But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Check out episode 238 on the Detour Cycle here: https://www.gettothrive.com/blog/episode-238-the-detour-cycle-navigating-beyond-pornography-with-clarity-and-values

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Listen to the episode on the Detour Cycle Here: https://player.captivate.fm/episode/6d3c3ae5-e06b-40ea-b779-73af6969f272

and find helpful resources at: https://www.gettothrive.com/succeed

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

But I did.

This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.

At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.

Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.

Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

I'm Zach. And I'm Darcy. We're an LDS couple who struggled with unwanted pornography in our marriage for many years. What was once our greatest struggle and something we thought would destroy us has become our greatest blessing in trying. Our hope is that as you listen to our podcast each week, you'll be filled with hope and healing and realize that you too can thrive beyond pornography and create the marriage you have always desired.

Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We're so glad you're here and we believe in you.

Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and today I have a couple of special guests with me friends of mine and people who I have enjoyed working with and have coached. Greg and Amy Langford. They are gr. Amy, why don't you guys tell your, tell us a little bit about yourselves.

I know Amy is a life coach in her own right and she's pretty awesome. But why don't you guys tell us a little bit about yourselves and. Hey. Yeah, it's it's great to be here, Zach. I appreciate you having us on. We've been married for 25 years now. During that time, we've we've had our ups and our downs and, and struggles, but It's about several years ago, Amy got into life coaching and we've learned a lot about ourselves and what we can do to have a better relationship.

And so it's been a really exciting journey here for the last few years and I really appreciated her learning that and be able to share that with me. And so we're grateful to be on here and be able to talk about our journey and hopefully it will help some other folks along the way. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Amy, anything you wanna add to that? Sure. I'll add that we have four kids and and love them, and our oldest is married now. And as they are starting into their own relationships and lives, the conversations that we've had between us have opened up a lot of on honest conversations with them as well in all of these areas.

And so not only. At the beginning, I feel like when we discovered this, it felt like our Achilles heel that was going to take us down as a marriage where we thought like, we're such a great team and we're such a great pair, and this is gonna be the thing that takes us down. And it ended up being the thing that brought us most together and developed us the most.

And on top of that has really, I feel like also accelerated our ability to have conversations with our children too. . So when you say the thing that was gonna bring you down, I think you're talking about pornography. Yes. Sorry. Yeah, no, that's cool. Why do you think you felt that way, either of you? I feel like the messaging that I received around it was that this was the most sinful thing that could happen, and it was equivalent to like my husband cheating on me and breaking the marriage vows.

And if that was. , you know, and the betrayal from that. And also when we went in for our first like when after we found it and then went into our first counselor, the counselor literally said like, he'll never recover and this is an addiction. So it felt like now we have this thing that's going to take all the goodness and all of the strength that we have as a couple, and this is going to be the thing that destroys it.

Yeah, I, I would've to agree. I mean, I really think it's the shame that you're build up from a very young age. We've been given that shame from the way we were raised, but also from the culture we were brought up into. Right. Sex was such a thing that they didn't want to talk about or, or bring up.

And really, you know, we talked about Satan's slippery slide. Like, if, you know, you go down this slide, there's no return. So to me, it was all the expectations that were put on yourself and the things that you've been brought to you and the shame behind it that kept it. From wanting not to be honest with Amy from the first place.

Right? And so when that was]]>Episode 190

I'm Zach. And I'm Darcy. We're an LDS couple who struggled with unwanted pornography in our marriage for many years. What was once our greatest struggle and something we thought would destroy us has become our greatest blessing in trying. Our hope is that as you listen to our podcast each week, you'll be filled with hope and healing and realize that you too can thrive beyond pornography and create the marriage you have always desired.

Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We're so glad you're here and we believe in you.

Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and today I have a couple of special guests with me friends of mine and people who I have enjoyed working with and have coached. Greg and Amy Langford. They are gr. Amy, why don't you guys tell your, tell us a little bit about yourselves.

I know Amy is a life coach in her own right and she's pretty awesome. But why don't you guys tell us a little bit about yourselves and. Hey. Yeah, it's it's great to be here, Zach. I appreciate you having us on. We've been married for 25 years now. During that time, we've we've had our ups and our downs and, and struggles, but It's about several years ago, Amy got into life coaching and we've learned a lot about ourselves and what we can do to have a better relationship.

And so it's been a really exciting journey here for the last few years and I really appreciated her learning that and be able to share that with me. And so we're grateful to be on here and be able to talk about our journey and hopefully it will help some other folks along the way. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Amy, anything you wanna add to that? Sure. I'll add that we have four kids and and love them, and our oldest is married now. And as they are starting into their own relationships and lives, the conversations that we've had between us have opened up a lot of on honest conversations with them as well in all of these areas.

And so not only. At the beginning, I feel like when we discovered this, it felt like our Achilles heel that was going to take us down as a marriage where we thought like, we're such a great team and we're such a great pair, and this is gonna be the thing that takes us down. And it ended up being the thing that brought us most together and developed us the most.

And on top of that has really, I feel like also accelerated our ability to have conversations with our children too. . So when you say the thing that was gonna bring you down, I think you're talking about pornography. Yes. Sorry. Yeah, no, that's cool. Why do you think you felt that way, either of you? I feel like the messaging that I received around it was that this was the most sinful thing that could happen, and it was equivalent to like my husband cheating on me and breaking the marriage vows.

And if that was. , you know, and the betrayal from that. And also when we went in for our first like when after we found it and then went into our first counselor, the counselor literally said like, he'll never recover and this is an addiction. So it felt like now we have this thing that's going to take all the goodness and all of the strength that we have as a couple, and this is going to be the thing that destroys it.

Yeah, I, I would've to agree. I mean, I really think it's the shame that you're build up from a very young age. We've been given that shame from the way we were raised, but also from the culture we were brought up into. Right. Sex was such a thing that they didn't want to talk about or, or bring up.

And really, you know, we talked about Satan's slippery slide. Like, if, you know, you go down this slide, there's no return. So to me, it was all the expectations that were put on yourself and the things that you've been brought to you and the shame behind it that kept it. From wanting not to be honest with Amy from the first place.

Right? And so when that was discovered and in our situation, it wasn't something I went to Amy to, she discovered it, which I think was even probably worse because it was the, not only the betrayal, but the dishonesty between us, that, that became the problem. So for me, really it was. the way that we had been raised and taught that this was such an awful thing.

And not that we're going out and praising and saying everyone should view porn and that's what we wanna do. Right. But we definitely had put a lot of power in it. And because that power was there when it, when the atomic bomb went off, it felt like an atomic bomb for sure. So Amy discovers you choosing pornography and all of a sudden, What happened?

Yeah. I'll, I'll never forget it, right? Uh, I woke up Sunday morning and Amy was standing next to the bed and had a look that I'd never seen before in her face. And, um, I had no idea what was about to happen to me, but she she came at me and let me know that she had found what I had been looking at on the computer and there was no hiding it.

The instant feeling was of terror. Um, you know, is my marriage gonna last? Uh, what's gonna happen? Well, obviously I, I didn't have anything to say, right? I didn't have any explanation. I couldn't, uh, couldn't lie it away. This time it was very obvious what happened. I remember calling the bishop and asking to go, you know, go visit him at that time.

And having that, starting that process. There was so much confusion around it. I think that was the problem. Right. Here again, Amy talked about how she had been betrayed and she thought, really, I literally had cheated on her because of this. My bishop really didn't know how to handle it. Right. He didn't have any emotional or understanding what I was going through or why I might be doing this.

Right. It was just, you know, this was bad. Sent us to A therapist that Amy talked about that told me I was a complete addict and that I would, I had this problem that I'd never get over. So there was a lot of confusion around it, right? And all it did was push us away from each other. There was no coming together.

I remember at one point, probably at my lowest lows at that point where the bishop had come over to our house and, um, you know, I was sleeping on the couch. I went to stay with my mom for a little bit. We were just really confused what was going on. . And after a conversation after the bishop had come over, Amy said something to the effect that, you know, I love you cuz you're a son of our healthy father.

But you know, that's the, that that's the only thing. And it was literally like the biggest gut punch I'd ever had in my life. Because here I knew that it was me, that I had brought this upon our family and destroyed our family, seeing the hanway because of my evilness. And that was the story that was being told to me.

Wow. . Amy, what, when you found out and you're standing over that bed and you're looking at Greg and all of those thoughts and feelers of running through your head, what, what was going on for you?

I think I felt so hurt and so betrayed and and I I was shocked. , like it really was shocking to me. . I think the dishonesty was a huge source of betrayal. And then also like all of the messaging like we've been talking about that I had of the meaning of what I had found and what it meant about him, and it, it brought up things like, do I even know you?

And, you know, like is what else is a lie and what else is true? And like, am I, have I been partaking in this life? That's like a lie. And so it just, it can completely. Shattered so many things that I, I didn't have any way to look at these pieces with any meaning that was helpful and all of it was just hurtful and all of it was destructive, and there was actually no help for me.

No one ever talked to me. There was no like other woman or other person. And so it all went inside me because at that point it was shameful. to admit it to anyone, and there was no hand reached out in my direction. Yeah. Well, and I wonder, you know, I think a lot of, especially in the church, I think a lot of church leaders just don't know what to do for the wives.

No it's this it's this position of, you're, you're gonna destroy your marriage and there's nothing we can do about it except for punish him. Mm-hmm. , that's, , that's so frustrating to think about. And that's not, I don't think that's anybody's fault. I just think that's unfortunately the, the, the bag we've been given and we have to deal with it.

But yeah, it's, it is definitely a fine line that you walk, right, because the wife has been such betrayal at that point. Right. And it has, or the spouse, you know, it can be other ways, but most likely it's the wife. As in such a betray though. But we know, we've come to know, and we'll get to all this stuff when we talk about it, that there's, you know, we both played into that role, right?

there was a role that Amy played, and there was a role that I played that got us to that point. But it's at that point, if you don't have the tools necessary to be able to have that conversation, you're just gonna end up destroying one or the other, or both. Right. Because I can't imagine our bishop that time coming and saying, well, Amy, you played a role on this.

You know, let's talk about all the things you've done that could cause this. I mean, that would've gone terribly bad, right? Yeah. And so again, there's just not. , there's not the tools out there to be able to have the real discussion, to get down to the crux of what's causing the issue and what really is the issue.

Right. Porn to me is very much the smoke to a, a lot, lot bigger fire. Right. And the things that underly are heavier and burning and more destructive than the, the porn itself. And we just focus on that smoke and cause it to be what the problem is. But we didn't have any, the tools or anybody that could help us understand what that burning fire was or anything.

Hope, grace said something. Oh, go ahead. Oh, no, like, I mean, I felt like at that time there was literally no strand or no meaning or no thread anywhere to grab onto and say there's hope, like there's a way to work through this, or a way to heal your pain, or a way to find out why or a way to like navigate this.

There was literally nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So when, when you're in that position of I don't have a way to solve this, and, and Greg said something that's a little bit, we'll call it controversial, that you guys were responsible together for this scenario. And I wanna touch on that for a bit. Amy, can you tell us what your thoughts are on that idea?

Yes. So my part to play in this was I was emotionally underdeveloped and was relying on Greg to take care of. Or wanting him to take care of literally all of my emotions, all of my stress, all of my anxiety. And I was constantly pulling on him for that. And it was so overwhelming to him to first of all manage himself and let alone manage me and all of my emotions.

And we didn't have a way to understand like, , like I thought that was his job, . And obviously you were told that was his job, by the way. Right? I was told that was he told you that his job and he thought it was his job too. And so the weight of a lot of that was that overwhelm is what led him into looking for that buffer through porn.

Right. So my part in it was being emotionally underdeveloped and constantly pulling in him for that. And not only that, in my emotional underdevelopment a lot of times, , I relied on him in all intimacy ways. I was also sexually underdeveloped and didn't know who I was or what my sexuality was, and relied completely on him for that.

And that was also another thing that led him there. So, so, can you expand on that just a little bit? Like what does it mean in, in practical terms, to be emotionally underdeveloped in such a way that your husband chooses. To hide from you. It means that I thought it was his job to fix all of my emotions and was constantly bringing all of them to him to fix and, and laying them at his feet.

Like, you gotta figure out how to solve my stress with these kids. How to solve my overwhelm with these babies. You've gotta make more money. You've gotta, um, make me feel better about myself and make me love my body. And you've got to, like, I was laying all of those at his feet and everyone's realizing they were actually mine.

Gotcha. So, does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. So, Greg, from your perspective now, I, I imagine in the, in the depths of this, you had no vocabulary for anything that we're talking about now, right? So I can, I can imagine looking back, you can see some things from your perspective, what was going on for you?

that you're like, I can't trust Amy with this problem. Yeah, I mean, um, you know, we're, we're taught that we're supposed to be the strong family character, you know, that we're the ones that we're the family head, we're the lead. If it's up to us to make it, if we don't make it the, the whole family's going to hell and hand basketing, it's our fault.

Right. Um, and you gotta be the strong one. So, when, when your spouse is bringing all those issues, uh, emotional and security and, um, potential, you know, financial issues to, to you. If you've been taught that you are, that's your responsibility. That's what you do, right? And you're gonna do everything you can to make sure you, you, you can do that.

And even when, so when. . I was doing that and not having a, realizing I had a problem. I mean, I knew that watching porn wasn't a good thing. Like I didn't think like, yeah, this is great for our marriage. Right? I knew even worse that lying to her was even, was even worse. But at that point it was a super nice guy, right?

I was gonna do everything that I could to take care of her. I didn't wanna put any more burden on her cuz it was my responsibility and, um, , if she was already emotionally unstable, if I would've brought this to her, my thought was just, I don't know what happened, right? I would've either put her in a place that was very, very unhealthy.

Uh, you know, our marriage, Mary, there was no, the thought of doing it, the destruction that happened after that. There was no concept of me thinking I could bring it to her there in a safe way, and that was true. . It's interesting, and I think people hear this idea that this is a co-creation and they want to immediately thrust back all responsibility to the man or to the person choosing pornography.

That's not to say by the way that, you know, Amy, you weren't responsible for him choosing pornography, but you were responsible for an environment in which, if he was choosing pornography, , it would be difficult for him to confide in you what was real and what was intimately going on with him when he was alone with himself.

Right. And I, I think we, we do pe we do ourselves a disservice to rust all that in back onto the person who's done the bad thing, because I don't think that that's fair. That's not to say by the way, that, you know, again, Amy, you're, you weren't obviously responsible for his choices, but. Can you, can you articulate for us any thoughts you have about that idea where instead of it being Greg's problem, when you took on responsibility for your own part in this reality, how that changed the dynamic between the two of you and your own capacity in this struggle?

Absolutely. I think how that changed, it was like really like night and day changed. Um, . First of all, I didn't know, I, I didn't realize that I could take on my own emotions and so like, life coaching has helped me learn how to understand that and how to process through them and take ownership of them. But the thing was, is I couldn't tolerate his honesty yet because I wasn't honest with myself yet.

And so growing honest with myself allowed me to be able to tolerate his honesty and he also to tolerate my honesty and our ability to. be more honest, has exponential or like it has increased and increased and increase, and increase and increase. Not the type of honesty that is cruel or unkind, but the type of honesty that is very raw and real and open and vulnerable.

This is not like attacking each other. This is like, Recognizing how you are difficult or how you aren't contributing or how you're expecting someone else to solve something for you or how you are not taking ownership. Um, yeah, I really like what you're saying there cuz what my wife has a, a grandma who says the meanest thinks and it's "honesty" in air quotes for, for those of you listening on, on the radio) right, it's. She's just mean, and she says mean things, and she thinks she's just being honest. And that's, I don't think that's what you're talking about. No, I don't think cruelty is honest. No. I think in fact the real, the real essence of honesty is very raw and vulnerable and kind, and it doesn't come out cruel.

No. There's all kinds of intent behind it. Right? And it depends on the intent behind it, right? If you're. , even if you're being, being honest, so that you can throw away your baggage to someone else, that's not the right purpose. Right. If you're being honest through, like we said, to be cruel, that's not the right purpose.

And it's really, and, and by the way, just so everyone can understand, this took a long, a very, very long time. Right? First of all, cause we didn't have the tools for a very, very long time. And then when we got the tools, we would learn little bits of a at at a time and get things better. But it felt like it was a real struggle to.

You know, as Amy said, it's night and day. It is night and day, but it really did take some time to be able to get there. And, and there's very vivid moments in our relationship where a little more honesty came out. We didn't quite handle it correctly. We regressed, we worked. We worked, worked a little more honesty came out, we handled it better.

It went on for a little while and then it, it felt like it built and built and built like a snowball. I feel like probably in the last year or so, that snowballs hit the top of the mountain and come roaring down. And the, and the relationship on the other side is unbelievable. Like I just keep pinching myself every once in a while.

Is this really, is this really us? Right. And it's, yeah. You know, intimacy, it's, it's ugly, right? People wanna be intimate cuz they want, they think it's great and lovely and it's hard and it sucks sometimes. And, uh, I've had Amy tell me some of the things of the hardest things I've ever heard. But it's when you try to finally get to that top of that mountain and can push it over where you feel like no matter what's going on inside of me, I have a soft place to go land.

And then that's Amy. I can bring that problem with Amy. I mean, even during those years, there were points where I wouldn't view for a very long time. Right. And then I would. I wouldn't even say mess up, but I would see something and do something that, that I don't think I probably should have, but I still didn't have that so place where I could go to Amy and land like, so it really was this big this, this lot of effort getting, getting there.

But when we got there, it was night and day. Uh, depend what our relationship was. . Yeah. At first when we learned the tools, we used them as weapons against each other, . And then we did this move where we were like so entangled with each other. We came like completely separate, like you know, like this not healthy independence.

And then had to learn to lean in and then had to learn to keep moving in that honesty. So there's been a lot of stages over the years and I think each one was another. Step in the right direction, even if they weren't all clean and beautiful and...]]>ed5c1b03-9e6c-4a3d-8f8a-f3d5ec3079deSun, 23 Apr 2023 23:45:00 -060054:54falsefull190190Ready to overcome pornography for goodAre you wondering if you're ready to overcome pornography? Find out the signs that suggest it's time for a change and learn how to create an effective plan with helpful, friendly advice from Thrive Beyond Pornography.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the grip that pornography has taken on your life? Have the cravings become too much and are you ready to take action to quit porn for good? If so, it's important for you to know that with honest effort and dedication, freedom from this battle is possible. The journey may be tough, but if you're willing to do the work, try new things and approach it from a different perspective, then success is not only achievable – it can even be life-changing! Today, we'll walk through 2 essential steps you need to understand in order to begin living free from porn.

Costs outweigh the benefits

One of the biggest things that is a struggle for many of the people that I work with is understanding what the costs and benefits of viewing pornography can be.

You might be looking at this Thinking that there can be no benefit to viewing pornography. Especially if you are morally opposed to the practice and have been trying to eliminate it from your life.

But I want you to be clear, if there were no benefit to choosing to view pornography, you probably wouldn't do it. I've used this analogy before, if you think about sucking your thumb as a baby, that activity performed a meaningful function and helped soothe you.  However, at some point, the benefit of self-soothing through thumb sucking began to be outweighed by the costs of it.  for example, my 10-year-old son might still suck his thumb, although I haven't seen it in a while. he is definitely more secretive about it than he was previously if he does. At some point, he realized that 10-year-old boys don't usually suck their thumbs.His older siblings tease him about it, and his peers aren't doing it. so at some point, he has decided that thumb-sucking, at least in public, has lower benefits than the cost of his siblings' teasing or his peers' sideways glances.

When it comes to pornography, one of the key components that we have to address is the benefit that pornography has had in our life.  This is pretty important because it allows us to understand ourselves and what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography. When we understand what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography, we get a much clearer picture of what we need to do to eliminate pornography from our lives.

For instance, if pornography has helped you manage anxiety around work projects, then you can seek more effective ways to manage anxiety around your work projects that align with your values. Or, if pornography has helped you stop feeling lonely, then one of the things that you can do to move toward your values is to learn new ways to engage your loneliness and practice them regularly. 

What many of us do instead is try to use mental tricks to tell ourselves that porn is disgusting.   Working with a client, I once asked him how he wants to feel when he thinks about pornography and his response was exactly this, he said, "I want to feel disgusted."

Unfortunately, what this actually creates for us is a sense that WE are disgusting because we like something that we feel is supposed to disgust us.

Being more real about it can also help us align more effectively with our values.  Telling myself that porn is disgusting is a pretty tough sell because of how I feel when I'm viewing it. I generally don't think that arousal is disgusting so telling myself that something that creates arousal is disgusting can be a complicated set of mental gymnastics.   If, however, I choose to acknowledge that pornography can be arousing and outside of my moral compass, I can reduce the shame and acknowledge my desire to not choose pornography while acknowledging the...]]>Are you wondering if you're ready to overcome pornography? Find out the signs that suggest it's time for a change and learn how to create an effective plan with helpful, friendly advice from Thrive Beyond Pornography.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the grip that pornography has taken on your life? Have the cravings become too much and are you ready to take action to quit porn for good? If so, it's important for you to know that with honest effort and dedication, freedom from this battle is possible. The journey may be tough, but if you're willing to do the work, try new things and approach it from a different perspective, then success is not only achievable – it can even be life-changing! Today, we'll walk through 2 essential steps you need to understand in order to begin living free from porn.

Costs outweigh the benefits

One of the biggest things that is a struggle for many of the people that I work with is understanding what the costs and benefits of viewing pornography can be.

You might be looking at this Thinking that there can be no benefit to viewing pornography. Especially if you are morally opposed to the practice and have been trying to eliminate it from your life.

But I want you to be clear, if there were no benefit to choosing to view pornography, you probably wouldn't do it. I've used this analogy before, if you think about sucking your thumb as a baby, that activity performed a meaningful function and helped soothe you.  However, at some point, the benefit of self-soothing through thumb sucking began to be outweighed by the costs of it.  for example, my 10-year-old son might still suck his thumb, although I haven't seen it in a while. he is definitely more secretive about it than he was previously if he does. At some point, he realized that 10-year-old boys don't usually suck their thumbs.His older siblings tease him about it, and his peers aren't doing it. so at some point, he has decided that thumb-sucking, at least in public, has lower benefits than the cost of his siblings' teasing or his peers' sideways glances.

When it comes to pornography, one of the key components that we have to address is the benefit that pornography has had in our life.  This is pretty important because it allows us to understand ourselves and what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography. When we understand what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography, we get a much clearer picture of what we need to do to eliminate pornography from our lives.

For instance, if pornography has helped you manage anxiety around work projects, then you can seek more effective ways to manage anxiety around your work projects that align with your values. Or, if pornography has helped you stop feeling lonely, then one of the things that you can do to move toward your values is to learn new ways to engage your loneliness and practice them regularly. 

What many of us do instead is try to use mental tricks to tell ourselves that porn is disgusting.   Working with a client, I once asked him how he wants to feel when he thinks about pornography and his response was exactly this, he said, "I want to feel disgusted."

Unfortunately, what this actually creates for us is a sense that WE are disgusting because we like something that we feel is supposed to disgust us.

Being more real about it can also help us align more effectively with our values.  Telling myself that porn is disgusting is a pretty tough sell because of how I feel when I'm viewing it. I generally don't think that arousal is disgusting so telling myself that something that creates arousal is disgusting can be a complicated set of mental gymnastics.   If, however, I choose to acknowledge that pornography can be arousing and outside of my moral compass, I can reduce the shame and acknowledge my desire to not choose pornography while acknowledging the biological reality that sexuality is important.   

Darcy put it to me this way once, growing up, she always wore tank tops. It was one of her go-to clothing choices because they were comfortable, and she had sweaty armpits. When she joined the church and made covenants to wear her garments, she gave up wearing tank tops. She didn't have to tell herself that tank tops are disgusting or immoral to make a choice to align herself with her values more fully.

It simply became that the cost of wearing tank tops outweighed the benefits of choosing to wear her garments. 

For many who are struggling to eliminate pornography use from their lives, this kind of analysis can offer clarifying perspective without creating or magnifying the shame often associated with Pornography use that falls outside their values.

Two questions I would recommend that you use are first, "What are the real benefits that I have gained from choosing pornography even though it is outside my values?" and, “What are the costs of my continued pornography viewing choices in light of my values and who I want to be?"

Wanting to overcome pornography vs committed to overcoming pornography

In addition to understanding the costs and benefits of choosing pornography outside of our values, it's important to take a clean look at whether we want to overcome pornography or we are committed to overcome pornography.

I realize that this may seem like a fine distinction, but I believe that words matter and the things that we say, think, and believe make a difference.

So let's take a look at the difference between wanting something and being committed to achieving something.

How many times have you said, “I want” followed by a statement that you know is never going to happen or that you are not really going to follow through with. For example, “I want to quit this job.” or “ I want to buy a new truck.” or “ I want to take my whole family on vacation to Europe in the next few years.” or, even, “I want to eat more healthy.” 

You could think of anything that you want but that you aren't willing to put in the time, effort, energy, or resources to get. That is what wanting looks like.

Being committed looks totally different. They may start in a similar place, a place of desire for something better, but that is where they diverge onto completely different paths.

With wanting, we stay in a place of daydreaming and wonder what it would be like for that thing to be real. Being committed quickly leaves the land of daydreaming and moves on to plans, processes, execution, and evaluation on repeat until our desire is realized.  

I want to be clear here, some of you are not in the land of daydream. Some of you are in a place of committed to overcoming pornography and have been working on that commitment for many years. Wanting isn't your problem; not having the right tools for the job is probably the issue.  So if you are listening to this and have been planning,  creating processes, executing those processes, and evaluating them, please don't think that you do not want it enough because you haven’t made it happen yet.  There is a good chance you just need some assistance.  Let me help you with that, there is no shame in needing a guiding hand in the process of doing something you’ve never done before.  Sign up for our free webinar at zachspafford.com/freecall. I’ll put a link in the show notes for you. 

If you are listening to this and wondering how do I know if I just want this because it seems like something I’m supposed to do or am I committed to actually making this change ask yourself this question, “Why do I believe it's important for me to make this change - who really matters most in the decision?"

When the why and the who both point inward at yourself, then you’ll be most committed.  That’s not to say you can’t be committed with external motivations, it’s just a bit harder. 

This is probably the number one driver of shame among those who struggle with pornography.   You’ve probably experienced this too, if you view pornography and are also opposed to viewing pornography. 

Today I’d like to break down what this looks like so you can really get a handle on what is happening and offer you one thing that you can do to appropriately address your brain when it offers you porn. 

When I struggled with porn, I found that two internal conversations were pretty typical as I tried to quit.  The first was a conversation with Heavenly Father that centered around Him taking away this problem, and I would be so much better at everything.  The second was around how this would be the last time, and I would use all my willpower and motivation to make that happen.  Essentially, each time I wanted to quit porn, I would have a talk with myself about how I was going to be strong and not let it happen again. Meanwhile, I was asking God to take over my agency so I never wanted to choose porn again. 

Here’s what that did to me.   First, I didn’t understand or recognize that God would not interfere with my agency, so I was, in effect, asking Him to do something that I don’t believe He was or is willing to do, based on my current understanding of agency.  Basically, I believe agency requires that we are able to make choices for ourselves and that means that when we ask God to take away our choice to view pornography, I don’t think that’s in line with His commitment to our independence of agency. 

When he didn’t stop me from having feelings, desires, or choosing porn that would in turn, impact my faith in God and whether he would answer my prayers, and whether I felt worthy to be loved by Him or to receive His blessings.  

You may not feel this way, I know I did, so I thought it would be important to share it with you in the hopes that if you have felt this way at all or haven’t quite been able to articulate this issue, that now you might be able to.  

The second conversation, the one I was having with myself about how much effort and willpower and motivation I would put into this time being the last time really left me with a lowered sense of self.  My self-confidence would start to diminish.  

To understand how this conversation I was having with myself about how this would be the last time started to break my self-confidence, we have to understand what self-confidence is.  

Self-confidence is three things: 1. Our capacity to know that we can deal with difficulty, including difficult emotions, thoughts, feelings, and urges.  2. Our capacity to believe what we want to believe about ourselves, including that we are good and worthy and that God loves us, and that we are lovable. 3. Lastly, our ability to believe ourselves, that we are going to do what we say we will do, including stopping or starting a behavior or completing a task or goal like quitting a porn habit.

Let me break this down for you, and hopefully, this will clarify what may be happening for you around pornography and self-confidence in your own life. 

Like I teach my clients in the membership and in individual coaching, awareness is key and the greater your awareness the more likely you are to be able to see the issues as they arise so you can make adjustments.  

Capacity to handle difficult thoughts feelings, and urges

To break down self-confidence, let’s start with our capacity to know that we can deal with...]]>One of the most challenging things that happens to pornography users when they choose pornography contrary to their own moral values is the destruction of their sense of self. 

This is probably the number one driver of shame among those who struggle with pornography.   You’ve probably experienced this too, if you view pornography and are also opposed to viewing pornography. 

Today I’d like to break down what this looks like so you can really get a handle on what is happening and offer you one thing that you can do to appropriately address your brain when it offers you porn. 

When I struggled with porn, I found that two internal conversations were pretty typical as I tried to quit.  The first was a conversation with Heavenly Father that centered around Him taking away this problem, and I would be so much better at everything.  The second was around how this would be the last time, and I would use all my willpower and motivation to make that happen.  Essentially, each time I wanted to quit porn, I would have a talk with myself about how I was going to be strong and not let it happen again. Meanwhile, I was asking God to take over my agency so I never wanted to choose porn again. 

Here’s what that did to me.   First, I didn’t understand or recognize that God would not interfere with my agency, so I was, in effect, asking Him to do something that I don’t believe He was or is willing to do, based on my current understanding of agency.  Basically, I believe agency requires that we are able to make choices for ourselves and that means that when we ask God to take away our choice to view pornography, I don’t think that’s in line with His commitment to our independence of agency. 

When he didn’t stop me from having feelings, desires, or choosing porn that would in turn, impact my faith in God and whether he would answer my prayers, and whether I felt worthy to be loved by Him or to receive His blessings.  

You may not feel this way, I know I did, so I thought it would be important to share it with you in the hopes that if you have felt this way at all or haven’t quite been able to articulate this issue, that now you might be able to.  

The second conversation, the one I was having with myself about how much effort and willpower and motivation I would put into this time being the last time really left me with a lowered sense of self.  My self-confidence would start to diminish.  

To understand how this conversation I was having with myself about how this would be the last time started to break my self-confidence, we have to understand what self-confidence is.  

Self-confidence is three things: 1. Our capacity to know that we can deal with difficulty, including difficult emotions, thoughts, feelings, and urges.  2. Our capacity to believe what we want to believe about ourselves, including that we are good and worthy and that God loves us, and that we are lovable. 3. Lastly, our ability to believe ourselves, that we are going to do what we say we will do, including stopping or starting a behavior or completing a task or goal like quitting a porn habit.

Let me break this down for you, and hopefully, this will clarify what may be happening for you around pornography and self-confidence in your own life. 

Like I teach my clients in the membership and in individual coaching, awareness is key and the greater your awareness the more likely you are to be able to see the issues as they arise so you can make adjustments.  

Capacity to handle difficult thoughts feelings, and urges

To break down self-confidence, let’s start with our capacity to know that we can deal with difficulty.  

So many of my clients tell me that when the urge to view pornography starts, they get this sense of inevitably, like no matter what they do, they will eventually give in.  That this will be too difficult and it will eventually overpower them.  

The most difficult things that most of us interact with are our unwanted thoughts, feelings, and urges.  They are part of us, so we can’t outrun them.  We can’t just shove them off the stage. We can’t just think different thoughts.  

We have to engage them in an appropriate way that doesn’t turn our internal dialogue into a battle between what feels good right now and who I want to be. When my clients learn the skills they need to approach this internal dialogue differently, they can practice them and their capacity to know they can deal with difficulty goes up.  We deep dive into this in our live coaching calls so you can see what is working for you and what is not. 

For instance, this last week Darcy and I went canyoneering with a group.  For Darcy, this would have been impossible 5 years ago.  If you sign up for a consult, I’ll show you a video of Darcy’s rappelling experience.  For her, this was a huge hurdle, because her mind tells her she’s going to die.  The entire time, she was making loud noises and closing her eyes, all while asking if the person at the bottom was going to be able to save her if something went wrong.  

In her mind, this was something really difficult and she did not have a belief that she could do this difficult thing.  After doing it, even though it wasn’t pleasant or fun the way it was for me, she now knows that she can do it, even if she doesn’t want to.  Now, imagine how much more confidence she would have if we did this every week?  

When we learn how to deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings, and urges properly and do it repeatedly, not only does our self-confidence increase, it becomes more of a habit, and habits run themselves, so we don’t have to muster up willpower and motivation each time.  

Believe what we want to believe about ourselves

Next, let’s talk about our capacity to believe what we want to believe about ourselves. Now, this isn’t narcissism, where we believe that we never do anything wrong and we are always right.  This is more like a healthy sense of who we are and our inner dialogue isn’t beating us up all the time. Think of it as believing in yourself and being able to acknowledge that you aren’t perfect. 

What this looks like is being able to see both the good and bad things that you are choosing without making them mean you are bad, while simultaneously being willing to continue growth and change toward being the person you desire to be.  

When we struggle with pornography habits in our lives, it becomes really difficult to believe in ourselves.  We often think about pornography and think, I’m an addict, or I’ll never be able to overcome this, or I’ve quit so many times and can’t see how this time will be different.  Believing in ourselves feels futile and even discouraging because we don’t have a track record of being able to overcome pornography for good. We just keep going back to the same old habits when things get difficult.  

We’ve talked about this on other podcasts, but the truth is, you have a skills gap, not a desire gap.  If you want to learn the skills that you actually need, feel free to set up an appointment with me at zachspafford.com/workwithzach and I’d love to help you out. 

The most important thing to realize here is, you are looking at your past and seeing that you aren’t the person you want to be, so you might find it difficult to believe in yourself without feeling like you’re trying to be fake about your reality.  This, then impacts your self-confidence.  

Trusting ourselves to do what we say we will.

Let’s talk about the last thing in our self-image, and I think this is probably one of the hardest on us, our ability to trust ourselves to do what we say we will.  

You might be able to see this one right away, and if not, that’s ok.  For me, no matter how many times I told myself that this was the last time, I knew it wouldn’t be.  In fact, I remember very clearly as a 13 year old, living in Chugiak, Alaska, sitting in my bedroom thinking, “this will be the last time I masturbate, then I’m going to give it up.”  This was pre-internet in my home and before I had regular access to any sort of pornography, so this was just my hormone-driven exploration of self, but, I felt like I had to put this behind me.  

That was probably the start of a regular cycle of telling myself this was the last time, going a period of time, maybe only an hour, sometimes it was a year, then going back to it and starting the whole thing over.  

When we don’t do what we say we will, it becomes really difficult to trust ourselves.  You probably know someone who just says, “I’m going to do X” and then they do that at all cost.  

My dad is a really good example of that for me.  Back to Alaska, my dad was suffering from a condition called gout, where there is a buildup of uric acid in your feet from eating meat and your body not being able to process the uric acid in the meat.  

It’s really painful and one day my dad decided that he was going to become a vegetarian.  That day was the last day he ate meat.  It was as simple as making a choice and doing it, at least from the outside.  

Some of us find this impossible when it comes to pornography.  As a result, our confidence and sense of self plummet whenever we’ve promised to ourselves or to others that we would give up our undesirable habit and we don’t.  

What can we do instead?

The first thing that you or anyone who is struggling with an unwanted or diminished sense of self can do is start to become aware of the ways your mind is interacting with these three standards of self-confidence.  

Just being aware is half the battle in being able to resolve issues in our mind and surrounding out behavior.  

Your mind is a powerful tool, and as you start to observe it, you’ll see how it can be helpful and hurtful.  Being aware, for instance, that your mind is telling you that choosing porn is inevitable and you might as well give in now can be a cue to take a step back and utilize a mindfulness technique. 

Taking that step back and observing your mind is a huge advantage that you can use to see what discomfort your mind is working to avoid.

Getting good at being able to step back is most effectively assisted by being kind to yourself.  

Are you someone who dislikes being in debt?

I think we all have a sense that we don’t want to be in debt to anyone for any reason.  Better to pay for it upfront than over time.

But for many of us, there have been times when we’ve pulled out our credit card so we can make a purchase, whether it is because we need something, like car repairs or furnace replacement, or because we want it, like that 65-inch flat screen tv. 

Credit card debt can be tough to unwind because of its high interest rates and ease of use. 

If we think of emotions as a currency that keeps us balanced, you might start to be able to see how you have become an emotional debtor when choosing pornography.

For example, I used to turn to porn when I felt lonely on business trips or when the family would be out of town.  Instead of going through my lonely feelings, addressing them directly and then creating connection with myself or others to flex that muscle, I would often retreat to feeling good and getting aroused by choosing porn.

Thinking about emotions as currency, say each emotion is like a dollar.  Then each time I choose porn to avoid loneliness, I have loneliness as a single dollar and I have arousal as a dollar.  

That would be fine, if that were where the exchange ended.  I trade my loneliness for my arousal - break even everything balances out. 

But for most of us, that’s not how it works. 

After the arousal fades, the loneliness is still there.  We haven’t acutally gotten rid of it, we’ve just avoided it.  So, along with that loneliness, we add, guilt, then shame, then frustration, and even disappointment. 

Essentially, each time I create arousal to avoid loneliness by choosing porn, I create 4 new emotions with that.  But those emotions are future emotions so I don’t think about them that much.  They are interest on that good arousal feeling.  

Because, instead of paying them back like money, at some point I have to face them.  If I don’t face them, they compound and I keep feeling worse and worse.  

This whole idea is what experiential avoidance or buffering breaks down to. 

Using an artificial boost to your emotional state in order to negate the unwanted emotions in the moment at the cost of your future emotional state. 

To go back to thinking of emotions as dollars, I often ask my clients, “If I offered you a shiny, brand new, $1 coin in mint condition with no blemishes, would you give me your 5 dirtiest, oldest, most wrinkled $1 bills?”

No one ever takes that deal.  Because a dollar is a dollar.  By the same token, an emotion is an emotion, and if we don’t get good at dealing with the unwanted difficult ones, we will find ourselves compounding our negative emotions.  

If we took it as a math equation, and every day we traded 1 dollar for 5 every day for a year, we would receive 365 good feeling emotions at the cost of 1825 negative emotions.  Year after year, that would put you in quite a hole. 

Each of us has discomfort that we deal with regularly. 

Pain comes in many forms, some more painful in a moment than others.  Some are physical pains like going to the dentist, and others are emotional pain like loneliness.  

The thing is that when we avoid painful things in search of short-term happiness and pleasure, we are usually setting ourselves up for long-term pain that is worse and more damaging than the pain we were avoiding. 

A perfect example of this happened to me this month. 

As I was flossing my teeth a chunk of what I thought was tooth came off my bottom back right tooth. 

Immediately I thought, “oh, how much is this going to cost.” Being an...]]>Porn Equals Pleasure over Pain - Experiential Avoidance and Emotional Debt

Are you someone who dislikes being in debt?

I think we all have a sense that we don’t want to be in debt to anyone for any reason.  Better to pay for it upfront than over time.

But for many of us, there have been times when we’ve pulled out our credit card so we can make a purchase, whether it is because we need something, like car repairs or furnace replacement, or because we want it, like that 65-inch flat screen tv. 

Credit card debt can be tough to unwind because of its high interest rates and ease of use. 

If we think of emotions as a currency that keeps us balanced, you might start to be able to see how you have become an emotional debtor when choosing pornography.

For example, I used to turn to porn when I felt lonely on business trips or when the family would be out of town.  Instead of going through my lonely feelings, addressing them directly and then creating connection with myself or others to flex that muscle, I would often retreat to feeling good and getting aroused by choosing porn.

Thinking about emotions as currency, say each emotion is like a dollar.  Then each time I choose porn to avoid loneliness, I have loneliness as a single dollar and I have arousal as a dollar.  

That would be fine, if that were where the exchange ended.  I trade my loneliness for my arousal - break even everything balances out. 

But for most of us, that’s not how it works. 

After the arousal fades, the loneliness is still there.  We haven’t acutally gotten rid of it, we’ve just avoided it.  So, along with that loneliness, we add, guilt, then shame, then frustration, and even disappointment. 

Essentially, each time I create arousal to avoid loneliness by choosing porn, I create 4 new emotions with that.  But those emotions are future emotions so I don’t think about them that much.  They are interest on that good arousal feeling.  

Because, instead of paying them back like money, at some point I have to face them.  If I don’t face them, they compound and I keep feeling worse and worse.  

This whole idea is what experiential avoidance or buffering breaks down to. 

Using an artificial boost to your emotional state in order to negate the unwanted emotions in the moment at the cost of your future emotional state. 

To go back to thinking of emotions as dollars, I often ask my clients, “If I offered you a shiny, brand new, $1 coin in mint condition with no blemishes, would you give me your 5 dirtiest, oldest, most wrinkled $1 bills?”

No one ever takes that deal.  Because a dollar is a dollar.  By the same token, an emotion is an emotion, and if we don’t get good at dealing with the unwanted difficult ones, we will find ourselves compounding our negative emotions.  

If we took it as a math equation, and every day we traded 1 dollar for 5 every day for a year, we would receive 365 good feeling emotions at the cost of 1825 negative emotions.  Year after year, that would put you in quite a hole. 

Each of us has discomfort that we deal with regularly. 

Pain comes in many forms, some more painful in a moment than others.  Some are physical pains like going to the dentist, and others are emotional pain like loneliness.  

The thing is that when we avoid painful things in search of short-term happiness and pleasure, we are usually setting ourselves up for long-term pain that is worse and more damaging than the pain we were avoiding. 

A perfect example of this happened to me this month. 

As I was flossing my teeth a chunk of what I thought was tooth came off my bottom back right tooth. 

Immediately I thought, “oh, how much is this going to cost.” Being an entrepreneur, I pay all my own dental bills.  

You can see my dilemma, put it off, don’t deal with the cost of fixing the tooth now and keep my, what turned out to be $152, or pay for it now, get into the dentist 

I worked as a dental assistant growing up, my family dentist gave me a job and I loved it. I thought I would be a dentist before I got to organic chemistry.  

Having worked in a dental office, I have seen first-hand what happens when someone neglects dental work.

Anything from needing heavy-duty cleaning with a machine that basically jackhammers your teeth with sonic waves all the way up to pulling everything out because not a single tooth has enough integrity to stay in the mouth without the possibility of getting infected. 

I honestly thought I needed a crown and it was going to be really expensive.   

Taking care of my teeth is important to me and the idea of losing a tooth because of neglect is not on my list of awesome. 

Facing the bill now also means that I don’t have to face it later when it might be more expensive and have implications for my other teeth.  

A lot of what we do in life is a trade-off.  

I work out knowing that a little pain now will help me get stronger in the long run, keep my metabolism up, and help me feel good. 

We get shots knowing that the vaccines, steroids, and even painkillers that hurt some going in, will help us avoid worse, even excruciating pain in the long run. I take a testosterone shot every week, I do not like the idea of stabbing myself with a needle, but I like it better than what happens when I don’t have that shot. 

When it comes to pornography use and the struggle that you have been dealing with for years, ask yourself, am I willing to take a shot now in order to avoid an even more painful future?  What’s the value of that to you?  

What’s the cost of continued therapy sessions for you and your spouse before finally resolving this issue?  What’s the cost of all the time you’ve spent doing something that is tearing at your self-confidence?  What’s the cost of sleeping in your car because your spouse has asked you to leave?  What’s the cost of the hurt you are putting into your relationship and the trust you are breaking because of pornography use? What’s the cost of a divorce?  What’s the cost of living separate lives?  

Just like dental work, working on ourselves is something that if you don’t get in as early as you can, the cavities in your capacities can fester, grow, and get infected.  

The emotional pain that you feel when you are frustrated, stressed, lonely or even just bored are all types of immediate pain that, if we choose to ignore it, we are creating a long-term pain that will eventually become unignorable.  

When I was deep in my pornography use, there was this huge gap between how I felt and how I wanted to feel. 

I struggled so much to feel wanted, loved, and worthy that I would have done anything to get those emotions in my life.  But, like so many of us, I didn’t know how. 

I thought that when I was lonely that no one wanted me.  What I didn’t realize is that my thoughts were the cause of my loneliness. 

The problem is, that without a coach, it is really hard to see how our thoughts are keeping us from dealing with our pain in the present and taking us off into the momentary pleasures of pornography use, overeating, and social media zone out. 

Then, when we come back to ourselves, we still don’t feel wanted, loved, or worthy.  In fact, we probably feel less of each of those things and we feel worse for having done something that we might have said, “I’ll never do that again”.

One of the key skills I use to help people deal with their emotions as they come up is mindfulness.  

This is a skill that I think so many of us men have been conditioned to ignore because we have been taught that our feelings don’t matter. 

Being aware of your feelings and allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable is a skill that we don’t cultivate in our culture.

Unfortunately, that is the very thing that handicaps us when working through our pornography use habits.  We think we can push it down, fight it off, and keep it at bay.  

I can tell you from personal, long-standing experience when we choose to avoid the meaningful experience of our feelings, we are creating a long-term effect that is more harmful to ourselves and others. 

The old adage, no pain, no gain, has a ring of truth, at least in this arena, because if you try not to feel your pain, you will never be able to grow past it and become the person you want to be. 

If you want to learn more about this, I am holding a webinar on how to deal with your urges on Thursday.  You can register at my website, zachspafford.com by clicking the “free masterclass” link at the top right of the page. 

Join my Monthly webinar:

zachspafford.com/freecall

Set up a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach

or sign up for our free masterclass at zachspafford.com/freecall

When I struggled with pornography and was attending the 12 step meetings regularly, one of the things that was the most difficult to deal with was the idea that any missteps meant that I was starting back at zero each time.  

The whole idea, especially with 12-step meetings where you would get a token or a chip for each period of sobriety, as they called it, and if you messed up, even one time, that meant that you would go back to zero.

It was discouraging and depressing.  

Each time I went back to zero, I felt that I was a complete failure. That was how we treated it at the meetings, it was how I treated it in my mind, and it was how Darcy treated it in our conversations. 

In today’s podcast, I want to teach you how you can set yourself up to never fail again as you overcome pornography. 

Imagine you are working on eating healthy and working to make your weight more reflective of a healthy body as well as eating according to that ideal. 

Each week for ten weeks you eat the things on your plan. You feel good.  You’ve lost 20 pounds. You’re doing well.  

Then, on a regular old Tuesday, with no special meaning and no reason to celebrate, you decide to eat everything in sight.  Nothing is on your list and none of the things you eat are what you might call “good for you”. You feel like you can’t help yourself.  

The next morning, you wake up and you’ve gained a pound.  You are 19 pounds lost instead of 20.  Are you back to zero? Are you starting over, are you a complete failure?  

I know that if a friend of mine called me that Wednesday morning and said, “Look, I failed.  I gained back one of the 20 pounds I lost and I’m just so ashamed of myself, I think I’m going to quit on my goal of eating healthy.”  I know what I would say to them.  

Hey, you have something to be proud of.  You’ve done 10 weeks of healthy eating.  Paying attention to your mind and what it is offering you around your food habits.  You’re doing so well.  You’ve lost 19 pounds.  You’re healthier than you’ve been in a while.  

I think we all would. 

But, for many of us, that is not how we approach pornography. 

So, today, I’d like to offer you two ideas that you can use to help you never fail again. 

First, Progress trumps Perfection. 

When we think about our struggles, we tend to think of them in terms of “have I arrived yet?” Have I overcome porn entirely yet?  Have I lost all the weight I want to yet? Do I make enough money yet? Do I have a degree yet?

In life, progress is more important than the place we’ve arrived at. When we value progress, we value ourselves as we are.  

You might be listening to this and say, “I don’t want to be who I am right now. I want that person to be gone. I want to be someone who never views porn again. I can’t value who I am.  I must be someone else.” Or some version of that. 

Here’s the problem with that.  When we believe that we aren’t enough, it shows up in our actions.  It shows up in our attitude.  It shows up in our results.  

If you think about your experiences with little children who are learning to walk, you might have noticed that they simply accept the things that happen as a matter of course.  And If they get sad or frustrated, when they fall or fail to make the progress they feel they would like to, and start crying, what do we do?  We pick them up and tell them it’s ok and that they are doing a good job and to keep trying. 

We value their progress, regardless of how...]]>Hey, if you are ready to get started on your journey to quit porn and start thriving, go to zachspafford.com/freecall and register for a live webinar this Thursday.  You’ll be glad you did. 

When I struggled with pornography and was attending the 12 step meetings regularly, one of the things that was the most difficult to deal with was the idea that any missteps meant that I was starting back at zero each time.  

The whole idea, especially with 12-step meetings where you would get a token or a chip for each period of sobriety, as they called it, and if you messed up, even one time, that meant that you would go back to zero.

It was discouraging and depressing.  

Each time I went back to zero, I felt that I was a complete failure. That was how we treated it at the meetings, it was how I treated it in my mind, and it was how Darcy treated it in our conversations. 

In today’s podcast, I want to teach you how you can set yourself up to never fail again as you overcome pornography. 

Imagine you are working on eating healthy and working to make your weight more reflective of a healthy body as well as eating according to that ideal. 

Each week for ten weeks you eat the things on your plan. You feel good.  You’ve lost 20 pounds. You’re doing well.  

Then, on a regular old Tuesday, with no special meaning and no reason to celebrate, you decide to eat everything in sight.  Nothing is on your list and none of the things you eat are what you might call “good for you”. You feel like you can’t help yourself.  

The next morning, you wake up and you’ve gained a pound.  You are 19 pounds lost instead of 20.  Are you back to zero? Are you starting over, are you a complete failure?  

I know that if a friend of mine called me that Wednesday morning and said, “Look, I failed.  I gained back one of the 20 pounds I lost and I’m just so ashamed of myself, I think I’m going to quit on my goal of eating healthy.”  I know what I would say to them.  

Hey, you have something to be proud of.  You’ve done 10 weeks of healthy eating.  Paying attention to your mind and what it is offering you around your food habits.  You’re doing so well.  You’ve lost 19 pounds.  You’re healthier than you’ve been in a while.  

I think we all would. 

But, for many of us, that is not how we approach pornography. 

So, today, I’d like to offer you two ideas that you can use to help you never fail again. 

First, Progress trumps Perfection. 

When we think about our struggles, we tend to think of them in terms of “have I arrived yet?” Have I overcome porn entirely yet?  Have I lost all the weight I want to yet? Do I make enough money yet? Do I have a degree yet?

In life, progress is more important than the place we’ve arrived at. When we value progress, we value ourselves as we are.  

You might be listening to this and say, “I don’t want to be who I am right now. I want that person to be gone. I want to be someone who never views porn again. I can’t value who I am.  I must be someone else.” Or some version of that. 

Here’s the problem with that.  When we believe that we aren’t enough, it shows up in our actions.  It shows up in our attitude.  It shows up in our results.  

If you think about your experiences with little children who are learning to walk, you might have noticed that they simply accept the things that happen as a matter of course.  And If they get sad or frustrated, when they fall or fail to make the progress they feel they would like to, and start crying, what do we do?  We pick them up and tell them it’s ok and that they are doing a good job and to keep trying. 

We value their progress, regardless of how little it is.  We believe in their capacity to succeed, as long as they keep trying.  

No one would stand over them and shame them for not being perfect, or yell at them for not getting another step in.  

Now, the truth is that we are not babies.  We are grown-ups and when we choose porn, in spite of our best efforts, there are consequences, including how our choices affect those around us.  

I would argue, however, that when we approach pornography in a progress-over-perfection attitude, we free up the space in our brain to keep trying. 

The second thing that I think anyone who is choosing pornography can do to never fail again is to Learn Something and Move Forward.  

In my program, Thrive Beyond Pornography I have a module dedicated to practicing this very thing and in coaching, we dive deep into how to effectively do this.  

Think about an auto mechanic.  What is the first thing he asks when you bring your car into him. “Can you describe the problem?”.  Imagine if you just said, “I don’t know”  and told him to figure it out.  It would take a lot longer than if you can accurately describe, in detail what lead up to the problem, what the problem is, and how you think the problem started. 

One of the first things that most people do after they choose pornography is they work hard to forget what happened.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a client to describe to me the events that lead up to choosing porn and what their mind offered them as they chose porn and heard the response, “I don’t know”. 

In order to learn from our mistakes, we need to face them, head-on, and in full daylight. 

That means, in order to never fail again, we have to be willing to see the problem so we can learn from our choices and try new ways of resolving the issues that we face. 

Learning how to mindfully and accurately describe the problem is one of the many steps that will allow us to figure out what is going on so that each time we make a choice that goes against our moral compass, we can use it to grow instead of beating ourselves up and feeling like a failure. 

Progress over perfection and learning something so you can move forward are game-changing tools.  Just these two steps alone can dramatically improve your capacity to overcome pornography and never fail again.  

Send me an email with your progress, I’d love to hear from you. 

I had a call with one of my clients today and he asked a really interesting question.  He had just been called into the bishopric as a councilor, he’s not chosen to view pornography for about 6 months, he is a business owner, a husband, and a father.  

He said, I have 2 things on my mind but let’s start with this one. “how do I get my mind right with all the stuff coming down, all the different roles and actions that need to be taken?” 

What was weighing on his mind is adding this new, demanding challenge of being in a bishopric to his life and he’s worried that he might fall back on old coping strategies to deal with his increased responsibilities. 

I think a lot of people have this come up, especially as they find that they are more successful at not choosing pornography.  How do I position myself to continue this success? Is essentially what he is asking and what you might also be asking. 

So, today, I’d like to share with you what I shared with him.  While this may not be the exact right answer for you, or for every situation, I think these are universal ideas that can help almost anyone and will probably help you, as you put pornography behind you and start creating the life you want and Thriving Beyond Pornography. And if you are ready to put the things that we talk about in the podcast into practice and are committed to not simply overcoming pornography now, but also building or rebuilding your relationship, then sign up for a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach.  

One of the biggest reasons men and women struggle with pornography is that it has been a reliable way to mitigate and manage emotions, stress, and other discomforts.  

So, when my client asked me the question of how to keep his mind right as he takes on new roles and responsibilities, it was pretty obvious that his concern was that he didn’t want to fall back on his old ways of dealing with new stressors.  

When new stressors come into our lives, our old ways of dealing with stress can easily come up as our mind tries to figure things out.  Having taught him the key skills that he needs to address when his mind offers him pornography with his old urge patterns, it seemed likely to me that, while he had started to become master of the behaviors he had previously turned to, he wasn’t yet creating a fulfilling life. 

Creating a fulfilling life is one of the surest ways to move beyond your old patterns and never go back. 

Think of an old job you had, that met your needs financially, but that was maybe too easy, not fulfilling or even horrible for whatever reason.  When you leave that old job, finding one that better matches your skill, helps you feel fulfilled and drives you to be a better employee by challenging you to grow and learn and solve problems in new and interesting ways. 

When that is what your job situation looks like, it’s pretty unlikely that you will want to go back to the old work environment. 

The same is true with your old habits.  Going back seems silly, when you’ve created a more fulfilling and enriched way of living. 

So, to assist in building this new life, I want to offer 2 simple habits that will help you build a more fulfilling life. 

The first is to say, “No”

That might seem too simple or even counter to creating a fulfilling life.  A lot of us were taught that service is the highest ideal and doing everything we can to serve will be meaningful.  I would simply say to that, yes, and saying no to doing everything you’re asked to do can help create balance in a busy, stressful life. 

I like the phrase, “If it's not a...]]>Join our free Masterclass - zachspafford.com/freecall

I had a call with one of my clients today and he asked a really interesting question.  He had just been called into the bishopric as a councilor, he’s not chosen to view pornography for about 6 months, he is a business owner, a husband, and a father.  

He said, I have 2 things on my mind but let’s start with this one. “how do I get my mind right with all the stuff coming down, all the different roles and actions that need to be taken?” 

What was weighing on his mind is adding this new, demanding challenge of being in a bishopric to his life and he’s worried that he might fall back on old coping strategies to deal with his increased responsibilities. 

I think a lot of people have this come up, especially as they find that they are more successful at not choosing pornography.  How do I position myself to continue this success? Is essentially what he is asking and what you might also be asking. 

So, today, I’d like to share with you what I shared with him.  While this may not be the exact right answer for you, or for every situation, I think these are universal ideas that can help almost anyone and will probably help you, as you put pornography behind you and start creating the life you want and Thriving Beyond Pornography. And if you are ready to put the things that we talk about in the podcast into practice and are committed to not simply overcoming pornography now, but also building or rebuilding your relationship, then sign up for a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach.  

One of the biggest reasons men and women struggle with pornography is that it has been a reliable way to mitigate and manage emotions, stress, and other discomforts.  

So, when my client asked me the question of how to keep his mind right as he takes on new roles and responsibilities, it was pretty obvious that his concern was that he didn’t want to fall back on his old ways of dealing with new stressors.  

When new stressors come into our lives, our old ways of dealing with stress can easily come up as our mind tries to figure things out.  Having taught him the key skills that he needs to address when his mind offers him pornography with his old urge patterns, it seemed likely to me that, while he had started to become master of the behaviors he had previously turned to, he wasn’t yet creating a fulfilling life. 

Creating a fulfilling life is one of the surest ways to move beyond your old patterns and never go back. 

Think of an old job you had, that met your needs financially, but that was maybe too easy, not fulfilling or even horrible for whatever reason.  When you leave that old job, finding one that better matches your skill, helps you feel fulfilled and drives you to be a better employee by challenging you to grow and learn and solve problems in new and interesting ways. 

When that is what your job situation looks like, it’s pretty unlikely that you will want to go back to the old work environment. 

The same is true with your old habits.  Going back seems silly, when you’ve created a more fulfilling and enriched way of living. 

So, to assist in building this new life, I want to offer 2 simple habits that will help you build a more fulfilling life. 

The first is to say, “No”

That might seem too simple or even counter to creating a fulfilling life.  A lot of us were taught that service is the highest ideal and doing everything we can to serve will be meaningful.  I would simply say to that, yes, and saying no to doing everything you’re asked to do can help create balance in a busy, stressful life. 

I like the phrase, “If it's not a heck yes, it’s a heck no.”  

Saying yes, out of duty or obligation, because you think you’re supposed to, is likely to overload your plate and begin to create resentment. 

Darcy - I know for me as a wife, when I would say yes to sex when what I really meant was no, it began to create resentment that meant really stepping into sex and choosing Zach was impossible.  

When he learned how to say, “no,” to all the things that I wanted and would often demand, I began to see that when he said, “Yes” it was more meaningful and real.  It was something that he was doing from a place of love and honest connection, rather than a place of obligation and resentment. He was choosing it because he wanted to, not so he could get something. 

And this was also an experience I had on my side as well.  As he learned to say no, I did too. When it came to sex or other things, I stopped saying yes just to manage him. ETC

Zach - Often within our lives, we are trying to fulfill a role about what we think we are supposed to be doing.  That, I believe is one of the reasons we say, “yes” when what we really need to say is, “no”.  In Thrive Beyond Pornography we talk about the three stages of cognitive agency and stage two of that is, roles and rules where we take on specific roles in our lives and try to follow the rules that we believe govern that role.  For instance, being a good husband we might think that it’s our job to make our wife happy.  Husband is the role, the rule is to do everything we can to make our wife happy. 

The third stage of cognitive agency is to reference ourselves and do what is in integrity with who we are and who we want to be. 

Darcy - So, what I’m hearing is not to only do what you want, because you want to do it, but to do what is in line with who you want to be and how you want to show up.  So, you might say, “yes” to some things that you might not really want to do because they are important to you.  For instance, …  

Zach - Totally.  So, when something comes up and you want to make a choice, Say the elders quorum president asks you to help with a move, I’ll give you three questions to ask yourself. 

1. “Do I want to do this thing, or do I not want to do this thing?”
2. “Why do I want to do this or not do this?”
3. “Do I like my reasons for wanting to do this or not wanting to do this?” 

I realize that seems like a lot of questions to ask yourself, especially when you’re standing in front of someone, but the more you use this framework, the quicker it will become. 

Now, using this on the EQP might be simple.  But what about on you wife?

The issue here is that when we don’t learn how to say no, even to our spouse, I find that I was resentful toward her when she would ask for things I didn’t want to give but that I felt I needed to give her in order to keep her happy.  And happy with me.  

Darcy - A really clear example of this for me is that you used to give me foot massages, like every day, I would beg you to rub my feet. I would tell you that I couldn’t get out of bed and I would tell you that my feet really hurt and I would just generally fuss and whine until you would do it, because I knew that I could get you to, even when you didn’t want to.  

Zach - Yeah, that was actually pretty frustrating to me.  Because even when I would rub your feet you would complain that it wasn’t long enough.  

So, I really stopped doing it for a while.  I got to a point where it just frustrated me and even you asking was annoying to me.  It became this battle, where I knew that if I didn’t do it, I was not making you happy and sometimes you’d even get mad at me.  So, internally I was conflicted.  

You’re not like that now, to be clear, but it was difficult because I felt like I wasn’t doing my job if I didn’t take care of you the way you wanted to be taken care of. 

Darcy - This is a two-way street as well, because, you could reverse the roles and insert sex wherever you talk about foot massages and I would say that I felt pretty much the same as you did.  

Zach - I think this is why it is so important to learn this skill in order to really get to a place where you can keep going in your progress away from choosing porn and keeping that from impacting your relationship. When we give in and we violate our sense of self, that sovereign person who wants to belong to themselves, that is when we seek out escapist behaviors in order to manage our sense of self. 

Which brings us to the second thing that every person who is moving beyond pornography needs to do in order to keep going and keep succeeding. 

I cannot tell you how many times I ask this question and the answer is, “nothing”.  

The question I ask, as men start to grow past their pornography choices and they are trying to figure out next steps is, “what is something that you do, that is just for you, and that you do regularly in order to fill your cup?”

It’s really extraordinary how, probably 90% of the people I ask this question of, they look at me a little bewildered and like I’m speaking another language and they think about it and then they just say, “nothing”.  

I have a theory about pornography that ties into this.  

One of the reasons, I believe that many men and women choose porn, this isn’t the only reason, but I think it can be one of the reasons and I think it is a meaningful reason.  I believe many people choose porn as a way to escape, because it is something that they can call their own and that they don’t have to share with others.  It is something that they do, that they can own wholly, without having to share it with their spouse.  

Darcy - I think you’re right, why do you think that is?

Zach - Partly because of the taboo nature of it.  Partly because it can be done in secret.  It’s so bad that even talking about it among your friends is taboo.  So, it takes on this meaning of being all for me, just about me, and not for anyone else in any way. 

But I think this is one of the reasons that we need to start choosing activities, hobbies, and things that fill our cups.  There is value in men being manly and engaging in masculine activities. 

Darcy - I think some people out there might hear this and say, that’s selfish or he needs to fix his relationship and be home more.  I think that it’s clear from what you’re saying that staying home more, being with the family more, is possibly one of the reasons he isn’t filling his cup and engaging in things that he enjoys so instead of being able to openly choose those kinds of healthy activities, he may be seeking out easy, high dopamine activities that he can hide and keep secret.  Which isn’t an excuse, it’s just an observation.  When you chose porn, you were choosing it.  But one of the things that you had to do was grow up a bit in our relationship and insist on taking care of yourself by choosing activities that you love.  

Like flag football, last year when you played, I really didn’t like it.  Playing football is how you injured your back and I was worried that it would happen again. I also know that you love playing football.  It is a consistent thing in our lives, over the last 20 years, you will take every chance you can to play.  

Zach - Yeah, I really had to be willing to endure your discomfort and dislike of my hobby and grow up and be willing to disappoint you for my own happiness and to fill my cup. 

I think this isn’t to say that being rude or dismissive about your partner’s feelings is ok, or good.  But I think we think, too often, that we have to agree on everything if we are going to be in a marriage.  That just isn’t the case.  Belonging to yourself in a real and meaningful way, means that you won’t always agree with your spouse’s perspective, while still being willing to see it from their perspective.  

I think that is a really good definition of differentiation.  Being able to belong to yourself by not always agreeing with your spouse, while being able to belong to your spouse because you are willing to see it from their perspective and account for that in your choices. 

Creating a space for you to choose the activities that fill your cup is a really important component of each person’s ability to move beyond pornography for good. 

If we don’t do that, there is a better than even chance we will go back to choosing pornography simply as a way to cope and create space for ourselves.  

Darcy - So, learning to say no and creating space for yourself to fill your cup, taking care of yourself are two very important skills each person needs to keep going beyond pornography and grow the relationship they want with themself and with their spouse.  

I love it, even if I don’t like that it means you are away from us.  

Zach  - If you have a pornography struggle in your life, either as a spouse, an ecclesiastical leader, or the person who chooses pornography, you’ve probably run into this issue. 

I ask clients daily, “Can you tell me what happened the last time you chose porn?” The most common answer they give is, “I don’t know”. 

What is clear to me, over the many conversations that I have had is that those who are struggling because they choose pornography contrary to their moral values is that they don’t all have degenerative brain diseases.  

So, how can this be such a common refrain, why don’t these men and women know what is going on, when the fact is that they are the ones engaging in the behavior?

Darcy - As a spouse, you might find yourself frustrated with this kind of response.  

Zach -   But there is actually a really good reason why we say, “I don’t know” when it comes to our behavior, with this issue so often.  

Zach  - “In a series of experiments (conducted at the University of Chicago), participants were asked to evaluate the likelihood of themselves or others to do various moral or immoral behaviors. Respondents did not rate themselves more likely to do good works. Yet they regularly assumed they were more likely than others to avoid immoral acts. They also deemed instances of others’ unethical behavior as more extreme and memorable than their own choices.”

Darcy - All of us believe in our own inherent goodness and when our behavior does not reflect the sense of self that we believe to be who we are, we tend to both discount the facts and distance ourselves from them. 

Zach - I don’t know anyone who has not done this.  When we drive and cut someone off, most of us will justify our behavior or say it wasn’t that bad and actively try to put the incident behind us as quickly as possible.  Especially if we feel bad.  When, however, someone cuts us off, we, many times, ascribe malicious intent to the other person.  

In a real and meaningful way, this may be happening in your head around pornography.  

For those who are choosing pornography, the act of distancing ourselves from the behavior, putting it behind us as quickly as possible, and seemingly scrubbing our memory of the incident is an act of self-preservation in a way.  It helps us maintain our sense of self, in the face of behavior that contradicts our belief that we are “good”.

Darcy - I think it’s also really interesting how the research showed how when we see someone doing something and we don’t like it, we will assume we would never do anything like that.  

This really speaks to our desire to see ourselves in a certain way.   People want to see themselves as good.  

Zach - When we choose pornography, there is a tendency to do our best to distance ourselves from the choice because it contradicts the sense of self that we have and that we want to maintain. 

Darcy - as a woman I always saw myself as a brunette. I would dye my hair, color out my grey, and work to maintain my look as a brunette.  I had a sense of self that was not reflected in my hair color.  We’ve all seen that person who is not fooling anyone with their hair coloring.  In a way, this is what is going on for us when we fail to see our behavior and are unable to deal with it meaningfully.  

Z - Right, what we are doing is we are not seeing ourselves clearly. Almost a willful blindness to our choices. 

D - How can we mitigate this issue as we reflect on our choices?

Z - The three stages...]]>Darcy - Webinar Thursday at 6 pm mt. sign up at zachspafford.com/freecall

Zach  - If you have a pornography struggle in your life, either as a spouse, an ecclesiastical leader, or the person who chooses pornography, you’ve probably run into this issue. 

I ask clients daily, “Can you tell me what happened the last time you chose porn?” The most common answer they give is, “I don’t know”. 

What is clear to me, over the many conversations that I have had is that those who are struggling because they choose pornography contrary to their moral values is that they don’t all have degenerative brain diseases.  

So, how can this be such a common refrain, why don’t these men and women know what is going on, when the fact is that they are the ones engaging in the behavior?

Darcy - As a spouse, you might find yourself frustrated with this kind of response.  

Zach -   But there is actually a really good reason why we say, “I don’t know” when it comes to our behavior, with this issue so often.  

Zach  - “In a series of experiments (conducted at the University of Chicago), participants were asked to evaluate the likelihood of themselves or others to do various moral or immoral behaviors. Respondents did not rate themselves more likely to do good works. Yet they regularly assumed they were more likely than others to avoid immoral acts. They also deemed instances of others’ unethical behavior as more extreme and memorable than their own choices.”

Darcy - All of us believe in our own inherent goodness and when our behavior does not reflect the sense of self that we believe to be who we are, we tend to both discount the facts and distance ourselves from them. 

Zach - I don’t know anyone who has not done this.  When we drive and cut someone off, most of us will justify our behavior or say it wasn’t that bad and actively try to put the incident behind us as quickly as possible.  Especially if we feel bad.  When, however, someone cuts us off, we, many times, ascribe malicious intent to the other person.  

In a real and meaningful way, this may be happening in your head around pornography.  

For those who are choosing pornography, the act of distancing ourselves from the behavior, putting it behind us as quickly as possible, and seemingly scrubbing our memory of the incident is an act of self-preservation in a way.  It helps us maintain our sense of self, in the face of behavior that contradicts our belief that we are “good”.

Darcy - I think it’s also really interesting how the research showed how when we see someone doing something and we don’t like it, we will assume we would never do anything like that.  

This really speaks to our desire to see ourselves in a certain way.   People want to see themselves as good.  

Zach - When we choose pornography, there is a tendency to do our best to distance ourselves from the choice because it contradicts the sense of self that we have and that we want to maintain. 

Darcy - as a woman I always saw myself as a brunette. I would dye my hair, color out my grey, and work to maintain my look as a brunette.  I had a sense of self that was not reflected in my hair color.  We’ve all seen that person who is not fooling anyone with their hair coloring.  In a way, this is what is going on for us when we fail to see our behavior and are unable to deal with it meaningfully.  

Z - Right, what we are doing is we are not seeing ourselves clearly. Almost a willful blindness to our choices. 

D - How can we mitigate this issue as we reflect on our choices?

Z - The three stages of cognitive agency help us understand, at least in part, how to approach this subject. 

When we think about ourselves from the perspective of being integrated, one of the key issues is how we see ourselves.  Do we see our whole self and can we handle the reality of our whole person, or do we avoid seeing the whole person that we are, working to hide meaningful parts of us in order to maintain an illusion of our goodness without fault? 

This isn’t to say that we aren’t good people if we choose pornography and that we are somehow irredeemable.  It is, however, to be clear about who we are and what choices we make, even when those choices mean that our sense of goodness is challenged. 

If a basketball player has a bad night and misses all their free throws, that doesn’t mean they aren’t a capable, talented basketball player.  It does, however, mean that taking a look at what happened in an objective way will assist in improving the player’s ability to resolve the issues that are presenting at the free throw line. 

Darcy - This is why basketball players have coaches and why having someone who can help you review your choices is helpful.  Without that help, you might keep making the same mistakes over and over.  Whereas, when you have help, that shift will likely come more quickly. 

When I played volleyball, I was an excellent passer, because I could always put the ball in a playable spot on the court consistently.  But, when it came to my x it took a coach pointing out that I needed to do y before I was able to finally get consistent at that. 

Zach - Right, and when we act like we don’t know or can’t see what we’ve been doing, having a coach work through that self-blindness is helpful because it makes us face the facts, work through the problem and start to see ourselves more holistically.  

So, the reason we don’t want to know and why we say, “I don’t know,” is simple - it is an act of self-preservation emotionally and mentally. We are working to preserve our sense of self in order to not upset the balance we’ve struck in life to see ourselves as a good person. 

What to do instead is a different matter.  

If you are willing to make the change necessary, one of the first things that you might do is simply write down, or say out loud to yourself or someone else, what is actually happening for you in the time before you choose pornography. 

One of the things that has been really important for me and for my clients is being able to objectively acknowledge the facts of what happens mentally, emotionally, and physically when we choose pornography.  

Doing this from a facts based, observational perspective can be invaluable in learning who we really are. 

Two points I want to make here are, saying it or writing it down can be crucial in making it real.  If we just keep it in our head and think it, there is not the same power in dealing with the issues and we have less perspective than if we put it outside of us in some way. 

The other thing that I would ask you to do is be objective and just talk about facts.  Many times we want to use judgemental language to describe what has happened.    Instead, try just using facts.  

For example, instead of “I searched for dirty pictures” try, “I searched for images of women in bikinis.” 

Be as clear and objective about the choices you made as you can be.  

Darcy - Again it might be helpful to have a coach who can work through this with you. 

Zach - right, this is about gathering the facts and seeing them plainly, rather than beating yourself up or trying to make yourself feel bad, which is what a lot of us do when we think about pornography. 

It is going to have some amazing speakers, many of whom I know personally and can highly recommend, including my friend Joey Mascio over at firmlyfounded.com

You might be familiar with the famous marshmallow experiments of the 1960s conducted at Stanford University.  If you’re not familiar with it, it is an experiment that gives a marshmallow to a child and then promises them a second one if they wait to eat the marshmallow until the experiment facilitator comes back.  The experimenter walks out and hilarity ensues.   Kids do all kinds of funny things when they are trying not to eat a marshmallow.  They lick it, they play with it, they roll it around, they sing, and they close their eyes.  One even took small bites over and over until the marshmallow was finally gone. The look of disappointment on that kid's face was priceless.  It was the look of surprise that the marshmallow was gone and that they weren’t getting a second one. 

There have been a number of conclusions drawn about this study, including the long-term success of those who ate the marshmallow vs those who didn’t and how successful that single act would make that child in the future.  

I want to talk about why it is so difficult for those kids to keep from eating that marshmallow.  You could call it willpower or a lack of willpower.  But what is willpower really in this context?

Well, willpower may be nothing more than the capacity of the child to accurately recognize and account for the value of waiting in order to receive the promised reward. 

This concept is called, among other things, future discounting. 

Future discounting is an entire discipline in economics that, if I took the time to explain it to you in-depth, you’d be bored out of your mind.  It involves a set of mathematical equations, properly inserted into other math equations, that allow an economist to value an outcome over time based on real human behavior. 

But understanding this concept will open up a whole new awareness of your pornography struggle that may help you finally take hold and overcome porn now and create the thriving life you want. 

So, rather than give you math, I’m going to explain with food.  You can insert porn in place of food in any place you like in this conversation.  But dieting is almost universal and it parallels pornography nearly perfectly. Please be aware, I’m not making a moral equivalency between porn and food.  But the brain chemistry is pretty close. 

In our decision to eat healthily and lose weight, we begin to do the math of now vs later vs never. 

Essentially, the thought process might look like this: if I eat healthily now, that will cost me.  But if I start on Monday, or the first of the month, or the first of the year (whatever timeline you usually use), for me, it’s always Monday, then it will be a clean start and it will actually be easier.   If I never start, that would be bad, so I will start for sure.  

Demonstrated numerically, the equation might turn out that starting now is worth -2, starting later is +1 and starting never is 0.

First, let’s start with starting never.  We are going to start.  We have to.  It’s essential, so we discount the idea that we will never start and feel like we are left with just 2 choices.  To start today, right now, or start...]]>Really quickly, before we get started, I am going to be part of a Courageous Discipleship summit put on by the LDS life coach directory.  You can have access to it for free if you sign up in the next week.  Check the show notes for the link. https://summits.ldslifecoaches.com/?ref=6e42d0

It is going to have some amazing speakers, many of whom I know personally and can highly recommend, including my friend Joey Mascio over at firmlyfounded.com

You might be familiar with the famous marshmallow experiments of the 1960s conducted at Stanford University.  If you’re not familiar with it, it is an experiment that gives a marshmallow to a child and then promises them a second one if they wait to eat the marshmallow until the experiment facilitator comes back.  The experimenter walks out and hilarity ensues.   Kids do all kinds of funny things when they are trying not to eat a marshmallow.  They lick it, they play with it, they roll it around, they sing, and they close their eyes.  One even took small bites over and over until the marshmallow was finally gone. The look of disappointment on that kid's face was priceless.  It was the look of surprise that the marshmallow was gone and that they weren’t getting a second one. 

There have been a number of conclusions drawn about this study, including the long-term success of those who ate the marshmallow vs those who didn’t and how successful that single act would make that child in the future.  

I want to talk about why it is so difficult for those kids to keep from eating that marshmallow.  You could call it willpower or a lack of willpower.  But what is willpower really in this context?

Well, willpower may be nothing more than the capacity of the child to accurately recognize and account for the value of waiting in order to receive the promised reward. 

This concept is called, among other things, future discounting. 

Future discounting is an entire discipline in economics that, if I took the time to explain it to you in-depth, you’d be bored out of your mind.  It involves a set of mathematical equations, properly inserted into other math equations, that allow an economist to value an outcome over time based on real human behavior. 

But understanding this concept will open up a whole new awareness of your pornography struggle that may help you finally take hold and overcome porn now and create the thriving life you want. 

So, rather than give you math, I’m going to explain with food.  You can insert porn in place of food in any place you like in this conversation.  But dieting is almost universal and it parallels pornography nearly perfectly. Please be aware, I’m not making a moral equivalency between porn and food.  But the brain chemistry is pretty close. 

In our decision to eat healthily and lose weight, we begin to do the math of now vs later vs never. 

Essentially, the thought process might look like this: if I eat healthily now, that will cost me.  But if I start on Monday, or the first of the month, or the first of the year (whatever timeline you usually use), for me, it’s always Monday, then it will be a clean start and it will actually be easier.   If I never start, that would be bad, so I will start for sure.  

Demonstrated numerically, the equation might turn out that starting now is worth -2, starting later is +1 and starting never is 0.

First, let’s start with starting never.  We are going to start.  We have to.  It’s essential, so we discount the idea that we will never start and feel like we are left with just 2 choices.  To start today, right now, or start tomorrow.  

Next, let’s take a look at starting tomorrow.  You might recall a cartoon character named Popeye.  It’s an old-school cartoon that I used to love as a kid.  The character that stands out in that cartoon for the purpose of this example is Popeye's friend and sidekick of sorts, the ever  hungry for hamburgers, Wimpy. 

Why was Wimpy, well, a wimp?  It’s because he was always trading his tomorrows for what he wanted today. 

His catchphrase was, "I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." 

I don’t know about you, but the restaurants that served Wimpy just once, usually put up a sign shortly afterward that said, “"Positively NO CREDIT. This means YOU, Wimpy."

So, when you think that starting tomorrow is actually worth a positive “1” rather than the cost of starting today, which we talked about being a negative two, ask yourself, am I pretending that I will pay Tuesday for a hamburger today?

In other words, when it comes to how I am dealing with my pornography struggle, am I putting off addressing it through meaningful action, measured and consistent practice, and commitment to getting coached, believing that it will be easier in the future if I can just get there?

Last, let’s look at the starting now, which is worth -2 in our example.  When we look at starting today, taking action, building an eating plan, actually following it, and feeling uncomfortable, we are actually rightly valuing the cost of getting started.  It does cost us.  We have to feel the feelings of hunger and discomfort that come from not just shoving all that Superbowl food in our mouths.  

Why is this equation something that we are probably calculating correctly?  Because doing the work of learning the skills to eat healthily and then actually practicing that process is time-consuming, sometimes frustrating, and nearly always uncomfortable. 

This is why we don’t start.  This is why we do the easy thing in the moment.  We are looking at the cost of being the person we want to be and seeing that we must sacrifice the person that we are to make the person we want to come alive in our actions. 

You’ve probably had this very same thought process in the moment around pornography.  “I’ll start tomorrow.”  I know that I told myself a thousand times, “this is the last time.” all the way back to when I was a 12-year-old kid living in Alaska exploring masturbation and thinking that I was a terrible person and sinning. 

If we make this same calculation every time, we actually end up never starting.  We never put in the work and the third component of the equation actually becomes our reality.  If today, you make the evaluation that the cost of negative two is too much, then tomorrow you are likely to make the same valuation into eternity.  Starting today is too costly, starting tomorrow never comes, and starting never becomes our default choice.  

This is because if we always evaluate the equation today, because we can’t evaluate in any other place than right now, using the same calculations that make today worth -2, tomorrow worth +1, and never as 0, our default position in life is to not make a change.  Zero is the default position because change today costs too much and change tomorrow is just supposed to be easier in our minds.   

Thank you for tuning in every week to our podcast. It would mean the world to us if you would rate and live a review on apple podcasts or wherever you listen. It will help us get our message out and reach more people who need to hear this message. Please share this podcast with your friends and family! Pornography is a topic that most households are dealing with in one way or another and your share could be the very thing that your friend or family member has been looking for.

To be honest, when we first started our coaching practice 4 years ago we focused heavily on thought management and how you needed to change your thoughts to create the feelings you want which lead to the actions you take and ultimately your results! 

In our experience working with hundreds of clients over the last 4 years including our lived experience, we have found that managing your thoughts alone won’t create the results you are looking for. 

If overcoming porn was as simple as changing your thoughts then you probably won’t be struggling with porn anymore.

Today we are going to discuss 2 reasons why thought management will not solve your porn problem. 

And then, we are going to teach you 2 things that will help you deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings, and sensations. 

#1 Our thoughts happen automatically and we have very little if any control over them. 

I know in a past episode we discussed how many thoughts we have a day, how many of them are negative, and then how many of them are repeats each day so we won’t go into the details of that on this episode but if you are curious you can go listen to them. 

I’m sure some of you if not all of you had the experience where you were doing something very specific like writing an email and then out of nowhere your brain offers you the thought, “You should go check out porn.” You were not actively trying to come up with the thought “you should go check out porn” but your brain automatically offered it to you. 

Another example of this might be you are out to dinner for date night and your waitress comes up to take your order and your brain thinks, “oh man she is attractive I wonder what my husband is thinking right now. Or maybe our brains will remind us of the last time our spouse choose to look at porn because we were triggered by this attractive waitress. 

#2 If we try to get rid of our thoughts our brain will hyper-focus on them. 

The pink elephant experiment has shown us that this is scientifically going to happen.  

What this means for most people is that they try to stop thinking about something, and that thing keeps coming back into focus. 

For wives this might mean that they are trying to not think about their partner’s pornography choices during intimacy and it keeps resurfacing.

For those who are struggling with pornography, maybe you have tried really hard to change what’s on the stage of your mind and found that you keep coming back to it.  

This was one of the things that would happen for one particular client.  He’d be out on a run and see a woman running.  He would tell himself that he couldn’t think about her or it wasn’t right to see her as beautiful because his wife is the only woman he’s allowed to think about that way.  But, try as he might, his brain would just keep coming back to it all day.  That was one of the really important parts of the process that he and I worked on in individual coaching.  And I know Darcy works on this very issue with wives each time she works with them. 

So what can you do?

Here are two ways to deal with unwanted thoughts with scientifically sound practices that our experience has confirmed are valid. 

1. See and interact with your thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations as curiosities that your brain offers you
2. Take action toward your values from a calm, clear-headed place.

Let’s start with #1.  See and interact with your thoughts as curiosities that your brain offers...]]>In the world of life coaching and some therapy modalities, thought management is a very popular practice. 

To be honest, when we first started our coaching practice 4 years ago we focused heavily on thought management and how you needed to change your thoughts to create the feelings you want which lead to the actions you take and ultimately your results! 

In our experience working with hundreds of clients over the last 4 years including our lived experience, we have found that managing your thoughts alone won’t create the results you are looking for. 

If overcoming porn was as simple as changing your thoughts then you probably won’t be struggling with porn anymore.

Today we are going to discuss 2 reasons why thought management will not solve your porn problem. 

And then, we are going to teach you 2 things that will help you deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings, and sensations. 

#1 Our thoughts happen automatically and we have very little if any control over them. 

I know in a past episode we discussed how many thoughts we have a day, how many of them are negative, and then how many of them are repeats each day so we won’t go into the details of that on this episode but if you are curious you can go listen to them. 

I’m sure some of you if not all of you had the experience where you were doing something very specific like writing an email and then out of nowhere your brain offers you the thought, “You should go check out porn.” You were not actively trying to come up with the thought “you should go check out porn” but your brain automatically offered it to you. 

Another example of this might be you are out to dinner for date night and your waitress comes up to take your order and your brain thinks, “oh man she is attractive I wonder what my husband is thinking right now. Or maybe our brains will remind us of the last time our spouse choose to look at porn because we were triggered by this attractive waitress. 

#2 If we try to get rid of our thoughts our brain will hyper-focus on them. 

The pink elephant experiment has shown us that this is scientifically going to happen.  

What this means for most people is that they try to stop thinking about something, and that thing keeps coming back into focus. 

For wives this might mean that they are trying to not think about their partner’s pornography choices during intimacy and it keeps resurfacing.

For those who are struggling with pornography, maybe you have tried really hard to change what’s on the stage of your mind and found that you keep coming back to it.  

This was one of the things that would happen for one particular client.  He’d be out on a run and see a woman running.  He would tell himself that he couldn’t think about her or it wasn’t right to see her as beautiful because his wife is the only woman he’s allowed to think about that way.  But, try as he might, his brain would just keep coming back to it all day.  That was one of the really important parts of the process that he and I worked on in individual coaching.  And I know Darcy works on this very issue with wives each time she works with them. 

So what can you do?

Here are two ways to deal with unwanted thoughts with scientifically sound practices that our experience has confirmed are valid. 

1. See and interact with your thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations as curiosities that your brain offers you
2. Take action toward your values from a calm, clear-headed place.

Let’s start with #1.  See and interact with your thoughts as curiosities that your brain offers you. 

One of the reasons Darcy and I built Thrive Beyond Pornography was to give couples a framework to address and completely eliminate unwanted pornography from their relationships.  The first pillar in that framework is to reframe the pornography struggle. 

Most people see their thoughts that come up around pornography as threats.  We see them as the enemy and as such we fight them, trying to push them out of our minds.  As was mentioned, that strategy is not only unsuccessful for most people, it actually backfires, creating a negative loop of unwanted thoughts around the very thing we are struggling to eliminate.  

On the other hand, when we reframe the thoughts that we have from a threat to curiosity, we begin to set ourselves up for success by reducing the emotion behind the thought.

For instance, many of my clients have said that when their mind offers them the idea that “Now would be a good time to look at porn” in whatever way their brain says it, they have often begun to tense up, feeling their body react in a fight or flight way.  I know, I’ve thought that I have to get rid of this idea, I can’t be thinking that, this is wrong, and so on.  

But, when I learned to think about my thoughts from a position of curiosity, I began to be able to get to the root of the issue instead of fighting with my brain to eliminate a thought.  

If we take the example from earlier, as you’re writing an email your brain offers you the idea that you should go look at porn.  Instead of fighting that thought, becoming curious about why the thought is there leads me to see what is going on for me emotionally. For me, it very likely would have been that writing that email was not very interesting or it could have been that the email was difficult to write because I needed it to convey a very important message.  

Now that I see why my brain is offering me porn, I can understand it and reframe the problem from one of unwanted pornography viewing to one of discomfort overwriting an email.  By the way, that discomfort may simply be because it’s boring and not particularly difficult.  But no matter what it is, when I can see the problem clearly then I can take action.  Which we’ll talk about here in a minute.  But the only way to see the problems in our lives clearly is to be curious enough to follow them to their roots.  

I often use this example with the men I work with, when you are working on a big project at the office and something goes wrong before you fix it, what do you do?  Everyone I’ve spoken to says before I can fix the problem, I have to figure out exactly what went wrong.

Too often we think porn is the problem or our thoughts are the problem.  The reality is, we don’t know what the problem is, so we keep trying to treat the symptoms, rather than getting to the root of the problem and dealing with it there.  

Start by getting curious. 

Now, taking action toward our values. 

This might seem like an obvious idea and maybe one that you will have dismissed because someone in the past has simply said, “You know better than this, do what you know you’re supposed to do.”

That is not what I’m talking about. 

I’m talking about getting to a place where you have calmly and curiously sought to find out what the actual issue is.  Understanding why your brain is offering you an escape from your current set of experiences by choosing pornography, then facing that issue head-on. 

Along with seeing the actual issue and dealing with it directly, knowing what your values are is essential.  This is one of the first exercises that our clients do in our course.  They learn the difference between goals and values and begin to articulate what their values are in concrete ways.  A lot of us believe we know what our values are, but if I were to ask you, what are your 5 core values, would you be able to tell me what they are off-hand?  

It’s really difficult to move in the direction you want to go if you don’t have a compass.  Your values are your compass. 

In this case, here’s how I would handle my mind offering me porn. After identifying the reason that my brain was trying to save me from my discomfort, let's say that writing the email is boring.  From a clear, comfortable, calm, and curious place, I would ask myself, is always being entertained one of my values?  No.  What are my values?  My God, My wife, my kids, my work, and myself.  

If I were to go through the boredom of writing this email, which of my core values would I be engaging in?  My work.  

Ok, What action would I take if I were to engage in my value of my work?  One technique I like to use when I’m faced with a task I don’t really want to do, but that will bring me closer to my values is to try the five-minute rule.  Tell myself, I can do this for just the next five minutes and I don’t have to go any further. 

The key to this idea is that you are choosing this action from a calm, 

If you do see yourself as an addict, it’s important to recognize that you are likely working from what you know and seeing yourself this way is not a flaw.  It is simply part of the process of growing into a person who is living their values. 

When I was a young missionary, living in the city of Naples Italy, my companion and I boarded a train on our way home from proselyting and were followed onto the train by a young woman who, rather than sit in the seats, chose to sit in the stairwell of the train.  I looked her in the eye as I took my seat.  We connected briefly, knowing that each of us could see the other.  Soon after that brief interaction, she began to shoot herself up with heroin.  She did not care who saw or what they thought.  She simply wanted her fix.  

Think about your experience with pornography. Think about the last time you had an encounter where you were viewing pornography and someone interrupted you as you viewed it.  What did you do?  Did you meet the eye of the other person, hold up a finger and say, just a moment, I’ll be with you when I’m done?

You probably would stop immediately.  You would likely pretend that you were not watching anything.  

What this tells me is you are more likely ashamed of your choices than you are addicted to them. 

There are some good reasons to believe you are addicted.  When we use addiction language we are offering ourselves some distance from our behavior.  If I’m an addict, at least in part, I’m not responsible for this behavior.  Being an addict means I’m powerless, and if I’m powerless then pornography has power over me.  If pornography has power over me then when I choose pornography something outside of me is responsible for this choice.  

We’ll talk more about that in the module on agency.  But I want you to see how this idea that something outside of me or something that I’m powerless against has the capacity to make choices for me.  

Once we understand that pornography doesn’t have power over us, but instead that we are choosing to view pornography as a way to manage our discomfort, we begin to fully step into our responsibility and agency on this issue.  

This doesn’t mean that we may not have a compulsive habit that we have set up and follow as a result of continued reinforcement of the habit.  That may be the case. 

Why the distinction?  It’s really simple.  If I believe language and ideas that portray me as powerless or, at some level, a victim of something outside of me, then I’m less empowered to deal with the issue.  

Ask yourself, even if I am an addict, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are and that is an unassailable fact, does that change the fact that I no longer want porn in my life?  

If the answer is no, then what is the value in believing that you are an addict?

On the flip side, if I believe that I have a habit, even a habit that I compulsively engage in when I feel discomfort, how much more empowered do I feel about dealing with the problem and how much more likely am I to own the process am I likely to be?

In January 2015, Joshua Grubbs of Case Western, published powerful research showing that seeing oneself as a porn addict was predicted not by how much porn one views but by the degree of religiosity and moral attitudes towards sex. Now, Grubbs has published follow-up research demonstrating that believing you are addicted to porn actually...]]>Most of the men and women that I have worked with, have seen themselves at some level as an addict.  If that is not you, if you’ve not identified as an addict, then you can probably skip this section. 

If you do see yourself as an addict, it’s important to recognize that you are likely working from what you know and seeing yourself this way is not a flaw.  It is simply part of the process of growing into a person who is living their values. 

When I was a young missionary, living in the city of Naples Italy, my companion and I boarded a train on our way home from proselyting and were followed onto the train by a young woman who, rather than sit in the seats, chose to sit in the stairwell of the train.  I looked her in the eye as I took my seat.  We connected briefly, knowing that each of us could see the other.  Soon after that brief interaction, she began to shoot herself up with heroin.  She did not care who saw or what they thought.  She simply wanted her fix.  

Think about your experience with pornography. Think about the last time you had an encounter where you were viewing pornography and someone interrupted you as you viewed it.  What did you do?  Did you meet the eye of the other person, hold up a finger and say, just a moment, I’ll be with you when I’m done?

You probably would stop immediately.  You would likely pretend that you were not watching anything.  

What this tells me is you are more likely ashamed of your choices than you are addicted to them. 

There are some good reasons to believe you are addicted.  When we use addiction language we are offering ourselves some distance from our behavior.  If I’m an addict, at least in part, I’m not responsible for this behavior.  Being an addict means I’m powerless, and if I’m powerless then pornography has power over me.  If pornography has power over me then when I choose pornography something outside of me is responsible for this choice.  

We’ll talk more about that in the module on agency.  But I want you to see how this idea that something outside of me or something that I’m powerless against has the capacity to make choices for me.  

Once we understand that pornography doesn’t have power over us, but instead that we are choosing to view pornography as a way to manage our discomfort, we begin to fully step into our responsibility and agency on this issue.  

This doesn’t mean that we may not have a compulsive habit that we have set up and follow as a result of continued reinforcement of the habit.  That may be the case. 

Why the distinction?  It’s really simple.  If I believe language and ideas that portray me as powerless or, at some level, a victim of something outside of me, then I’m less empowered to deal with the issue.  

Ask yourself, even if I am an addict, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are and that is an unassailable fact, does that change the fact that I no longer want porn in my life?  

If the answer is no, then what is the value in believing that you are an addict?

On the flip side, if I believe that I have a habit, even a habit that I compulsively engage in when I feel discomfort, how much more empowered do I feel about dealing with the problem and how much more likely am I to own the process am I likely to be?

In January 2015, Joshua Grubbs of Case Western, published powerful research showing that seeing oneself as a porn addict was predicted not by how much porn one views but by the degree of religiosity and moral attitudes towards sex. Now, Grubbs has published follow-up research demonstrating that believing you are addicted to porn actually causes pain and psychological problems. Contrast this finding with the idea that we have to identify as an addict to get on the road to recovery.

and we know that people who feel bad make worse decisions than those who feel good. 

Within my coaching platform, we start by resetting mental attitudes around porn, in a sex-positive way without setting aside our values.   You’ll learn new, effective ways to think about pornography. You’ll learn what is actually going on for you that draws you toward pornography.  And you’ll learn how to reframe the issues in a shame-free way so you can begin to actually address the real issue directly.  Treating the cause and not just the symptom. Dealing with the reasons why we choose pornography is the most effective way to eliminate the habit before it even comes up.

Reframing the problem to create workable solutions helps

My wife is a wonderful woman, whom I love and adore. 

She also used to try and control me with sex. 

It wasn’t always overt, and it wasn’t usually something that was designed to make me do something that I didn’t want to do. 

In fact, it was the opposite. 

She was trying to get me to not do something. 

She was trying to keep me from looking at porn and I didn’t really want to look at porn. I wanted to stop.

It was always, in her mind, something she would do to “meet my needs”.

And I thought she was, by her actions, “meeting my needs.” 

In her mind, my pornography problem was about controlling how often I needed to give in to my urges. If she could interrupt my urge by engaging with me sexually, then she was helping me. She thought she was helping control my choice to use pornography. 

She would ask questions like, “How are you doing today?” in an effort to gauge where I was and if she “needed” to intervene by providing me with an outlet for the day. 

What she was doing, in reality, was frustrating herself and rewarding my pleasure center for disconnected, isolating behavior. 

Two main things were frustrating her. 

First, was the fact that she could not, despite her best efforts, control my urges or when or how I acted on them.

Whenever we try to control others, we will always find ourselves frustrated. They will rebel, they will deceive, they will find a way around you. People are like water; they will go wherever their personal gravity takes them. 

It is inevitable. 

Second, and I think more importantly, when what each of us really wanted was intimacy in the deepest and most connected sense of the word she was creating resentment and I was creating disappointment.

Control is antithetical to intimacy because inherent in intimacy is trust and control requires none. 

She resented needing to look over my shoulder to make sure I was making good decisions. 

I was disappointed that the intimacy that I wanted wasn’t available in a resentful spouse 

Don’t get me wrong, when you and your spouse decide that pornography use is not ok in your household then both of you should take steps to create an environment where viewing pornography is difficult. I am also not condoning pornography use. 

I am also saying, whether you are a man or a woman, making a decision to intercede in the urges of your spouse in an effort to control their actions is not going to work out in the long run. 

Let’s flip this on its head for a moment. 

Imagine a wife who is struggling with eating sugary treats. Each morning her husband asks her how she is feeling about that cheesecake with fresh strawberries in the fridge. 

During that discussion the husband hears the wife is having a hard time not sneaking a piece. She knows that it is for dessert after dinner this evening, but that she really wants to have just a little. 

So, he says, I know what, I’ll help you out. I’ll meet your needs. I have a carrot for you. It should tide you over because carrots have a lot of sugar. 

His attempt to “help her out” places him in a position that makes no sense to...]]>My wife used sex as a way to try and control me and I wanted her to

My wife is a wonderful woman, whom I love and adore. 

She also used to try and control me with sex. 

It wasn’t always overt, and it wasn’t usually something that was designed to make me do something that I didn’t want to do. 

In fact, it was the opposite. 

She was trying to get me to not do something. 

She was trying to keep me from looking at porn and I didn’t really want to look at porn. I wanted to stop.

It was always, in her mind, something she would do to “meet my needs”.

And I thought she was, by her actions, “meeting my needs.” 

In her mind, my pornography problem was about controlling how often I needed to give in to my urges. If she could interrupt my urge by engaging with me sexually, then she was helping me. She thought she was helping control my choice to use pornography. 

She would ask questions like, “How are you doing today?” in an effort to gauge where I was and if she “needed” to intervene by providing me with an outlet for the day. 

What she was doing, in reality, was frustrating herself and rewarding my pleasure center for disconnected, isolating behavior. 

Two main things were frustrating her. 

First, was the fact that she could not, despite her best efforts, control my urges or when or how I acted on them.

Whenever we try to control others, we will always find ourselves frustrated. They will rebel, they will deceive, they will find a way around you. People are like water; they will go wherever their personal gravity takes them. 

It is inevitable. 

Second, and I think more importantly, when what each of us really wanted was intimacy in the deepest and most connected sense of the word she was creating resentment and I was creating disappointment.

Control is antithetical to intimacy because inherent in intimacy is trust and control requires none. 

She resented needing to look over my shoulder to make sure I was making good decisions. 

I was disappointed that the intimacy that I wanted wasn’t available in a resentful spouse 

Don’t get me wrong, when you and your spouse decide that pornography use is not ok in your household then both of you should take steps to create an environment where viewing pornography is difficult. I am also not condoning pornography use. 

I am also saying, whether you are a man or a woman, making a decision to intercede in the urges of your spouse in an effort to control their actions is not going to work out in the long run. 

Let’s flip this on its head for a moment. 

Imagine a wife who is struggling with eating sugary treats. Each morning her husband asks her how she is feeling about that cheesecake with fresh strawberries in the fridge. 

During that discussion the husband hears the wife is having a hard time not sneaking a piece. She knows that it is for dessert after dinner this evening, but that she really wants to have just a little. 

So, he says, I know what, I’ll help you out. I’ll meet your needs. I have a carrot for you. It should tide you over because carrots have a lot of sugar. 

His attempt to “help her out” places him in a position that makes no sense to anyone. 

He’s giving her a “sweet treat”, but it isn’t what she wants. Not really. 

She may even take and eat it. But she may feel resentful that he is trying to control what she eats. 

Do you see the parallels?

What we all have to understand is that controlling others behavior isn’t really going to bring us or them to the place we want to be. 

It may only to create a short-term fix and will probably create a long-term negative effect. 

How do you avoid this?

1. Ask yourself, is it working? Is trying to control his behavior or her behavior working?

2. Make your decision about you being your best you. 

a. If you need time before reengaging with your spouse sexually, let them know and wait until you are ready to begin trusting again.

b. If your spouse is offering you carrots when you really want cake, discuss it and be prepared to wait until you can come to a mutually agreed on timeline. 

For a long time, I wanted my wife to control internet access on my phone, my computer, anything that I could get into trouble with. 

I found out that doesn’t work because in the end I needed to make good decisions based on my long-term desires, not my short-term urges. 

Being the person taking the carrots then being mad that I wasn’t happy with them and mad that my partner was putting “health food” in my face when what I really wanted was dessert that evening with my spouse. 

Here is what I know:

- proactively confronting yourself and why you are choosing pornography over intimacy is essential to chang 

- Being held accountable doesn’t mean someone is constantly checking your phone. We all know that things can be hidden and that is not your spouse’s job. 

- User’s must be solely responsible for their actions, no one else. There is never a reality where, “she didn’t meet my needs” or “you didn’t make the internet safe” or anything like that. The “devil made me do it” isn’t true. You chose to look or not look. Feel free to curiously explore why. 

- You are going to have negative feelings like loneliness, disappointment, anger. Don’t let them compound by making decisions that temporarily block the emotion. Seek instead to feel it, understand it and honestly and lovingly express it. 

- Intimacy comes through honesty and trust, not sex, not control, not buffering. Seek to find ways to experience intimacy.

- creating the life you want involve  

I love my wife and she loves me. 

I can’t control her and she can’t control me. 

I want you to know that it is possible to figure this out. I coach men and women who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel who finally reach the sunshine and see how much better it is on the other side. 

If you are a pornography user or the spouse of a user, sign up for a 

free consult and let me help you begin the process of letting go of control so you can have greater intimacy in your life, home and marriage. 

What is pornography?

I think that we believe this to be a fairly straightforward question with a really simple answer and I don’t think that is really the case. 

The late justice of the supreme court, Potter Stewart, in a landmark case regarding obscenity, made it clear that when answering this question, we know what it is.  Is response was essentially, “I know it when I see it.”

So, let me talk you through a more technical definition, a typical LDS definition, and then I’ll share with you my personal definition.   

The definition that I believe I often find used in technical papers and scientific journals of pornography is, I’m paraphrasing, “media depictions of real people, really having sex or masturbating.”  This is how the Oxford dictionary says it. “books, magazines, movies, etc., with no artistic value that describes or show sexual acts or naked people in a way that is intended to be sexually exciting:”

I take that to mean that the people making porn are making it with the real sensation of sexual organs being used to generate the content.  

That is a somewhat narrow definition and not one that I think a lot of people who listen to this podcast will agree with, but it is probably the most widely accepted definition from an academic perspective.

This is where we see the difference between performative media that includes nudity or even sex that is part of the story, which we see more regularly within the various streaming services, and pornography that is being produced simply for the purpose of arousal.  

This isn’t my definition, but it is a distinction that you might find helpful in the process of learning how to decrease the emotion behind your understanding of pornography and how it is impacting your life and your relationships.  

What I would like you to see in this distinction is simply that not all nudity, sex, or sexuality is equal.  When I was in my early 20’s there was a sister who was an artist studying at the University of Chicago Illinois who was telling me about some of the nudes that she was drawing, painting, and sketching.  It made me very uncomfortable because I had this sense that all nudity was pornographic and that good sisters in the church would never engage in that sort of activity. 

That may make you uncomfortable and that may not be valuable for you and your spouse to make the distinctions just yet, but it is important that you take a moment and decide if the ways that you’ve been thinking about nudity, sex, or sexuality are currently helpful to your capacity to create the thriving life you want or have they been holding you back.  

The second definition is probably the one that you are most familiar with, possible the one that you will agree the most with, and maybe the one that you were most likely taught either implicitly or explicitly as a member of the church. 

For this I’ll share with you Darcy’s thoughts on it.  

From Darcy- I know for me when you were struggling with pornography, I viewed pornography as pretty much anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. That could be a woman wearing a bikini, a sex scene in a network TV show, or even just a very beautiful woman that I felt threatened by. Now I realize that the three things I mentioned just now are not really what I would consider pornography, but the way my body reacted to those “threats” felt like pornography to me. Looking back, I can see how this idea was not very helpful for either Zach or me. It created a great deal of...]]>One of the things that often becomes a topic of discussion within my conversations with clients is a question that I ask them when they struggle to put porn behind them. 

What is pornography?

I think that we believe this to be a fairly straightforward question with a really simple answer and I don’t think that is really the case. 

The late justice of the supreme court, Potter Stewart, in a landmark case regarding obscenity, made it clear that when answering this question, we know what it is.  Is response was essentially, “I know it when I see it.”

So, let me talk you through a more technical definition, a typical LDS definition, and then I’ll share with you my personal definition.   

The definition that I believe I often find used in technical papers and scientific journals of pornography is, I’m paraphrasing, “media depictions of real people, really having sex or masturbating.”  This is how the Oxford dictionary says it. “books, magazines, movies, etc., with no artistic value that describes or show sexual acts or naked people in a way that is intended to be sexually exciting:”

I take that to mean that the people making porn are making it with the real sensation of sexual organs being used to generate the content.  

That is a somewhat narrow definition and not one that I think a lot of people who listen to this podcast will agree with, but it is probably the most widely accepted definition from an academic perspective.

This is where we see the difference between performative media that includes nudity or even sex that is part of the story, which we see more regularly within the various streaming services, and pornography that is being produced simply for the purpose of arousal.  

This isn’t my definition, but it is a distinction that you might find helpful in the process of learning how to decrease the emotion behind your understanding of pornography and how it is impacting your life and your relationships.  

What I would like you to see in this distinction is simply that not all nudity, sex, or sexuality is equal.  When I was in my early 20’s there was a sister who was an artist studying at the University of Chicago Illinois who was telling me about some of the nudes that she was drawing, painting, and sketching.  It made me very uncomfortable because I had this sense that all nudity was pornographic and that good sisters in the church would never engage in that sort of activity. 

That may make you uncomfortable and that may not be valuable for you and your spouse to make the distinctions just yet, but it is important that you take a moment and decide if the ways that you’ve been thinking about nudity, sex, or sexuality are currently helpful to your capacity to create the thriving life you want or have they been holding you back.  

The second definition is probably the one that you are most familiar with, possible the one that you will agree the most with, and maybe the one that you were most likely taught either implicitly or explicitly as a member of the church. 

For this I’ll share with you Darcy’s thoughts on it.  

From Darcy- I know for me when you were struggling with pornography, I viewed pornography as pretty much anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. That could be a woman wearing a bikini, a sex scene in a network TV show, or even just a very beautiful woman that I felt threatened by. Now I realize that the three things I mentioned just now are not really what I would consider pornography, but the way my body reacted to those “threats” felt like pornography to me. Looking back, I can see how this idea was not very helpful for either Zach or me. It created a great deal of anxiety for both Zach and me. 

I’ve heard people talk about others as “walking pornography”.  I’ve also heard church leaders, including one last year at girls camp tell our daughters about the time he saw a young woman in a bikini and that made him uncomfortable.

I think we can call this the all things that are sexual and non-sexual that have to do with too much skin, sex scenes, immodesty at any level, or just she’s pretty and he might look at her theory of pornography. 

This was a really difficult way to live. It was difficult to live because when I was around Darcy, I had to make a show of not seeing anything so she could feel safe.  It was also difficult to live when I was all by myself because simply the mere noticing of another woman who isn’t Darcy and finding them attractive at any level made me feel that I was a deeply flawed and unrighteous, unworthy person. 

I want you to see how impossible a standard this is, and this is part of the work Darcy and I do in our individual coaching with our clients, especially those who want to really thrive beyond pornography, is we deconstruct this in our minds to make a livable standard. 

The way I see this standard is, if someone is beautiful or attractive at any level, then I’m not allowed to notice them, acknowledge that beauty, or appreciate their attractiveness.  Meanwhile, biology has me seeing beauty in the world around me, acknowledging it, and appreciating it with every pass of my eyeball.  That, by the way, is exactly how I found such an attractive woman to marry.  

In part, this standard can have a component of jealousy, and in part, it can have a component of trying to manage sexuality out of our sight.  

Meanwhile, biology is working directly against these things to bring us together with an attractive partner.  

I think it’s important to acknowledge here that choosing pornography is not something I advocate for, and if your reasoning is, well, I just find it so attractive that I can’t help but seek it.  I think you need to be able to see the difference between seeing something and acknowledging or appreciating it and seeking something for self-gratification, especially at the expense of your values. 

With that said, taking a look at this definition is about realizing that if we set up an impossible standard, keeping that standard becomes a self-defeating process that demoralizes anyone who tries to live it because it is both unrealistic and impossible to live in society without seeing beauty.  

I once had a client tell me that he just wanted it to be that he was only attracted to his wife and no one else.   I told him that if his wife was the only attractive woman out there, every other man on the planet would be at a loss. 

We all want to be able to find others attractive, both men and women want this power, because it is good, and useful when we employ it in the service of living our values.  

Ok, the final definition is my own definition of what pornography is, and this is more a philosophy than a definition, so bear with me. 

When I think about sexual imagery, videos, photos, statues, or even descriptions, as you might find in books called erotica, I bring a test to whether I will choose to engage with them. 

The test is simply this, is this media drawing me into choosing to take my sexuality toward it and away from my wife?

Let me give you an example.  We were watching a movie the other night that was rated PG.  In one of the scenes, the main male character, pre-love interest in the main female character, walks in on the woman in her bra and underwear.  Did I notice she was basically dressed in a bikini? Yes.  Did I see her and acknowledge that she was an attractive woman? Yes.  Was I drawn into trying to take my sexuality toward her and away from my wife?  No.  

In years past, I would have pretended not to see, but seeing, lingered on the image in my mind to effectively draw up sexual feelings in myself toward this image.  Now, I see it, and I don’t let myself get derailed by it.  It went by unremarked on by Darcy.- (Darcy remarked on this as we were writing this, “I didn’t even remember that scene nor did it “trigger” me one bit. In years past that would have ended up as a long conversation about what was going on for him and if that was going to lead to porn. It would have been a little thing that would get blown up into this big deal and would have taken all the focus. Instead of enjoying the movie, I would have been worried about that very innocent scene and missed the cute little story. “

I think we do ourselves a disservice by being overly conscientious of how much of another person’s skin we can see before we are lost in the sea of pornography is everywhere. 

The nakedness of others is not what is at issue here for most of us.  I know it really isn’t for me.  If I were an ER doctor and the most beautiful woman in the world were brought into the OR with a gunshot wound, one of the first things that happens is all the person’s clothes are cut off.  

That person’s nakedness isn’t sexual or meant to draw in the sexuality of anyone.  

What I choose to do with what I see, whether I move toward my values or away from them, determines who I am. 

zachspafford.com

We’d love to see you there. 

Do the urges ever stop completely?

So, this question came up and I wanted to ask Zach it, because, as the person who has done this work around pornography and put it behind him, he has direct knowledge of how it works.  

Do the urges ever stop completely?

How often do urges occur for you?

What is the difference between never having an urge again and success?

Are all your sexual thoughts going to go away?

Will porn ever be a problem again

If you are listening to this podcast, we’re excited to see what 2023 will bring for you and how your life will change for the better by not just overcoming porn but putting yourself in a position to thrive. 

If you are ready to make 2023 the year you thrive beyond pornography, join us for our free masterclass this thursday night at six pm mountain by registering at zachspafford.com/freecall We are going to be talking about the one shift you need to create a life where you can Thrive Beyond Pornography

Doing it alone is possible. Doing it with your spouse can create the relationship you’ve been dreaming of. 

In the process of working with hundreds of men and women, there is a clear advantage for those who are married and who do the work with their spouses.  

Today we’d like to talk about three distinct advantages that come when you and your spouse work together on the process of thriving beyond pornography. 

1. She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.
2. She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.
3. Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing.

She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.

If you are truly ready to overcome pornography and begin to thrive, the perspective of your spouse is really essential.  

This is a vital role that our closest person can play for us.  Seeing ourselves more clearly can be difficult without external input.  

So, Darcy, how have you been able to see me more clearly and help me see me through your insight?

No one knows us as our spouse does. As we began to thrive beyond pornography and create a relationship where we were able to talk openly about what was going on for each of us it made a big impact on healing our relationship.

In the beginning, we spent more time hiding from each other to self-protect and project the best image of who we were. As we moved further down the road, we both started being more willing to be seen by each other and also see each other more clearly.

It was very uncomfortable for me to really see Zach as someone who chose to look at pornography. I wanted to see him as my next to perfect husband because that is who I wanted him to be and it felt way better to see him that way. 

There were times when Zach would come to me and say, “help me see what I can’t see.”

When he was humble enough and willing to listen to the things that I saw that he didn’t yet see, it was helpful for both of us. This was not me forcing what I wanted to see on him, but him coming to me wanting to be better, wanting to understand what it was that I saw in him that he was struggling to see. 

This is not an easy thing to do. We as humans don’t typically like hearing and seeing what it is that our partners see about us. It is hard to confront the ugly parts of us that we would prefer to hide from and not see. 

There were times I would notice patterns in Zach’s behavior that, if he was willing to hear, I could point out to him. There were definitely times when he didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it was hard for him to hear the truth. He didn’t always like the reflection of who he was being held up in front of his face. 

This concept can go both ways. There were many times when Zach was able to help me see things that I either didn’t want to see about me or that I was completely unaware of.  

She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.

One of the most difficult parts of creating a relationship that can thrive beyond pornography is healing from the disorganization that comes when a]]>Happy new year!

If you are listening to this podcast, we’re excited to see what 2023 will bring for you and how your life will change for the better by not just overcoming porn but putting yourself in a position to thrive. 

If you are ready to make 2023 the year you thrive beyond pornography, join us for our free masterclass this thursday night at six pm mountain by registering at zachspafford.com/freecall We are going to be talking about the one shift you need to create a life where you can Thrive Beyond Pornography

Doing it alone is possible. Doing it with your spouse can create the relationship you’ve been dreaming of. 

In the process of working with hundreds of men and women, there is a clear advantage for those who are married and who do the work with their spouses.  

Today we’d like to talk about three distinct advantages that come when you and your spouse work together on the process of thriving beyond pornography. 

1. She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.
2. She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.
3. Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing.

She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.

If you are truly ready to overcome pornography and begin to thrive, the perspective of your spouse is really essential.  

This is a vital role that our closest person can play for us.  Seeing ourselves more clearly can be difficult without external input.  

So, Darcy, how have you been able to see me more clearly and help me see me through your insight?

No one knows us as our spouse does. As we began to thrive beyond pornography and create a relationship where we were able to talk openly about what was going on for each of us it made a big impact on healing our relationship.

In the beginning, we spent more time hiding from each other to self-protect and project the best image of who we were. As we moved further down the road, we both started being more willing to be seen by each other and also see each other more clearly.

It was very uncomfortable for me to really see Zach as someone who chose to look at pornography. I wanted to see him as my next to perfect husband because that is who I wanted him to be and it felt way better to see him that way. 

There were times when Zach would come to me and say, “help me see what I can’t see.”

When he was humble enough and willing to listen to the things that I saw that he didn’t yet see, it was helpful for both of us. This was not me forcing what I wanted to see on him, but him coming to me wanting to be better, wanting to understand what it was that I saw in him that he was struggling to see. 

This is not an easy thing to do. We as humans don’t typically like hearing and seeing what it is that our partners see about us. It is hard to confront the ugly parts of us that we would prefer to hide from and not see. 

There were times I would notice patterns in Zach’s behavior that, if he was willing to hear, I could point out to him. There were definitely times when he didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it was hard for him to hear the truth. He didn’t always like the reflection of who he was being held up in front of his face. 

This concept can go both ways. There were many times when Zach was able to help me see things that I either didn’t want to see about me or that I was completely unaware of.  

She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.

One of the most difficult parts of creating a relationship that can thrive beyond pornography is healing from the disorganization that comes when a husband or wife learns of their spouse's pornography use.   It can feel like you are carrying around a boat anchor until it gets resolved. 

One thing that I have observed over the years of doing this is that many of the clients I’ve worked with have made remarkable progress toward their goal of becoming porn free.  That newfound triumph has often been dampened by the real and meaningful feelings of a spouse who has not yet been able to heal from the loss of what she thought the marriage was and who she thought her spouse was. 

Darcy, what have you done to move beyond the sense of betrayal that you had when you found out that I had been using pornography?

If you go back and listen to episode 170 titled six shifts that helped me move beyond betrayal, I talked in detail about some of the things that helped me move beyond Zach’s pornography struggle. So if you haven’t listened to that episode, I suggest you go back and do that.

However, I would like to share one story that comes to mind when I think about how I have been able to move forward. 

In my mind, I had this grand idea of what it meant and what it looked like for Zach to choose pornography. I often viewed it as a personal attack against me. I would think and say things like am I just not worth it enough for you to stop looking at porn. If you loved me more, you would stop. Don’t you think about me when you choose to do that? Why can’t you stop yourself from choosing porn by thinking about me and our relationship and what this might do to us?

Then one night, I became a fly on the wall as I watched Zach desperately try to find something, anything that would help him feel better. I, for the first time, was able to see Zach and his struggle with pornography so clearly. We talked in detail about this in episode xxx, the last time I almost went down the rabbit hole; It was not this amazing private sexual experience that he was having. It was truly sad, desperate, and really pathetic.  I realized at that moment that Zach choosing porn was not about me. I didn’t have to make it mean anything more than he was struggling and that the way he had trained himself to deal with struggle was to seek out sexual images. 

How has that helped you become a more effective partner?

I think this experience has helped me to be more honest with Zach about who I am and the things that I struggle with. It has been comforting to realize that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It has helped me to understand and appreciate my Savior and his infinite love for me.

What did healing from that breach do for our marriage?

Healing from this breach has been an incredible experience. It has been filled with many ups and downs, but in the long run, it has been way more ups! I am grateful for this experience because it has helped us to grow up in ways that I don’t think would have happened if we didn’t have to go through this trial. We have been able to create a relationship that has a solid foundation because this struggle helped us to see the hole that we had. 

Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing.

Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing; it’s the entire relationship growing to a place where pornography can never again break the relationship.

The reason that we updated the name of the podcast to thrive beyond pornography is that even though people can stop viewing porn, there are elements of life that don’t automatically get fixed when they do. 

When we got to a place where pornography wasn’t a regular issue, there was still quite a bit of change and growth that had to take place. 

Our real lives took the path of reframing the problem, Moving beyond pornography, moving beyond betrayal, then we had to re-found the relationship on more solid footing, and after that we had to learn new ways to interact and react to each other that created the thriving marriage that we have now.  

I think how we re-founded our relationship started with me realizing that Darcy wouldn’t make me happy and that I had to do that work myself.  I also had to learn what my real priorities were and begin living them. I had to create happiness for myself. I had to be willing not to make darcy a top priority over my happiness.  

I had to start going and doing the things that I liked doing.  I had to create a space where I belonged to myself while still choosing her.  

This is a line that we get to walk because it is a balance between being a net taker in your relationship by being selfish and not valuing your spouse’s feelings and desires versus being a true partner who can hold on to themselves and still show up as an equal in the relationship.  

Darcy, what did you do in that period to re-found the relationship and step into the relationship while holding on to yourself?

I stopped waiting on whether or not you chose porn to feel the way I wanted to feel. I spent so many years on the emotional rollercoaster of allowing your actions to determine whether or not I was going to be ok.

I also started to become capable of hearing your truths without going into solving your-problems mode. For so many women, we want to make it easy on others. We spend much time serving our children, neighbors, and spouse. For many of us, it gives us a sense of accomplishment and like we are contributing to the world in a positive and meaningful way; however, when this is all we do, we begin to lose ourselves in the service of others and not in a good way. Being able to hear that Zach was struggling with any number of things and not taking it on as my problem was freeing. I began to see Zach as willing and able to solve his own problems and that he didn’t need me to rescue him from himself. I learned to see Zach as an equally capable partner who I loved. It has also helped me to realize that I, too, am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. 

zachspafford.com/freecall

Zachspafford.com/workwithme

Christmas is a time of excitement and expectations

Trees, lights, presents, food. 

It’s also a time when people get stressed or they just want to make everything go perfectly. 

If you’ve experienced this you may have found that turning to pornography has been a way that you deal with the discomfort that you have.  

In the membership, we work through that with proven techniques that allow us to resolve the discomfort.   I’ll put a link in the description for you, so you can join the membership and start learning how to do this yourself.  www.zachspafford.com/workwithzach

Now, before you can use those skills, one of the things that I like to work on is recognizing some of the ideas that our minds offer us and just step into some new ideas that we can use to get our head ready for the realities of the holidays.  

So, here are 3 essential ideas that you need to know to make this Christmas amazing. 

1 – don’t expect others to be different than they are. 

-       This morning was tough.  

-       We have church at 9 am and sometimes on the weekend it is difficult to get kids out of bed. 

-       I went down to wake up my 3rd child and, you may know this about 15 year olds, but he did not jump out of bed, chipper and ready to roll

-       In years past I might have gotten upset, bugged him over and over, tried to dump water on his head and made a fuss until he was out of bed, I was frustrated and he was upset. 

-       Fortunately, I’ve been working on this and I simply asked him, are you up?

-       If not, do you want me to come back and wake you again.

-       He said he was up and I left him alone.  In fact, I completely put him getting up out of my mind.  

-       I did my part and I let him be responsible for himself.  

-       Previously, that interaction might have been frustrating and demoralizing.  

-       Letting him be who he is and not making it mean anything about me helps keep me centered and allows him to grow up. 

-       

-       

2      – don’t expect yourself to be different than you normally are. 

In past years, I would have told myself, You can’t mess up this week, it’s a really important time and if you mess up you’ll ruin it for Darcy.

This is setting yourself up for a battle mentally. It’s also likely to fail. 

I’ve talked about the pink elephant experiments before, but the more we tell ourselves that we can’t do something, the more our brain is likely to obsess over it and bring it up over and over.  In the membership, I teach you how do deal with this directly, but for right now, I just want you to try not to be different than you are and not 

This means doing your best, keeping your word, and striving to get better every day.   

3 – be prepared to be disappointed.

You might not get the gift you want

Your kids might not take the picture that you want with the smiles and looking at the camera

Your parents or in-laws will probably still be who they are, so they will probably be exactly the same people they are on other days...]]>3 Essential Ideas to Make This Christmas Amazing 

Christmas is a time of excitement and expectations

Trees, lights, presents, food. 

It’s also a time when people get stressed or they just want to make everything go perfectly. 

If you’ve experienced this you may have found that turning to pornography has been a way that you deal with the discomfort that you have.  

In the membership, we work through that with proven techniques that allow us to resolve the discomfort.   I’ll put a link in the description for you, so you can join the membership and start learning how to do this yourself.  www.zachspafford.com/workwithzach

Now, before you can use those skills, one of the things that I like to work on is recognizing some of the ideas that our minds offer us and just step into some new ideas that we can use to get our head ready for the realities of the holidays.  

So, here are 3 essential ideas that you need to know to make this Christmas amazing. 

1 – don’t expect others to be different than they are. 

-       This morning was tough.  

-       We have church at 9 am and sometimes on the weekend it is difficult to get kids out of bed. 

-       I went down to wake up my 3rd child and, you may know this about 15 year olds, but he did not jump out of bed, chipper and ready to roll

-       In years past I might have gotten upset, bugged him over and over, tried to dump water on his head and made a fuss until he was out of bed, I was frustrated and he was upset. 

-       Fortunately, I’ve been working on this and I simply asked him, are you up?

-       If not, do you want me to come back and wake you again.

-       He said he was up and I left him alone.  In fact, I completely put him getting up out of my mind.  

-       I did my part and I let him be responsible for himself.  

-       Previously, that interaction might have been frustrating and demoralizing.  

-       Letting him be who he is and not making it mean anything about me helps keep me centered and allows him to grow up. 

-       

-       

2      – don’t expect yourself to be different than you normally are. 

In past years, I would have told myself, You can’t mess up this week, it’s a really important time and if you mess up you’ll ruin it for Darcy.

This is setting yourself up for a battle mentally. It’s also likely to fail. 

I’ve talked about the pink elephant experiments before, but the more we tell ourselves that we can’t do something, the more our brain is likely to obsess over it and bring it up over and over.  In the membership, I teach you how do deal with this directly, but for right now, I just want you to try not to be different than you are and not 

This means doing your best, keeping your word, and striving to get better every day.   

3 – be prepared to be disappointed.

You might not get the gift you want

Your kids might not take the picture that you want with the smiles and looking at the camera

Your parents or in-laws will probably still be who they are, so they will probably be exactly the same people they are on other days of the year

Be prepared for someone to say something rude. Recognize that you won’t be able to change anyone this holiday season – despite what you may want.

Knowing that people are not going to do exactly what you want them to do and letting go of that allows you to focus in on yourself, choosing how you want to show up, and not letting that disappointment build up until you finally snap. 

You may have heard this before, lowering your expectations is one of the many keys to happiness.  The research is clear.  I suspect that has more to do with loving people as they are than it does with letting things be awful. 

When we love people as they are, we can also love ourselves how we are.  People who feel good make better decisions and loving yourself is an amazing way to feel good.  

When you feel good, because disappointment isn’t constantly on your mind, you’ll love those around you more fully, and your holiday is more likely to be the awesome time you want it to be. 

 As we shift our podcast from focusing mainly on the person who struggles with pornography to the relationship and all parties involved, we will have a variety of episodes. Some with be geared specifically for the person struggling with porn; in our podcast dialogues, we will assume it is the husband, although we are well aware that women struggle with porn too; some will be directed towards the wives, and others will be for both. 

We would recommend if you are in a relationship that you listen to all the different episodes because we believe it is helpful to learn all sides of the struggle.  

I want to start off by saying that no matter where you are on your journey, your feelings are valid, and the struggle is REAL!!!! 

I have been where you are, and this is not easy work to do. I also want you to know that there is so much room for hope and healing! 

I would never have thought it was possible to get to where I am today, and in this podcast episode, we will discuss some of the shifts I decided to make on our road to healing. 

If the things we discuss today are a bit hard to hear or maybe cause you to be defensive, that is ok too. I would invite you to ponder on what we talk about, and when you are ready, challenge yourself to grow. One of the things I have learned along this journey is that growth is really, really hard. It is uncomfortable, and often times it is way easier to just stay in the same cycle on repeat. 

Anytime I talk about my journey, I always like to point out that I was and I am married to a good man who struggled with unwanted pornography. I realize that not all men who struggle with porn are good, and only you can decide what kind of man you are married to and if your marriage is worth fighting for. We have personally known and worked with hundreds of really incredible men who struggle with unwanted pornography. If you are married to one of these men, I believe this episode will benefit you. 

So let’s get started!

When I stopped judging, criticizing, and vilifying my husband's struggle surrounding unwanted pornography, things changed for both of us. Here are the different ways things changed

1) I sought to understand his side of the issue - I began to seek an understanding of all the different aspects of Zach's unwanted pornography. I did this not to provide myself with fuel to justify my angry position but out of a desire to know him better and to understand what it was like on his side of the street and what porn did provide him.

This was a massive shift for me. For years I looked at Zach's pornography struggle as a moral failing. In some way, he was just not good enough, and I looked for all the evidence I could find to prove to him how his actions would destroy us. I was not really interested in learning what was actually going on for him from a behavioral standpoint. I was very much fixated on the moral failing and all the pain and damage he was causing me and our relationship. Taking the time to really get to know Zach and what was going on for him around his pornography struggle while also being able to hold onto myself was a huge turning point for both of us,

2) I questioned the story in my brain - I began to question the story my brain was playing on repeat about what unwanted porn was going to do to our marriage, what it meant about my husband, and what was going to happen to our family. I realized that my brain was just regurgitating all of the fear bass lessons I sat through at church. And reliving the horror stories I had heard about so and so’s divorce. I never questioned what I believed about this trial or whether or not the story my brain played...]]>Welcome to another episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography! We are so glad you are here! 

 As we shift our podcast from focusing mainly on the person who struggles with pornography to the relationship and all parties involved, we will have a variety of episodes. Some with be geared specifically for the person struggling with porn; in our podcast dialogues, we will assume it is the husband, although we are well aware that women struggle with porn too; some will be directed towards the wives, and others will be for both. 

We would recommend if you are in a relationship that you listen to all the different episodes because we believe it is helpful to learn all sides of the struggle.  

I want to start off by saying that no matter where you are on your journey, your feelings are valid, and the struggle is REAL!!!! 

I have been where you are, and this is not easy work to do. I also want you to know that there is so much room for hope and healing! 

I would never have thought it was possible to get to where I am today, and in this podcast episode, we will discuss some of the shifts I decided to make on our road to healing. 

If the things we discuss today are a bit hard to hear or maybe cause you to be defensive, that is ok too. I would invite you to ponder on what we talk about, and when you are ready, challenge yourself to grow. One of the things I have learned along this journey is that growth is really, really hard. It is uncomfortable, and often times it is way easier to just stay in the same cycle on repeat. 

Anytime I talk about my journey, I always like to point out that I was and I am married to a good man who struggled with unwanted pornography. I realize that not all men who struggle with porn are good, and only you can decide what kind of man you are married to and if your marriage is worth fighting for. We have personally known and worked with hundreds of really incredible men who struggle with unwanted pornography. If you are married to one of these men, I believe this episode will benefit you. 

So let’s get started!

When I stopped judging, criticizing, and vilifying my husband's struggle surrounding unwanted pornography, things changed for both of us. Here are the different ways things changed

1) I sought to understand his side of the issue - I began to seek an understanding of all the different aspects of Zach's unwanted pornography. I did this not to provide myself with fuel to justify my angry position but out of a desire to know him better and to understand what it was like on his side of the street and what porn did provide him.

This was a massive shift for me. For years I looked at Zach's pornography struggle as a moral failing. In some way, he was just not good enough, and I looked for all the evidence I could find to prove to him how his actions would destroy us. I was not really interested in learning what was actually going on for him from a behavioral standpoint. I was very much fixated on the moral failing and all the pain and damage he was causing me and our relationship. Taking the time to really get to know Zach and what was going on for him around his pornography struggle while also being able to hold onto myself was a huge turning point for both of us,

2) I questioned the story in my brain - I began to question the story my brain was playing on repeat about what unwanted porn was going to do to our marriage, what it meant about my husband, and what was going to happen to our family. I realized that my brain was just regurgitating all of the fear bass lessons I sat through at church. And reliving the horror stories I had heard about so and so’s divorce. I never questioned what I believed about this trial or whether or not the story my brain played helped me create the results I wanted in our marriage until I was utterly miserable.

I was miserable because I was trying to live out someone else idea about what all this meant instead of creating the intentional dialogue I genuinely believed about this trial.  I stopped letting FEAR run the show and chose to create a story based on my own reality, not on the story I was told I needed to believe that was not serving us or helpful in any way besides keeping us stuck. . 

3) I focused on our similarities and de-emphasized our differences - I began to focus on the ways my husband and I were more alike than different I realized that what was going on for him around pornography what's the same thing that was going on for me in different ways. I wasn't turning to porn, but I turned to other more acceptable things like food shopping and social media. I stopped focusing on the porn and turned my focus toward what caused it to be there.

It can be so effortless to focus on porn as the problem. To put ourselves in the one-up position because we don’t struggle with porn, and our partners do. 

Been there, done that!!! Honestly, we come by this so easily. The reality for most wives is that we can have an army around us sporting us and holding us up on a pedestal because we don’t struggle with porn and our husbands do. 

I am having a hard time typing this out. Still, hopefully, you understand what I am trying to say and that it is easy and justifiable to put ourselves in the one-up position with our husbands when it comes to porn and their behavior to choose porn. 

Personally, after many years of standing firm in the one-up position, I realized that this was not helping our relationship or helping me be someone I was proud of. I did not like myself when I took the self-righteous position of being better than Zach.

I am embarrassed to look back on my behavior because the more I genuinely learned about the struggle with unwanted pornography, the more I realized we were much more similar than I would care to admit. 

The beautiful thing that came about from me realizing we are more similar than different was that we were able to discuss our different challenges and bounce ideas back and forth off each other in a non-threatening way.   

4) I stopped making it worse by recognizing my own unhelpful behavior  - I began to realize that criticizing, threatening, and judging him was not helping the situation, it seemed to worsen the problem. It also made me feel worse. I hated how I felt inside and the behaviors I exhibited, for example, anger, trying to control everything, and obsessing about porn. I'm pretty sure porn was on my mind more than Zach’s. 

5) I challenged my own position - I began challenging my position on how I faced unwanted porn in our marriage. At first, it was him against me. This was his problem; this was something he needed to fix and quickly, or I was leaving. This was all his fault, and I was the innocent victim of his actions. He was disgusting in my mind, I threw out all of these threats trying to get his behavior to change. I realized that all the other trials we faced in our marriage we faced together, we were a United team, and once we became a United team around porn, that was when things started to shift. I changed the narrative in my brain from this is his problem to this is our problem, this is something he needs to fix quickly to this is something we can fix together, and it will take time; this is all his fault, and I am the victim to we have both played a part in the struggle, and neither of us is the victim nor are either of us responsible for the other's behavior. The less I became the victim, the more empowered I became. These were not easy shifts to make, and they required a lot of humility on my part because, for over 5 years, I stood firm in my previous position.

6) This can be a destructive battle or a relationship-building challenge - I began to realize that unwanted porn was either going to be the thing that tore us apart or the thing that challenged us,  stretched us, and required us to grow up. I am not going to say that this was easy!  It was hard, sometimes super ugly, and one of the most challenging things I've ever done, but in the end, it was so worth it. I am so very grateful for the wake-up call that I had that helped create the marriage that Zach and I have today. It is not perfect, but it is one I am proud of. We fought hard for it. 

If you are ready to create change in your life and your marriage, set up a consult with us!! We would love to help you create the results that you want in your marriage. 

We are so grateful you are here! Wherever you listen to this podcast, we would love it if you would rate and review it. It helps us spread our message to those who need it. And we love hearing how this podcast has impacted you. 

I am sure you are all very familiar with the placebo effect. Scientists gather a group of individuals who all struggle with say, depression and create 3 groups of people. One group gets the prescription medication, one group gets nothing, and the last group gets a sugar pill that they believe is the real deal. 

A miraculous thing occurs! People in the sugar pill group reported a reduction in their depression even though they received a placebo pill. 

This happens for all sorts of things, from pain management to weight loss. 

We know that the sugar pill had no ability to create change, yet change occurred! This helps us to see that the change comes from within the person. They had the power within them to create the change they wanted. 

Another example of this is the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When people believe in our ability to succeed, we often perform better. We see examples of this all the time. If your boss thinks you are a genius you will often perform better. Studies have been done on children in classrooms whose teacher praises them just for their effort, and the children’s schoolwork, attendance, and test scores improve.  A growing body of research suggests that the expectations a teacher sets for an individual student can significantly affect the student's performance.

What the placebo effect and the self-fulfilling prophecy teach us is that you can succeed and that the power is already within you!! You likely don’t yet believe in yourself, and you lack the hope you need in your ability to create the result that you want.

That is where coaching comes in handy. Having a coach who believes in your ability to succeed and helps you access that power from within you when you don’t yet see it or even believe it is there in the first place. 

We as humans are crazily capable of achieving, yet we often fall short of living up to our capacity. 

Almost all of my clients are crazy successful in many areas of their life, yet when it comes to their struggle with pornography they find themselves unable to create the desired outcome on their own or even through countless other programs, books and therapists.  These clients often doubt themselves and fail to take action. 

Here’s the deal. 

When trying new things, our minds often fight, protest, and reject new ideas. Our minds tend to put us in a cage and keep us stuck. I am sure you have experienced that feeling of being stuck and unable to move forwards when it comes to your struggle with pornography. 

Zach: here’s what the cage is like.  Fleas are powerful jumpers that can leap 13 inches.  If you put them in an eight-inch mason jar, they will just jump out.  But if you put a lid on it, they will jump into the lid a few times, but, because it’s painful and doesn’t seem to get them anywhere, they will learn to jump just high enough not to hit their heads.  You can then take the lid off the jar and the fleas will stay trapped.  

This is what we are experiencing in terms of our cage.  We are trapped, often by our perception of limitation more than actual limitation. 

Darcy: Our goal in the episode is to help you break out of the cage and create the change you want! 

Before we can get out of the cage we have to understand what the cage is all about. 

Zach: Here are some examples of what the “bars” of the cage looked like for my clients and...]]>Darcy: If Zach and I were to say that we believe in your ability to reach your goals around pornography and that humans often underestimate their ability to succeed, would that statement insult you, or would it cause you to feel hopeful? 

I am sure you are all very familiar with the placebo effect. Scientists gather a group of individuals who all struggle with say, depression and create 3 groups of people. One group gets the prescription medication, one group gets nothing, and the last group gets a sugar pill that they believe is the real deal. 

A miraculous thing occurs! People in the sugar pill group reported a reduction in their depression even though they received a placebo pill. 

This happens for all sorts of things, from pain management to weight loss. 

We know that the sugar pill had no ability to create change, yet change occurred! This helps us to see that the change comes from within the person. They had the power within them to create the change they wanted. 

Another example of this is the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When people believe in our ability to succeed, we often perform better. We see examples of this all the time. If your boss thinks you are a genius you will often perform better. Studies have been done on children in classrooms whose teacher praises them just for their effort, and the children’s schoolwork, attendance, and test scores improve.  A growing body of research suggests that the expectations a teacher sets for an individual student can significantly affect the student's performance.

What the placebo effect and the self-fulfilling prophecy teach us is that you can succeed and that the power is already within you!! You likely don’t yet believe in yourself, and you lack the hope you need in your ability to create the result that you want.

That is where coaching comes in handy. Having a coach who believes in your ability to succeed and helps you access that power from within you when you don’t yet see it or even believe it is there in the first place. 

We as humans are crazily capable of achieving, yet we often fall short of living up to our capacity. 

Almost all of my clients are crazy successful in many areas of their life, yet when it comes to their struggle with pornography they find themselves unable to create the desired outcome on their own or even through countless other programs, books and therapists.  These clients often doubt themselves and fail to take action. 

Here’s the deal. 

When trying new things, our minds often fight, protest, and reject new ideas. Our minds tend to put us in a cage and keep us stuck. I am sure you have experienced that feeling of being stuck and unable to move forwards when it comes to your struggle with pornography. 

Zach: here’s what the cage is like.  Fleas are powerful jumpers that can leap 13 inches.  If you put them in an eight-inch mason jar, they will just jump out.  But if you put a lid on it, they will jump into the lid a few times, but, because it’s painful and doesn’t seem to get them anywhere, they will learn to jump just high enough not to hit their heads.  You can then take the lid off the jar and the fleas will stay trapped.  

This is what we are experiencing in terms of our cage.  We are trapped, often by our perception of limitation more than actual limitation. 

Darcy: Our goal in the episode is to help you break out of the cage and create the change you want! 

Before we can get out of the cage we have to understand what the cage is all about. 

Zach: Here are some examples of what the “bars” of the cage looked like for my clients and me.

• I want to stop looking at porn, but I feel out of control
• I want to feel worthy, but often I feel worthless
• I want to be the person I pretend I am, but behind the scenes, I fail.
• I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like it is beyond my control
• Once an addict, always an addict
• I will never be able to change this
• I want my wife to trust me, yet my behavior makes me untrustworthy sometimes.

No wonder the men and women who come to us feel stuck.

The way to get unstuck and be able to walk through the bars of the “cage” is to understand how the cage got there in the first place!

Our mental cages come from two different things. The first is society, and the second is the activity of our mind.

As members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, most of us grew up with an abundance of societal messages regarding pornography this goes for both the husbands and the wives. 

Zach: For some of my clients, when their mom found out they were looking at porn it was suggested to them that perhaps they would become rapists or even pedophiles. 

Others received the message that they were sexually deviant, broken, and redeemable. 

They sat through lessons at church that were less than positive and created a feeling of hopelessness around their ability to change this behavior. 

They hear messages like, porn will destroy them.  Stay as far away from porn as you can because once you start you will become an addict. (talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy right there)

Porn will destroy your marriage. I would say that message was loud and clear to both the young men and women. 

Darcy: To the young women, we taught messages like run the other way if you are dating a boy who struggles with porn.  As well as, if you don’t meet your spouse's “needs,” they will look at porn or worse. This frameworkis both blaming them for choosing a partner that might struggle with pornography and blaming them for that partner’s choices.  

Porn is the worst thing ever, which turned into, “if I am looking at porn, then I must be the worst thing ever.”  

Psychologists call this a stigmatizing environment because the messages we receive from adults are that we are somehow broken and defective. 

Zach: This is in no way us trying to blame the church for all of the porn problems in the world, but this is us trying to shine a light on the society we were brought up in and how some strong beliefs around pornography and people who struggle with porn can turn out. 

In recent years the church has made huge strides in the right direction in addressing pornography. 

Society can only keep us stuck in the cage with the help of our minds. 

Darcy: So let's discuss the second part of the cage in our mind.

Our mind is a problem-solving machine. It is constantly operating to find problems and solve them. That is how humans have evolved to the point we have today! Our minds are not our best friends when it comes to helping us feel good. What our minds are good at is detecting threats and keeping us alive!

Three principles can help us understand our problem-solving machine.

1. Without our minds, we would be unable to survive and detect threats.
2. Our minds can not be turned off. Even if we could turn off our minds it would be hazardous. For example, if we turned off our minds and we went to cross the street we would not be aware if a car was coming to hit us. Our mind wouldn't be able to alert us to the threat and cause us to react so we didn’t get hit by the car. 
3. Our minds are negative. If we think about our mind as our survival mechanism we don’t want our mind to alert us too late or too infrequently because then we will not be alerted about the real danger in front of us, and we might get killed. Our minds have helped us survive, but what if that same great mind is now getting in the way of our success when it comes to leaving pornography behind forever?

Zach: Our mind is fantastic at solving problems in the outside world. That is why we are all still alive today. However, our minds like to take their problem-solving abilities to our inner world, where the problem-solving machine is no longer very effective.

If you start to become aware of your inner world, which consists of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, urges, and memories you might see how your mind starts to judge things as good or bad. It tries to solve all your inner problems. 

An example of this might look like, I am feeling lonely right now, and your mind says, “I can help you solve that; go look at some porn!”

Darcy: An example of this for the wife might look like; I am feeling scared about what my husband might be doing while I’m away at dinner with my friends, “hey, you should just call and text him to make sure he is ok and behaving.” that will temporally help us feel like we are solving the problem, but in the long run that is no way to live and will keep you stuck in a vicious cycle.

Now that we know this about our minds consider this.

Have you ever had a loving or not-so-loving relative give you advice that was the most absurd piece of advice you have ever received, yet the person giving you the advice was dead set on that they had the right answer to offer you?

Imagine your mind is that relative. Your mind is that relative who is constantly following you around offering you absurd advice. Just like that relative who gives you advice that you pass over, you too can learn to do this with your mind. 

Imagine you are coming home from your mission, and all your relatives are standing at the airport with signs welcoming you home from your mission. They say things like Welcome home Elder Jones, Return with honor, Sister Smith. Job well done! 

Imagine that same scenario in the airport, but now the signs your relatives are holding up are. You are a failure. You’re unworthy.  What is wrong with you? You’re an addict. Your marriage is doomed.  You’ll never make it to the Celestial kingdom.  Just give up already. That is what your brain is often doing. It is holding up big mean nasty signs, and the closer you get to your relatives, the more the signs block out your ability to see anything else around you. 

We often allow the signs our minds hold up to hook us, bring us down, and guide us back into the cage.

In our coaching program, we teach you the skills you need to no longer allow those signs to get in the way and keep you trapped in the cage. Our goal in our program is to help you escape the cage by standing up and walking through the bars that keep you stuck. 

We believe in you! You can do this!! If you don’t yet believe you can walk out of the cage, then set up a consult with us. You can do so at zachspafford.com/workwithme We would love to help you see what is possible for you and your spouse.

Zach-Darcy has some big news to share with all our listeners today!  

Darcy- Today was my first time giving a talk in Sacrament meeting! It went better than I expected. I based my talk on the book Believing Christ. I shared my raw experience with the ward about never feeling good enough and how learning about my Savior and striving to create a relationship with Him gives me the strength to keep going.

Zach- it was a great talk, and I was so proud of her for being brave and vulnerable. 

Darcy- In this episode, we would like to discuss how quitting porn and diets are similar and how we approach the subjects that significantly impact our success.

Zach- We would like to start by recognizing differences in the moral value we place on food versus pornography.  We are not arguing for the two items' moral equivalency.  

Darcy- Our hope with this discussion today is to bring awareness for all parties involved around the similarities between dieting, losing weight, and quitting pornography.

Darcy-  What comes to mind when you think about going on a diet with the end goal of losing weight?

Darcy - Often we think of meal plans, exercise regimes, willpower to stay away from certain favorite foods, good foods and bad foods, and many other short-term measures that will help us lose a certain amount of weight so we can fit into certain clothes or look a certain way.

Darcy -  Now let’s shift from a diet to a lifestyle change in how we eat. 

Zach -  My dad was a great example of this. When I was a kid, he stopped eating meat.  

It stopped being something he felt would help him achieve his values of feeling healthy and comfortable in his body.  He has a condition called gout, and he decided that eating meat wasn’t worth the pain it caused or the medication he would have to take. 

Often, when we approach the struggle to eliminate pornography from our lives, we are given targets, and sometimes we set targets designed to provide us with some distance from the last time we viewed pornography.  We set up internet filters, plan our internet use, seek motivation, and other measures to put barriers up so we can make it a certain amount of time.  

All of these ideas are good and may help improve our capacity to create some wins around our choices. 

If something works for you, then keep doing it. 

It’s also worth noting that for many, achieving a certain amount of success for a short period only to fall back into old patterns can be discouraging, especially if that creates a sense of hopelessness and failure. 

Darcy  - In that process, it is worth considering how the measures you choose to use to mitigate your pornography choices are more like a diet than a lifestyle change.  

To help you do that, I’d like to offer you three ideas that often come up in our work around pornography.  

First: Am I expecting immediate results?

Darcy - One of the first things you’ll see in a diet advertisement is something to the effect of “lose 10 pounds in the first two weeks”.  

Often this is the same mentality that we seek to impose on our process of overcoming pornography from someone who has been using pornography to help manage their thoughts, feelings, and urges.  

Sometimes, this is because our spouse wants that immediate shift which is understandable.  We’ve talked about this in other videos.  Just be clear that starting this process will likely have ups and downs, good days, and learning...]]>Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We are your hosts, Zach and Darcy Spafford.

Zach-Darcy has some big news to share with all our listeners today!  

Darcy- Today was my first time giving a talk in Sacrament meeting! It went better than I expected. I based my talk on the book Believing Christ. I shared my raw experience with the ward about never feeling good enough and how learning about my Savior and striving to create a relationship with Him gives me the strength to keep going.

Zach- it was a great talk, and I was so proud of her for being brave and vulnerable. 

Darcy- In this episode, we would like to discuss how quitting porn and diets are similar and how we approach the subjects that significantly impact our success.

Zach- We would like to start by recognizing differences in the moral value we place on food versus pornography.  We are not arguing for the two items' moral equivalency.  

Darcy- Our hope with this discussion today is to bring awareness for all parties involved around the similarities between dieting, losing weight, and quitting pornography.

Darcy-  What comes to mind when you think about going on a diet with the end goal of losing weight?

Darcy - Often we think of meal plans, exercise regimes, willpower to stay away from certain favorite foods, good foods and bad foods, and many other short-term measures that will help us lose a certain amount of weight so we can fit into certain clothes or look a certain way.

Darcy -  Now let’s shift from a diet to a lifestyle change in how we eat. 

Zach -  My dad was a great example of this. When I was a kid, he stopped eating meat.  

It stopped being something he felt would help him achieve his values of feeling healthy and comfortable in his body.  He has a condition called gout, and he decided that eating meat wasn’t worth the pain it caused or the medication he would have to take. 

Often, when we approach the struggle to eliminate pornography from our lives, we are given targets, and sometimes we set targets designed to provide us with some distance from the last time we viewed pornography.  We set up internet filters, plan our internet use, seek motivation, and other measures to put barriers up so we can make it a certain amount of time.  

All of these ideas are good and may help improve our capacity to create some wins around our choices. 

If something works for you, then keep doing it. 

It’s also worth noting that for many, achieving a certain amount of success for a short period only to fall back into old patterns can be discouraging, especially if that creates a sense of hopelessness and failure. 

Darcy  - In that process, it is worth considering how the measures you choose to use to mitigate your pornography choices are more like a diet than a lifestyle change.  

To help you do that, I’d like to offer you three ideas that often come up in our work around pornography.  

First: Am I expecting immediate results?

Darcy - One of the first things you’ll see in a diet advertisement is something to the effect of “lose 10 pounds in the first two weeks”.  

Often this is the same mentality that we seek to impose on our process of overcoming pornography from someone who has been using pornography to help manage their thoughts, feelings, and urges.  

Sometimes, this is because our spouse wants that immediate shift which is understandable.  We’ve talked about this in other videos.  Just be clear that starting this process will likely have ups and downs, good days, and learning days.  

A diet mentality is about making quick changes that may not be sustainable.  A values-based approach to overcoming pornography and creating the relationships you want is rooted in realizing that you’ll likely need to take strides in the right direction without expecting everything to be perfect in a shortened timeline.  

This is why our Thrive Beyond Pornography for couples has five pillars starting with just reframing the pornography struggle.  We can’t change what we can’t see clearly or understand.  And if we expect immediate results, there is a good chance we have not understood the problem.  

Second: Am I making values-based changes or simply setting a goal?

Goals are essential to measuring and making progress in significant parts of our lives.  

However, they are different and perform different functions.  We discussed this in episodes 108 and 109 in depth.  I’ll link to them in the show notes.

If the underlying value is to be healthy people; one component of how they try to do this is by eating a vegetarian diet. For the purpose of this discussion, I’d like to give the example of my cousin and his wife, who are eating a vegetarian diet for the month of November.  Their goal is to abstain from all meat products for the month. Once that goal is achieved, they will likely return to eating meat at some level. 

You can see how the goal is in the service of the value but is likely to be set aside at the end of the target period. 

We often see overcoming pornography as a goal that needs to be accomplished as quickly as possible.  Then, when a certain period has passed, our brain offers us ideas like, “You’ve done so much; you deserve a break.” and others that break our stride.  

We all know someone who eats very healthily. People who eat healthy all the time, who choose to eat vegetables and fruits, lean meats, and low carbs are about living in line with their values and creating a lifestyle that is in line with their personal integrity.  Similarly, Overcoming pornography forever means moving towards values that do not include pornography-viewing behaviors, like, healthy sexual expression, open discussion of thoughts, feelings and urges, and creating the freedom to play and explore with our spouse. 

Third: Is my plan about willpower and motivation, or does it have skills, practice, and progress at its core?

This last one is a valuable way to look at what my plan looks like.  

If you have not sat down and created a plan, layed out a process and set up a way to practice and progress, then you may be relying on willpower and motivation to kick in at the very moment you need it and then hope it’s there again the next time you need it and so on. 

We know that willpower and motivation are finite resources created by our minds for external threats and problems. I’ve covered this in-depth in episode 38 (which I’ll link to in the show notes.  

The good news is there are specific skills that, if you learn and practice regularly, you can rely on them to automatically kick in when you need them without needing to draw on willpower.  

This is the process of creating a habit of reacting to your brain in ways that follow your values rather than what often happens to many who struggle with pornography. We follow a pattern of moving away from our values and choosing porn.  

This is a process that we offer in our brand new  Move Beyond Pornography portion of our program, with clear, actionable steps to learn and practice so that you create automatic reactions.  

You have likely experienced periods where pornography was not problematic because your motivation and willpower were strong.  I know that was the case for me.  Not just in my struggle with pornography but in all kinds of difficulties. Then, once the motivation decreased and the willpower was all used up, you fell back into old operating methods. 

But, just like brushing your teeth first thing in the morning, if you will build a skills-based habit of reacting to your brain when it offers you pornography, you are more likely to succeed because you don’t have to use a lot of energy to do what is right for you. 

When it’s a habit, it gets done.  When it requires decisions to be made and energy to be expended, it might get done for a while, and then it is likely to fade.  

Just like a diet, if it takes willpower not to eat the chocolate cake, you might succeed.  If it is your habit to never eat chocolate cake, then it is just how you do things.  

Take a look at how you are dealing with your pornography habit and ask yourself: Am I expecting immediate results? Am I making values-based changes or simply setting a goal? Is my plan about willpower and motivation, or does it have skills, practice, and progress at its core?

00:00.00

amandalouder

Welcome back to the podcast. Everyone I'm here with my good friend and fellow coach Zach Spafford hey Zack good. How are you good now you've been on the podcast before with your lovely wife. Darcy she's amazing I love her so much.

00:05.20

Zachary Spafford

Hey how you doing I'm so good.

00:15.40

Zachary Spafford

She's awesome. Yeah.

00:17.94

amandalouder

Um, but maybe you should just introduce yourself again.

00:21.80

Zachary Spafford

I'm Zach Darcy and I are ah the hosts of thrive beyond pornography which is our podcast and we help latter day saint couples who are struggling with pornography in their relationship at some stage whether it's the beginning or you know you've gotten. Pretty far into making sure that pornography's part of your life. Not part of your life. But but ah yeah, so it's it's however, you want? ah but really, ah, we're helping people who are looking to not just eliminate.

00:42.46

amandalouder

Or maybe it is ah.

00:54.91

Zachary Spafford

Ah, habit but really recreate the relationship that they want and then Thrive Beyond pornography in real and meaningful ways. Sweet.

01:02.12

amandalouder

Awesome well Zach and I are really good friends I mean we've been having a lot of fun together lately. Um, and we seem to have always have these really great discussions around different aspects of the gospel.

01:04.37

Zachary Spafford

Um, yeah.

01:13.90

Zachary Spafford

Um, yeah.

01:16.90

amandalouder

That we see that are so problematic for so many of our clients in different aspects. So the topic that we're going to talk tackle today together is modesty now full disclosure. We decided to do this podcast before the new for strength of youth pamphlet came out but.

01:32.79

Zachary Spafford

Totally.

01:36.40

amandalouder

I Think it's still going to be very applicable.

01:39.27

Zachary Spafford

Yeah I Ah wholeheartedly agree with that because I think that even though we have a new guide I Don't think people have really put enough thought into it yet and there will continue to be some trickle down of old ideas.

01:52.29

amandalouder

For sure and so I'm in the young women presidency in my ward. So I see you know firsthand what a lot of these things are happening in real time I also am involved in some Facebook groups for young women leaders and so I see a lot of the young women leaders coming and saying.

02:02.28

Zachary Spafford

Yeah.

02:11.64

amandalouder

Okay, now my girls are coming and saying oh now I get to just do whatever I want and wear whatever I want and all this Stefan. So I think really having this discussion is going to be really great for parents. You know, young men young women, leaders Bishop Ricks and maybe even the youth themselves.

02:28.80

Zachary Spafford

Well I've got ah I've got a little tiny piece of the story that I'm going to tell you later but we met we. We met someone who is on the young women's general boarded im'm going and tell you the rest of that story later because I think it's a really cool story but 1 of the things that she mentioned when we spoke with her was that.

02:35.40

amandalouder

Oh yes, Yes, it's a great story.

02:45.15

Zachary Spafford

The seminary teachers and the people on the front lines of this The people who are the the adults teachers of youth in our wards but she was specifically referencing a seminary teacher who had...]]>I'm Joined by my friend Amanda Louder from Sex For Saints and Amandalouder.com

00:00.00

amandalouder

Welcome back to the podcast. Everyone I'm here with my good friend and fellow coach Zach Spafford hey Zack good. How are you good now you've been on the podcast before with your lovely wife. Darcy she's amazing I love her so much.

00:05.20

Zachary Spafford

Hey how you doing I'm so good.

00:15.40

Zachary Spafford

She's awesome. Yeah.

00:17.94

amandalouder

Um, but maybe you should just introduce yourself again.

00:21.80

Zachary Spafford

I'm Zach Darcy and I are ah the hosts of thrive beyond pornography which is our podcast and we help latter day saint couples who are struggling with pornography in their relationship at some stage whether it's the beginning or you know you've gotten. Pretty far into making sure that pornography's part of your life. Not part of your life. But but ah yeah, so it's it's however, you want? ah but really, ah, we're helping people who are looking to not just eliminate.

00:42.46

amandalouder

Or maybe it is ah.

00:54.91

Zachary Spafford

Ah, habit but really recreate the relationship that they want and then Thrive Beyond pornography in real and meaningful ways. Sweet.

01:02.12

amandalouder

Awesome well Zach and I are really good friends I mean we've been having a lot of fun together lately. Um, and we seem to have always have these really great discussions around different aspects of the gospel.

01:04.37

Zachary Spafford

Um, yeah.

01:13.90

Zachary Spafford

Um, yeah.

01:16.90

amandalouder

That we see that are so problematic for so many of our clients in different aspects. So the topic that we're going to talk tackle today together is modesty now full disclosure. We decided to do this podcast before the new for strength of youth pamphlet came out but.

01:32.79

Zachary Spafford

Totally.

01:36.40

amandalouder

I Think it's still going to be very applicable.

01:39.27

Zachary Spafford

Yeah I Ah wholeheartedly agree with that because I think that even though we have a new guide I Don't think people have really put enough thought into it yet and there will continue to be some trickle down of old ideas.

01:52.29

amandalouder

For sure and so I'm in the young women presidency in my ward. So I see you know firsthand what a lot of these things are happening in real time I also am involved in some Facebook groups for young women leaders and so I see a lot of the young women leaders coming and saying.

02:02.28

Zachary Spafford

Yeah.

02:11.64

amandalouder

Okay, now my girls are coming and saying oh now I get to just do whatever I want and wear whatever I want and all this Stefan. So I think really having this discussion is going to be really great for parents. You know, young men young women, leaders Bishop Ricks and maybe even the youth themselves.

02:28.80

Zachary Spafford

Well I've got ah I've got a little tiny piece of the story that I'm going to tell you later but we met we. We met someone who is on the young women's general boarded im'm going and tell you the rest of that story later because I think it's a really cool story but 1 of the things that she mentioned when we spoke with her was that.

02:35.40

amandalouder

Oh yes, Yes, it's a great story.

02:45.15

Zachary Spafford

The seminary teachers and the people on the front lines of this The people who are the the adults teachers of youth in our wards but she was specifically referencing a seminary teacher who had come to her and was like I don't know how to discuss this because of exactly that sentiment which was. I Can just do whatever I want now because it doesn't say that I have to follow this rule and I don't think that that's the meaning of this and I'll I'll tell you more about that. Ah, our conversation with her. But I think that we really have to be clear as the adults in the room that it doesn't just mean well.

03:05.00

amandalouder

Yes. No.

03:21.31

Zachary Spafford

It means you can do whatever you want right? because you have agency you always could have though right? you always could have done whatever you wanted. However is that driving you towards the the person that you want to be towards your values and towards the the gospel that you want to live and and more importantly than that.

03:21.45

amandalouder

For sure because you always can have been able to do whatever you want? yeah.

03:36.73

amandalouder

Exactly 100% so maybe I mean for the people who don't understand why the past you know we guidelines we've been given around modesty.

03:40.87

Zachary Spafford

Towards your heavenly father.

03:46.79

Zachary Spafford

Yeah.

03:53.80

amandalouder

Have been problematic. Maybe we should talk about that first.

03:57.00

Zachary Spafford

Yeah, well and maybe this is a good place to tell my story because so I'm going to I want to be really clear about this I'm not I'm going to be speaking about my current stake president. So I want to be really clear I'm not trying to underbuss him I'm not trying to um. Say he's totally wrong and I'm totally right I want to be really clear and respectful of the culture that has been the culture of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints in Utah specifically but also possibly in other parts of the country and.

04:24.59

amandalouder

Yes, yes.

04:30.94

Zachary Spafford

Maybe even parts of the world I Want to be respectful of that because I think that this is where we were and many people are still there and so this is really about being willing and able to not just think Beyond the rules but think more towards um.

04:31.83

amandalouder

Ah, yeah.

04:36.31

amandalouder

Me.

04:49.36

Zachary Spafford

Agency and spirituality in in a new and more I think important and effective way.

04:53.66

amandalouder

Yeah, and again I Also want to be clear both of you. Both of us are strong members of the church. We love the gospel. We love our leaders like we're not here to bash our leaders in any way shape or form. But I think and you and I.

05:05.70

Zachary Spafford

No absolutely no.

05:11.98

amandalouder

Agree on this. We have seen a maturing happening um president Nelson I think has been really instrumental in that that you know as a membership as a church. We need to move beyond the checklist and mature into a more.

05:21.76

Zachary Spafford

Um, yeah.

05:27.76

Zachary Spafford

Yes.

05:31.16

amandalouder

Empowered integrity-based agency-based way of living our lives and um I think you agree with me on this that my belief is that many of us are feeling this calling of becoming life coaches to help the individuals.

05:49.63

Zachary Spafford

Yeah I think that's really important I Also think it's important to recognize and just say upfront that you and I we're not speaking for the church. That's not her job. Well these are our opinions. These are our positions I believe they're well considered. But I also recognize that we are not.

05:50.11

amandalouder

Adjust to that change.

05:56.26

amandalouder

No, we're not That's not our job. Yes, yes.

06:08.15

Zachary Spafford

Speaking in any sort of official capacity for the church of Jesus Christ of Latterday saints. So all of those caveats aside what's the problem here. Yeah so about a year and a half ago. Our daughters came home. Ah, and I think this story just encapsulates the problem in itself. Our daughters came home with.

06:11.77

amandalouder

Correct. Yeah yes, okay so tell your story because we want to hear it.

06:23.60

amandalouder

Here.

06:27.39

Zachary Spafford

A packing list for young women's camp and it was like no shorts, no tight Pants. No Tank tops. It was very proscriptive. It was like all of these really? um, specific guidelines around what the young women were to wear to camp and are. Sons came home and I kid you not This is a direct quote from their packing list wear clothes appropriate for camping right? and so you know I'm talking about this with a member of our ward and he's like well that's for their safety and I'm like um I think you're incorrect there. But.

06:55.23

amandalouder

Yes, ah.

07:05.77

Zachary Spafford

He can't think out so he could not think his way out of a wet paper bag. So I just dropped it with him but what I did do was I actually just had my temple recommend interview already scheduled and I said to a member of the state presidency. We think this is a problematic way of addressing things and we're concerned that this is what.

07:11.31

amandalouder

Um.

07:25.72

Zachary Spafford

Is being taught to our children not because we don't teach them about how to respect themselves and respect their bodies but because what this message sends is a message that your body is dangerous and it's not okay for you to be comfortable in your body. Even if that means that someone else sees more of you than they think they ought to and so this was really interesting I mentioned it to him I said this is problematic and you know whatever we get a call from the.

07:45.61

amandalouder

Yes.

07:57.70

Zachary Spafford

Ah, State Secretary State Executive secretary and he's like hey the State president would like to meet with you.

08:07.10

Zachary Spafford

Okay, um, all right? Well and so he brings us in and he's like well you know we we checked around with other members of the steak and we just don't have an appetite currently. For changing this rule so Darcy and I proceeded to explain to him why it's a bad idea to have this rule and we're going to probably talk about some of these things more in detail here in a minute but we we really so were striving to convey to him that this way of thinking. Creates some really difficult meaning frames for the for the young women right? if I write if I have to control what I wear so that I can help the boys out so that they don't think bad thoughts which is.

08:46.91

amandalouder

Yeah.

08:57.41

amandalouder

Well and Teenage boys know you have breasts under your shirt whether you're they're covered or not and guess what That's what they should actually be thinking about oh new idea I know.

08:57.89

Zachary Spafford

Well, it doesn't matter what you're wearing if a guy thinks you're Hot. He's going to think that the thoughts he's going to think right. Write write. Yeah, right? So So we offered our opinion to the State president and in part of the conversation. He said you know well the for strength of youth is the for strength of youth pamphlet of the time is the guideline and I straight said to him I said you know that's not.

09:16.60

amandalouder

But yes, keep going.

09:32.27

Zachary Spafford

Doctrine right? and he yeah yeah.

09:32.55

amandalouder

Which a lot of people do consider it doctrine which is crazy to me I mean I've had this discussion with so many people like no, it's doctrine doctrine doesn't change the first strength of youth pamphlet changes consistently. Yeah, yeah.

09:44.36

Zachary Spafford

Right? Yeah, if you read the one from the 1960 s you'll be real surprised, but my my point in saying that to him was like I understand what you're saying in that the the brethren have offered this ah to us as a guideline. However. Think it's really clear that some of the language in here can become problematic if we don't teach it properly and that was really the extent of our conversation. Although I will tell you that afterward after that conversation. The state presidency was speaking to our then elders corn president who.

10:04.89

amandalouder

Yes.

10:19.63

Zachary Spafford

Just happens to be our good friend and neighbor and he was like who are these spaffords and my my friend was like well they're not Utah mormons which which to which the state president replied. Ah, there's no such thing as a Utah mormon to which my friend replied.

10:27.11

amandalouder

Um. Oh and go back.

10:38.81

Zachary Spafford

You know what? I mean which which is which is simply to say that there is a culture that is purveyed here locally and in some parts of the country that is very much Um, you know these are the rules and we follow these rules and we look like this and we always will look like this.

10:52.40

amandalouder

Yeah, yes.

10:57.32

Zachary Spafford

And I think it's really important to recognize that This is a global church and um and this is something that the the person that we spoke to who's part of the young women's general board said she said we have to stop creating rules for middle class upper middle class white people. That's a direct quote.

11:15.92

amandalouder

Um, okay.

11:17.60

Zachary Spafford

Um, and and really because because for us that I think all those rules might have made sense to a certain degree but they do but they don't necessarily reflect the reality on the ground in every part of the world and that's why like you said we we did not plan to talk about this.

11:23.30

amandalouder

To a certain degree. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

11:36.44

Zachary Spafford

Ah, new for strength of Youth pamphlet. But um, the furtherance of this story so that we ended that conversation I Pretty much felt like we were not listened to and that may not be true I'm I'm only speaking from my own personal perspective I'm not trying to again I'm not trying to tell. Tell you guys that my state President's a bad person because he's not.. He's a really good kind Human I Just think sometimes it's hard, especially when you're in a position of leadership and very new to that position of leadership. It's hard to think Beyond what you believe is exactly what you're supposed to do and.

11:54.19

amandalouder

No.

12:07.57

amandalouder

Well and we've been this way of thinking has been perpetuated for many many many many years and if again if you've been living you know, especially in Utah but in some areas outside of that and I mean I have I went to high school back east. I lived in Texas as an adult like I haven't lived in Utah my entire life and but it is very prevalent within Utah community I would say it's still prevalent some places outside but not as much. So yeah.

12:35.72

Zachary Spafford

Sure? Yeah I would agree with that. So so fast forward a little bit. Um so fast forward almost a year and a half to the latest general conference and the new for strength of youth pamphlet comes out and I just. I text the state president I said hey Darcy and I would love to do a standards night on the new for strength of youth pamphlet because these are the things that we talk about and we have been talking about this for years and you've heard us talk about these things right? and it was really um and this this is again. This is on me. It's 100 % on me I'm not.

13:01.30

amandalouder

Yeah, um, hundred percent yeah

13:12.27

Zachary Spafford

Putting anything on the state president. But I I did not get a response ah and for me I felt like that meant that I was I don't belong and it was a really hard weekend for me I'll be ah I'll be really honest with you. Ah, the thoughts of I should leave this church I should.

13:22.56

amandalouder

Yeah, yeah.

13:31.00

Zachary Spafford

Ah, take my family away from these people who do not value our ideas or position or thoughts who are just willing to ignore us outright rather than be open to a dialogue and a conversation about what I believe to be the direction of the gospel.

13:44.46

amandalouder

A.

13:49.48

Zachary Spafford

Which is personal accountability personal revelation and both understanding and living the principles of the gospel without necessarily making it all about rules specifically so it was a really very tough weekend for me.

13:59.86

amandalouder

Yes, Well and I'm so sorry that you felt that way I mean I remember we were actually messaging back and forth when they were introducing this new for strength of Youth Pamphlet really feeling so encouraged by the direction. You know we still I think both of us feel like there are still some parts that might be a little problematic but for the most part It's a really good direction. Yeah.

14:22.77

Zachary Spafford

I Think it's I think it's exactly the right step and so after that weekend I just decided I'm I'm in I'm all in it's not about him and it's not about what he thinks it's about me living the Gospel Fast forward a little bit more that weekend. So the follow of the weekend after conference we went to dinner.

14:33.35

amandalouder

Yeah.

14:41.50

Zachary Spafford

With some coach friends of ours because we only ever hang out with coaches. That's not true, but it kind of seems like it didn't all the my stories and and we're at dinner and we are talking about these things where like you know it's It's about.

14:47.92

amandalouder

It kind of just seems like it I think that's true for many of us too. Not just you guys? yeah.

15:00.71

Zachary Spafford

Taking personal responsibility. It's about um, not just having a rule but living based on the values that you have and and just we were just discussing that with these this older couple who are also coaches or she's a coach and ah we get up to leave and this guy stops us he's like hey. Can I talk to you and we're like ah and it turns out that the that his wife is a member of the young women's general board and I'm not going to mention her name not because ah I Just don't want it I don't want it to seem like this is being endorsed by the church. That's all, um, I'm just telling you this story. So.

15:21.57

amandalouder

Oh that's little ominous. Ah.

15:30.57

amandalouder

Yeah, right.

15:38.91

Zachary Spafford

There it is you do whatever you want with it and she says I'm we're so glad you've caught the vision of this and I'm like we've been done Ben had the...]]>8e104871-6acd-4f5d-896c-621643a8f08eSun, 13 Nov 2022 23:45:00 -060058:01falsefull167167Part Three - Darcy and Zach's Story - Getting to Thrive Beyond PornographySet up a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach

Hey, everybody and welcome to thrive beyond pornography I'm Zach and this is Darcy Hello all right so last week. We talked about what was going on for us as we grew up Darcy and I kind of gave you the the foundation of of what we grew up with. How we got kind of the ideas that we got in our heads about pornography and sexuality and and all of the really interesting stuff about when we were babies when we were little kids and all the way up into our teen years and right after I got home from my mission. Essentially this week. We want to talk about. We want to start with how we met so the story that I always tell is that I was walking out of the buffalo Grove Illinois singles branch with a girl that I thought was cute and I was like hey let's go on a date and then I saw Darcy. And I immediately turned around and went and as she was walking into the building I immediately was like oh hey I'll see you later and I turned around and walked back in the building with Darcia went to church because they were leaving to that girl and so I thought oh maybe I missed it. Maybe I am at the wrong time and so I happen to say hey. Is this singles branch right now because I was confused by the fact that they were leaving the church not entering and he said oh yeah, it is let me show you and he like walked me in yeah, that was how we met it sounds way more romantic when it's just like that I ditch this other girl.

01:31.96

But the truth is I was the ward mission leader and I was like yeah I'll help you out but she was a cutie and in Buffalo grove there were less cuties than there than there are in other places so I was like hey let's talk. Let's date. Let's this is after my mission so I was I was on the I was on the hunt. Was trying to find a wife that started us that was Thanksgiving break I was home from Byu Idaho and I was considering moving home and my roommates were worried that if I moved home being that I was. The only member in my family and I had only been a member for about a year they were worried that I would go inactive and they and so I I was like I will promise I promise I'll go to church and so I kept my promise to my roommates and I went to church and that is when I met Zach and I asked her out on a date and we we went to fhe yeah that was the date is that what it was yeah and then ah and then our first real date we went was over Christmas break. Yeah over Christmas break and I had I'd gotten really sick and darcy. Was so desperate that she called me. Yeah, well it was funny because because I did like I was so sick I didn't call her I didn't even think about her I was dying between Thanksgiving and Christmas we were like doing I am I think it was Aol I don't know some kind of messaging system back in the day and so we were chatting online and he was like hey.

03:04.43

When you get back I want to take you to the zoo to see the lights. It'll be super cool and still'll never seen the lights to this day I've never seen the lights and then I get home right? and I'm waiting for this phone call because clearly he's going to call me and nothing. He just totally. Stood me up and I was like wow I'm kind of surprised I because he's and I thought I thought he was kind of into me and I guess he's not anyways. But after like a week of being at home with just my family. Was pretty desperate to hang out with someone that was my age and so I called Zach which that's way against my like code of operation I would never call a boy or you know hold a boy's hand or hug a boy like the boys had to make the moves and so. Me calling him was a really big deal and it was actually December Twenty third and he said oh I'm so sorry I've been so sick I'm finally starting to feel better. Do you want to go out and so we went to Gurney Mills yeah it's like a little out. Like a mall It's sping a large mall. Yeah I guess it's not little yeah and we had chinese food and we went Christmas shopping for our moms super and the]]>00:00.00

Hey, everybody and welcome to thrive beyond pornography I'm Zach and this is Darcy Hello all right so last week. We talked about what was going on for us as we grew up Darcy and I kind of gave you the the foundation of of what we grew up with. How we got kind of the ideas that we got in our heads about pornography and sexuality and and all of the really interesting stuff about when we were babies when we were little kids and all the way up into our teen years and right after I got home from my mission. Essentially this week. We want to talk about. We want to start with how we met so the story that I always tell is that I was walking out of the buffalo Grove Illinois singles branch with a girl that I thought was cute and I was like hey let's go on a date and then I saw Darcy. And I immediately turned around and went and as she was walking into the building I immediately was like oh hey I'll see you later and I turned around and walked back in the building with Darcia went to church because they were leaving to that girl and so I thought oh maybe I missed it. Maybe I am at the wrong time and so I happen to say hey. Is this singles branch right now because I was confused by the fact that they were leaving the church not entering and he said oh yeah, it is let me show you and he like walked me in yeah, that was how we met it sounds way more romantic when it's just like that I ditch this other girl.

01:31.96

But the truth is I was the ward mission leader and I was like yeah I'll help you out but she was a cutie and in Buffalo grove there were less cuties than there than there are in other places so I was like hey let's talk. Let's date. Let's this is after my mission so I was I was on the I was on the hunt. Was trying to find a wife that started us that was Thanksgiving break I was home from Byu Idaho and I was considering moving home and my roommates were worried that if I moved home being that I was. The only member in my family and I had only been a member for about a year they were worried that I would go inactive and they and so I I was like I will promise I promise I'll go to church and so I kept my promise to my roommates and I went to church and that is when I met Zach and I asked her out on a date and we we went to fhe yeah that was the date is that what it was yeah and then ah and then our first real date we went was over Christmas break. Yeah over Christmas break and I had I'd gotten really sick and darcy. Was so desperate that she called me. Yeah, well it was funny because because I did like I was so sick I didn't call her I didn't even think about her I was dying between Thanksgiving and Christmas we were like doing I am I think it was Aol I don't know some kind of messaging system back in the day and so we were chatting online and he was like hey.

03:04.43

When you get back I want to take you to the zoo to see the lights. It'll be super cool and still'll never seen the lights to this day I've never seen the lights and then I get home right? and I'm waiting for this phone call because clearly he's going to call me and nothing. He just totally. Stood me up and I was like wow I'm kind of surprised I because he's and I thought I thought he was kind of into me and I guess he's not anyways. But after like a week of being at home with just my family. Was pretty desperate to hang out with someone that was my age and so I called Zach which that's way against my like code of operation I would never call a boy or you know hold a boy's hand or hug a boy like the boys had to make the moves and so. Me calling him was a really big deal and it was actually December Twenty third and he said oh I'm so sorry I've been so sick I'm finally starting to feel better. Do you want to go out and so we went to Gurney Mills yeah it's like a little out. Like a mall It's sping a large mall. Yeah I guess it's not little yeah and we had chinese food and we went Christmas shopping for our moms super and the very first store we walked into this guy we walked in there like we had known each other in real terms like face to face maybe like a total of 3 hours

04:39.18

Yeah, and this guy who's in this store. He's like oh are you guys here to register for your wedding. It was so awkward because we were like looking at bulls or something to buy his mom or silverware. Maybe I can't remember yeah but we're like no actually we basically just met. That guy and then three. We only later were basically registering for our wedding if only we could find that guy be like you started something I don't know so we got engaged. We got married. We're going to fast forward a little bit here and we were I mean we just spent that first year or so dealing with being newlyweds. And one of the things that you know was a bump in the road was Darcy found some bikini pictures that I had been looking at online when we were at at school at Rick's ah bewayu idaho at that point and that was a tough thing for her. Um, you know I had I had. Basically given her the impression that I never struggled with anything and that and that she didn't need to worry about me and then here comes this kind of blindside as she's maybe you must have been on our computer or our family computer. Yeah, and you find. I mean it was like calendar pictures or something like it wasn't anything super illicit. But for me at that point it was I was upset about it. Yeah, tell him how upset you were oh I was very upset I remember calling my friend Aubrey like i.

06:15.18

Pretty much always collabery and just talking to her and telling her how upset I was and then through that conversation I had found out about the book that he talked about in the last episode that his cousin had given to him and it just it was pretty upsetting to me. And it definitely laid a foundation for a lot of secrecy and a lot of hiding because I was very much like no this isn't okay, this won't be in my marriage and if you do this? Basically I'm I'm leaving like I won't be married to a man who who does this. I got really good at hiding it I got good at hiding what was going on for me I got good at hiding who I really was I got good at hiding my emotions from Darcy and I think and you know you would probably say this you were not really a safe person for me to talk to. And to share what was actually happening for me. Yeah I mean I would say that now look yeah back. But then you would definitely then I would then you would have said why aren't you a better husband to me. Yeah, why don't why don't you make it all better and be my knight in charning armor. So that was that was tough that was a difficult time for both of us partly because. We were learning how to be grownups together but also because I couldn't be really real with her with you. So so we got married in 2003 yeah, and then if if we fast forward to 2008 that was.

07:48.44

September of 2008 was when I was using tax work laptop and I opened it and there was like what I would consider full-blown pornography and I was shocked I was definitely not expecting it. You know we'd been married. For 5 years at this point and we had just had a miscarriage three days prior um that like landed me in the er ambulance ride all of that good stuff and so I was in a pretty low place to begin with. And then seeing that on his laptop just was more than I could handle. It was pretty devastating and looking back I can tell you now that I was definitely using pornography as a way to manage with the emotional difficulty of that time. It was a. Was very stressful I was at a corporate job and I was starting my Mba and then we have this miscarriage and there's a lot going on for me as I'm doing all of that work and I didn't know how to be emotionally vulnerable with darcy capable of like. Saying hey, um, and and to be honest, at that point I I thought well I just need to I just need to get a release I need to get you know some I just need to get an orgasm essentially I just I just need to manage my emotions or manage my ah my sexual urges so I can be there for all the other things that have to happen.

09:23.20

Can be 100 % for all those other things so that was me just kind of going into this place where all I was doing was managing myself mentally and emotionally through pornography and I wasn't I wasn't actually dealing with the grief of having this miscarriage and. The stress of dealing with both an Mba and a pretty demanding corporate job. So there was a lot going on there 3 kids in three and a half years oh yeah not to mention 3 kids in two and a half years and buying our first house. Yeah, we just we had a lot There was a very busy time in our lab a lot of stress going on I mean. Look. It's funny because looking back I could definitely Lee say like oh that wasn't that bad right? But when you're in the thick of it feels really heavy and like yeah a lot of hard things. So yeah and I mean we were moving forward. It wasn't like we were depressed and freaking out. Over everything but I can see now that the way I was dealing with things was just not as healthy as I wanted it to be and that was that was painful for me because I wanted to be this person that that I showed you that I pretended to you that I was and I wasn't I just wasn't that guy. And it was just this behind the scenes struggle on again off again, never succeeding always trying and you know that's the night that Darcy took that laptop. She was so upset and she just took that laptop and threw it down the stairs it survived it survived. Thankfully it didn't get broken but man.

10:55.66

I mean that was a real indicator to me that I can't I can't be real with Darcy if I'm struggling I have to manage that on my own and I just have to be there for her I have to manage her emotions I have to manage what's going on for her and that was tough that was really tough for me. And and for me, it got me to this place where I was super angry I super depressed I really struggled to take care of our kids. Um I I really was not in a good place and I had to hide. Like it was all hiding like I could not show anything real to Darcy I had to hide what was going on for me I had to hide anything that even if I came home and I was stressed about work like Darcy would ask. Are you gonna get fired and it was like no I'm not I'm not getting fired I just have work. I had a lot of anxiety around pretty much everything I would say at yeah that point and ah when I found out you know we met with our bishop and he is a very nice man and we love him to this day and we actually still talk to him to this day. Yeah, and but he he definitely he took away x recommend he? Um, yeah, this was this was essentially the beginning of this like long list of bishops. We started talking to and long list of therapists while.

12:30.74

zspafford

Climbing the corporate ladder and then going to 12 step meetings. I mean it was just we were looking for help in every corner of the earth that we could possibly imagine finding it and at at that point we lived in Franklin Wisconsin and so we drove about 2 hours down I don't remember exactly where I go somewhere like maybe it was. It was a Chicago suburb. Yes, somewhere in Chicago land ah to go to ldest family services because that was the closest eldest family services counselor and it was basically the closest person that would be able to talk to us. As a therapist who also shared some of our belief structures. So you know we thought you know if I go to a regular therapist. They're going to be like well who cares if you look at porn. But if I go to an Lds family services therapist. They're going to know that I'm dealing with an addiction and that I'm addicted to porn and. They'll know what to do to help me solve this and the truth was they had no idea and they didn't have any tools and they didn't have any skills and they didn't know how to help guide us through this process and that was you know that that was frustrating looking back. It was just this massive waste of time and resources. Of belief and energy I mean it's just unfortunate that there weren't better resources at the time. Yeah to be honest and then three months after me finding out we were pregnant with what would be our our fifth but fourth living child.

14:04.10

zspafford

And we just kept on kept on going and then in 2009 we moved to California Zach had gotten a promotion from work and we moved to California which was a huge step for us and that had been a year you know it was exactly it was like exactly a year from finding out because we moved in September and so from for that during that year you know we were meeting with therapists and everybody I was under the impression that Zach was just squeaky clean, perfect. Not struggling at all right? And so. When we got to California and I found out that oh by the way I've been lying to you the last year then it was like low blow it it once again like brought me back down into that spiral of just depression and. Anxiety and you know trying to control him and just a really bad place for me. Honestly, it was not a good time in my life and I'd say it was probably the hardest year of my life and ah I'll never forget. We went to this Lds therapist. There she was in our stake and someone recommended her and I remember sitting in her home. She had a home office and she said to me is there any other way you can respond to Zach looking at porn besides angry and she was just like so sweet and so kind and calm and I was like no.

15:39.83

zspafford

So I'm angry I'm so angry and I'm just so angry and I'm like so full of like rage and emotions and I like got up and I walked out of her office I walked out her front door and I walked home. It was like probably a mile mile and a half and. I walked home all by myself and which that was kind of a big deal for me, but it kind of gives you an idea of where I was and what I was dealing with and that I was willing to just like get up and walk home by myself. Rather than kind of try and figure out you know? Okay, why is she asking me this. You know be curious about that question I just I couldn't see anything besides red anger. Yeah, it was tough I remember just sitting in that room with with the counselor after you left. And I was like I don't know what to do I know that if I leave right now I'm not gonna make it any better. So I'm gonna stay here with you because I was I was honestly scared I was like I have no idea what to do? You're the you're the therapist tell me what to do tell me how to deal with this tell me how to solve this problem. That my wife doesn't storm out of rooms with people because of what I'm doing yeah it was that this was the time when you were like oh well, if you're gonna look at porn. You're gonna fat wife yeah, and then I started eating.

17:12.76

zspafford

Started eating to manage my emotions which I had never done up until that point. Um, it was a very clear decision that I had made that oh well, you're gonna look at porn. That's it like I'm I'm no longer going to.

17:32.60

zspafford

Strive to be this perfect hot wife that you know I felt like I was up until that point. Yeah, and yeah, it was. It was hard but we stayed together. Yeah, and we got pregnant. We had we were pregnant with our. Fifth and sixth and this was the point that that I was I was a bit upset with this cause I was done at four kids and I think this is probably when we got pregnant with our fifth and sixth. This was probably the point where I decided that. Or began to push back on the idea that I have to give Darcy absolutely everything just because she wants it since I'm a bad husband because I have this pornography struggle and I was I continued to try and manage her through. Trying to make it so that she had anything and everything she wanted because she wanted it even though it wasn't necessarily good for our family or good for her good for me or or our finances finances. It was just one of those things where. She asked for it I would give it to her because I felt like I owed it to her because I was such a bad husband so we have the twins man I was pretty upset about it actually which I'm not proud of at this point but it was a moment that I can recognize.

19:01.55

zspafford

Began this process of me saying no I'm not going to just say yes to you just because because that's you know that landed us in a place where we had 6 kids 7 and under and it was an enormous strain on our lives just an enormous strain. They were so cute though they were. If. You're friends with us on Facebook you can see them. They're cute. They're adorable. They're good kids and I I was going to so I was at that point I was meeting with a bishop but I had a therapist and I was going to 12 step meetings and 1 hand I was going to the 12 step support. Yeah for wives and. Plus we had all these freaking kids who you know needed to get to school and needed to get their schoolwork done and diapers changed I mean if you've never had twins. It's very different sometimes people come to us and they're like oh you've got twins I had two kids close together. And it's just it's got to be just like having twins and I'm like nope it's not it is for like no, we've done that we've had kids as about as close as you can get them. Twins is a really really stressful thing if if you had twins first you you probably have Noah you had no idea how much easier 1 baby was yeah so. I'm going to these 12 step meetings one night after I I go meet with the bishop and then I go to the 12 steps and I'm getting home at like who knows what time of the night and d'arcy meets me at the door and she's just like I I don't need you to go to these meetings anymore. Nothing's getting It's not getting better.

20:37.15

zspafford

And I just need you here to change diapers I remember at that point like we had a calendar that we would Mark like good day good day good day good day and then like an x for a bad day. You know like we were like keeping track and we are very much like stuck in that addiction model betrayal trauma. Perfection is the only possibility here. It's perfection or nothing. It was a very difficult time for both of us and I can I can tell you she was very much distraught like for her to say I mean you've heard how much energy she put into all of this anger and frustration. Up to this point when she learned that I was looking at porn and for her to come to me and say listen, forget it I don't care if you look at porn I just need you to be here to change diapers and put babies to bed because I physically cannot handle it all on my own That's how much it cost her to say that I mean it was big. And for me that was this moment where simultaneously a couple things happened number 1 I knew that I still wanted to resolve this problem. It wasn't like when she said listen I don't care if you look at porn that wasn't some sort of absolution where all of the sudden I was like. Oh yeah, I'll just look at porn all the time and it's not a big deal I'm I'm going to do whatever I want and I think oftentimes this happens for a lot of people where they wear their spouse or somebody they let go of some part of whatever it is. They're dealing with and we think that there's this.

22:12.90

zspafford

Slippery slope that's automatically going to take them all the way down to the bottom and they're going to become I don't know serial killers or whatever but the truth is that's not what happened for me and I doubt that happens for most people I think most of the time once you let go of something you can actually start to grab onto what you actually want and actually need. And when she let go of that. She really let it be my...]]>5fe99972-5bc7-4a2e-a81b-1d4c9f8de873Sun, 30 Oct 2022 23:45:00 -060031:10falsefull165165Part One - The Spafford's Tell their Storyzachspafford.com

Becoming a thriving couple becoming individuals who are thriving on our own and hopefully you guys have been doing the same for yourselves. So we want to focus on. And and this is the second thing that you'll probably notice as we go forward. Is you know we're going to continue to focus on individuals who have struggled to overcome pornography. We are also going to integrate what was once separate coaching for individuals to couples and those in relationships. Who want to not just eliminate a pornography struggle from their lives. But really begin to move past that and begin to thrive and begin to create growth and intimacy in their most valuable relationships. Darcy and I have worked on that a lot ourselves we we found that. And and I've said this to so many people as they've come through and done a consult with me or just talked to us in random places at random times because people stop us and they're like hey you talk about porn all the time. Yeah, absolutely. Um and I've said this so many times it's when the couple. Really does the work together is when the relationship moves forward the most effectively and it's also when the person who struggles with pornography is able to move forward most effectively. It's when the person who doesn't struggle with pornography who may feel wounded and.

Oftentimes the word betrayed comes out and they are trying to find a new reality that they're proud of we we want to help both those people we want to help spouses. We want to help the person who struggles. So that's why we're changing. From from the self-mastery podcast to thrive beyond pornography. Additionally, we are going to change some of the things that we do in our coaching our coaching will now offer more to both spouses as they work together to move forward. Through and then beyond the struggles that have been keeping them from thriving. So if you've been listening to our podcast long enough. You've probably noticed that we don't just say hey remove pornography and everything's going to be amazing. And one of the things that we realized in our own journey was that just stopping the behavior of Zach turning to pornography did not necessarily create the thriving marriage that we wanted the intimacy and the connection. And the sexual relationship that we wanted. It was a great thing and it was exciting when he did stop turning for pornography but it it wasn't the answer to creating the thriving marriage that we wanted to yeah it didn't help heal.

Everything that needed to be healed and it didn't give us necessarily the tools to actually enjoy each other to not make it problematic when something went wrong and to you know, keep from creating long-term rifts in our in our...]]>Hey, everybody welcome to our podcast I think you guys probably noticed something that there was no intro music. did you did you guys notice that did you notice that Darcy I don't know because I can't hear it. So. If you notice that there was no welcome to episode number 163 this is the one hundred and sixty third episode of our podcast the podcast that I've been producing since October of 2019 so that's kind of cool and you probably notice that there's no intro music or intro. Whatever. That we usually hear every time you turn on the podcast. We're changing. We're growing and we're looking to become hopefully more valuable to you as we do that. So the very first thing that I want you to know from us is that there's a name change. You might have noticed that. Maybe when you open up your app this morning for the first time in a week that that the name of the podcast has changed to thrive beyond pornography or it might not be updated yet depend. Yeah on you might know same device to use. It can sometimes take a week for that to like process through. Apple Podcasts or Amazon or Spotify wherever you're listening from that said, the reason we changed. The name is a really important one and d'arcy and I have we've kind of worked a lot on thriving.

Becoming a thriving couple becoming individuals who are thriving on our own and hopefully you guys have been doing the same for yourselves. So we want to focus on. And and this is the second thing that you'll probably notice as we go forward. Is you know we're going to continue to focus on individuals who have struggled to overcome pornography. We are also going to integrate what was once separate coaching for individuals to couples and those in relationships. Who want to not just eliminate a pornography struggle from their lives. But really begin to move past that and begin to thrive and begin to create growth and intimacy in their most valuable relationships. Darcy and I have worked on that a lot ourselves we we found that. And and I've said this to so many people as they've come through and done a consult with me or just talked to us in random places at random times because people stop us and they're like hey you talk about porn all the time. Yeah, absolutely. Um and I've said this so many times it's when the couple. Really does the work together is when the relationship moves forward the most effectively and it's also when the person who struggles with pornography is able to move forward most effectively. It's when the person who doesn't struggle with pornography who may feel wounded and.

Oftentimes the word betrayed comes out and they are trying to find a new reality that they're proud of we we want to help both those people we want to help spouses. We want to help the person who struggles. So that's why we're changing. From from the self-mastery podcast to thrive beyond pornography. Additionally, we are going to change some of the things that we do in our coaching our coaching will now offer more to both spouses as they work together to move forward. Through and then beyond the struggles that have been keeping them from thriving. So if you've been listening to our podcast long enough. You've probably noticed that we don't just say hey remove pornography and everything's going to be amazing. And one of the things that we realized in our own journey was that just stopping the behavior of Zach turning to pornography did not necessarily create the thriving marriage that we wanted the intimacy and the connection. And the sexual relationship that we wanted. It was a great thing and it was exciting when he did stop turning for pornography but it it wasn't the answer to creating the thriving marriage that we wanted to yeah it didn't help heal.

Everything that needed to be healed and it didn't give us necessarily the tools to actually enjoy each other to not make it problematic when something went wrong and to you know, keep from creating long-term rifts in our in our relationship. So what's this look like for you. Well we're gonna keep producing all the same great content that we have. We're gonna continue to be here every single week. We're gonna work to integrate the relationships into each podcast that we produce and and that we offer sometimes you're gonna hear Darcy. Alone and sometimes you're gonna hear me alone and sometimes you're gonna hear us together. But our main message is going to be more focused on the marital relationship and thriving beyond pornography. Yeah absolutely and if you're part of our membership. You're gonna get. More access to the resources that we're going to create for spouses and of those who struggle with pornography to help if you're part of the membership you're going to get more great resources to for spouses. Of those who struggle with pornography to help you not just move through the difficult and often challenging work that you're going to be doing to overcome the difficulties. The pornography has contributed to your relationship but we're also going to help you by providing resources.

To help you begin to thrive in your marriage and as an individual beyond that pornography struggle if you've been listening for a while you might have gotten to a place where you're feeling like I've got a pretty good handle on my actual pornography struggle. But you might realize that. There's areas in your marriage that are still struggling despite your ability to have a relationship with pornography that's more in line with who you want to be and who you've essentially committed to be in your marriage. Yeah and I and I think this is really important because. You know I can't tell you how many clients have come to us from other coaches from other programs from other systems where they said you know I got a handle on pornography and then my marriage didn't get better and that made it so that pornography continued to be. Ah, resource for me to deal with my feelings to deal with what was wrong in my relationship to deal with all of the difficulties that you know we just don't have a lot of coping skills to manage through so this is about not just eliminating 1 particular issue from your life. But it's really about.

Moving beyond that issue and into a place where your marriage is so much better and if you're struggling with pornography if you're the person who struggles with pornography you know in our in your coaching with me and in coaching and the membership. Not only are we going to keep working to eliminate unwanted pornography. We're not gonna we're not gonna leave that by this wayside. But you will also begin to have resources that are going to help you thrive both in your marriage and as an individual beyond this pornography struggle. So next week we're going to have all new production values and we are going to start a 3 part series that will begin with our story. As you've never heard it before we're so looking forward to this Darcy and I have been working together to make this happen for a long time and we are really excited to offer this new direction to you all our listeners and we hope that you will share this with others so over the past. About 3 years well it it's been 3 years yeah it's been 3 years said where we we started this podcast mostly it was Zach doing this. It was mostly Zach's business and I was kind of like the sidekick hey Robin yeah to my and. I'm ready to step in and not just be a sidekick I want to be an active participant in our coaching practice. Um I'm really passionate about helping wives get to the place where they're not only just thriving there. But.

I'm really passionate about helping the wives get to a place where they're not just surviving every day but they're truly thriving in their lives and we've kind of made this shift because. That's what we're most passionate about we are most passionate about the marriage relationship. Um, and our upbringing. You know there's been a lot of discussions around pornography destroying marriages and we we. That's our goal like our goal is to help end that struggle and really create strong healthy marriages Even when Pornography is an issue. Yeah and when Pornography has been an issue.. There's a lot that goes on both in the in the minds of. The spouse and in the mind of the person who is struggling with pornography and we want to help go through that with you and create not just a marriage but a thriving happy marriage not just something to endure but something where you can have joy and passion. And compassion and love and Intimacy. So Our hope is that if you are someone who's struggling with pornography and you're married that this can be a podcast that you and your spouse can listen to together or maybe you listen to separately and then you come together and discuss what it is that you hear.

We want this to be a great resource for married couples who are struggling with pornography and if you're in that process and maybe your spouse isn't ready to have this conversation start doing this work yourself regardless of what side of it. You're on and as you do that work your spouse will begin to come along. We know that for a fact because that's often been the path that each of us has had to take separately one of us would move forward while the other one waited then the other one would move forward while the other one waited and in our experience over these last three years Zach has coached hundreds of men. And there's been a couple handfuls of the wives who have worked with me and we found that when both the husband and the wife are working together and both committed to this process. It goes a lot more smoothly and. Couple seem to get to a better place in the end. Yeah, they really do get to a better place and I think that is the key we want to get your marriage to the place where you are so proud of it and so pleased with your lives that you would never go back. And when you look back and you see what progress you've made. You can be super super proud of it and you could share it with everybody around you all right? My friends we're so looking forward to this journey with you. All we're grateful for your listenership. We hope.

We pray that you will share this with someone who needs it because it is so so much it it shows your love when you offer this to someone who does need it and we love to help as many people as we can. So thank you for listening. And we're looking forward to seeing you next week bye still

He was talking about how he had become bored while he was studying and the thought crossed his mind to google something that he could tell at the time was a distraction from what he would ideally choose.  He just wanted a little high, just wanted to kill time with something interesting, as he described it. I wanted something more subtle. 

Then he moved from there, out of curiosity googled, “do people walk around naked at home?”

So, he asked me, “Is there anything that I can do, even when my brain is being subtle, is there any tool that I can catch myself?” Knowing as he mentioned in his voice memo, I would suggest that he listen to my course video “the truth, the justification, and the lie”

Then he said, “Is there anything that I can do to get rid of this right away?”

One of the things I do in my individual coaching is deep dive into what is going on in the 30 or so minutes before we choose pornography. 

For this client, his brain is being very subtle as it offers him something that will be highly appealing at the moment.  

What is happening for him in that moment is that the habit running part of the brain has received a cue, that subtly begins the response process, in order to create a highly appealing reward.  In episode 69 I dive into how our brain can create new habits. 

One of the keys that this client and everyone who is working to eliminate a pornography habit from their life must do is create and practice new ways to respond to cues.  

I know that sounds overly simplistic, even if it is true.  

Those who join my membership and those who get individual coaching with me work on some very specific techniques to retrain their brains to respond to the cues we receive in order to avoid the rabbit hole altogether in the long run. 

Before we change our habits, we have to be able to recognize when our brain is being subtle and start identifying where we are playing into its desire to feel good now rather than deal with what’s uncomfortable. 

I think there are a few questions I might to ask that might help decipher between the wholesome passing of time and the start of the rabbit hole.

It’s also really important to ask these questions with the same curiosity that you are bringing to the questions that are working to pull you away from your values.  

1. Is what I am currently doing on the internet something that I would be comfortable and confident doing when I am at my best and living my values?
2. If I were to ask myself on my best day, considering my current relationship with pornography would I encourage myself to search away on the current topic or would I be able to see that I might be approaching a line of what I would feel was contrary to my values?
3. If I look into my past have there been similar instances like this that have lead me down a path that I am wanting to stay off?
4. If I were on the outside looking in would I be comfortable with the person I am currently being?

Thrive Beyond Pornography

If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably like everyone else on the planet and have chosen to do something that feels good right now at the expense of sleep. 

I know I’ve done it.  Whether it is watching one more episode of that binge-able new tv show until you look over and its 4 am or knowing you are so tired but you just keep scrolling social or crawling into bed, feeling ready to sleep then, your mind offers you that “you’re alone” and “you might as well get away for a bit.”

These are all real-life examples from my life, Darcy’s life, and the lives of my clients.  

And if you are human, as imagine there is an example like this in your life that makes you wonder, “Why did I choose that instead of sleep?”

For many of my clients, the hour before bed is a regular time when they choose pornography. 

Today we’re going to look at why that may be and give you some really clear, actionable tools to put you in a position to make the decisions that meet your values when confronted with the urge to view porn before bed. 

It can feel easier short term

• It’s easier to do than quieting our mind
• It’s easier than laying there restless
• It’s easier than tossing and turning
• It’s easier than transitioning to the next thing
• 
  

It can be engaging

• Curiosity is probably one of the key reasons our brain engages us in pornography viewing.  What does this person look like nude?  Who is this person?  How can I see more of this person?  
• Problem-solving is one of the most powerful things our brain does.  When it comes to viewing porn or binging screens late at night, the problem solving feedback here is twofold.  First, it is solving for anxiety by avoiding it.  Second, it is solving for our desire to know as much as we can.
• Learning is an outgrowth of curiosity and problem solving and our brain feels justified in learning everything it can about the world around it.  
•   
• 
  

It can feel great

• Dopamine, 
• Arousal
• Escape from responsibility
• 
  

It has been shown to help sleep quality

A study reported that 65% of participants who had an orgasm before going to bed reported better sleep quality. 

in order to attain high-quality sleep, our bodies should be able to enter a state of relaxation and calmness.

Cortisol is a stress hormone that prevents that. It’s often associated with our body’s fight or flight response, making our bodies feel more alert and restless.

Fortunately, research shows that masturbation and sexual intercourse inhibit this stress-inducing hormone's production.

Cortisol is also often associated with a slew of health problems, from high blood pressure and fatigue to decreased bone density, so it’s always ideal to have a low count of cortisol in your body.

• (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality)

I’ll link to that information in the notes. 

I want to be clear, I’m not advocating viewing pornography and masturbation in order to improve your sleep.  What I’m offering is an understanding of why this habit may have formed and why you may be engaging in it as you do fall asleep. 

This is about realizing that you might be using orgasms to manage stress and...]]>Why do I view porn before bed?

If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably like everyone else on the planet and have chosen to do something that feels good right now at the expense of sleep. 

I know I’ve done it.  Whether it is watching one more episode of that binge-able new tv show until you look over and its 4 am or knowing you are so tired but you just keep scrolling social or crawling into bed, feeling ready to sleep then, your mind offers you that “you’re alone” and “you might as well get away for a bit.”

These are all real-life examples from my life, Darcy’s life, and the lives of my clients.  

And if you are human, as imagine there is an example like this in your life that makes you wonder, “Why did I choose that instead of sleep?”

For many of my clients, the hour before bed is a regular time when they choose pornography. 

Today we’re going to look at why that may be and give you some really clear, actionable tools to put you in a position to make the decisions that meet your values when confronted with the urge to view porn before bed. 

It can feel easier short term

• It’s easier to do than quieting our mind
• It’s easier than laying there restless
• It’s easier than tossing and turning
• It’s easier than transitioning to the next thing
• 
  

It can be engaging

• Curiosity is probably one of the key reasons our brain engages us in pornography viewing.  What does this person look like nude?  Who is this person?  How can I see more of this person?  
• Problem-solving is one of the most powerful things our brain does.  When it comes to viewing porn or binging screens late at night, the problem solving feedback here is twofold.  First, it is solving for anxiety by avoiding it.  Second, it is solving for our desire to know as much as we can.
• Learning is an outgrowth of curiosity and problem solving and our brain feels justified in learning everything it can about the world around it.  
•   
• 
  

It can feel great

• Dopamine, 
• Arousal
• Escape from responsibility
• 
  

It has been shown to help sleep quality

A study reported that 65% of participants who had an orgasm before going to bed reported better sleep quality. 

in order to attain high-quality sleep, our bodies should be able to enter a state of relaxation and calmness.

Cortisol is a stress hormone that prevents that. It’s often associated with our body’s fight or flight response, making our bodies feel more alert and restless.

Fortunately, research shows that masturbation and sexual intercourse inhibit this stress-inducing hormone's production.

Cortisol is also often associated with a slew of health problems, from high blood pressure and fatigue to decreased bone density, so it’s always ideal to have a low count of cortisol in your body.

• (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality)

I’ll link to that information in the notes. 

I want to be clear, I’m not advocating viewing pornography and masturbation in order to improve your sleep.  What I’m offering is an understanding of why this habit may have formed and why you may be engaging in it as you do fall asleep. 

This is about realizing that you might be using orgasms to manage stress and cortisol levels. Fortunately, these are not the only ways to manage your stress, cortisol, or sleep patterns.  And just knowing what you are facing gives you a lot of power to make changes and change patterns. That’s why we have the membership, so you can figure out what is happening and resolve it, even if you can’t see it yourself at first.

I know that for me, there were many times that I lay awake at night, and the thought would come to me to view pornography so I could just get to sleep. It was probably most often on business trips, during which I rarely slept well.  But it did occur at home as well on nights when I found it tough to sleep and on nights when I didn’t find it difficult, but I just didn’t want to have to go through the process of falling asleep. 

I wish I had understood this earlier on in my life so I could arrange for my brain to create new ways of dealing with my stress and sleep struggles.

These reasons are some of the likely ones that I’ve come up with.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.  Feel free to email me at zach@zachspafford.com

So, what can we do to resolve these issues so we can deal with those late-night, pre-sleep urges to manage our discomfort through pornography?

Create a sleep Routine

The first thing that you’ll want to do is create a sleep routine.  

This is a matter of intentionally laying out how you would like to go to bed.   Creating a wind down that already incorporates some of the habits you have now and augmenting those habits with new items that will help you maintain good sleep structures for yourself.  

An example of this might look like, right now, I brush my teeth, get into bed, and scroll my phone until I fall asleep.  

A new sleep schedule might look like, brushing your teeth, putting your phone in another room, taking a few minutes to meditate and laying in bed until you fall asleep.  

At first this will be excruciating!  I know because I’ve done it.  But over time, as you do this, you’ll find that it starts to gear your mind up for sleep and falling asleep becomes easier and easier.  

It is also a simple process, so for those of you who have a sleep schedule that varies, the activities you put in place to gear your mind toward sleep are not dependent on a specific time of day.  

Get Regular Sleep

When we have a sleep routine that helps us engage our brain in a process of falling asleep each time that is really helpful  The second most helpful thing that we can do to lessen the impact of urges to view pornography at bed time or when we are sleepy is to get adequate sleep. 

If you are sleeping less than 7 hours per night, you are likely not getting adequate sleep and impairing your capacity to make good decisions. 

Create Intentional Joy 

One of the main reasons people choose to scroll endlessly, stay up late, or view pornography is that when the day is done, they want to take time for themselves when they have not been fulfilled.  

I know lots of moms, dads, students, and employees work tirelessly to do all the tasks they need to accomplish in a day, only to climb into bed feeling drained and frustrated that they will need to just get up and do it all again tomorrow. 

This is a key reason why we choose these ultimately unfulfilling but immediately gratifying activities. 

When we don’t really have anything to look forward to, it can create a vacuum where we feel like it is impossible to live a rich, full, and meaningful life.  

This kind of energy and sense about our lives can lead us to do what feels good and easy in the moment rather than living with purpose. 

If you want to reduce the number of times you scroll endlessly or choose pornography, create an intentional plan of how you can live more fully.  I know this can feel really difficult and there are a lot of reasons to put off doing this.  I promise you, if you will seek to do the fun things, the things that bring meaning into your life so that when your head hits the pillow, it can think about the joy you bring into your own life, you’ll be less likely to choose pornography.  

Small Gains, over time

None of these things will solve the whole problem.  And none of these things in isolation are the silver bullet.  Over time, by adding to your process incrementally, you will find that the compounding effect of each of these techniques will move mountains. 

Adding these techniques to other things that I’ve taught through the podcast and in the membership and individual coaching will help you reach your goals.  

Most importantly, this understanding and these skills will help you Overcome Pornography Forever. 

So today we are going to talk about two ways to ensure that you never fail again when it comes to overcoming pornography. 

A guy that I was working with told me the story of when he was doing a physical challenge of some sort, I think it was a multi-day race, and he stopped at a home that was part of the race support.  I heard this story a long time ago, so the details are a little fuzzy for me, but the message is clear.  

He goes into the house, they point him to a bedroom and since it’s the end of the day and he’s been racing all day, he goes in, faceplants into the bed and goes to sleep. 

Fast forward to the next morning and his wife, who, for some reason didn’t sleep in the room with him, comes in to wake him up.  As she does this, she notices that the wall above my friend’s head is a mural of a naked woman. 

I imagine some of you are right now thinking of your partner or yourself and wondering how much trouble that guy was in.  

Turns out he was in quite a bit of trouble. 

His wife was quite furious with him that he had slept in that room and let him have it. 

So my friend defends himself by saying that he had no idea, he had just come into the room, it was dark, he hadn’t even gotten undressed, that he had just slept in the room without even looking around because he was so tired from the race he had been running. 

This is key number one making your journey to overcoming pornography forever fail-proof:

Learn to recognize what is problematic and what is incidental. 

Too often, we become hyper-sensitive and hyper-focused on the ways in which pornography intersects our life and this intense management of the thing we want so badly to avoid creates a reality where we are more likely to notice it, and often, we beat ourselves up over it reinforcing a negative reality. 

Just the same way you notice every car on the road that looks like the one you just bought, your brain is constantly looking for ways to reinforce itself.  This happens in ways that are positive and valuable and it also happens in ways that reinforce negativity in our lives.  

In the case of my friend, the fact that there was a mural of a naked woman on the wall above his head was a non-issue until his wife made it into a big deal, reinforcing a number of negativities that seem inescapable.  

I don’t know what her thoughts were, but I imagine she felt like we can never get away from this, that no matter what, we always have to be diligent, and maybe any trauma that she experienced was being dredged up and relived in that moment.  

For him, it might have been that he will never be able to do enough to stay away from this, that even when he isn’t doing anything, he still gets in trouble because of his past behavior, and maybe even that his wife will never get over this and that it is a hopeless issue. 

Think about what you’ve felt over the time you’ve struggled, what would you have thought or felt.  I know that I would certainly have felt attacked for something I didn’t do and that I had no control over.  

If you want to overcome pornography forever, you need to be able to triage what has happened in order to understand if there is something more to do. 

In this case, there really wasn’t anything to be done.  My friend had no idea the mural existed, and as such, nothing happened and there was nothing to learn...]]>One of the biggest issues that every person who works to overcome pornography has is that they often feel like they are failing if they have any sort of setback or make any sort of mistake in the way that they are handling themselves. 

So today we are going to talk about two ways to ensure that you never fail again when it comes to overcoming pornography. 

A guy that I was working with told me the story of when he was doing a physical challenge of some sort, I think it was a multi-day race, and he stopped at a home that was part of the race support.  I heard this story a long time ago, so the details are a little fuzzy for me, but the message is clear.  

He goes into the house, they point him to a bedroom and since it’s the end of the day and he’s been racing all day, he goes in, faceplants into the bed and goes to sleep. 

Fast forward to the next morning and his wife, who, for some reason didn’t sleep in the room with him, comes in to wake him up.  As she does this, she notices that the wall above my friend’s head is a mural of a naked woman. 

I imagine some of you are right now thinking of your partner or yourself and wondering how much trouble that guy was in.  

Turns out he was in quite a bit of trouble. 

His wife was quite furious with him that he had slept in that room and let him have it. 

So my friend defends himself by saying that he had no idea, he had just come into the room, it was dark, he hadn’t even gotten undressed, that he had just slept in the room without even looking around because he was so tired from the race he had been running. 

This is key number one making your journey to overcoming pornography forever fail-proof:

Learn to recognize what is problematic and what is incidental. 

Too often, we become hyper-sensitive and hyper-focused on the ways in which pornography intersects our life and this intense management of the thing we want so badly to avoid creates a reality where we are more likely to notice it, and often, we beat ourselves up over it reinforcing a negative reality. 

Just the same way you notice every car on the road that looks like the one you just bought, your brain is constantly looking for ways to reinforce itself.  This happens in ways that are positive and valuable and it also happens in ways that reinforce negativity in our lives.  

In the case of my friend, the fact that there was a mural of a naked woman on the wall above his head was a non-issue until his wife made it into a big deal, reinforcing a number of negativities that seem inescapable.  

I don’t know what her thoughts were, but I imagine she felt like we can never get away from this, that no matter what, we always have to be diligent, and maybe any trauma that she experienced was being dredged up and relived in that moment.  

For him, it might have been that he will never be able to do enough to stay away from this, that even when he isn’t doing anything, he still gets in trouble because of his past behavior, and maybe even that his wife will never get over this and that it is a hopeless issue. 

Think about what you’ve felt over the time you’ve struggled, what would you have thought or felt.  I know that I would certainly have felt attacked for something I didn’t do and that I had no control over.  

If you want to overcome pornography forever, you need to be able to triage what has happened in order to understand if there is something more to do. 

In this case, there really wasn’t anything to be done.  My friend had no idea the mural existed, and as such, nothing happened and there was nothing to learn from the experience.  

This, in a lot of ways, could be summed up as stuff happens, and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be won’t make it better. 

The second thing that you can do to never fail again as you overcome pornography forever is to learn from each time you choose pornography. 

I know that seems simple, but it’s not and I’ll tell you why. 

First, people do not like, in fact, they hate, confronting when they act incongruously to their values. 

Second, we like to move on quickly and put it behind us. 

Let’s talk about those two reasons why we don’t like learning from our mistakes really quickly.  

You’ve probably noticed that when you go all in on something and everyone disagrees with you that it is really hard to back down.  Well, the reason that is tough for most of us is that it makes us feel like we’ve been wrong and no one likes to be wrong.  When we don’t live our values, we see it as wrong and we don’t like admitting we’re wrong. Not to others and not to ourselves.  So that is what is going on when we work really hard not to confront our behaviors that don’t align with our values. 

The second reason I mentioned there, we like to move on quickly has to do with the first as well, but there is a nuance there.  Running away is a standard move in keeping yourself safe in unpleasant situations.  The move on from my own mistakes move is a lot like running away, but in a mental version. 

One of the key modules I have in the membership and in my individual coaching is called Learn Something, Move Forward. 

In there, I give you a step-by-step process, to help you focus in on what happened, why, and how to create a game plan that you can practice and execute the next time you are faced with the same or similar challenge. 

In fact, If you write me a review for the podcast and email me when you’ve done it, with a picture of the review, I’ll send you the video and workbook so you can use it for yourself.

Learning from our mistakes means that we never fail because we never give up and we got something of value out of the moment. 

Saying that you’ve failed is like telling a baby that is learning to walk that if they fall down, they are a failure.  

You wouldn’t do that.  You’d be a monster if you did that.  Just imagine standing over a baby and shouting at them that they are a horrible failure for falling down when they are trying to learn to walk. 

Now some of you might be listening and saying, “but my husband or I am not learning to walk, we’re making choices and choosing poorly.” 

To which I say, ok, you might be choosing poorly, but, based on your track record, does it look like you have all the necessary skills, tools, habits, and processes to make the choices that most closely align with your values in this space?  If you’re listening to the podcast, the answer might be yes, but only because you’ve been listening to this podcast and doing what I’ve taught you. 

More likely, especially if you are new, the answer is no.  This means, that much like a baby learning to walk, you are in the process of getting together the requisite skills, tools, habits, and processes to be successful.  

So, do yourself a favor, stop standing over yourself and yelling at your unskilled mind, telling it that it's a failure, and actually start learning from these interactions.  It will make your life much more successful.  

Learn to see what is problematic and what is incidental and learn from your mistakes.  

That is how you never fail ever again.  

At anything, by the way. 

Here is a story that we are all familiar with, that we all believe is true, and that we inflict on ourselves when we think about our pornography struggle.  

The story begins with us seeing the hero of the story at their lowest point.  They are being crushed by the world and see no light, no end to their suffering, and no way to rise above the challenges that are before them.  

In this struggle, they come across a single truth, weapon, or skill that opens possibilities to them, creates a path forward, and allows them to triumph. 

While I struggled with pornography, I found that this is how I thought of what I needed to overcome pornography forever. 

I thought, if Heavenly Father can just give me that one tool, that one skill, or just take this one thing away from me, then I would be immediately successful and clearly win this fight. 

I don’t know if you have thought of your porn struggle in this same way, but this was my mindset for a very long time when it came to pornography. 

I’m sure, that like Saul who saw Jesus on his travels and was renamed Paul, there are people for whom extraordinary shifts occur in moments and then, forevermore, that newly minted being of awesomeness is plagued no more by their trials. 

I know, for me, that this wasn’t the case.  

I found that really overcoming pornography forever was about three things. 

Regularly refocusing, habits around my urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking. 

In the process of overcoming pornography, I found myself regularly discouraged when a setback occurred or a process that I had put in place seemed to fail. For a long time, this lead to an out-of-control spiral and frustrating despair. 

Each time made mistakes, I had to dig out of that hole and refocus and redouble my efforts.  

The clear lesson for me around this is, that you don’t have to wait until you make a mistake to refocus.  

If you are working to overcome pornography, setting regular checkpoints, working with a coach, or regularly evaluating your progress, process, and potential is something you can set up before you make mistakes. Adding key touchpoints to help you evaluate and adjust will yield high levels of self-awareness and pivot points that allow you to move toward your values.   

These regular refocus sessions, whether you are doing them on your own or with a coach can help you clarify where you stand, what you are doing well, and if there is an area that you might want to improve.  

If you are thinking about overcoming pornography forever from a strategic perspective, checking in with what’s working and setting time to evaluate it is a perfect start to getting you where you want to go. 

You might have a daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly refocus session set on your calendar where you celebrate your wins and see how you want to focus your energy for the next period. 

Speaking of how to focus your energy, one of the key components that you’ll need to focus on is how you are habitually dealing with urges.  

Willpower is a regular go-to when we engage with our brain around urges.  

But if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you know that willpower fades and is never enough to totally eliminate pornography from your life. 

Creating and practicing new ways to deal with urges seems really simple, I know.  When it comes to the things you are most effective at in your life, you have created habitual ways to engage with them. 

I’m reminded of Phil Mickelson and Michael Jordan and Tom Brady.  

Each of them has risen to the height of their sport.  But]]>Join the membership for 50% off using promo code LABORDAY50 Click here to join https://www.zachspafford.com/jointhemembership

Here is a story that we are all familiar with, that we all believe is true, and that we inflict on ourselves when we think about our pornography struggle.  

The story begins with us seeing the hero of the story at their lowest point.  They are being crushed by the world and see no light, no end to their suffering, and no way to rise above the challenges that are before them.  

In this struggle, they come across a single truth, weapon, or skill that opens possibilities to them, creates a path forward, and allows them to triumph. 

While I struggled with pornography, I found that this is how I thought of what I needed to overcome pornography forever. 

I thought, if Heavenly Father can just give me that one tool, that one skill, or just take this one thing away from me, then I would be immediately successful and clearly win this fight. 

I don’t know if you have thought of your porn struggle in this same way, but this was my mindset for a very long time when it came to pornography. 

I’m sure, that like Saul who saw Jesus on his travels and was renamed Paul, there are people for whom extraordinary shifts occur in moments and then, forevermore, that newly minted being of awesomeness is plagued no more by their trials. 

I know, for me, that this wasn’t the case.  

I found that really overcoming pornography forever was about three things. 

Regularly refocusing, habits around my urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking. 

In the process of overcoming pornography, I found myself regularly discouraged when a setback occurred or a process that I had put in place seemed to fail. For a long time, this lead to an out-of-control spiral and frustrating despair. 

Each time made mistakes, I had to dig out of that hole and refocus and redouble my efforts.  

The clear lesson for me around this is, that you don’t have to wait until you make a mistake to refocus.  

If you are working to overcome pornography, setting regular checkpoints, working with a coach, or regularly evaluating your progress, process, and potential is something you can set up before you make mistakes. Adding key touchpoints to help you evaluate and adjust will yield high levels of self-awareness and pivot points that allow you to move toward your values.   

These regular refocus sessions, whether you are doing them on your own or with a coach can help you clarify where you stand, what you are doing well, and if there is an area that you might want to improve.  

If you are thinking about overcoming pornography forever from a strategic perspective, checking in with what’s working and setting time to evaluate it is a perfect start to getting you where you want to go. 

You might have a daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly refocus session set on your calendar where you celebrate your wins and see how you want to focus your energy for the next period. 

Speaking of how to focus your energy, one of the key components that you’ll need to focus on is how you are habitually dealing with urges.  

Willpower is a regular go-to when we engage with our brain around urges.  

But if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you know that willpower fades and is never enough to totally eliminate pornography from your life. 

Creating and practicing new ways to deal with urges seems really simple, I know.  When it comes to the things you are most effective at in your life, you have created habitual ways to engage with them. 

I’m reminded of Phil Mickelson and Michael Jordan and Tom Brady.  

Each of them has risen to the height of their sport.  But how?

By doing the same things, over and over and over and over until it was habitual, not reactionary. 

My favorite example of this is the well know “Flu Game” during which Michael Jordan, struggling with what he speculates was food poisoning from the pizza that he ate the night before, put up an astounding 38 of the 90 points his team scored that night. 

Michael performed as well as he did because he was able to engage habits that he had built through countless hours of practice.  

When urges confront us in our day-to-day life, the way we react to them makes all the difference.  

If the way we react to them comes from a place of habitual performance, honed through dedicated practice, our urges become less about a struggle and more about just letting our habits take over and guide us to success. 

You can learn all the right habits in the Self Mastery Membership or through individual coaching.  Just sign up for a free consult at https://www.zachspafford.com/workwithzach  

Figuring out the right habits and how to practice them the way Jordan did free throws or Mickelson does putts isn’t something you have to do alone.  

Lastly, experiment with totally new ways of thinking. 

This is really experimenting with totally new ways of thinking and doing.  But you have to think it before you do it.  

A lot of us are doing the same things, over and over but not getting the results that we want.  So, like the idea before, we are letting a habit take over our process.  The question you need to be asking is, is this process actually resolving my issue, or does it keep leading me back to results I don’t want?

Let me point out that there is a difference between not being successful because of ineffective habits, skills, ideas, or actions and not being successful because you have not yet integrated the right habit fully enough to be effective.  

A good way to know if you haven’t yet integrated the right habit is to see what the conventional wisdom is on that habit and ask if that technique is working for others.  You can also ask yourself, does this process make sense in the totality of my understanding and has it yielded any sort of value?  

When I worked through the 12 steps, there were some things that just didn’t make sense to me.  One really big one was how you are asked to admit that you are powerless.  

That idea really struck me as not terribly helpful in the totality of what I was trying to accomplish.  How could I take responsibility for my actions and start making different decisions if I was powerless against an external force? That’s the way I thought of it, but that may not be the way you think about it. 

And really this step is about that very thing, experimenting with new ways of thinking and see if they make sense to you. 

See if the idea, the process, or the mechanics of what you have been thinking make more or less sense. See if a new, different, or off-the-wall idea that you hadn’t considered can fill a gap in your process.  

Also, see if someone else is being successful with new ideas.  Try them.  See if you can become more successful than you have been up to this point with those ideas. 

When I worked through my own struggle, I often had to throw out old ways of thinking and create new ones. 

The old adage that if you want different results, you have to try different things is also true of the way we think and feel.  

Putting our thoughts, feelings, and actions together differently than we ever have before will yield different results. 

As you work through your own struggle and start down the path of Regularly refocusing, creating new habits around your urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking you don’t have to do it alone or ask people who have never done the work.  You can work with a coach who has traveled that path himself and helped hundreds of men and women do the same. 

I’m here for you.  

When you’re ready, make an appointment at zachspafford.com/workwithzach and I’ll walk you through this process personally. 

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Then when we got married and my pornography problem kept going, I used to think that if we had sex that day, I wouldn’t turn to pornography.  

Then if we had sex that day and I chose pornography, I used to think that our sex life needed to be more interesting before my porn struggle would end. 

There are a lot of reasons why people choose pornography when they are morally opposed to it.  Many of those reasons stem from trying to resolve an issue that is difficult or painful.  Often they either do not have the tools to resolve these issues or that they are unskilled or unpracticed at using the tools they do have. 

WIthin the Self Mastery Membership we dive deep into the tools you need as well as help you hone those tools to make them effective in your day to day life. 

When I believed that sex would solve my pornography problem, I failed myself by believing that the answer to my struggle was outside me. 

I believed that Darcy would solve my problems.  I believed that God would make me stop somehow. (Agency tells us He won’t) I believed that if I had my needs met often enough and well enough that I simply wouldn’t have more desire than to be with my wife.  

The idea that external forces will help us resolve our pornography problems is the same idea that keeps us from solving our pornography problems.  

The more we believe that someone or something outside of us has power to solve for how we feel or what we need, the more we will believe that pornography can help us solve for how we feel or what we need.  

The idea that Darcy could make it so I wouldn’t want porn is the same concept as porn could make it so I wouldn’t struggle with my difficult or painful issues.  

When Darcy can make the bad of porn go away, porn can make the bad of loneliness go away. 

Placing our ownership of what is going on for us outside of us, in the hands of a person, a substance, an electronic dopamine machine like video games, or in pornography only aleviates the struggle for a short time.  Then, we have to face up to both our choices and our previously unaddressed difficulties. 

So, if sex won’t solve your porn problem, what will?

I’ll give you a one word answer that you may not want to hear: YOU

You are the only person who can solve for how you feel, why you choose porn, and learn the skills you need to practice in order to leave it behind. 

I can teach you those skills, you can learn them through individual coaching or in the membership, but you have to be the one who takes the steps to make it happen. 

Heavenly Father could create the perfect conditions that would make your life perfectly simple and easy to live, but you have to be the one who exercises your agency around pornography. 

Your wife can have sex with you every day, three times a day, she can be understanding of your issue and not make you feel shame or guilt when you choose porn, she can be emotionally available and alway meet your “needs”, but you have to be the one who owns your emotions, experiences your frustrations, and resolves them internally before they become so overwhelming that you feel like you have to escape them.   

This is why more sex won’t solve your porn problem.  

You have to hold on to yourself and create the sense within yourself that you are capable of solving the problem, learn the skills and utilize them, and stop relying on externals to manage you.  

This is why I don’t encourage accountability partners,]]>I used to think that once my wife and I could have sex because we were married that my pornography problem would go away. 

Then when we got married and my pornography problem kept going, I used to think that if we had sex that day, I wouldn’t turn to pornography.  

Then if we had sex that day and I chose pornography, I used to think that our sex life needed to be more interesting before my porn struggle would end. 

There are a lot of reasons why people choose pornography when they are morally opposed to it.  Many of those reasons stem from trying to resolve an issue that is difficult or painful.  Often they either do not have the tools to resolve these issues or that they are unskilled or unpracticed at using the tools they do have. 

WIthin the Self Mastery Membership we dive deep into the tools you need as well as help you hone those tools to make them effective in your day to day life.