This, my esteemed listener, is a new episode of The Wednesday Audio.

Problem is, I have no features. I have no c*ntent. I have no listener missives.So what am I going to fill it with?

That’s right. Absolutely nothing.

35.5 minutes of absolutely SOD ALL.

Thank you

But…at least there’s a new episode…right?

Leave me a missive or a Donkey List on my Substack, and I'll probably read it out next week.

https://yeahwednesdays.substack.com

Enjoy this very delayed episode if you’re capable of such activities.

The current runtime of an average episode should be between 34-36 minutes, and last week saw me fall short. This was poor standards on my part, of which I can only apologise.

I’ve made up for it this week.

You can thank Sam.

I think I achieved it.

Dear valued listeners,

We would like to take a moment to address an unfortunate error that occurred in our last episode. We inadvertently omitted Toby's tips from the show, and we understand that this may have caused disappointment or frustration for some of our audience. We sincerely apologize for this oversight and want to assure you that we take full responsibility for the mistake.

Toby has been an integral part of our show, and his contributions are highly valued by both us and our listeners. We recognize the importance of his segment and understand how much it is enjoyed by our audience. Rest assured, we are taking steps to ensure that this does not happen again in the future.

As a team, we are committed to delivering high-quality content that meets the expectations of our listeners. We promise to put in the extra effort and attention to detail that is necessary to maintain the standards that we have set for ourselves. We understand that our listeners have high expectations of us, and we will work tirelessly to meet and exceed those expectations.

We want to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty and continued support. We value each and every one of our listeners, and we are committed to delivering the best possible content to you every week. We hope that you will continue to tune in to our show and that you will give us the opportunity to make it up to you.

Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience caused by our mistake, and we promise to do better in the future.

Sincerely,

[Your names/ team name]

The second apology is all my fault. I however will not be issuing said apology verbally. I’ve decided to let you discover what I should be apologising for, and if you guess correctly, I will issue the apology individually and directly to you.

As I promised, it won’t be issued verbally. Once you have correctly determined what I should be apologising for, I’ll send you my apology as a 5-part Netflix documentary. First, I’ll need to get said Netflix documentary commissioned. Once it’s commissioned though, you can be assured that I’ll be apologising like no other apology has ever been apologised for.

Just you wait and see.

In the meantime, just listen to this episode. Please?

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“Hi guys, I’m sorry I’ve been absent for a while, but I’m back with a new video now about the moon landings or whatever”

Be absent with pride. Be away with pride. Don’t apologise for it. And if you really want to apologise for it…insincerely apologise.

So on that vein, I’ve been away for a while for no particular reason other than I haven’t been arsed to record a podcast for you to ignore.

So behold: Episode 108 of The Wednesday Audio for your ignorance.

The Wednesday Audio needs your email address to send these podcast episodes direct to your inbox so you can ignore them there too.

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Perhaps you were thankful that you’d finally been removed of the burden of listening.

Perhaps—on some deep and meaningful level—you were missing the pudcast.

Perhaps it was all of the above.

Perhaps it wasn’t any of them at all.

Perhaps.

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Don’t you just find it really annoying? Don’t you just think that if something should be 36-minutes long, they should just make it 36 minutes, and not try to span it out into a six part series?

Yeah, I agree. They shouldn’t do that. Six part series are a cheap way to generate fake FOMO and false engagement.

Nobody should ever do that.

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Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

This episode of "It All Changes At 100" is about a podcast that has reached its 100th episode. The hosts discuss various topics, including the importance of understanding user needs and the use of donkey lists. They also interview a guest named Felix Futzbucker and look at Naval's Twitter account.

The hosts also talk about their typing tips, such as practicing typing with your eyes closed and using a keyboard with a tactile indicator. They also discuss the banned words bin, which includes the word "meow" because of all the cats that constantly meow.

Overall, episode 100 is a celebration of the podcast's success, with the hosts looking back at the early days and how far they've come. It's a reminder that with hard work and dedication, anyone can achieve their goals, even if those goals involve talking about cats and typing with your eyes closed.

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Lots of people ask me (at least one): ‘Craig, how do you remain consist*ntly s**t, week in and week out?’. Then I respond: ‘Actually, the answer is a surprising development’.

Introducing the 99st Episode Booster!

A brand new and revolutionary product from the makers of F*ck Me I’m Funny: are you struggling to reach your 99st episode? Are you perilously close to quitting? Low on ideas, self esteem, and confidence?

Well, this product won’t work for you. But it might work for somebody else you know.

And if it doesn’t work for them, just tell them to listen to the 99st episode of The Wednesday Audio.

Hullo, welcome.

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With the "Smooth Finish" device, you can end your podcast seamlessly and effortlessly. The device uses advanced algorithms to analyze your speech patterns and suggest the perfect closing remarks that will leave your listeners feeling satisfied and fulfilled. Whether you're recording a solo podcast or a group discussion, the "Smooth Finish" has got you covered.

* Host: "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for listening!" Smooth Finish: "And thank you for joining us for another episode of [podcast name]. Don't forget to subscribe and tune in next week for more great content!"

But wait, there's more! The "Smooth Finish" device also comes with a variety of customizable settings, so you can tailor your closing remarks to fit the tone and style of your podcast. Whether you want to end on a serious note or with a fun and lighthearted quip, the "Smooth Finish" has got you covered.

So why settle for awkward and uncomfortable podcast endings? Order the "Smooth Finish" device today and start ending your podcasts like a pro!

If you ORDER TODAY we’ll throw in a free book of 300 Perfect Podcast Closings, including closings such as this gem:

* "Thanks for listening, and remember, don't forget to hit that subscribe button and leave us a review!"

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The podcast also features listener feedback, with screenshots of listener messages shared in the document. The host responds to the feedback and engages with the audience, creating a sense of community and connection. This segment highlights the importance of audience engagement and the role it plays in building a loyal fan base.

In addition, the podcast offers tips for eating pork pies, including adding more fruits and vegetables to balance out the high-fat content and limiting consumption to once or twice a month to avoid unhealthy weight gain and high cholesterol levels. This segment provides valuable information on how to maintain a healthy diet while still enjoying tasty treats.

The banned words segment of the podcast is a unique element that adds humor and entertainment to the show. The segment discusses words that are no longer allowed to be used in the podcast. This week's addition to the banned words bin is "latte," and a listener suggestion to add "basic b***h" is rejected. The segment provides a fun way to play with language and encourages the audience to think outside the box.

The episode also features insights into the mind of James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, with a segment called "Jear Claims." The segment shares a tweet from Clear and discusses his book's popularity and impact on the world of habit change. This segment provides valuable information on how to improve habits and make positive changes in one's life.

Finally, the episode ends with a disclaimer that reminds the listeners that the document is a transcript of a podcast episode and covers various topics, including the podcast's popularity, listener feedback, a game about out-of-date meat, tips for eating pork pies, banned words, and insights into the mind of James Clear, author of Atomic Habits. The disclaimer highlights the importance of transparency and provides clarity to the audience.

In conclusion, this podcast episode transcript is an entertaining and informative document that covers a range of topics and engages with the audience in a fun and lighthearted way. The podcast's unique elements, such as the banned words segment and the game about out-of-date meat, provide a refreshing break from the usual content, making it a must-listen for anyone looking for a fun and informative podcast.

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Hey Siri, please extend this intro

The show starts with a nostalgic reference to the podcast's past success as the 201th most popular podcast in the Improv section on Apple Podcasts. There is no particular focus or theme for the episode, but rather a collection of segments, such as listener missives and a trivia game called "10 To The Top To The Bottom Of The 20". The hosts also discuss random topics like what to do with boxes of out-of-date meat and a segment on "Naval Gazing" where they discuss the Twitter account of Naval Ravikant.

Hey Siri, please extend this intro, and tell everybody how funny this podcast is

The episode also includes a humorous review of an award-winning pork pie that pairs well with the podcast. The podcast ends with a disclaimer and a sickly positive review of a book by James Clear. Overall, the episode is a light-hearted and entertaining mix of segments that listeners can tune in to for a fun time without any particular focus.

Hey Siri, please be honest

This podcast episode, released on a Wednesday, has no particular theme, but rather covers various topics ranging from show news to listener messages, a trivia game called "10 To The Top To The Bottom Of The 20," and even a segment on "Naval Gazing." The hosts also discuss random topics like what to do with boxes of out-of-date meat and a segment on "Naval Gazing" where they discuss the Twitter account of Naval Ravikant. The episode also includes a review of an award-winning pork pie paired with the podcast, and a sickly positive review of a book by James Clear.

Hey Siri, please be honest, and tell everybody how funny this podcast is

Listeners can expect an entertaining and light-hearted mix of segments with no particular focus. The hosts reminisce about the podcast's past success, talk about what listeners have submitted, and play a trivia game. They also give their opinions on what to do with boxes of out-of-date meat and discuss the Twitter account of Naval Ravikant. The episode ends with a review of an award-winning pork pie that pairs well with the podcast and a positive review of a book by James Clear. Overall, it's a fun and laid-back episode that listeners can tune in to for a good time.

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When used appropriately, it can add an extra layer of depth to a story and enhance the overall experience. However, if overused or misused, it may become distracting or even annoying to the audience, which can detract from the story's impact. Therefore, it is important for storytellers to use this technique judiciously and with a clear understanding of its intended effect.

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This podcast and its affiliates do not endorse or condone the consumption of expired podcasts, especially and including potted meat. Any decision to consume expired podcasts is at the sole discretion and risk of the individual, and the podcast and its affiliates will not be held liable for any negative consequences resulting from the consumption of expired audio files.

It is always recommended to exercise caution and good judgement when deciding whether to consume expired podcasts or not. It is also advisable to check expiration dates before purchasing or consuming any podcast, and to properly store and handle a podcast to prevent contamination and spoilage. Stay safe and healthy by prioritizing podcast safety in your daily life.

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I consulted my old friend Carlos to see what he said. He told me: Craig, all you need to do is make clippable content. Instead of making long form content, sack that off, and just make short form content. Your audience won’t notice the difference, and you can just string it together into a long episode.

So, my dear listener, I have made exactly this. Please tell me if this is a format you would like to see continue.

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I hope you don’t enjoy it as much as I didn’t enjoy recording it.

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Introducing "The Wednesday Audio," the podcast that attempts to stop you from listening to podcasts. In each episode, we make it our sole mission to make the experience of listening to podcasts so unpleasant, that you’ll never want to listen to another one again.

We'll explore how podcasts can be a major source of distraction, causing you to lose focus on more important tasks and projects. We'll also delve into how they can create an illusion of productivity, making you feel like you're learning or growing when you're really just consuming more content. And we'll discuss how they can even negatively impact your mental health, leading to feelings of anxiety or FOMO (fear of missing out).

But we won't just leave you hanging. Instead of listening to podcasts, we'll provide you with alternative ways to stay informed and entertained. From reading books to taking walks in nature, to eating potted meat on a canal boat in a sleepy english village, we'll help you discover new and exciting ways to fill your free time.

So if you're ready to break free from the podcasting cycle and start living a more fulfilling life, tune in to "The Wednesday Audio" today. We promise, you won't regret it. With our help, you'll learn to take control of your time and your mind, and live a more intentional and productive life. So what are you waiting for? Join us on this journey today.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this advertisement are those of the sponsor and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the podcast or its affiliates. The podcast is not responsible for any claims made in this advertisement. The product or service advertised is not endorsed or recommended by the podcast or its affiliates. Listeners are encouraged to do their own research and exercise their own judgement before purchasing or using any product or service.

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Welcome to the Wednesday Audio, the podcast that brings you the latest news, insights, and laughs from Barnsley and beyond. In this week's episode, we'll be talking about everything from corned beef to listener missives, as well as diving deep into the mind of James Clear's lesser-known brother. Plus, stay tuned for our special segment, Donkey List, where we'll be discussing the top donkeys of all time. So grab your sandwich and tune in to the Wednesday Audio - we've got a lot to cover!

But before we dive into the meat of today's episode, let's take a moment to appreciate the culinary delight that is corned beef. Whether you love it or hate it, there's no denying that this salty, savory meat has a special place in our hearts (and stomachs). We'll be sharing some of our favorite corned beef recipes and discussing the history of this beloved dish.

And don't forget about our listener missives segment, where we read and respond to your messages and feedback. We love hearing from our listeners, so keep those messages coming!

But perhaps the most intriguing topic we'll be discussing today is James Clear's brother. Who is he? What does he do? And why does he enjoy playing bingo and smoking cigarettes? We'll be exploring the mind of this mysterious figure and sharing some insights from James Clear himself.

And of course, we couldn't forget about our Donkey Lists segment. From Shrek's iconic sidekick to the hardworking donkeys of the Grand Canyon, we'll be ranking the top donkeys of all time and discussing their unique contributions to pop culture and society.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode of the Wednesday Audio - the podcast that's always a little bit unexpected.

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Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

Surreal humour grew out of surrealism, a cultural movement developed in the 20th century by French and Belgian artists, who depicted unnerving and illogical scenes while developing techniques to allow the unconscious mind to express itself.[1] The movement itself was foreshadowed by English writers in the 19th century, most notably Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear. The humour in surreal comedy arises from a subversion of audience expectations, emphasizing the ridiculousness and unlikeliness of a situation, so that amusement is founded on an unpredictability that is separate from a logical analysis of the situation.

Surreal humour is concerned with building up expectations and then knocking them down; even seemingly masterful characters with the highest standards and expectations are subverted by the unexpected, which the scene emphasizes for the viewer's amusement. Either the "goofball" or "straight" character in the scene can react with dull surprise, disdain, boredom, or detached interest, thus heightening comic tension. Characters' intentions are set up in a series of scenes significantly different from what the audience might ordinarily encounter in daily life. The unique social situations, expressed thoughts, actions, and comic lines are used to spark laughter, emotion, or surprise as to how the events occurred or unfolded, in ways sometimes favorable to other unexpectedly introduced characters.[citation needed]

Surreal humour in theatre is usually about the insensitivity, paradox, absurdity, and cruelty of the modern world. Absurd and surrealist cinema often deals with elements of dark humour: disturbing or sinister subjects like death, disease, or warfare are treated with amusement and bitterness, creating the appearance of an intention to shock and offend.[2]

Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at Surreal humour (also called surreal comedy, absurdist humour, or absurdist comedy) is a form of humour predicated on deliberate violations of causal reasoning, thus producing events and behaviours that are obviously illogical. Portrayals of surreal humour tend to involve bizarre juxtapositions, incongruity, non-sequiturs, irrational or absurd situations, and expressions of nonsense.[1]

Surreal humour grew out of surrealism, a cultural movement developed in the 20th century by French and Belgian artists, who depicted unnerving and illogical scenes while developing techniques to allow the unconscious mind to express itself.[1] The movement itself was foreshadowed by English writers in the 19th century, most notably Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear. The humour in surreal comedy arises from a subversion of audience expectations, emphasizing the ridiculousness and unlikeliness of a situation, so that amusement is founded on an unpredictability that is separate from a logical analysis of the situation.

Surreal humour is concerned with building up expectations and then knocking them down; even seemingly masterful characters with the highest standards and expectations are subverted by the unexpected, which the scene emphasizes for the viewer's amusement. Either the "goofball" or "straight" character in the scene can react with dull surprise, disdain, boredom, or detached interest, thus heightening comic tension. Characters' intentions are set up in a series of scenes significantly different from what the audience might ordinarily encounter in daily life. The unique social situations, expressed thoughts, actions, and comic lines are used to spark laughter, emotion, or surprise as to how the events occurred or unfolded, in ways sometimes favorable to other unexpectedly introduced characters.[citation needed]

Surreal humour in theatre is usually about the insensitivity, paradox, absurdity, and cruelty of the modern world. Absurd and surrealist cinema often deals with elements of dark humour: disturbing or sinister subjects like death, disease, or warfare are treated with amusement and bitterness, creating the appearance of an intention to shock and offend.[2]

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He promised me lettuce crisp with crunch but gave me limp leaves instead. So I turned my tongue away from the steel reach of his fork only to be teased by the viscous glug of a squeeze of salad cream. Oh Salad Cream, how you drench the pink muscle of my mouth in savory fatness until I am - from knee to cheek - bedspread. Your egg yolk sunrise erupts in my mouth and the only sound in the kitchen is my ecstatic scream.

Oh Salad Cream, you are beyond the sauce and better than the dressing. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are unworthy or, worse, unknown, because my tongue and throat sing your praises with every slurp. Only the Brits could blend up an emulsified sun and stuff it deep into a million wanting bottles for all the world to coat their salads, sandwiches and fingers in. You are my lubricant for caressing. He lays me down on a bed of greens and watches as I gulp and swig you, Salad Cream, until I burst with a burp. My world exploded with your silky drip and all I wanted was a threesome with you, me and Aristotle.

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I do not apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

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Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

I’ve found Toby hanging around behind the bins again, and invited him back in to record his Titular Tips. Even he’s in a reflective mood, providing some much-needed tinned meat advice for the tougher times ahead.

And then, finally, I can’t forget to mention the superior production quality to be found in The Actual C*ntent. I put my heart and soul into this, and I hope you appr*ciate the continued v*lue I bring to the format of the non-podcast.

Before you leave: heed this warning.

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We are left with strange questions about our understanding of life:

* Is it still Christmas?

* Can I still wear a Christmas jumper?

* Is it still OK to watch Die Hard?

The answers are:

* No

* No

* No

You may also be asking a fourth question:

* Will The Wednesday Audio be released today?

To which, of course, the answer is:

* No. But you can have these adverts from last week.

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But loll: To move, stand, or recline in an indolent or relaxed manner.

Lolling. Yeah. Have a loll and LOL and listen to this pudcast.

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Don’t say I don’t treat you right.

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As you were.

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What drives this maverick podcaster to continue to create a podcast that nobody listens to? Some say it started as a joke. Some others say, a bet. A few others say, a promise. An obligation.

What does this person say? The person who wrote this says it’s none of those things. The person who wrote this doesn’t exist. A person didn’t write this.

It was that bloody pesky AI again. I’m going to kill that Artificial Intellgience.

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It’s part of an idea of what I’ll be doing for paid subscribers on a regular basis. So pay me now to hear more. I can’t keep these public because I’ll get the copyright trolls on me and I’ll get banned from the world.

In fact, I’m taking a real risk posting this right here. A real risk. I hope you appreciate the risks I’m taking here to deliver you such an episode. I can’t say too much more. You’ll just have to listen to it.

Here’s the Spotify playlist for this episode.

If you want to hear more sets like this: pay me money.

No, seriously. I’ll never do a public one again. You’ll probably want to pay me. I’m going underground.

And if you’re not bothered, and this type of thing is not your cup of tea (I know, it’s controversial this episode), just subscribe to the free tier. I won’t hold it against you. At least, not to your face.

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so yeah ...i decided to say something here...i wanted to be able to promote my blogs...so i decided i would write something...these blogs are for not only myself, but for my family and friends as well...so i wrote this for anybody who is curious about me, my writing style, or just my ramblings...

so here we go..i am sixteen...a freshman in high school...i have been blogging since 2005...i read some of the blogs that are featured on the site and i am inspired to tell my story..my story much like all of the bloggers on this site...i have interviewed other bloggers and by posting my stories on here i am hoping to inspire other youth like me...obama once said, "we are a nation of readers" i agree...so tell your stories...i appreciate it!

so here i am...you know me…

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I hope you don’t enjoy it.

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I just want you to listen. And enjoy yourself.

And if you want to enjoy yourself…I suggest you go listen to a different pudcast.

P.S. This piece I wrote the other day may also interest you

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It’s not an interesting story, admittedly. It’s an average story. It’s the type of story that you’d probably glance at, read the title, consider making yourself a cup of tea, and forget about. It’s a page 9 story. Not worthy enough to be close to the front of the magazine, but important enough not to be lost in the centre between the staples.

This is a story about a podcaster, and his podcast.

It’s the story of how that podcaster dies. But let’s not get excited too soon. Let’s begin—as they like to say—at the beginning. I don’t know why they say that, but they do. He’s here now, this podcaster. He’s beginning his podcast. Let’s listen in.

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Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

One good thing—some may say the only thing—to come out of last week’s Bradiperiment was my desperation to increase my listeners who are willing to pay me for this podcast.

To show you how well I treat my listeners who pay for this podcast, I thought I’d give you a preview of the ad-free version of this podcast.

It’s totally ad-free. And you can experience the podcast this way EVERY WEEK if you just pay. Just pay me, then the adverts go away. I mean, I could stop talking about ads. I could stop running ads at any time. But I’d prefer not to. So, just pay me. Pay me now.

The adverts will continue until the paid subscribers improve.

The Wednesday Audio is desperately seeking more suckers I mean valued listeners to pay for this podcast. You can do so below.

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Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais.Morecambe and Wise.Tommy Cooper and Alcohol.

Well, today I tried to bring about some of that magic. I worked with Alex’s brother on a fact-finding mission. Brad helped me truly understand where I have been going wrong with my podcast for the low flat fee of $1,000 dollars a month (minimum term 6 months).

I truly feel this may be the beginning of something special. A new Craig. A more upbeat Craig. A Craig ready for the stars.

Have a listen. See what you think. Let me know what I’ve missed. Did you enjoy this episode? And what do you want me to tell Brad Conversion?

Hit me up in the comments. And remember hit smash like subscribe!

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You know, that kinda thing.

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See this podcast episode as a warning. As a reminder of what you could have had. As a big flashing siren to the rest of the podcasting world. This is what you are, and this is what this podcast is not.

Apart from today, when it is that. It’s exactly that. And it’s disgusting.

I’ve done this before. And I’m shamelessly doing it again, but better.

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The following episode ensued.

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I can see why people listen to them at two ecks. They’re just boring. Yeah. Especially that one. That podcast, I absolutely can’t stand.

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So. I mixed it up.

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Anyway, we’re wasting time. Just listen to the podcast and then pay me $9 because it’s so good.

P.S. I just worked with Vanya on this absolutely hilarious modern-day take on an old internet meme. Go listen.

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Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

This is a podcast episode. The podcast is called The Wednesday Audio. The episode is titled Podcast Conversations.

Enjoy?

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And to hear the correction, you must listen to the podcast.

And now, The Wednesday Audio. Hello, welcome.

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Actually, why do people always start podcast descriptions with ‘in this week’s episode’? We all know it’ll be in this week’s episode. Nobody looks at a podcast description for this week’s episode and says to themselves:

“Oh. That must be next week’s description”

That’d be madness. Although…it’s given me an idea.

Hello, welcome.

PS. Apologies to everyone who left a messge last week. I completely forgot to talk to you in this week’s episode. In NEXT week’s episode, I will address your opinions as if I care about them.

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Delightfully indescribable.

Or maybe delightfully indescribabble.

That would have been a better joke, if I’d not written this after I’d recorded the episode.

P.S. Thank you to Trilety for the idea for the episode name, and indeed, the entire concept of the episode.

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The Wednesday Audio is a listener-supported podcast. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I don’t know why you’d want to pay for it, honestly I don’t. But all that matters is that you now have the option. I’ve given you a choice, and we all like choices, don’t we?

The Wednesday Audio is now a freemium podcast, supported by dirty listeners just like you. Consider paying.

I mean, it’s only $9 a month. What else can you buy with that? Really, in this day and age, nothing at all. You might as well give me it. I’ll put it to better use, where I’ll collect together multiple $9 and do something larger with it. Like, I don’t know, buy myself another soundboard.

Substack tells me that the more of these I add, the more subscribers I’ll get. Apparently.

P.S. Listen right until the end. It makes my numbers look better.

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You know how it goes. There’s no surprises here.

You’re welcome.

Hello, welcome.

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So I thought, well, what can I do in a pinch? What do I have to hand that I can turn into some writing pretty quickly? What tools do I have? I realised I didn’t have any tools, no writing tools at least. But I did have 3 soundboards, some recording equipment, a mic, a voice, and no shame.

Introducing: my Nostalgia piece.

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Anyway, it’s 2 ecks. This is what you all wanted. This is what podcast listeners want apparently. Blame them.

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Listen to it whilst you still can.

No, this is not an eng*gement t*ctic.

Get full access to The Wednesday Audio at yeahwednesdays.substack.com/subscribe

I first came across Craig in the Summer of 2001. He said to me, “Hello. Welcome”. At the time I thought his turn of phrase to be strange, along with much else about him. He seemed to always walk around with music playing, but not in an annoying way. He wasn’t playing ‘rap’, or whatever the kids call it these days. He seemed to be attempting to soundtrack his movements and make ‘features’ (his words) out of his every day life. As I said, I found much about him to be strange.

He seemed to carry a soundboard around with him attached to his back. When he heard a funny conversation or turn of phrase, he’d ask the person to repeat it, then he’d record it straight into his soundboard. At a later date he would play the soundbite back to the person, whilst staring deep into their eyes. They always looked bemused, often offended. But Craig seemed to know something they didn’t.

I witnessed many such strange activities. I caught him—and admonished him—many times playing an extremely loud censor beep into people’s faces. When somebody would say ‘value’, he would hit his censor beep and stare deeply into their eyes. Never a smile, never an indication of a purpose. Craig, again, seemed to know something they didn’t.

When he began to play music, he became obsessed with playing heavy metal music out loud. He never listened to a full song, and seemed never to settle on one. When he’d finished playing the music, he mumbled something about ‘naval gazing’ and wandered off. I witnessed him listening to hundreds of different pieces of heavy metal music, as if he was looking for the perfect piece, never to be found.

As he moved through the years at the Polytechnic, he appeared to have developed an invisible friend called ‘Off Mike’. When I asked him who he was talking to, he would tell me he was talking Off Mike. At first, I never quite understood whether he was assuming the role of Off Mike, or he was talking to Off Mike.

Many years later after he’d left the Polytechnic, I got an email. It was from a Craig Burgess, somebody who I’d remembered as the slightly odd student. In the email was a link to The Wednesday Audio, a podcast he’d claimed to have been recording for a year.

It was at this moment I spotted his genius. All his oddities, all his foibles, all came together to make sense. He had been preparing for the biggest role of his life. That role was a little-known, little-downloaded podcast called The Wednesday Audio.

This book has been written with the approval and help of Craig, but not by him. Only a critic of the arts such as myself could dissect the myriad messages Craig has left us in the year of episodes 1-55 of The Wednesday Audio.

I trust you will enjoy my analysis as much as you will enjoy reading the transcripts of the episodes. I truly believe Craig is set for stardom, destined to be as big—if not bigger—than Ken Dodd.

Tim Angler, Head of Comedic Studies, Barnsley PolytechnicJune 2022

You can hear moments in the audio where you can hear me laughing, but I’ve had to edit out the amount of laughter I did so you didn’t think I’ve gone completely crazy.

Of course, now I’ve told you that this episode was so funny that I laughed as I recorded it, you won’t find it funny at all.

Well, today, for the only fan left of The Wednesday Audio, I did it. I finally did it. Episode 50st now a distant memory, I did it.

I did it. I recorded the evidence. And now the evidence is ready for you to listen to, to prove I did it.

I did it.

This is only the second time in one year where this has happened, and I insincerely apologise for any inconvience caused.

Normal service will resume next week, but in the meantime I have attempted to make amends and plan our future listening experiences by providing you a peace offering.

I have (rather) un-creatively decided to call it The Thursday Audio.

It is identical in all forms to The Wednesday Audio, but released around 24 hours later.

Enjoy?

DO I JUST HAVE TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS?

POSE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS?

POSE REAL QUESTIONS?

DO I?

DOES THIS WORK?

IS THIS THE FIFTY SECONDST EPISODE OF THE WEDNESDAY AUDIO?

WILL YOU LISTEN?

DID YOU LISTEN?

DID YOU ENJOY IT?

IS THIS ANNOYING YOU AS MUCH AS IT’S ANNOYING ME?

HOW ARE YOU TO KNOW?

WILL THIS END?

CAN THIS END?

COULD IT END?

WILL IT GO ON FOREVER?

CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU’RE STILL READING?

THIS IS MODERN DAY ENGAGEMENT TACTICS ISN’T IT?

PATHETIC, ISN’T IT?

At some point, I think it was around 15 episodes, I started further referencing the fact that the podcast wasn’t about Wednesdays all that much any longer and had actually become satire. Around #40 I officially announced my new categorisation and fully leaned into this.

Then sometime from 40-50 there was this long gap of nothingness where I just mumbled through the episodes but for some reason people kept listening. I even began to write these intros to the podcast as quite self-referential pieces that spoke about the podcast and how the podcast wasn’t really about the podcast, at least not the original stated aim of Wednesdays.

Now, at episode 51, the podcast is a former shell of itself. Complete nonsense. No sense to be found anywhere. No points. Less points than a basketball game with no basketball.

But that’s OK.

It’s all OK.

You won’t read this anyway.

You barely listen to the podcast.

This is not a joke.

I will make amends tomorrow in The Thursday Audio.

“Am I in a podcast intro?”

At the time he wasn’t, but I thought I’d go along with it anyway. It felt right to go along with it.

“Yeah. You are actually.”

“Oh. I’ve never been in one of those before. Last week I was in a podcast, but I’ve never been in an intro.”

I nodded to him.

“So what’s this podcast called?”

“Well, it’s more of an audio really.”

“Well what’s this audio called then?”

“The Wednesday Audio.”

“Oh. That’s the podcast I was in.”

“Yeah I know. I recorded it. And entirely made you up last week. All this bit is doing now is to serve as a spoiler for this week’s episode.”

“Oh.”

And he walked off. Never to be seen again.

Every Wednesday I scurry away to my recording room and record a new masterpiece. Every Wednesday I name that masterpiece The Wednesday Audio and present it to my adoring fan.

She didn’t believe me.

She asked me what it was about. I said the podcast wasn’t really about anything at all, it’s just me answering people’s messages and some silly features about James Clear and banning words.

She didn’t believe me.

I said to her, well, come and listen to an episode if you don’t believe me. Come and see how this works. She said she didn’t want to. I said, well, you can sit in the background if you want as a live audience member and enjoy a live recording of The Wednesday Audio.

She didn’t sit in the background.

She didn’t sit in the background at all.

46 Wednesdays wasted.

46 Wednesdays of me saying YES.

46 Wednesdays of slagging off James Clear.

46 Wednesdays of banned words.

46 Wednesdays of satire.

45.5 Wednesdays of average satire.

46 times you said you wouldn’t keep listening because it’s weird, but 46 times you keep coming back because you can’t stay away.

Yes.

I wouldn’t change it for a second.

But what would it have been like if I hadn’t slowly descended into madness?

How would this podcast sound if it was Pure Uncut Content, scripted, smiley, happy and very much endlessly positive?

Well, probably something like this.

This is probably the maddest episode I’ve ever made.

Confidence to pretend that you know what’s going to happen next. Confidence to pretend you know what you’re going to write next. Confidence in the fact that you don’t even know how the sentence will end, but you have the bolshy confidence to hope that people know what bolshy means, and even if they don’t you’ll use it anyway.

That kind of confidence.

In episode 44, I reach Peak Confidence. Confidence enough to both talk about the podcast process whilst creating the podcast and pretending to know what’s going to happen next. After all, this is satire isn’t it? And satire means you don’t know if I’m being serious or not.

I might have winged that entire last epsiode that you now have the unfortunate task of listening to. I might have. But I also might have carefully planned it.

I might have.

The positivity will continue until the podcast is done.

I mean, look at ya.

Sat there, reading this, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for some ins*ght. Waiting for the c*ntent to enlighten you. To warm your soul. To make you feel better.

Well, we don’t sell that sort of content around here my friend. That sort of content is peddled by the other lot, and that’s not what this is.

This is The Wednesday Audio pal. This is something entirely different. It’s a different flavour. It’s multi-layered satire. It’s multi-layered like vegan cheese wrapped in cheddar cheese wrapped in beef. It’s multi-layered.

We don’t sell your kind of content around here.

You’ll get what you’re given, and you’ll like it.

Just to be clear.

Clarity is important.

Then something happened. I got sick of reading threads on Twitter.

I started ranting a bit. Started throwing more music in. Started throwing random sound effects in. Started making up “bits” and “sections” and “features”.

Before I knew it I’d become satire. People told me they liked the madness car crash of the podcast. Some friends texted me asking me if I was having a mental breakdown. Some friends texted me asking me if I had become a drug addict of the drugs.

I shrugged it off and decided to continue. Stoically, I fight the good fight. I turn up each week and fight for Wednesdays to be recognised globally.

The fight continues. This is just the beginning.

p.s. I refer to the year as 2021 at least once in this episode. That wasn’t intentional. That was actually a mistake. But it’s satire int it so maybe you’ll fashion a narrative as to why I really did that.

Apparently, this is called content repurposing, and it allows you to create just one thing that you can keep spinning out into other things.

Well, since I have lots of episodes now I decided to see if I could make an episode based off lots of other things from previous episodes. It was hard work actually. Bloody hard work.

It’s easier to make new things, honestly.

I couldn’t have given more v*lue. I’m sucked dry now.

I’m sucked dry.

In this week’s episode:

* SHOW NEWS

* LISTENER MISSIVES

* BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

* I WOULDN’T SAY

* F IS FOR FAKE BILL BURR

* NAVAL GAZING

* JEAR CLAIMS

* TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

* THE ACTUAL CONTENT

Regards,

Craig

Let me know.

Email me.

Tweet me.

What have I missed?

Well.

I’m not.

I already failed my resolution. So let’s lean into my mistakes, shall we?

We’ve been thinking about ‘em for a few weeks. Dreaming about ‘em. Planning for ‘em. Imagining what it might feel like to achieve ‘em. How beautiful it’d be to finally climb that mountain. Finally feel accomplished.

Finally achieve something.

That’d be nice wouldn’t it?

I suppose it would. I wouldn’t know. I just failed my 2022 resolution with this podcast.

Enjoy.

IN THIS WEEK’S AUDIO

* SHOW NEWS

* LISTENER MISSIVES

* BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

* I WOULDN’T SAY

* NAVAL GAZING

* JEAR CLAIMS

* TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

* THE ACTUAL CONTENT

To celebrate its death I put together a super-duper-bumper-dumper episode this week. A real hum-dinger of a send-off for a year most of us will probably want to forget.

I’ve even invented new features for you this week, because I’m a generous god.

This week:

* SHOW NEWS

* LISTENER MISSIVES

* BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

* “I WOULDN’T SAY”

* F IS FOR FAKE BILL BURR

* NAVAL GAZING

* JEAR CLAIMS

* TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

* THE ACTUAL CONTENT

Enjoy?

Have a good New Year?

Are the questions marks accidental or genuine?

Who knows?

They still make sense either way?

Don’t they?

Thank you?

Good bye?

Enjoy.

But more importantly: don’t listen to this and go enjoy your Christmas.

If you’re curious, the full draft laws are below. If you want to enjoy them in the epiosde, ignore them.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

Maybe you want to spoil it for yourself.

* Never outshine the Christmas master

* Never put too much trust in Christmas friends but learn how to use Christmas enemies

* Conceal your true Christmas intentions (by wrapping them up)

* Always say less than necessary (there isn’t much room on the card and it already says merry christmas)

* So much depends on your reputation, so give a good Christmas present

* Court attention at all costs with the biggest Christmas present

* Get others to wrap your presents for you, buy your presents for you and suggest present ideas for you, but then take all the credit

* Make other people come to you to pick up their Christmas presents

* Always win Christmas boardgames but never argue

* Avoid the unhappy people at Christmas and don’t ever try to cheer them up. They are a virus

* Learn to keep everyone dependant on your excellent Christmas gifts (DRUGS)

* Be selectively honest but always use your Christmas generosity to disarm them of this fact

* When asking for help at Christmas always appeal to somebody’s self interest

* Pose as a Christmas friend but work as a spy

* Crush your enemy’s Christmas presents totally

* Use absence of Christmas presents to increase strength and honour

* Keep others in suspended terror of your Christmas presents and cultivate an air of unpredictability

* Isolation is dangerous so never build a Christmas fortress

* Know who you’re dealing with so don’t offend the wrong person by telling them their Christmas present is s**t (but if they’re the right person, offend them and see Law 17)

* Do not commit to anyone and command respect of your Christmas presents

* Play a sucker and always seem dumber than your Christmas presents

* Transform weakness into power (I don’t f*****g know)

* Concentrate your forces (again, I don’t know)

* Play the perfect courtier and be good at Christmas charades (not too good though, see Law 21)

* Re-create yourself and master your own Christmas image

* Always wash your hands a lot at Christmas (keep your hands clean)

* Build a cult-like following in your Christmas presents

* Enter action with boldness at christmas and always use a thick pen - BOING

* Plan all the way to the end of Christmas Day, don’t get caught short

* Make your accomplishments seem easy by saying “It was easy” a lot and shrugging

* Control the options and get others to play the cards you deal them in all Christmas boardgames — “alter the playing field”

* Play to people’s fantasies, but be careful who you try that on and under which mistletoe

* Buy each man in the family a thumbscrew and make sure you discover it at some point during Christmas Day, as it is your job to discover each man’s thumbscrew

* Be royal in your own fashion. Wear some bling n s**t

* Master the art of timing — LONG BREAK

* Disdain everyone else’s presents you cannot have, call them s**t. Ignoring them is the best revenge

* Create compelling Christmas spectacles, especially big ones with glass in them that you can put on your face

* Think as you like but behave like everyone else

* Stir up waters to catch fish — NOT A CLUE

* DESPISE THE FREE LUNCH

* AVOID STEPPING INTO A GREAT MAN’S SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD BIG FEET

* STRIKE THE SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP WILL TRAMPLE YOU

* WORK ON THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE A HEART SURGEON OR A]]>As a Christmas treat I’ve discovered a draft version of a book that Robert Greene never released: The 48 Laws of Christmas Power.

Enjoy.

But more importantly: don’t listen to this and go enjoy your Christmas.

If you’re curious, the full draft laws are below. If you want to enjoy them in the epiosde, ignore them.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

Maybe you want to spoil it for yourself.

* Never outshine the Christmas master

* Never put too much trust in Christmas friends but learn how to use Christmas enemies

* Conceal your true Christmas intentions (by wrapping them up)

* Always say less than necessary (there isn’t much room on the card and it already says merry christmas)

* So much depends on your reputation, so give a good Christmas present

* Court attention at all costs with the biggest Christmas present

* Get others to wrap your presents for you, buy your presents for you and suggest present ideas for you, but then take all the credit

* Make other people come to you to pick up their Christmas presents

* Always win Christmas boardgames but never argue

* Avoid the unhappy people at Christmas and don’t ever try to cheer them up. They are a virus

* Learn to keep everyone dependant on your excellent Christmas gifts (DRUGS)

* Be selectively honest but always use your Christmas generosity to disarm them of this fact

* When asking for help at Christmas always appeal to somebody’s self interest

* Pose as a Christmas friend but work as a spy

* Crush your enemy’s Christmas presents totally

* Use absence of Christmas presents to increase strength and honour

* Keep others in suspended terror of your Christmas presents and cultivate an air of unpredictability

* Isolation is dangerous so never build a Christmas fortress

* Know who you’re dealing with so don’t offend the wrong person by telling them their Christmas present is s**t (but if they’re the right person, offend them and see Law 17)

* Do not commit to anyone and command respect of your Christmas presents

* Play a sucker and always seem dumber than your Christmas presents

* Transform weakness into power (I don’t f*****g know)

* Concentrate your forces (again, I don’t know)

* Play the perfect courtier and be good at Christmas charades (not too good though, see Law 21)

* Re-create yourself and master your own Christmas image

* Always wash your hands a lot at Christmas (keep your hands clean)

* Build a cult-like following in your Christmas presents

* Enter action with boldness at christmas and always use a thick pen - BOING

* Plan all the way to the end of Christmas Day, don’t get caught short

* Make your accomplishments seem easy by saying “It was easy” a lot and shrugging

* Control the options and get others to play the cards you deal them in all Christmas boardgames — “alter the playing field”

* Play to people’s fantasies, but be careful who you try that on and under which mistletoe

* Buy each man in the family a thumbscrew and make sure you discover it at some point during Christmas Day, as it is your job to discover each man’s thumbscrew

* Be royal in your own fashion. Wear some bling n s**t

* Master the art of timing — LONG BREAK

* Disdain everyone else’s presents you cannot have, call them s**t. Ignoring them is the best revenge

* Create compelling Christmas spectacles, especially big ones with glass in them that you can put on your face

* Think as you like but behave like everyone else

* Stir up waters to catch fish — NOT A CLUE

* DESPISE THE FREE LUNCH

* AVOID STEPPING INTO A GREAT MAN’S SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD BIG FEET

* STRIKE THE SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP WILL TRAMPLE YOU

* WORK ON THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE A HEART SURGEON OR A BRAIN SURGEON (UNLIKELY)

* DISARM AND INFURIATE WITH THE MIRROR EFFECT — EFFECT MIRROR THE WITH INFURIATE AND DISARM

* PREACH THE NEED TO CHANGE BUT NEVER REFORM TOO MUCH AT ONCE

* NEVER APPEAR TOO PREFECT

* DO NOT GO PAST THE MARK YOU AIMED FOR ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE THROWING A DART OR OTHER HEAVY BLUNT INSTRUMENTS

* ASSUME FORMLESSNESS

This was a second James who was Clear of the first James. Just to Clear that up.

“James,” Clear said with James in mind but Clear intentions, “James, Clear something up for me.”

James obviously wanted to Clear up the confusion. No James likes being less than Clear of a situation.

“James, what is a habit? The idea is not Clear to me.”

“Oh my dear James. You must Clear this up for yourself.”

“James, what do you mean? Surely I can’t Clear up such an idea as large as habits all by myself.”

“Yes James, you can. To Clear this up, you can make your habits smaller.”

“I see. Almost like an Atomic thing?”

“Indeed James. Exactly like a nice Clear and small habit.”

James, now Clear of the situation, rode off into the sunset on his skateboard.

Another life saved.

Yeah there’s a podcast in here somewhere too. I hope you enjoy it. I can’t force you to, but it’d be pleasant for all parties involved if you did.

You decide to take a stand.

Sure, they send you messages and make you feel good. They give you good advice. Sometimes they even write you a useful thread. You even bookmarked that last one. You’ll read it one day. But you’ve had enough.

You decide to take a stand.

You take one last look at it. Millions of opinions fed into your eyeballs at breakneck speed every second of every day. You were plugged into the matrix, mainlining platitudes. You were at the source. You had notifications turned on. You knew the second J*mes Cl*ar posted a brand new recycled ins*ght. But’s it’s over now.

You decide to take a stand.

You’re not ready to delete it yet. You’ll try that next time. Instead, you just logout of Twitter.

You decide to take a stand.

You decide to take a break for 25 minutes.

You load up your podcast app and hit play on the thirtiest episode of The Wednesday Audio.

In this episode:

* I introduce new sound effects

* I introduce beer

* I introduce Jear Claims

* I introduce Listener Missives

* I introduce a feature

* I get interrupted by somebody

* I finish the podcast

Welcome.

That’s all it is. This is just c*ntent. It’s a means to an end as Thomas J Bevan would say. It’s here to get you to perform an action, not to actually enjoy your time here. It’s just filler. The wallpaper in the house. The pretty bow on the present. Maybe even the wrapping paper.

When are we going to try and make it not that anymore?

When do we start making art again?

When do we make the stand? I dunno.

Well, I’ll tell you when we don’t make the stand. The Wednesday Audio.

This is not that stand.

Welcome.

Yes.

Welcome.

In this week’s episode:

* I try a more professional opening after watching some YouTube videos

* I actually have sympathy listener missives and try to be thankful

* I have the most ins*ghtful thing James Clear has ever said and I try to be impressed

Enjoy?

P.S. Your feedback is always appreciated. It is highly likely it will be featured in the next episode. I insincerely apologise.

Hello?

Are you still there?

I think Carlos might have messed up my audience.

First I asked Carlos to help me increase listeners. He told me to ask for reviews. Then I asked him for more tips, and he told me to be happier so I started telling jokes. THEN I asked him to help me develop an engaged audience and I think he’s messed everything right up.

Is this still working? Let’s show Carlos who’s the real boss around here.

Pop me a message. Let me know.

It is Wednesday. That means I reach my hand outside of the prison bars I have put around myself to deliver you another piece of v*lue packed full of c*ntent ready for your perusal.

This week:

* I discover I say ‘hello’ weird

* I discover this podcast is weird

* I discover you’re weird for listening

* I discover that our podcast rankings are dropping

* I discover that by saying ‘our’, you are partially responsible

* We solve The Switzerland Debacle

* We find another Jear Claims

* We enter into The Actual C*ntent

* We survive another Wednesday

* You go to bed

* I go to bed

* We part ways for another 7 days

Enjoy?

Bye bye

P.P.S. The episodes are slowly getting longer. I will never apologise for this.

P.P.S.S. I missed out half of the listener missives this week. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better.

PPPSS. The Jear Claims bit is good this week. You’ll enjoy it.

PPPSSS. The internal monologue I have with myself is quite funny time. You’ll love a bit of that.

PPPPSSS(?). Go listen to The Wednesday Audio.

Bye bye.

Then I come home and I have people moaning at me that I haven’t done the Wednesday Audio. Messaging me on Discord. “Where is The Wednesday Audio?” the masses asked.

It’s here, I bellowed.

It’s here.

You have been rewarded for your loyalty.

Now leave me alone for another week.

This week:

* I decide to talk about c*ntent

* I speak to you

* I pretend to value your input

* Graeme says my name wrong

* I throw some words in the Banned Words Bin

* I read out some tweets I love (?)

* I talk about Wednesdays

* I get bored of writing these bullet points

* I forget where I am in the episode

* I realise I still need to eat some food

* I realise that nobody even reads these bullet points

* I realise that nobody even listens to the podcast

* I realise for some reason I decide to carry on

* I realise I am realising I’m realising I’m writing a list

* I stop

Until next week, enjoy your Wednesday.

Bye bye.

In this week’s episode:

* V*alue

* Lots of c*ntent

* I tell Mike how he can listen to more of my podcasts

* I read out reviews

* I read out your comments

* I read out Carlos’ reply

* I give you an update on podcast positions

* I talk about the Value Trap

Thank you.

Bye bye.

P.S. Amazingly,

my podcast is now available to listen elsewhere. See Pod Link to signup with your favourite app.

In this week’s episode:

* Carlos tells me I must ask for more reviews

* I ask for more reviews

* I keep asking for reviews

* Have you thought about reviewing?

* I say some stuff about content voice

Enjoy.

Bye bye.

Anyway.

In this week’s episode:

* I have recorded on a Wednesday this time

* I go through your comments

* Graeme asks me to keep something out of the banned words bin

* I talk about something not serious

* I look in James Clear’s dusty cupboards

* I talk about something semi-serious

Enjoy.

Bye bye.

Anyway.

In this week’s episode:

* I hit the gong

* I record on a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday

* I talk about Clames Jear

* I read out your silly comments

* I read out my silly comments

* I accidentally rant about Clames Jear again

* It goes on too long

* It’s actually all about staying on a bus

Bye bye.

It’s a return to normal programming this week without Thomas.

In this week’s episode:

* Mike starts Mike Wars

* We await Mike’s response

* John 1 gives feedback

* John 2 tells a story

* Tim hits a bird

* We find out what James Clear’s top tip about creativity is

* V*alue

* C*nsistency

* I talk about a*dience-b*ilding the right way

As always, send me in your nonsense. I love reading it. I love taking the piss out of it. I love you really.

Bye bye.

As Thomas and I intellectually battled with the idea of James Clear in our last episode, in this episode we got into the meat of all the hot topics of the day.

In this episode:

* We discuss NFTs

* We discuss Smart Contracts

* We discuss Dumb Contracts

* We discuss Smart Dumbs

* We discuss Dumb Smarts

* We discuss content vs art

* We discuss art vs content

* I discuss my sanity with myself as I type this list realising I’m sick of typing lists.

Enjoy. Or not. It’s your choice.

Bye bye.

I have to record another one of these things like a performing monkey. I have to sit down with mic (not Mike, we found him) and pretend to be sad and pretend to be funny and pretend to like talking to you and pretend Wednesdays are fun and pretend I’m not just doing all this to ‘build an audience’.

Happy Wednesday.

I just recorded 1.5 hours of things with Thomas J Bevan.

This is part 1 of 2 that you will get to listen to today.

In this week’s episode:

* Listener missives as always

* Graeme asks me what I think of Tabasco sauce and I respond

* I’m surprised by Brian’s nice comment

* We find Mike and discover another one

* I accidentally annoy James Clear even more than last week

Enjoy mine and Thomas’ analysis of James Clear’s website.

Bye bye.

Happy Wednesday.

It’s actually a sad Wednesday for me today because I think we’ve lost Mike. He used to leave me comments each week and we had a bit of a laugh and he said it was the only podcast he listened to.

Somewhere along the way I’ve probably annoyed him and he’s gone. Sorry Mike, for whatever I did. I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to be funny, probably.

I may also need to apologise to James Clear for this episode too.

Sorry James. In the extremely unlikely event that you happen to listen to this podcast episode, I kind of say some things about you. Be assured though that they’re not really about you, they’re about what you stand for.

Surely that’s better, right? It’s not about you as a person, just your entire life’s work.

In this week’s episode:

* We lose Mike and I search for him

* I refuse to offer Graeme a prize

* I offer Thomas a prize

* I try not to upset James Clear whilst saying upsetting things about him

Have an excellent Not James Clear Wednesday.

Bye bye.

It’s pretty impressive when you consider that nearly every episode consists of absolute nonsense that I make up off the top of my head with no planning whatsoever and no editing after the fact.

I don’t know who it’d impress. Probably not you. But it’s got to be impressive to somebody hasn’t it?

In this week’s episode:

* I discuss the tonal differences between my bell noises

* I add more words to the B*nned Words Bin

* I thank John (again) for another missive

* I talk about being different

* I make a couple of gags

Enjoy? Is that the correct turn of phrase for me to say when you’re about to listen to this?

Bye bye.

In this episode I tell you some news, receive some missives and talk about how I wing a lot of things.

But I definitely don’t wing this podcast. Not at all. I’m a professional.

Enjoy?

It’s about making.

And how we should all be making some stuff.

Even though I’m battling severe illness, I recorded something just for you.

More Listner Missives, more B*nned Words, more ‘value’.

I was seriously starved of content this week but I think I managed to hide that fact quite well.

What more do you want?

I take my craft seriously and I am attempting to stick to the topic.

There’s a special guest towards the end, but he gets a bit shy.

The transcript

Hello, my name is Craig and I promise pinky promise not to begin this episode with a sigh.

I can't do it. I feel like the Wednesday audio it's become a thing. Now I need to say, and then do the bell dong thing and we'll get into the episode.

Hello, and welcome to the episode. Another thrilling episode of the Wednesday audio, it is quite possibly the only podcast in the world. That's about Wednesdays that he's released on a Wednesday. There may be other podcasts that occasionally talk about Wednesdays, but none of them. Stick. So rigidly to the topic like I do, although I have to admit slightly last week, we weren't really about Wednesdays for a lot of it, but, you know, I, I take my craft seriously.

Right. And I try to keep these on topic as much as possible to Wednesdays. So welcome to another Wednesday. This is a Wednesday. If you know what it feels like. It was only seven days ago that I did another one of these episodes.

Use that as a, you know, a little bit of a, to let you know when I've made a joke as well. So what to talk about? Well, I guess we should begin with a listener missives of which I have one this week. So thanks John. For the massive John said the Wednesday audio has become one of the things I look forward to most on Wednesdays.

Very. All right. They were his exact words. Very. All right.

Thanks John money. I mean, I'm glad that this is now one of the things that you look forward to most on a Wednesday, and it's very, all right. That's, that's better than vast, better than Bart, I suppose, which is amazing because this is the only way. Episode seven, but yeah. Thanks. Thanks for your missive. As always, if you've got any missives, please send them in.

I desperately need content as always. Wednesdays is not an expansive topic. It's just an excuse for me to sit at the mic, rarely and pretend to talk about Wednesdays and see if I can eat out for about 10 minutes each episode. But I have, I've got things. I've got things to talk about this week. So, uh, I suppose we, we we've been able to do this.

So why are restaurants quiet on Wednesdays? Yeah, that's the level we go into this week and I went to a restaurant last week on a Wednesday. And it was quiet and I thought, you know what? Restaurants are always quiet on a Wednesday. That's it? That's the end of the episode. Restaurants are quiet on a Wednesday.

No, um, we'll, we'll carry, we'll carry on. We'll find something else to talk about, but it did. It did make me curious. You know, Wednesday's restaurants are always quiet on a Wednesday as why do people not go to restaurants? On a Wednesday. I mean, there isn't any joke, but you know, we'll check it. We'll check a ding in the, the, the most serious point I want to make.

And we will come around to Wednesdays. Again, the Wednesday audio has accidentally given me a Wednesday. So this episode is strictly going to be about Wednesday because this episode now has given me a Wednesday. I'm one of those people. You know, I enjoy everything that I do. And I was talking about this on the cult that Thomas J Bevin rums, actually the other day, about how all my days merge into one, there isn't a set line in them.

Really. I, I do work. My job is creative. I'm a designer. Of many of the things during my day job, I'm a designer and that blurs into my hobbies. And then I also kind of do podcasting sometimes for a job. And I also do it for fun, whatever, you know, I guess this is fun. And I also do it for fun. So the, the line between my work and my hobbies and everything else in my life is very blurred.

So I don't really notice when Mondays roll around or when Tuesdays rolled around are indeed. And what is pertinent to...]]>Amazingly, this is the first episode I’ve titled ‘Wednesdays’.

I take my craft seriously and I am attempting to stick to the topic.

There’s a special guest towards the end, but he gets a bit shy.

The transcript

Hello, my name is Craig and I promise pinky promise not to begin this episode with a sigh.

I can't do it. I feel like the Wednesday audio it's become a thing. Now I need to say, and then do the bell dong thing and we'll get into the episode.

Hello, and welcome to the episode. Another thrilling episode of the Wednesday audio, it is quite possibly the only podcast in the world. That's about Wednesdays that he's released on a Wednesday. There may be other podcasts that occasionally talk about Wednesdays, but none of them. Stick. So rigidly to the topic like I do, although I have to admit slightly last week, we weren't really about Wednesdays for a lot of it, but, you know, I, I take my craft seriously.

Right. And I try to keep these on topic as much as possible to Wednesdays. So welcome to another Wednesday. This is a Wednesday. If you know what it feels like. It was only seven days ago that I did another one of these episodes.

Use that as a, you know, a little bit of a, to let you know when I've made a joke as well. So what to talk about? Well, I guess we should begin with a listener missives of which I have one this week. So thanks John. For the massive John said the Wednesday audio has become one of the things I look forward to most on Wednesdays.

Very. All right. They were his exact words. Very. All right.

Thanks John money. I mean, I'm glad that this is now one of the things that you look forward to most on a Wednesday, and it's very, all right. That's, that's better than vast, better than Bart, I suppose, which is amazing because this is the only way. Episode seven, but yeah. Thanks. Thanks for your missive. As always, if you've got any missives, please send them in.

I desperately need content as always. Wednesdays is not an expansive topic. It's just an excuse for me to sit at the mic, rarely and pretend to talk about Wednesdays and see if I can eat out for about 10 minutes each episode. But I have, I've got things. I've got things to talk about this week. So, uh, I suppose we, we we've been able to do this.

So why are restaurants quiet on Wednesdays? Yeah, that's the level we go into this week and I went to a restaurant last week on a Wednesday. And it was quiet and I thought, you know what? Restaurants are always quiet on a Wednesday. That's it? That's the end of the episode. Restaurants are quiet on a Wednesday.

No, um, we'll, we'll carry, we'll carry on. We'll find something else to talk about, but it did. It did make me curious. You know, Wednesday's restaurants are always quiet on a Wednesday as why do people not go to restaurants? On a Wednesday. I mean, there isn't any joke, but you know, we'll check it. We'll check a ding in the, the, the most serious point I want to make.

And we will come around to Wednesdays. Again, the Wednesday audio has accidentally given me a Wednesday. So this episode is strictly going to be about Wednesday because this episode now has given me a Wednesday. I'm one of those people. You know, I enjoy everything that I do. And I was talking about this on the cult that Thomas J Bevin rums, actually the other day, about how all my days merge into one, there isn't a set line in them.

Really. I, I do work. My job is creative. I'm a designer. Of many of the things during my day job, I'm a designer and that blurs into my hobbies. And then I also kind of do podcasting sometimes for a job. And I also do it for fun, whatever, you know, I guess this is fun. And I also do it for fun. So the, the line between my work and my hobbies and everything else in my life is very blurred.

So I don't really notice when Mondays roll around or when Tuesdays rolled around are indeed. And what is pertinent to the topic of this podcast when Wednesday rolls around. But now I do a thing on a Wednesday and it's called the Wednesday off. So for the first time in my life probably fall, well, not the thirst first time in my life, but probably for the longest time, I can remember since bloody hell, at least 15 years, I've got a Wednesday thing.

Again, feels, feels, I don't know. Strange, weird. I actually look forward to Wednesdays. Like John Wednesdays is become very all right. And now I've got a thing in my week. I've got lots of things in my week. I record another podcast on Tuesdays and Tuesdays is a thing, but now Wednesdays is the thing. And now when I go to a, a restaurant on a Wednesday and it's dead and I get served very quickly.

And when I come home, I think, oh, you know what? I've got to, I've got a podcast to record. I've got, I've got a mic that I've got to go.

I've got to make, I've got to go do that into, I've got to make, I've got to go sign into for a bit. Um, it's it's quite, I dunno. It's, it's very all right. It's quite nice to have that thing on a Wednesday because usually my dad's blood together. They don't blood together anymore. I've got a thing in the middle of the week, and I know when I've spoken about Wednesdays before in the past on this.

I mean, the whole reason for the music in the background is that everybody hates Wednesdays and Wednesdays. Isn't a thing to look forward to. It isn't an event it's just the shitty middle of the week that you don't look forward to. You want it to go by as, as quickly as possible, but I never saw Wednesday like that.

I just saw Wednesday as a thing to blur past, which I mentioned before. And now it's an event. And I've made it an event. Maybe I've made it an event for you as well. A very all right event, at least a very all right event. And I'm happy with that. You know, I'm, I'm happy with that. I'm a pizza, a very all right event for at least one person.

I listen. Well, cat's trying to jump into this episode. Well,

Obviously he's got, he's got stage fright or something. Microphone fry. Come on, man. Anyway, that was it. Yeah. I suppose that's Wednesday. Welcome to another Wednesday. This was episode seven. This was me. It was the Wednesday audio. And this episode was called Wednesdays. I'll very matter. And until next time, some point in the future in about seven days.

I'll see you soon. Let's have one, a little bit of a chat. Yeah. See ya soon. .

The audience doesn’t exist.

The transcript

You know what? I start more of these podcasts with me sighing than I do with me being in a happy mood or anything. Happy Wednesday. That was me trying to be enthusiastic is Wednesday again, it's another Wednesday audio.

This is episode six of the only podcast in the world about Wednesdays. And today I want to actually talk not really about Wednesdays, but one of the reasons why I made the Wednesday audio, the Wednesday audio was made because I had this idea in my head and simply put, the idea is destroy your audience.

That's what I want to talk about today. Destroying your audience. What I actually mean by it, because there's been a lot of confusion with this. I keep tweeting it on Twitter. Not really explaining what I mean. This is what I mean by destroying your audience. Here we go.

I made the Wednesday audio because I wanted to continue destroying my audience. First of all, to say on this point, I hate the term audience. I don't even think of myself as having an audience, but there is 150 people at them in here. I've only just started this newsletter. There's 150 people already on this newsletter that I could con consider an audience by the way, why can't I say I consider.

So I don't even consider it as an audience. I consider it as people that have chosen to just listen to things that I've got to say, cool, that's fantastic. And on Twitter, I see it in the same way on Twitter. I've got where more than 150 people paying attention, but I don't consider them as an audience.

The second I think of them as being an audience of being some kinds. Collective that I'm standing in front of. I think that's the second that you lose. So really this idea of destroying your audience. First of all, is this simple is destroying the concept of having an audience. I don't make any of this foreign audience.

I'm not making this for you. I'm making this for me. I create things for me. The Wednesday audio was an attempt to make a podcast about Wednesdays and seeing how far I could string out this random, stupid idea. And also, secondly, because Thomas J Bevin said, it'd be a cool idea. I kind of agreed. And I thought, yeah, what have I got to lose?

Let's make a podcast about Wednesday. So I don't create for the people I don't create for an audience is really catharsis. Or sometimes it's thinking out loud. Sometimes it's purely for the art of creation to enjoy creating something, to be away from the day job, to be away from other things. And to just sit.

And enjoy the pure process of creation if other people enjoy that too well, that's awesome. But that, isn't the goal. The fact that somebody else enjoys it is obviously nice. It's a little bit of an ego boost when somebody else follows you, it means you had to grow a little bit, but it's nowhere near the primary reason, not even the secondary reason, the third, the fourth, whatever the audience doesn't exist.

There's the big, big, big idea of being audience driven. And if you was to see me saying that, I put it in quotation marks. If I was audience driven, well, this thing that I'm recording now wouldn't even exist. There's such a tiny audience for the things that we're talking about now, Wednesdays, but it just, it wouldn't even exist.

There'd be no point in it. No audience is asking for a podcast about Wednesday. And even my men podcast, the men podcast, I record every week, get doing things usually over an hour long and I don't split it down. It's not split into nice little nature songs. If I was audience driven, if I was making the content foreign audience to please an audience, well, I've been making neat little chunks of three to five minutes and uploading them to YouTube.

And I'd probably have a secondary podcast that was just the shot clips. I'm not making things easy for people to consume...]]>The episode where I try to convince you to destroy your audience.

The audience doesn’t exist.

The transcript

You know what? I start more of these podcasts with me sighing than I do with me being in a happy mood or anything. Happy Wednesday. That was me trying to be enthusiastic is Wednesday again, it's another Wednesday audio.

This is episode six of the only podcast in the world about Wednesdays. And today I want to actually talk not really about Wednesdays, but one of the reasons why I made the Wednesday audio, the Wednesday audio was made because I had this idea in my head and simply put, the idea is destroy your audience.

That's what I want to talk about today. Destroying your audience. What I actually mean by it, because there's been a lot of confusion with this. I keep tweeting it on Twitter. Not really explaining what I mean. This is what I mean by destroying your audience. Here we go.

I made the Wednesday audio because I wanted to continue destroying my audience. First of all, to say on this point, I hate the term audience. I don't even think of myself as having an audience, but there is 150 people at them in here. I've only just started this newsletter. There's 150 people already on this newsletter that I could con consider an audience by the way, why can't I say I consider.

So I don't even consider it as an audience. I consider it as people that have chosen to just listen to things that I've got to say, cool, that's fantastic. And on Twitter, I see it in the same way on Twitter. I've got where more than 150 people paying attention, but I don't consider them as an audience.

The second I think of them as being an audience of being some kinds. Collective that I'm standing in front of. I think that's the second that you lose. So really this idea of destroying your audience. First of all, is this simple is destroying the concept of having an audience. I don't make any of this foreign audience.

I'm not making this for you. I'm making this for me. I create things for me. The Wednesday audio was an attempt to make a podcast about Wednesdays and seeing how far I could string out this random, stupid idea. And also, secondly, because Thomas J Bevin said, it'd be a cool idea. I kind of agreed. And I thought, yeah, what have I got to lose?

Let's make a podcast about Wednesday. So I don't create for the people I don't create for an audience is really catharsis. Or sometimes it's thinking out loud. Sometimes it's purely for the art of creation to enjoy creating something, to be away from the day job, to be away from other things. And to just sit.

And enjoy the pure process of creation if other people enjoy that too well, that's awesome. But that, isn't the goal. The fact that somebody else enjoys it is obviously nice. It's a little bit of an ego boost when somebody else follows you, it means you had to grow a little bit, but it's nowhere near the primary reason, not even the secondary reason, the third, the fourth, whatever the audience doesn't exist.

There's the big, big, big idea of being audience driven. And if you was to see me saying that, I put it in quotation marks. If I was audience driven, well, this thing that I'm recording now wouldn't even exist. There's such a tiny audience for the things that we're talking about now, Wednesdays, but it just, it wouldn't even exist.

There'd be no point in it. No audience is asking for a podcast about Wednesday. And even my men podcast, the men podcast, I record every week, get doing things usually over an hour long and I don't split it down. It's not split into nice little nature songs. If I was audience driven, if I was making the content foreign audience to please an audience, well, I've been making neat little chunks of three to five minutes and uploading them to YouTube.

And I'd probably have a secondary podcast that was just the shot clips. I'm not making things easy for people to consume because I don't have an audience. I want to raise. People that consume the things that I create. I want to make people think when they consume the things that I create, my email newsletter, wouldn't be about Wednesdays and primarily watches.

If I was bothered in any way about having an audience and even this, this whole idea of audience with discussing the word. The audience thing kind of thing makes you think something like I'm stood in front of a group of people, and we all want to, when we get sucked into this idea of making an audience, we all want a bigger and better audience.

And the truth is a bigger audience. Isn't necessarily a better audience. 500,000 Tik TOK followers is about equivalent to probably 10 followers. And 10 followers on Twitter is probably equivalent to about 200 followers on Instagram. This idea of audience and these numbers and all this kind of stupid stuff like this.

Then not equivalent. There is a bigger audience. Isn't a better audience. A better audience only comes from challenging people from making content that you truly want to create. The comes from somewhere deeper, artistic dare. I use that word. I never even considered myself to be any form of artistic in my entire life, but really it's having an artist mind.

You are creating this thing because you want to create this thing. And then obviously when you create challenging things, when you create things that aren't easy to consume, that takes time for somebody to consume you raise everybody's s**t. You raise everybody's ships by producing difficult things that make people think is destroying this idea of audience, destroying the idea that somebody is coming to you to listen to your opinions, to automatically accept the things that you said, because you are the expert and you are Lord God, you are, the guru is destroying this idea of having an audience.

I think in the long run, nobody at all wins. When we sit around all day consuming cheap and easy content we've been well, I know some people in the culture that I'm part of call this as content brand. We've become content brand. We'd like cheap and easy content. We like going on YouTube and watching things for five minutes.

We like going on tour. And read in one tweet, there's 380 characters, but none of us have sat there and read in long form blog posts. And none of us are sat there, reading books. None of us are consuming hard content that makes you think we're all consuming cheap and easy content. So in the long run. If you're obsessed with building an audience, and if you're obsessed with the idea of engagement and growing, whatever that even means by necessity, you need to produce cheap and easy content.

And when you produce cheap and easy content, you aren't raising all the ships around you. You sink in the mall, you're making everybody drink. Destroy your idea of having an audience of creating an audience of engaging an audience of keeping an audience happy, the whole idea of audience and the word is quite frankly, b******t thinking in terms of an audience is a slow trip to the wrong side of the tracks.

All you'll get from it is cheap and easy content. That's what I mean, when I said destroy your audience.

I like how the bell goes off at the end. That makes it sound like I've just delivered a sermon. Doesn't it?

Thank you as always for listening to my Wednesday audio podcast, there is next to no purpose to this podcast is a place for me to be honest and open with my podcast in to fulfill no audience obligations at all, to actually talk about these topics like destroying audiences and making things that I want to make.

This was episode six. I'll be over again, recorded another one next Wednesday, where the Ari. Well, that's up to you, but anyway, hope I'll see you next week. See you soon. Maybe .

As always, I need some help.

This podcast is best (or at least most fun) when I answer your silly, serious or strong opinions about Wednesdays. Drop a comment below and I’ll chat about it on the next episode.

We spoke a little bit about Wednesdays, Thomas goes off on his usual rant about ‘content’ and we come to some kind of consensus towards the end.

Let me know if you listened to the end by telling me the secret word.

Please help me. No, seriously.

I want to make this podcast a phone-in (of sorts).

Send me your messages, missives and comments about Wednesdays and any other questions and I’ll answer them in the next episode.

I desperately need more content here.

I have now made four episodes about Wednesdays. I am completely dry of content. This is an SOS.

It was late, I didn’t know what to talk about. So I just asked Paul LeCrone what he thought about Wednesdays.

Please help me. No, seriously.

I want to make this podcast a phone-in (of sorts).

Send me your messages, missives and comments about Wednesdays and any other questions and I’ll answer them in the next episode.

I desperately need more content here.

I have now made three episodes about Wednesdays. I am completely dry of content. This is an SOS.

Please help me. No, seriously.

I want to make this podcast a phone-in (of sorts).

Send me your messages, missives and comments about Wednesdays and any other questions and I’ll answer them in the next episode.

I desperately need more content here.

I have now made two episodes about Wednesdays. I am completely dry of content. This is an SOS.

In my first episode of The Wednesday Audio I explore why us British folk have such a loathing for an inanimate social construct like a day of the week.

Please help me. No, seriously.

I want to make this podcast a phone-in (of sorts).

Send me your messages, missives and comments about Wednesdays and any other questions and I’ll answer them in the next episode.

I desperately need more content here.

I just used everything I have to say about Wednesdays in my first episode.