Be earth conscious, but don't feel guilty when you have to use paper plates to lighten the mental load every once and a while.

As a family of six, the mental load around dinner and chores related to dinner is never ending. And with summer approaching we'll be running the dishwasher multiple times a day. And while it's important to take care of our earth and we pride ourselves on being an earth-conscious family sometimes you just need to use paper plates and plastic silverware to save your sanity.

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How not to lose yourself in motherhood

"I resent the fact that you (dads) get to maintain your individuality, while I do not."

The Mental Load often takes over women's lives leaving us feeling unfulfilled and like we lost ourselves in motherhood. It's a form of identity theft that nobody warns us about.

When you become a mom, everyone starts to view you as "{insert kid's name} mom" while dads don't become {insert kid's name} dad". Men get to retain their individuality while women are taught to only look at the positive of motherhood. That kids are a gift and you should feel blessed...all the time. And nobody prepares us for this identity theft that happens immediately. We're swallowed into motherhood and suddenly find ourselves lacking time and energy for anything but mothering. Which leaves us struggling to feel like we haven't lost ourselves.

In today's episode, Angie and Katlynn explore why, when we take on the mental load, it feels like we lose ourselves because:

• We have less time to think of and anticipate my own needs so I feel blindsided by them (KP)
• We have no time to think freely or do something that feels luxurious
• There's no more time to do my own personal hobbies
• Others assuming that our only role and source of satisfaction is our children
• We start feeling guilty that I have this huge privilege of raising kids but harboring this “secret” that we want more out of life than just being a mom

New this season:

reach us at: thementalloadpodcast@gmail.com

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For men: Why moms care so much about Mother's Day

Join Katlynn from the Mental Load Podcast in this Mother's Day hot take.

Attention dads! Mother's Day for moms isn't necessarily about how big you celebrate it. It really comes down to being recognized for work that we feel is usually ignored.

The holiday's usually fall into the mental load category because there's invisible labor that goes into planning them:

- coordinating

- planning the logistics

- buying the gifts

The thing about the mental load is that it often breeds resentment because it's invisible. Mothers feel unrecognized, under-appreciated and undervalued. When the dads out there present us with last minute, not so thoughtful gifts, wait for us to tell them what to do, or put it on us to plan, they're essentially validating all the negative thoughts we have around the mental load.

Dads, Mother's Day is your time to step it up and own the process from start to finish. Don't promise her a "day off" where you half-ass or don't do the chores so she's behind when she wakes up Monday morning. Don't put the planning on her. Take the time to recognize her and while you're at it, take the time to plan the logistics if you celebrate your own mom. Don't assume your wife will coordinate and shop for gifts on your behalf. Your mom wants to feel appreciated and recognized by you. The mental load here is for you to own.

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Career coach to help moms navigate a career and children.

Women deal with a lot of emotions and roadblocks going into and coming back from maternity leave. How do we better prepare ourselves, our workplaces and our partners so the mental load at home and at work isn’t as bad? We had a great episode a couple weeks ago with Sarah Reeves about how to help shape the workplace into one that is more supportive for caregivers, so today’s conversation I think is going to be a nice follow-up to how to prepare yourself for the changes that come with becoming a mother and taking on more of the mental load both at home and in the office.

Today's guest is Lauren Gordon. Lauren is a dual-certified life and career coach for working moms, and a former senior leader in human resources at a global financial services company. She specializes in helping working moms fully enjoy life with a career and children, without trading happiness for a paycheck.

Lauren runs her own coaching practice where she works one-on-one with working moms who are navigating a wide range of personal and professional challenges. Lauren's areas of expertise include helping women to overcome feelings of stress, guilt, and overwhelm; ending imposter syndrome by growing their self-confidence; addressing people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies; navigating career decisions; and more.

 Lauren lives in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, Eli, and their three young daughters, ages 7, 5, and 3. When Lauren isn't coaching and teaching working moms, you can find her taking Peloton classes, reading, and continually trying to improve her cooking skills to keep up with the other members of her monthly cookbook club.

Visit www.laurengordon.com to learn more about how to work with Lauren, and follow her on Instagram @workingmomcoach for tips you can begin applying to your life today.

The mental load isn’t just something that shows up at home, it’s also something that creeps in to our work lives. In the workplace, women spend more time on “non-promotable tasks” than men, which is unpaid work related to social or administrative “office housekeeping.” These types of activities are vital to maintaining company culture and strengthening team connections, but are not valued as strategic — and therefore come with little to no recognition, appreciation, reward, or career advantage.

In this episode, we explore:

• Where the mental load started for us
• What emotions women are facing personally and professionally going into maternity leave
• What the mental load looks like professionally
• How we can better prepare women for maternity leave
• How the mental load perpetuates the stereotype that women are distracted or somehow not as good at their jobs after they have kids
• How men prepare for maternity leave and how it looks different than women
• How to prepare to return from maternity leave

Mentioned in this episode:

Joy School Affiliate Link

https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

What do nordic countries do to support families:

• Baby boxes with important newborn items to set families up for success
• Paid parental leave 
• In Norway, parental leave is paid at full pay for the first 44 weeks or at 80% if parents opt to take 54 weeks. To encourage both parents to play their part, fathers must take at least six weeks' parental leave or risk the family losing payments for the same period.
• Free universal childcare from 18 mo - 7 years
• Capped childcare costs
• Strong gender equality in the workforce:
• Gender quotas legislate for a 40% female presence in the country’s parliament and on business boards, resulting in a strong female presence – Norway’s prime minister, minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs are all female, while women make up 41% of the C-suite.

What happened to America?

"Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right."

These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together).

Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than men

Hit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms

When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce. 

The nation loses a major economic factor:

• Household earnings therefore spending go down
• Companies lose more workers and therefore innovation

Why don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families?

America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children.

And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids.

Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents.

Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy?

• Treating parenting with punitive punishment

What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care?

We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent. 

• New Mexico used $77 million in American Rescue Plan Act dollars to create the Competitive Pay for Professionals (CPP) program to fund $3/hour pay increases for an estimated 16,000 child care staff.37
•  Iowa used $30 million to provide $1,000 and $2,000...]]>How do countries outside America support families and therefore lighten the mental load?

  What do nordic countries do to support families:

  • Baby boxes with important newborn items to set families up for success
  • Paid parental leave 
  • In Norway, parental leave is paid at full pay for the first 44 weeks or at 80% if parents opt to take 54 weeks. To encourage both parents to play their part, fathers must take at least six weeks' parental leave or risk the family losing payments for the same period.
  • Free universal childcare from 18 mo - 7 years
  • Capped childcare costs
  • Strong gender equality in the workforce:
  • Gender quotas legislate for a 40% female presence in the country’s parliament and on business boards, resulting in a strong female presence – Norway’s prime minister, minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs are all female, while women make up 41% of the C-suite.
  
  

  What happened to America?

  "Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right."

  These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together).

  Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than men

  Hit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms

  When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce. 

  The nation loses a major economic factor:

  • Household earnings therefore spending go down
  • Companies lose more workers and therefore innovation
  
  

  Why don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families?

  America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children.

  And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids.

  Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents.

  Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy?

  • Treating parenting with punitive punishment
  
  

  What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care?

  We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent. 

  • New Mexico used $77 million in American Rescue Plan Act dollars to create the Competitive Pay for Professionals (CPP) program to fund $3/hour pay increases for an estimated 16,000 child care staff.37
  •  Iowa used $30 million to provide $1,000 and $2,000 Recruitment and Retention Bonuses to individual child care workers. Child care staff could apply for a bonus every 6 months until funding runs out.38
  •  Maine used American Rescue Plan Act dollars to provide $200 monthly stipends to 7,000 early childhood educators39 and has since invested additional state funding to make the salary supplements permanent.40
  • In Norway, the expansion of universal childcare increased the likelihood of mothers’ employment by 32 percentage points.
  •  IMF analysis shows that a greater presence of women in financial institutions and financial policymaking goes hand in hand with greater financial resilience.
  • What do we know about supporting families?
  • We know that higher quality childcare creates better economic outcomes for children. 
  • In lower-income and communities of color, this helps to break a cycle of generational poverty. 
  • Supporting families decreases level of incarceration. 
  • Decreases healthcare costs because as adults they’re healthier. 
  • Helps fill jobs today and prepare children for jobs in the future
  
  

  Why don’t we view supporting families as economically good?

  How does this mentality prevent families from having an equal household?

  -political talking points

  - weaponization of families for political gain

  Join us on YouTube

  
  

  Mentioned in this episode:

  Joy School Affiliate Link

  https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

  ]]>9e12f3f2-da06-4cac-b81d-994e142f11e3Thu, 25 Jan 2024 04:45:00 -060001:09:00truefull2132132Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellA New Take on Meal PlanningThe mental load of meal planning.

  Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women.

  Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius.

  Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.

  ]]>The mental load of meal planning.

  Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women.

  Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius.

  Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.

  ]]>59e6fe90-0a88-48f9-aadb-37064bb2ada4Thu, 18 Jan 2024 04:45:00 -060006:58truefull2122122Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellMaternity Leave Isn't a VacationMaternity Leave and the mental load

  Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided.

  Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves.

  Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions.

  What is the issue? 

  Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave.

  • Gaps in community/village support
  • Twisted perceptions (mat leave is a vacation) and the additional pressures put on parents
  • Internalized expectations, maternal gate-keeping, martyrdom 
  • Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacation
  • Your body is restoring itself after a traumatic event, not recovering after cocktails on the beach.
  • This is prime time for cocooning, not for indulging your social butterfly side at the cruise ship dinner buffet.
  • You don’t need an alarm clock because the baby is the alarm clock, not because you’re going to actually sleep in.
  • A new family member means added mental load, not a break from your to-do list.
  • You need real capacity to deal with the unexpected, and I don’t just mean flight delays into Aruba.
  
  

  What are the effects?

  • Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.
  • Relationship Equity - Women whose partners take on an equal share of the MENTAL load have higher libidos
  • Low female sexual desire affects more than 50% of women and is difficult to treat.
  • Study findings suggest low desire is not a problem, an internal problem for women to resolve solo; effort needed from both partners.
  • Need more than just the physical load - where wife/mom = project manager
  • Homosexual partners handle relationship equity better on average
  • Childcare deserts - women are disproportionately impacted: 23-75% of families across the US report having a struggle finding childcare. Disproportionately affecting communities of color and rural and urban areas impacted more so than suburban families.  States with fewer ‘childcare deserts’ see less women in the workforce.
  • We just went off our childcare cliff with expiration of federal funding started during the pandemic to aid families in the cost of childcare. The average family spends 27% of their income on childcare, DHHS says for it to be considered “affordable” it shouldn’t exceed 7%. Over 3 million children are at risk of losing childcare because of this with a projected $10.6 billion in...]]>Maternity Leave and the mental load

    Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided.

    Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves.

    Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions.

    What is the issue? 

    Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave.

    • Gaps in community/village support
    • Twisted perceptions (mat leave is a vacation) and the additional pressures put on parents
    • Internalized expectations, maternal gate-keeping, martyrdom 
    • Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacation
    • Your body is restoring itself after a traumatic event, not recovering after cocktails on the beach.
    • This is prime time for cocooning, not for indulging your social butterfly side at the cruise ship dinner buffet.
    • You don’t need an alarm clock because the baby is the alarm clock, not because you’re going to actually sleep in.
    • A new family member means added mental load, not a break from your to-do list.
    • You need real capacity to deal with the unexpected, and I don’t just mean flight delays into Aruba.
    
    

    What are the effects?

    • Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.
    • Relationship Equity - Women whose partners take on an equal share of the MENTAL load have higher libidos
    • Low female sexual desire affects more than 50% of women and is difficult to treat.
    • Study findings suggest low desire is not a problem, an internal problem for women to resolve solo; effort needed from both partners.
    • Need more than just the physical load - where wife/mom = project manager
    • Homosexual partners handle relationship equity better on average
    • Childcare deserts - women are disproportionately impacted: 23-75% of families across the US report having a struggle finding childcare. Disproportionately affecting communities of color and rural and urban areas impacted more so than suburban families.  States with fewer ‘childcare deserts’ see less women in the workforce.
    • We just went off our childcare cliff with expiration of federal funding started during the pandemic to aid families in the cost of childcare. The average family spends 27% of their income on childcare, DHHS says for it to be considered “affordable” it shouldn’t exceed 7%. Over 3 million children are at risk of losing childcare because of this with a projected $10.6 billion in economic impact and American families losing over $9 billion in earnings.
    
    

    How does this relate to the mental load? 

    • Our findings imply that maternity leave benefits do not only protect mothers and their children around the period of childbirth, but may contribute to healthy ageing among women during the last decades of life. This finding may have profound implications for the costs of medical care, the social participation and the productivity of older women, as well as the societal impact of older mother's mental health on family members and society.                                 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4400242/
    • “And once we’re back at work, things will get so hellish that it will feel less exhausting to keep doing everything rather than to battle with your partner so that he does his share”. The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic.
    
    

    How can we fix this? 

    • Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.
    • Macro
    • Large scale policy change at the federal level
    • Employers can invest in ‘returners to work’ - non-profits like Path Forward
    • Micro
    • At work - ergs, hr/benefits
    • Your manager/your team
    • Nano:
    • Listen to this podcast (educate/get perspective)
    • Talk about it with partner/friends
    • If we explicitly state how much planning is involved in every aspect of childcare and housework, it will become clearer just how much hidden work we do
    
    

    Mentioned in this episode:

    Joy School Affiliate Link

    https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

    ]]>5f87f6a2-33e7-4e33-a409-a88358bd8355Thu, 11 Jan 2024 04:45:00 -060001:15:39truefull2112112Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellActs of Service as a Love Language - Is it Bullshit?Acts of service as a love language

    Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit.

    What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load?

    I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly.

    This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form.

    Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.

    ]]>Acts of service as a love language

    Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit.

    What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load?

    I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly.

    This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form.

    Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.

    ]]>e03af28f-4756-46a9-b29f-aca8db11bdcaSat, 06 Jan 2024 04:45:00 -060006:28truefull2102102Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellI Can't "Self-Care" Myself Out of ThisTelling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.

    What is the issue? 

    Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out. 

    Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.

    The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)

    Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector

    The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men

    • Men are allowed to work hard and play hard
    • Drinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sports
    • All very time consuming events
    • Women must FIND the time to get self care
    • Why is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.
    • Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”
    • We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy of
    • Leisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.
    
    

    But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

    What are the effects?

    • Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cup
    • Resentment towards partner
    • Fatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.
    • Low energy and less patience
    
    

    How does this relate to the mental load? 

    • The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how
    • One more freaking thing to manage.
    • coordinating before we have to leave
    • Logically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guilty
    • Societal pressures to be everything to everyone.
    
    

    But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me. 

    How can we fix this? 

    • Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.
    • Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege. 
    • What is your self care?
    
    

    
    

    Catch us on YouTube

    ]]>Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.

    What is the issue? 

    Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out. 

    Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.

    The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)

    Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector

    The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men

    • Men are allowed to work hard and play hard
    • Drinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sports
    • All very time consuming events
    • Women must FIND the time to get self care
    • Why is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.
    • Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”
    • We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy of
    • Leisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.
    
    

    But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

    What are the effects?

    • Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cup
    • Resentment towards partner
    • Fatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.
    • Low energy and less patience
    
    

    How does this relate to the mental load? 

    • The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how
    • One more freaking thing to manage.
    • coordinating before we have to leave
    • Logically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guilty
    • Societal pressures to be everything to everyone.
    
    

    But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me. 

    How can we fix this? 

    • Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.
    • Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege. 
    • What is your self care?
    
    

    
    

    Catch us on YouTube

    ]]>de5cd4d7-3410-4b4a-9efa-78dd2c0288fdThu, 28 Dec 2023 04:45:00 -060058:02truefull29292Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellMotherly's State of MotherhoodMotherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load

    Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families.

    Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space.

    As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community.

    As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses.

    Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management.

    Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University.

    Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support.

    Findings of the survey:

    • 1. The Great Resignation continues for mothers 
    • 2. Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends 
    • 3. Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic 
    • 4. Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 
    • 5. 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cuts
    
    

    The Great Resignation for Moms:

    • SAHM has nearly doubled from 15% in 2022 to 25% in 2023
    • The message is clear: to return to work, families need flexible work schedules and affordable childcare
    
    

    Current events contradicting that:

    • Return to office movement
    • Childcare cliff we just went over as of 9/30
    
    

    Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike...]]>Motherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load

    Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families.

    Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space.

    As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community.

    As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses.

    Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management.

    Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University.

    Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support.

    Findings of the survey:

    • 1. The Great Resignation continues for mothers 
    • 2. Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends 
    • 3. Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic 
    • 4. Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 
    • 5. 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cuts
    
    

    The Great Resignation for Moms:

    • SAHM has nearly doubled from 15% in 2022 to 25% in 2023
    • The message is clear: to return to work, families need flexible work schedules and affordable childcare
    
    

    Current events contradicting that:

    • Return to office movement
    • Childcare cliff we just went over as of 9/30
    
    

    Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike for one day and realized that companies would wait them out for the one day and take it as a loss, so that’s how we came to unions as we know it today where all members strike and we have collective bargaining. How do we raise immediate awareness and demand change? Why are companies so resistant to offering what seems like an easy solution?

    Selfcare looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends:

    • Date nights are down
    • Number of times/week moms are having sex are down by 54%
    • Reasons: adding a new baby & not having time
    • Moms are getting more sleep, but this stat still lags for black moms
    • Planning to go out with friends proves to be too difficult
    
    

    Discussion: having the time is more than your partner just yelling at the kids to get a bunch of chores done so you feel “relaxed” enough to have sex that night.

    Household and family responsibilities fall more on moms than even at the height of Covid.

    Key findings and takeaways:

    • 58% of moms feel they shoulder the main responsibilities of their household 
    • Ranges from pet care to scheduling appointments
    • Many feel their partners don’t know what it takes to run their household
    
    

    Discussion: the daily vs the “once and a while tasks” - why dads end up with the better deal.

    Mental Health:

    Key findings and takeaways:

    • 46% of moms seeking therapy
    • Number of sessions/year has increased
    • Fueled by anxiety and depression
    • Despite media attention, education is at the bottom of the worry list
    
    

    Discussion: the mental load and anxiety/depression is self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts

    8/10 mothers worry about a recession and are making cuts

    • Most mothers report feeling stressed financially
    • Moms are responsible for 85% of the purchasing decisions
    • Major economic indicator
    • Many families aren’t prepared for a $1k unexpected expense which puts families at risk
    
    

    What can we do as families to lighten the mental load?

    Teach our kids to look at the week with us and anticipate what they're going to need to do each day, or just be mentally and emotionally prepared to go through their week.

    ]]>dc87f90f-f5ec-4ddb-8d7c-c9ee8353a5f3Thu, 14 Dec 2023 04:45:00 -060001:11:21truefull27272Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellHoliday Magic vs. the Mental LoadWhat effect do the holidays have on the mental load for women?

    The holidays are often some of the most stressful time of year, financially, emotionally and physically for many families. Creating the holiday magic often falls to the already full plate of the mom, so what can we do to have a hot-mess-less holiday season? Angies hot take covers:

    • Caring for your spouse during the holiday season so it can be magical for them too
    • Creating a joint budget
    • Shopping together
    • How to teach your kids to consider others this time of year and
    • How to let go of what doesn't serve you this holiday season
    
    ]]>What effect do the holidays have on the mental load for women?

    The holidays are often some of the most stressful time of year, financially, emotionally and physically for many families. Creating the holiday magic often falls to the already full plate of the mom, so what can we do to have a hot-mess-less holiday season? Angies hot take covers:

    • Caring for your spouse during the holiday season so it can be magical for them too
    • Creating a joint budget
    • Shopping together
    • How to teach your kids to consider others this time of year and
    • How to let go of what doesn't serve you this holiday season
    
    ]]>03cf3f42-583f-480d-bdd8-2f26c2676dd8Thu, 07 Dec 2023 04:45:00 -060006:42truefull26262Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellOur Human Kids vs AngerHow our partner's anger impacts the mental load for women and affects our kids

    What is the issue? 

    We are part of a generation that wasn’t raised to think about kids’ feelings. Our parents didn’t ignore us, but they also weren’t as keyed in on emotional and social well-being as we are today. A big part of the mental load is that we’re the emotional backstop for everyone in the family and when both parents aren’t parenting from a place of emotional well being, it creates a disconnect that creates tension and another layer of the mental load: us managing our husband’s reactions to our style of parenting.

    What are the main emotional issues you feel like show up at your house?

    • Feeling like as women we’ve made the transition to thinking of our kids as humans with emotional intelligence and feelings but not having partners that do the same
    • So difficult to drag our husbands along; straddling two sides of the same fence
    • Feels like a difference in parenting styles
    
    

    How does this show up?

    • Kids not having a way to talk through situations - being viewed as argumentative/disrespectful
    • Taking the “i’m talking you’re listening approach”
    • “Just do what I say”
    • Yelling a lot
    
    

    Psychological effects of being yelled at; 

    https://mantracare.org/therapy/issues/psychological-effects-of-being-yelled-at/#:~:text=Being%20yelled%20at%20may%20cause,be%20verbally%20abusive%20to%20others.

    The body releases cortisol and adrenaline into your bloodstream

    • You have more difficulty thinking: Your brain’s amygdala is triggered
    • You might feel bad if someone yells at you: It feels like they are attacking your sense of self
    • Also, you may feel depressed, anxious, or develop panic attacks: The effects of being yelled at can have a negative impact on your mental health
    • You might withdraw from others and isolate yourself: A way to cope with the emotional pain you are feeling
    • Some people express their feelings through anger: Which can lead to them being verbally abusive to others.
    
    

    This article provides insight into how yelling can affect children psychologically. Yelling at a child may make them feel like they are not good enough and that there is something wrong with them. This could lead to negative self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression later in life.

    Yelling at a child often leads their brain’s amygdala to be triggered. This can make kids feel bad and have panic attacks or depression.

    Impacts sense of trust

    How does this show up in our households?

    Parenting Styles: Too permissive vs. Too aggressive

    How does having these two different parenting philosophies affect the mental load?

    • Creates another layer of emotional regulation for each person in the house
    • Also creates another layer of planning for how to address it with your partner
    • Anticipation
    • Overplanning
    • Overstimulation for everyone
    
    

    How does this relate to the mental load? When we have different parenting styles, we spend a lot of headspace thinking about and planning for how to navigate it.

    What does this all come down to? Creating a parenting style that works for both of you. 

    Why didn’t anyone tell us to have these conversations when we were dating/engaged?

    How can we fix this? 

    1. Validate our kids’...]]>How our partner's anger impacts the mental load for women and affects our kids

       What is the issue? 

       We are part of a generation that wasn’t raised to think about kids’ feelings. Our parents didn’t ignore us, but they also weren’t as keyed in on emotional and social well-being as we are today. A big part of the mental load is that we’re the emotional backstop for everyone in the family and when both parents aren’t parenting from a place of emotional well being, it creates a disconnect that creates tension and another layer of the mental load: us managing our husband’s reactions to our style of parenting.

       What are the main emotional issues you feel like show up at your house?

       • Feeling like as women we’ve made the transition to thinking of our kids as humans with emotional intelligence and feelings but not having partners that do the same
       • So difficult to drag our husbands along; straddling two sides of the same fence
       • Feels like a difference in parenting styles
       
       

       How does this show up?

       • Kids not having a way to talk through situations - being viewed as argumentative/disrespectful
       • Taking the “i’m talking you’re listening approach”
       • “Just do what I say”
       • Yelling a lot
       
       

       Psychological effects of being yelled at; 

       https://mantracare.org/therapy/issues/psychological-effects-of-being-yelled-at/#:~:text=Being%20yelled%20at%20may%20cause,be%20verbally%20abusive%20to%20others.

       The body releases cortisol and adrenaline into your bloodstream

       • You have more difficulty thinking: Your brain’s amygdala is triggered
       • You might feel bad if someone yells at you: It feels like they are attacking your sense of self
       • Also, you may feel depressed, anxious, or develop panic attacks: The effects of being yelled at can have a negative impact on your mental health
       • You might withdraw from others and isolate yourself: A way to cope with the emotional pain you are feeling
       • Some people express their feelings through anger: Which can lead to them being verbally abusive to others.
       
       

       This article provides insight into how yelling can affect children psychologically. Yelling at a child may make them feel like they are not good enough and that there is something wrong with them. This could lead to negative self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression later in life.

       Yelling at a child often leads their brain’s amygdala to be triggered. This can make kids feel bad and have panic attacks or depression.

       Impacts sense of trust

       How does this show up in our households?

       Parenting Styles: Too permissive vs. Too aggressive

       How does having these two different parenting philosophies affect the mental load?

       • Creates another layer of emotional regulation for each person in the house
       • Also creates another layer of planning for how to address it with your partner
       • Anticipation
       • Overplanning
       • Overstimulation for everyone
       
       

       How does this relate to the mental load? When we have different parenting styles, we spend a lot of headspace thinking about and planning for how to navigate it.

       What does this all come down to? Creating a parenting style that works for both of you. 

       Why didn’t anyone tell us to have these conversations when we were dating/engaged?

       How can we fix this? 

       1. Validate our kids’ emotions
       2. Make a coping skills plan - for them and for you
       3. Practice the coping skills
       
       

       Ideas:

       Be on the same team. He’s not the problem. His temper isn’t the problem (but isn’t it?) You want to come together on a way you can both agree when it comes to dealing with your kids. Go back to the couples vision board: what values are most important for you to give to your children?

       • How to Share The Mental Load of Parenting: 5 Tips From Therapists
       • Short and Long-Term Psychological Effects of Yelling at a Child | BetterHelp
       • Psychological Effects of Being Yelled at | Mantra Care
       
       ]]>c0b0407f-9890-4d09-8f10-680a9a01cbedThu, 30 Nov 2023 04:45:00 -060001:00:11truefull25252Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellWhat I Hear when you say "We Just Need a Better Routine"How routines help the mental load

       In our house, there's two versions of the mental load argument. Version 1 was "you just need to ask for help" now we're on to what I like to call 2.0 of the argument: "we just need a better routine".

       This statement sounds more progressive. It's action-oriented and inclusive. I said "we!". But here's the thing, routines aren't the entire solution. They don't absolve your partner from being an equal participant in whatever task needs to get done that you're currently handling alone.

       A routine isn't going to magically make your kids behave or stop meltdowns that make it difficult to get shit done by yourself.

       If I'm the only one who's currently handling a task while my partner is scrolling through his phone or watching TV, and you tell me "we just need a better routine" what I hear is: "you just need a better routine." But, we don't need a better routine. We have one. You need to participate in it more. Be the other half of the "we" in this life we chose to create together.

       ]]>How routines help the mental load

       In our house, there's two versions of the mental load argument. Version 1 was "you just need to ask for help" now we're on to what I like to call 2.0 of the argument: "we just need a better routine".

       This statement sounds more progressive. It's action-oriented and inclusive. I said "we!". But here's the thing, routines aren't the entire solution. They don't absolve your partner from being an equal participant in whatever task needs to get done that you're currently handling alone.

       A routine isn't going to magically make your kids behave or stop meltdowns that make it difficult to get shit done by yourself.

       If I'm the only one who's currently handling a task while my partner is scrolling through his phone or watching TV, and you tell me "we just need a better routine" what I hear is: "you just need a better routine." But, we don't need a better routine. We have one. You need to participate in it more. Be the other half of the "we" in this life we chose to create together.

       ]]>c82e0086-40ec-492d-8fbe-a1ad50fd73e3Thu, 23 Nov 2023 04:45:00 -060009:30truefull24242Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellMom Guilt & What Holds Women BackHow does this affect mom's careers?
       • Those who are able to put in more time, more travel, be available at all kinds of hours, etc. are more likely to get the big clients, the promotions, the career awards.
       • But it’s not just about the time or physical availability; the mental load also affects mom’s careers because it makes it harder to focus and do deep work.
       
       

        “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. The problem is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job. When we ask women to take on this task of organization and at the same time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.”

       Why do moms end up with so much of the mental load, even in couples that value equality?

       •  It’s not just a “mom problem” and it’s not just a “couple problem” [can’t be solved simply by having moms get more organized or dads pitch in more]
       • Part of the problem is with the way work is structured, especially in the US.
       • If work is too demanding in terms of time/availability/travel/etc., it can make it hard for both parents to have these types of jobs. But greedy jobs tend to pay a lot, so what often happens is that one parent leans into a higher paying job and the other parent downshifts their career to be the “on-call/default parent.”
       • Being the “default parent” à taking on more of the mental load of managing the household
       
       

       What can we do about it? 

       • Societal level: [how do we make work-life more tenable for parents (and especially moms) without just making “mommy track jobs”?]
       • Make work less greedy (this has been done in fields like pharmacy, veterinarians, etc.)
       • Increase flexibility and support across the board; make working conditions better for everyone (this can also be good for business too)
       • Make life less hard for parents (better and more affordable childcare options, more mental health resources for kids and teens, etc.)   
       • Couple level: dads can take on more of the mental load
       • What can moms do? We don’t want to just wait around for society or our partners to change. What are some things that we can do now to make our work life and family life better or more sustainable?
       • How can we focus and do deep work even when carrying the mental load?
       • Dealing with the guilt
       • Dealing with the mental distraction
       • Mindset shifts (how do we square our ambitions with our practical realities?)
       • Work-life conflict à work-life enrichment (Yael Schonbrun)
       • The paradox of limitation (Oliver Burkeman)
       • Slow productivity (Cal Newport)
       
       

       What should men be thinking about as they’re raising modern families that can better support the deep work or change the ratio of greedy work?

       Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time sensitive and occur frequently. When the average man does help around the house, he tends to take on more of the less frequent tasks, which are not as time sensitive and more easily outsourced, such as finances and yard work. 

       What can/should companies do to shift this dynamic?

       What shifts in perspective do we as a society need to make in order to stop holding women back?

       • Half of women in UK fear equality is going back to 1970s – survey | International Women's Day | The Guardian
       • How Thinking Of Everything Holds Mums Back
       • Lightening the Mental Load that Holds Women]]>How does this affect mom's careers?
         • Those who are able to put in more time, more travel, be available at all kinds of hours, etc. are more likely to get the big clients, the promotions, the career awards.
         • But it’s not just about the time or physical availability; the mental load also affects mom’s careers because it makes it harder to focus and do deep work.
         
         

          “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. The problem is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job. When we ask women to take on this task of organization and at the same time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.”

         Why do moms end up with so much of the mental load, even in couples that value equality?

         •  It’s not just a “mom problem” and it’s not just a “couple problem” [can’t be solved simply by having moms get more organized or dads pitch in more]
         • Part of the problem is with the way work is structured, especially in the US.
         • If work is too demanding in terms of time/availability/travel/etc., it can make it hard for both parents to have these types of jobs. But greedy jobs tend to pay a lot, so what often happens is that one parent leans into a higher paying job and the other parent downshifts their career to be the “on-call/default parent.”
         • Being the “default parent” à taking on more of the mental load of managing the household
         
         

         What can we do about it? 

         • Societal level: [how do we make work-life more tenable for parents (and especially moms) without just making “mommy track jobs”?]
         • Make work less greedy (this has been done in fields like pharmacy, veterinarians, etc.)
         • Increase flexibility and support across the board; make working conditions better for everyone (this can also be good for business too)
         • Make life less hard for parents (better and more affordable childcare options, more mental health resources for kids and teens, etc.)   
         • Couple level: dads can take on more of the mental load
         • What can moms do? We don’t want to just wait around for society or our partners to change. What are some things that we can do now to make our work life and family life better or more sustainable?
         • How can we focus and do deep work even when carrying the mental load?
         • Dealing with the guilt
         • Dealing with the mental distraction
         • Mindset shifts (how do we square our ambitions with our practical realities?)
         • Work-life conflict à work-life enrichment (Yael Schonbrun)
         • The paradox of limitation (Oliver Burkeman)
         • Slow productivity (Cal Newport)
         
         

         What should men be thinking about as they’re raising modern families that can better support the deep work or change the ratio of greedy work?

         Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time sensitive and occur frequently. When the average man does help around the house, he tends to take on more of the less frequent tasks, which are not as time sensitive and more easily outsourced, such as finances and yard work. 

         What can/should companies do to shift this dynamic?

         What shifts in perspective do we as a society need to make in order to stop holding women back?

         • Half of women in UK fear equality is going back to 1970s – survey | International Women's Day | The Guardian
         • How Thinking Of Everything Holds Mums Back
         • Lightening the Mental Load that Holds Women Back
         
          
         ]]>3cc68c19-c21d-4653-8ffe-5a2d354c4eafThu, 16 Nov 2023 04:45:00 -060001:12:05truefull23232Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellDon't Tell Me to Ask for HelpThe Mental Load: Why saying "Just ask for Help" is wrong

         On this hot take, Katlynn discusses why men in relationships should not say "you just need to ask for help".

         This makes women feel:

         • undervalued
         • unappreciated
         • taken for granted
         
         

         The reality is that you chose to do this life together, so saying that she just needs to ask for help makes the mental load her problem, indicates that the things she thinks about are her job only and let's her know you don't think of them as mutual chores to share.

         ]]>The Mental Load: Why saying "Just ask for Help" is wrong

         On this hot take, Katlynn discusses why men in relationships should not say "you just need to ask for help".

         This makes women feel:

         • undervalued
         • unappreciated
         • taken for granted
         
         

         The reality is that you chose to do this life together, so saying that she just needs to ask for help makes the mental load her problem, indicates that the things she thinks about are her job only and let's her know you don't think of them as mutual chores to share.

         ]]>aaeb10e6-d303-4e69-8dfb-773023a20c37Thu, 09 Nov 2023 04:45:00 -060012:08truefull22222Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellThe Patriarchy vs. The Mental LoadHow the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load

         This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change.

         And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe.

         What is patriarchy?

         It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life.

         For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others.

         Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas.

         So what does this have to do with the mental load?

         The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load.

         • In society?  Creates a hierarchy of power with white men at the top. Discussion: We'll discuss later on why we think the patriarchy doesn't actually serve men well either, but do you think it's something that the average man thinks about nearly as much as those who mother do?
         • In American culture, women expect to be harassed and are constantly on alert for physical threats.
         • In the workplace? Men hold most senior executive functions
         
         

         If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon?

         Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality.

         So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist?

         What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place?

         • the burden of childcare - as we all know by now, childcare is looked on a being feminine and appearing feminine is a big no-no for men under the patriarchy.
         • sick days
         • pick up/drop off
         • appointments
         
         

         All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.

         • being the default parent - if your spouse is more valued in society than you, you'll be the first one school calls, the one who coordinates all the invisible labor, etc.
         • Contraception - the burden to find it, take it reliably because we do not have rights to our own bodily autonomy in every state
         • Invisible Labor - cooking, cleaning, chores - they're gendered and split unevenly. This is why so...]]>How the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load

           This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change.

           And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe.

           What is patriarchy?

           It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life.

           For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others.

           Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas.

           So what does this have to do with the mental load?

           The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load.

           • In society?  Creates a hierarchy of power with white men at the top. Discussion: We'll discuss later on why we think the patriarchy doesn't actually serve men well either, but do you think it's something that the average man thinks about nearly as much as those who mother do?
           • In American culture, women expect to be harassed and are constantly on alert for physical threats.
           • In the workplace? Men hold most senior executive functions
           
           

           If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon?

           Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality.

           So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist?

           What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place?

           • the burden of childcare - as we all know by now, childcare is looked on a being feminine and appearing feminine is a big no-no for men under the patriarchy.
           • sick days
           • pick up/drop off
           • appointments
           
           

           All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.

           • being the default parent - if your spouse is more valued in society than you, you'll be the first one school calls, the one who coordinates all the invisible labor, etc.
           • Contraception - the burden to find it, take it reliably because we do not have rights to our own bodily autonomy in every state
           • Invisible Labor - cooking, cleaning, chores - they're gendered and split unevenly. This is why so many women
           
           

           Millenial women cite the mental load as one of the primary reasons they get divorced. Is it fair to say that the gendered norms the patriarchy instills in men actually holds them back from being productive in relationships?

           Harmful behavior in households taught by the patriarchy:

           • not helping with cleaning or knowing details of children's lives
           • not emotionally supporting your wife
           • not emotionally supporting your children
           
           

           The man box: it sucks and it's doing your relationships a disservice. You can thank the patriarchy for that.

           What is the man box?

           It’s essentially a set of social constructs that men use to police each other’s behavior and it’s what they’re taught that they bring in to a marriage and a household that become behaviors we find problematic and contribute to the mental load. It’s a concept pioneered by Tony Porter, who has a fantastic TedTalk about it that we’ve linked in the show notes. Essentially:

           • Don’t be emotional - except for Anger, anger is always acceptable
           • Do not show weakness or fear
           • Always demonstrate control 
           • Be a protector
           • Don’t be like a woman - heterosexual
           • Do not be like a gay man
           • Be tough
           • Don’t ask for help
           • View women as property/objects
           
           

           Discussion: What of these man box teachings do you find most problematic and how do they contribute to your mental load?

           Conclusion:

           It's obvious what women have to gain from the patriarchy being radically reformed into something new. Better pay, equal rights, better balance. But men have just as much to gain.

           Does this conversation become a chicken and the egg one? Because economically men benefit so much. And women's work is inherently undervalued so why would they even be convinced to try and change anything? What we see as being gained is seen as a loss by them.

           • Patriarchal Ideology Explained
           • Tony Porter: A call to men | TED Talk
           • Critical Overview of Patriarchy, Its Interferences With Psychological Development, and Risks for Mental Health - PMC
           
           

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Melissa Bloom

           A well lived life

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Season 2 Episode 1 Sponsors

           We don’t have show sponsors, but we do have an amazing group of people who have been great supporters of us on this podcasting journey. One of my favorite things about being married to my husband is actually all of his amazing cousins. Jen Zamzow is one of them and she’s one of the smartest women I’ve met. She’s an adjunct professor of healthcare ethics at the Concordia University Irvine and a freelance writer for publications like Psychology Today and the Washington Post writing about health, well-being and, you guessed it, motherhood. She has a newsletter on substance that you can subscribe to via the link in the show notes called “A Well Lived Life”. Check it out; you won’t regret signing up! Hey everyone it’s Katlynn. In November of 22 I started working with Marcus at Thriving Lives Fitness. After three kids I just wanted my clothes to fit better and to feel confident in my own skin. What I live about working with Marcus is that he treats me as a whole person. He doesn’t just give me meal plans and workouts to follow each week, he asks about things like my stress, digestion and sleep. All things that impact my fitness. Yes, my clothes fit better because I’ve lost weight, but more importantly I feel like I’ve created a healthy lifestyle that can support my family and I long term. I do earn affiliate commission when you sign up with Marcus, but I only recommend products I love. In fact, most of our “ads” are shoutouts to places we love, so when we take on an affiliate partner, you know it’s a big deal. And of course, I can’t not mention my friend, former guest and mindset coach, Melissa Bloom. If you’re looking to reframe your thoughts and see the world through a new lens, Melissa is the perfect guide for your journey. It is not an understatement to say she does life-changing work. She’s done it alongside me for the past year and it’s been one of the best investments I’ve made. Find her at Melissabloom.life and all things Path to Joy. And now, back to the show

           ]]>f6d4fed1-c510-4e74-bd59-98ccc30062ddThu, 02 Nov 2023 04:45:00 -060002:12:07truefull21212Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellSeason 2 Coming SoonShorter episodes and weekly hot takes are coming later this fall!

           The Mental Load will drop new season every summer and winter. This gives Angie and Katlynn time to research and create quality content during the off-season.

           Thanks to everyone who's supported us so far on this journey, we're excited to bring you some amazing guests and conversations soon.

           ]]>Shorter episodes and weekly hot takes are coming later this fall!

           The Mental Load will drop new season every summer and winter. This gives Angie and Katlynn time to research and create quality content during the off-season.

           Thanks to everyone who's supported us so far on this journey, we're excited to bring you some amazing guests and conversations soon.

           ]]>aa2b0ae8-5702-44b6-b6a0-16c95999f2c0Tue, 22 Aug 2023 04:45:00 -060002:14truefull19191Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellBoy, Bye: Divorce and the Mental LoadMillennial women are getting divorced at higher rates and the reason is because of the mental load. The reality is women are not attracted to men we have to mother.

           We’re taught when we’re looking for relationships to look for someone we can take of. But that shit doesn’t change once you get married.

           Today we're joined by Felicia Kashevaroff. Owner of Tend Task and a divorced mom. We dive in deep to what it's like balancing the mental load as a single mom and how the mental load contributes to divorce. Plus, what she's doing to help change that.

           We ask:

           • What was the division of labor like before divorce?
           • Post divorce?
           • What was your mindset as the idea of divorce started to take hold?
           • What other ways did the mental load impact your relationship?
           • Was there recognition after the fact about what could’ve gone differently?
           • How would you change the situation, if anything?
           
           

           Connect with Felicia:

           website

           Instagram

           Email us: angie9130@gmail.com

           
           

           Show supporters:

           Jen Zamzow - A Well Lived Life

           Melissa Bloom

           GforcePR

           ]]>Millennial women are getting divorced at higher rates and the reason is because of the mental load. The reality is women are not attracted to men we have to mother.

           We’re taught when we’re looking for relationships to look for someone we can take of. But that shit doesn’t change once you get married.

           Today we're joined by Felicia Kashevaroff. Owner of Tend Task and a divorced mom. We dive in deep to what it's like balancing the mental load as a single mom and how the mental load contributes to divorce. Plus, what she's doing to help change that.

           We ask:

           • What was the division of labor like before divorce?
           • Post divorce?
           • What was your mindset as the idea of divorce started to take hold?
           • What other ways did the mental load impact your relationship?
           • Was there recognition after the fact about what could’ve gone differently?
           • How would you change the situation, if anything?
           
           

           Connect with Felicia:

           website

           Instagram

           Email us: angie9130@gmail.com

           
           

           Show supporters:

           Jen Zamzow - A Well Lived Life

           Melissa Bloom

           GforcePR

           ]]>b8d508a8-6eb9-4ef7-99a6-5cc2d5d99876Thu, 27 Jul 2023 04:45:00 -060001:04:17truefull18181Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellThe Dad PrivilegeWhat is the dad privilege?

           The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load.

           What is dad privilege?

           The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_-

           We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick. 

           Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high

           
           

           What is maternal gatekeeping?

           A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household. 

           This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way”

           “Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father.

           Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.”

           This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include:

           • What she says about the father in front of or directly to their child.
           • Whether and how often she includes and updates dad on their child’s health, schooling, athletic, religious, and social life, and
           • The extent to which she tells dad that she knows what is best for their child and the correct way to do things—while dad doesn’t.
           
           

           We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves.

           In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships?

           Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege? 

           This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged?

           Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships?

           What are our husband’s reactions?

           • Learned Helplessness
           
           

           
           

           How do we change?

           • Vulnerability?
           • Aim for peace not perfection
           • When we delegate, set expectations upfront and then let it be - don’t micromanage
           • Involve dads more when kids are babies - let them find their stride
           • Remind ourselves that there is more than one right way
           • Explain the why behind some of our “requirements” so our husbands understand what we’re trying to accomplish and why it’s important.
           
           

           What is one...]]>What is the dad privilege?

           The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load.

           What is dad privilege?

           The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_-

           We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick. 

           Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high

           
           

           What is maternal gatekeeping?

           A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household. 

           This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way”

           “Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father.

           Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.”

           This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include:

           • What she says about the father in front of or directly to their child.
           • Whether and how often she includes and updates dad on their child’s health, schooling, athletic, religious, and social life, and
           • The extent to which she tells dad that she knows what is best for their child and the correct way to do things—while dad doesn’t.
           
           

           We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves.

           In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships?

           Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege? 

           This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged?

           Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships?

           What are our husband’s reactions?

           • Learned Helplessness
           
           

           
           

           How do we change?

           • Vulnerability?
           • Aim for peace not perfection
           • When we delegate, set expectations upfront and then let it be - don’t micromanage
           • Involve dads more when kids are babies - let them find their stride
           • Remind ourselves that there is more than one right way
           • Explain the why behind some of our “requirements” so our husbands understand what we’re trying to accomplish and why it’s important.
           
           

           What is one thing you’re going to change now that you’re more aware of how maternal gatekeeping and learned helplessness?

           
           

           ]]>0ee6ada7-a735-42de-8ea8-8cc734e0d7beThu, 13 Jul 2023 04:45:00 -060001:23:08truefull17171Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellWhat your Kids are Learning about the Mental LoadWhat are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load?

           What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load?

           
           

           One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle. 

           What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load?

           "A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!)

           If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not."

           How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change?

           In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change.

           Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom.

           Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like. 

           We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships.

           How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load?

           1. Husbands can learn and model anticipating so our boys mimic them
           2. Non-gendered chores - don’t give boys the “once in a while” chores while your girls get the daily ones (anecdote about “husband lessons” from Sam and how I see Hudson getting frustrated by the mental load of the dishwasher)
           3. Teach them planning/anticipating and monitoring - if they feed the dog, they need to be responsible for writing down dog food on the grocery list when it’s needed. Or bringing their laundry to the laundry room if they’re old enough to see they’re running low. 
           4. Pay both genders equally for chores
           5. Create clear expectations and consequences (no video games until your socks are picked up) 
           
           

           Feedback? Email Angie at: ang9130@gmail.com

           
           

           
           

           
           

           ]]>What are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load?

           What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load?

           
           

           One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle. 

           What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load?

           "A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!)

           If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not."

           How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change?

           In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change.

           Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom.

           Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like. 

           We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships.

           How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load?

           1. Husbands can learn and model anticipating so our boys mimic them
           2. Non-gendered chores - don’t give boys the “once in a while” chores while your girls get the daily ones (anecdote about “husband lessons” from Sam and how I see Hudson getting frustrated by the mental load of the dishwasher)
           3. Teach them planning/anticipating and monitoring - if they feed the dog, they need to be responsible for writing down dog food on the grocery list when it’s needed. Or bringing their laundry to the laundry room if they’re old enough to see they’re running low. 
           4. Pay both genders equally for chores
           5. Create clear expectations and consequences (no video games until your socks are picked up) 
           
           

           Feedback? Email Angie at: ang9130@gmail.com

           
           

           
           

           
           

           ]]>362fb266-c028-42ae-8bf0-a0e683e61b52Thu, 29 Jun 2023 04:45:00 -060001:33:12truefull16161Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellAdvice to Fix the Mental LoadAdvice to fix the mental load

           How women can lighten the mental load

           Welcome, Melissa Bloom, energy coach!

           The most popular question we get is "how do I fix the imbalance? how do I get rid of or at least lighten the mental load?"

           It's a challenging issue because it has so many different facets to it. Enter, Melissa. As an energy coach, Melissa works with all kinds of clients to find balance and feel joy in their lives. The mental load, as we all know, takes a heavy toll on women personally and professionally.

           Here's her practical advice for solving the mental load:

           • Know what's important to you and align your daily/weekly activities to support what's important
           • Curate your environment
           • Be intentional about creating space for yourself (this is NOT about self care!)
           • Start your day by creating a morning ritual
           • Have conversations that focus on what your family wants to feel rather than starting with a to-do list
           
           

           Buy Melissa's book

           30 days of inspiration

           Path to Joy Podcast

           Melissa's Work

           
           

           ]]>Advice to fix the mental load

           How women can lighten the mental load

           Welcome, Melissa Bloom, energy coach!

           The most popular question we get is "how do I fix the imbalance? how do I get rid of or at least lighten the mental load?"

           It's a challenging issue because it has so many different facets to it. Enter, Melissa. As an energy coach, Melissa works with all kinds of clients to find balance and feel joy in their lives. The mental load, as we all know, takes a heavy toll on women personally and professionally.

           Here's her practical advice for solving the mental load:

           • Know what's important to you and align your daily/weekly activities to support what's important
           • Curate your environment
           • Be intentional about creating space for yourself (this is NOT about self care!)
           • Start your day by creating a morning ritual
           • Have conversations that focus on what your family wants to feel rather than starting with a to-do list
           
           

           Buy Melissa's book

           30 days of inspiration

           Path to Joy Podcast

           Melissa's Work

           
           

           ]]>2b98d006-e70f-4614-8226-158c07c25c10Thu, 15 Jun 2023 04:45:00 -060057:10truefull15151Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellGender ProgrammingHow does gender programming affect the mental load?

           All of this to say that women are taught from an early age that our worth and value comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise. Dads are taught that their job is done as soon as they’ve provided shelter and money for the family. 

           What this looks like in Women: 

           • Programmed to think self worth comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise
           • Are taught to be the caretakers (therefore we prioritize this within our do to list)
           • Nice vs Kind: Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care.
           • "Being Nice" means we avoid confrontation and is dishonest. Kind would be honest but often uncomfortable
           • Confrontation in relationships feels like it could be the end rather than an opportunity to understand more or accept differences
           • Nice leads to guilt over having our own needs
           • We police our own behavior:
           • Tone of voice (harshest for women of color who battle the “angry black woman” trope in all areas of life)
           • If we ask for something, say at work, we risk being labeled “aggressive”
           • Nice is transactional but “kind” positions us as worthy to give and receive kindness
           • Our time and work is seen as less valuable than when men can contribute - both at home and in the office. 
           
           

           Women are often seen as multi-taskers that it’s part of their personality

           if being a “multi-tasker” was a personality trait, we would see it spread across genders. But as it stands, women are the ones being assigned with this label.

           What programming looks like in men:

           Men are programmed to believe their worth comes from providing for the family. Once those jobs are complete, they deserve to be cared for. Men are raised to be:

           • Breadwinners
           • Protectors
           • Hold jobs that are more highly valued
           • Disconnected - emotions are weaknesses
           
           

           But,

           • Women are seen as “right” when it comes to the safety of the (shared) children
           
           

           In a study, young men supported gender equality in theory. But many held on to traditional ideas about gender roles. They saw men as “breadwinners” or “protectors” and women as “carers” and felt that societal attitudes hadn’t changed dramatically.

           One of the ways we reinforce gendered behavior is by focusing on economics. If one partner earns more money than the other, we tell ourselves that the partner who earns less or works fewer hours has more time for household work. Each week, according to Pew, mothers spend nearly twice as long as fathers doing unpaid domestic work. 

           Men are simply not taught to look at the things that we look at because remember the mental load is largely anticipating and monitoring the outcomes, the shit end of the process to do and that’s how gender programming contributes to the mental load. 

           when women say they're solely charged with handling their child's well-being, including being attentive to their emotions and relationships, it can lead to lower satisfaction with their partner and their life, as well as feelings of emptiness. That included whether the women felt unconditionally loved and accepted as well as how they viewed intimacy with their partners. Even when taking such variables into account, Luthar found that being solely responsible for a child's emotional development was negatively related to women's well-being and satisfaction with their relationship.

           Stereotypical expectations about what constitutes women’s and men’s work are not simply the outmoded relics of past generations. Research shows they persist even among How does gender programming affect the mental load?

           All of this to say that women are taught from an early age that our worth and value comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise. Dads are taught that their job is done as soon as they’ve provided shelter and money for the family. 

           What this looks like in Women: 

           • Programmed to think self worth comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise
           • Are taught to be the caretakers (therefore we prioritize this within our do to list)
           • Nice vs Kind: Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care.
           • "Being Nice" means we avoid confrontation and is dishonest. Kind would be honest but often uncomfortable
           • Confrontation in relationships feels like it could be the end rather than an opportunity to understand more or accept differences
           • Nice leads to guilt over having our own needs
           • We police our own behavior:
           • Tone of voice (harshest for women of color who battle the “angry black woman” trope in all areas of life)
           • If we ask for something, say at work, we risk being labeled “aggressive”
           • Nice is transactional but “kind” positions us as worthy to give and receive kindness
           • Our time and work is seen as less valuable than when men can contribute - both at home and in the office. 
           
           

           Women are often seen as multi-taskers that it’s part of their personality

           if being a “multi-tasker” was a personality trait, we would see it spread across genders. But as it stands, women are the ones being assigned with this label.

           What programming looks like in men:

           Men are programmed to believe their worth comes from providing for the family. Once those jobs are complete, they deserve to be cared for. Men are raised to be:

           • Breadwinners
           • Protectors
           • Hold jobs that are more highly valued
           • Disconnected - emotions are weaknesses
           
           

           But,

           • Women are seen as “right” when it comes to the safety of the (shared) children
           
           

           In a study, young men supported gender equality in theory. But many held on to traditional ideas about gender roles. They saw men as “breadwinners” or “protectors” and women as “carers” and felt that societal attitudes hadn’t changed dramatically.

           One of the ways we reinforce gendered behavior is by focusing on economics. If one partner earns more money than the other, we tell ourselves that the partner who earns less or works fewer hours has more time for household work. Each week, according to Pew, mothers spend nearly twice as long as fathers doing unpaid domestic work. 

           Men are simply not taught to look at the things that we look at because remember the mental load is largely anticipating and monitoring the outcomes, the shit end of the process to do and that’s how gender programming contributes to the mental load. 

           when women say they're solely charged with handling their child's well-being, including being attentive to their emotions and relationships, it can lead to lower satisfaction with their partner and their life, as well as feelings of emptiness. That included whether the women felt unconditionally loved and accepted as well as how they viewed intimacy with their partners. Even when taking such variables into account, Luthar found that being solely responsible for a child's emotional development was negatively related to women's well-being and satisfaction with their relationship.

           Stereotypical expectations about what constitutes women’s and men’s work are not simply the outmoded relics of past generations. Research shows they persist even among LGTBQ families as well as millennial couples.

           Should women care less? 

           In a reel we were sent it's a lady who, upfront, seems like she's explaining something everyone can get on board with: men aren't taught to "need" things to be clean, so they don't like to clean. It's useless to convince them they should like to clean. But they can be convinced to clean because you care about cleaning and "men will do a lot of stupid shit for the women they love". But then she ends with a zinger: "But women, you should also just care less".

           Women shouldn't have to care less. We shouldn't be expected to be the ones that adjust our needs and wants. Men are capable of doing it too and there's plenty of research that shows why they should.

           Should men care more?

           Going back to gender assumed roles. They don’t have as much emotional skin in the game to care about a tidy home so their care meter is different than ours.

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           Ad Intro

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           ]]>45e38ef7-8e87-4238-9673-b53124ab3386Thu, 01 Jun 2023 04:45:00 -060001:24:44truefull14141Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellBut How? Mental Load Advice from a Marriage TherapistAdvice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.

           The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.

           
           

           It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?

           Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:

           • having the conversation
           • examining your own contributions
           • approaching your partner
           • creating lasting change
           • the impact of the mental load on relationships
           
           

           Join us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Ad Intro

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           ]]>Advice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.

           The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.

           
           

           It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?

           Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:

           • having the conversation
           • examining your own contributions
           • approaching your partner
           • creating lasting change
           • the impact of the mental load on relationships
           
           

           Join us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Ad Intro

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           ]]>8439c14e-4901-482d-9fd1-4295f0390c48Thu, 18 May 2023 04:45:00 -060056:57truefull13131Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellSticky Floor Glass CeilingWhat is the impact of the mental load on women's careers?

           Invisible labor for women at work

           
           

           How did we get here?

           The mental load has been a generational issue but it didn't become obvious to everyone until Covid where women suddenly found themselves working from home, parenting 24/7 and teaching their children. While men picked up more duties around the house, it was not enough to radically shift the load around; the invisible labor still stayed with women.

           What’s going on? Women are expected to:

           • Anticipate - not just the need but also everyone’s feelings around it
           • Identify - what solutions are available (men usually help)
           • Decide - which solution is best (men usually help)
           • Monitor - again with the feelings. Is it working? Is everyone happy?
           
           

           Women disproportionately are responsible for the “anticipate” and “monitor” phases. 

           Once on the agenda, couples decide together, but the shit work is happening before and after.

           At home, we've got the sticky floor and professionally, we have the glass ceiling.

           Women are generally viewed as distracted once they have families and are promoted less, therefore earning less over their lifetime.

           Early promotions in a career are most critical to success,3 and yet for the past eight years, McKinsey research has consistently shown that women lose ground in the step up to manager. According to data from our research conducted for the Women in the Workplace 2021 report, women hold only 34 percent of entry-level engineering and product roles and just 26 percent of first-level manager positions, compared with 48 percent of entry-level roles and 41 percent of first-level manager positions in the pipeline overall.

           Common reason women step off leadership track: the mental load

           
           

           Does the mental load affect your ability to focus and “climb the ladder”?

           Revelations we’ve had about “climbing the ladder” - is it overrated?

           
           

           Perception of the workload at home:

           Men say its equal but usually take on less time sensitive and more easily outsourced even when they work part time or not at all compared to their spouses

           The ambition gap - are women really less ambitious than men?

           findings show clearly that women start their careers with just as much  ambition as men.1  Women’s ambition levels do vary, but they vary by company, not by family status.

           In other words, the problem is neither inherent nor related to motherhood; instead, it hinges on the day-to-day experiences of women at work. Ambition is not a fixed attribute but is nurtured—or damaged—by the daily interactions, conversations, and opportunities that women face over time.

           Having children does not make women less ambitious. Ambition is influenced by company culture.

           The wage gap - Women have stalled economically

           
           

           Is a woman’s well-being outside of work non of a company’s concern?

           Work from home vs working in an office - does one support women better?

           
           

           What are some solutions for companies to lighten the load?

           1. Provide equitable access to training, projects, and other resources to accelerate skill building for women in technical roles

           2. Implement a structured approach to early promotions 

           3. Connect early-tenure women with capable managers, mentors, and sponsors

           Change the informal context. A person’s experience at work consists of countless small interactions, and the leadership environment at many companies can feel like a familiar set of masculine tropes.

           Make and relentlessly promote structural changes such as flexible...]]>What is the impact of the mental load on women's careers?

           Invisible labor for women at work

           
           

           How did we get here?

           The mental load has been a generational issue but it didn't become obvious to everyone until Covid where women suddenly found themselves working from home, parenting 24/7 and teaching their children. While men picked up more duties around the house, it was not enough to radically shift the load around; the invisible labor still stayed with women.

           What’s going on? Women are expected to:

           • Anticipate - not just the need but also everyone’s feelings around it
           • Identify - what solutions are available (men usually help)
           • Decide - which solution is best (men usually help)
           • Monitor - again with the feelings. Is it working? Is everyone happy?
           
           

           Women disproportionately are responsible for the “anticipate” and “monitor” phases. 

           Once on the agenda, couples decide together, but the shit work is happening before and after.

           At home, we've got the sticky floor and professionally, we have the glass ceiling.

           Women are generally viewed as distracted once they have families and are promoted less, therefore earning less over their lifetime.

           Early promotions in a career are most critical to success,3 and yet for the past eight years, McKinsey research has consistently shown that women lose ground in the step up to manager. According to data from our research conducted for the Women in the Workplace 2021 report, women hold only 34 percent of entry-level engineering and product roles and just 26 percent of first-level manager positions, compared with 48 percent of entry-level roles and 41 percent of first-level manager positions in the pipeline overall.

           Common reason women step off leadership track: the mental load

           
           

           Does the mental load affect your ability to focus and “climb the ladder”?

           Revelations we’ve had about “climbing the ladder” - is it overrated?

           
           

           Perception of the workload at home:

           Men say its equal but usually take on less time sensitive and more easily outsourced even when they work part time or not at all compared to their spouses

           The ambition gap - are women really less ambitious than men?

           findings show clearly that women start their careers with just as much  ambition as men.1  Women’s ambition levels do vary, but they vary by company, not by family status.

           In other words, the problem is neither inherent nor related to motherhood; instead, it hinges on the day-to-day experiences of women at work. Ambition is not a fixed attribute but is nurtured—or damaged—by the daily interactions, conversations, and opportunities that women face over time.

           Having children does not make women less ambitious. Ambition is influenced by company culture.

           The wage gap - Women have stalled economically

           
           

           Is a woman’s well-being outside of work non of a company’s concern?

           Work from home vs working in an office - does one support women better?

           
           

           What are some solutions for companies to lighten the load?

           1. Provide equitable access to training, projects, and other resources to accelerate skill building for women in technical roles

           2. Implement a structured approach to early promotions 

           3. Connect early-tenure women with capable managers, mentors, and sponsors

           Change the informal context. A person’s experience at work consists of countless small interactions, and the leadership environment at many companies can feel like a familiar set of masculine tropes.

           Make and relentlessly promote structural changes such as flexible work. 

           
           

           
           

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Ad Intro

           ]]>858b091e-6ada-40ea-8bda-90f0bd525c7bThu, 04 May 2023 04:45:00 -060001:13:14truefull12121Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellIt's a Real F***ing ThingWhat is the mental load?

           How does the mental load affect women?

           Is the mental load a real thing? And if it is, what is its impact on women?

           The mental load is all the “invisible work” that needs to be done to keep daily life going

           This includes cognitive and emotional needs as well.

           Cognitive labor involves thinking of all the practical needs and logistics and emotional labor involves managing and regulating everyone’s emotions to create the most successful outcome for everyone. 

           Four components of the mental load:

           • Anticipating needs
           • Finding solutions to meet them
           • Making decisions
           • Monitoring progress
           
           

           What is the effect on women?

           Health:

           • Anxiety disorders
           • Burnout
           • Depression
           
           

           At work:

           • Stalled careers
           • Judgement: that we’re distracted 
           
           

           Economically:

           The wage gap literally exists because of the mental load. Women are paid less than men and women of color are paid less than white women.

           Relationships:

           Kids - we teach our boys that women carry the mental load for them and we teach our girls that they're responsible for doing invisible labor. We're less present with our families, simply going through the motions of managing a family rather than participating in the family.

           Husbands - when they don't help shoulder the mental load, they miss out on opportunities to bond with their children. Their partners/wives become resentful and everyone's happiness takes a nose dive. At the end of the day, women are less intimate and less likely to want to have sex with their husbands because they resent them for not carrying more of the load.

           Friendships - we lose the closeness of our friendships when we're too busy to coordinate regular meet-ups with our friends.

           Why are any of these things a problem?

           We're teaching our kids the same generational cycle we resent and women end up feeling unfulfilled in their own lives. They get lost in motherhood.

           
           

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Ad Intro

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           ]]>What is the mental load?

           How does the mental load affect women?

           Is the mental load a real thing? And if it is, what is its impact on women?

           The mental load is all the “invisible work” that needs to be done to keep daily life going

           This includes cognitive and emotional needs as well.

           Cognitive labor involves thinking of all the practical needs and logistics and emotional labor involves managing and regulating everyone’s emotions to create the most successful outcome for everyone. 

           Four components of the mental load:

           • Anticipating needs
           • Finding solutions to meet them
           • Making decisions
           • Monitoring progress
           
           

           What is the effect on women?

           Health:

           • Anxiety disorders
           • Burnout
           • Depression
           
           

           At work:

           • Stalled careers
           • Judgement: that we’re distracted 
           
           

           Economically:

           The wage gap literally exists because of the mental load. Women are paid less than men and women of color are paid less than white women.

           Relationships:

           Kids - we teach our boys that women carry the mental load for them and we teach our girls that they're responsible for doing invisible labor. We're less present with our families, simply going through the motions of managing a family rather than participating in the family.

           Husbands - when they don't help shoulder the mental load, they miss out on opportunities to bond with their children. Their partners/wives become resentful and everyone's happiness takes a nose dive. At the end of the day, women are less intimate and less likely to want to have sex with their husbands because they resent them for not carrying more of the load.

           Friendships - we lose the closeness of our friendships when we're too busy to coordinate regular meet-ups with our friends.

           Why are any of these things a problem?

           We're teaching our kids the same generational cycle we resent and women end up feeling unfulfilled in their own lives. They get lost in motherhood.

           
           

           Mentioned in this episode:

           Ad Intro

           Thriving Lives Fitness

           Our House Children's Learning Center

           ]]>ea8f93b2-ab60-4252-92a4-4026be20d00fThu, 04 May 2023 04:45:00 -060001:08:21truefull11111Katlynn Pyatt and Angie CantrellThe Mental Load - IntroChanging the mental load

           Helping moms understand and balance the mental load of raising kids

           Do you ever feel like you want to scream because you do all the stuff and things related to running your household and raising kid and yet nobody seems to notice how hard you work?

           We do.

           We're Angie and Katlynn. Two millennial moms brought together by our spitfire daughters.

           We're here to explore why the mental load exists, what keeps it in place and how we can change it to create a better, more supportive society for moms and families in America.

           Join us every other week starting in May for maternal mental health month for new episodes.

           ]]>Changing the mental load

           Helping moms understand and balance the mental load of raising kids

           Do you ever feel like you want to scream because you do all the stuff and things related to running your household and raising kid and yet nobody seems to notice how hard you work?

           We do.

           We're Angie and Katlynn. Two millennial moms brought together by our spitfire daughters.

           We're here to explore why the mental load exists, what keeps it in place and how we can change it to create a better, more supportive society for moms and families in America.

           Join us every other week starting in May for maternal mental health month for new episodes.

           ]]>56c89bb9-930c-4eeb-92d1-482c9701397eWed, 19 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -060003:02truetrailer111Katlynn Pyatt and Angie Cantrell