Why Does My Partner

With Full Hearts: Capacity, Growth, and Our Final Episode

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 03 Jun 2025 05:00:00 -0400

Dear WDMP Community,

What an incredible journey it’s been. We feel so lucky to have been in connection with you over the years as we’ve explored your burning Why Does My Partner… questions. With over 100 episodes across 7 seasons, this podcast has been a labor of love—and we could not have done it without your thoughtful engagement, deep curiosity, and ongoing support.

It’s with heavy hearts (and full ones) that we’ve decided to end production of the podcast. This decision wasn’t easy, and the reasons vary for each of us. Like many of you, we’re noticing the weight of the world, and our capacity is more limited than in the past. At the same time, we’re each growing in new directions, creating other kinds of learning and growth experiences for both therapists and laypeople alike. And because Why Does My Partner… has always thrived on the collective presence of all three of us, we agreed that if we can’t all say a wholehearted “yes” to continuing, it’s time to lovingly close this chapter.

We’re incredibly proud of the show we created, and we're so grateful for the richness it’s brought to our lives. To ensure it remains a resource for you, all of our episodes will stay available on your favorite podcast platforms for years to come. Keep listening. Keep sharing. Let these conversations continue to spark insights and connection in your lives.

In our final episode, we offer some parting thoughts on how you can keep nurturing healthy relationships in your own world. Thank you for being with us—through every question, every laugh, every moment of truth. It’s been our joy and honor.

As our paths continue to unfold, we’d love to stay connected. If you’re curious about where each of us is headed next, come along by joining our individual mailing lists:

Jules: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/the-newsletter
Vickey: https://unmessyourmind.com/#NEWSLETTER
Rebecca: https://connectfulness.com/newsletter

With respect, wonder, kindness, and courage,

Rebecca, Jules, & Vickey

Police My Words?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0400

As we reach the end of our season 7 deep dive into communication, it’s no surprise that so many of the same themes have kept showing up in our conversations, and that so often, what they’re about is owning our unmet needs. So it feels right that we should land here, with an episode that unpacks just that, and once again invites us to let go of the strategies we think we need to get what we want, and to get more in touch with the real needs we may be trying to express.

Thanks as always, dear listeners, for sticking with us for yet another season! We’ll be back soon with another miniseries, but in the meantime, we’d love for you to stay in touch! Write in, send us your questions, leave a review, and join us for a workshop!

And as always, love each other the best you can.

Quotes:

when we only have one way to meet a need, that is a recipe for fear

My needs are okay, even though they will not always be met.

“The pain sucks, but the fact that the pain is here is okay. It can be welcomed.”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Insist That We Should Both Agree on Their Version of What Happened?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 20 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0400

How is it that two people could remember an event so differently, and both be so sure that their version is right? Why is it so hard to take in when someone suggests that our memory of something isn’t true? How can it be that two people can both be right about a memory, and at the same time both be wrong? On today’s episode of WDMP, we’ve got a few answers for you, plus a suggestion for how you can start to guide yourself out of this stuck place and into greater intimacy in your relationship.

Quotes:

“The truth is, no one is actually totally right, and everyone is probably a little bit right.”

“Embrace the nature of the differences in the way we see reality. To try to get that not to happen…is a recipe for pain.”

“We can’t rely on memory as fact.”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Make Plans Without Asking Me First?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 13 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0400

One cool thing about neurodiversity is that if you get three friends and podcast co-hosts together to talk about a listener question, a lot of the time they’re going to have three very, very different relationships to the question…and not one of them is more valid or valuable than the other!

That’s exactly what’s happening on today’s episode of Why Does My Partner, as we dig into how couples communicate around making plans, scheduling, and navigating social engagements. Like so many of the topics we talk about, there’s no right way to go about it, but what’s important is that there’s an explicit, shared understanding of how it’s going to be in your relationship.

Feeling lost on how to get to that place of understanding? Then this is the episode for you!

Quotes:

“if we’re talking about something that has a little bit more of a tenderness around it…we have to have some kind of temperature check inside of our relationship.”

"How do you do with making direct requests? What work do you need to do between you and you in order to feel supported enough, stable enough in yourself to go ahead and make that ask?”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Avoid Conflict?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 06 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0400

What happens inside of our brains when we face potential conflict? A whole lot is what. One thing that we don’t always realize is that we have subcortical systems that start going into hyperdrive, make meaning out of what’s happening and hopefully keep ourselves safe. That meaning making is automatic and unconscious, and draws on what we’ve learned in our pasts, both implicitly and explicitly, about how we feel safety and belonging. That means that if your past has taught you that conflict can get you hurt, rejected, or shut down, or maybe hasn’t even taught you that there is anything else you could do, of course you’re going to avoid it!

The thing is, there really are other ways to approach conflict, and some of those ways could even bring you into closer connection with yourself and your loved ones. If that sounds impossible to you, we’ve got a ton of resources to support you. For a start, give this episode a listen, and try out some of what we’re talking about. We think you might end up changing your mind.

Quotes:

“being able to be inside of discomfort is something that not everyone has a nervous system that knows how to do…yet.”

“I'm not running the risk of betraying me if I'm checking in with me first.”

when, when we take in information from the world, we're taking that information inside our bodies

“what's the cost to me as an individual if I don't bring my voice into this conversation? What's the cost to our connection? Where does this lead us? What's the potential benefit of bringing this in?”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Criticize My Parenting?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 30 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0400

“Why does my partner criticize my parenting?” If you’re in a partnership, even without children, there’s a good chance some version of this has come up for you. Whether it’s parenting, pet care, finances, sex, you name it, both you and your partner are carrying a bunch of (often unconscious) assumptions about how something should be done. Coming out of conflict means moving from those implicit beliefs to explicit communication, but how do you do that without blame, power struggles, and hurt feelings? Well, that’s what this whole season on communication is all about!

Quotes:

"What are old needs, longings, meanings that are being met when you want to parent “your way?”

“[What’s] hard is where we get stuck inside of ourselves. The hard is not how we navigate it together. That actually undoes aloneness”

When you’re having a communication issue, can you do a YOU-turn and ask yourself, what kind of communication are you trying to achieve?”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Feel Offended When I Don't Listen to Their Advice?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 23 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0400

We love it when our listeners come to us with their YOU-turn already built into the question, not just because it means that what we do is helping someone, but because it means the door is already open for curiosity, vulnerability, and discovery. Today’s question does just that. Join us for a discussion of the vulnerability of taking in advice from another person, feeling really deeply known by your partner, psychological boundaries, and how to come out of defensiveness and into repair.

Plus, we’ve got a really great episode of Modern Family to recommend you.

Quotes:

“Does your partner know about your desire to be known more deeply?”

“We all carry different learnings in our psychological floor, in the way we learn to be in the world.”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Ask Questions About Me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 16 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Humans have a deep need for closeness, to feel known and that those around us care and want to know us deeply. And that can feel really, really vulnerable. In this episode we answer a question all about tangling with different ways of showing and asking for deeper knowing in a relationship. In turn, we offer some questions you may want to ask yourself, and then a few more for you and your partner to open up together. .

In today’s episode we mention Gina Senarighi’s fantastic book, One Question a Day To Stay Close and Curious, a Couple’s Journal for a Lifetime of Love . To hear more from Gina, check out this interview with Rebecca from back in 2021 on the Connectfulness Podcast.

Quotes:

"It could be that what questions are meaning to your partner is different than what they mean to you.”

“Does your partner know about your desire to be known more deeply?”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Try to Give Me a Script to Follow When We're in a Fight?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 09 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0400

The internet (and books, magazines, and a whole lot of couples’ therapy offices) are full of scripts to follow to help partners navigate conflict. But what if your partner wants to use a script that’s just not working for you? Here at WDMP what we try to provide is a lot more like a map than a script. A map doesn’t tell you exactly how to go, it shows you some of the possibilities you have in front of you. It offers opportunities, invites curiosity. It helps you ask “where am I now, where am I heading, and what might be there for me along the way?” Check out today’s episode for more, including a sneak peek at the map we’ll be providing folks at our next Integrating Mind + Heart workshop!

Quotes:

“even if you follow a script, it doesn’t mean it’s going to go well every time”

“In order to communicate well, we need to be tracking our brain state.”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Beat themselves up when I tell them I have an issue with their behavior?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 02 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0400

When we start beating ourselves up in front of our partners when they have an issue with our behavior, what is it that we’re actually doing? Can we talk about that for a minute? Actually, we already did, and it’s this week’s of the podcast! Hear us chat about shame pits and grandiosity, listening and remorse, self protection and vulnerability, and…throwing babies? All this and more on the Why Does My Partner Podcast!

Quotes:

We can't talk about hard things when we're not in integrated brain states.

There’s difficulty moving into remorse.

You can pick up your own baby.

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our

upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Reflect and Listen?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 25 Jun 2024 07:00:00 -0400

As couples’ therapists, the most common questions we get are about communication. But what does it take to make that work in a relationship? That’s such a big question, that we’re dedicating this entire season to talking about communication!

First off, how do you listen when your partner brings up something sensitive? Y’all, listening is really vulnerable. It means putting yourself aside for a moment to be there for the other person and acknowledge that you may have caused them pain. When you’re in that space it’s so easy to get defensive or go into shame and then, you guessed it… you’re not listening anymore!

Never fear, in this episode we’re sharing some key skills for you to try out right away, whether you’re the listener or the talker. So have a listen, subscribe, and as always, take care of each other the best you can.

Quotes:

“As a culture, we do a pretty decent job at saying ‘here’s how to speak up for yourself’…and a pretty icky job at saying ‘here’s how to listen.’”

“Listen with the possibility of believing your partner.”

"We struggle to listen to when we struggle to sit with grief"

"Remorse can come very naturally if you let it.”

Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Season 7 Coming Soon!

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Fri, 21 Jun 2024 10:00:00 -0400

Stay tuned for Season 7, all about...communication!

Feel Better After Unloading

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 04 Jun 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Why do I have to feel bad for my partner to feel better? When does venting cross the line and become unloading? Guest host Ann Kelley joins us one more time to talk about power dynamics in relationships. It can feel relieving to unload your frustrations, but is it causing your partner to shut down? Or is the venting partner looking for some kind of feedback that they’re not getting, making them feel like they have to keep unloading till they get a reaction? As always, there’s not one answer, but we can offer a roadmap for how couples can start exploring this for themselves.

Finally, if you haven’t already, make sure to listen to episodes one and two of this miniseries with Ann and check out her podcast Therapist Uncensored as well as her upcoming book, Secure Relating.

Quotes:

“Its really hard to listen to pain and not attempt to change it.”

Recommended Reading:

Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott

Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Advice for Early Stage Relationships

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 28 May 2024 07:00:00 -0400

We’re back with special guest Ann Kelley of the Therapist Uncensored podcast, and folks, she’s dropping knowledge bombs left and right on this one. Our question for today is from a listener in her 60s, getting ready to put herself out there to date after a divorce. We’ve all got so much to say about this one, so let’s get right to the quotes:

Quotes:

The red flag is when we're not paying attention to something that's happening internally or we're dismissing part of our experience.

Our value systems don't have to be identical, but are they aligned enough?

Having a difficult time saying “I’m sorry has a lot more to do with our nervous system than our knowledge.

We don't need to find the perfect person. We need to find somebody that's willing to grow with us

Sometimes a red flag doesn’t mean run, it means explore and learn more.

Recommended Reading:

Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott

Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.

Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Why Does My Partner Get Mad at Me When I Come Back from Out of Town?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 21 May 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the Why Does My Partner Podcast. For this bonus mini-series, were joined by Ann Kelley from the Therapist Uncensored podcast to tackle our next set of listener questions. Ann is a licensed psychologist and co-author of Secure Relating along with her wife and podcasting partner, Sue Marriott.

Do you and your partner have rituals when you come back together from being apart? Today’s question opens up our to ways that implicit memories can stir up old learned expectations of what happens when someone leaves us. If you’ve experienced painful separations in your past, your body may still be expecting that, even when your mind knows that nothing is wrong. We talk about how that could show up for either partner in this situation, and Ann shares her unique way of describing attachment styles, and how that can help folks have a smoother separation and reunion in their partnerships.

Quotes:

“we evoke a fight sometimes because we want it to match what's going on inside…and if my head says it should be fine, but my body doesn't, well then I'm gonna go for what I'm feeling.”

Recommended Reading:

Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott

Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Why Doesn't My Partner Take Care of Me When I'm Upset?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 19 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Dear listeners, before you start listening to this episode, would you try something with us?

Sit back in your chair. Take a breath for a second. Notice that you’re alive and breathing. Notice the sensations in your body that tell you that you’re alive. As other thoughts start to pop up, don’t try to push them away just yet instead just let yourself notice that they’re there. Notice them, and now go back to your breath. Take your time. What’s happening inside you now?

This, dear listeners, is withnessing, and it’s what this episode is all about. Or listener question speaks to a deep desire to be taken care of by their partner, so we start by asking, “what kind of state are each of your brains in? When you’re worked up and upset, your brain is going to have a really hard time giving or receiving support, even when that feels like what you want to do most in the world.

So take a second to slow down. Witness what’s happening inside you and give your brain a chance to shift into a state that’s more interested in connection and bonding. Showing up for yourself is where it all starts.

Quotes:

The part of your brain that's going to help you shift from one state to another is going to be activated when you slow down and watch what's happening right now inside you.

In order to be there for my partner…I don't have to worry about how to soothe them. I only have to worry about how to witness me.

There is something so empowering about knowing I don't have to wait for my partner to be integrated enough to support me. I can do this for myself.

This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Why Does My Partner Want Me to Tell Him How to Change?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 12 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0400

If your partner asked you to tell them how they should change, would that feel gratifying or scary? And how would you react? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, we think that’s the perfect time for a YOU-turn. And if that thought doesn’t make you uncomfortable…we think that’s ALSO a perfect time for a YOU-turn! That means turning back towards yourself and being curious about what hopes or fears are hidden underneath that reaction. That will help you get beyond the strategy – what either of you do or don’t do – to the underlying need, which is how do you want to feel in this relationship?

Quotes:

“It’s freaking hard to be human with other humans!”

“Where do we learn how to be relational? Where do we learn what connection is?”

“And so where do we form our protective strategies? It's inside of our early experiences. They're not just there. They're there because.”

“If things are going well, it doesn't mean that hard things don't happen. It means that you can turn towards each other when they do.”

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 05 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0400

What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?

…and is it a problem?

Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.

If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.

Quotes:

“there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”

“Maybe there’s no such thing as neurotypical.”

“We don’t have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.”

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

My partner broke trust. So why do they say that they don't trust me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Having a trusting relationship means you and your partner never let each other down ever, right? WDMP Podcast listeners know the answer to that one…no way! So what does it mean when we talk about trust in a partnership? Today’s listener question leads us right down that path, unpacking the many different kinds of trust there can be, making explicit agreements and setting expectations, and what to do when your partner goes into defensive mode.

If you haven’t already, make sure to listen to the other episode that we mention in the show, Why Do I Feel So Bad When My Partner Gets Disappointed or Mad at Me?

Quotes:

"most of us, in most of our relationships, we're having ruptures daily. And if we're doing relationship well, we're catching some of those...and we're making repair."

"there's no breach of trust or betrayal without an actual agreement that we both said yes to."

"Projection is when I take a feeling that I know very intimately and put that on you."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Give Me Anxiety

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 20 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Anxiety is a signal that’s really good at letting you know something isn’t working – the only thing is, it’s not so good at pointing out exactly what that thing is. Diving into today’s question about anxiety in a relationship brings us to unpacking just what anxiety is, attachment styles, culture and epigenetics, and a whole lot more. We also talk about what it means to stop fighting your anxiety and begin to change your relationship to it, and how that can have results that resonate far wider than you might think.

Quotes:

“It’s contagious. It's really hard to be with someone who's anxious and not either feel anxious also or have a desire to turn away...or get them to stop it...or try to fix it, or fix them.”

"When anxiety is coming at you, it's really, really overwhelming, and you either join it, or you try to change it, or you try to leave it."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Threaten to Leave When We Argue?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today’s question brought up a lot of feelings in us. More than anything, we want to offer our support and compassion to this listener, and any of you out there, who are feeling iced out of your relationship like this, whose partners react to conflict by threatening to leave or shutting them out for weeks at a time.

We also have compassion for the person doing this sort of thing to their partner, for the pain they’re feeling, and the stuckness they must be experiencing. We know that so often, this is something that’s been learned over many years, from childhood, from one’s family and culture.

In this episode, discuss some of the ways that someone might end up believing that this is their only option, but we also turn it around and ask, “What are you hoping for here? And have you looked at the cost? Can you find the bravery to try another way?

Quotes:

“If you have a dynamic where your partner is afraid that you're going to leave, you're basically in relationship with yourself.”

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Stay Upset When I Try to Repair?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 06 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0400

When we talk about repair, we’re talking about a whole lot more than saying you’re sorry. Sometimes jumping to apologize right away can actually be counterproductive. On the other hand, letting something stay unresolved in a relationship leads to festering hurt and resentment. With today’s listener question, we talk about what happens when one person wants to engage in repair after a conflict, and the other person just isn’t ready to go there.

Plus, we’re now officially celebrating 100 episodes of WDMP! We’re so grateful to each and every one of you who have listened, submitted questions, left reviews, participated in workshops, and in every other way supported us over the past 3+ years of making this show. Here’s to the next hundred!

Love,

Rebecca, Vickey, Jules, & Al

Quotes:

“If I initiate a repair and they are not ready to receive that repair, am I going to be okay? If the answer to that is “no,” then I'm not ready to initiate a repair, I'm trying to control [their] behavior.”

“…out of connection with myself [is] out of connection with you.”

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learnmore at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Neurodiverse Relationships

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 30 Jan 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Today’s listener question comes from a partner in a neurodiverse couple, asking us to talk about navigating differences when one partner has neurological differences like Autism or ADHD, and the other is “neurotypical.”

Oh boy do we have thoughts and feelings about this! We end up spending a lot of time sharing how neurodiversity impacts our own lives, helping us discover that it’s not about one partner being different, but about accepting the reality that we’re different from each other. Inside of that, we find a lot of unspoken expectations, fears, and hurts, but…we also find a whole lot of amazing opportunities.

Quotes:

Are you expecting that what closeness feels like to you is the same as what it feels like to me?

We can't have unspoken expectations and think we're going to meet each other in the same place.

How do we have a conversation that’s less about “you’re different,” and more about “we’re different?

Not the same doesn't mean…rejection…it means not the same.

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Why does my husband not see things in our house that are askew?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 23 Jan 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Our brains are taking in an incredible 11 million bits of information per second! Thank goodness we’ve got our salience neural network - system of neural connections -- that filters all of that down to an amount we can actually take in and process! But that also means that there’s actually a whole lot going around us that we never perceive on a conscious level. So how do our brains decide what to take in or not? What happens when your partner’s salience network isn’t taking in exactly the same things as yours? It’s episode 2 of season 6 of the Why Does My Partner Podcast, enjoy!

Quotes:

"What is emotionally relevant to you is [most likely] different than what's emotionally relevant to your partner…so if you want to change it, you need to join each other and make it emotionally salient for both of you."

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Isn't it fair to ask our partner not to scoff at us?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 07:00:00 -0400

Here we are in season 6 of the Why Does My Partner podcast! We want to start out with a question we’ve been getting a lot, especially since our boundary mini-series (go back and give that a listen now if you haven’t already!). It goes something like this:

“I get that practicing boundaries means working to not personalize others’ actions, but also…isn’t it fair to ask them not to do something that doesn’t feel loving to me?”

Of course, it’s fair! Take a listen to this episode to hear our thoughts on just that, as well as how practicing your psychological boundaries can actually mean speaking up for yourself more, not less, plus much, much more!

Don’t forget to subscribe to WDMP on your favorite podcast app to stay up to date with the rest of season 6!

Quotes:

Your psychological boundary helps you figure out what you're not okay with…and [helps you have] relationally cleaner conversation about the thing you don't like.

Setting a boundary is about adding protection, not punishment.

I don’t need to make you more like me to be okay.

I have worth just for being who I am. And I get to speak for that because if I don't, who's gonna?

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

[BONUS] Is there something wrong with me for not wanting physical contact?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 05 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0400

For this final episode of our bonus series on boundaries, our listener question is about struggling to say no to physical touch from their partner when they don’t feel like it, and wondering “is there something wrong with me when I want space?”

No, dear listener, there’s nothing wrong with you, and that goes for anyone listening who’s ever felt the same. It’s okay to want space sometimes, it’s okay to express what kind of touch does or doesn’t feel good to you, and more than anything, it’s ok to talk about these things.

So many of us have come from homes and cultures where we were never taught how to say no or have had experiences where we wanted to say no and couldn’t. When that history gets carried into our relationships, it can show up as unspoken feelings, resentment, and shame that gets in the way of having those open conversations that make sure there is real, enthusiastic consent.

We’re so glad that you’ve stuck with us through this extra-special bonus series, and we hope that in listening, you’re inspired to explore your own boundaries with compassion, and bravery. We also hope that we’ve inspired you to get you’re on copy of Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, written by our very own Jules Shore! It’s available now for pre-order, and if you liked what you’ve heard here, we just know you’re going to love this too.

Finally, we’d like to leave you with Andrea Gibson poem that Rebecca quotes in the episode:

let your

heart break

so your spirit

doesn’t.

Quotes:

You live in your body and you’re the only one who can say what feels okay and not okay for your body. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for saying no.

You don’t get to set boundaries and not disappoint people. That’s not a thing.

Everyone assumes disappointment is bad…what if it’s not?

Disappointment sucks…but it’s not useless.

Say yes to disappointment, not because it’s good or bad, but because it’s part of life.

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

[BONUS] Push Me Until I Lose It?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 28 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Y’all, this episode is jam packed. We’ve got not one but TWO questions from listeners that get us diving straight into you-turns, compassion practices, times out and times in, and so, so much more. Both questions start similarly: “why does my partner push me until I…” but once we scratch the surface, it’s not too long before we discover the real question: “When I feel pushed, why do I end up acting in ways that don’t feel good to me?”

That’s what boundaries are all about, folks. Keep listening for some practical tools that will help you develop the brain space to accept that your partner is not always going to behave in the way you want them to, and that’s just not something you’re going to be able to control. But when you learn to pause and treat yourself with compassion instead of harshness, you’ll start to find the space to make choices that allow you to live up to the version of yourself that you want to be.

Today’s episode as well as this entire bonus series is based on and inspired by Jules’ new book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available on December 1st at all major booksellers. Pre-order your copy now!

Quotes:

“Boundaries are not about what the other person is doing. They're about what you do.”

“Containing boundaries help us to behave in ways that are in sync with our integrity.”

“Compassion [is knowing] that most of us did not get taught anything about how to pause in real time between what we feel and what we do.”

“Taking care of you is taking care of us.”

Plus this quote, which we mention in the episode, attributed to Viktor Frankl:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations use the ‘WDMP’ discount code at check out.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

[BONUS] Why do I feel so bad when my partner gets disappointed or mad at me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0400

This is a really special episode of WDMP to share with you! Our regular listeners know that we don’t shy away from sharing examples of our own relationship work on the show, but today Vickey takes it even further, signing herself up to do some psychological boundary work of her own right here, on air. As you follow along with Vickey, you’ll learn how to discern what really is or isn’t about you in a conflict, as well as how to listen with acceptance, allowing and valuing your partner having their own feelings and process, without feeling threatened or hurt.

These exercises are based on Jules’ new book Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available now for pre-order at all major booksellers. We’re also so grateful to Vickey for bravely sharing her process, and of course a HUGE thanks to her husband, Gabe, who also gave his blessing to share this with you, our listeners, even though he wasn’t there to record.

Finally, join us next week when we talk about containing boundaries!

Quotes:

“If somebody is experiencing disappointment or anger, even in response to a very specific thing you did, that does not mean it’s entirely about you.”

"A psychological boundary is the space between your mind and my mind where it’s totally possible for us to feel very differently…and have it be okay and safe enough for us to stay in connection."

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

[BONUS] Respect My Boundaries

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 14 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0400

It’s episode 2 of our mini-series on boundaries, and we’ve got a listener question that we think a lot of our listeners are going to relate to. Have you ever been this person? You told your partner that you wanted something from them, and then they just don’t do it. You’re upset, of course, because they didn’t respect your boundaries! You communicated them clearly enough, so they should have to follow through, right?

…right?

Here’s the thing. Boundaries aren’t about getting other people to do what you want. Actually, what they are about is deciding what you’re going to do when something happens that you don’t like, and then sticking to it. In this episode, we continue our discussion of Jules’ 6 steps for boundary setting with some guidance on communicating your needs and wants and how to create your plan for setting an external boundary. If you haven’t already, check out episode 1 on the mini-series to get caught up on our introduction to boundary-setting, and stay tuned for next week’s episode. We’ll be getting into what happens when boundaries are set, and how to deal with all of the feelings that come up, whether you’re the one setting the boundaries or the one having boundaries communicated to you.

Quotes:

Boundaries are self-worth in action. You have to see the value of you to see that there’s something worth protecting.

A healthy boundary…is one that’s flexible and honors your truth.

The more protected I am, the more integrated my brain stays, the more relational I can be with you.

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

[BONUS] Intro to Boundaries Miniseries: 6 Steps to Setting Boundaries

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Wed, 08 Nov 2023 23:00:00 -0400

Guess what, Jules wrote a book! It’s called Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, and to celebrate, we’re doing a five-part mini-series all about setting and maintaining boundaries that actually work. In this episode, Jules talks us through her 6 steps for setting external boundaries, or the boundaries that communicate to others what is and is not ok for you, the boundary setter. Join us to hear about why boundary setting is really all about you, not the other person, and stay tuned for more in episode 2, out next week.

Also, don’t forget to pre-order Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available December 1st, 2023 at bookstores everywhere.

Quotes:

“What’s actually really hard is not to name what we want, but to deal with the response to naming what we want.”

“When it comes to control, the only person you get to control is you.”

“A boundary is not about getting somebody else to do anything. It’s actually about ‘what are you going to do?’”

This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Never Want to Celebrate Holidays or Major Milestones

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 19 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0400

It's our final episode of season five, and the question we’re answering today is “Wouldn’t it just be easier if we were all the same?” Okay, that’s not exactly true, but we are talking about navigating differences within your partnership, especially when kids are part of the picture. The question starts off with a disagreement about how to mark holidays and important life events, which gets us wondering about the role of ritual and tradition in each of these partner's lives growing up, and the meaning they’ve taken from that into their lives together. What are the needs each of them is expressing inside of the strategies they are disagreeing about? If we explore those needs, we can start to get at all the implicit learnings that are coming in with them, transforming the argument into a creative collaboration.

We’re so glad you’ve stuck around with us for this season of the Why Does My Partner Podcast! We’ll be back soon with more content for you, but in the meantime, if you’d like to go deeper, our upcoming workshop Integrating Mind and Heart: A Brain Savvy Workshop That Transforms Your Relationships is happening September 22-24th! It's coming up fast, but there's still time register, so check it out now at whydoesmypartner.com/events.

Quotes:

"Separate the needs that are getting met from the strategy that you’re using to meet them."

"Some things we learn about the way the world works aren’t learned like a thought, they’re learned by being emotionally known."

"The conscious brain is not the efficient brain."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Feel Okay With Getting Close When She's Leaving in Six Months

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 12 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0400

What if a relationship ending didn’t mean it was a failure? It’s our second-to-last episode of season 5. We’re answering a question that takes us inside some complicated relationship dynamics, from open relationships and polyamory to long distance and relationships with a time limit. We offer a big YOU-turn for you when you’re wondering what your partner is thinking or feeling about an issue and offer some compassion for your protective parts that want to “get you out of hard.” Finally, listen until the end to hear what each of us really thinks about open relationships. Spoiler: it’s three different things!

Quotes:

"Accepting that grief is inevitable is about saying yes to a full experience."

"What if there is no goalpost for relationship? What if it’s just being together in this moment, and then in the next one, and the next one?"

"If you’re ever wondering about your partner’s feelings, walk over to them and ask."

"The deeper you get, the more you're gonna grieve. But the alternative is saying 'no' and avoiding the whole experience."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Have Trouble With My Feelings

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0400

It’s another two-fer episode today, with a pair of questions that have to do with partners interrupting or getting annoyed when the other partner wants to talk about feelings. Plus, we’ve got WDMP producer/music therapist Al Hoberman back on as a special guest!

When is it a good time to bring up 'feelings talk' in your house? During dinner? Before bed? While watching TV? A big part of having these kinds of conversations is knowing when your partner has the capacity to be there with you. And for the listener, it’s so much easier to have capacity when you know how the speaker wants you to be there for them. That’s why we’re spending so much time in this episode on having meta conversations about how and when you and your partner can show up for each other. That means learning to balance short term tension with long term pain, separating vulnerability from shame, and learning how to be with someone’s process.

Quotes:

“That’s what happens when we bring up feelings. We go there fast.”

“Everything you put out into the world is influencing the world around you. But you still don’t actually control other people’s feelings. You really don’t.”

"The brain gauges pain differently depending on how close it is. So, it will guess that pain far away is less bad than pain close to me in time, even if that’s not actually true…. We’re misjudging the long-term cost vs. the short-term cost."

“The experience of being a listener is totally transformed when you know what the person who’s speaking wants from you. It’s so much easier to meet them there, when you know how they want to be met.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Accuse Me of Invalidating His Feelings

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 29 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Today we have an extra special episode of Why Does My Partner, as we welcome our special guest, Al Hoberman! Besides being the sound editor and producer of WDMP, Al is a music psychotherapist in private practice. He’s joining us for this listener question, which takes us down the rabbit hole of asking “Just what is a feeling anyway? How do you know when you’re having one, and what counts as ‘talking about them?’” We get into socialized gender roles, communicating without words, learning to tolerate disagreement, and creating a pausing practice to up your self-compassion.

Plus, finally we get to talk about Jules’ new book, Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected and Empowered. Available December 1st at a book seller near you!

Quotes:

"Even when someone doesn’t know how to talk about feelings…they’re being expressed in all sorts of ways that don’t involve words.”

“Any two people don’t really speak the same language. We have to learn each other.”

"Relational health means a having a high tolerance for disagreement."

"A tolerance for some disagreement is something that we have to be in if we’re gonna be vulnerable enough to share our real selves."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Let Go of Focusing on the Relationship When Things in Their Life Get Stressful

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 22 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0400

What happens inside of your relationship when things in other parts of your life start to get stressful? Maybe it feels like you have less time to dedicate to your partner, or that your energy is just completely spent after a long day, and you just don’t have it in you to be present and relational. That’s the topic of today’s question, and it takes us into a conversation all about integrated vs. unintegrated brain states, windows of tolerance, and why scheduling your spontaneity is such an important part of cherishing your relationship.

Quotes:

“If you want to treat your relationship like it matters, you have to treat it like it matters. You have to cherish the relationship."

“Okay does not mean 'It feels good.' It means 'I believe I can handle this. I trust myself.'”

“If it's not scheduled, it's not really a priority.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact.

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events.

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Why Does Everything My Partner Does Irritate Me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 15 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Congratulations! You’ve been working hard on this relationship, and it really feels like you’re getting to the next level. So why is it that everything your partner does is so darn annoying? If that’s happening for you, you’re not alone. In today’s episode, we’re discussing why we always seem to pick a partner who knows exactly how to push our buttons, and what that can tell us about our own psychological floor. Keep listening to learn about inner fix-it protectors, why we don’t believe in finding “the right one,” and how if everything your partner does annoys you, that could actually be a good sign.

Quotes:

What makes a match right is that we can do the hard stuff, not that there isn’t hard stuff.

How many of the things that irritate you about your partner line up with things that are tender from your early learnings?

One of the best things I can do for my partnership is to protect him from my fantasy.

If I’m gonna be authentic, I have to let myself be irritated.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Want to Hurt Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 08 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0400

We talk about hurt a lot on this podcast, so much so that we released a whole mini-series called “Discord Builds Trust...No Really!” (Check it out if you haven't already!) So when this question came along, we had a lot of angles to cover. We discuss making YOU-turns on the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, and when lashing out is really about a deep desire to connect. We also talk healthy distance, and how sometimes compassion means taking care of yourself, not sticking around for the hope of relational safety.

The resource mentioned in this episode is the book Archaeology of the Mind by Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven.

Quotes:

"Compassion is care."

"If I start by meeting myself with compassion, I might be able to notice that I have some kind of resource, some kind of other option.”

"You are valuable enough to protect."

"Hope for showing up in relational health and maturity [shouldn’t] mean you're compromising your safety and deep emotional wellbeing."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Expect Fairness

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 01 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0400

What do apes, grapes, and celery have to do with each other? They’re all on today’s episode of the WDMP podcast! Our listener question brings us to exploring what lies beneath the desire for fairness, and what’s really being communicated when one partner is feeling resentful or underserved. Topics include what it means to attack from the victim position, inherited expectations, and flinging poo. No, really!

Quotes:

"As an interdependent species, we equate fairness with justice seeking. And it’s in our wiring to feel upset…[so] when we’re in our couples and we perceive unfairness, what’s our move?"

“You get to have a pause between what you feel and what you do.”

"What is equity to you? What is fairness to you? What is justice to you? And if you get it, what needs get met for you?"

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Want to Get Back Together After Breaking Up With Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0400

We’re not going to lie, today’s question hit home for a lot of us here at Why Does My Partner HQ. We’re sharing our stories of relationships where it was hard to let go as we respond to this listener, whose partner keeps breaking up with her and getting back together...now more than seven times.

There’s some big YOU-turns to be made in this story, and at the center of it all is the question, “What would happen if you said: ‘No, I don’t want this?‘” Would there be grief that you’ve been avoiding? Fear of being alone? These answers could be "yes" for either person in this story. And it could also be that there’s a process going on here, and in that back and forth, there’s some kind of learning or repair going on. So, the YOU-Turn is also about realizing that if that’s what’s happening, and it doesn’t feel okay for you, what’s the cost of letting it continue?

Quotes:

Sometimes we’re learning what love is as we go.

A lot of who I was at that young age was who I was told to be.

Clear is kind, and unclear is unkind. -Brené Brown

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Use Sex as a Weapon

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Here we are with Season 5 of the Why Doesn’t My Partner podcast! This episode is about mismatch, but don’t let the title fool you - it’s not just about sex. It’s about the discomfort of experiencing mismatch in your partnership, and the shame of wanting something that maybe somewhere in your life, you’ve learned is not okay. Starting with this You-turn, we cover topics like discovering your psychological floor, and how to notice the subtle cues that tell you you’re nearing it. How do we open up about our ingrained beliefs around what’s okay when it comes to sex? What does it mean to move from a culture of shame to a culture of pleasure?

Today’s invitation is to start building a map of your relationship to sex, sexuality, and pleasure. What are all the things you’ve learned from your family, culture, society, and your past? Next, what do you know about your own desire? About what does or doesn’t feel good to you? And how has that changed over time? Because it probably has! Once you’ve done that, take a listen to the episode for an exercise you can do with your partner to get the conversation started.

Resources mentioned today are Sex When You Don't Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell, Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, and Magnificent Sex by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana Ménard

Quotes:

“Especially in places where we’re all the same, we stop taking risks. We stop trying to figure things out. We’re not in a place of, 'I wonder if I did it differently, what would that feel like?’”

"Your psychological floor is as unique as a fingerprint."

"It's really hard to talk about what we don't know."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Why Am I the Only One Who Raises the Red Flag and Has to Say This Marriage Is Not Going Well?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 04 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Is there one person in your partnership that always brings up the issues? Whether that’s you or your partner, chances are there are some real feelings of disconnection and loneliness all around. On today’s episode, it’s all about how our attachment styles guide our gut instincts to either distance ourselves from conflict or try to smooth it over right away. We discuss what might be happening when there’s a mismatch between those two styles in a partnership, and how stepping up and learning to raise issues is an amazing way to show your partner that they’re being seen and heard. Of course, we offer you some tips on how to get into those conversations, and even discuss what to do to help short-circuit the anger and resentment that might be building up, helping both you and your partner come together more relationally.

We want to thank you all, our dear listeners for staying with us through this, our fourth and final episode of the Discord Builds Trust…No Really bonus mini-series! We hope that these episodes have inspired you to start leaning into the messy moments in your own lives, risking a little discord, and building a little trust…no, really!

Thanks again for listening, and we hope you join us again in just a couple of weeks for the launch of Season 5 on July 18th!

Quotes:

“All couples need to have a way of saying ‘that doesn’t feel good.'"

"Biologically, every single one of us are born to seek care. And when that care is met with care, then play comes next."

"If I’m not risking vulnerability, what am I avoiding?"

"Rage is a bid for connection."

"Most people avoid the fight because they don’t know a way out."

"What we're trying to build here is our ability to tolerate that this kind of stuff is going to happen. And our trust that we can do this together."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Want Me to Just Get Over the Hurt

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Ok, so maybe we’ve convinced you that Discord Builds Trust (No Really!). You’re on board, you’re practicing sitting with your learned beliefs, and you're cultivating curiosity. Now the moment arrives. There’s disconnect, hurt, something went wrong. What do you do? How do you get out of this place and into the trust (no…really!)

On today’s episode of our mini-series, the question is "Why does my partner want me to just get over the hurt?" We start off flipping the question on its head and pointing out some unspoken feelings inside of that question, which takes us into picking apart the difference between toxic shame and remorse. Finally, we share some strategies for getting out of that shame pit and into a more relational space, ready for repair.

Check out this framework for apology and accountability from Mia Mingus, which we reference in today’s episode.

Quotes:

"Hurt is not a bug in relationships. Hurt is a feature in relationships."

"Remorse is a trust builder."

“If you feel bad about having a painful impact, that says something really good about your heart."

"Accountability is not just about apologizing; it's about understanding the impact that your actions have caused on both yourself and others."

"Be curious about what would help you move from this disrepair back into connection right now. Right now, not every single time this might come up in the future. Right this second."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Bring Up Safe Topics to Solve a Problem When There Are Hidden Issues Not Being Discussed

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 20 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Hello and welcome to episode two of our mini-series, Discord Builds Trust…No Really!

It’s such a natural, human thing to want to avoid conflict. We all do it! But when we do, we’re missing the chance to have a new experience of trying something hard with someone we love, and finding out that we can do it. That’s why we call it earning trust.

Our bodies and our brains are primed to remember past struggles and do everything they can to protect us by avoiding the same thing happening again. That doesn’t just apply to our own lived experiences, but also to the generations of learning that have been passed down to us from our ancestors. They teach us that certain things aren’t ok to bring up, are dangerous to even think or feel. That’s what Resmaa Menakem is talking about when he says, “Trauma decontextualized in a people over time can look like culture.”

In this series, we’re inviting you to become more aware of these learned beliefs and to sit with them with compassion and kindness. When you do, you have a golden opportunity to blend that learning with other parts of your brain that can take in the world around you as it’s happening right now.

You may want to try this exercise from Dan Siegel, which we share in today’s episode. It’s an acronym called BASIC: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Image, Cognition. Take it one piece at a time, in any order, asking yourself the questions and observing with curiosity and kindness:

Behavior: What am I doing right now? Is my body being pulled to move, or not move in some way?

Affect: What am I feeling? Can I notice it and give it a name?

Sensation: What are my five senses taking in, and what am I feeling in my body?

Image: what images come to mind when I sit in this place? Pictures? Sense memories?

Cognition: What thoughts am I having? What meaning am I making up about what’s going on inside and around me right now?

Quotes:

“Trust is not built in moments that are going well. Trust is not built in safety moments.”

"You need to rumble in order to earn trust."

"What do our histories know about conflict?"

“…[fighting about] something that feels like it should be pretty benign…the process underneath it is ‘we don’t know how to do conflict. I don’t know how to tolerate that we might really see things differently.”

“If I come at myself harshly, I’m going to run away from myself. If I come at myself with kindness and curiosity, that might just shift that I know I can do this. And if I know that I can do this, then I can bring it to you.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Feel Most Comfortable Connecting on a Surface Level

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 13 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0400

We’re back, dear listeners, as promised with a bonus mini-series: Discord Builds Trust…No Really!

Really, it does! We’re not kidding with you on this one. So then why are we sometimes more comfortable with superficial, surface level topics? We’re opening up this conversation by acknowledging that intimacy is hard, and vulnerability can be scary, and wait – just what is a surface level topic, anyway? The truth is, if you’re feeling like there’s a mismatch between you and your partner on how deeply you’re connecting, there’s a lot of reasons why that could be the case. How are you each defining surface versus depth? How were they treated in your respective families of origin? What else might be going on in your lives that might be affecting your capacity for going deep at this moment?

When we start asking ourselves and our partners these questions, we’re facing the truth that mismatch is inevitable. What feels comforting and close to you might feel invasive and controlling to your partner, and what is light and playful to them could feel superficial or avoiding to you. In these moments of discord, when our visions of what we want our relationships to look like come into conflict with who our partners really are, that’s when we can put aside our agendas and approach the conversation with curiosity and connection, with a real desire to learn something new about our partners and offer them the opportunity to learn something about us, too.

Quotes:

“Everybody has a different magical want.”

"For some people, depth brings comfort and safety. And for others, surface or play.”

"Go ahead and feel into these moments of mismatch. And then lean into navigating them together.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Discord Builds Trust...No Really! (Bonus Series Teaser)

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 23 May 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Hello dear listeners! We're popping into your podcast feed today to let you know that our next Bonus Mini Series, Discord Builds Trust...No Really! will be launching on June 13, 2023! To get things going, we're sharing a message from one of you, following up on the question they asked in Season 4. Thank you so much to that couple for sharing their story, and thank you to all of you for listening. See you all again in a few weeks!

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Become More Needy the Healthier I Get and the More I Try to Establish Healthy Boundaries

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 25 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Here it is folks, our last episode of season 4! Today’s conversation sums up so much of what we’ve been talking about this season, from slowing down and having the tough conversations, to building trust, to what does it really mean to practice boundaries, anyway?

As we discuss this listener’s question, we’re thinking about how people exist together as part of interconnected systems. When one part of the system changes, it resonates in the whole web, and inevitably creates change. In relationships, that means that when your partner senses you making changes in yourself, they’ll respond in some way, whether they’re aware of it or not. It could be an uncomfortable change for them at first, and all that newness may make them look for how to get back to status quo. But it also could be that, with enough time and space, there’s an opportunity for a new balance to emerge.

So what does that have to do with boundaries? It's all about recognizing that we really only have a say over our part of the web. From that place, we can decide how we’re going to react when things happen to us that don’t feel good, but ultimately, we can’t control how that’s going to resonate with our partner. What we can do is slow down and tend to ourselves so we can show up to talk about it with our partner with relational presence, feeling connected and protected.

Thank you so much for being with us for yet another season of WDMP! You may have noticed that we’ve switched to a 10-episode-per-season format, which will allow us to emphasize and elongate our miniseries with a bit more consciousness. So look forward to our next bonus miniseries coming soon, followed by another 10-episode season later in the year.

Until then, stay protected and connected.

Quotes:

"Change is one of these amazing things that, when it happens, can really begin to transform a relationship. And it is one of the places that folks get really stuck."

"If we make a request, then we're asking for a behavior change. If we make a boundary... a boundary isn't about what somebody else is gonna do. It's about what you're gonna do in response to how someone else is."

"How do you tend to yourself in a way that takes good care of you so that you could really show up in some kind of relational presence, feeling connected and protected, feeling that you are able to really be alive with each other?"

"We’re bound to get off course. It’s bound not to be perfect. Everybody gets lost on the mountain sometimes. Where you grow the trust though, is not in it never happening, but…in when it happens. What I trust is that we can do this together. We can do hard things, we can figure this out, we can get through it."

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously - Prentis Hemphill

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Need Sex to Feel Connected While I Need to Feel Connected to Have Sex

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Today’s question leads us into exploring what we each understand sexual intimacy to mean, and what we can do if that understanding doesn't seem to line up with our partner’s. We’re encouraging you, dear listeners, to start to learn about and understand your own sexual templates: what are your likes and dislikes, what are some of the beliefs you have about what those preferences mean, and what in your history has led you there? When you and your partner each engage in that personal work, then there’s an opportunity to talk to each other, confront the projections that might be going on, and come to a place of greater intimacy and understanding.

Quotes:

"There's a huge range of how we express ourselves and how we embody ourselves sexually."

"Foreplay begins 48 hours before you're intimate with each other."

"We're sold this lie, through Hollywood and everything else, that there's something about sex that's supposed to be natural, and we're all supposed to get it."

"We're basically looking at two things when we talk about sex. We're looking at, where's the arousal, where's the gas? And where's the brakes?"

A great resource for working through discovering your own sexual template is Sex When You Don't Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire by Cyndi Darnell.

You can also listen to Cyndi's interview with Rebecca on our sister podcast here: Connectfulness S3E42: The Truth About Mismatched Libido & Desire with Cyndi Darnell.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Tell Me What Upsets Them

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 11 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today’s listener question asks about a partner who says there’s nothing wrong, but the asker is worried he’s holding back. We take this into a discussion about trust, and how embracing discord gives you an opportunity to strengthen a relationship. We cover what it means to repair after discord, what the research is telling us about conflict and repair, and how often we can really expect that repair to happen…at least in the way we were expecting it.

Today’s Resource is The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold

Quotes:

“Trust is built through discord and repair.”

“The thing that’s needed is the attempt towards repair.… It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Have a Secret World and Not Let Me In

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 04 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Would you know everything about your partner? Like, really, really everything? There’s a delicate balance in every relationship between the intimacy of knowing each other deeply and keeping the magic alive with a bit of mystery. In today’s episode, we get into how intimacy comes from knowing a lot about our partner, which makes us feel safe, while mystery – leaving some things unknown – brings the thrill of discovery, intrigue, and passion. Too much safety, and you might not have enough passion, but too much mystery can lead to feeling unsafe and insecure. That’s where we find today’s question asker, who wonders what’s going on when their partner seems to disappear into his inner world, leaving them behind. We discuss some of the possible obstacles to sharing and get into what it actually means to pay attention to your own internal experience. Finally, we finish up with an offer for you to get curious and open up a conversation with your partner that invites closeness and discovery.

For those wanting to learn more about mystery and intimacy in relationships, here’s Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, as well as her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship”

Quotes:

“It’s the distance and the spice…the stuff that makes it hot - that’s the mystery.”

“When we're making invitations, they can't be demands.”

"From a partner to a partner, if you start a question with a 'why,' it's a good way to bring up defense."

“How close would you like to be to your partner? Do you wonder what their experience is like?”

"Your brain can watch your own mind."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Always Have to Get Their Way

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 28 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Rebecca is bringing the question today so that we can go deeper on the language of “power over, power under, and power with.”

We live in such a hierarchical, win-or-lose society, it's no wonder that we learn to think of power as a zero-sum game, where we compete for who has more control, more influence, more freedom to act. But when we learn to switch to power-with thinking, where power is an abundant, shared resource, all of a sudden it’s a lot more messy, a lot less black and white, but there’s room for everyone’s voice to matter, and to have something important to say.

So how do you bring this power-with viewpoint into your relationship? You guessed it, it’s about vulnerability. We’re inviting you to let go a little bit of your fear of losing power, and trust that when you empower others, it empowers you too.

Resources from this episode:

All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks

Brené Brown's TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability

Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World by Tyson Yunkaporta

Quotes:

“The truth is power is abundant. And it can be shared and there's no reason it can't be.”

“Power-with tends towards messier conversations with less clear outcomes. Because we tend to be a little less black and white when we’re in that space. I want more of your voice in, but I want more of my voice in too, and our voices aren’t the same.”

“If [power] is finite, then it inherently ends up leading to violence, psychological and/or physical. And so if we want to be part of lessening violence in the world, shifting this thinking is really helpful.”

“The longing is to figure out power-with. But we don't even get that, oh wait, you have to change how you think about power, period. And that if you want equality, the messy gray has to be more present in your partnership.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why Do I Take Care of My Partner When They Apologize To Me?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today’s question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it’s their partner who was doing the apologizing. What’s up with that? Realizing that you’ve hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it’s someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair work you and your partner need after that hurt. We discuss where that shame comes from, and how the alternative – remorse – actually helps you get out of feeling social threat and lets you hold both you and your partner a little more tenderly.

Quotes:

"If you are out there in the world paying attention to how people feel about you, you are not weird. You are listening to the bed nucleus of your stria terminalis, which is a fancy word for the part of your brain that is paying attention to whether or not people like you enough to keep you around."

"Remorse is a gift to the other person, but...it's actually just as much a gift to you. Because doing that is so in line with your integrity, it actually buoys up your self-worth."

"When I move into remorse, I'm completely shifting the focus. I'm no longer inside of self-focus, I'm now moving into a space that's much more relationally focused."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Complain When I Play Golf

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 14 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0400

It’s a fun one today on the WDMP podcast as we answer a question that’s sounds at first like it’s about hobbies and taking time for things we enjoy, but really gets down to how we distribute resources in our relationship. We discuss how conflicts over fairness can come up when one or both people in a couple are feeling depleted, anxious, or envious, and how to get out of that trap. We’re talking skills like getting curious, making You-turns, and direct requests.

Quotes:

"if you're catching yourself in your partnership caught up in a fairness thing, then what does that mean to you? What is, what is it that you're, you're each seeking fairness around? And what does that fairness represent?"

"…If you are complaining, hold on. You-turn, see if you can word that in a way that's actually request, and then check yourself. Would it be okay if I heard 'no?' If not, it's not a direct request. It's a demand disguised with a question mark."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Interracial Relationships

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Instead of a regular question, today we're answering a listener's request to talk about the dynamics between interracial couples and the conflicts that arise from their cultural differences.

We take it as an opportunity to slow down and acknowledge that there's so much that comes with this big, heavy topic. There's the weight of inherited hurt and oppression, the weight of silenced voices and marginalized bodies. Of trying to do things differently - maybe even better - than those who came before us. We discuss how this situation can be ripe for misunderstanding as each person brings generations of meaning and experience into the relationship, which could be totally different from their partners. Finally, we share an embodied practice for pausing, checking in with your inner vibrations, and letting yourself imagine what could be and being honest about what you don't know.

Quote:

“Imagination lives in that space of transformation…it invites it.”

Resources from today: The VIMBASI practice from Resmaa Menakem's The Quaking of America: an Embodied Guide to Navigating Our Nation's Upheaval and Racial Reckoning. You may also want to listen to these two episodes from Rebecca's Connectfulness Practice Podcast: Episode 30: Embodying Anti-Racism in Interracial Relationships with Francesca Maximé and Episode 46: The Impact of Racism on Relationships with Akilah Riley Richardson

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Get Defensive and Justify a Friendship

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 28 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Here in our second episode of season 4, a listener brings us his concerns about his wife’s friendship with a lesbian coworker. We get into topics like feeling dismissed, building trust, and navigating bumpy conversations with your partner where there are lots of tender feelings on both sides. We discuss how healthy boundary-setting isn’t about controlling your partner, it’s about knowing your own limits of comfort, and talk about a way of negotiating boundaries with your partner that helps you both slow down, stay curious, and turn this conflict into an opportunity for greater intimacy.

Quote of the day: “Can you swing in the hammock of not knowing?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Have No Interest In Being More Relational

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0400

We’re back with season four and starting off with the big ones. Today’s question gets Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca asking, “what the heck does ‘relational’ even mean?” It’s a word we use all the time here on the WDMP podcast, so could it really be that you and your partner could have totally different ideas of what it means to be relational? And if that’s true, how do we turn that discovery into an opportunity to co-create our shared relational space?

In true WDMP style, the answers we explore are equal parts brain science, you-turns, and a gentle invitation into vulnerability and a deeper connection to yourself.

Quotes:

“…and then you could come together and see ‘where do our definitions of relational overlap?’ and where they don’t it gives me a map into stuff about you, and where they do, it gives us a map into how to hold us.”

“[Relationality is] really getting that I have influence and no control and living in the truth of that.”

Resources discussed in today's episiode: Dan Siegel's framework for an integrated system

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

make this a lover's day with yourself

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0400

Happy Valentine's Day! Are you ready for more Why Does My Partner? More is coming soon. Season 4 drops next week. We had to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. Our hope is that at least some of you out there will make this a lover's day with yourself. Your relationship between you and you is a huge foundation for any other love relationship that you have. So even if it's only 5 minutes, send yourself a little love today. Take good care, we'll meet you back here next week.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online brain savvy workshop that transforms your relationships: Integrating Mind + Heart. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Want to Make Love to Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Wed, 14 Dec 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the third episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging. This episode covers the topic of sexual intimacy in relationship, if that affects how, when, or if you choose to listen we want you to know that ahead of time.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Doesn't My Partner Want to Make Love to Me?" We're discussing rejection, expectations, and vulnerability. We're inviting listeners to wonder what happens in your body, or floating in the back of your mind, as you think about how likely it is for you to take sexual information (the gesture, the look, the initiation, etc) personally and explore what stories you are making up and loosen the grip those stories have on you so you can enter these conversations with curiosity/interest. We offer you-turns and tools to help you meet vulnerability with vulnerability.

Resources discussed in this episode: Byron Katie's 4 questions and Elyse Myers. And a book we didn't discuss but may be really helpful for listeners who want to dive deeper to explore is Sex When You Don't Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Look Outside for Things to Make Them Feel Good About Themself

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Wed, 07 Dec 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the second episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Look Outside for Things to Make Them Feel Good About Themself?" In answering this question we're discussing self-worth and how self-worth is buoyed up if you have an inner sense that you're not-enough. We explore the ways we may replace our absence of experiencing belonging with attempts to "fit in" and explain the difference. Belonging celebrates us for all of the different aspects of ourselves, allowing us to trust we can move through conflict and discord while honoring each other's differences. We explore a range of upside down forms of boosting one's esteem and offer our typical you-turns for listeners to explore.

Resources discussed in this episode: Kristin Neff and Pia Melody.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Prefer to Keep the Status Quo of Distance in our Relationship

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Wed, 30 Nov 2022 10:00:00 -0400

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the first episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Prefer to Keep the Status Quo of Distance in our Relationship?" We're talking about vulnerability, safety, and taking emotional risks without guarantee of outcome. We discuss how vulnerability is embedded in listening and receiving just as much as it is in sharing, the difference between provocative and responsible distance taking, and how to incorporate time-outs by developing a shared relational language. We also talk about a way of framing status quos. And, as usual, we share an impactful you-turn to explore.

Resource discussed in this episode: The All-Or-Nothing Marriage by Eli J Finkel

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Mood Influence My Mood So Much

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 27 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Does your partner ever give off an energy, even without saying anything, that rubs off on you? Maybe it makes you feel like they’re mad at you, or you simply adopt the mood that they’re in. In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the concept of “emotional contagion” and why we are affected by the unspoken moods of others, and how to navigate and communicate about this issue in your relationship with your partner.

This is our final episode of season 3, thanks for listening for 3 seasons! Stay tuned for our mini-series on worthlessness and belonging. And keep your questions coming, we’ll answer as many as we can next season. Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Bring your partner to our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp! It's a great way to make that you-turn together. Work the boundaries and the spewing of the energy at the same time. Our next Bootcamp is October 7-9, 2022. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Say I'm Therapizing Them

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 20 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0400

In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca answer a listener who asks the following question: “Recently, when my partner and I have been having conflict, I try to come from a place of curiosity, talking to them and saying things that I've noticed and then asking why that might be. They tell me they feel I'm trying to be their therapist. I can understand why they could see it that way, but it's not my intention. I've told them it isn't my intention that I'm just trying to understand their point of view, but they say it feels like I'm not trying to understand, but to analyze. Aren't those the same thing? Do you have advice for balancing between coming from a place of curiosity but not making them feel like I'm trying to be their therapist?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Set Me Up To React

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0400

In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca answer listener question: “Why does my partner set me up to react when he makes controversial statements that are hurtful or mis-representational and expects that I don't react? And then when I react, he tells me that I'm being angry and that I'm wrong. And I always create a fuss about everything when I feel that if he had not said what he said, there wouldn't be an issue.” Is it about wanting to feel “right”? Can someone even make you feel a certain way? Is your interpretation about your partner’s tone, words, your own interpretation, or some combination of these things? Can you partner bring up something that's hard to hear in a way that wouldn't set you to react? When you know something is provocative and you do it anyway, what's your goal? Is this about connection and vulnerability? Join us for a lot of you-turns!

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Interpret Disagreement As Criticism

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 06 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Does it seem like your partner gets defensive and/or hurt most times when you disagree? Have you ever wondered what could be behind that feeling for them and how to create a space where you are still connected and feel safe even in moments of disagreement? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss what could be happening internally with your partner, ways to examine your own words and intentions, and how to diffuse potential conflict and hurt feelings in these moments using compassion and communication.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Want to Open Our Relationship

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 30 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Have you or your partner ever wondered how about opening your relationship? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca cover not only some of the many reasons partners might explore non-monogamy, how to communicate in a connected way about it, how to explore it carefully—and how to express if it doesn’t feel right for you. They share their experiences in working with a variety of partners in open relationships and offer resource material to help guide you through the world of consensual non-monogamy.

Books referenced in this episode:

Open Monogamy by Tammy Nelson

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Do Things They Know Will Hurt Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Fri, 26 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0400

How can you connect while communicating to your partner when they say things that they know (or may not know) will hurt you? Are they trying to be mean and malicious? Are they just trying to get your attention? How do you request that they stop doing it without escalating the interaction? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca analyze possible reasons why your partner might be doing this and how to ask them to stop doing it in a way that increases your understanding of each other.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Act Like Their Mother/Father

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Does your partner ever act like their mother or father? (Hint: we all do it sometimes.) In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca dive deep into this question and discover some truths that will make us rethink about not only why our partner does this, but how to interact with them when they do—and most importantly—how to use it as a chance to see your partner with more compassion and enhance connectedness.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Treat Me Like Their Father/Mother

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Does your partner ever make assumptions about you that are more aligned with their mother or father than they are with you? Or do they react to you sometimes the way they would to their parent? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca tackle the topic of mimicking and modeling what a person grew up with and how extensive that mimicking can affect them on all levels—especially in romantic relationships. And be sure to tune in next week for the flip side of this question: “Why does my partner act like their mother or father?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

See How Much I Do for Them

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 20:00:00 -0400

When we do something “for our partner”...why are we doing it? Are we really doing it for them, or are we doing it for ourselves? Do you end up blaming your partner and calling them “ungrateful”, etc? Or do you sink into a shame pit and believe you’re not doing enough for them to be appreciated? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca pull back the curtain and reveal some of the real reasons why this question is often self-focused and what we can learn about our relationship and about ourselves when we explore it.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Make Me Feel Worthless

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Feeling worthless is always an awful experience no matter where the feeling originated, and it’s never okay to try to make someone else feel worthless. But are your partner’s actions causing you to feel this way? Are they abusive, or could there be other factors at play? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca get deep into some neuroscience to explain how our brains and bodies process emotions and thoughts to create stories in our heads—including those stories we carry around that determine how we feel about ourselves.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Say They Are Focusing On Their ‘Stuff’ But…

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Why does my partner say they are focusing on "their stuff" but it doesn't seem like they are from the outside? Why do they point the finger back at us and tell us to just focus on our own “stuff”? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca talk about several different reasons why you’re not seeing your partner’s internal work, how different people go about doing their internal work, and how to use sharing about each other’s “stuff” instead of judging as an opportunity for vulnerability and deeper connection.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why Do I Have So Many Expectations of My Partner?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0400

We all want to avoid grief, but how do you handle it when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations? Do you silently resent them? Do you take the chance of making a request? Or do you grieve and accept that you’re not going to get what you wanted? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how to look inward to identify the possible sources of our expectations in relationships as well as better ways of communicating wants and needs to our partners.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Still Fight With Their Ex

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0400

What is it that sucks us into the ex-partner dynamic? Is it a need to be “right”? A fear of being vulnerable? Or repeating old patterns from your childhood because that’s where you are most comfortable? In this episode, Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca answer the questions: “Why does my partner keep fighting with their ex? Why is this difficult dynamic such a draw for my partner?” and “How can I help my stepchild who is being affected by their parents arguing without overstepping?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Pick Their Parents Over Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 28 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0400

After money, sex, kids, time and cleaning, in-laws are another topic couples most commonly fight about. “Why do you talk to your mother more than you talk to me? Your mom is in the middle of our relationship.” What could be behind this conflict? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the several reasons why these issues occur; cultural differences, different families’ expectations of what a family relationship should look like, differences between what your new family wants you to do vs. your family of origin, and the fear of not belonging. Explore what “belonging” can look like for each partner’s family system, how to have that conversation about what needs of yours are unmet by this situation, and learn how to use this conversation as an opportunity to deepen intimacy with your partner.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Validate What I'm Feeling When I'm Upset

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0400

“Why doesn't my partner validate what I'm feeling when I'm upset?” The short answer is, because it’s really hard to do. Oftentimes in the moment, one or both of us is too upset to make a responsive choice rather than a reactionary one. But of course there’s more to it than that. The key is in the ask itself. Is it a question of what is true? Or is it about being heard and understood? How do we validate our partners without invalidating our own feelings and subjective truth? But the magic in the ask is that often, when we are able to set aside our own upset temporarily to be there for our partner, those are the arguments that can be the most transformative in any relationship. Listen in as Vickey, Jules and Rebecca share how this issue surfaces in their relationships and in their practices, and the wisdom they’ve gleaned from those moments.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Hate Every Way I'm Different From Them

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0400

This week, a listener asks, “Why does my partner hate every way that I am different from them?” Difference is what makes us human, and how we respond to difference is such an integral part of the human experience. We experience it in our most intimate relationships–with our partners or between siblings, for example. But it’s also at the forefront of our political climate and policy-making, culture clashes, religious wars, racism, sexism, you name it. There is a desire for ease and harmony in the question, but also an undercurrent of grandiosity, loneliness and disconnection. Listen in as Rebecca, Vickey and Jules tap into the many facets of this question, from the deep grief underneath to infant/mother connection to even the humor in the magical thinking.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Want to Work on Our Relationship

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 07 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Relationships can be hard, even healthy ones. They take work. So, what does it mean when one partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship and the other does? Is it a sign that they care less than the other partner? Does it mean their efforts are being overlooked? How much effort and energy should a relationship take anyway? Putting forth extra effort to take a relationship to new places involves a certain amount of risk. Because what if it isn’t reciprocated? Will one of you evolve faster than the other? What if, after all your efforts, the relationship doesn’t change for the better? Putting in the work can be scary. And what’s the role of (and the difference between) safety and complacency? So many questions…. Jules, Vickey and Rebecca dig into all of it as a listener asks, “Why doesn’t my partner want to work on our relationship?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why Can’t I Decide To Stay Or Go?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 31 May 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Have you ever been stuck in a place of indecision over what to do in a relationship? So many of us have. And for living in such a relational culture as we do, we aren’t offered much modeling or wise guidance. Often, we absorb messages like “when they’re the one, you just know” and “when they’re the right person, even the hard stuff is easy.” We beg to differ! These adages might be true for some, but the reality is they’re just not helpful for the rest of us, or worse, they can cause us a lot of confusion, fear and pain. We might think that by staying stuck in indecision we are avoiding trouble or repercussions that could be caused by one of two options, but actually, staying in a place of indecision is a third option and a psychological place all its own. This week, Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explore the costs and rewards of each option, when staying in indecision is the right thing to do (yes, even indecision has its purpose!) and a couple of exercises you can try at home to glean more information to help you make a choice.

Have an Affair

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 24 May 2022 07:00:00 -0400

When we think of the concept of cheating, typically a sexual affair comes to mind. But that is only one form of cheating out of a myriad of ways. Ultimately, cheating is a betrayal, a breach of agreement. And too often, our agreements aren’t well communicated. The risk then is that there are differing ideas of the agreements in place–in other words, an unspoken disagreement in place, with a high chance of someone feeling betrayed sooner or later. But sometimes, our agreements are clearly communicated and we still fall short of expectations. It happens. We have all done it, even if we’ve never had an affair. So, why do we betray each other, really? What do we need to do as the betrayer, and as the betrayed? Is it possible to bounce back from this? Or are we at a point of no return? This week’s conversation is a tender one. If you’ve ever experienced an affair or deep betrayal, regardless of what side you were on, we are holding your pain with you.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Correct (Almost) Everything I Say

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 17 May 2022 07:00:00 -0400

We all have had the experience of being corrected by someone else. Often, it doesn’t feel so great. It can make us wonder what’s inherently wrong with us or why they can’t just let us own our thoughts and feelings. It’s also very likely that we’ve been the one correcting another before and might not have even noticed that we’d done it. Why do we correct others? And what are we to do with their correction when someone puts it on us? Turns out, there’s quite an array of reasons why we might correct someone we care about. And, there’s a simple step-by-step we can take when we’re being corrected that will get us more of what we actually want. Though “simple” doesn’t necessarily mean easy, if it feels awkward, you’re on the right track! Jules, Vickey and Rebecca walk us through it in this week’s episode.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

SHUT DOWN MINI-SERIES: Why Does My Partner Shut Down When Big Feelings are Present?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 31 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Last week, in this miniseries on shutdowns, we talked about shutting down in the middle of an argument. This week, we’re talking about shutting down from a slightly different angle: When one of us in the relationship is having big, vulnerable feelings. It can feel scary or vulnerable to express a need or emotion we have, even outside of conflict. So, let’s dig deeper. In this episode, we discuss some differences in why you might shut down when you have big feelings versus why you might shut down when your partner has big feelings, and what these look and feel like internally versus externally. And when our partner shuts down and feels unavailable to us during our big feelings, our brains make up stories about why it's happening. Curiosity and slowing down are the keys to moving through these moments–because often our stories are just that–the crux of moving past our shutdowns is in examining the stories we make up in our heads when they happen. The stories we make up in our heads about why our partner is shutting down and what happens when our story is proven right.

That wraps up our shut down mini-series. We'll be back soon with season 3.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

SHUT DOWN MINI-SERIES: Why Does My Partner Shut Down During an Argument?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 24 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0400

If your partner tends to shut down in the middle of an argument, the reason why is simple. However, often the simplest things are also the most complicated. This week, let’s dig into the varied reasons underneath the simple surface layer and discuss what can be done about it. Shutting down can become embedded in the relational dance between us and our partners, a spiraling chain of events in which you both circle back on repeat patterns while traveling forward at the same time. But with some tracking and self-awareness, you can begin to change the steps of your dance and create something new.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

SHUT DOWN MINI-SERIES: Why Do I Shut Down When Things Get Heavy?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Wed, 16 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Shutdowns can look and feel different for each of us. Sometimes deep and immediate, sometimes a slow drip toward isolation. Numbness, wordlessness, sometimes seething, sometimes out-of-body. We all shut down sometimes, even if it isn’t our usual modus operandi. But why do they happen in the first place? And what can we do about them? It all starts with noticing. In Part One of our series on shutdowns, we talk about trauma responses in the body and our developing brain throughout the life cycle—it turns out our brains don’t stop developing after adolescence. We share our personal experiences with shutting down and—surprise!—they’re very different from each other. We talk about self-soothing versus coregulation. We ask: When one of us is shutting down, what would be a relationally healthy thing to do? The ultimate goal is always in undoing the aloneness.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

SHUT DOWN MINI-SERIES: Introduction

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Tue, 08 Mar 2022 18:00:00 -0400

Dear listeners, we have a little surprise for you while we’re in between seasons. We have created a 3-part series on “shut-downs” in relationships and will roll out segments of the series over the course of the next few weeks.

To start, this week, we have an introduction for you on shut-downs: We discuss why shutting down during hard conversations might be the worst thing you can do in a relationship over the long term. We discuss different types of shutting down (perhaps one or all of them will sound familiar?) And, because shutting down is so common in relationships and not even therapists are immune, we share how shutting down shows up for each of us in our relationships.

Join us now and stay tuned for more, as we take this conversation deeper discussing different facets and instances for when we or our partners shut down and what we can do about it.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Talk About What is Good Between Us

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 07:45:00 -0400

Don’t we all just want to hear a little good news, a little “thank you”, or get a high-five once in a while? Why do so many of us focus on what's not working, rather than what is? Rounding out season two, Rebecca, Vickey and Jules discuss one of their most favorite relational skills—cherishing. In this episode, you'll learn how to do it, when to do it (hint: often and in the moment!), and why it's so important for all of the relationships in your life. You'll also learn why it can be very hard for many of us to even notice what's good in our relationships, let alone celebrate what's good. But don't worry, this episode has got tips for how to change that too. This brings us to the end of the season, but we leave you with some cherishing challenges to try. Test one out and watch for shifts big and small.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Want Me to Tell Them What's Happening in My Therapy

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 20 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0400

Asking your partner about what happened in their therapy session is, regardless of their reason, basically an ask for more vulnerability. It’s normal for partners to be interested in what’s going on for the other. Often we just want to know that one of us isn’t outgrowing the other. The potential for boundary crossings is great here, but so is the potential for relational growth as a couple. This week, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey discuss the nuanced differences between curiosity and a need for control, how and why you should have a meta conversation around this, and the key to ensuring you grow together as a couple rather than growing apart.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why Isn't My Partner the Same as When I Met Them?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0400

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, you’ve probably already noticed that they’re not quite the same person they were when you first fell for them. They might even seem like a completely different person from the one you met so long ago. So where did they go? Because you know them so intimately, you can still kind of track remnants in their face or get a brief flicker of that former self in an expression, a gesture, a laugh. But, seriously, what’s going on here? Who is this person now and what happened to the one they were before this? And the one before that? Of course the answer is simple, but the science behind it is fascinating. Listen in to learn more about how and why we change, plus a super simple trick you can try to rewire your nervous system for better self esteem. By the end, you’ll understand why Jules says, “It’s good rain!”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Try to Understand When I'm Upset

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 06 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0400

This week’s episode is a companion to last week’s conversation, where we talked about why our partners might not share when they’re upset. This week, a listener asks: Why doesn’t my partner try to understand when I’m upset? What it ultimately boils down to is listening, really listening, is actually really hard! Vickey, Rebecca and Jules break this all down for you to explain what the goal of listening actually is, how to do it well, and how to know when you’ve stopped listening. And for the speaker, they’ve got some tips for how and why you should prepare your listener for the conversation and continue last week’s advice on how to use the Feedback Wheel to be heard and initiate repair. By practicing a little relational mindfulness, couples can shift from “me versus you” into “us consciousness”.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Tell Me When They're Upset

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 07:00:00 -0400

The thing about conflict is that very few of us were given a model of how to work through it in an effective or healthy way. Some of us grew up in a home where conflict just didn’t happen, and so we grow up at a loss for what to do or assume that any conflict means a relationship is doomed. Some of us grew up in homes where there was a lot of conflict and it wasn’t handled in healthy ways, leaving us with a set of bad relational habits or some defense mechanisms and fear that may not serve us anymore. Would you be surprised to hear that, in spite of all this, conflict actually serves a really important function in our relationships? From conflict comes repair, where we learn trust and deeper intimacy. In this episode, Jules, Rebecca and Vickey break down all the reasons why someone might avoid expressing their upset to you, how conflict and discord functions in relationships, and offer you a map to move through hard things together.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Love Seem Conditional

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Is adult love conditional? This is one of those deeper questions we all encounter at some point in our lives. It’s one that we all might have our own answer to, but we don’t have to agree on a shared answer in order to be in relationship with each other. This week, our asker wants to know, “Why does my partner’s love seem conditional?” Jules, Vickey and Rebecca respond to this question by addressing the conditionality of adult love and what that might mean, and also what it means when “seem” is the operative. This is a question that encompasses the physiology of how we experience love, the stories we tell ourselves about our partners, and the importance of healthy boundaries.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Accept Our Differences

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 02:00:00 -0400

Perhaps one of the loneliest existential questions we can ask is whether or not we can ever truly be known by someone. There’s grief in there, when we realize that this desire can never be fully met. Sometimes we avoid or deny this truth, which is what this week’s question touches on: “Why doesn’t my partner accept our differences?” Certainly, we can bond over our similarities. That’s easy. But the real adventure and the real risk is in our differences. Perhaps the irony lies in that by simply being curious about our differences, for a mere moment and through understanding, we can have a shared reality together. As with many things in life, the obstacle is the path. In this episode, we dig into it all--our neurological pathways that drive us away or toward, the “you-turns” we can take to really connect through difference, and how this ripples outward into every relationship we touch.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Think I’m Useless, No Good, Unhealthy When We Fight

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 09 Dec 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This week, a listener asks, “When we fight, why does my partner think I’m useless, no good, unhealthy?” When you and your partner fight, you might have your own list of adjectives that come to mind. Whatever they are, the answer to this question applies to all of them. The response is hefty but so worth it, because when we are able to upend this with a new skill, the results are so incredibly profound. Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explain a bit of the brain science behind our Core Negative Images of our partners and how our implicit memory system informs our responses in heated moments like these. They discuss what we can do as couples to disconfirm those implicit memories, so that we can not only repair the relationship, but also heal the wounds of our past inside the container of our current relationship.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Make Hurtful Comments

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 02 Dec 2021 07:00:00 -0400

We’ve all likely said something hurtful out of anger to someone we love at some point in our lives. There’s a slew of reasons why we do it, but “because it’s the truth” is only sometimes one of them. Being on the receiving end of a hurtful comment, the sting can make it hard to respond well. But if we can pause just enough before responding to check in on our psychological boundaries, then we can filter what’s true and about us from what’s not true and about them. We can set limits when appropriate. We can be curious about what this new information—whether true or untrue—tells us about our relationship and our partner. And because we love them, we can offer them an invitation to connect rather than deepening the divide.

This week, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey discuss the various reasons why someone we love might say something hurtful to us, how we use our healthy psychological and relational boundaries in instances like these, and what implementing boundaries in a meta conversation actually sounds like. (Hint: It’s not “You can’t talk to me like that!)

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Get We’re Not Actually Connecting

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0400

We believe everyone who's ever been in a relationship has experienced this question! Maybe it's a lack of observation about the dynamics between you. Maybe they do know, but you don't know that they know. Really though, it’s probably just that you have different connection styles and haven't yet decoded the different ways each of you experience what connection is. Jules takes us deep into brain science to help us understand how our history-colored glasses affect our experiences of what connection is. And once again, we're encouraging you to have meta-conversations. Observe what connection feels like to each of you. And share that map with one another so you can navigate your differences. This really is an exploration of how you both experience the world differently. This practice of observing your own mind is the key to being in healthy relationships, especially under varying degrees of stress when you have to have enough safety for your brain to stay integrated.

And we also talk about what we’re actually looking for when we talk about connection: relational joy. When you dare to rock the boat with your partner, maybe you’re actually seeking a conversation about how you're co-creating moments of relational joy! Take note of what’s working that you want more of and how you're both going to make more of those moments happen.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Cut Me Off

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0400

When it comes to the topic of interjecting or cutting someone off in a conversation, we all know which side we tend to fall on. Some of us are serial cutter-offers. Some of us are the ones getting cut off. For those in the latter group, it can be incredibly frustrating at times. We might feel like we aren’t being listened to or that we are being dismissed. But for those doing the cutting off… Well, there’s not always a clear simple reason for why they do it. In fact, there are a lot of reasons why someone might be cutting you off ranging from the neurological to the cultural, and some of these reasons can sound contradictory. So how do we really know what’s going on and what can we do about it? In this episode, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey talk about all the reasons why someone might cut another person off in conversation, even if—or especially when—they really care about what’s being said and offer some thoughts on how to shift behaviors for better conversations.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Refuse To Apologize

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This week’s question “Why does my partner refuse to apologize?” is a big one. Partly because we’ve all found ourselves in the position of not wanting or outright refusing to apologize to someone. We’ve all been that person, probably more than once. And we’ve all been the person on the receiving end of an apology—or the absence of an apology. We’ve felt that vulnerability in calling attention to our hurt, and hopefully, we’ve all experienced the repair and connection from an apology well-stated. So, why is such a basic, everyday thing so complicated and infrequent in practice? And why is an effective apology so hard to do in real life?

Jules, Vickey and Rebecca really break this down, touching on why apologies are so hard both personally and culturally, why they are so vital and world-changing, and also giving each of us a roadmap for how to apologize and receive an apology well. None of us will get it right every time, but it’s the intent and effort that matters most. As they say in this episode, “Apologies are master level”, so you might want to bookmark this one to return to again and again.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not See They Are Being Hypocritical

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 04 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Why is it so hard to see when we are being hypocritical about something? Some say that humans are contradictory by nature, so perhaps we are all hypocritical from time to time. It’s just hard to see outside of our personal vantage point. It takes a little imagination, curiosity and maybe even a little effort toward trying a different approach. And when we are calling out the hypocrisy in one another, we need to understand what the desire underneath it is. Ultimately, if both sides can drop the defensiveness, the conversation transforms. Listen in as Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how both partners can shift the dynamic.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Need To Fix Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Sometimes in a relationship, one of us thinks we need to fix the other. There are a few moving parts here. In terms of social conditioning, often women learn that this is how they get what they need in a relationship. But it’s not always or only that. There’s also a piece around how we deal with trauma and a piece around the partner’s response to being fixed. What often lies underneath is a feeling of “What does he/she think is wrong with me?” If this rings true in your relationship, Vickey, Jules and Rebecca are ready with a u-turn and a meta-conversation for you to try.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Comfort Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This week, find out what we mean when we say sometimes you just “can’t magic the milk”. Comfort means different things to different people. In this episode, we discuss the many nuanced reasons why we might not get what we need when we are stressed and in need of comfort and what we’ve come to expect from others in those moments. There’s a bit of attachment theory in here, but forget what you think you know about attachment theory. We’re breaking it down into easily digestible terms and reflect on the ways in which our expectations shift depending on the situation or the relationship involved. Jules even throws in an exercise you can try (even if you’re currently not in a relationship) to practice unlearning your unique pockets of insecure attachment acquired over the years. Practicing curiosity and giving grace is key here.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Accept What They Did Was Wrong

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca talk about what’s really going on when we or our partners can’t admit wrongdoing. It turns out that we all have unique, complex personal histories with what happens when someone admits they made a mistake and why we might refuse or withhold that admission. This succinct yet powerful conversation offers a U-turn for both parties in a relationship that can shift the trajectory of the disagreement toward connection and safety, while ultimately asking the question, “Is forgiveness possible if we don’t agree that you were wrong?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Expect Sex In The Morning

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 07 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0400

What is sex about? What is it for? Many things, of course—pleasure and connection just being two of them. So what happens when there is an expectation or a mismatch in preferences? Can we talk about it with openness and curiosity? Or do we get pouty, irritable or retaliatory? It is inevitable that there will be times when our partners want sex when we are not in the mood or vice versa. When that happens, it is important to make the distinction that this rejection is not a rejection of the person. It’s just not what feels right in this particular moment. But in order to do that, there is a lot of checking in with self and sometimes fun, sometimes awkward conversations with your partner that need to happen. Regardless of what it is you want--more, less, or different--this is the way to get it. That’s what Jules, Vickey and Rebecca are talking about this week on the podcast.

If you’re interested in diving deeper, listen to Rebecca’s interview with Emily Nagoski over on the Connectfulness Practice podcast at: https://connectfulness-practice.captivate.fm/episode/how-stress-affects-sex-with-emily-nagoski

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Understand The Trauma

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 30 Sep 2021 07:00:00 -0400

How is it that two people can live through the same thing and one person experiences it as traumatic and the other person experiences it in a completely different way? The answer is often a combination of personal history, the language we use to process it, and DNA. But perhaps the stickier question regarding trauma and relationships is, Why don’t you understand that this was traumatic for me? It’s such a vulnerable ask and there is a root skill that is absolutely key here: It requires us to cultivate our “second consciousness”, which is where our relational skills live and the agenda is always connection. This episode is a rich one. Listen in as Jules, Rebecca and Vickey offer some important tips and skills for both the sharer and the listener.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Accuse Me Of Cheating

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 23 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0400

This week, Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca consider the many reasons why our partners might worry that we are cheating on them. The question really is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how our thinking brains handle unknowns--fears, worries, insecurities. Our partner’s implicit memories can be triggered by an action without them even being aware of it. Or we may not know how to handle their insecurity, so the things we do out of a desire to protect them may come off as sketchy instead. Whatever the reason, the silver lining is always the opportunity for a conversation, not out of defensiveness, but out of curiosity.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Marry Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 16 Sep 2021 16:00:00 -0400

Sooner or later, everyone reaches a point in their relationship when they ask, “Why did my partner even marry me at all? Why are they with me?” It’s a question that typically comes up when things have been hard for a while, which--surprise!--is completely normal. Modern committed relationships are a spiritual journey. There is a reason why we choose partners that stir up our stuff. This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca share what comes up for them with this question, the wisdom they’ve accrued from making it through the other side of this tough phase in their own marriages, and the opportunity the question presents to each of us if we choose to take it.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Want To Go To Therapy

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 15 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Let’s talk about different options when it comes to therapy, get honest about what therapy feels like and help support you in going after what you want if therapy is right for you. We also get curious about the differences between requests and demands and look at practices that would support both options.

That wraps up season 1 of the Why Does My Partner podcast. We’ll be working behind the scenes on season 2, and enjoying time off with our loves. Expect season 2 in mid-September 2021. In the meantime, do continue sending us your questions for future episodes and explore the two Bootcamp offerings we’ve added to the schedule, one in November of 2021 and one in February of 2022. Find more information and register to join us at whydoesmypartner.com, and while you are there, join our mailing list to be in the know when season 2 drops and all things Why Does My Partner.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Blame Me For Everything

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 08 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Does your partner blame you for a ton of stuff? Whether you are the blamer or the blame this episode is sure to help. In this one we help you think through assessing what’s blaming and what’s not. We hope to inspire you to trade in loving firmness for harshness. Let’s look at how blame hurts the person holding it as well as the person receiving it. We’ll talk about not taking things personally, boundaries and clarity with love. By the end of this one you’re gonna want to carry Qtips in your pocket.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Say They Don’t Remember

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 01 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0400

What happens when a situation is feeling unfair? What if there are skills and deficits in each of you that are different...what if those differences drive you crazy? We’ll face grief, talk about direct requests and face how hard it can be to live with each other and negotiate shared space. What can we do to embody love towards ourselves and each other even while we face these challenges? We have answers, thoughts and ways to stoke the ambers of your own curiosity in this one.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Get So Emotional

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 07:00:00 -0400

In this episode we take on the question "why does my partner get so emotional? Emotions are annoying and they don't serve a purpose anyway." And our answer begins with the science behind why emotions do matter and why they will run your life. Humans are meaning-making creatures and emotions play a vital role in that process. We are feeling beings, the question is: are we conscious of it or not? We nerd out on the fascinating brain science, including how logic and emotion work together to calm the brain. The skills lie in how to best get the logic and emotion to work together.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why Don’t I Compliment My Partner More?

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 17 Jun 2021 07:00:00 -0400

We love this question from someone wondering about what’s going on inside them when they don't compliment their partner. And we take it as an invitation to explore Us Consciousness: Are you ‘Me focus’ or ‘Us focus’? Do you know if your agenda is connection or protection? It's a knowing that — how you’re doing, how I’m doing, how we are together — are all of equal importance. We also take a look at how compliments are received, what happens if your compliments fall into a black hole, and if withholding the compliment is a retaliation move. We discuss skills to help you shift into Us Consciousness, and why you'd want to.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Suck

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Can we talk about normal marital hatred? Yes, that’s true it is normal. We explore the three phases of a long term relationship, look at how to hold each other in warm regard even as we suck and get curious about why our partner gets up our bum so badly. Can you hold yourself and your partner in love even when you do sucky human things? We explore what makes it so hard and give tips on how to get better.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Smack My @$$

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Let’s talk about touch, intimate touch, fun touch, how we communicate to our partners what touch we enjoy. This is a light and fun episode and yes, we do talk about sex. We’ll get into how to learn about your own and each other's touch preferences, communicating about touch and enthusiastic consent.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Past Bother Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 27 May 2021 07:00:00 -0400

In this one, we look at layers of how this might be an issue. We share a few different things that might be coming up for you and we talk about ways to soothe yourself and trust yourself. We all struggle with the stories we create about each other, lets dive in and think about how to radically love ourselves and trust ourselves as we journey into the vulnerability of partnership.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Get So Upset

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 20 May 2021 07:00:00 -0400

How do we handle differences with our partners? Are we excited by them? Are we drawn to them? Are we repelled by them? We explore the stress we are under, dealing with loneliness and looking at one of the difficult catch 22’s of partnership. We share tools about how to not take things personally and learn to expand our understanding and compassion of each other and our differences.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Think About Everything That Needs To Get Done The Way I Do

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 13 May 2021 07:00:00 -0400

We talk about over functioning and under functioning in this episode. This is a common dynamic in many partnerships. We tackle invisible work, emotional labor and gender roles. Yes we will weigh in on patriarchy and talk about relational health and power dynamics. Do you know how to function in your relationship in a stance of sharing equal power with your partner? This episode we share ideas about how healthy “power with” thinking is and share ideas about how to create a healthy dynamic with empowering each other in your relationship.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Pick A Fight When They Want To Connect

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 06 May 2021 06:00:00 -0400

We don’t shy away from the complexity that is human beings in this episode. Buckle in for an extended episode, we’ll dive deep into the science and into what relational skills will work. How can we take in things when they are good? What does compassion have to do with calming my feelings? Can rage really be a bid for connection? We talk about many levels of the subconscious mind and how many ways we can answer this question. We will share practices that will help you develop 2nd consciousness, how to track yourself as a practice and create a space for responsiveness instead of reactivity. How to examine what might be going on in the depths of you and your partner. We can’t wait to dive deep with you on this one.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Laugh With Their Friends More Than Me

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 29 Apr 2021 07:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we’ll explore humor, the stories we tell ourselves and how fast those stories lead to reactivity. Do our stories about what’s happening in our love lives help us or cost us or both? Let’s explore how to find our stories, come into relationship with them and be more vulnerable and close with each other. Plus, we’ll cover compassion and why it helps calm us down.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Tell Me What To Do

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 07:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we talk about Boundaries and so much more. Do we absorb too much? Or is nothing getting through? If our Boundaries are in place, we’re able to be curious and see the deeper needs under our partner’s behavior. You’ll hear us learn more about each other and model curiosity, rather than defensiveness. And we review one of our favorite skills, moving from Demand to Direct Request…because the simplest answer to this question is that it’s vulnerable to make a direct request.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Follow Through

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Why do we say yes when we don’t mean it? Do we know our own answers? Can we be vulnerable and can we allow our partner to be vulnerable? This episode is chock-full of skills: not saying yes when we mean no, making direct requests, not demanding, speaking truth, using psychological boundaries and creating your own boundary images, differentiating between agenda, strategy and needs, allowing for a No. Don’t be fooled, this is not a fully serious episode, in spite of all of those skills. Join us for tons of giggles too.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Get So Defensive

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Defensiveness in relationships is normal and something all of us experience at one time or another. In this episode, we discuss the things that could be behind that defensiveness. Are you communicating with your partner in a way that is coming off judgmental or attacking? Is your partner feeling hurt or scared? We explore the common root of defensiveness, hurt and fear, and learn healthy ways to navigate our relationships through these moments of discord into greater intimacy.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Keep Forgetting My Love Language

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 01 Apr 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Can we go deeper with love languages? Your hosts have 3 different views on how helpful love languages are and we discuss it with no holds barred and collaboration. Today we focus on skills that come out of this space: directness, making agreements and meta conversations. These are advanced skills for any couple.

For those who don’t know what “The 5 Love Languages” are, it is a concept and book by Dr Gary Chapman. His premise is that everyone has a primary “language” and that if you speak one language and your partner speaks another, you cannot understand each other. He defines the languages as this: quality time, words of affirmation, acts of services, physical touch, and quality time.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Act Like A Child Sometimes

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Neuroscience will bring compassion to us all! Let’s learn what the brain does and what to do in response to the brain doin’ what it does. We’ll be talking about learning to watch our minds and bodies in real time. And we’ll be hitting these topics: Relational Health + Compassion + Equal Worth + Right Responsibility- boom!

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Not Read My Mind

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 18 Mar 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This is one of the most common questions we get in our offices. If my partner really knew me wouldn’t they get me? This episode we consider being known, grief, checking our expectations and finding vulnerability. We’ll be trouble-shooting ways to get met and go deeper with your partner.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Lie About Little Things

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 07:02:00 -0400

In this episode, we’re tackling the question “Why does my partner lie to me?” We look at both sides of the issue: "why might I be lying" and "what might I be creating that leads my partner to lie?" It is always a good idea to look at your own behaviors as well as your partner’s. We also talk about the importance of accountability. And we introduce different stages of a relationship, how to work through the times of disharmony, and why disharmony is actually beneficial and mandatory for a healthy relationship.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Load The Dishwasher Wrong

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 07:00:00 -0400

This episode uses the question “Why Does My Partner Load the Dishwasher Wrong” to look at how couples handle the differences between them and ways to get curious rather than defensive. We discuss what goes on for us when we respond in unhealthy ways and how to flip our responses into relational health.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

WDMP Your Questions = Relational Gold

Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Whoo-hoo! This is our inaugural episode of the Why Does My Partner podcast and we are super excited to share it with you. We're your hosts, Jules, Rebecca, and Vickey. We are all couple therapists and we met just before (literally) the pandemic shut down while training in Mexico with our mentor, Terry Real. In this trailer episode we're sharing the story of how we met, how we've come to work together, how this podcast came to be, and what you can expect in future episodes.

We're calling this podcast Why Does My Partner (or Why Doesn't My Partner, it's interchangeable) because these are the questions we hear over and over again in our offices. We believe these questions lead to the GOLD of relational healing and the answers under these questions will bring us deep into the skills at the heart of deeper relational intimacy, greater health, and fulfillment.

Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at WhyDoesMyPartner.com

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.