thereby strengthening the partnership.
Regular Review and Adaptation: the necessity of revisiting and adjusting agreements to ensure they remain relevant and supportive for both partners.
Practical Tips and Strategies: for effectively managing and revising relationship agreements, ensuring they align with the evolving needs of the relationship.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

John Demartini

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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65. How To Create Your Own Relationship Agreements (For Intimate Partnerships)

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 65 of "The Art of the Podcast," hosts Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer share how to form relationship agreements in intimate partnerships, and the extraordinary kind of partnership that becomes possible when we move away from assumptions of how each other will behave and into mutually aligned agreements about how we do relationship together.

The episode dives into specific examples of agreements and practices that the hosts have found beneficial in their own relationship. The hosts share three different types of agreements couples should consider for a healthy and secure relationship, including agreements that specify interpersonal behaviors to support their success. They highlight the importance of these practices in regulating emotional responses and maintaining a secure, supportive relationship environment.

Finally, the episode explores the idea of relationship agreements as a living, evolving entity. The hosts encourage listeners to regularly revisit and adjust their agreements to reflect the changing dynamics of their relationships. They emphasize that these agreements should foster personal growth and not just comfort, framing them as safety rails on the journey of a committed partnership rather than tools to avoid discomfort or challenges.

Main Topics Covered:

The significance of creating and maintaining agreements in intimate partnerships
The importance of both partners understanding and investing in the relationship agreements
Examples from hosts' own relationship, their recommendations of what agreements can really make a big difference, and three areas of agreements to consider
The role of agreements in regulating emotional responses and maintaining a secure relationship environment.
Framing agreements as the vehicle to move forward what we want to accomplish and as tools for personal growth and facing challenges

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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64. Getting Real With Jayson Gaddis + Ellen Boeder

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 64 of "The Art of We" podcast, hosts Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer explore the intricate dynamics of conscious adult partnership with their dear friends and relationship experts Jayson Gaddis and Ellen Boeder. This deeply personal episode is a dialogue about viewing relationships as a growth path and the nuanced complexities of practicing secure functioning together.

The discussion highlights the balance of individual needs within family dynamics, particularly the prioritization of partnership in the midst of parenting challenges. You’ll hear personal experiences and strategies in maintaining a healthy relationship and effective collaboration, both in parenting roles and in professional endeavors.

This episode also touches upon the concept of relational development as a spiritual path, offering a perspective on personal growth and the importance of mutual support in relationships. They explore the consequences of developmental gaps experienced during adolescence and how they can affect adult intimate relationships, with the guests sharing personal insights and emphasizing the significance of addressing relational trauma.

Main Topics Covered:

Unique insights into adult development stages and how gaps in these stages can impact intimate relationship
The significance of relational health and how it impacts every area of our lives
The art of parenting and collaboration in relationships with real-life examples
The balance of individual needs and partnership dynamics in a family setting
Codependency vs Interdependency
The role of relational development in personal growth and spiritual paths

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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63. Setting A New Year “Partnership Theme”

Thu, 04 Jan 2024 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 63 of “The Art of We Podcast”, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer invite listeners to set a theme for their partnership this new year. Their second year creating a theme, they share the power behind a mutually agreed upon, fully aligned, “North Star” that’s different than goal setting but that sets the stage for the quality of life their “We” most needs in the coming year.

You’ll hear how Krista and Dr. Will came up with their partnership theme for the year as well as how they plan to implement it. Unlike individual intentions, when we can look to see what the “We” of us needs – that which includes but transcends both individuals – a lot more comes into focus including new opportunities for creating a healthy, vibrant and potent partnership.

In addition to setting a theme, the hosts share their #1 “if you do anything together this year, do this!” action item for all types of partnerships. Please enjoy and thank you for being part of "The Art of We" community. Wishing you joy, growth, and meaningful connections in the upcoming year!

Main Topics Covered:

What a “partnership theme” is and why you want one
An example of how to come up with a partnership theme
How and why Krista and Dr. Will chose their theme
The importance of prioritizing quality of life as much as quantity of life inside partnership

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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62. Our “We” Goal Setting Process For The New Year

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Episode 62 of "The Art of We" Podcast – a special episode marking the completion of our commitment to a full year of weekly episodes in 2023. In this episode we share how we will be reviewing this past year and our new and unique way of setting “We” Goals for this coming year.

We introduce how we are tweaking our annual review process, which involves examining Demartini’s seven key areas of life – spiritual, health, financial, relationship, family, intellectual, and career. This reflective process helps us assess how well we met our goals, what lessons we learned, and identify areas for improvement.

We introduce our new approach to goal setting for the upcoming year. Instead of individual goals, we emphasize "we goals" – goals that are mutually aligned and contribute to the growth and success of the relationship. There’s a new level of possibility for the success of each of us and for our “We” when we are looking from a holistic level and holding our individual goals collectively.

Thank you for being part of "The Art of We" community. Wishing you joy, growth, and meaningful connections in the upcoming year!

Main Topics Covered:

The Seven Areas of Life Framework by John Demartini: we discuss the importance of customizing this framework to align with our personal values and priorities.
Filling the Gaps Together: the importance of identifying gaps in various areas and collaboratively addressing them as a couple.
Bringing Aliveness into Goals: the importance of not only identifying gaps but also recognizing and prioritizing what brings aliveness and joy.
Quality of Goal Pursuit: our shift in letting the end outcomes drive us rather than standing for how we feel in the process of working towards those outcomes

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

John Demartini - 7 Areas Of Life

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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61. How To Love Your Partner Through The Holiday Season

Thu, 21 Dec 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Episode 61 of The Art of the Podcast! In this second-to-last episode of the year, Krista and Will delve into practical practices that can provide support to our partners during family gatherings and social events, especially during the darker time of the year. Released on the solstice, this episode aims to bring more light into your relationships during the festive season.

You’ll hear specific practices that Krista and Will have found effective in navigating stress and triggers during the holiday season. From pre-planning for events to understanding our partner’s subtle stress signals, their practical tips provide a roadmap for fostering a more secure and connected partnership, enhancing the holiday experience for you and your loved one.

Krista and Will invite you to venture into the realm of creating new, elevated experiences within your relationship. Discover the transformative power of embracing fresh perspectives during challenging circumstances, particularly in the context of family gatherings and social events during the holiday season.

Main Topics Covered:

The impact of family history on behavior during holiday gatherings and the ways in which certain memories and patterns can automatically surface.
Pre-Gaming with your partner before potentially challenging family or social events, discussing potential triggers and creating a game plan for support.
Understanding how different parts of your personality can contribute to less effective communication and support in moments of stress.
Tracking signals and non-verbal cues from your partner, allowing for proactive support and intervention in real time.
A relationship agreement (turned marriage vow) that helps to protect each other, not only in public and private, but also from themselves.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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60. Purpose + Purposeful Action

Thu, 14 Dec 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In this podcast episode, Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer engage in a thoughtful discussion on the topics of purpose and purposeful action. Driven by their experiences, they highlight the energetic difference between purposeful action, where one consciously moves toward significant goals, and non-purposeful action, characterized by a sense of tension, anxiety, and purposelessness.

They draw parallels between their insights in a business context and the dynamics within their relationship, emphasizing the role of purpose in fostering a sense of order and fulfillment .As they reflect on the end of the year, they explore the importance of setting wildly unachievable goals and the transformative impact such aspirations can have. The conversation evolves into exploring the nuances of goal-setting, sharing their differences in what works for the greatest success in accomplishing desired outcomes.

As the hosts prepare for the next season of their podcast, they express anticipation for deepening conversations about their shared goals, encouraging listeners to reflect on their own journeys toward generativity, aliveness, and purposeful action. The hosts conclude by inviting listeners to share their own processes around goal-setting and the containers that work best for them.

Main Topics Covered:

The transformative impact of setting ambitious, seemingly unachievable goals
The difference between purposeful action and non-purposeful action, and why that matters
The parallels between their business context and within their relationship, in fostering order, fulfillment, and a positive energetic flow
Goal-Setting Perspectives: the nuances of goal-setting to instill confidence and forward momentum
Fear-based patterns that can arise if a goal is to small or too big
Pendulating between pride and shame relating to goals and action

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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59. Gambling Everything For Love (Marriage Vow)

Thu, 07 Dec 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In Episode 59 of The Art of We Podcast, hosts Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer delve into the theme of "Gambling Everything for Love." In this podcast episode, the hosts explore how this commitment (which they turned into a wedding vow) represents the fullest expression of limitless possibilities in a relationship. By risking old survival strategies that may hinder genuine connection, the hosts emphasize the importance of taking bold steps for the type of love they aspire to.

The hosts reflect on their individual journeys towards seeking secure functioning partnerships, and the concept of not knowing what kind of partnership you have unless you are willing to risk bringing everything to the table. When you bring everything to the table you give the partnership – and the partners – the chance to step up to meet the opportunity. If we get stuck in thinking our partners or partnership cannot handle something, and thus we choose not to address something important, then we are inadvertently putting a limitation on what’s possible.

The hosts conclude by sharing tangible daily practices they employ to live out the vow of "gambling everything for love." These practices include envisioning the kind of partnership they desire, addressing biases about each other, and tracking moments of discomfort or unexpressed feelings. By continuously working on their relationship, the hosts advocate for a deep and meaningful connection, providing insights and encouragement for listeners to embrace vulnerability and take risks in their own pursuit of love.

Main Topics Covered:

The details of what it means to “gamble everything for love”
Why they turned this into a marriage vow and why it’s foundational to their partnership
Their individual journeys that led them to this perspective
The importance of reflecting on the potential or possibility of your partnership and not defaulting to it as a static entity
The challenges and fears of this marriage vow and how Krista and Will work with these
Practices to support living into “gambling everything for love” together

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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58. Supporting Each Other’s Greatest Expression (Marriage Vow)

Thu, 30 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In Episode 58 of the Art of We podcast, Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer delve into another foundational agreement turned vow in their relationship. Join them as they explore the nuances of supporting each other's greatest expression and the pivotal role it plays in their partnership. The hosts share personal experiences, emphasizing the necessity of a secure home base for authentic expression and the impact of mutual support on their professional endeavors.

Dr. Will and Krista underscore the value of recognizing and addressing blind spots together, fostering growth and finding possibility, especially when it’s hard. They discuss the proactive and courageous stance required to accept and hold each other accountable to live into one another’s greatest expression, emphasizing the cost of suppressing important goals and desires in order to avoid facing conflict in relationship. The episode dives into the nuances of navigating differences in mindsets, touching on cancel culture and the importance of respectful discourse.

As the hosts share examples of personal challenges, they stress the significance of taking time, seeking external support when needed, and finding alignment in overcoming obstacles. The episode concludes with an invitation for listeners to reflect on their own relationships, encouraging open communication and the courage to stand for their partner's fullest expression. Tune in for more insightful discussions on the Art of We podcast!

Main Topics Covered:

Personal Growth as the Supportive Partner: the challenges and growth opportunities inherent in supporting a partner's self-expression
Creating a Safe Home Base: the significance of a secure home base for authentic expression and ability to transform
Overcoming Challenges and Finding Mutuality: the importance of a partner seeing beyond individual perspectives
Navigating Differences: the need for respectful discourse and differences of opinion to foster cultural progression
Overcoming Challenges Together: the role of a partner in helping navigate blind spots and fostering growth

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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57. Facing Loneliness This Time Of Year

Thu, 23 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 57 of the "Art of We" podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer discuss the epidemic of loneliness and isolation, particularly during the darker and colder days of the year. They emphasize the importance of normalizing these feelings and acknowledge that even individuals in strong partnerships or with supportive communities often experience a version of loneliness.

Dr. Will speculates on the biological and societal factors contributing to seasonal loneliness. Krista shares statistics from the US Surgeon General of 2023, highlighting the significant health risks associated with social isolation.

The hosts explore various strategies to cope with loneliness, including sharing their common go-tos. Dr. Will discusses the benefits of bright light therapy for seasonal affective disorder and the potential role of vitamin D supplementation in addressing depression. They conclude by encouraging listeners to also share their experiences and coping strategies around loneliness.

Main Topics Covered:

Loneliness and isolation are discussed as an epidemic, especially during the darker days of the year.
Biological and societal factors contribute to seasonal loneliness.
Statistics from the US Surgeon General highlight the health risks associated with social isolation.
Normalizing everyone feels flavors of this from time to time and ways to help soothe the
Bright light therapy and vitamin D supplementation are suggested as potential interventions for seasonal affective disorder.
Reflecting on negative historical experiences during this time of year that can color the present day experience

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements
The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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56. WeOS: Optimizing Relationships At Work

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 56 of the "Art of We" podcast, hosts Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer delve into the intricate relationship between personal and professional growth and what can be possible inside professional relationships that have varying hierarchical structures or power dynamics.

They revisit Stan Taktin’s concept of "secure functioning" and introduce their We Operating System (WeOS), a framework influenced by neuroscience, The Collaborative Way, and growth mindsets. The hosts unpack three crucial elements for fostering optimal relationships in hierarchical settings, emphasizing the integration of personal and professional development, establishing collaborative agreements, and embracing a progress-over-perfection mindset.

Main Topics Covered:

The “WeOS” Framework:

Introduction to the neuroscience-inspired concept of "secure functioning"
Overview of their We Operating System (WeOS), incorporating three key components: Secure Functioning, Growth-Oriented Mindset, and the Collaborative Way.

Three Essential Elements for Optimal Professional Relationships:

Committing to personal growth together within hierarchical relationships.
Establishing agreements and practices to promote a more secure, strong and healthy working relationship.
Embracing progress over perfection, focusing on excellence and continuous learning.

Leadership Responsibility and Team Dynamics:

The role of leaders in practicing collaborative agreements and remaining open to feedback.
Reflections on the collaborative nature of successful team dynamics and the impact of these principles on overall team performance.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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55. Will’s “Me to We” Transition As A Business Leader

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode of "The Art of We," Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer delve into the fascinating journey of transitioning from a "me-first" mindset to a "we-focused" perspective in both personal and professional leadership. Dr. Will shares his evolution from a solo psychiatrist to a leader in a large organization, highlighting the challenges and insights gained along the way.

Episode Highlights:

Introduction (0:00 - 0:57)

Interviewing Dr. Will and the episode's focus on his journey from a solo practitioner to a leader in a large organization.

Evolution from Solo Practitioner (0:57 - 6:27)

Dr. Will's background as a solo psychiatrist and the initial one-man show in his private practice.
The significance of the success being primarily about him, his reputation, and word-of-mouth referrals.
The gradual shift towards hiring staff members but still maintaining an "all about me" mindset.

Leadership Development (6:27 - 13:25)

Krista reflects on the transformation from "me" to "we" perspective and the importance of thinking about what's best for the company.
The challenges of transitioning and the need for collaboration and vulnerability.
The journey of learning to rely on others and the shift from "I can do it better" to "we can do more."

The Importance of Collaboration (13:25 - 19:19)

Dr. Will's struggle with social anxiety and delegating tasks, and the fear of relinquishing control.
The significance of transforming into a leader who trusts others' abilities and harnesses collective intelligence.
The analogy of a silverback gorilla as an example of leading from a "we" perspective for the greater good.

Leadership and Growth (19:19 - 22:11)

Emphasizing the importance of mentoring and coaching others and sharing credit and responsibility.
The benefits of creating a culture of collaboration and collective intelligence within an organization.
The evolution of leadership from "I can do it better" to "we can do more."

Challenges and Vulnerability (22:11 - 25:01)

Dr. Will's fear of becoming irrelevant in the shift towards a "we" perspective.
The relief and challenges of sharing success, responsibility, and blame with others.
The importance of facing psychological limitations and embracing growth.

Support and Personal Growth (25:01 - 26:34)

The role of psychotherapy and support systems in personal and professional development.
Acknowledging the importance of seeking psychological support when needed.

Conclusion (26:34)

Encouraging listeners to explore the benefits of adopting a "we" perspective in various aspects of their lives.
The realization that a "we" perspective is essential for a bigger impact and requires personal growth and support.

Tune in to gain valuable insights on the journey from a "me" to a "we" mindset in leadership and discover the transformative power of collaboration and collective success in personal and professional growth.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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54. Why You Need Relationship Agreements At Home + At Work

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Episode 54 of "The Art of We" podcast. In this episode, we explore two essential aspects why agreements are vital for the success of relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Too often, we only focus on what we need to “do” to accomplish our goals, rather than understanding the security of our relationships is an essential part to accomplishing our goals. Relationship agreements help build this security and create a very strong competitive advantage.

Picture a treacherous, winding mountain road without guardrails. A relationship without agreements can be similar. It's a journey with many unknowns, where tensions and conflicts can arise unexpectedly. Without agreements, we risk falling off the metaphorical cliff. The steeper the mountain (ambitious goals), the harder the fall, making it challenging to climb back up together. Explicit relationship agreements act as guardrails, helping us navigate safely, resolve issues, and stay on course.

Krista shares her experience of adopting explicit relationship agreements with Will. These agreements prevent catastrophic ruptures and quickly resolve nagging issues, allowing them to focus on their shared vision rather than getting lost in the weeds. They also promote self-awareness, enabling them to address disagreements and challenges constructively. Explicit relationship agreements act as the foundation for productive, satisfying relationships.

Integrating agreements into one's personal and professional life can be transformative. It brings intentionality and focus, replacing a passive, meandering approach. We share the challenge of navigating relationships when individuals have diverse backgrounds, cultures, and experiences. For example, mismatched understandings of commitment and conflict resolution can hinder progress. Agreement-making clarifies expectations, aligns communication, and allows groups to work cohesively.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The importance of agreements as guardrails in relationships.
How explicit relationship agreements can prevent catastrophic ruptures and resolve nagging issues.
The role of agreements in aligning communication and fostering collaboration in diverse groups.
The transformative power of accountability and intentionality.

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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53. Choosing The Right Business Partner

Thu, 26 Oct 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In episode 53, Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer dive deep into the complexities of selecting the right business partner. They embark on a journey through the early stages of forming a business partnership or co-founder relationship, offering valuable insights and wisdom that go beyond conventional advice found online.

The episode begins by likening the initial partnership discussions to a dating experience. Dr. Will and Krista share essential questions to ask potential partners, such as inquiring about past partnership experiences, conflict resolution methods, and the reasons behind not being in previous partnerships. They underscore the importance of assessing a person's subjective interpretation of their past experiences, as this can reveal much about their mindset and readiness for collaboration.

As the conversation unfolds, the hosts shed light on practical considerations for prospective business partners. They emphasize the significance of finding complementary skill sets and strengths within a partnership. Drawing parallels between successful business partnerships and various forms of teamwork, they highlight the need for well-defined roles and areas of expertise.

The episode delves into the delicate matter of commitment and motivation. Listeners are encouraged to evaluate their potential partners' commitment levels and motivations. You’ll hear a distinction between ego-driven motives and deep, impactful purposes, and an exploration of maintaining a growth-oriented mindset, especially in the face of entrepreneurial challenges.

Tune in to this episode for an in-depth exploration of the early stages of choosing the right business partner and building a strong foundation for a successful partnership.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Advice on how to choose the right business partner and what questions to ask
Essential skill sets and strengths for successful partnerships, ensuring that partners can work harmoniously and move the company mission forward
The importance of a growth-oriented mindset for overcoming entrepreneurial challenges
Being comfortable with discomfort, addressing challenges, and providing and receiving feedback effectively
Creating clear agreements for the business relationship to ensure a successful partnership and successful company

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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52. Why You Want A "Secure Functioning" Business Partnership

Thu, 19 Oct 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In Episode 52 of "The Art of We Podcast," Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer delve into the vital concept of secure functioning within the realm of business partnerships. Listen in to explore how secure functioning applies not only to personal relationships but also to the world of business. The key assertion is that the health, security and success of the business partnership is directly correlated with the health, security and success of the business.

Secure functioning comprises three crucial phases in any relationship: feeling connected, navigating ruptures or disconnections, and actively repairing these disconnections. Krista and Will emphasize the importance of fostering trust in these three phases, which significantly reduces anxiety about the inevitable ruptures in any partnership. By actively addressing and repairing these disconnections, business partners can pave the way creating an extraordinary partnership that becomes a real competitive advantage.

The episode underscores the significance of addressing personal issues and working towards personal growth within the partnership, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling, creative, and generative business partnership that has the capacity to fulfill the mission and vision for the business.. Secure functioning isn't limited to intimate relationships; it's equally essential for business partnerships aspiring to create something extraordinary.

Tune in for an engaging discussion that sheds light on the principles of secure functioning and its transformative impact on business partnerships.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why business partners and co-founders want a secure functioning relationship
How the success of a business is intricately linked to the success of the partnership
Co-founders’ power to set the culture and maximize their contributions to the organization
How avoiding difficult conversations can lead to diverting attention from creative tasks to mundane ones
The importance of open communication and clearing the air to reinvigorate creativity and possibilities within the business

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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51. Secure Attachment vs Secure Functioning In Partnerships

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Welcome to The Art of We podcast, Episode 51, where we delve into the intricacies of adult relationships, exploring the concept of attachment styles and adult functioning. Dr. Will Van Derveer and Krista Van Derveer, your hosts, embark on a journey to clarify these terms and provide valuable insights to help you navigate your relationships.

Attachment styles, often linked to our early childhood experiences with caregivers, can shape how we relate to others as adults. There are two primary categories: secure and insecure attachment patterns. Secure functioning, on the other hand, pertains to how adults interact with each other, emphasizing mutual exchange and collaboration.

The hosts stress the importance of distinguishing between attachment and functioning, considering the unique dynamics of adult partnerships. They aim to cultivate secure functioning in their relationships, focusing on their ability to handle ruptures and challenges.

For those coming from families with insecure attachment styles, the path to secure functioning requires work. It's a continuous journey of self-improvement, akin to building and maintaining a strong, healthy body.

Krista and Will invite listeners to assess how they function in their relationships, whether they compromise their integrity for connection or remain isolated in their quest to stay true to themselves. They challenge the idea that connection and authenticity are mutually exclusive, urging individuals to explore the possibility of fostering both simultaneously.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Krista and Will’s definition of attachment vs adult functioning
How attachment patterns become a template for future relationships
(In)secure functioning in adult relationships vs. (In)secure attachment infant-caregiver relationships
How our vows support our level of secure functioning
How to become stronger at secure functioning with your partner
Examples of the secure functioning process

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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50. When Partners Have Different Approaches To Aging

Thu, 05 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Welcome to episode 50! In line with Krista turning 50 next year, we are exploring divergent perspectives around big life experiences, such as aging, and the importance of these conversations in order to stay deeply connected and aligned as a couple.

Using Peter Attia’s work to guide our exploration of health, we share the conscious and subconscious perspectives that we hold onto as we age. Krista illustrates how being inspired by Will’s commitment to health has revealed potential discrepancies about how we hold aging and what that can indicate for the future of our “We.”

Unaddressed divergent perspectives can create undesired misalignments in relationships. Whether it’s about aging, health, growth, or other significant life topics, if we are not proactively talking about how our views differ, we risk waking up one day realizing how far apart we are without knowing it.

We explore what happens when values shift for partners over time and how to respond, and how explicit agreements can help keep us attuned and aligned over time. Plus, we share steps to help initiate a caring conversation with a partner around important areas of life where you recognize there might be differing perspectives.

Our invitation for you this week is to discover how you and your partner relate to aging and entering the second half of your lives. Do you see it as a slow decline, or do you view aging as a process that brings more possibility and generativity? We want to hear from you. Reach out and let us know your thoughts on kristavanderveer.com

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Addressing divergent perspectives when it comes to aging
Peter Attia’s optimization of health
Krista and Will’s views around actions that impact future health and thus their We
How 2 of our vows bring us from “divergent” in our views to aligned
The psychological toggle between playing offense vs. defense in life
Will shares an example of how values changed with a previous partner
Examples for how partners can approach difficult conversations

Resources Mentioned:

The Drive podcast by Peter Attia
Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity by Peter Attia
Peter Attia’s website
Dan Go on Twitter
The Art Of We - Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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49. Staying Connected While Apart

Thu, 28 Sep 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Something that we continue to learn about trips spent away from the other partner is how to stay connected and improve transitions. In line with this episode, Krista is hosting solo (while Will is traveling) and explores what she and Will are learning about each other when time is spent apart, and how to really care for each other when they come back together to avoid potential rupture.

Krista shares three agreements she and Will have created for comings & goings (shorter travel) and longer forms of separation to help them stay connected, secure, and present in both their relationship and individual lives. Forming specific agreements is in effort to keep everyone feeling safe and secure — for Krista and Will, this looks like contact at the beginning and end of the day, communication about anything that could impact the relationship, and calling each other when one person is in extra need.

Krista also illustrates an example of a potential rupture she and Will had when coming back together, and how assumptions and expectations can take a conversation’s place. Finding ways to care more deeply and carefully for each other is a massive developmental path, but there are so many opportunities through the process to grow individually and together.

Our invitation for you this week is to reflect to see what works really well for your relationship, and what doesn’t. Do you feel secure in the relationship when one partner leaves, or do insecurities and concerns come up? Reach out and let us know, we’d love to hear from you.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Krista shares a communication tool can help couples stay connected
How to stay connected for both presence in the moment and consideration for the other
Agreement #1: Contact at the beginning and end of the day
Agreement #2: Communication about anything that could impact the relationship
Agreement #3: Calling the other if someone is highly dysregulated or potentially unsafe
An example of potential rupture when coming back together
Krista unveils what the shadow at her door was

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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48. Harnessing The Gifts Of Loss + Death

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Trigger Warning: Discussion of death at 5:41–8:09

This is a special edition podcast episode: Eight years ago — on the exact day we recorded this episode — Krista’s previous partner to Will suddenly died. While we tend to think about loss and grief as negative experiences, we don’t always think about the richness or gifts that can be relieved through the process. In this episode, we explore Krista’s loss and lessons from eight years of distance, but also, how grief can serve as an unexpected doorway to our next greatest calling.

Krista shares how a deep loss and her dark night of the soul triggered years of healing and processing, but also gave her profound insight to stand for something she really wanted, and an uncanny commitment to co-create it in this lifetime: her extraordinary marriage with Will.

Our vulnerable share comes from the belief that when we have the right support to process and to heal, our losses can ultimately lead us to important life lessons that we potentially otherwise wouldn't learn. However in order to find the “gold” we have to move through the hard feelings to get to the gold.

Our invitation for you this week is to reflect deeply and hold your losses. Are there places where you can learn and grow from the hardest moments that you've been through? Please share any findings with us, we’d love to hear from you.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Krista reflects on the eight-year journey around grief, loss, and the challenge of being human
Krista shares context around her past relationship and her former partner’s death
The complexity of questioning our actions and finding a reframe for overtaking responsibility
Krista shares a lingering conversation and how it allowed her to examine moments
How Krista’s loss helped create a shift around relationship from the “we” perspective
The gift of trusting loss and the value of things not always working out the way we want
Why standing up for something you want is a daily, committed experience

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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47. When One Partner Has Low Grade Depression

Thu, 14 Sep 2023 05:00:00 -0700

When one partner shows signs of low grade depression, it can sometimes be hard to know how to effectively provide support. If left unaddressed, not only is there an “elephant in the room” but it also can leave unintended negative impacts on the relationship. Often, depression can be viewed as a “problem” that’s usually left up to the person who is experiencing the depression to figure out how to overcome it. Our view is that this approach is ineffective. In this episode we share a myriad of perspectives, causes, and solutions to support the couple to effectively navigate when one partner is experiencing symptoms of depression.

In this episode, we frame low grade depression as something that is a normal part of being human. We illustrate contributing factors that can affect a sense of fulfillment and joy, including the gut-brain connection, unhealthy habits, mis-alignment with values, and toxic environments. We share several tools we’ve used to deal with depression together as a couple, including Dr. Will’s advice from 20+ years of working with patients who have found relief in symptoms of depression.

Our invitation for you this week is to be gentle yet honest with yourself — and your partner — so that you are able to work as a team and address darker periods and find possibility, together. And be sure to head back to episodes 44–46, where we share how and why we sought out external support.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The three major aspects of depression, from problem to perspective
The importance of how we frame and view the depression as a couple
Krista and Will share the three top causes of mild depression
How not fulfilling your highest values and soul’s purpose can impact your emotions
The question for couples about their shared mission
The gut-brain connection and its effect on mental health
Practices for navigating and supporting depression
The possibility of external support if other tools don’t aid the depression
The importance of honesty with yourself and your partner about your depression

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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46. This Simple Shift Expands Our Access To Pleasure

Thu, 07 Sep 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Getting external support helps to take our connection and intimacy to the next level. In this episode, we recap our session with Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Alyssa Morin. We share why we decided to book a session with Alyssa and disclose a key takeaway that’s created a big positive shift in our physical connection.

We discuss our relationship to certain aspects of touch, as well as shared and individual challenges we face around pleasure, touch, and cultural and gender programming. Plus, Krista details takeaways from an experience with The Verdant Collective, a sex education and sexological body work program led by Alyssa and her colleagues. Unlearning programming is a significant part of the process.

Be sure to head back to Episode 45 for our guest interview with Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Alyssa Morin! Feel free to share any insights or takeaways with us. We’d love to hear from you.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Krista and Will’s navigation of misattuned physical touch
Will’s exaggerated startle response
Intimate details of Alyssa’s session with Krista and Will
Challenges of touching your partner in a way that feels good
The cultural and gender-focused layers of programming regarding pleasure
The importance of a couple getting external support

Resources Mentioned:

Connect with Alyssa:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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45. Sexologial Bodywork + Somatic Sex Education (with Alyssa Morin)

Thu, 31 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker Alyssa Morin joins us on this episode to explore cutting edge frameworks for improving intimacy and connection. Alyssa outlines practices to facilitate healing and get into deeper contact with what feels good. Plus, we look at how this branch of “parts work” can positively impact other areas of life outside the bedroom.

Alyssa guides individuals, couples, and groups on how they can better navigate intimacy with themselves and the people around them. So much of her work centers on helping folks break out of the unconscious narratives or expectations they have about pleasure, sex, intimacy, and connection. Many of those scripts result in nervous system dysregulation, and in our conversation, We explore opportunities that arise when we or our partners can identify your fight, flight, freeze or appease response in an intimate situation.

We also unpack the ‘willing to’ versus ‘wanting to’ conversation, particularly in situations where personal boundaries and a partner’s desires are out of alignment. Alyssa highlights her trauma-informed approach to sexological bodywork and what to expect when working with her one-on-one.

Stay tuned for Episode 46 where we’re going to recap our session with Alyssa!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The nuances between sexological bodywork and somatic sex education
Advice for anyone who feels like their sexuality and intimacy are falling flat, but don’t know how to address it with their partner
Examples of ‘freeze’ and ‘appease’ intimacy responses
Practices you can do with your partner (or solo) to discover greater connection and intimacy
Learning to move through moments of resistance or intimidation with a sense of curiosity
How sexological bodywork and somatic sex education can support people who’ve experienced sexual or intimacy trauma

Resources Mentioned:

Connect with Alyssa:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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44. When To Seek Couple's Therapy

Thu, 24 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Our commitment to seeking external support for our marriage is rooted in our vow to lean on our community when we need it. We understand the challenge of deciding when to address issues within the relationship versus when it’s time to look for professional assistance. In today’s episode, we discuss the three types of external support we’ve used that have significantly impacted our relationship. We believe that seeking external support, including couple’s therapy, is a sign of strength and a crucial element to maintain the health and wellness of your “We.”

One of the main ways we get support is through couples therapy. Because it’s crucial to work with a therapist who’s aligned with your views on partnership and growth, we break down differences in therapeutic approaches, questions to ask when seeking support, and reasons why you might want to get external support. Plus, we open up about our session with a Sexological Bodywork practitioner, which has deepened our intimate connection and helped us confront personal conflicts related to pleasure.

Our invitation for you this week is to explore with your partner how you each relate to getting external support, and have an honest look at where you might currently want or need help to address challenges or to invest in taking your interpersonal dynamic to the next level of health.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The three types of external support we have used for our relationship
Reasons to consider therapy to your relationship
Qualities of a good therapist and tips for finding the right one
Defining t/Trauma and how it may show up in therapy sessions
Viewing therapy as an opportunity to heal, grow, and optimize your relationship
The role of a Sexological Bodyworker
How our session with Sexological Bodywork deepened our intimacy

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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43. How & Why We Take Solo Time

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Deliberate self connection in the service of partnership is a practice that deeply serves our relationship. When we commit taking time to ourselves we can do the inner work of discovering what’s inside us at deeper levels. When we are in more touch ourselves below the surface layers, we can share ourselves more fully with our partners, creating a connection together that penetrates into a deeper, more present state of mind, heart, and soul, and that disrupts the surface level connection that can become habitual when living busy and full lives.

In this episode, we share the negative impacts on our relationship when we are not intentionally taking solo time away from one another and away from external distractions. We share the importance of appreciating and naming our different needs around solo time and also our different styles of processing our experience. When we don’t lean into this practice of solo time, our nervous systems are more easily dysregulated and younger parts of ourselves tend to show up and steal the show.

Lastly, we share how we’ve invested effort in navigating what can come up relationally when we stand for our individual needs, including working through the fear that our partner may experience when we take time to ourselves. We include our specific practices that help us stay connected to ourselves so we can more fully show up for each other, and truly live into “We can do more than I can” together.

If this episode sparked any interesting conversations, or inspired a topic request for future episodes, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Our heartfelt prayers for those impacted by the Maui fires
Why we need solo time to have a healthy & meaningful connection together
What taking specific deliberate time to connect with ourselves looks like
The negative impacts on our relationship when we don’t take time to ourselves regularly
Our individual approaches for deeper self connection
Uncomfortable feelings that may come up when we choose to take time alone
An invitation to check in with your self connection, and then ask the same of your partner

Resources Mentioned:

Books by Stan Tatkin

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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42. When One Partner Has An Exit Route

Thu, 10 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In a relationship, one partner may have an exit route, an external or internal dialogue that creates a one-sided connection. In our past relationships, backdoor exits were unilateral and not navigated together — instead, insecurity, blaming, and a dysregulated nervous system led the way. Everyone’s situation is different, but for us, making the choice to have each other’s backs and take a leap of faith to show vulnerable parts of ourselves allows a deeper sense of security in our relationship to form.

In this episode, we discuss backdoor exit routes and how they can show up implicitly or explicitly. We share personal experiences from past relationships and the realization that insecurity played a role in our ability to fully trust and open up to our partners — this created silos and an inability to fully have the other’s back. Today, “We can do more than I can” is our reminder to each other that “I got your back.”

Lastly, we explore the difference between codependency and interdependency, and provide tools and questions to help you and/or your partner navigate unsettled emotions about a (potential) backdoor exit route.

If this episode sparked any interesting conversations or realizations, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Implicit and explicit backdoor exits in relationships
How a couple navigated the backdoor exit and found deeper commitment
Krista and Will reflect on past experiences involving backdoor exits
A backdoor exit route as a way to feel secure or superior
How silos can form if we don’t fully have our partner’s back
The difference between codependency and interdependency
How the nervous system is an indicator of a relationships’ emotional state
An inquiry for ourselves or our partner about a backdoor exit

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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41. When To Have Difficult Conversations With Your Family Of Origin

Thu, 03 Aug 2023 05:00:00 -0700

For some of us, deciding when to address unresolved issues with our family of origin can be confusing. Many people choose not to directly address issues so as to not stir the pot. Other people go as far as doing family therapy as adults with their aging parents and other family members. For us, we find it helpful to get clear about the purpose or what we want to accomplish with our family members to help us decide which topics to address and which to leave as water under the bridge, so to speak.

When navigating the relational terrain with family of origin members, there’s often many more complex layers to consider than other types of relationships. In this episode, we explore differences in generations when it comes to interpersonal skills, family cultures, even what we are “up to” in our relationships in general.

We share how we navigate challenging conversations with our own families. We also provide tips for finding success in these types of conversations — including awareness of contrasting versions of reality, impact versus intent, and getting clear about a desired outcome for the relationship, prior to initiating the conversation.

“We can do more than I can” is also an invitation to connect with our families — in support of the relationships we are committed to both learn and heal from. If you come to any new insights about your family’s culture, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Acknowledging differences between generations
Appreciating the impact of our family culture
Will’s story about working through past moments of tension with his dad
The importance of getting clear about why you want to have a conversation
The effect cultural norms have on the way we navigate negative impact with family
An invitation to observe familial culture, ask questions, and notice what can shift

Resources Mentioned:

The Art of We episode #40

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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40. How To Start A Conversation About Negative Impact

Thu, 27 Jul 2023 05:00:00 -0700

To have deeply fulfilling relationships requires that we bring our A-game when it comes to being sensitive to how we impact each other and to bring care when we negatively impact one another. If we are not conscious enough to recognize when we’re having unintended negative impacts on other people or we are not self-aware enough to acknowledge when we’ve been negatively impacted by someone else, we are playing a rookie game when it comes to relationships.

In this episode, Krista is recording solo, and details what she’s learned about the impact of awareness to keep her relationships as clean, clear, and connected as possible. This includes turning conscious and subconscious burdens into (harder) conversations, two conversation frameworks for addressing and cleaning up negative impact, and tips around feedback and conversation consent.

Krista also shares that sometimes even the most prepared for conversations falter. In those moments, compassion for both you and your partnership is imperative, as is a learning mindset, so we can get stronger as a couple every time we navigate a tender or challenging conversation. “We can do more than I can” is an evolution to get better and learn how to love, respect, and care for each other even more.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Becoming more aware of our impact
Krista’s work from turning a blind eye to developing strong self-awareness
The issues with not addressing how we impact each other
The power of consent in conversation
Three conversation starters to check if we’ve had negative impact on another
Three conversation starters to let someone know we’ve been negatively impacted

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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39. A Curiosity Practice That Transforms Partners

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 05:00:00 -0700

We believe a critical element that separates an ordinary from an extraordinary relationship is the skill of curiosity. In a world that feels harder to be present, curiosity isn’t as accessible — which is why we try to come back to the childlike delight of questioning and discovering things. It takes intentionality, presence, and continuous practice to build the skill of curiosity, but the investment can help both heal and transform ourselves and our partners.

In this episode, we explain the difference between true curiosity and socially-appropriate questions, and why receiving curiosity before giving curiosity is so closely tied to Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz’s Parts work. We navigate the reasoning behind an imbalanced curiosity dynamic, and we share a recent dinner “rupture” story, in which curiosity helped us step into the other’s experience and repair.

We also discuss how to help someone navigate deeper curiosity, and provide an example of how we find deeply authentic and connected curiosity in our relationship (within a time limit). When we continue to strengthen the skill of curiosity with each other, we are reminded that “We can do more than I can.”

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The difference between curiosity and questions
The difference between true curiosity and socially-appropriate questions
Why receiving curiosity needs to happen before giving curiosity
How we bring curiosity to Parts work and when stepping into another’s experience
Suggestions for responding to those who aren’t present in their curiosity
An example of how to work on authentic curiosity with another

Resources Mentioned:

Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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38. Money Honey! Finances, Prenups, Decision Making

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 05:00:00 -0700

The conversation around money isn’t always lighthearted, honey. Money is one of the top stressors and major areas of conflict for many couples, which is why we put as much care and attention to how we do finances as we do anything else. In our opinion, there’s not a right or wrong regarding how money is dealt with inside of a partnership, as long as there’s true alignment between both partners.

In this episode, we discuss how finances, prenups, and decision making have all contributed to the overall success of our relationship while respecting individual values along the way. We share past experiences that inform present decision making as a couple, and how Dr. John Demartini’s techniques (which we’ve utilized since the beginning of our marriage) help illustrate perspective around current vs. future lifestyle and income.

We share our outlook on financials as a married couple including the power of agreements throughout the process — especially when rubbing up against a growth edge during harder conversations. We share stories from past experiences in relation to financial dynamics and how those lessons help us appreciate our decisions on how we do money in partnership today. Organization around our finances is one way we are able to access the world through the lens of, “We can do more than I can.”

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Finances as a couple and the power of agreements
The decision of and reason for not getting a prenup
How to spend money in a way that reflects both sets of values
The importance of taking time to process and find alignment about financial decisions
Tactics learned about age, lifestyle, and the ability to earn money
Dr. John Demartini’s financial methods and techniques
How we make decisions around money and plan for the future

Resources Mentioned:

Dr. John Demartini

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
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Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training
Navigating personal financial questions and challenges? Share yours with us, here

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37. The Dark Side of An Optimization Mindset

Thu, 06 Jul 2023 05:00:00 -0700

We continue to understand the intricacies around impact, and its ability to overtake us if we’re not focused on seeking (and maintaining) a balanced mindset. In this episode, we share our conversation around optimization and how its dark side can create impulsivity and over time, become a threat. We also draw from our personal backgrounds — including our individual Enneagram types — to discuss how to take our humanity into account when being cognizant of our goals vs. awareness of present possibilities.

The ability to feed into a compulsive optimization pattern is actually quite relatable. However, the willingness to optimize any — or all — aspects of life can lead to a need to always be better. As a result, a struggle between authenticity and performance can form. If we are able to understand the context around our need for optimization, we can find the “Middle Way” and feel balanced between the two extremes: lack of goals yet present, and obsession with goals yet not present. When we understand how this broad spectrum relates to our ideas around impact, we can form extraordinary types of impact, regardless of what it looks like.

We share how navigating health challenges led to a conversation around the optimization pattern, including our personal agenda of creating the best kind of health and wellness to best live in our values and contribute to the world. Plus, we examine who and what we are optimizing for (a James Clear question), and consider both the healthy and unhealthy desire of impact — which relates to the amount of influence we have on each other, and ties back to our mantra, “We can do more than I can.”

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The need to have a big impact on the world
The downsides of the optimizer mentality
How to hold ambitious goals when not in control of the outcome
The healthy and unhealthy desire of impact
Michelle Obama’s advice about the work being in front of us
How we all influence each other

Resources Mentioned:

Outlive: The Science & Art of Longevity by Peter Attia, MD
The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times by Michelle Obama

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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36. Collaborating With Your Partner? 3 Lessons For Success

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Collaborating with your partner is bound to have its challenges, but how do you navigate partnership on a large, public scale that not only involves collaboration — but also shared responsibility around representation and messaging? We’re taking a look at what came up in the dynamic of our relationship as we were confronted with feelings of control, shadow parts of self, and approaching challenges from an individualistic vs. team perspective.

The attachment we have to something — an idea, an outcome, and expectation — can often be a result of focusing on the attachment instead of the “why” behind the shared goal. When we are able to remind ourselves of the mission and feelings of empowerment around the shared goal, we are able to embody collaboration as an extension of the relationship we have with each other.

We share three lessons for success that helped us come back to our shared belief: Taking a stand makes the world a better place. Plus, we tap into each other’s perspective to learn how the other was responding to and resolving conflict that occurred along the way, as well as how we came back to our mantra of, “We can do more than I can.”

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Collaboration on a bigger, public scale
The alignment of personal and business messaging
The role of Parts work within the Internal Family Systems therapy model
Bringing compassion and curiosity into the present moment
Our organizational values organically arising from personal values

Resources Mentioned:

Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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35. Attachment Styles: A Path To Wholeness In Relationship - Part 2 (Wave)

Thu, 22 Jun 2023 05:00:00 -0700

It’s often said that relationships are like mirrors that magnify what’s happening beneath the surface, and recognizing attachment styles is one of the greatest ways to use that mirror. In this episode, we look at ambivalent attachment, or as psychologist Stan Tatkin refers to it, the “Wave” attachment style.

The typical core injuries of “Wavy” people include receiving reward from a caregiver for being dependent or experiencing inconsistent levels of soothing. These patterns can lead to hyper-vigilance about the security of a relationship and often result in a willingness to do anything for it, even at the expense of one's needs or desires.

“Wavy” folks tend to place responsibility on their partner for feeling sufficiently loved rather than co-creating a secure relationship. This is where the “what are we up to as a couple” question comes in handy to collaborate on building a safe, fulfilling relationship. In our conversation, we summarize how Stan Tatkin suggests couples move towards a “two can do better than one” perspective.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Key characteristics of people with “Wavy” tendencies
The impact on a relationship when a partner operates from a “Wavy” attachment style
Recognizing when you ask questions with a defensive agenda
Staying connected with yourself, even as life gets more complicated
The trajectory of shifting out of “Wavy” patterns and adopting an “Anchor” attachment style

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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34. Attachment Styles: A Path To Wholeness In Relationship - Part 1 (Island)

Thu, 15 Jun 2023 05:00:00 -0700

The most effective way to make it easier to get the love that you want and give your partner the love that they need is to understand each other's attachment style. Stan Tatkin has a helpful framework for recognizing when childhood imprinting comes up, and in this episode, we’re unpacking the layers of what he calls the “Island” attachment style, otherwise known as avoidant insecure attachment.

The defense strategies we use as adults are often the result of the experiences we had with our caretakers as infants. How we regulate the nervous system in the face of perceived challenges directly links back to how we were soothed (or not) during the formative years of our lives. But, that’s not to say there’s no hope for breaking patterns of attachment. In fact, consciously working with these patterns inside relationships creates great opportunities for transformation. The first step is to become conscious of this mechanism, so you’re already on the right path.

We take a look at different statements and scenarios that an Island type of person might relate to. We also work through why it’s important to shift into a more secure, or in Tatkin’s language, “Anchor,” style. Plus, we use ourselves as examples and discuss what parts of the Island attachment style we relate to.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why it’s helpful to have a greater understanding of attachment styles
The four different attachment categories that apply to most people
How misinterpreting attachment styles can lead to relational ruptures
The major blind spots of Island-dominant people
Reflecting on where your defense strategy is running your life

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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33. The One Question All Couples Must Ask

Thu, 08 Jun 2023 05:00:00 -0700

We’re revisiting our first episode to take a look at one of the foundational principles that supports our relationship. We reflect on what's different about our partnership compared to previous ones and unpack the juicy conversation we had on our first date.

Because we’re so committed to a very clear and explicit purpose within our relationship, we skipped the first-date small talk and got right into our vision. We were open about what we wanted to be up to as a couple, which ultimately provided a sense of validation, orientation, and collaboration. We continue to come back to this core question, especially during moments of conflict and disconnection,

When was the last time (if ever) you and your partner talked explicitly about what you’re up to together? Why are you together? Where is your relationship going? These might feel like big questions to bring up, but they provide the roadmap for getting out of those stuck places and building a relationship that feels really aligned.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Where we came up with guiding question we use to discuss the course of our relationship
How we individually got clear on what we desired in a partnership
Embracing the challenge of living authentically
Why a commitment to personal growth is so important for this type of collaboration
Bumping up against childhood patterning and wounding

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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32. Celebrating Birthdays: 3 Lessons For Success

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 05:00:00 -0700

There are a lot of complexities for many people when it comes to birthdays, most of which don’t have anything to do with getting older. In this solo episode, Krista shares how she and Will approach birthdays as a couple and support each other in having meaningful celebrations.

Childhood imprinting can deeply impact your birthday experience if those unconscious filters and perspectives go unchecked. You might not realize you’re carrying around disappointment from decades ago, but there are three key ways to discover and articulate what makes you feel loved on your birthday.

Nothing sets a partner up for failure quite like the “guess what I want for my birthday” game, so by getting clear on what you want and asking for it, not only is there a better chance of getting your desires met, but also helping your partner play a role in that. And even if your birthday doesn’t look exactly how you imagined it, take the opportunity for growth and try to work on the narrative you create about it.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

How birthdays can trigger childhood wounds
Recognizing if it’s challenging to ask for what you want and receive it
Taking responsibility for how your thoughts impact your birthday experience
Ways that Krista and Will are rewriting what birthdays mean to them
Creating intentional traditions around what feels celebratory and comfortable for you

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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31. Pornography's Impact On Relationship

Thu, 25 May 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Few things are equally as pervasive and taboo in our society as pornography. In today's episode, we’re unpacking how pornography addiction or misuse can impact a partnership and sharing ways to address the underlying urge for escapism.

There’s nothing wrong with self-pleasure, but when it becomes the default alternative to dealing with the complexity of a partner, it often results in shame, disconnection, and things left unsaid. Pornography can be a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations about relationship dynamics, but the short-term solution tends to amplify the deeper issues at hand.

Based on our experiences, when you’re willing to have those conversations and engage in meaningful collaboration, the impulse to consume porn becomes less intense. It also creates space to explore pleasure in an authentic way instead of mimicking what you see on your screen, inspiring new levels of intimacy and sexual liberation.

Is there something in the shadows of your relationship? Join us on this episode as we explore different tools that can help you bring it to light and co-create a path forward.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Reflecting on our experiences with pornography and pornography addiction
The impacts of sexual objectification
How pornographic images can actually change the brain
Recognizing what triggers you or your partner’s impulse to consume porn
How to start a dialogue around an unmanaged third in your relationship

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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30. How Meditation Deepens Our "We"

Thu, 18 May 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Meditation is often seen as a solo practice, but in our experience, it can have a deep impact on your relationship with your partner, team members, or really anyone that you come in contact with. In this episode, we describe what our meditation practices look like and how we apply the benefits of it both on and off the cushion.

When you train your brain to quiet the chatter, it creates an opportunity for profound listening both internally and externally. Though we had different entry points and teachers, the guiding principles of discovering what’s going on in your mind and recognizing the filters you listen through are common threads of our meditation practices. But, it’s one thing to practice in a dedicated setting and another to implement the takeaways in daily life.

Meditation gives us so much information when we dive below the surface of words, opinions, and thoughts. In many ways, it’s a non-medicinal framework for connecting with the subconscious and opening up your perspective. Regardless of where you are on your mediation journey – maybe you’ve never tried it, or fallen out of practice, or it’s already part of your routine – we invite you to find a local community or try out a new app to experience the richness that mediation can bring to your relationships.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Meditation as a tool for feeling solid and centered in your life
How becoming a more present listener impacts your relationships
Recognizing what gets in the way of your listening: ego, assumptions, filters
The gap between what you feel during mediation and what you experience in daily life
Getting in deeper contact with your “We” through meditation
Advice for how to get started with developing a consistent mediation practice

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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29. Too Many Needs, Too Little Time?

Thu, 11 May 2023 05:00:00 -0700

What happens when you bring an external element into your couple bubble that disrupts the connectivity? Maybe it’s a child, an aging parent, a new job, or in our case, a puppy, all of which require a reconfiguration of how everyone’s needs are met. In today’s episode, we explore techniques that help us address the impacts of throwing a curveball into our well-oiled system.

When we decided to introduce a new puppy into our dynamic, we knew life was going to be chaotic for the first few months, but ultimately viewed it as an opportunity to expand of our capacity to hold more as a team. Throughout this process, we’re learning to recognize each other's default patterning when things get rocky and help one another shift out of wounded reactivity into a more conscious and sovereign space.

In this episode we share the tools we use to help us during those rocky moments, including practicing compassion for ourselves and our partner. Doing so helps bridge the gap of reconnection and facilitates communication about unmet needs and understanding our partner’s stress responses.

If you’re facing new challenges in your relationship, it might be a good time to revisit the conversation about what you’re “up to” as a couple and address how external factors affect that vision. Where are there opportunities to expand and grow together because of those impacts?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why it’s important to explicitly talk about the purpose of bringing something new into your dynamic
Staying at choice in how we are operating together, versus being dominated by our environment and stressors
Ways to communicate about getting your needs met
Collaborating about how to handle challenges
Staying committed to the vision of what’s possible when you and your partner embrace a growth mindset

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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28. Gamble Everything For The Love You Want

Thu, 04 May 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why we don’t agree with the concept of ‘choosing your battles’
Noticing when make assumptions about your partner and where those beliefs come from
Having safeguards in place to deal with the consequences of addressing an uncomfortable reality that exists in your relationship
Honoring the voice that signals your needs aren’t being met
Developing a willingness to to receive feedback and see it as an opportunity for growth

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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27. Live + Lead From Desire (Marriage Vow)

Thu, 27 Apr 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Don’t want a boring relationship? Then listen to this episode. When you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel of life, it can negatively impact your partnership. One of our marriage vows is to live and lead from desire, meaning we’re committed to charting our own path and embodying our authentic expression versus defaulting to the stifling messaging we received growing up. In this episode, we discuss where this marriage vow stems from and how we support each other in upholding it.

Within our cultural context, it can be difficult to allow ourselves to tap into what we desire, let alone act on it. Between various religious frameworks, the subordination of women, and rigid standards of success, going on autopilot and doing what’s accepted tends to feel safer. But, when there’s little thought put into our decisions and actions, the possibility for growth, both individually and as a couple, shrinks.

In this episode we share practices to help us rise above the daily noise of life that can keep us from hearing the deeper internal layers of our authentic desires and truths. We also share why having a relationship that feels safe and secure is essential in accessing, and then living into, the unfiltered desire and mission of our soul’s purpose.

This week, we invite you to do some self-inquiry and find out what you desire. What do you notice when you start to ask yourself questions about what you really want?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

How we relate to desire as individuals and within the context of our marriage
Unpacking the layers of conditioning that mask our desires
The impacts on our relationship when we’re not leading from desire
Why it can be hard to stay in contact with desire
Rituals that support our connection to this marriage vow

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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26. What Makes A "Power Couple"

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 05:00:00 -0700

A power couple is fueled by two things: their love for each other and their internal drive to make a difference in the world. In this episode, we unpack our interpretation of what a power couple is, share questions that can help you determine whether you’re in a power partnership, and also explore ideas about how to get there.

We've created the kind of partnership that we both dreamed was possible, but that doesn’t mean we’re standing on a power couple podium with a trophy in our hands. It requires a recommitment to the practice of taking a stand for our ‘We’ when we come up against challenges and ruptures. Instead of running away, we’re willing to have raw, direct conversations so we can continue to develop our skill sets and fulfill our shared vision.

As a power couple, we’re regularly examining how we’re using our marriage to make the world a better place. In your relationship, it might look like a shared business or passion project, volunteering together, or deeply supporting each other’s journeys.

We invite you to reflect on the unique makeup of your ‘We’ and determine how you connect to it in a way that's fulfilling, alive, and passionate. What is the most extraordinary gift that your ‘We’ could contribute to the world? And is your partner willing to walk that path with you?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Our definition of what a power couple is (and isn’t)
What it means to take a stand for the kind of partnership that you desire
Ways that we continue to develop as individuals and as a couple
A question to spark a conversation about your purpose for being together as a couple
Finding ways for you and your partner’s top priorities and passions to intermingle

Resources Mentioned:

Download the three critical conversation topics that will help you and your partner discuss how to cultivate a power couple dynamic: kristavanderveer.com
The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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25. Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Navigating This Hard Question

Thu, 13 Apr 2023 05:00:00 -0700

When you’re asking yourself if you should stay in a relationship or leave it behind, it can feel painful and confusing, even heartbreaking. In our previous relationships, we grappled with this dilemma a lot and dealt with it in different ways. There are various scenarios that might lead you to question the future of your partnership, and in this episode, we share how we navigated that period of our lives and questions to help guide you through it if you find yourself there now.

Maybe you’re in a situation where abuse is present, or infidelity, or perhaps you're tired of tolerating broken agreements. Sometimes the ‘should I stay or should I go’ question stems from living parallel lives or feeling misaligned with the life that your partner envisions for themselves. Being in that headspace can feel incredibly isolating and disempowering, but there are certain therapeutic tools that can support couples through it.

There’s a process that's unique to each partnership that needs to happen in order to get clarity. We invite you to think about what kind of relationship you stand for and if this is mutually desired by both of you. Are you and your partner willing and capable to do the work to achieve what you desire together? Join us on this episode as we explore this question, and more like it, to gain insight into if you should stay or if you should go.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The possibility for creating the type of partnership that has the capacity for deep collaboration, connection, and contribution to the world
Untangling how the relationship patterns that we witnessed as children often inform what we're willing to accept as adults
Reflecting on the ways that we contributed to the outcomes that we created in the past
How Will and his ex-wife came to the conclusion to end their marriage
Krista’s ‘North Star’ moment when she claimed the type of relationship she wanted for herself
Questions to consider about the circumstances of your relationship

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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24. Tips For Dealing With A Defensive Partner

Thu, 06 Apr 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Working with defensiveness is like an art. We’ve found that explicitly talking about what we each need when we are in a defensive state has really supported us to more easily and successfully make it through those fiery and challenging times. In this episode, we explore the impact of defensiveness, ways that we support ourselves and our partners in the heat of the moment.

Like most behavior changes, a great first step is to notice when and why we default to certain thought patterns or actions. When you look at what’s underneath the layer of defense, you’ll discover the vulnerability that’s being masked by anger or self-righteousness. This process can often reveal an unmet need and create space for deeper repair.

In our conversation, we share tips to help minimize and eventually resolve defensiveness within relationships. With the help of a couples therapist or relationship coach, there are ways to engage in painful moments in a collaborative way, but it requires a willingness to see the opportunities that exist within defensiveness.

Our invitation this week is to notice when you or your partner get defensive and reflect on what's actually happening for you. The more you can become self-aware about your own defensiveness, the quicker you're going to be able to repair it and develop a deeper connection.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

How to work with defensiveness inside of a relationship
Leaning into the curiosity for how your actions impact other people
How to start a conversation that’s focused on more than right versus wrong
Ideas for crafting an agreement with your partner around what happens when you encounter defensiveness
Relationship advice for when one partner is unwilling to changeg
A reminder that a deeper type of collaborative partnership is real and available to you

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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23. Do Your Perfectionistic Tendencies Impact Your Partnership?

Thu, 30 Mar 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Do you have control over your perfectionism or does it have control over you? Today we get into the pros and cons of perfectionism and the impact it has on our “We.” We illustrate ways that we work with perfectionism, both individually and together, and also the ripple effect that it has on our relationship when we don’t address it.

Perfectionism tends to get a bad rap, but when it doesn’t have you in its grip, it can be used as a tool to strive for better quality and continued improvement. It’s when we spiral into obsession and stress that we start to question our worthiness, safety, and validity. Like so many aspects of our psychology, those reactions are often linked to imprints from childhood.

When we notice the talons of perfectionism sinking into one another, we like to gently make contact with each other and work through the root cause of that behavior. Sometimes it looks like parts work, other times it’s meditation, movement, or just changing up the routine to get out of our heads and into our bodies.

Our challenge to you this week is to notice where perfectionism comes up for you: How does it serve you? How does it stifle you? How does it impact your partner?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Reflecting on how perfectionism affects our quality of life and world together
The aspect of perfectionism that feels fun and empowering
How the feedback we received as children connects to our relationship with perfectionism as adults
Examples of where our perfectionistic tendencies show up
What we like to do individually and together when we notice an unhealthy attachment to specific outcomes

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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22. Tech Addiction: When Your Partner Can't Put It Down

Thu, 23 Mar 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Becoming more conscious of what we spend our time on, particularly outside the office
Learning how to express the need for contact and attention
Experimenting with an agreement about how we use technology in the evening
Ways that social media might be covering up a lack of authentic connection
How we can experience more freedom by practicing constraint

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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21. 5 Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble

Thu, 16 Mar 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, we unpack five signs that your relationship might be in trouble or indicate roadblocks to creating the type of partnership that’s a powerful and positive force to be reckoned with. In our combined 40 years of being in relationship, we share why these five are at the top of the list and are crucial to address for a long-term fulfilling and extraordinary “We.”

It’s easy to create a partnership based on cultural or familial messages of what it looks like to be in relationship: “if my partner really loves me then I don’t need to change,” “choose your battles and don’t bother with the rest,” or “don’t address the small things - just be grateful for what you have.”

However, it takes real work and courage to create a partnership based on the authentic values and explicit desires of each partner in the relationship. In our experience, the work is well worth the reward of what becomes possible for the individuals and the couple as a result.

In our conversation, we share personal examples where we get stuck, how our relationship is a continual learning path for us, and we offer encouragement and suggestions for anyone who experiences the signs we mention in this episode.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why we believe that we can do more together than we can alone
Understanding the deeper impact of your actions and committing to changing those patterns
Actively choosing to view challenges as opportunities for growth
The spectrum of shared and individual responsibility
How to tell if there’s fear-based interdependence in your relationship
Working through the fears that might prevent you from fully supporting your partner’s success

Resources Mentioned:

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
Our episode on unmanaged thirds 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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20. Navigating (Cupid-Killing) Complaining

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 05:00:00 -0700

In this episode, we take a look at the (unsexy) impact of complaining inside primary relationships and we share our agreement around holding and handling complaints in our marriage.

When it comes to personal development and deepening relationships, there often comes a point when we’re faced with the reality of how complaining hinders our growth and possibilities. When there’s a lingering sense of negativity, it can limit the opportunities for connection, mutual empowerment, collaboration and feeling of joy being together.

There’s nothing wrong with the cathartic venting, but we like to take it a step further. When both partners view complaining as an opportunity to grow, it’s a game changer. Allowing space for venting is easy with the understanding that we're going to also get to a place of owning our part and exploring solutions together. Under every complaint we can find a request and a path forward that feels empowering. In our conversation, we dive into examples of what this agreement looks like in our marriage and professional relationships.

Our invitation this week is to use this episode as a jumping off point and open up the conversation with someone in your life who you feel could use a new perspective on complaining.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The root causes of complaining
Actively choosing to limit complaints and get curious about why you’re doing it
The different impacts of being positional versus venting
The hidden value of complaining
Advice for anybody who’s dealing with a habitually negative or disempowered person in their life

Resources Mentioned

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

The Art Of We Website
The Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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19. How We Practice Equality In Our Partnership

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 05:00:00 -0700

One of the foundational agreements we’ve made in our partnership is a commitment to “true mutuality” and “mutual responsibility.”

In this episode, we elaborate on what it looks like to bring mutual ownership to all of our outcomes, how we work with cultural programming regarding roles and responsibilities, and how we work through challenges that come up in this collaborative approach.

For us, true mutuality means having equal power and equal say in our partnership. Mutual responsibility means no one person can be blamed for failures or given sole credit for our successes. Both of us are responsible. We get into examples of what we’re currently working on and what we’re doing to support each other’s success in meeting those expectations.

Small ruptures like clashing over taking out the trash or tidying the house have given us opportunities for examining our own cultural programming and then having the opportunity to make different choices together per our agreement.

In our conversation, we address the benefits and challenges of taking on this agreement of mutuality, and how couples can integrate shared responsibility when someone in the partnership is neurodivergent or struggles with their mental health.

Our invitation for you this week is to investigate where you feel like you and your partner have defaulted into a siloed mentality when it comes to responsibility. Is that working for you, or are you excited by the possibilities that we touch on in this episode? That reflection could be the first step towards more self-awareness and having a conversation about it with your partner.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The benefits of working with your partner to integrate true responsibility and mutuality
Where couples typically get stuck when creating agreements and systems of shared responsibility
Examples of how we aim to uphold this vow in our everyday lives
Catching where cultural programming takes over and challenges the ‘We’ approach
Prioritizing the inspired quality that you want for your partnership above all else

Resources Mentioned

The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch:

Art Of We Website
Art of We Instagram
Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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18. Psychedelic Therapy + Couples

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 05:00:00 -0700

The rise of psychedelic-assisted therapy marks a new phase in mental health care, but the modality is wrapped up in layers of misinformation and stigma. After Will joined the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies as a study physician, our understanding of psychedelic therapy completely shifted.

In this episode, we discuss the impactful results of key clinical trials and what the future of psychedelic therapy looks like based on where we are today, particularly as it relates to FDA approval. We also dig into how psychedelic therapy for couples can open up the possibility for resolving conflict, increasing intimacy and collaboration, and working through challenging topics.

As an MDMA therapist, Will has witnessed how the use of psychedelics can lead to life-changing mental health outcomes in patients suffering from PTSD. The process can help people understand the imprints from their childhood in a way that traditional talk therapy often cannot. These patterns tend to show up as attachment styles in adulthood and can provide insight into what’s causing friction in our relationships.

Not only are we advocates for psychedelic therapy, but we are especially passionate about how we believe it will support awakening inside couples. Additionally, when couples adopt the perspective of taking mutual responsibility for the healing of each other’s injuries inside of the “We” together, there’s new possibilities to reach new levels of secure attachment, understanding, potency and connection as a couple.

If you’re in a partnership, our challenge for you this week is to look at the ways that you might be indicating to your partner that you should hold and fix your injuries alone, and vice versa. You may want to have a conversation about where this idea stems from and explore ways to heal together.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The future of psychedelic therapy and limitations of ordinary psychotherapy
What research is showing about psychedelic therapy response rates for people with depression and PTSD
Encouraging results that Will has seen as an MDMA therapist
Topics that can be addressed inside a couples session with the use of psychedelics
Developing a deeper, more nuanced commitment to your partner and their injuries

Resources Mentioned:

Integrative Psychiatry Institute - Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy Training
Integrative Psychiatry Center - Ketamine Therapy Clinic

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17. #1 Reason Couples Have Conflict

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 05:00:00 -0700

If you're in a relationship, you most likely experience conflict. It doesn’t always look like explosive fights or constant bickering — it might also manifest as living parallel lives, lacking deeper connection and having different priorities.

In this episode, we share what we believe is at the source of this conflict for couples and our strategy for moving into a more collaborative “We” experience that has the capacity to realize a greater purpose together.

When we have different priorities (or “values”) than one another, it’s easy to perceive each other’s priorities as conflicting. This can show up in differences of how we each want to spend our time or having different needs and goals than our partner. When this happens we can get stubborn, get defensive, or give in.

However, there’s an alternative approach that creates an entirely different possibility, one that not only meets everyone’s needs but also creates a new stage of more security, strength and potency for what a couple can achieve together. This approach inspires us to take full responsibility for cultivating a dynamic relationship that contributes on a greater level.

In this episode we share three different stages that couples go through and how at the highest stage our values are not conflicting at all – rather they are actually the blueprint for the greater purpose of the “We.” We work through examples of our own experience, and how this process is helping us earn secure attachment at a whole new level.

If you're interested in exploring this concept further, we recommend checking out Dr. John Demartini's Values Determination Process. If your partner is also willing to go through the steps, it’s a great starting point to have a conversation about your findings and where you can begin linking your top values with each other.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Tools for deprogramming any internalized values and understanding your true priorities
How we got back in alignment when our priorities were out of sync
A tool for holding the “We” in a supportive way, especially inside of conflict
Deepening the security and strength of possibilities within your relationship
How we’re experiencing conflict at this stage in our partnership

Resources Mentioned

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16. "How To Build A Sex Room" Netflix Series Review

Thu, 09 Feb 2023 05:00:00 -0700

The Netflix series called “How to Build a Sex Room” is sparking conversations for us around sex, sensuality, and pleasure. In this episode, we share our review of the series and unpack topics including deprogramming cultural norms, why a sex room could be supportive in a partnership, the conversations many couples don’t have, and personal shares of what we’re doing to expand our expression of authentic desire in the bedroom.

“How to Build a Sex Room” features couples who turn to interior designer Melanie Rose to co-create a sacred sex space in their home. On the show, you can see how the design process helps the couples open up about their sexual needs and expand their pleasure toolbox. There’s a true celebration of diversity in sexual expression on the show and it brings this taboo subject to a broader audience.

For us, the show highlights how sensitive it can be for couples when they don't have the tools to communicate about their sex life. It has us thinking about the common problems that different genders face around sexual performance and pleasure. Building a sex room is awesome, but if couples aren’t doing the deeper work together, there’s a lot of missed opportunity.

This week, we invite you to take an honest look at the way you navigate pleasure and sexuality in your life. Are you satisfied at the deepest level? If not, what tools or support might help you get there?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

What we think the show does really well and where we think it’s lacking
Exploring idea of “how you show up in the bedroom is how you show up in life” and how we can use the bedroom to develop our sovereignty
Personal shares about our own challenges with pleasure together and with previous partners
The challenge of cultural programming and it’s stifling grip on what sexuality and pleasure should and shouldn’t look like
Normalizing sexuality and accepting difference in individuals and communities

Resources Mentioned

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15. How We Protect Each Other (Even From Ourselves)

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:00:00 -0700

Our agreement to “protect each other in public and in private, even from ourselves,” helps us experience higher levels of trust and security in our partnership. This commitment requires that we examine less conscious behaviors and patterns that can easily slip under the radar and create undesirable impacts on our “We.” In this episode, we discuss what this looks like in practice and why it’s so important for us.

Have you ever heard someone complaining or putting their partner down, even if in a joking way? Not only is it uncomfortable to witness, but it also reveals where there are unmet needs or unresolved issues in the partnership. When they’re not addressed inside the partnership, these issues leak out sideways and can cause public misunderstandings or inaccurate filters about your partner and ultimately cause insecurity in the relationship.

Protecting each other from ourselves requires us to take an honest look at the unspoken judgements, jabs or filters that we have towards our partner. Left unmanaged, we are not being for our partner or their success, and we are not doing the work necessary for a secure and extraordinary “We.”.

In this episode we share examples of where we struggle as a couple and how we work through challenges. We invite you to take a candid look at one of your relationships: do you not feel protected in some way or where you might not be protecting the other person? If so it’s a great opportunity to deepen your relationship by discussing it and potentially come to a new agreement together around this topic.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The benefits of feeling protected and cared for by your partner
Letting each other have autonomy over their story and what’s shared in public
How this agreement ties into our commitment to reduce the damage of unmanaged thirds
Getting curious about your reaction first before immediately responding
Being a witness to your tone, voice, and delivery when you communicate

Resources Mentioned

Our episode on unmanaged thirds: 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects

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14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects

Thu, 26 Jan 2023 05:00:00 -0700

When outside situations or people become a source of distraction to one of the partners in a relationship, or poses a threat to the connection of the two partners, we often refer to this as an ‘unmanaged third.’ When left unattended, it can be a major catalyst for causing rupture and disconnection. In our conversation, we illustrate some examples of unmanaged thirds in our dynamic and how we deal with them together as a team so that we can build more security in our partnership.

With unmanaged thirds, it’s all about coming back into sovereignty, rather than letting something else negatively and unconsciously influence our “We.” Managing the third together requires a high level of self-awareness and the willingness to take responsibility for our participation and blind spots.

In this episode, we share our process for working through external threats like cellphones, flirty texts, and passion projects. We also discuss the fear of an unmanaged third and what we did in a recent situation when that came up at an event.

This week’s challenge is to take a look at one of your relationships and note where you feel some disconnection or where you already know there's an unmanaged third. See if you can identify it, and if so, consider taking a step towards actually talking about it with the other person.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Common examples of unmanaged thirds
Why addressing unmanaged thirds is essential for healthy “We’s”
Examples in our own relationship of where we struggle
Coming up with plans to deal with external distractions
Developing more security in relationship
Communicating discomfort and prioritizing connection

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13. The Power of Assuming Positive Intent (When Negatively Impacted)

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 05:00:00 -0700

When someone says or does something that negatively impacts you, what’s your default assumption about their intention? It’s hard to assume positive intent when you feel triggered, but committing to that as a practice is an opportunity for taking greater leadership in relationship.

We’ve made it a vow to practice getting into each other’s worlds around impact and intention, and in today's episode, we explore what that looks like for us and how you can apply it to your relationships.

We break down a couple of scenarios to illustrate how we gain strength in our secure attachment by assuming positive intent when negatively impacted, and also by taking greater responsibility for the impact we have on each other.

There’s a certain framework that we use to understand each other’s perspective and hold ourselves accountable for our words and actions. As always, we invite you to take what resonates with you and use it to whatever degree you see fit.

We also have a challenge for you: practice this concept where it's a little bit uncomfortable, and let us know what happens. We really want to know what you're learning and what you notice. Feel free to share your thoughts with us in our DMs on Instagram at @artofwepodcast.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

What we mean by assuming positive intent
It’s not an excuse to avoid uncomfortable conversations
Steps to take when we’ve been negatively impacted
Elevating your leadership by taking responsibility for the impact of your words and actions
Understanding how rare it is for someone to actually have harmful intentions

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12. How We Align When We Don't Agree

Thu, 12 Jan 2023 05:00:00 -0700

It’s essential to find true alignment in decision making when operating from ‘the We’ perspective, whether it's intimate or business, to help us accomplish our goals, stay on track with our mission, and develop a deeper connection with each other. And, it’s not always easy!

In this episode, we discuss our agreement to put ‘the We’ first when making decisions and work through an example of what we do when we aren’t in agreement about how to move forward.

There’s an elevated level of autonomy when we’re making decisions together. By operating in “the We,” there’s space to discover freedom for the greater endeavor that we can create together. In short, with greater responsibility comes greater freedom, which is far from the typical ‘I’ mindset.

But, what happens when we’re not in the same place around how to work towards our goals? We’ve been bumping up against the decision to share more about our intimate experiences on the show. We share what our process looks like to get into each other's world and work towards a decision that honors both of our needs.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

What happens when you don’t feel considered in a decision
What it means to be in alignment with your partner
Why systems need to collaborate in order to thrive
Different levels of freedom through the lens of “We” versus “I”
Example questions to clarify misunderstandings and acknowledge your partner’s perspective

Resources Mentioned

Alan Watts recordings on Spotify

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11. Stopping Repetitive Patterns From Childhood

Thu, 05 Jan 2023 05:00:00 -0700

We’ve found that getting stuck in our familiar victim mindset patterns often stops us from achieving the goals and desires that we deeply hold in our hearts. So, what can we do from a psychological perspective to get out of our own way? In this episode, we share the different tools and modalities that we personally use to address challenging imprints from childhood that can cause unwanted results.

We’ve found that doing this victim mentality healing inside of a partnership is especially helpful for discovering blindspots and unconscious behaviors. We all hold core stories about who we are and what’s possible for our lives, but we don’t often stop to think about where those beliefs come from.

In our conversation, we break down some real-life examples that we’ve experienced recently. We describe breakthroughs that we’ve had with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), psychedelic-assisted therapy, and PACT couples therapy. We highlight some of the key elements of trauma work and ways to safely explore your past. We also discuss the connection that these inquiries have with liberation, success, and goal-setting.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Identifying a victim mentality and developing a healthy relationship with that perspective
Understanding why we self-sabotage and fall off track with our goals
Clues that we use to see how our history affects our present actions
How doing trauma work has unlocked growth and opportunities for us
Tools to become more aligned with inspiring goals and aspirations

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10. Having Faith + Trusting Desire

Thu, 29 Dec 2022 05:00:00 -0700

What do you do when your core connection and trust in your desire is called into question? We’ve all had experiences that have rocked our foundations, perhaps the loss of a loved one, an unwelcome career change, or in our case recently, the unexpected damage and demolition of our dream home. In this episode, we explore the idea of faith in the spiritual context and discuss what we do when we’re feeling disconnected from that higher power.

In previous episodes, we’ve mentioned the lengthy remodel we did on our house this past year. The whole process had us second-guessing our desire and intuition, and ultimately required us to have faith that the universe was throwing us challenges so that we could really savor the beauty on the other side. That doesn’t mean, though, that there weren't many days where we spiraled into victimhood.

We share ways that we create mental space for new solutions and perspectives when life feels like a constant uphill battle. We talk about having a mature relationship with desire and navigating that middle ground between fantasy and completely ignoring your inner calling. We also pose some questions to consider in your end-of-year reflection.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

What’s getting in the way of having faith on a daily basis
Our experience of desire and faith through the lens of our home
Strategies for getting back in touch with your faith
Taking responsibility for your experience
Prompts to guide your understanding of faith and desire

Resources Mentioned:

Get in Touch:

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9. Creating Meaningful Visions Together

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 05:00:00 -0700

One of the foundational elements for us as individuals and within our relationship is to take a stand for our mission and vision. In this episode, we explore the long-term goals that we have for our careers and marriage.

There’s a deep emotional commitment required for making your dreams come true. That drive often directs your action, communication, and mindset. Since we opened the Integrative Psychiatry Institute four years ago, we’ve been focused on scaling in a way that doesn't sacrifice quality. Within our personal lives, our anchor has been the vision for our securely-attached, mission-based partnership.

But, there are also seasons where you might feel like you’re in a defense mode and simply trying to survive. We discuss some of the tools and questions that have been helpful in getting us back on course and re-connected to a central vision and mission.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

What it means for us to take a stand
Having the courage to claim your orientation and commitment to your mission
The question that radically changed how Will takes a stand for diminishing the limitations in mental health care
Powerful thought downloads that we’ve experienced around this topic
What the world needs now for humanity to heal and get to the next level of wellness

Resources Mentioned

If you want to dive in deeper into these conversations, we do have a download on our website that can give you more questions. Go to kristavanderveer.com to check out that resource.

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8. Top-Shelf Listening (+ Our Edgy Example)

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 05:00:00 -0700

One of the greatest gifts we can give somebody is to generously listen to them. When we tune in for the contribution, value, or lesson of what someone is saying, we create a new level of commitment and presence.

So often, people compose their responses while the other person is talking. Instead of listening with curiosity and intention, we put up unconscious filters and get distracted. By practicing generous listening, you can open up more possibilities and deeper understanding in your conversations. In this episode, we work through a live example of an emotionally-charged topic to demonstrate how generous listening provides space for vulnerable, restorative discussions.

We also look at this methodology through the lens of parenthood, especially with teenagers and young adults. We explore the profound impact that generous listening has had on our relationship and our ability to assume positive intent with each other. Listen in to learn more about taking yourself off autopilot and becoming a more present listener.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Examples of listening filters that we have
Tuning into the physical and emotional cues that you need to listen generously
Where Krista has found some of the greatest insights and gems in this practice
Taking responsibility for the impact of your listening
What to do when you get distracted in a conversation
Recognizing when you’re being a stingy listener

Resources Mentioned

Download our “3 Game Changing Conversations For Couples” guide at kristavanderveer.com
Learn more about The Collaborative Way

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7. "Skin Time" + Our Routines For Connection

Fri, 09 Dec 2022 05:00:00 -0700

Our comings and goings were some of the most challenging moments in our relationship, so it's really important for us to have a moment of actual contact and presence with each other before we leave each other. And when we come together, when we re-dock, we intentionally have a moment of actual presence, setting everything else aside. In this episode, we talk with you about things that help us stay connected and move things forward in our lives. We discuss how we achieve and maintain this depth of connection that we're accustomed to and that we have come to expect from each other.

There's something really important to us about continually going back to presence and going back to the deeper listening of what is going on, in our beings and in our souls and trying to make contact with the deepest level of creative desire. It doesn't come so easily when we don’t stick to our routine, but keeping it in place, gives us the freedom to explore our connection consistently.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The times in our lives we are more rigid and the times when we go with the flow
Our tactics for staying connected to each other as we come and go
Our day, night and annual routines
Our favourite journal and gratitude prompts
Our skin time practice
Checking in with our goals and how we reassess them

Resources Mentioned

Stan Tatkin - The Pact Institute
Dan Go - High Performance Coach & Personal Trainer: @fitfounder
The Crown - Netflix
Breathe Right Nasal Strips
7 Areas of Life to Empower - Dr John Demartini

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6. A Unique Definition of "We"

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 06:00:00 -0700

In the episode, we break down our interpretation of “the We” and how we hold it. This concept really helps us show up as better partners, stay grounded in our vows, and bring things forward that we might not expect.

We share what it looks like to take mutual responsibility for the health of our connection and provide examples of how we use “the We” perspective in other relationships besides our marriage and business partnership.

This practice gives us the chance to look at situations from a bird’s eye view, especially when we get caught up in the minutiae of daily life and the stressors of being in a growth season. In our conversion, we explore how we bring this sort of awareness to our relationships with our co-founders and team members.

Because we have a larger mission for the world, our understanding of “the We” within the container of our business is so important for seeing that vision through. Will also shares his advice for anyone thinking about going into business partnership and/or stepping into a leadership position.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why we believe that we can achieve more together than we can on our own
Finding win-win-win solutions
Actively engaging and tending to “the We”
Reducing polarity in your relationships
Building your capacity as a leader

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5. Being For Each Other's Success

Thu, 24 Nov 2022 05:00:00 -0700

The framework of our vows keeps us grounded and willing to engage in conversations that can be challenging or uncomfortable. In this episode, we explore our vow to live from the knowing that we both win from each other’s successes. We dive into the essence of being for each other's success, how we challenge and support each other to grow, and describe what this practice could look like in the workplace.

The foundation of being for each other’s success requires really knowing your partner, their life goals, and your collaborative aspirations. We define what success means for us in the context of a partnership and contemplate situations when it’s hardest and easiest to support each other in pursuing our goals. We also touch on how we work through feelings of fear, scarcity, and competition when they come up.

This vow can also be viewed through the lens of friendships and working relationships. Part of being for someone’s success in a professional setting is understanding when it’s time to let them go so they can find a position or company that’s better suited for their expertise and values. Listen in to hear more of our conversation on what it means to really support someone in their pursuit of success.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

One of the ways that we like to show up for each other’s success
A pattern that we’re working through around this concept
Making the commitment to authentically participate in challenging, honest conversations
Overcoming the subtle fear that you might experience when your partner accomplishes a goal
Rerouting the default coping mechanism to choose false independence when we’re stressed
How you can actually fire somebody as an expression of being for their success

Resources Mentioned

The Collaborative Way

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4. Anxiety, Attachment Styles + BHAGs

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 05:45:00 -0700

Everybody has attachment styles, and if we're not conscious of what they are, it can be really challenging to navigate relationships. In this episode, we break down the most common attachment styles and discuss some tools that can help reduce the root causes of anxiety.

The ambivalent attached person is more concerned about abandonment, and the avoidant person typically is more concerned about too much contact or invasion. We explore how we’ve created a sense of understanding and compassion around these very deep patterns that we experience. We share tools for how to come back together when you feel like you’re constantly bumping up against your partner’s attachment style, including somatic processing techniques like synchronized breathing and skin-to-skin contact.

We also touch on the anxiety that we face when we go after big, hairy, audacious goals (BHAGs). We articulate what's really helped us in the high stress, high growth years that we've had in our business, particularly through the lens of exercise. Will also highlights things that you can do for your body that reduce inflammation and we talk about how the gut microbiome is tied to our mental wellness.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

How attachment styles form and what we can do about them
Tools for getting in touch with how you feel in your body
Understanding where your anxiety comes from
How imposter syndrome impacts individuals and relationships
Getting curious about what foods work well for you and your unique system

Resources Mentioned

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3. When It's Hard to See Possibility

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 05:10:00 -0700

In this episode, we discuss another agreement in our marriage that has had a profound impact on our partnership: commitment to always finding possibility. We dive into what it means to see possibility, examples of how we’ve navigated this agreement together, and ways to start exploring new solutions.

Our early experiences often define our limitations and what we see as possible for our lives. We have a much harder time seeing our blinspots on our own or when we don’t have a commitment with another person to get out of that victim mindset. We illustrate what getting stuck in a loop of limited beliefs does for a relationship and describe what happens when you start to play with possibility.

We touch on some methodologies and techniques that we like to use when we feel like we’re in a rut, including psychedelic therapy. By creating new grooves and pathways in the brain, different possibilities become much more accessible. We wrap up our conversation by explaining how this commitment can play out in other relationships, particularly with friends and coworkers.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why we’ve committed to always finding possibility
An example so how we’ve navigated this commitment together around Krista’s health and mobility
Uncovering opportunities to grow when you’re feeling challenged
The physiology of the brain, especially at the beginning stage of a relationship
Understanding your filters for other people and having the courage to bring it up to them
Why psychedelic therapy is such a potent methodology for seeing possibility

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2. Our Agreement About Conflict

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 05:05:00 -0700

It’s essential that we really slow down and take the time to care for the impact that we're having with each other, and care for the impact that people have on us. In this episode, we discuss how we practice abundant repair and share tools that help us fully resolve conflicts.

In our relationship, we can count on each other that repair is going to happen when a rupture occurs. We describe what it’s like to feel held and supported while we work through periods of disconnection, and explain why these difficult moments are actually an opportunity to get closer.

We break down the resources that we have found useful in getting us back to a place of connection, relaxation, and enjoyment. We give examples of how to actually address this agreement with people in your life and illustrate how it’s played out in moments of conflict. We also highlight how we’ve taken this concept into our work environment and talk about the profound effect that it’s had on our team.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

Why mutual agreements should be the foundation of any relationship
What happens when you don’t fully repair after a conflict
Long-term effects of growing up in a home where there was very little repair between family members
Gentle entry into a conversation that doesn't feel blaming or shaming when you feel disconnected from your partner
Tips to get out of a dysregulated or triggered cycle

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1. This ONE Question Turned Our Partnership Into a Catalyst for Change

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 05:00:00 -0700

We’re Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer, hosts of The Art of We. Thank you for joining us on our first episode as we share why we’re launching this show, a bit about our background, and what you can expect from future episodes.

Since we went on our first date five years ago, we've started four businesses, one of them among the fastest-growing companies in the US. Together, we’re impacting thousands of lives through advanced educational programs and integrative medicine for mental health and psychedelic-assisted therapy.

In today’s episode, we revisit the conversation that we had on that date, which completely changed the course of both of our lives. We discuss the commitment we’ve made to ourselves and each other to have the kind of relationship where we mobilize and do beautiful things in the world. We also touch on how we support each other's authentic expression and growth, even when it bumps up against conditioned belief systems or thought patterns.

Listen in to learn more about our story and vision for this podcast.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

The year of intense discovery that Will experienced prior to meeting Krista
How the pain that we experience in our lives helps shape who we are and get really clear on what we want
A deep resource that we use when we discuss the course of our relationship
Recognizing where we're limited or stuck in our own thinking
Interdependency and secure functioning in adult relationships

Resources Mentioned

The Relationship School Podcast - Episode 166. Evolutionary Love with Andrew Harvey

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Introducing The Art of We

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 09:00:00 -0700

As a leader who deeply cares about your contribution and impact on the world, what if you were told that achieving the next level of success with your team, business and family won't be found through signing up for yet another training, expensive mastermind, or who's-who networking event. What if the key to your potential sits across from you at your breakfast table every morning?

Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer are husband and wife, business partners, and hosts of The Art of We, a podcast that explores how committed partnerships can be potent vehicles for fully delivering our gifts to the world.

As seasoned leaders, educators, and entrepreneurs, they know that the key to their greatest success out in the world lies inside the health, security, and depth of their relationship. The more skilled and secure their partnership, the greater capacity each has to step into their fullest authenticity and potential.

On this show, they will share lessons from their marriage and professional careers that help them thrive. They’ll share where they get stuck, how they overcome challenges, and they’ll dialogue with thought leaders to broaden the conversation. You’ll leave each episode with practices, tools, inspiration, and conversation topics for the dinner table or your team’s next offsite.

If you’re a leader, founder, or overachiever, and you want to better understand how to leverage your relationships for personal and collective growth, then we invite you to subscribe to The Art of We.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

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