Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

262: How Limits Show Up in Your Child’s Body

Sun, 12 Apr 2026 20:00:00 -0400

If your morning routine for preschool looks less like a smooth routine and more like 21 rounds of "no", "stop", and "not like that" before 8 am, then things aren’t working well for either of you.

In this episode, we walk through one ordinary preschool morning minute by minute, from the cereal bowl to the car seat buckle.

We also learn how to move from: "how do I get my child to cooperate" to: what is going on inside my child's body right now, and what are they trying to communicate through the flopping, dawdling, silliness, and defiance?

Because when you understand that, you can find strategies that meet both of your needs.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Why is my child so difficult in the morning? Preschoolers live almost entirely in the present moment and learn through movement and touch. When a morning is filled with a steady stream of corrections, their nervous system experiences it as "everything I do is wrong" - and the silliness, defiance, or shutdown you see is their body's response to that overload.

Why is my child grumpy in the morning? It's often less about the time of day and more about the cumulative weight of limits. When children experience correction after correction with little room for exploration or connection, grumpiness and shutdown are common signals that their needs aren't being met.

Why do kids dilly-dally and dawdle in the morning? What looks like dawdling is often a child following genuine curiosity, moving their body the way it wants to go, or trying to connect with you before the day pulls you apart.

What is meant by "behavior is communication"? Preschoolers don't yet have the words to say "this is too much for me" or "I need to feel close to you right now". So they show you with their bodies. Finger-stirring cereal, flopping on the floor, asking to be carried - each of these is a message, if you know how to listen for it. When you understand that message you can help them meet their need - which also meets your needs for peace, ease, and order.

Is misbehavior an unmet need? Often, yes. When you look beneath challenging behaviors in young children, you frequently find unmet needs for things like autonomy, movement, connection, or play. The behavior is a signal pointing you toward what your child actually needs. If you want to find out your child’s biggest need (and easy, actionable strategies to meet it that make your life easier), take this free quiz.

What are some reasons children misbehave? In early childhood, most challenging behavior traces back to a mismatch between a child's developmental capacity and what's being asked of them, combined with needs they’re trying to meet in ways you’re finding irritating.

Preschoolers aren't misbehaving to make your life harder. They don’t know how else to meet their needs.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

How to walk through a typical preschool morning routine and see it through your child's eyes, moment by moment
What your child's most frustrating behaviors (flopping, dawdling, silliness, defiance) are often communicating about their needs
Why the total number of corrections across a morning matters as much as any single limit you set
What your needs are in the morning routine, and why they are just as valid as your child's needs
How it’s possible to meet your needs AND your child’s needs
How to start moving toward fewer, clearer limits that your preschooler's nervous system can actually work with
What the research on parent-child interaction patterns tells us about where repeated correction leads over time
How parents who grew up in homes with heavy compliance expectations describe the long-term effects on themselves and their own parenting

To help you put the ideas from this episode into practice, I've created a free worksheet: Your Difficult Morning Audit. You'll count your corrections, sort them, and start to see which limits are truly necessary - and which ones are habit.

Get The Morning Audit Worksheet For Free

If you thought "that's my kid" or "that's our mornings" - the Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop is for you.

Learn how to see how many limits you're actually setting, sort them into what's truly necessary and what can soften or disappear, and practice holding fewer, clearer limits in a way your child's nervous system can actually handle.

You get short focused modules, three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations, and a community of parents working through the same things.

The self-guided workshop is available year-round, but every April we run it live to give you even more support.

Enrollment is open until April 26. Until April 16 at midnight Pacific, you can Pay What You Want:- any amount (even $1) gets you full access. You choose what you pay. After that, the price moves up to a fixed rate.

If you're ready to move from correction-heavy mornings to fewer, truer limits your preschooler can actually live with, come join us in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Jump to highlights:

01:27 Introduction to today’s episode

05:48 The behavior isn't defiance - it's communication about their needs.

08:21 Young children live in the present moment and learn through movement and repetition rather than explanations.

10:45 You're not the villain for wanting things to go smoothly. Getting out the door, you need to meet your responsibility to co-workers while staying connected to your kid.

13:58 Your child needs connection, autonomy, movement, exploration, play, and fun. You need ease, harmony, collaboration, and responsibility to others.

16:45 The Gottman research on couples suggests we need about five positive interactions for every negative one to stay connected.

18:43 As a young child, Crystal learned to read the room constantly. As a teenager, she rebelled hard and ended up heavily involved in drugs and alcohol.

30:38 Wrapping up the discussion.

31:40 An open invitation to Setting Loving (&Effective) Limits workshop.

261: Why Your Kids Fight (It’s Not What You Think)

Sun, 29 Mar 2026 20:00:00 -0400

If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work. In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble. We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs. Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them. Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is sibling fighting normal? Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you. What causes siblings to fight so much? The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include:

Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)
To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their sibling
To play! A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”

What are the most common triggers for sibling fights? Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting. Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves? Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less. Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road. How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other? Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do. You can do this by:

Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoys
Understanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challenges
Teaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.

How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight? When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them. How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight? You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight. How do you get siblings to stop tattling? Tattling usually happens when a child wants a parent to take their side. When kids learn to identify what they need in a conflict and how to ask for it directly, the motivation to tattle drops - because they have a more effective way to get their needs met.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why sibling fighting is often a bid for connection - and why that reframe matters for how you respond
Why one child hitting another can actually be an attempt to play, not a sign of aggression
What it means to make a "bid for connection", and how to help both the child making the bid and the one receiving it
Why stepping back and letting kids handle conflict themselves can backfire - and what needs to be in place before that becomes a realistic option
How to use feelings and needs language as a conflict resolution tool - and why starting with low-stakes moments between you and your child (not between the kids) is the most effective first step
Why special one-on-one time with each child plays a bigger role in sibling conflict than most parents realize
How to work with kids who shut down and won't talk - including non-verbal ways to stay connected in a hard moment
A practical way to help even young children start solving conflicts together - including a real example of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old doing exactly that within weeks of their parents starting this approach

Jump to highlights: 01:48 Introduction to today’s episode 03:42 Parent Stacey shares the situation wherein her 12-year-old and 7-year-old are constantly fighting, poking, and teasing. Both kids have admitted to lying about what happened because they want to get each other in trouble. 06:03 Conflicts often start over objects, but attention, specifically connection, is the real driver behind much of the fighting. 06:39 Jen explains how we can shift from the negative connotation of "attention-seeking" to understanding it as kids looking for connection with each other and with parents. 10:58 Jen helps Stacey think about when one-on-one time could happen, like during drives to sports practice, and how to balance everyone's needs, including the parents' needs for rest and couple time. 12:45 What's missing is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in their interactions. 17:43 Kids try to meet the same needs over and over. Connection and autonomy are almost always in the top three. 20:13 Wrapping up. 20:33 An open invitation to join the next Beyond the Behavior call. 20:40 An open invitation to the flash sale on one-on-one coaching until April 5.

260: How the World’s Toxic Systems Live Inside Our Parenting

Sun, 08 Mar 2026 20:00:00 -0400

If you've been watching the news and feeling despair because you can’t do anything about it, this episode is for you. The Epstein files, revealing how powerful men think about, talk about, and treat women. ICE raids tearing families apart. Strikes on Iranian cities - and schools full of children! In this episode, I make a direct connection between these social issues and what happens inside our homes every day. The patterns playing out on a global scale - where the person with more power decides whose feelings count - show up in our families too, often in moments we don't even notice, and that seem like they’re about discipline. The decisions we make in those moments are quietly teaching our kids lessons we may not intend to pass on.

Questions this episode will answer

What do ICE raids have to do with parenting? When children watch some families live in fear of being separated while others are basically safe by default, they learn that some people's safety matters more than others. That same lesson can show up at home when we use our power as parents to override our kids' feelings and needs. Why is it important to teach kids about consent? Research shows that girls start shifting from seeing their body as something that helps them do things to seeing it as something to be judged - often earlier than we realize. Teaching consent starts long before those conversations about sex. It starts when we stop forcing our children to accept hugs and give kisses they don’t want from well-meaning relatives. How do you explain consent to children? Consent is about whose body, feelings, and needs matter most. When we override our child's no - even in small everyday moments - we teach them that the person with more power wins. This episode explores what it looks like to do things differently. How do the Iran strikes connect to how we raise our kids? When leaders frame bombing cities where children live as "protecting freedom", they're using the same logic many of us heard growing up: that hurting someone with less power is justified when the person with more power decides it's for a good reason. This episode traces that logic from foreign policy all the way back to the family dinner table. What does it mean that we're all part of the system - not just the people doing obvious harm? It's easy to point to the person at the center causing the most visible damage. But around that person are rings of people who actively enable them, then people who know and look away, and then the rest of us - making decisions every day in our families and communities that make it more or less likely that people with power can keep using it. This episode explains what that outermost ring looks like in ordinary family life, and what it means to resist it from there.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why the same power dynamics driving ICE raids, the Epstein files, and the Iran strikes also show up in everyday parenting moments
How the language our leaders use about migrants, women, and foreign countries shapes what our kids quietly absorb about whose lives matter
What research tells us about how girls experience the shift from body ownership to body judgment - and what parents can do to slow that shift down
Why the parents who explode when their kids say no are often people who were never allowed to say no themselves
How using power to manage our kids' behavior in stressful moments teaches the same lesson as the biggest injustices in the news - just on a smaller scale
What it looks like to build a home where your child's feelings and needs count - even when you're overwhelmed

Taming Your Triggers

If you recognized yourself anywhere in this episode - if you know that when the poop hits the fan you fall back on power because you don't know what else to do - that's exactly what we work on in my Taming Your Triggers workshop. In the workshop, we go deep on why you get triggered, what you actually need in those moments, and how to build a different response from the inside out - so you're not just white-knuckling it through the hard moments anymore. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights: 00:44 Jen explains she's pulling back the curtain on how bigger social systems like racism, sexism, and power dynamics connect directly to our parenting decisions and our children's development. 02:51 Listeners said social systems have nothing to do with parenting, but the stress of staying silent was literally showing up in her body. 04:00 How bad actors at the center are enabled by people who actively support them, people who know but ignore it, and the rest of us who make daily decisions that either challenge or reinforce these power structures. 06:43 When we use power over our kids in everyday moments like getting them to eat vegetables or put on shoes, we're teaching them who has power and who doesn't, normalizing the idea that more powerful people can and should control weaker people. 07:03 How powerful men treat girls' and women's bodies as disposable, and the whole system backs them up. This isn't unique - it's a pattern where online harassment and threats silence women who put ideas and opinions into the world. 11:31 When we try to be thinner for the male gaze, watch movies where the point is getting married to a guy, or don't discuss with our kids how all the girls in books end up partnered, we're part of creating an environment where girls see their bodies as objects to be judged rather than tools to do things. 18:23 Our children are learning that some families are always on the edge of being torn apart, while others are safe by default, and this same pattern shows up at home when we use power because we're overwhelmed. 22:47 The message our children hear is that it can be acceptable to kill some people's children to keep our children safe; their children's bodies are less valuable than our children's bodies. 29:18 If we live without violence, we're outsourcing our conflict to unseen powers and detonating it elsewhere. The invisible privilege of our peaceful existence is actually an act of violence carried out by people in the global south, people in ghettos, and economically marginalized people in prisons. 30:42 If our homes look calm because our kids have learned to shut down and stop bringing us hard truths, that's not real peace; the conflict has just gone underground into our children's bodies, where they've learned to stuff down their needs for connection, autonomy, and boisterous play. 33:40 Whether we talk to our kids about these issues matters less than how we are with them. They remember what we do more than what we say. If we use power over them in daily moments, we're creating the conditions where all that other stuff can happen in the world. 36:38 Parents in the Taming Your Triggers workshop share how understanding needs, widening their window of tolerance, and creating a pause between behavior and response helps them stay regulated instead of outsourcing their overwhelm to their children. 41:50 An open invitation to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop References: Carmo, A. (2025, November 20). AI and anonymity fuel surge in digital violence against women. UN News. https://news.un.org/en/story/2025/11/1166411 National Organization for Women. (2025, March 5). One in four American women face online harassment: 69% of women believe current laws to protect them are insufficient. https://now.org/media-center/press-release/one-in-four-american-women-face-online-harassment-69-of-women-believe-current-laws-to-protect-them-are-insufficient/ Rice, E., Gibbs, J., Winetrobe, H., & Rhoades, H. (2014). Tweens and teens who receive sexts are 6 times more likely to report having had sex [Press release]. USC Today. https://today.usc.edu/tweens-and-teens-who-receive-sexts-are-6-times-more-likely-to-report-having-had-sex/ Spencer, T. (2024, July 1). Newly released Epstein transcripts: Florida prosecutors knew billionaire raped teen girls years before cutting deal. PBS NewsHour. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/newly-released-epstein-transcript-florida-prosecutors-knew-billionaire-raped-teen-girls-years-before-cutting-deal Wihbey, J., & Kille, L. W. (2015, July 13). Internet harassment and online threats targeting women: Research review. The Journalist's Resource. https://journalistsresource.org/criminal-justice/internet-harassment-online-threats-targeting-women-research-review/ Ruvalcaba, Y., Mercer Kollar, L. M., Jones, S. E., Mercado, M. C., Leemis, R. W., & Ma, Z.-Q. (2022). Adolescent sexting, violence, and sexual behaviors: An analysis of 2014 and 2016 Pennsylvania Youth Risk Behavior Survey data. Journal of School Health, 93(8), 690-697. https://doi.org/10.1111/josh.13290 National Organization for Women & Incogni. (2025). One in four women experience online harassment, with ethnic diverse backgrounds and younger generations facing the highest rates. https://now.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/NOWxIncogni_Online-abuse-survey.pdf

Episode Summary 09: Is Your Child’s Diagnosis Reliable? The DSM Explained

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 20:00:00 -0400

When a doctor hands your child a diagnosis, it can be a relief - finally, an explanation for their behavior! But sociologist Dr. Allan Horwitz has spent decades studying how psychiatric diagnoses are made, and what he's found raises serious questions about how much weight that label should carry. In this episode, Dr. Horwitz walks through how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - the manual that defines every mental health diagnosis - was built less on scientific research than on professional politics, institutional pressure, and the practical needs of insurance companies. He traces how depression went from a diagnosis given to a small fraction of the population to one of the most common diagnoses in the world, and explains exactly what happened to reliability when the DSM-5 was tested in real clinical conditions. He also looks at how the same behaviors get labeled very differently depending on a child's age, race, class, and cultural background - and why that matters for every parent trying to figure out whether a diagnosis is actually helping their child. This episode won't tell you to reject diagnosis outright. But it will give you the critical knowledge to ask better questions when a label is offered for your child.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is the DSM and why does it matter for my child? The DSM is the manual psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose every mental health condition. It determines what insurance will cover, what services your child can access, and what label follows them through school and into treatment. Who created the DSM and who controls it? The American Psychiatric Association publishes the DSM, but its diagnostic criteria were largely shaped by a small group of people - predominantly white men with ties to pharmaceutical companies - whose process looked more like sausage-making than science. Why is DSM-5 criticized by researchers? Field trials for DSM-5 showed reliability had actually declined from earlier editions. For some of the most common diagnoses, including major depression and generalized anxiety, agreement between clinicians was barely better than chance. Is a psychiatric diagnosis actually reliable? Reliability means two different clinicians would give the same patient the same diagnosis. Research on the DSM-5 shows this is far less consistent than most parents assume - and a reliable diagnosis still isn't necessarily a correct one. Are children being overdiagnosed with mental health conditions? Research shows that the youngest children in a classroom are significantly more likely to receive a psychiatric diagnosis than their older classmates, especially for ADHD - suggesting that what's being measured is developmental maturity, not a mental disorder. Does the DSM apply equally to children from different cultural backgrounds? The DSM was built on a Euro-centric framework, and critics argue it pathologizes behaviors that are normal or valued in many Global Majority cultures. This has real consequences for how children from different backgrounds get diagnosed and treated. Why do mental health diagnoses focus on the individual instead of their circumstances? The DSM is deliberately designed to identify disorders within a person rather than look at the conditions around them. It makes sense that a person going through a relationship breakup might feel sad, angry, and/or uncertain about the future. That doesn’t mean they’re ‘depressed.’ Dr. Horwitz explains what that choice costs - and who pays the most.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why diagnosis serves the psychiatric profession and the insurance system in ways that don’t always help the person being diagnosed
How the shift from psychoanalysis to the DSM-3 in 1980 dramatically expanded who could be diagnosed with depression - and why that shift was driven by professional rivalry, not new science
What reliability and validity actually mean in psychiatric diagnosis, and why the numbers from DSM-5 field trials alarmed even people inside the system
How the people who built the DSM criteria handled disagreements - and why the process Dr. Horwitz describes is so different from what most parents imagine
Why a child's birthdate relative to their classmates can predict their likelihood of receiving a psychiatric diagnosis
How socioeconomic status shapes not just whether a child gets diagnosed, but when they take their medication and why
What the removal of the bereavement exclusion in DSM-5 tells us about the direction the system is heading
Why the same behaviors that get a child diagnosed with ADHD in the US might get that child's family into therapy in the UK instead
What Dr. Horwitz thinks would actually make a difference for children's mental health - and why the most effective interventions are rarely the ones being offered

Your Triggers Aren't a Diagnosis. But They're Worth Understanding.

This episode makes the case that the mental health system focuses on only what's happening inside a person instead of looking at the broader circumstances around them - mostly to sell us more drugs. In reality, our struggles are a combination of the challenges we’ve experienced in the past (and how we’ve learned to handle them), and our situation today. We have to see both pieces to make sense of where we’ve been, and learn new tools for what’s happening now. When your child's behavior sends you into a reaction you regret later, a diagnosis or prescription may not help as much as understanding what's underneath that reaction and where it came from. That's exactly what the Taming Your Triggers workshop is built to help you do. In 10 weeks, you'll learn why you react the way you do, how to meet your own needs so you have more capacity for your kids, and how to respond from your values instead of your history. Click the banner to learn more Jump to highlights: 02:14 Introduction to today’s episode 03:44 Why do we diagnose mental illness, and whose interests does the diagnostic system serve? Dr. Allan Horwitz explains that diagnoses maintain psychiatry's legitimacy and prestige as a medical profession, regardless of the knowledge behind each diagnosis. 05:10 Patients now often expect specific diagnoses before treatment even begins. 14:27 People experiencing sadness from job loss or relationship endings can benefit from medication, but to get prescriptions, you need a diagnosis of a disorder, even when the response is completely expectable given the circumstances. 15:39 The DSM locates suffering within individuals rather than examining broader social circumstances. 19:00 Wrapping up. 21:25 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership.

259: Understanding Why Your Child Hits (And What Actually Helps)

Sun, 15 Feb 2026 20:00:00 -0400

When your three-year-old hits you, their sibling, or another child, it's easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder if this challenging behavior means something is wrong with your child or your parenting. In this episode, I help you see hitting in a completely different way. Instead of viewing it as a problem to eliminate, we'll explore what your child is trying to communicate through their actions. You'll discover how hitting is often your child's attempt to meet important needs when they don't yet have the words or skills to do it differently. This shift in perspective changes everything about how you respond. Most advice about hitting focuses on consequences, time-outs, or behavior charts. But these approaches miss what's really happening. In this episode, I walk you through real examples from parents dealing with hitting, and show you how to identify the feelings and needs driving the behavior. If you're not sure where to start with identifying your child's needs, this quick quiz can help you figure out which needs might be going unmet. You'll learn practical strategies for helping your child develop replacement behaviors for hitting that actually meet their needs. Whether your child hits when they're frustrated, overwhelmed, or seeking connection, you'll leave with tools to support them while also taking care of yourself and keeping everyone safe.

Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal for 3 year olds to hit? Yes, hitting is common in early childhood. Three-year-olds are still developing language skills and emotional regulation, so they often use physical actions to communicate feelings or meet needs they can't express in words yet. What is a replacement behavior for hitting? Replacement behaviors depend on what need your child is trying to meet. If they're seeking sensory input, alternatives might include squeezing play dough or pushing against a wall. If they're expressing frustration, they might learn to stomp their feet or use simple words like "I'm mad!" How do I get my 3 year old to stop hitting? Focus on understanding the feelings and needs behind the hitting rather than just stopping the behavior. Help your child identify what they're feeling, figure out what need they're trying to meet, and practice new ways to meet that need that work for everyone. Is it normal for a 3 year old to be very aggressive? Frequent hitting or other challenging behavior in early childhood often signals that your child has important unmet needs. This doesn't mean something is wrong with them. It means they need support learning new strategies to meet their needs. How do you teach children to communicate their needs? Start by helping your child recognize and name their feelings using simple language. Then connect those feelings to underlying needs like autonomy, play, or connection. Practice specific phrases and actions they can use instead of hitting. What is the connection between feelings and needs? Feelings are signals that tell us whether our needs are met or unmet. When your child feels frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, these feelings point to needs that aren't being met, like autonomy, understanding, or ease.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why hitting and other challenging behavior in early childhood is actually communication about unmet needs
How to identify the specific feelings and needs driving your child's hitting behavior
The difference between expressing needs through hitting versus meeting needs through hitting
Practical replacement behaviors for hitting based on different underlying needs
Why punishment and consequences don't address the root cause of hitting
How to use the "name it to tame it" approach to help your child recognize their feelings
Steps to support your child in developing new skills while keeping everyone safe
Real examples of parents working through hitting situations using a feelings and needs approach
How to take care of your own needs when your child's challenging behavior triggers you

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights: 02:02 Introduction to today’s episode 04:01 An open invitation to Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass. 05:10 Parent shares context where her child hits when excited and demands chocolate at every preschool pickup. 06:56 Jen starts by checking in on the parent's wellbeing and support system, explaining how parental stress shows up in children's behavior. 09:47 Jen helps the parent see the behavior as an expression of a difficult situation rather than defiance or stubbornness. 11:28 Jen identifies three needs behind the joy/indulgence, autonomy, and connection after being apart all day. 20:02 Connection and autonomy are the top two needs of young kids. 22:40 Identifying patterns (hitting happens when super excited) and offering redirection strategies like jumping together.

RE-RELEASE: Parental Burnout: Is Your Exhaustion Affecting Your Children?

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 20:00:00 -0400

Are you exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix? Do you find yourself more irritable with your children than you ever imagined possible? You might be experiencing parental burnout and you're far from alone. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Moïra Mikolajczak, one of the world's leading researchers on parental burnout, along with listener Kelly, who shares her raw, honest experience of burning out while raising her young daughter. Dr. Mikolajczak reveals groundbreaking research showing that parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents - even higher than people suffering from chronic pain or experiencing marital abuse. We explore why Western parents are at such high risk compared to parents in other cultures, what happens when the pressure to be a "perfect parent" collides with isolation and lack of support, and most importantly, what actually works for recovery. Kelly opens up about the moment she had a complete breakdown far from home, unable to even find her way to a train station, and the seven-month journey that followed. If you've ever felt like you're racing through life unable to stop, or wondered whether your exhaustion is affecting your children, this episode offers both validation and a path forward.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is parental burnout? Parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel completely depleted by their parenting role. It includes four main symptoms: extreme exhaustion that doesn't improve with sleep, emotional distancing from your children, loss of pleasure in parenting, and a painful contrast between the parent you are now and the parent you wanted to be. What are the symptoms of parental burnout? The clearest warning signs are fatigue that persists despite adequate sleep and increased irritability, especially when you're with your children but not at work. Parents may experience mood swings, feel unable to recognize themselves, struggle with violent feelings toward their children, or completely lose confidence as a parent. How does parental burnout affect children? When parents reach the emotional distancing stage of burnout, it can lead to either neglect, violence (verbal or physical), or both. However, the impact on children can be reduced significantly if the other parent or a support person can compensate by providing consistent care and emotional presence. What causes parental burnout? Parental burnout results from a severe imbalance between parenting stressors and resources. Key risk factors include parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, lack of leisure time, and the intense pressure in Western cultures to be a "perfect parent" while managing everything alone. How is parental burnout different from job burnout? While both involve exhaustion, they occur in different contexts. Job burnout centers on work exhaustion and distance from work beneficiaries, while parental burnout involves exhaustion from parenting and emotional distance from your children. You can have one without the other - in fact, many burned-out parents escape into their work. What does parental burnout feel like? Parents describe feeling like they've reached the end of their tether just thinking about what they need to do for their children. One parent in this episode describes racing forward like a heavy train that couldn't be stopped, then experiencing a complete collapse where she couldn't get out of bed, seemed physically sick, and had no energy despite having been fine the day before. How do you recover from parental burnout? Recovery requires two things: being heard in a truly non-judgmental way, and rebalancing your life by either removing stressors or adding resources. This might mean reducing children's activities, getting consistent help, working on emotional skills, addressing perfectionism, or improving co-parenting. Professional support helps identify changes you can't see yourself. Why do Western parents experience more burnout? Western countries have significantly higher parental burnout rates because of intense social pressure to raise "perfect" children, constant monitoring by institutions and other parents, pervasive social media comparison, and profound isolation. A Western parent with two children faces higher burnout risk than an African parent with eight or nine children who has community support. How can I tell if I need to take a parental burnout assessment? If you experience fatigue that doesn't disappear after several good nights of sleep, along with irritability that's noticeably worse when you're with your children (but better at work), and these symptoms persist for two to three weeks, you should consider taking the Parental Burnout Assessment. Can you prevent parental burnout? Prevention focuses on maintaining balance between parenting stressors and resources. This includes managing perfectionist expectations, building emotional regulation skills, ensuring quality co-parenting, maintaining consistent parenting practices, protecting time for yourself, limiting social media exposure, and actively seeking social support rather than parenting in isolation.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

The science behind parental burnout and why it's different from regular exhaustion
How to recognize the warning signs before you reach crisis point
Why being a "good parent" in modern Western culture sets you up for burnout
The specific risk factors that increase your vulnerability
Real strategies for talking to your children about your burnout
What actually works for recovery (and what doesn't)
How parental burnout impacts children and how to protect them
One parent's lived experience from breakdown to recovery
Why you might be escaping into work without realizing it
The balance assessment that helps identify where to start

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights: 01:45 Introduction to today’s guests 03:17 Dr. Mikolajczak explains that parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel totally exhausted by their parenting role, emotionally distant from their children, lose pleasure in parenting, and see a contrast between who they are now and who they wanted to be as a parent. 06:29 A study shows prevalence ranges from less than 1% to 9%, with Euro-centric countries showing much higher rates than Asian or African countries. 08:20 Kelly shares her experience, describing how burnout feels. She had a complete blackout while away for work, couldn't find her way home, and then collapsed for days afterward. Seven months later, she's still recovering. 11:48 New research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as control parents, even higher than people with severe chronic pain 15:11 Burnout primarily affects children when parents become emotionally distant, which can lead to neglect or violence. A supportive partner can buffer these effects. 19:06 Dr. Mikolajczak explains how parenting expectations have completely changed in just less than 100 years. Parents now face intense pressure from the state, schools, and social media to be perfect. 25:05 The biggest risk factors aren't the number of children or child difficulties. They're parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, and lack of time for yourself. Burnout happens when stressors outweigh resources for too long. 38:59 The two most important warning signs are fatigue that doesn't go away with a few good nights' sleep and irritability, especially if these symptoms last more than two or three weeks and happen mostly at home, not at work. 48:33 Parents need to be listened to in a nonjudgmental way, and they need to rebalance their stressors and resources. This might mean cutting extracurricular activities, finding new support systems, or working with a psychologist to identify changes you didn't think were possible. 53:43 Create a visual schedule so your child knows what's coming next and when they'll have time with you. Reward alone time with something your child loves. Find activities they can do independently, even if just for short periods.

Episode Summary 08: What Is Collaborative Parenting? Real Parent Story

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 20:00:00 -0400

When you started parenting, you probably had ideas about the kind of parent you wanted to be. Maybe you imagined patient bedtimes and peaceful mornings. Then reality hit, and you found yourself doing things you swore you'd never do. Parent Maile Grace knows this feeling well. In this conversation, she shares how her parenting values have shifted since her daughter was born. She talks about moving away from strategies like timeouts that seemed to work in the moment but didn't align with what she truly wanted for her relationship with her child. You'll hear how she supports her kids when they're fighting instead of jumping in to fix everything, and why building connections with neighbors matters more to her now than having a perfectly organized home. If you've ever wondered whether collaborative parenting actually works in real life, this episode gives you a peek into one family's experience.

Questions this episode will answer

What is collaborative parenting? Collaborative parenting means working with your child to solve problems instead of using punishments or rewards to control their behavior. It involves understanding what your child is struggling with and finding solutions that work for everyone. What are parenting values? Parenting values are the principles that guide how you want to raise your children and the kind of relationships you want to build with them. They often include things like respect, connection, autonomy, and understanding. How do children solve problems? Children learn problem-solving skills when adults support them through conflicts rather than immediately fixing things. They practice identifying their own feelings and what matters to them, then working together to find solutions. What is collaborative problem solving? Collaborative problem solving is an approach where parents help children navigate challenges by exploring what's hard for everyone involved and creating solutions together, rather than imposing consequences or rewards. How much sibling fighting is normal? Sibling conflicts are a regular part of childhood. Instead of trying to eliminate fighting completely, parents can focus on supporting children through these moments to help them develop problem-solving and relationship skills. Why is parent collaboration important? When parents work collaboratively with children, kids learn to understand their own feelings and what matters to them. This approach builds stronger relationships and helps children develop skills they'll use throughout their lives.

What you'll learn in this episode

How one parent's values shifted from wanting a "well-behaved" child to prioritizing connection and understanding
Why some common parenting strategies work in the short term but can damage relationships over time
A real example of how collaborative problem-solving looks when siblings are fighting
How to support children in working through conflicts without immediately stepping in to fix things
What it means to let go of trying to control your child's behavior
Why building neighborhood connections became a higher priority than maintaining a perfectly organized home
The difference between parenting strategies that change behavior and approaches that build skills and relationships

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights: 02:01 A brief introduction to today’s guest and what today’s episode is all about 03:40 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership, where you can find the full version of this episode 07:12 Maile gives an example about a challenging time that didn't go the way that she hoped and how she managed to come back around after the words 14:32 What does Maile’s son do to find a connection with her? 19:30 What can you do when you experience the moment where there were like little releases, and then the frustration comes back? 25:07 An open invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop

Episode Summary 07: Is Your Child’s Behavior Really a Disorder? A Psychiatrist Explains

Sun, 18 Jan 2026 20:00:00 -0400

When your child struggles with behavior or attention, doctors might suggest ADHD medication. Before you move forward, you should know what a psychiatric diagnosis actually is - and what it isn't.

This episode examines how psychiatric diagnoses actually work - and what they don't tell you. Dr. Sami Timimi, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in the UK, explains how the mental health system has become an industrial complex that profits from turning distress into diagnoses.

You'll learn why a diagnosis doesn't mean doctors have found something wrong with your child's brain, and why the framework we use to understand mental health struggles might be missing the bigger picture. If you've ever felt pressured to medicate your child or wondered whether there's more to the story than a "chemical imbalance", this conversation will give you the information you didn't know you were missing.

Questions this episode will answer

What do you do when your child has a behavioral problem? Instead of immediately seeking a diagnosis, consider the social context - school environments, family stress, economic pressures, and whether your child's environment actually fits their needs. Addressing these factors can be more effective than focusing solely on fixing the individual child.

What is a psychiatric diagnosis evaluation? A psychiatric diagnosis evaluation is a process where behaviors are observed and categorized according to checklists, but it doesn't involve measuring anything in the brain or body. The diagnosis describes behaviors but doesn't explain what causes them.

Can ADHD be misdiagnosed? Since ADHD diagnosis relies on behavior checklists rather than objective tests, two evaluators can reach different conclusions about the same child. The behaviors labeled as ADHD - hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity - are descriptions, not explanations of what's causing those behaviors.

What is the most common childhood behavioral disorder? ADHD is commonly diagnosed in children, but saying a child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder is circular reasoning - we're just describing the behavior using medical language.

How does parenting affect mental health? Single parents and parents experiencing poverty face significant stressors that impact mental health. When parents seek help for depression or anxiety, they're often directed toward medication rather than receiving support that addresses the actual challenges they face - lack of resources, isolation, and overwhelming demands.

What are the biggest determinants of mental health? Social and economic factors - housing security, job stability, poverty, social support, and community resources - are major determinants of mental health. These environmental conditions create distress that often gets labeled as individual mental illness.

How can social factors affect your mental health? Social factors like economic insecurity, isolation, and the structure of our society create feelings of alienation and the sense that "I'm not good enough." When we say these problems are inside individuals rather than addressing social conditions, we miss opportunities to reduce distress at its source.

What does industrial complex mean in mental health? The mental health industrial complex refers to the entire ecosystem that profits from mental health diagnoses - from expensive assessments and therapies to pharmaceuticals, apps, books, and self-help products. It turns distress into a commodity that can be mined for profit.

What you'll learn in this episode

What happens during psychiatric diagnosis evaluations (and why no brain scan is involved)
Why ADHD medication studies show different results at 14 months versus 30 months (and you’ve probably only heard of the 14 month outcomes)
How the mental health industrial complex profits from turning distress into diagnoses
What parents should know about the difference betweendescribingbehaviors andexplainingthem (and why it matters)
Why circular reasoning (like “your child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder") is everywhere in mental health but rarely discussed
How poverty and lack of social support create mental health struggles that get diagnosed as disorders
What happens when we assume problems are "inside" people rather than in their circumstances
Why supporting families through social and economic interventions might reduce distress more effectively than individual treatment
How the framework we use to understand distress shapes what solutions seem possible
What to consider before starting medication for yourself or your child

Jump to highlights:

01:37 A brief introduction to today’s episode

04:06 Introducing today’s guest

05:41 What does the mental health industrial complex mean?

12:28 How does Dr. Sami Timimi respond when others view his perspective as a fringe position on ADHD and mental health?

14:45 Dr. Sami Timimi can't blame the people for accepting diagnoses as brain-based conditions because they assume doctors have found something wrong in their brains

16:59 A quick review of what we learned today

258: YPM 2025 Year in Review + What’s Coming in 2026

Sun, 11 Jan 2026 20:00:00 -0400

Welcome to 2026! In this episode, we're looking back at what we covered in 2025 and sharing what's coming in the year ahead.

A Year of Growth

2025 was a year of evolution for the podcast. We covered topics you've been asking about - parenting triggers, rage, overwhelm, boundaries, and breaking family trauma cycles. We also did a deep dive across four episodes into Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation (which likely overstates the harm of social media on kids). There’s also a summary episode that covers all the main ideas from the four deep dives in just 17 minutes. Based on feedback from the Podcast Advisory Council, we shifted to shorter public episodes while full-length episodes moved to the Parenting Membership's private feed. Our goal is to get you to the insights that matter faster.

2026: The Year of Mental Health

This year, we're going deep on mental health. What even is it? How can we support it in ourselves and our children? And how does it intersect with neurodivergence? I've already recorded the first episodes and I have to tell you - my mind has been blown by what I'm learning.

Big Changes Coming

The Parenting Membership is now open year-round with a new onboarding process. The website is getting a complete redesign with filters so you can search by your specific challenge and child's age. Plus 10 new starter videos explaining core concepts.

Episodes Mentioned

Resources for You

We've created a bunch of new tools to support your parenting journey:

Parent Anger Quiz- discover how your childhood (even if it seemed "normal") created the triggers you experience today
Calm Parent Toolkit- ($7) get practical, printable resource that helps you understand your triggers, nervous system, and parenting patterns so you can respond to your child with more calm and confidence
Why You're So Angry with Your Child's (Age 1-10) Age-Appropriate Behavior - And What to Do About It masterclass- ($27) learn the three real causes of triggered reactions and get tools to stay calm when your child's behavior usually sets you off
Taming Your Triggers workshop-10-week, all online workshop for parents to help you feel triggered less often by your child's behavior
Beyond the Behavior- free coaching calls (second Wednesday monthly, 9-10.30 am)
Parenting Membership- complete parenting support with evidence-based strategies, coaching, and community
Free parenting resources collection(coming soon)

Jump to highlights: 01:44 Introduction of today’s episode 02:46 A quick recap on one of January’s episodes, which is the 10 game-changing parenting hacks straight from master dog trainers 03:55 In February, research on timeouts helps parents to transition away from physical punishment, and how Taming Your Triggers participants benefit most from community support and coaching 05:55 Last summer, we talked about Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation 09:05 Jen decided to shorten the episodes into 15-20-minute episodes instead of 60-minute exploration 12:56 Parenting Membership enrollment is available for year-round enrollment 15:10 The parent anger quiz helps you to understand the source of the rage that you experience as a parent, even if your childhood was “normal” and not traumatic 17:10 Another free resource is the Beyond the Behavior coaching calls 20:01 In a Your Parenting Mojo family, you're understanding how your childhood shows up in your parenting, noticing your triggers, responding from calm steadiness, and breaking generational cycles of shame and disconnection 21:44 Jen is thanking everyone in the Your Parenting Mojo community for being here and doing the hard work of parenting differently

Episode Summary 06: When Holiday Gift Boundaries Don’t Work (What Does?)

Sun, 23 Nov 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Have you ever opened a gift from your parent and felt your stomach drop? You've tried everything - wishlists, clear conversations, explicit boundaries about gift giving. But the packages keep arriving, filled with things that feel totally opposite from your values. And then you're stuck in this awful place where you're simultaneously angry at them for not respecting your boundaries AND judging yourself for not just being grateful. In this episode, I'm sharing part of a powerful coaching conversation with Sam, who's spent years trying to set gift giving boundaries with her mom. What we discovered is that when unwanted gifts trigger us this intensely, they're touching something way deeper than clutter or consumption. When I talked with Nedra Glover Tawwab recently, she advocated for very strong boundaries: if you get unwanted gifts, you send them back. How the other person feels about that is not your responsibility. You might decide that a hard boundary is the best option for you. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t address the hurt you’re feeling that is leading you to consider a boundary. Through an embodiment exercise, Sam found empathy for her mom's needs while still honoring her own need to be truly seen. But the real breakthrough came when we talked about what to do when your parent simply can't give you what you long for - and why that requires grief work, and not always stronger boundaries.

Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal to have resentment for your parents over gifts? Yes. When unwanted gifts keep coming despite clear boundaries, that resentment often connects to a deeper need - wanting your parent to truly see and understand you. What is the psychology behind excessive gift-giving? Gift givers are often trying to meet needs like staying relevant, feeling competent as a parent, creating connection, and mattering in their grandchildren's lives, especially when physical distance or other limitations exist. How do you respond to unwanted gifts without losing your mind? You can't just decide the gifts don't bother you anymore. It may help to mourn the relationship you wished you had with your parent, and get your need to be seen met through other relationships. What to do with unwanted gifts when boundaries keep failing? You can continue donating them through Buy Nothing groups, but the real shift happens when you stop attaching meaning to the gifts - when a dancing cactus becomes just a dancing cactus, not evidence that your parent doesn't see you. How do you let go of anger and resentment towards a parent? Through embodied mourning rituals - not just making a decision in your head. This might involve gathering with people who truly see you and symbolically releasing the longed-for relationship you're acknowledging you won't have. How do you set boundaries with parents when they won't respect them? Sometimes moving forward means you stop holding the door open, exhausting yourself while you wait for them to walk through it. You find other ways to meet your needs instead.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why gift-giving boundaries fail even when you've been crystal clear about your values and preferences
How embodying her mom helped Sam find empathy for her mom without giving up her own needs
What needs your parent might be trying to meet through excessive gift giving (and why understanding this matters)
The difference between making a mental decision that something doesn't matter and actually mourning the loss of the relationship you wished you had
How to meet your need to be seen and understood through relationships other than your parent
The "door metaphor" - what it means to stop holding it open and why that's different from closing it forever
Why unwanted holiday gifts can become neutral once you've done the grief work
How to stay in relationship with your parent while letting go of the exhausting longing for them to change

Jump to highlights: 01:07 Introduction of today’s episode. 03:05 Sam and her husband send gift lists to their excited long-distance parents to manage space in their small house, but when an inappropriate gift arrives despite their clear requests, Sam feels worried that her boundaries weren't respected. 11:07 Sam struggles between wanting her mother to show up differently and accepting that she can't force that change, feeling like she's leaving a door open while getting frustrated that her mother doesn't know how to walk through it. 14:54 Wrapping up today’s topic 17:20 An open invitation to Parenting Membership Black Friday sale

Episode Summary 05: How to Enforce Boundaries When Someone Doesn’t Respect Them

Sun, 09 Nov 2025 20:00:00 -0400

You've told your parents you're not available during work hours. They keep calling anyway.

You've asked them not to comment on your weight. They bring it up again on the next visit.

You've said no to those random Amazon gifts. Another package arrives at your door.

Many parents know how to set boundaries, but get stuck when someone won't respect them. In this summary episode, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab shares practical strategies for enforcing boundaries when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss them.

You'll learn about

the "fire extinguisher method" for stopping uncomfortable conversations before they spiral
how to embody your boundaries through your actions (not just your words)
how to navigate the especially tricky situation where you rely on someone for childcare but they won't respect your limits.

Nedra also discusses her new children's book and works through real scenarios about unwanted gifts, body-shaming comments, and what to do when setting a boundary means potentially losing support you need.

This conversation gets honest about the hard choices enforcing boundaries sometimes requires. Can you really maintain a boundary with someone you depend on? What do you do when the person provides childcare for you?

Nedra offers a clear framework for deciding when to stand firm, how to take action when words aren't working, and why allowing people to be upset with you is part of the process.

Questions this episode will answer

How do you deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? Enforce the boundary through your behavior, not just your words. If someone keeps calling during work hours after you've asked them not to, don't answer the phone. If they bring unwanted gifts, donate them immediately or return them to the gift-giver. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do.

Why is setting boundaries so hard? We often learned in our families of origin that setting boundaries leads to rejection or anger. We worry about people being mad at us, the relationship ending, or being seen as selfish. These fears come from early experiences where our caregivers responded poorly when we tried to express our needs and boundaries.

How do you enforce boundaries when words aren't working? Use behavioral enforcement. Stop answering calls during the times you've said you're unavailable. Use the "fire extinguisher method" to interrupt conversations the moment they start heading toward topics you've said are off-limits. Show through your actions that you meant what you said.

What is the fire extinguisher method for boundaries? Jump in to stop conversations before they get going, the way you'd use a fire extinguisher on a small flame before it spreads. When someone starts bringing up a topic you've clearly said you won't discuss, interrupt them immediately: "I know where this is going, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

Why do people get upset when you set boundaries? Some people are used to being able to say or do whatever they want in the relationship. Your boundary ‘brushes up against’ their expectation of having full access to you or being able to speak freely. They may also genuinely believe you need to hear what they have to say.

Should you be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries? This depends on the severity of the violation and your level of dependence. If someone provides childcare but also body shames you, you may need to find alternative childcare to truly maintain the boundary. Sometimes you have to choose between the support someone offers and having your boundaries respected. You might accept that certain behaviors come as part of the "package," or you might want to reduce your reliance on that person.

Is setting boundaries selfish? Other people may call you selfish when you set boundaries because your limits inconvenience them or challenge their expectations. But protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn't selfish. Your emotional regulation is not someone else's responsibility, and their emotional regulation is not yours.

What do you do when you rely on someone who won't respect your boundaries? You have to decide whether you can accept that certain boundary violations come with the support they provide, or whether you want to explore other options. This might mean finding alternative childcare, reducing financial dependence, or building a "chosen family" support system.

How do you enforce firm boundaries without cutting people out of your life? You can maintain a relationship while still enforcing boundaries through your behavior. Don't answer calls during work hours even if they keep calling. Stop conversations immediately when they head toward off-limit topics. Return unwanted gifts. You're not ending the relationship - you're defining how it works.

What does boundaries versus control mean? Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling what someone else does. Telling someone "don't call me during work" is actually trying to control their behavior. The boundary is: "I won't answer calls during work hours." The distinction matters because you can only control yourself.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why enforcing boundaries requires behavioral changes, not just verbal statements
How to use the "fire extinguisher method" to stop conversations that cross your boundaries
What to do when someone keeps calling, texting, or contacting you after you've asked them not to
Specific strategies for handling unwanted gifts from family members without adding to your mental load
How to respond when parents or in-laws make repeated comments about your body, parenting, or life choices
Why "allowing people to be upset with you" is a necessary part of maintaining boundaries
When you might want to choose between receiving support and having your boundaries respected
How to know if you should accept boundary violations as part of a "package deal" with childcare or other help
Ways to build alternative support systems when family won't respect your limits
The difference between boundaries (what you control) and attempts to control others' behavior
How to help kids understand boundaries around physical touch and when you need space
What to say to children who want immediate attention when you're not available

Nedra Glover Tawwab's website:

nedratawab.com

Jump to highlights:

01:34 Introduction of today’s guest and today’s topic

04:14 An open invitation to the Black Friday sale coming up in late November

05:03 What is a boundary?

05:25 What’s the difference between a boundary and a limit?

07:34 How does Nedra handle situations when someone keeps ignoring boundaries you've set, even after you've clearly explained why they matter?

16:20 Nedra says, “If we set boundaries for people, we want them to change.”

19:01 Jen and Nedra talk about how to set boundaries when it comes to their children

21:30 Nedra shares about her new children’s book, “What Makes You Happy”

23:59 Wrapping up

24:54 Jen tells where to connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab to access her books, quizzes, and other boundary-setting tools

257: I Don't Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do

Sun, 19 Oct 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Do you ever wake up with tension in your body because you know your child will want to play the moment you walk out of your bedroom? Do you spend time with your child but think about all the chores you should be doing instead? Parent Aija came to a (FREE!) Beyond The Behavior coaching call with exactly this challenge. She plays with her four-and-a-half-year-old son a lot. But she doesn't enjoy it. And she has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. What starts as a question about setting boundaries and making time for herself becomes something much deeper. We discover that Aija's struggle with play isn't really about play at all. When we explore what makes Special Time so hard, we uncover sadness and grief that Aija didn't even realize was there. The messages she received as a child about productivity and being a "good" future wife and mother are still running in the background, making it really hard for her to be present with her son. But we also find three concrete strategies that help Aija see a way forward. By the end of our conversation, her entire demeanor has shifted. She's smiling. She has a plan. We’ll uncover the key reasons why playing with our kids is hard, and how to get the most out of this important time.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is parenting guilt? Parenting guilt shows up when you think you "should" enjoy something but you don't. As Aija describes it: "I don't enjoy just spending time playing. My kids, that's terrible. But it seems that no matter how much Special Time we have, it's not enough for him." It's the gap between the parent you think you're supposed to be and the reality of your experience. Why do I have parenting guilt about not enjoying play? Parenting guilt often comes from comparing yourself to others and from messages you received growing up. When Aija watches her husband play easily with their son, she thinks "I want to be like that" - but that comparison triggers shame, which makes it even harder to make decisions aligned with your values. What is Special Time with your child? Special Time is consistent daily dedicated one-on-one time with your child where they get to choose the activity. The purpose is to meet their need for autonomy, along with their needs for connection, joy, and fun. How is Special Time linked to my child’s behavior? Even just spending 10 minutes consistently with your child can have enormous benefits on their connection with you (and thus their behavior in situations outside of Special Time). Many of the behaviors that parents find irritating (resisting leaving the house in the morning, annoying behaviors, hitting siblings, bedtime stalling) are kids’ best attempt to connect with us - when they do these things, we pay attention to them. When we do Special Time, they’ll likely stop using these behaviors to get your attention/connection. What are the benefits of Special Time? Special Time meets your child's needs for connection, joy, play, and autonomy. When children get their connection needs met consistently, they're less likely to use challenging behaviors to get your attention. As we discover in Aija's situation, her son's morning behaviors (taking her bookmark, throwing blankets over her head) are his way of trying to get connection time. How to do Special Time with kids? Special Time should ideally be 10 minutes of consistent daily play where the child gets to choose the activity. The consistency is really important. It’s much better to do 10 minutes daily than an hour on an unpredictable basis. This communicates to your child: “You’re special. I love you and I want to spend time with you.” How to make Special Time easier? Three strategies can help: First, offer activities you actually enjoy doing together as the default options - for Aija, that meant suggesting Legos or painting first. Second, use Special Time as your mindfulness practice by noticing when your mind wanders to thoughts about chores or productivity, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Third, have problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. Why does my child whine, cry, and tantrum at the end of Special Time? They do these things because they enjoy it so much - and because they don’t know when they’ll get to have this amazing experience with you again. When you tell them: “Well have Special Time again tomorrow” and then actually do it, they learn to trust you and they stop protesting when it’s over. What causes productivity guilt? Productivity guilt comes from cultural conditioning. As Aija discovered when exploring her childhood: "I think as I got older, it was more about school. You have to get good grades and you have to learn certain skills to function as a future mom." When you're taught that your worth comes from being productive, play can seem like a waste of time. Why do I feel guilty when I'm unproductive? The belief that you should always be productive usually comes from how you were raised. Aija realized: "Play is not productive. Yeah, it seems that's how I grew up." When rest or play triggers thoughts about chores you "should" be doing instead, that's this conditioning at work. How do you meet your needs and your child's needs at the same time? Start by identifying what needs each person has. Then have a problem-solving conversation where everyone describes their ideal experience. Look for strategies that address multiple needs at once - like offering five minutes of connection first thing in the morning to meet your child's need for connection, which then makes it easier for them to give you the time and space you want to drink your coffee and read. How do needs influence behavior? When children's needs aren't met, they find strategies to get those needs met - sometimes through behaviors we find challenging. A child who steals your bookmark or throws blankets over your head is meeting their need for connection by making sure you notice them and don't forget about spending time together. How can I set boundaries with family members without damaging relationships? Boundaries work best as a second-line tool, after you've tried to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. When you meet your child's needs most of the time, they're much more willing to accept boundaries in the moments when you can't meet both of your needs. You may also find you want to set fewer boundaries because when everyone's needs are being met more often, there are fewer moments of conflict. How to get rid of parental guilt? Instead of trying to eliminate guilt, get curious about where it comes from. What messages did you receive growing up about play, productivity, and what makes you valuable? Then work on meeting both your needs and your child's needs through problem-solving conversations and choosing activities you genuinely enjoy doing together. Using playtime as mindfulness practice can also help - noticing thoughts about what you "should" be doing and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Why do I experience play resistance with my child? Play resistance often comes from messages you received growing up about the value of productivity versus play. As Aija discovered, when you were taught to focus on school, achievement, and preparing to be a future spouse and parent, "play is not productive" becomes a deeply ingrained belief that's hard to shake, even when you're with your own child.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll hear a real coaching conversation with parent Aija, who doesn't enjoy playing with her son and has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. You'll discover:

Why disliking play often isn't about the play itself, but about the messages you received growing up about productivity and your worth
How comparing yourself to your partner (who seems to play effortlessly) can trigger shame that makes it even harder to be present with your child
The connection between childhood grief and difficulty setting boundaries with your own children
Three specific strategies to make Special Time more enjoyable: focusing on activities you actually like doing together, using playtime as mindfulness practice, and having problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges
Why your child's challenging morning behaviors (like stealing your bookmark or throwing blankets over your head - as well as behaviors like resisting leaving the house, doing things you find annoying, hitting siblings, and resisting bedtime) are actually bids for connection
How to structure an "ideal morning" conversation with your family that identifies everyone's needs and finds strategies to meet them
Why boundaries should be your second-line tool, not your default approach
How meeting your child's needs more consistently actually makes them more receptive to boundaries when you do need to set them

Beyond The Behavior Coaching Calls

Want coaching like this for yourself? These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 9 AM Pacific, and they're completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you're facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents. We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can't make it live, don't worry - recordings are available inside the Parenting Membership where they're searchable by topic. There's no commitment. We'll send you a reminder before each call, and you can join if it works for you or skip it if you're busy with other things. Whether you're struggling with Special Time like Aija, dealing with challenging behaviors, or trying to figure out how to stop yelling at your kids, these calls give you a chance to work through your specific situation with support. Click the banner to learn more and sign up Jump to highlights: 02:36 Jen shares some updates that are about to happen in the podcast, as well as the Your Parenting Mojo business that supports it 06:16 An open invitation to Parent Coaching for effective, lasting change 08:11 The biggest change to a long-time podcast listener after today’s episode is that Jen is likely to produce much shorter episodes than usual 10:11 A BIG update in the Parenting Membership, which is about to start in January 2026 18:00 Aija shares a story from when she was young that shows us what play looked like for her 25:39 Three strategies when you don’t enjoy playing with your child 37:17 Wrapping up 41:30 An open invitation to the FREE Beyond the Behavior coaching calls

256: Managing Anger as a Parent: The Two Types of Anger You Need to Know

Sun, 28 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Are you tired of feeling guilty every time you get angry as a parent? What if your anger actually contains valuable information about what needs to change in your family systems? Most parental anger management approaches treat all anger the same way - as a problem that requires control. But research shows there are actually two distinct types of parental anger, and understanding this difference changes everything about how you respond. Instead of suppressing your emotions or exploding at your kids, you can learn to use your anger constructively to create positive change for your family. In this episode, you'll discover why traditional anger control methods often backfire and learn a practical framework for responding to your anger in ways that honor both your emotional experience and your family's wellbeing. You'll understand when your anger is pointing to legitimate systemic problems versus when it's signaling you've hit your personal limits.

Questions this episode will answer

Why do I get so angry as a parent? Parental anger often emerges when core values around fairness, respect, or safety are violated, or when you're overwhelmed and basic needs aren't being met. What are the two types of anger parents experience? Values-Aligned Anger carries information about legitimate concerns and aims for positive change, while Reactive Anger emerges from overwhelm, triggers, or unmet basic needs. How can I control my anger with my child? The HEAR method (Halt, Empathize, Acknowledge, Respond) provides a framework for responding to anger constructively rather than suppressing or exploding. How does parental anger affect children? When parents model constructive anger responses, children learn that emotions can fuel positive change rather than destruction, and that their voices matter. How do I deal with parental anger issues? Understanding whether your anger is Values-Aligned (requiring systemic changes) or Reactive (requiring self-care and healing) determines the most effective response strategy. What are the symptoms of parental rage? Reactive anger typically comes suddenly with surprising intensity, seems disproportionate to triggers, and leaves you drained, while Values-Aligned anger builds gradually and energizes you toward solutions.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why emotional suppression techniques often backfire and create "emotional rebound" effects
How to distinguish between Values-Aligned Anger (pointing to systemic problems) and Reactive Anger (signaling overwhelm or triggers)
The HEAR method for responding to anger constructively while maintaining family connection
Practical strategies for addressing the mental load and inequitable parenting responsibilities
How to model healthy anger responses that teach children their emotions have value
When to focus on systemic changes versus personal healing and self-care
Why your anger about impossible parenting standards reflects legitimate concerns about family-unfriendly systems
How to break the Anger-Guilt Cycle that keeps parents stuck in suppression and explosion patterns

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:53 Introduction to today’s episode 03:50 Research shows that common anger management advice like breathing exercises and staying calm actually backfires, creating an emotional rebound that makes anger worse 05:40 A comprehensive research review by Richard and colleagues examined 46 studies on anger and found that anger serves important functions in our cognitive and emotional systems 06:07 The first type of anger, which is the Lordian Rage, according to Philosopher Myisha Cherry, but other researchers call it values-aligned anger or moral anger 07:50 The second type of anger is the reactive anger, and it emerges from overwhelm from past triggers getting activated or from basic needs that are not being met 09:10 You have to look at your own history and situation to know what kind of anger you’re dealing with 12:15 Both types of anger contain important information, but they're most effectively addressed with quite different responses. Jen has created a HEAR method: H for halt, E for empathize, A for acknowledge, and R for respond, which can be used when the anger is already building up 21:02 When you feel angry about shouldering a disproportionate share of family responsibilities, your anger reflects broader cultural patterns where domestic labor continues to fall more heavily on women 23:42 Ideas that can be gained from the discussion 24:40 An open invitation for the Taming Your Triggers workshop

255: Why Do I Keep Snapping? Parenting Rage When Your Childhood ‘Wasn’t That Bad

Sun, 21 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Do you find yourself going from zero to a hundred in seconds when your child spills something, refuses to cooperate, or has a meltdown? If you're constantly asking yourself, "Why do I keep snapping at my child?" or "Why am I so angry as a parent?" - you're definitely not alone. Many parents struggle with parenting triggers that seem to come out of nowhere, leaving them wondering how such small incidents can create such big reactions. What if your childhood "wasn't that bad" but you're still dealing with parenting anger? In this episode, we explore the connection between unknown childhood trauma and parenting triggers through a real coaching session with Terese, a teacher and mom of three who found herself snapping at her kids despite having plenty of support at home. You'll discover how unresolved childhood trauma in adults shows up in parenting - even when we don't recognize our experiences as traumatic - and learn practical strategies to break generational cycles of yelling and reactivity.

Questions this episode will answer

Can you have childhood trauma and not know it? Yes - many adults don't recognize patterns like walking on eggshells or constant criticism as signs of unresolved childhood trauma, but these experiences still create parenting triggers and shape how we respond to stress as parents. Why do I get so angry as a parent when my childhood wasn't traumatic? Unknown childhood trauma often involves seemingly "normal" experiences that still create triggers in our nervous system, causing us to react intensely to situations that mirror our past, even if we don't identify our upbringing as traumatic. What are the signs of unresolved childhood trauma in adults? Signs include quick reactivity to minor issues, parenting anger over small things, feeling like everything is "your fault," difficulty with self-compassion, and repeating patterns you experienced as a child - even from childhoods that seemed "fine." How do I stop getting angry with my child? Breaking the cycle of parenting triggers involves recognizing your unknown childhood trauma patterns, meeting your basic needs (like movement and rest), and developing self-compassion instead of self-judgment. How to deal with rage as a parent? Start by identifying your baseline needs, practice self-compassion when you do snap, work to separate your mother's voice from your own thoughts, and understand that parenting anger often stems from unresolved trauma and parenting patterns. Why am I so triggered by my child when I had a normal childhood? Children often activate our own childhood wounds through their behavior, especially when it mirrors situations where we felt criticized or blamed as kids - even in families we remember as loving or "normal."

What you'll learn in this episode

You'll hear how one parent's story of snapping over a bike ride reveals deeper patterns rooted in unknown childhood trauma - growing up with a mother who yelled frequently in what she considered a "normal" household. We explore how seemingly typical childhoods involving walking on eggshells create adults who struggle with self-compassion and parenting triggers, even when they don't identify their experiences as traumatic. Discover practical strategies for addressing unresolved childhood trauma in adults, including how to identify your movement and rest baselines, why self-compassion is crucial for breaking cycles of parenting anger, and how to recognize when you're thinking critical thoughts rather than accepting them as truth. You'll learn why meeting your basic needs isn't selfish when dealing with parenting triggers - it's essential for showing up as the parent you want to be. We also address how unresolved trauma and parenting intersect, showing you how to separate your own childhood experiences from your current parenting challenges. This episode offers hope for parents dealing with anger issues, demonstrating that understanding your triggers - even those rooted in unknown childhood trauma - is the first step toward responding to your kids with more patience and connection, regardless of whether you consider your childhood traumatic.

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:29 Introduction to today’s episode 04:32 Terese is telling her experience where she snapped, from zero to a hundred 09:33 Terese shares about her childhood 13:18 Terese often notices she sometimes snaps at her children, and she's wondering if this connects to her own childhood experiences with her mother, who often yelled and blamed her 25:15 What Terese would advise her friend if that “snapping” situation happened to her 32:54 Tools that can help when you feel that you’re about to snap 33:55 An open invitation to the Taming Your Triggers workshop

Episode Summary 04: Reparenting Yourself: Break Your Family’s Trauma Cycle

Sun, 14 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Every parent knows that harsh inner voice that whispers "You're a terrible parent" when you lose your patience, or "You've ruined your kids forever" after a difficult moment. This episode reveals a simple "magic trick" that can instantly create space between you and those critical thoughts - and it's something anyone can learn. Discover how one powerful phrase can transform your reactions from triggered explosions to curious responses. You'll learn where your inner critic actually comes from (hint: it's often an echo from your own childhood), and how reparenting yourself can break generational cycles of trauma. This episode recaps the following episodes, giving you a lot of the benefit of 3 hours of content, in just 21 minutes:

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is the inner critic and how does it affect parenting? The inner critic is that harsh, judgmental voice that tells you you're failing as a parent. It often stems from childhood trauma and can trigger explosive reactions to normal child behavior. Where does the inner critic come from? Your inner critic is usually an internalized version of critical voices from your childhood - parents, teachers, or caregivers who couldn't handle your authentic self or big emotions. How do you identify your inner critic? Watch for thoughts using absolute language ("always," "never," "terrible"), character judgments ("I'm a bad parent"), catastrophic conclusions, and voices that sound like critical figures from your past. What does reparenting yourself mean? Reparenting yourself means giving yourself the patience, understanding, and compassion you didn't receive as a child - becoming the caring parent to yourself that you needed growing up. How do you reparent yourself as a parent? Start by questioning your thoughts instead of believing them automatically. When you notice self-critical thoughts, respond to yourself with the same gentleness you'd offer a dear friend or your own child. How can you break the generational cycle of trauma? Use tools like the ‘magic trick’ from this episode to create space between your triggered reactions and conscious responses, allowing you to respond from your values instead of reacting from old wounds. What are common inner critic examples parents experience? "Everyone thinks I'm a bad parent", "I'm raising a disrespectful child", "I've damaged my child forever", "Other parents are better than me", and "I'm just repeating my parents' mistakes". How does childhood trauma affect parenting? Unresolved childhood trauma can make you react disproportionately to normal child behavior, shut down emotionally when children express big emotions, or swing between being too permissive and too strict.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

The Simple ‘Magic Trick’ That Changes Everything Learn the exact phrase that instantly creates distance between you and your critical thoughts, giving you space to respond differently in challenging parenting moments. Real Parent Examples of Transformation Hear Katie's story of how this technique helped her stop spiraling when her friend didn't call back, and Amy's powerful example of interrupting explosive anger with her children after recognizing the pattern. How to Identify Your Inner Critic Patterns Discover the four key signs that reveal when your inner critic is driving your reactions, including the specific language patterns and emotional triggers to watch for. The Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Parenting Understand how experiences that left you unable to express your authentic self safely create the inner critic voices that get triggered by your children's normal behavior. A 5-Step Practice You Can Use Today Get a concrete framework for noticing stories, adding the "magic words," getting curious about other possibilities, checking your body, and practicing self-compassion. How This Creates Space for Different Choices Learn how stepping back from your thoughts as absolute truth opens up new possibilities for responding to your child's behavior with curiosity instead of reactivity. Breaking Generational Cycles in Your Family Discover how using this technique not only changes your parenting but teaches your children emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills they'll carry into adulthood. Reparenting Yourself Through Daily Interactions Understand how this simple practice becomes a form of reparenting yourself - giving yourself the patient, understanding voice you needed as a child but may not have received.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

Printable PDF:

5 Steps on Reparenting Yourself: A Magic Trick to Break Your Family's Trauma Cycle Jump to highlights 01:28 What’s packed into today’s episode 02:19 That voice in our heads that’s constantly judging us and makes parenting so much harder is called the inner critic 05:03 How can we identify this inner critic and separate it from what’s really happening? What triggers our inner critic? 06:44 You don’t have to believe everything you think 14:10 When we believe our thoughts completely, we only see one version of reality, but stepping back to recognize these as thoughts rather than facts opens up new possibilities for how we understand our children, partners, and ourselves as parents 15:32 What is reparenting? 17:31 Wrapping up

Episode Summary 03: How to Stop Yelling as a Parent: Emotional Regulation Techniques That Work

Sun, 07 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Does your child's behavior sometimes trigger such an instant, overwhelming reaction that you find yourself yelling before you even realize what happened? That moment when your jaw clenches, your shoulders tense, and suddenly you're saying things you wish you could take back? You're experiencing what millions of parents face daily - a nervous system response that happens faster than conscious thought. This episode reveals the science behind why willpower alone isn't enough to stop yelling, and introduces you to specific, learnable skills that can transform how you respond to your child's most challenging moments. You'll discover what's actually happening in your body during those triggered moments, why suppressing your anger isn't the answer, and how your emotional responses are teaching your child crucial lessons about handling life's difficulties. Most importantly, you'll learn practical techniques that work in real parenting situations - not theoretical advice that falls apart when your preschooler has a meltdown in the grocery store. This summary episode makes all the research from several much longer episodes available for time-strapped parents. If you want to learn more, these episodes will help:

Questions this episode will answer

What is emotional regulation and why do parents struggle with it? Emotional regulation is monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional reactions to accomplish your parenting goals. Parents struggle because stress triggers happen faster than rational thought. Why do I yell at my child even when I don't want to? Your sympathetic nervous system floods your body with stress hormones before your rational brain registers what's happening, making yelling an automatic response. What are the best emotional regulation techniques for parents? Simple grounding techniques like conscious breathing, body awareness, and reappraisal strategies that work with your nervous system instead of against it. When you use these techniques makes all the difference. How do I stop yelling as a parent without suppressing my emotions? Learn to acknowledge your emotions while using grounding techniques to create space between your automatic reaction and your chosen response. Does yelling at your child affect them long-term? Yes, children learn emotional regulation by watching how you handle intense moments. Your responses teach them whether emotions are safe or dangerous. How can I improve my emotional regulation as a busy parent? Practice recognizing your body's early warning signals and use quick techniques like one conscious breath or muscle awareness throughout the day. This will help your body to learn the skills when the stakes are lower, so they’ll be more accessible in the difficult moments.

What you'll learn in this episode

You'll discover the biological reason why "just stay calm" doesn't work and why your body reacts to parenting stress the same way it responds to actual danger. Learn to identify your personal early warning signals and how to use them as valuable information rather than problems to ignore. Master simple grounding techniques that take seconds, not minutes, including the power of one conscious breath and how touching different textures can bring you back to the present moment. You'll understand the difference between emotional suppression (which actually increases stress for both you and your child) and healthy emotional acknowledgment that models resilience. Explore the concept of reappraisal and discover how assuming positive intent can completely change your response. Learn why your strongest reactions often connect to your own childhood experiences and how recognizing these patterns can help you respond to what's actually happening right now. Finally, understand how your emotional regulation directly impacts your child's developing nervous system and why the work you do on yourself becomes one of the most powerful parenting tools you have.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:43 Introduction to today’s episode 04:21 What is emotion regulation? 05:16 Parenting triggers are situations that activate our stress response based on our own past experiences 06:31 The first step in developing more effective responses is learning to recognize your body's early warning signals 07:48 When you notice the early warning signs, this is where we can use what researchers call grounding techniques. Strategies that can bring your nervous system back into balance using tools like breathing, movement, or touch 13:07 Children learn about their own emotional responses in three main ways 16:16 When our children's actions spark intense reactions in us, we're usually responding to old wounds rather than what's happening in the moment 17:19 Other ways to practice emotion regulation in daily life 18:32 Wrapping up

254: What is FAFO Parenting? The 9 Most Important Things Parents Should Know

Tue, 02 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0400

If you've been scrolling TikTok or parenting forums lately, you've probably encountered FAFO parenting - the trending approach that's being positioned as the antidote to ‘overly permissive’ gentle parenting. Standing for ‘F*** Around and Find Out,’ this parenting style centers on letting children experience harsh consequences without parental intervention, even when parents could easily prevent those consequences. But is FAFO parenting actually effective, or does it create more problems than it solves? In this comprehensive episode, we explore what FAFO parenting really looks like in practice, examine the research behind popular parenting approaches, and uncover why both FAFO and traditional gentle parenting often miss the mark. Most importantly, we'll discover collaborative alternatives that meet both children's developmental needs and parents' legitimate needs - without the exhaustion of scripted responses or the relationship damage of harsh consequences.

Questions this episode will answer

What does FAFO parenting actually mean? FAFO stands for "F*** Around and Find Out" - an approach where parents let children experience unpleasant consequences without intervention, believing this teaches better decision-making. What are real examples of FAFO parenting in action? Examples include letting a child walk home in the rain without a coat, throwing away toys left on the floor, and making children buy their own underwear after accidents. Why is FAFO parenting gaining popularity among parents? Parents exhausted by gentle parenting scripts and constant negotiation are attracted to FAFO's apparent simplicity and the promise of teaching children through direct consequences. What's the difference between consequences and punishments in parenting? Authentic consequences happen naturally (getting cold without a jacket), while punishments are artificially created by parents (throwing away toys, withholding food, or requiring that kids replace underwear they’ve soiled). Does gentle parenting actually create "soft" children? Research doesn't support this claim. Most of what's called "gentle parenting" online is actually scripted control, and a fear of children’s big feelings, not truly responsive parenting. Why might children lie more when parents use FAFO approaches? When honesty consistently leads to harsh consequences parents could prevent, children learn that hiding problems is safer than seeking help. What really causes behavioral challenges in today's children? Multiple factors including increased academic pressure, reduced recess, economic stress, social media impact, and less community support - not parenting styles alone (or screen time alone either!). Is authoritative parenting really the "gold standard" research proves? The original authoritative parenting research included spanking and only compared four control-based approaches, missing collaborative alternatives that work even better.

What you'll learn in this episode

The hidden problems with FAFO parenting that can damage parent-child relationships: Discover how this approach can increase lying, reduce trust, and position parents as adversaries rather than allies in their children's development. Why most "gentle parenting" isn't actually gentle: Learn how scripted validation and sweetener offers are really just "control with lipstick," and why this approach exhausts parents without meeting children's real needs. The real reasons behind children's challenging behaviors: Understand the complex factors affecting today's kids, from school pressure to reduced community support, and why behavior is often communication about unmet needs. How to move beyond the false choice between "tough" and "soft" parenting: Explore collaborative approaches that set effective boundaries while maintaining connection, using curiosity about underlying needs rather than reactive consequences. Alternatives that work better than both FAFO and scripted gentle parenting: Discover practical tools for meeting both parents' and children's psychological needs through creative problem-solving. How your parenting approach shapes the culture your family creates: Learn why the methods you choose today influence not just compliance, but the kind of adults your children become and the world they'll help create. Ready to move beyond the parenting extremes and discover what actually builds cooperation, trust, and resilience in children? Listen now to transform your approach from managing behavior to building relationships that last. Other episodes mentioned

Jump to highlights 01:23 Introduction of today’s podcast 02:33 What FAFO parenting looks like 06:07 FAFO parenting confuses punishment with consequences 10:33 FAFO parenting may damage the parent-child relationship 11:53 Research shows us that children thrive when they have a secure relationship with their caregivers 15:55 What people actually mean when they say ‘gentle parenting’? 22:39 The real reasons behind kids' behavior challenges that FAFO parenting misses 27:52 FAFO parenting often encourages children to lie and hide mistakes rather than being honest, since telling the truth leads to unpleasant consequences 32:33 FAFO parenting sees stopping undesirable behavior as more important than understanding it 47:39 FAFO parenting skips over the possibility of meeting both people's needs. It assumes that when there's a conflict, someone has to lose and usually that someone is the child 51:27 An open invitation for Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 52:51 Wrapping up the discussion References

The Cut article: Petrow, J. (2023, March 22). Is gentle parenting effective? The Cut. https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/is-gentle-parenting-effective.html

New York Times article: Blinder, A. (2015, April 1). Atlanta educators convicted in school cheating scandal. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/us/verdict-reached-in-atlanta-school-testing-trial.html

253: How to Do Homeschooling: A Former Teacher Explores Unschooling

Sun, 17 Aug 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Ever wondered about alternative paths to educate your child outside the traditional school system? My guest today is Laura Moore, who spent 15 years in early childhood education - and who is now exploring homeschooling alternatives, including unschooling, for her own child. As a teacher and mother of a 3.5-year-old, Laura brings a unique insider perspective to the education debate. She opens up about witnessing the limitations of the current school system, the pressure children face to conform to rigid schedules, and why she's questioning whether traditional schooling truly serves our children's best interests. You'll hear a raw, honest conversation between two parents grappling with real concerns about education choices. Laura shares her genuine questions about balancing work with alternative education, handling judgment from others, and whether children can truly thrive outside the conventional system. Her curiosity about unschooling leads to fascinating insights about child-led learning, maintaining boundaries while honoring children's natural rhythms, and creating educational experiences that preserve rather than diminish curiosity.

Questions this episode will answer

What is unschooling and how does it work?
How is unschooling different from homeschooling?
Can you homeschool while working full time?
What are the pros and cons of homeschooling?
How to get started with homeschooling?
Is homeschooling better than traditional education?
What are the advantages of homeschooling?
What's wrong with the traditional education system?
How do you handle judgment about homeschooling decisions?
Do homeschooled children get into college?
How do homeschooled children get socialization?
What's the role of parents in unschooling?
How do you balance work and alternative education as a family?
What happens to children's natural curiosity in traditional school?

What you'll learn in this episode

The insider perspective on traditional education's limitations: Hear firsthand from a teacher about the systemic issues affecting children's learning and wellbeing in conventional schools, including the impact of rigid scheduling and underfunding. How unschooling preserves children's natural curiosity: Discover why traditional schooling often kills children's innate desire to learn and how alternative approaches can maintain and nurture this crucial trait throughout childhood. Practical strategies for balancing work and alternative education: Learn how to homeschool while working full time, including realistic approaches for working parents, flexible scheduling, community programs, and family support systems. Discover the advantages and disadvantages of homeschooling: Get a comprehensive overview of homeschooling pros and cons compared to traditional education, and develop a practical homeschooling plan for families considering alternatives. The truth about socialization in homeschooling: Understand how homeschooled children actually develop social skills and why the diversity of real-world interactions often surpasses traditional classroom socialization. How to handle family and social pressure about education choices: Get specific strategies for responding to criticism and judgment while staying true to your family's values and educational philosophy. Real examples of learning without formal curriculum: See how everyday activities like volunteering at animal shelters, helping with household tasks, and following natural interests create rich learning opportunities. The college and career reality for unschooled children: Learn about the actual pathways to higher education and career success for children educated outside the traditional system, including inspiring real-world examples. How to trust your child's learning process: Understand the mindset shift required to move from controlling education to supporting natural learning, including how to recognize learning that doesn't look like traditional schoolwork. Setting healthy boundaries while honoring children's needs: Discover how to maintain structure and meet practical requirements while respecting children's capacity, interests, and natural rhythms.

FAQ

How do you maintain structure without being too rigid like schools? Find a balance between saying yes to everything and having super rigid boundaries. You can maintain routine and predictability while still respecting what children want to do and what their bodies are telling them. This means having some structure so children know what's coming next, but staying flexible enough to honor their natural rhythms and genuine needs. What if my child isn't meeting traditional grade-level expectations? Children learn most effectively when they're genuinely interested and ready. A 10-year-old learned multiplication tables up to 9x9 in just one week using a satisfying toy button, after years of traditional teaching methods hadn't worked. When children are truly ready and interested, they absorb information quickly and naturally without the lengthy "drip feeding" that forced instruction often requires. How do you deal with judgment from family and friends? Your approach should depend on your relationship with the person. For close family members who you see regularly, have honest conversations about their concerns - they likely want what's best for your child and may have fears about nontraditional paths. For casual acquaintances or strangers, you don't need to justify your choices. Remember that others' strong opinions often reflect their own fears and unmet needs rather than real concerns about your situation. Can homeschooled kids really get into college? Yes, through several pathways: community college (which provides official transcripts and teacher recommendations), standardized testing at designated centers, or parent-created transcripts. Homeschooled students often excel in college because they maintain their natural curiosity and genuine interest in learning, rather than just asking "what do I need to do to get an A?" They're more likely to approach professors with genuine questions about research and exploration. How do working parents make homeschooling work practically? Many arrangements work successfully. The only scenario that typically doesn't work is when all parents must be out of the house full-time with no alternative childcare. Successful arrangements include: parents with alternating work schedules, part-time not-school programs, family exchanges (watching each other's children on different days), flexible work-from-home arrangements, and children participating in parents' businesses when age-appropriate. What about socialization - won't my child miss out? Homeschooled children often experience more diverse and authentic social interactions than traditional school provides. Even in supposedly diverse schools, children often segregate by race and academic track. Homeschool communities and not-school programs typically offer more adult support for navigating social situations, encourage cross-age friendships, and foster more genuine connections without the artificial social pressures common in traditional school environments. Do I need to know everything my child needs to learn? No. Learning happens naturally through everyday experiences and genuine interest. When children are motivated by real goals, they can learn remarkably quickly - one parent learned all the math needed for university entrance exams in just six months when she was ready and motivated. Children naturally learn what they need when they need it, often much more efficiently than premature, forced instruction provides.

Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning

Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured. Just like Laura discovered, learning happens everywhere - in everyday conversations, through helping with household tasks, during visits to museums, and in those spontaneous moments when your child asks "why?". The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is. The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. You'll discover how to:

Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)
Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parent
Create a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose

Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods. We'll get you notified when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more. Other episode mentioned: 221: How to advocate for the schools our children deserve Jump to highlights 02:09 Introduction of today’s episode and guest 08:53 Laura feels a little bit uncertain about where the education system is going in the UK, but from her colleagues, who she knows across the world, it is a relatively universal thing, where the education system is not serving children as well as it could 18:54 We can step out of curriculum pressure by remembering that learning happens everywhere. Kids will be ahead in some areas, behind in others, and that's okay 29:43 When we model honoring our boundaries and needs, we teach our children that they can do the same. This creates powerful learning about mutual respect. Moving away from rigid school schedules allows both parent and child to follow their body's rhythms 41:59 While childcare coverage matters more when children are younger, older kids become more self-sufficient. Older age kids can direct their own time, but in the younger age range, having regular places to go can be helpful for families 55:25 Laura believes in learning through play and child-led learning. Children lose their joy when forced to learn things they don't care about. She’d follow her child’s curiosities and interests while gently introducing essentials the child might need, honoring her child’s way of exploring the world 01:01:01 You don’t have to justify when someone asks why your child isn’t at school at 10 o’clock on a Wednesday morning when you’re doing homeschooling 01:09:58 Wrapping up the discussion

252: From ‘Be the Best’ Anxiety to Trusting Your Child’s Natural Learning

Sun, 10 Aug 2025 20:00:00 -0400

When Sara's four-year-old son started asking permission to use art supplies he'd always freely accessed before, she knew something had shifted. After a year in a (loving, high-quality!) preschool, her previously autonomous child was suddenly seeking approval for things that had never required it. Sara had never required this at home, and in fact it worried her because it didn't fit with her values to treat her son as a whole person. If this shift was happening so obviously at home, what other changes might be occurring that she couldn't see yet - changes that might not align with what mattered most to her family? Sara wished she could homeschool, but knew it wasn't in the cards. Seeing the shift in her son showed her that once her son started formal school, she was going to be the one who helped him to stay connected to learning that wasn't just based on rote memorization. But how would she do this, when she wasn't a teacher? In this conversation, Sara shares how she learned to step back from teaching and instead scaffold her son's innate curiosity about everything from astronauts to construction vehicles. As an architect and immigrant parent navigating cultural pressures around achievement, Sara's story reveals how supporting your child's interests rather than directing their learning can transform both your relationship and their confidence as a learner. Whether you're working full-time, in school, homeschooling, or simply wondering how to nurture your child's curiosity without taking over, Sara's practical examples show that interest-based learning doesn't have to add a lot of work to busy family life. It becomes an organic part of how you connect and explore the world together.

Questions this episode will answer

What does interest-based learning look like in real family life?
How can parents support learning without taking over their child's exploration?
What is scaffolding in education and how do you do it effectively?
How do you identify and follow your child's genuine interests?
What are learning explorations and how do they differ from traditional teaching?
How can working parents implement interest-led learning with limited time?
What role should documentation play in supporting children's learning?
How do you overcome perfectionism when supporting your child's education?
What does "following the child" mean in practice?
How can parents build their child's creative problem-solving skills?

What you'll learn in this episode

You'll discover practical strategies for supporting your child's innate curiosity without turning into the teacher. Sara shares specific examples of learning explorations around space and construction vehicles that show how to scaffold learning by asking questions instead of providing answers. You'll learn to recognize when your child is truly engaged versus when you've taken over their exploration. The episode reveals how small shifts in language - things like pausing and saying: "Hmmm…I wonder?" instead of immediately explaining - can transform everyday moments into meaningful learning opportunities. This simple shift transitions the responsibility for learning from you back to your child, and invites them to consider how their current question fits with what they already know. It also establishes a habit of what we do when we have questions: we don't simply jump to Google or ChatGPT; we first work to understand whether we might actually already have the answer (or something close to it) ourselves. This protects our kids against the stupidification that research warns us is happening now that we can turn to AI to answer our every question. Sara's journey from perfectionist parent (her parents' motto when she was a child: "Be The Best!") to confident learning supporter demonstrates how to observe your child's interests, provide just enough support without overwhelming them, and trust their inherent learning process. You'll understand why creative problem-solving and metacognition matter more than traditional academics for young children. The conversation addresses common concerns about balancing alternative learning approaches with mainstream schooling, handling cultural pressures around achievement, and fitting interest-led learning into busy working parent schedules.

FAQ

What is interest-based learning and how is it different from traditional teaching? Interest-based learning starts with your child's genuine curiosity rather than a predetermined curriculum. Instead of teaching facts, you support your child's exploration by asking questions, providing resources, and creating opportunities for discovery. Sara's space exploration example shows how this leads to deeper engagement than traditional instruction. How do you scaffold children's learning without taking over? Scaffolding means providing just enough support for your child to succeed independently. This includes asking "I wonder" questions, offering resources like books or field trips, and connecting them with experts, but always following their interest level. The key is stepping back when they're engaged and only stepping in when they need specific information to continue. What does "following the child" mean in practice? “Following the child” means observing what genuinely interests them through their play and questions, then providing opportunities to explore those interests more deeply. It's recognizing your child as a complete person with their own drive to learn, rather than someone who needs constant direction from adults. What are learning explorations and how do you start them? Learning explorations begin with your child's question or interest. Your role is to avoid giving immediate answers and instead ask follow-up questions or suggest ways to investigate together. The goal is the process of discovery, not reaching a specific conclusion or "correct" answer. How can working parents implement interest-led learning? Interest-led learning happens naturally in daily life during car rides, grocery shopping, or weekend activities. Once you understand your supportive role, it becomes effortless rather than an additional task. The key is shifting from teaching mode to curious companion mode in everyday interactions. Why is creative problem-solving more important than traditional academics? Creative problem-solving and metacognition (thinking about thinking) are foundational skills that support all other learning. When children develop these abilities through interest-led exploration, they become confident learners who can tackle any subject with curiosity and persistence. Most of what is taught in school is content, which is now easily accessible at the push of a button. How do you overcome perfectionism when supporting your child's learning? Begin by noticing where perfectionism came from in you: most likely in response to a reward (praise when you complied) or punishment (threatened or actual withdrawal of approval/love) for performance. Recognize that your child's learning process is naturally iterative. They observe patterns, theorize, and correct themselves over time. Trust their innate drive to understand the world. Focus on the exploration process rather than achieving perfect outcomes or answers. What is the main purpose of documentation in learning? Documentation captures your child's learning journey so they can revisit and build upon their discoveries over time. It also helps you to feel more confident as a learning partner, because you’ll see how your own ability to support your child grows over time. It's not about perfect record-keeping but creating a resource for your child to see their own thinking and growth patterns. How do you balance alternative learning with mainstream school expectations? You can support interest-led learning at home while your child attends traditional school. Focus on afternoons, evenings, and weekends as opportunities to follow their curiosity. It doesn’t have to take additional time: Sara’s son often uses the time in the car on their way to school to notice what’s happening in their town and make hypotheses about what’s happening. This approach helps build a more well-rounded approach to learning than the content-heavy focus children will follow in school. What if I don't know anything about my child's area of interest? Not knowing about the topic is actually an advantage because it removes the temptation to teach! You become a fellow explorer, helping them find resources and asking genuine questions. This creates a more engaging dynamic than having an ‘expert’ parent lecture about the subject.

Ready to Support Your Child's Learning Like Sara?

Sara's transformation from perfectionist parent to confident learning supporter didn't happen overnight. But it started with understanding how learning really works and her role in supporting it. If you're inspired by Sara's journey and want to develop the same confidence in supporting your child's natural curiosity, the Learning Membership gives you everything you need to get started. Inside the membership, you'll learn to:

Identify your child's genuine interests (not just the random ones they announce when you ask: “What do you want to learn about?”);
Scaffold their learning by asking the right questions instead of providing answers;
Turn everyday moments into meaningful learning explorations;
Document your child's discoveries without the overwhelm;
Build their creative problem-solving and critical thinking skills;
Support their learning even when they're in traditional school.

Sara found her compass for navigating cultural pressures and perfectionism through the membership's monthly coaching calls and supportive community. You'll get access to the same guidance, plus step-by-step modules that walk you through your first learning exploration. The best part? You don't need any special expertise. This approach actually works better when you explore alongside your child as a curious companion rather than trying to be their teacher. We'll get you notified when doors reopen! Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 02:04 Introduction of today’s episode 05:03 Sara experienced the pain of conditional worth, where love and acceptance seemed tied to being "the best," which created anxiety when that impossible standard couldn't be met, and now she wants to support Som by following his interests instead of imposing external measures of success 13:40 How has ‘perfectionism’ affected both Sara and her parenting approach with her son, Som? 19:10 Definition of learning exploration from Sara’s perspective 24:29 How was Sara before being a member of the Learning Membership? 28:10 Through the membership, we learn about how learning happens and how a child observes patterns, theorizes, and extrapolates based on those patterns, and applies what he's observed before to new things that he sees out in the world 40:10 Our kids have capabilities if we can learn to see them right and if we can learn to be that person who provides just a little bit of support 49:10 What piece of advice would Sara give to Sara a year ago?

251: Why Your 8-12 Year Old Should Start a Business (And How to Support Them Without Taking Over!)

Sun, 03 Aug 2025 20:00:00 -0400

What if the most powerful gift you could give your child isn't a college fund, but the skills to create their own income at age 10? When my daughter Carys started pet sitting, she didn't just earn money (although she does now have $759 in a retirement savings account that could become over $100,000 by the time she needs it).

She’s also developing initiative, follow-through, boundary setting, and client communication skills that many adults find difficult.

This episode reveals why ages 8-12 represent a unique window for developing real-world capabilities through meaningful work. You'll discover how kid businesses naturally teach the life skills parents spend years trying to instill through chores and consequences, from morning routines and organization to persistence with difficult tasks and clear communication about capacity and needs.

You’ll learn the practical details of supporting a young entrepreneur without taking over, addressing common concerns about safety, childhood, and academic pressure while showing how business skills actually enhance learning and development.

Questions this episode will answer:

What age should kids start a business and why? Ages 8-12 are ideal because kids can handle real responsibility but aren't overwhelmed by teenage social pressures, plus adults are more patient and supportive with young entrepreneurs.

What business skills can young kids actually develop? Taking initiative, following through on commitments, organization, client communication, boundary setting, persistence through challenges, financial planning, and so much more: all skills that develop through real work.

How do you support a kid's business without taking over? Be a "guide on the side" by asking questions instead of giving answers, stepping in only when they hit capacity limits, and letting them learn from manageable failures.

What types of businesses work best for kids this age? Service-based businesses with low startup costs that match kid strengths: think pet care, yard work, parent's helper babysitting, simple crafts, tech support for seniors, and tutoring younger kids.

Is starting a business safe for young children? Yes, with proper systems: initial parent involvement, communication protocols, schedule awareness, and safety equipment like walkie-talkies for new situations.

How is this different from traditional chores and allowance? Kid businesses create direct feedback loops between work quality and real consequences, plus children choose their involvement level rather than having tasks imposed on them.

What about their education and childhood play time? Business work typically takes less time than kids spend on screens, enhances academic learning through real-world application, and provides meaningful alternatives to entertainment that doesn’t require much thinking.

How do you handle the money management aspect? Open age-appropriate bank accounts, teach about how money can grow over the long term in retirement savings accounts. Discuss values-based spending, including charitable giving and long-term goals.

What you'll learn in this episode:

Why the 8-12 age range creates optimal conditions for developing business skills without academic or social pressure
How kid businesses naturally teach organization, time management, and systems thinking that parents struggle to instill through traditional methods
Practical examples of how young entrepreneurs develop emotional regulation, boundary setting, and clear communication about their capacity and needs
The "guide on the side" approach to supporting kids without taking over their learning process
Safety protocols and systems that protect young business owners while building real-world confidence
How to identify service-based business opportunities that match your child's interests and community needs
The compound effect of early financial literacy, including retirement savings strategies for kid entrepreneurs
Why neurodivergent children often thrive in business contexts where their differences become strengths rather than challenges
The answers to common parental concerns about childhood, safety, education, and an excessive focus on money
Real-world examples from a successful 10-year-old pet sitting business, including client interactions, problem-solving scenarios, and financial outcomes

Ready to help your child develop skills they’ll need in the future?

The Learning Membership helps you become the "guide on the side" who follows your child's true interests and supports them in developing the crucial capabilities they will need.

You'll learn to identify the theories your child is building about the world, connect them with resources to answer their own questions, and help them solve problems that have real meaning to real people, not just assignments designed to grade performance.

We'll get you notified when doors reopen! Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights 01:58 Introduction to today’s episode 06:33 When children take on entrepreneurial responsibilities early, they naturally develop the ability to manage their own school preparation and daily organization instead of relying on parents to remember everything for them 13:51 Reliability isn't some complex trait; it's simply the practice of consistently following through on commitments, and children learn this best when they face real but age-appropriate consequences for their choices 19:45 What kinds of businesses actually work for kids aged 8-12 years old? 25:01 The need to save for retirement reflects a broken system where community care has been replaced by individual financial responsibility, but teaching children some skills gives them the option to choose meaningful work over desperate survival while contributing to rebuilding more caring communities 33:45 Common concerns or issues parents express when they learn about a 10-year-old running their own business 50:10 If the idea of starting a business sounds interesting to you, where do you begin? 54:02 An open invitation for Mind Your Business: For Kids 54:52 Wrapping up

Episode Summary 02: The Anxious Generation: What Parents Need to Know

Sun, 27 Jul 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Are you worried that social media is destroying your teen's mental health? You're not alone. Jonathan Haidt's bestselling book The Anxious Generation has parents everywhere wondering if smartphones are rewiring their kids' brains and creating a mental health crisis. But before you rush to ban your teen's phone, you need to hear what the research actually shows. This summary episode brings together all the key insights from our 4-part series examining The Anxious Generation. We take a deep dive into the data behind the teen mental health crisis claims, giving you the essential findings in one convenient episode. You'll discover why those alarming statistics might not mean what you think they do, and why the correlation between social media use and teen depression is actually smaller than the correlation between eating potatoes and teen wellbeing. We'll explore what really drives teen mental health struggles, from family relationships to academic pressure, and why control-based approaches like phone bans often backfire, pushing our kids further away when they need us most.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is there really a teen mental health crisis caused by social media? The dramatic statistics may reflect better screening and diagnosis rather than new cases caused by technology. Does social media actually cause teen depression and anxiety? Research shows the correlation is smaller than that between eating potatoes and teen wellbeing, explaining less than 1% of variance. Should parents ban phones at school to help kids focus? Academic declines are tiny and international data doesn't support the phone-blame theory. Will banning my teen's phone at home solve their mental health problems? Control-based approaches often backfire and damage the parent-child relationship. What affects teen mental health more than social media? Family relationships, academic pressure, sleep, economic stress, and school environment have much bigger impacts. How can I help my teen with technology without taking it away? Focus on connection, listen more, work together on limits, and address bigger stressors. Why do teens turn to their phones so much? Phones provide autonomy, connection, and relevance that teens often don't find elsewhere. What do teens who self-harm actually say about social media? Many feel frustrated by attempts to blame social media and see the narrative as wrong and unhelpful. How can I create healthy technology habits without damaging trust? Include your teen in creating rules, focus on relationship building, and address underlying needs. What should I do if I'm worried about my teen's phone use? Look at the whole picture, build connections through listening, and work together on solutions.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why the "hockey stick" graphs showing teen mental health decline might be misleading, and what factors like better screening and diagnostic changes actually explain
The surprising truth about social media research - including why studies showing harm have major flaws and why effect sizes are incredibly small
What the international data really shows about teen mental health across countries with similar smartphone adoption rates
Why family relationships, not screen time, are the strongest predictor of teen wellbeing according to emergency room data
How control-based approaches like phone bans create sneaking, secrecy, and damaged trust instead of healthier habits
The real reasons teens turn to phones - and how to address underlying needs for autonomy, connection, and relevance
Evidence-based strategies for supporting teen mental health that focus on connection over control
Why different communities experience teen distress differently, and how this affects our understanding of social media's impact
How to have technology conversations with your teen that build trust rather than create power struggles
Practical approaches for creating compelling offline experiences and supporting your teen's individual needs

Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

Resources

The Anxious Generation Resources Jump to highlights 00:00 Teaser of today’s episode 02:52 There's a widespread misconception about the teen mental health crisis. People often misunderstand both the root causes and the appropriate responses. Essentially, there's a real problem, but we're looking in the wrong places for causes and solutions 05:08 What’s been covered in the previous episodes of The Anxious Generation Review series 09:06 Social media's mental health impact is small for most teens compared to family relationships, sleep, economics, and academics, though it can harm vulnerable teens while helping marginalized youth find community 12:36 Strategies that can help you support your child 14:44 Wrapping up the series about The Anxious Generation review 16:22 An open invitation to The Anxious Generation resources and scripts to help you talk with your kids about screen time in age-appropriate ways References Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf

Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/

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Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don’t work—So why are they still around?https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/

Concordia University. (n.d.). A brief history of women in sports. https://kinesiology.csp.edu/sports-coaches-and-trainers/a-brief-history-of-women-in-sports/

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people’s perceptions of their parents’ expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347

Durlak, J. A., & Wells, A. M. (1997). Primary prevention mental health programs for children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review [Archived document]. Indiana University. https://web.archive.org/web/20140824031650/http:/www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/ztze.pdf

Eschner, K. (2017, August 26). The rise of the modern sportswoman. Smithsonian Magazine. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Evolve’s Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/

Evolve’s Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they’re on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A. (2019, January 25). The uninsured and the ACA: A primer – Key facts about health insurance and the uninsured amidst changes to the Affordable Care Act. KFF. https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-many-people-are-uninsured/

Girls Leadership. (2023). Make space for girls: Research draft. https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/6398afa2ae5518732f04f791/63f60a5a2a28c570b35ce1b5_Make%20Space%20for%20Girls%20-%20Research%20Draft.pdf

Gray, P. (2024, May 20). #63. More on moral panics and thoughts about when to ban smartphones. Peter Gray’s Play Makes Us Human. https://petergray.substack.com/p/63-more-on-moral-panics-and-thoughts?utm_source=publication-search

Gulbas, L. E., & Zayas, L. H. (2015). Examining the interplay among family, culture, and Latina teen suicidal behavior. Qualitative Health Research, 25(5), 689-699. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732314553598

Haas, A. P., Rodgers, P. L., & Herman, J. L. (2014, January). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Trans-GNC-Suicide-Attempts-Jan-2014.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Haidt, J., Rausch, Z., & Twenge, J. (ongoing). Social media and mental health: A collaborative review. Unpublished manuscript, New York University. Accessed at tinyurl.com/SocialMediaMentalHealthReview

Hunt, M., Auriemma, J., & Cashaw, A. C. A. (2003). Self-report bias and underreporting of depression on the BDI-II. Journal of Personality Assessment, 80(1), 26-30. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327752JPA8001_10

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

KFF. (2024). A look at state efforts to ban cellphones in schools and implications for youth mental health. https://www.kff.org/mental-health/issue-brief/a-look-at-state-efforts-to-ban-cellphones-in-schools-and-implications-for-youth-mental-health/

Lilienfeld, S. O., & Arkowitz, H. (2014, January 1). Why “just say no” doesn’t work. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-just-say-no-doesnt-work/

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mims, C. (2024, March 29). Jonathan Haidt thinks smartphones destroyed a generation. Is he right? The Wall Street Journal. https://www.wsj.com/tech/personal-tech/jonathan-haidt-anxious-generation-book-smartphones-676bcadb

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Knopf Canada.https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Programme for International Student Assessment. (2024, May). Managing screen time: How to protect and equip students against distraction. OECD. https://www.oecd.org/content/dam/oecd/en/publications/reports/2024/05/managing-screen-time_023f2390/7c225af4-en.pdf

Rosin, H. (2015, December). The Silicon Valley suicides: Why are so many kids with bright prospects killing themselves in Palo Alto? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

Sarginson, J., Webb, R. T., Stocks, S. J., Esmail, A., Garg, S., & Ashcroft, D. M. (2017). Temporal trends in antidepressant prescribing to children in UK primary care, 2000–2015. Journal of Affective Disorders, 210, 312-318. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.12.047

Scottish Government. (2024, March 18). Supporting development of a self-harm strategy for Scotland, what does the qualitative evidence tell us? Gov.scot. https://www.gov.scot/publications/supporting-development-self-harm-strategy-scotland-qualitative-evidence-tell/

Smithsonian Institution. (1988, December). Arts to zoos: Child labor. Smithsonian Education. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Stevenson, B., & Wolfers, J. (2009). The paradox of declining female happiness [Working paper]. Social Science Research Network. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1408690

Thomas, J. F., Temple, J. R., Perez, N., & Rupp, R. (2011). Ethnic and gender disparities in needed adolescent mental health care. Journal of Health Care for the Poor and Underserved, 22(1), 101-110. https://doi.org/10.1353/hpu.2011.0029

Townsend, E., Ness, J., Waters, K., Rehman, M., Kapur, N., Clements, C., Geulayov, G., Bale, E., Casey, D., & Hawton, K. (2022). Life...

250: The Anxious Generation Review (Part 4): Should we ban cell phones at home?

Sun, 20 Jul 2025 20:00:00 -0400

In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen 'mental health crisis.' In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called 'teen mental health crisis. In Part 3, we began looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids - starting with school cell phone bans. If you've read The Anxious Generation or heard about Dr. Jean Twenge's forthcoming book 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, you might be wondering whether it's time to implement strict family phone rules and teenage social media limits in your home. These digital parenting experts promise clear solutions: you're in charge, no phones in bedrooms, no social media until 16. But what happens when these teenage phone rules meet the reality of family life? In this final episode of our Anxious Generation series, we explore why traditional approaches to limit social media time often backfire spectacularly - and what effective digital parenting looks like instead. You'll discover why rigid teenage mobile phone rules can actually push kids further away from you, how punishment-based approaches to social media teens mirror the failed DARE program, and why the child who follows rules perfectly at home might be the one taking bigger risks when they're finally on their own. We'll also share practical, relationship-based alternatives that help you address real concerns about teenage social media use while building trust and connection with your child.

Questions this episode will answer

How do you set social media limits with your teen? Focus on collaborative conversations about how technology affects them, rather than imposing rigid teenage social media limits without their input. Should social media be limited for teens? Blanket restrictions often backfire; effective digital parenting involves understanding individual needs and working together on healthy boundaries. How to limit cellphone use for teenager without damaging trust? Use connection-first approaches that explore their experiences rather than immediately jumping to restrictive family phone rules. How much time should a teenager spend on their phone? The answer varies by individual; focus on how social media affects your teen rather than arbitrary time limits. How to stop teenage phone addiction using collaborative methods? Address underlying needs that drive excessive use while maintaining open dialogue about concerning content and working together on solutions. Why is it important for parents to guide children on the internet? Teens internet safety requires ongoing conversation and support, not just restrictions, to help them navigate digital challenges independently. Should parents have control over their child's social media? Effective parenting social media approaches balance safety concerns with respecting teens' growing autonomy and need for peer connection.

What you'll learn in this episode

Why traditional family phone rules and "you're in charge" digital parenting approaches often strengthen the very behaviors you're trying to eliminate
The hidden parallels between attempts to limit social media usage and failed drug prevention programs like DARE - and what this means for your family
How to recognize when your teen's social media use is a coping mechanism for other struggles, and what to address instead of just restricting time
Practical strategies for creating meaningful offline experiences that genuinely compete with digital entertainment, addressing core questions about how much time should a teenager spend on their phone
Real conversation scripts for discussing teenage social media use with tweens, teens, neurodivergent children, and kids who may be experiencing social media-related harm
Why some children need social media access for mental health support, and how to balance teens internet safety with connection to vital communities
Evidence-based approaches to parenting social media that build trust while addressing legitimate safety concerns about teenage social media use

Here are the scripts for discussing screen use with teens: Script for Neurotypical Teen Not at Risk Script for Neurotypical TWEEN Not at Risk Script for Neurodivergent Teen Script for Teen at Risk

Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link) Jump to highlights 00:00 Teaser on what today’s episode is all about 03:21 10 Concrete rules on how to manage kids and the technology that surrounds them, according to Dr. Jean Twenge upcoming book on September 2nd 10:10 Our kids learn to hide their mistakes and struggles rather than coming to us for help when they need it most because they are afraid that what they are doing is wrong, and as parents, we may punish them 13:07 When kids spend time on screens, they aren’t just moving towards screens, they are also moving away from something, which is us, the parents 22:30 An open invitation for the scripts that are included in The Anxious Generation review (part 4) 28:21 Wrapping up the discussion 31:37 Key ideas from this set of episodes References College Drinking Prevention. (n.d.). Prevalence. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statistics/prevalence

Lilienfeld, S. O., & Arkowitz, H. (2014, January 1). Why "just say no" doesn't work. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-just-say-no-doesnt-work/

Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don't work—So why are they still around? https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/

Smithsonian Institution. (1988, December). Arts to zoos: Child labor. Smithsonian Education. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Eschner, K. (2017, August 26). The rise of the modern sportswoman. Smithsonian Magazine. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Concordia University. (n.d.). A brief history of women in sports. https://kinesiology.csp.edu/sports-coaches-and-trainers/a-brief-history-of-women-in-sports/

Stevenson, B., & Wolfers, J. (2009). The paradox of declining female happiness [Working paper]. Social Science Research Network. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1408690

Gray, P. (2024, May 20). #63. More on moral panics and thoughts about when to ban smartphones. Peter Gray's Play Makes Us Human. https://petergray.substack.com/p/63-more-on-moral-panics-and-thoughts?utm_source=publication-search

Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Knopf Canada.https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

Van Ausdale, D., & Feagin, J. R. (2001). The first R: How children learn race and racism. Rowman & Littlefield.https://www.amazon.com/First-Children-Learn-Race-Racism/dp/0847688623

249: The Anxious Generation Review (Part 3): Should we ban cell phones in school?

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 20:00:00 -0400

This is the third in our series of episodes on Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation. In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen 'mental health crisis.' In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called 'teen mental health crisis. In this episode, we begin looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids - starting with school cell phone bans. Phone bans are spreading like wildfire across America, with 21 states either studying or already enforcing restrictions, up from none just a few years ago. But before you advocate for - or against - a ban at your child's school, you need to hear what the research actually reveals. This episode examines real studies from Denmark, England, and Hungary, plus the eye-opening results from schools using those tamper-proof Yonder pouches that promise to solve everything. You'll discover why the "golden age" of unsupervised childhood play that experts want us to return to wasn't actually golden for most kids. More importantly, you'll learn what's really driving students to their phones: unmet needs for choice, agency, and genuine connection. Through a fascinating deep-dive into one teacher's blog post about his school's phone ban, you'll see how current approaches may be missing the point entirely, and what students themselves say would actually help them engage more in school. Which states are banning cell phones in schools? 21 states are currently studying or have already enforced cell phone bans, including Florida, Louisiana, Virginia, Indiana, Oklahoma, North Dakota, and New York. Are cell phone bans in schools effective for improving academic performance? Research shows mixed results with only tiny improvements on test scores, and most studies don't control for other factors that could explain the changes. Does banning phones in school improve students' mental health? Studies from multiple countries found no significant improvements in student anxiety, depression, or overall wellbeing from cell phone restrictions. Are cell phone bans in schools a good idea? The evidence suggests that school cell phone bans address symptoms rather than root causes - students turn to phones because their needs for autonomy and connection aren't being met. What happens when schools try to enforce cell phones being banned in schools? Students find creative workarounds: stabbing through security pouches, buying unlock magnets, bringing decoy phones, and creating underground phone-sharing economies. Why do students want their phones during school hours? Research shows students use phones to meet basic psychological needs for choice, agency, and genuine connection that traditional classrooms often fail to provide.

What you'll learn in this episode

The real data on school cell phone ban effectiveness - examining studies from Denmark, England, Hungary, and the U.S. that reveal surprising results about academic and mental health outcomes
Which states are leading the cell phone ban movement - a breakdown of the 21 states implementing or studying restrictions, from Florida's pioneering ban to New York's upcoming policies
Why current approaches to cell phones being banned in schools may backfire - discover how students circumvent Yondr pouches and other enforcement methods, and what this reveals about their underlying needs
The hidden problems with returning to "phone-free" childhood - learn why the idealized past of unsupervised play wasn't accessible to all children, especially girls and marginalized communities
What students actually need to engage in school - research-backed insights into the real factors that improve student wellbeing and academic performance beyond device restrictions
A better approach than outright bans - explore how involving students in creating technology agreements can build trust and address root causes rather than just symptoms

Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link) Jump to highlights 00:00 Teaser of today’s episode 07:25 There’s a Smithsonian Museum lesson plan that points out many people saw child labor as desirable after the Civil War. It was a way for poverty-stricken youngsters to support their families 09:01 In the 1930s, concerns about women's health led universities to drop athletic programs for females. During the outdoor play, boys spent more time outside than girls. This gender gap persists today, with girls reporting that parks feel unwelcoming. Unsupervised play often reinforces harmful cultural norms 14:26 Banning phones in school is a good thing, according to Dr. Haidt. But what did the research say? 19:51 Looking at international test scores from 2010-2019, there's no clear pattern linking higher cell phone use to declining academic performance. Countries with high phone penetration showed varied results, with some improving, others declining, and many remaining flat. Haidt oversimplifies by attributing test score changes solely to phone use, ignoring multiple contributing factors. 23:43 A cross-sectional study compared 30 English secondary schools with restrictive phone policies, meaning phones weren't allowed for recreational use, and permissive policies, meaning phones were allowed for recreational use at certain times and places 27:50 According to Gilbert Schuerch’s Fit to Teach Substack, students were using their devices for 8-17 hours each day on weekends. Basic restrictions didn't work. The approach that succeeded involved taking phones entirely and imposing serious penalties, which resulted in better classroom focus and less bullying 34:35 The needs students were trying to meet through their phones were the internal motivation, trust, and true connections 41:46 When your child comes across something they don't want to do that happens in service of a goal they very much want, they will do it 44:45 Wrapping up References Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A. (2019, January 25). The uninsured and the ACA: A primer - Key facts about health insurance and the uninsured amidst changes to the Affordable Care Act. KFF. https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-many-people-are-uninsured/

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

Townsend, E., Ness, J., Waters, K., Rehman, M., Kapur, N., Clements, C., Geulayov, G., Bale, E., Casey, D., & Hawton, K. (2022). Life problems in children and adolescents who self‐harm: Findings from the multicenter study of self‐harm in England. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(4), 352-360. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12544

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Minority Health. (n.d.). Mental and behavioral health - American Indians/Alaska Natives. https://minorityhealth.hhs.gov/mental-and-behavioral-health-american-indiansalaska-natives

Wong, Y. J., Wang, L., Li, S., & Liu, H. (2017). Circumstances preceding the suicide of Asian Pacific Islander Americans and White Americans. Death Studies, 41(5), 311-317. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2016.1275888

Zulyniak, S., Wiens, K., Bulloch, A. G. M., Williams, J. V. A., Lukmanji, A., Dores, A. K., Isherwood, L. J., & Patten, S. B. (2021). Increasing rates of youth and adolescent suicide in Canadian women. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(1), 67-69. https://doi.org/10.1177/07067437211017875

248: The Anxious Generation Review (Part 2): Does Social Media Actually Cause Kids’ Depression and Anxiety?

Sun, 06 Jul 2025 20:00:00 -0400

In Part 1 of this mini-series looking at Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation, we discovered that the teen mental health crisis might not be as dramatic as The Anxious Generation claims - and that changes in diagnosis and coding could be inflating the numbers. But even if we accept that teens' struggles have increased somewhat, the next crucial question is: what's actually causing the change?

Jonathan Haidt is adamant that social media causes depression and anxiety in teenagers. He claims that "dozens of experiments" prove social media use is a CAUSE, not just a correlate, of mental health problems. But when you dig into the studies, as we do in this episode, we'll see that the 'causal' data is nowhere near as strong as Haidt claims.

We'll examine the experimental evidence behind social media and teen mental health claims, reveal why leading researchers compare social media effects on teens to eating potatoes, and uncover what factors actually explain 99% of youth mental health outcomes. Because if we're going to spend time and energy helping our kids, we want to make sure we're spending it doing things that will actually help.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Does social media really cause teen depression and anxiety? Research shows correlation, not proven causation, with social media effects on teens explaining less than 1% of wellbeing, similar to the effect of eating potatoes. (Some researchers argue that this is still important enough to pay attention to - the episode explores why.)

Why do I keep hearing that social media is harmful if the research is weak? Many (but not all) social media studies find some evidence of harm, but when you look at the methodology this isn't surprising - researchers do things like sending participants daily reminders that "limiting social media is good for you," and then asking them how much social media they've consumed and how they feel. It's hard to draw strong conclusions from this data!

How can different studies on social media show opposite results? Researchers studying teen social media use can get completely different results from the same data depending on how they choose to analyze it. The episode looks at those choices and what they mean for understanding whether social media causes kids' depression and anxiety.

Is limiting my teen's social media use actually going to help them? Current evidence suggests that some kids who use social media a lot are vulnerable to experiencing depression and anxiety, and limiting their use specifically may be protective. There is little evidence to support the idea that blanket bans on kids' social media/smart phone usage will result in dramatic improvements in youth mental health, and focusing on issues that are more clearly connected to mental health would likely have a greater positive impact.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

How most social media research creates results that don't tell us what we want to know (but then reports the results as if they do)
How the same teen mental health data can be analyzed to support opposite conclusions about social media effects on teens
What family relationships, academic pressure, and economic stress reveal about the real drivers of youth mental health issues
How social media and teen mental health correlations explain the same amount of variance as seemingly irrelevant factors like potato consumption
How researcher bias and study design flaws make social media studies less reliable than parents think
What happens when kids who benefit from social media lose access to it
Why the focus on teen social media use might distract from addressing bigger factors affecting your child's wellbeing
How to evaluate social media research claims critically when making decisions about your family's technology use
What the ongoing debate between leading researchers reveals about the uncertainty in digital wellness science
Why blanket solutions like social media bans might miss the complex realities of teen mental health challenges

Dr. Jonathan Haidt's Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

Jump to highlights

00:45 Introduction of today’s episode

01:40 Haidt explains that after reviewing many research studies with his colleagues Jean Twenge and Zach Rausch, social media doesn't just happen to show up alongside mental health problems in teens - it's actually creating them. The research shows that social media use leads to increased anxiety and depression, rather than simply being something that anxious and depressed teens tend to use more often

05:28 According to Dr. Gray, despite potential placebo effects boosting results, researchers found mostly no significant improvements in well-being from reducing social media use, only small effects on loneliness and depression that could easily be explained by chance

12:20 Dr. Amy Orben's Specification Curve Analysis is a sophisticated attempt to show how research choices affect outcomes

15:12 A study by Schwartz found that both the group that quit Instagram AND the control group that kept using it normally BOTH improved on measures of depression and self-esteem, which the researchers admitted might just be because being in a study about social media usage made people more aware of their usage

26:54 Dr. Twenge's studies of over 100,000 teens found heavy social media users were twice as likely to report depression, low well-being, and suicide risk, especially girls

31:42 Dr. Orben uses a technique called Specification Curve Analysis, which is a way to evaluate how the choices a researcher makes affect the study outcomes

34:35 Some of the factors that are bigger contributors than screen time usage

42:53 Dr. Orben describes repeating technology panics: radio, comics, TV, video games, now social media. Research lags behind fears, creating cycles where society panics about new tech before understanding previous ones

50:19 People tend to agree with yes/no questions regardless of content, even contradictory statements. Question-wording heavily influences responses, inflating correlations due to response style rather than genuine opinions

54:00 Wrapping up

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

247: The Anxious Generation Review (Part 1): Is There Really a Mental Health Crisis in the U.S.?

Sun, 29 Jun 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Are we really facing an unprecedented mental health crisis in America, or have we been misreading the data? As parents everywhere grapple with The Anxious Generation's claims that smartphones are rewiring our children's brains, this episode takes a closer look at what the research actually shows about youth mental health trends. If you've read the book, you've seen those alarming hockey-stick graphs showing dramatic increases in teen depression and anxiety in teenagers. But what if those "surges" aren't quite what they seem? What if changes in how we diagnose and track mental health conditions are inflating the crisis? And what happens when a community with everything that should protect kids - tight social bonds, involved parents, shared values - still experiences devastating teen suicide rates? This deep-dive analysis examines the evidence behind Gen Z mental health claims, investigates whether youth depression statistics show the dramatic surge described in The Anxious Generation, and asks the crucial question: are we fighting the right battle when it comes to protecting our children's wellbeing?

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is there really a mental health crisis in America? While youth mental health challenges are real, the "crisis" narrative may be overblown due to changes in diagnostic practices and data collection methods since 2010. When did the mental health crisis start according to The Anxious Generation? Haidt claims the crisis began between 2010-2015 with smartphone adoption, but the data shows more complex patterns that predate this timeline. What are the signs of youth depression and anxiety that parents should watch for? The episode explores how reported signs of youth depression and anxiety have increased, but examines whether this reflects actual increases or better identification and reporting. We look at the classic signs of depression and anxiety in teens, as well as what to look for in teens who might 'seem fine.' How many teens have mental health issues compared to previous generations? Teen mental health statistics show increases, but when examined closely, many changes are smaller than dramatic graphs suggest. What causes anxiety in teenagers beyond social media? Research shows that other factors may explain larger portions of youth mental health struggles than screen time.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

How changes in diagnostic criteria and healthcare access may have inflated mental health crisis statistics since 2015
Why teen suicide rates show different patterns than depression rates, and what this means for understanding youth struggles
The real story behind those alarming youth depression statistics and why context matters when interpreting data
How academic pressure in high-achieving communities can drive teen mental health problems even without social media
Why focusing solely on anxiety in teenagers related to screens might miss bigger factors affecting Gen Z mental health
What signs of youth depression actually tell us about the scope and causes of teen mental health challenges
How different communities experience and conceptualize mental health struggles in ways that challenge universal assumptions
Why the timeline of the supposed mental health crisis in the U.S. and elsewhere doesn't align with smartphone adoption as clearly as The Anxious Generation claims

Dr. Jonathan Haidt's Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link) Jump to highlights 00:53 Introduction of today’s episode 01:18 What is The Anxious Generation all about? 08:33 Is there really a mental health crisis among kids? 13:30 Male teen suicide rate in the US look like a sine wave. They peaked in about 1990 and then dropped and are more recently rising again to their 1990 levels 15:38 The determination of depression is done through people reporting their symptoms on a survey, not by therapists or doctors 19:55 There was a really huge change in our support for depression over the years. In 46 million people, almost 18 % of the US population didn’t have health insurance according to 2010 26:00 In one of Haidt’s google docs, he observed the two big jumps in suicides of 10 to14 year-old females in the US, from 66-88 in 2009 and from 85-141 in 2005 27:38 The National Transgender Discrimination survey in the US found that 38% of those assigned male at birth reported a lifetime suicide attempt, and that rate was 44% for those assigned female at birth and identifying as trans 33:18 Latinx Americans with a suicide history were less likely to experience feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, and meaninglessness compared to other groups. They often viewed suicide as a way to escape suffering caused by social factors like discrimination, abuse, poverty, and low social status. Research also shows that immigration-related stress and socioeconomic challenges increase suicide risk in this community 42:27 Scientists with the Centers for Disease Control surveyed Palo Alto residents for an epidemiological report and found that residents believed depression and mental health issues academic distress or pressure, disconnection and social isolation, family and cultural pressure and life challenges were the biggest contributors to youth suicide in the town 46:00 I wonder if focusing primarily on teaching children problem-solving, coping skills, and resilience might inadvertently place the responsibility on kids to adapt to overwhelming expectations, rather than prompting us to examine whether our cultural values and systems are truly supporting their well-being 49:52 Some key indicators to look out for when you feel worried that your child may be experiencing depression or anxiety 55:44 Wrapping up the part one of our mini-series on The Anxious Generation References Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

246: My Parenting Feels Off Track: Reparenting Helps You Find Your Way Back

Sun, 25 May 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Do you ever feel like your parenting is completely off track from where you want it to be? You promise yourself you won't yell, then find yourself yelling at your kids before breakfast. You intend to be patient and present, but end up getting distracted by your phone, or snapping at your child. This disconnect between your parenting intentions and reality can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, and afraid that you're passing on intergenerational trauma despite your best efforts. In this episode, we reveal the origins of our harsh inner critic and how cultural expectations set parents up for struggle. You'll discover practical reparenting techniques, step-by-step self-compassion exercises, and how recognizing your emotional triggers can transform your parenting journey. This isn't about perfect parenting - it's about healing your own childhood wounds through a process called reparenting, so you can break intergenerational patterns and build the connection with your child you've always wanted.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

How can I identify and manage my emotional triggers in parenting? Emotional triggers often originate from unhealed childhood experiences. Notice when you have outsized reactions to your child's behavior—these point to areas needing healing. The episode offers a self-compassion exercise to help you treat yourself with the same kindness that you treat others. Creating space between trigger and reaction allows you to respond intentionally rather than reactively. How does my inner critic affect my ability to parent effectively? Your inner critic—which is often a voice of your parent/caregiver—triggers shame spirals that make it harder to parent effectively. It damages your relationship with yourself and teaches your children to develop their own harsh inner critics. Through reparenting, you can recognize this voice isn't truly yours, but one you absorbed from your environment. Learning to quiet this voice creates space for authentic connection with your child and breaks intergenerational trauma patterns. What is reparenting and how can it help my relationship with my child? Reparenting is giving yourself what your parents couldn't provide during your childhood. It involves a five-step process: becoming aware of your patterns, accepting them without judgment, validating your childhood experiences, reframing your beliefs, and taking action to reinforce new patterns. When you heal your own emotional wounds through reparenting, you become more capable of meeting your child's needs without being triggered. How do I break intergenerational trauma patterns in my parenting? Breaking intergenerational trauma starts with awareness of the patterns you inherited. Practice self-compassion exercises when triggered rather than self-criticism. Use the reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds. Find supportive community to help you recognize when old patterns emerge. Each time you respond differently to your child than your parents did to you, you're disrupting the cycle of intergenerational trauma. Can self-compassion exercises really help when I'm triggered with my kids? Yes, self-compassion exercises are powerful tools for managing parenting triggers. Dr. Susan Pollak's three-step self-compassion exercise can create the mental space needed to respond differently: acknowledge the difficulty ("This is hard"), remember your common humanity ("Other parents struggle with this too"), and offer yourself kindness ("What do I need right now?"). Regular practice builds your capacity to access self-compassion even in intense trigger moments.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

How to identify your emotional triggers in parenting and their connection to intergenerational trauma
A practical three-step self-compassion exercise for managing triggered moments with your children
The complete five-step reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds
How schema therapy concepts explain the origins of your parenting triggers
Why intergenerational trauma persists and specific practices to break the cycle
Step-by-step self-compassion exercises you can practice daily to build emotional resilience
How traditional parenting tools can unintentionally continue the cycle of intergenerational trauma
Practical reparenting techniques to meet both your needs and your child's needs simultaneously

FAQs

How do I know if I'm dealing with intergenerational trauma in my parenting? Signs of intergenerational trauma in parenting include having intense emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation, finding yourself saying things your parents said to you despite promising yourself you wouldn't, or noticing patterns of behavior that resemble how you were parented. The good news is awareness is the first step in breaking these patterns, and reparenting techniques can help you heal. What's the difference between reparenting and regular parenting skills? Reparenting focuses on healing your own childhood wounds by meeting needs that weren't met when you were young. Traditional parenting tools focus primarily on changing your child's behavior. Reparenting addresses the root causes of your emotional triggers, allowing you to show up more authentically with your child. How do I practice self-compassion when I think I've failed as a parent? Start with a simple self-compassion exercise: put your hand on your heart, acknowledge the pain ("This feels really hard right now"), remember you're not alone ("Many parents struggle with this"), and offer yourself kindness ("I'm doing my best in a difficult situation"). Regular practice of self-compassion exercises builds your capacity to extend compassion to yourself even in moments of perceived failure. Can I really change deep emotional triggers if they're connected to childhood trauma? Yes, you can change your response to emotional triggers through consistent reparenting practice and self-compassion. The five-step reparenting process helps you recognize triggers, understand their origins in your own childhood, and develop new responses. This work takes time and often benefits from community support, but thousands of parents have successfully reduced their triggering and broken intergenerational trauma patterns. How do I start reparenting myself if I don't even know what I needed as a child? Begin by noticing when you're triggered with your child—these moments often reveal exactly what you needed and didn't receive. Pay attention to your emotional reactions and physical sensations when parenting feels hard. Try this self-compassion exercise: when triggered, ask yourself, "What did I need in similar situations as a child?" Then imagine giving that very thing to your younger self. Community support can also help you identify unmet childhood needs that may not be immediately obvious to you. If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership. Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.” The The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 00:54 Introduction of today’s episode 04:25 These difficult moments don't define you as a parent or prove you're doing something wrong. Parents everywhere, regardless of background, culture, or family structure, experience this same disconnect between who they want to be and how they actually respond when things get challenging 05:18 Self-compassion can actually create some breathing room that we parent desperately need rather that continuing the pattern with shame and self-criticism. Self-compassion allows us to hold our struggles with kindness and self-compassion isn't just something to make us feel better about ourselves. We can actually think of it as a circuit breaker for our brain that allows us to respond differently next time 13:53 When your self-critical voice takes over and tells you to shape your child's behavior, you risk losing your connection with them. That's why things seem like they're off track, because if they were on track, you would feel close to each other 15:40 Three-step process that Dr. Pollak uses to access some self-compassion in difficult moments 17:48 The deepest human need that we all share is to be truly seen and accepted for who we are, not for our achievements or for our good behavior, but for our whole authentic selves 22:39 One of the most powerful discoveries Jen have made in her parenting journey is that raising children gives us a huge opportunity to heal ourselves 23:46 Five main categories of schemas that affect how we see ourselves and others 26:40 Five-step process that we can use, that is drawn from schema therapy. 32:53 What Jenny experienced in the ACTion group and how it changes her parenting strategies 35:40 What advice would Elyse offer for a parent who has joined the membership and who hasn’t sure how to engage with all the resources available 38:07 Stephanie’s experiences in the ACTion group 41:20 An open invitation for Parenting Membership 42:58 Wrapping up the discussion

RE-RELEASE: Finding Your Parenting Village: How Community Support Changes Everything at Home

Sun, 18 May 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that joining a parenting support group can change everything at home. Parenting wasn't meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children's big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting support group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a supportive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could. Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you'll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting support group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

How can I find a parenting support group when I don't have family nearby? Distance from extended family doesn't mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting support groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You'll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting support groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional support, and accountability. How do I find a parenting support group with members who won't judge me? Finding non-judgmental parenting support begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting support groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly - even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted - without fear of judgment. Can a parenting support group really help with my child's emotional outbursts? Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through supportive parenting groups, children's emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting support group. How do I balance everyone's needs when family challenges leave me exhausted? Meeting everyone's needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting support group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children's and partner's needs. Can a parenting support group help with partner communication challenges? Absolutely. You'll hear how a parenting support group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn't want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs. What's more valuable for addressing family challenges - parenting courses or a parenting support group? While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You'll hear how structured parenting support groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group
How parenting support groups transform sleep challenges through accountability and permission for self-care
The power of techniques learned in parenting support groups to dramatically reduce children's emotional outbursts
Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges
Why vulnerability in parenting support groups creates stronger families
How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges
What happens when parenting support group members invest in each other's success rather than competing
The surprising ways parenting support groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges
Why small, intentional parenting support groups create deeper change than large forums
How to recognize when you need support for family challenges and actually receive it effectively

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a parenting support group and why do I need one for family challenges? A parenting support group is a community of other parents who provide emotional support, practical advice, and accountability for addressing family challenges. Unlike most online parenting forums, an intentional parenting support group helps you implement tools consistently, validates your struggles with family challenges, and creates space for growth. Research shows parents with strong parenting support networks experience less stress and make more consistent decisions when facing family challenges. How can parenting support groups help with sleep deprivation challenges? Parenting support groups provide accountability, permission for self-care, and practical tools for sleep challenges. When you share your sleep-related family challenges with supportive parents, you're more likely to prioritize your rest needs, implement consistent routines, and identify strategies that work for your family's specific situation. How do I find the right parenting support group for my specific family challenges? Finding the right parenting support group involves looking for communities aligned with your values, moderated by experienced facilitators, and structured for meaningful connection. Seek parenting support groups where members share family challenges openly without judgment, offer experience-based support rather than just advice, and create consistent opportunities for deeper connection. Can parenting support groups really improve relationship challenges with my partner? Yes, quality parenting support groups can transform partner relationships by identifying communication patterns, providing tools for expressing needs clearly, and creating frameworks for resolving parenting disagreements and family challenges. What makes small parenting support groups more effective than large online forums for family challenges? Small parenting support groups create psychological safety through consistent membership, deeper relationships, and personalized support for family challenges. Unlike large forums where advice comes from strangers, small parenting support groups allow members to understand each family's unique context, provide relevant suggestions for specific family challenges, and offer accountability over time, leading to more sustained positive changes. Can parenting support groups help with the unique family challenges of raising a child with special needs? Specialized parenting support groups are particularly valuable for parents facing the family challenges of raising children with special needs or unique situations. These parenting support groups connect you with others confronting similar family challenges, provide specialized knowledge beyond general parenting advice, and offer understanding that may not be available in your geographic community. If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership. Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.” The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Jump to highlights: 00:54 Introduction of today’s episode 03:23 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year 04:30 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road 05:23 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group 08:50 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze 10:45 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child 13:36 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents 15:41 Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay. 20:10 It's great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values 22:40 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally 25:00 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child's resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings. 29:37 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’ 31:12 Emma’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise 32:45 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration 35:03 Talking about how Parenting Membership change Jenny’s life 46:40 It's life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled

245: Does praise help or hurt your child? What research actually shows

Sun, 11 May 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?

In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.

Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseIs praise harmful to children?

Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.

What's the difference between praise and appreciation?

Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."

Does praise help motivate children?

Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.

How does praise affect a child's development?

Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.

You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.

You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.

You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them?

When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.

What can I say instead of "good job"?

Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.

How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child?

Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.

Do children need praise to feel loved?

Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.

Jump to highlights

00:46 Introduction of today’s episode

03:28 Definition of praise

05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions

11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied

15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise

24:48 When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children

27:58 Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks

32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior

34:50 Belgian researchers Bart Soenens and Maarten Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived parental control, including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise

43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers

49:09 Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children

01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussion

References

McHugh, H. (2025). From oppressive to progressive praise: How, why, and when to praise in conditions of oppression. Journal of Progressive Education, 12(3), 145-162.

Corpus, J. H., Ogle, C. M., & Love-Geiger, K. E. (2006). The effects of social-comparison versus mastery praise on children's intrinsic motivation. Motivation and Emotion, 30(4), 333-343. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9039-4

Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2020). Taking adolescents' agency in socialization seriously: The role of appraisals and cognitive-behavioral responses in autonomy-relevant parenting. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2020(173), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1002/cad.20370

Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28(1), 129–137. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0035519

Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by rewards: The trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes (25th ed.). Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Lumanlan, J. (July 2, 2017). Episode 042: How to teach a child to use mannershttp://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/manners/

RE-RELEASE: How to get your child to listen to you

Sun, 04 May 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child.

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation. How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance. Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection. Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements. How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority.

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving
Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment
How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone
Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation
The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do)
How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs
Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no')
How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening"
The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children
Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment

If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter. Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? Take the next step in our Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop. Click the image below to sign up. Jump to highlights: 00:45 Introduction of today’s episode 02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop 07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer 08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family 11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children 13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy 13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges 17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children 19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation 21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries 23:00 The importance of respectful parenting 24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO 26:31 Introduction to Problem-Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation 32:52 Our children's resistance creates a "US and THEM" scenario 39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry. 43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems 46:02 Wrapping up the discussion

244: Gentle parenting doesn’t have to mean permissive parenting

Sun, 27 Apr 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection. Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting? No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs. Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work? Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues. How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness? To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting. What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence? A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told. How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations? Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time. What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines? The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative. Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles? Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!

What you'll learn in this episode

In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting. You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy. The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations. We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less. You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation. By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.

FAQs

What's the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting? Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally. Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use? Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships. My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What's really going on? Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas. What can I say instead of "I can't" when setting boundaries with my child? Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment. How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences? Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection. What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection? Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships. How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles? The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of parental control" rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further. How can I tell if I'm being permissive? You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed. And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits. Click the banner to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the "slippery slope" from respectful to permissive parenting isn't inevitable. We'll examine why gentle parenting doesn't mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches 05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth "harmonious" approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children's needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were "easy to control," reflecting her criteria for effective parenting 10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren't actual needs—they're strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what's really driving our parenting decisions 21:24 Logical consequences, are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome 23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied 29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child's behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don't fully see that the choices you're offering are not meeting their need for autonomy 36:21 We shouldn't try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children's connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won't desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines 38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you've met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their request for connection either meets your own need for connection or doesn't prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child's needs are being met, creating a positive outcome 44:09 When we parent were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agree when both our needs align, and set boundaries when our needs aren't being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills 44:40 Wrapping up the discussion 45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop References Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do? Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/

243: Parent Conflict Over Discipline: How to Get on the Same Page

Sun, 20 Apr 2025 20:00:00 -0400

"How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children.

Questions this episode will answer

Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline? Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong." How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don't agree with? When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present. How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight? Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline. What if my partner thinks gentle parenting "doesn't work"? If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together. How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles? Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need.

What you'll learn in this episode

How to use self-compassion when parenting differences arise Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner. The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the "rescuer" while the other is the "bad guy." How to have non-judgmental conversations about discipline Traditional feedback is given by one person to another, but in parenting you'll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Understanding the validation ladder for better communication Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck's Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner's concerns. Validation shows "you're there, you get it, and you care" — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences. How to identify and address the needs behind discipline styles Your partner's preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being "too harsh" might be meeting a need for competence, while being "too soft" might be meeting a need for connection.

FAQs

How do I stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic with my partner? Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child's behavior that's more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what's working and what needs adjustment, away from the children. What should I do when my partner yells at our kids? In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone's feelings without blame ("I can see we're having a hard time"), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you're both calm and the kids aren't present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing. Why does my partner parent so differently than I do? Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner's discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn't. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it. How can I get my partner to be more consistent with discipline? Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Feedback Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family. What if my partner disagrees with my parenting approach completely? In the Parenting Membership, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner's approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You'll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered. And we'll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop! Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights: 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 04:55 Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend in your situation 08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others 12:20 Joellen explains that the feedback process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own 15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting 18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren't relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion's feedback process, where participants must understand each other's wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued 20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling 25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do 27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop 33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain 34:31 A little introduction on Parenting Membership 47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins 50:02 Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting Membership information References Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Compassion for Parents. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/feedback-family-will-hear/

242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear

Sun, 13 Apr 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended. In this episode, we explore The Feedback Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the feedback process effectively, we create conversations that family members can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.

Questions this episode will answer

Why do our attempts to share observations with family members often lead to defensiveness?
What's the difference between criticism and participating in the feedback process?
How can we frame our observations so they're received as helpful rather than hurtful?
What specific language patterns help family members stay open to what we're sharing?
How can we create feedback conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them?
How does shifting from "waiting to respond" to "truly listening" transform the entire feedback dynamic?
How can we teach children to participate in the feedback process constructively?

What you'll learn in this episode

The key components of The Feedback Process framework and how they transform family communications
Practical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or children
Specific language patterns that help feedback recipients stay open to what you're sharing
How to recognize when feedback isn't being received and what to do about it
The crucial difference between criticism and constructive feedback
Ways to create a family culture where feedback strengthens relationships rather than damaging them
How participating in the feedback process builds emotional intelligence in children
Practical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective feedback conversations

This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships.

Joellen Killion's book

The Feedback Process (Affiliate link) Other episodes mentioned

Jump to highlights 00:57 Introduction of today’s guest. 04:17 Key distinction between the traditional feedback that we usually practice and the feedback process. 09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don't have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement. 14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other's underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child's needs. 20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting reflection rather than demanding explanations, you maintain connection while addressing inconsistency. This helps parents recommit to thoughtfully revising agreements when needed. 27:48 The feedback typology and how we know what type of feedback to use in any given situation. 32:48 Examples of what the feedback process looks like in the regulate middle stage, and the metacognitive reflect stage. 35:19 What does reflecting and metacognition look like with a child and with a parenting partner? 38:56 The stages of the feedback process. 40:11 Situations given by Joellen in which we can determine if it is construction knowledge or deconstruction knowledge. 49:26 Success comes from finding the middle ground that allows for consistent parenting. We can examine specific situations where we approached our child's emotions differently, analyzing how each of us felt, how our child reacted, and the ultimate outcomes. From this analysis, we can construct an ideal approach that incorporates both perspectives. 55:55 The first question in the feedback process is what do you want to learn about the topic, because it shows a small indication of motivation, openness, and willingness to learn 57:46 The difference between giving and receiving feedback and engaging in the feedback process or a learning process. 59:10 Wrapping up the discussion. References Bing-You, R. G., & Trowbridge, R. L. (2009). Why medical educators may be failing at feedback. Jama, 302(12), 1330-1331.

Black, P., & Wiliam, D. (1998). Assessment and classroom learning. Assessment in Education: principles, policy & practice, 5(1), 7-74.

Bok, H. G., Teunissen, P. W., Spruijt, A., Fokkema, J. P., van Beukelen, P., Jaarsma, D. A., & van der Vleuten, C. P. (2013). Clarifying students’ feedback‐seeking behaviour in clinical clerkships. Medical education, 47(3), 282-291.

Butler, D. L., & Winne, P. H. (1995). Feedback and self-regulated learning: A theoretical synthesis. Review of educational research, 65(3), 245-281.

Hattie, J., & Timperley, H. (2007). The power of feedback. Review of educational research, 77(1), 81-112.

Kluger, A. N., & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance: a historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary feedback intervention theory. Psychological bulletin, 119(2), 254.

240: How to prepare your kids for the real world

Sun, 16 Mar 2025 20:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we explore how to prepare children for the real world without sacrificing their authentic selves. Drawing on research about food habits, screen time, social expectations, and discipline approaches, this discussion offers balanced strategies that prioritize connection over control. You'll learn how to guide children through external pressures while helping them develop critical thinking skills and maintaining their inherent wisdom.

Questions this episode will answer

How can I help my child navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationships?
What's the evidence about screen time and video games, and how can I approach them constructively?
How do social systems pressure children to conform to limiting gender roles and expectations?
Is traditional discipline truly preparing children for the "real world," or is there a better approach?
How can I honor my child's authentic self while still giving them tools to succeed?

What you'll learn in this episode

The truth about BMI measurements and research on body size that contradicts common assumptions
How the Division of Responsibility model can transform mealtime struggles
Why video games don't increase violence and may offer surprising benefits
Practical ways to help children develop critical thinking about media messages
How to identify the unmet needs behind challenging behavior
The concept of "traumatic invalidation" and its impact on children's development
Step-by-step approaches to build children's self-regulation around screen time
How to create meaningful conversations about problematic messages in children's books
Ways to validate children while preparing them for life's challenges

This episode offers a thoughtful examination of the tensions between societal pressures and children's innate wisdom, providing practical guidance for parents navigating these complex territories. Rather than offering quick fixes, we focus on building connection as the foundation for helping children develop resilience and discernment.

Jump to highlights

00:56 Introducing today’s episode

02:29 All kinds of cultural implications may be involved in what our children consume

04:35 Mealtimes can be stressful for children who likes to consume bread rather than to eat healthy foods like vegetables

07:12 Explaining what is a bliss point of a product

10:41 Things that help parents to navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationship

15:07 Video games often reflect our broader societal values

16:35 Ways on how to help your child develop a healthy relationship with screens while preparing them for the digital world that they will inhabit

22:57 When a video game portrays a male character as warrior and a female character as healer, it often gives the same division of human qualities that pressure boys and girls

24:10 Choosing where the families live will significantly shape what children learn about social structures

26:19 Steps on how parents prepare our children for the reality while helping them develop into individuals

33:09 What is time-out teaching our children about relationship and their place in the world

42:12 How parent’s experiences shape our children to fit in the society

51:05 Acceptance of our own circumstances in dealing with our own child can be helpful at times

58:07 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Linehan, M.M. (2021). Building a life worth living. New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks.

Moss, M. (2013, February 20). The extraordinary science of addictive junk food. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html

National Center for Education Statistics (1996). Do rich and poor districts spend alike? Author. Retrieved from:

https://nces.ed.gov/pubs/web/97916.asp#:~:text=Districts%20with%20high%2Dincome%20households,to%20spend%20for%20public%20education.&text=districts%20with%20moderate%2Dto%2Dhigh,student%20(%245%2C411%2D%20%244%2C774).

239: First year for your newborn baby: The 7 ideas that really matter

Sun, 09 Mar 2025 20:00:00 -0400

What truly matters in a baby’s first year? This episode explores the top seven things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence.

Questions this episode will answer

How much influence do parents really have on their child’s development?
What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference?
Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time?
How can you support your baby’s emotional well-being from day one?
What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond?

What you’ll learn in this episode

Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby’s first year—and what doesn’t.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent:Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices.
Nature vs. Nurture:Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child’s future.
The Truth About Developmental Milestones:Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success.
Helping Your Baby Feel Secure:Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they support healthy development.
Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection:Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby.
Making Parenting Easier:Get clarity on what’s actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn’t on the list.

Join us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family. If you’re ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help. It’s designed to give you the confidence and tools to support your baby’s emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start. You'll get access to nine modules of content on topics like supporting baby's sleep, feeding with confidence, and supporting a strong sibling relationship. You'll also learn how to meet your own needs - because you're a whole person with needs, not just your baby's parent.

Other episodes mentioned

Jump to highlights

01:25 Introducing today’s episode 03:35 Socioeconomic status can make a large contribution to children’s outcome 04:57 Traumatic experiences mostly happen among poor families 09:27 Non-exhaustive list of things that don’t matter enough to be worth worrying about for parents who are expecting a baby or have one under the age of one 16:05 Verbalization of comparing each baby's milestone can create the conditions that we know can arouse shame in a lot of people surrounding the baby 21:23 Childcare is the sixth most important thing that can make an impact on a baby’s life in their first year of existence 26:42 Dividing the workload as a parent is one of the essential things that is crucial for the babies 33:39 How do our childhood experiences affect how we discipline our children? 39:53 Approaches in planning the baby’s first year of existence is the third most important idea that matters 43:31 Learning how to interpret someone’s behavior as an expression of their need can be crucial for babies 46:42 Identifying parent needs is the most important factor that matters for the baby's development 52:01 Wrapping up the discussion References American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/

DeSilver, D. (2013, December 19). Global inequality: How the U.S. compares. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/12/19/global-inequality-how-the-u-s-compares/

Hirth, J. M., & Berenson, A. B. (2012). Racial/ethnic differences in depressive symptoms among young women: The role of intimate partner violence, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of women's health, 21(9), 966-974.

National Institute of Mental Health (2023, July). Major depression. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression#:~:text=disorders%2C%20or%20medication.-,Prevalence%20of%20Major%20Depressive%20Episode%20Among%20Adults,more)%20races%20(13.9%25).

United Nations (n.d.) Inequality – Bridging the divide. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/un75/inequality-bridging-divide#:~:text=The%20measurements%20and%20impacts%20of,urbanisation%20raise%20urgent%20policy%20challenges.

238: Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope

Sun, 16 Feb 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Feeling Overwhelmed by Parenting Stress? You’re Not Alone. If you’re exhausted, stretched too thin, and struggling with the stress of parenting, you’re not the only one. Many parents—especially mothers—find themselves running on empty, constantly trying to meet everyone’s needs while their own go unnoticed. Parenting stress can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and even angry at your kids, whom you love so much. In this episode, we’re unpacking why parenting can feel like too much and what we can do about it. We’ll explore the hidden pressures that push parents toward burnout, the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and small shifts that can help you feel more supported, more present, and less overwhelmed by the daily stress of parenting.

Questions this episode will answer

Why does parenting feel so much harder than I expected?
Is it normal to feel resentful or emotionally drained from the stress of parenting?
Am I an angry parent? Is this just who I am?
How can I take care of myself when my kids need me all the time?
Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or ask for help?
What small, doable changes can I make to feel more balanced and present?

What you’ll learn in this episode

Why so many parents feel like they’re drowning—and why it’snot your fault
What’s really behind that constant exhaustion and frustration
Practical ways to lighten the load without adding more to your to-do list
How small mindset shifts can make parenting feellessoverwhelming
How to recognize when parenting stress is turning you into an angry parent—and what to do about it

This isn’t about striving for perfection or forcing yourself to do more. It’s about finding simple, meaningful ways to care for yourself while still showing up for your family. Parental Burnout Quiz Here's the quiz mentioned in the episode: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout If you snap at your kids more often than you'd like... If your anger seems to come out of nowhere, and you can't stop it... If you've promised your kids you won't yell at them as much, but keep on doing it... ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help. Click the banner to learn more! Core episodes we reviewed:

Other episodes referenced

Jump to highlights 02:21 Introduction of episode 04:05 Four key symptoms of parental burnout 05:00 Factors why the parents in some countries burnout more than others. 06:02 Kelly's burnout experience 08:55 Cortisol level on burnout parent 09:28 Important risk factors for burnout 11:30 The roles of societal expectations on parents 12:58 Personal strategies to address burnout 13:37 Mindfulness awareness 20:25 Self-compassion for parents 21:43 Parents debilitating perfectionism 24:20 Strategy for achieving self-compassion 25:54 Introduction on parental neediness 29:33 The common barrier to prioritize needs 31:31 Need that often gets neglected 34:50 Difference between boundaries and limits 38:36 Why we default to limiting so much 39:59 What happens when parents don’t set boundaries 43:13 Reasons why parents feel overwhelmed 49:00 Ideas to bring out to life

237: 8 reasons your child won’t tell you what’s wrong – and how to help

Sun, 09 Feb 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection. Why Your Child Won’t Open Up—and What You Can Do As parents, we deeply want to support our children, but when we ask, “What’s wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won’t they just tell us what’s going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you’re not alone. In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You’ll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation. The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World.

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings?
How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can't or don't speak?
Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share?
How should I respond when they say,“I don’t care”or“Stop talking like that”?
How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more?
What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it?
What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative?

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions.
How to recognize when your childwantsto open up but doesn’t know how.
The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection.
How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are.
Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions.

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction of episode 02:17 How to problem solve with children who cannot verbally share their feelings 04:34 Children might resist sharing their feelings because we’re focused on changing their behavior 07:53 Children might not participate in the conversation because we judge them 11:51 Children might resist participating in conversation because we have already decided what the “correct” solution is in advance 13:30 We haven’t taken time to understand the child’s needs 16:43 The child might not tell how they feel because they don’t know how they feel 19:56 The child might not tell you what’s wrong because you’re asking them in the heat of the moment References Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 13). The four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Brittle, Z. (2023, May 29). D is for defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/d-is-for-defensiveness/#:~:text=Defensiveness%2C%20defined%20as%20any%20attempt,righteous%20indignation%2C%20counterattack%20and%20whining.

236: How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 20:00:00 -0400

How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse

Parent Laurie was doing really well when she had two kids. She had been with her partner for a long time, she had just achieved her first managerial role at work, and things were going great - so they thought it would be a good time to add a third child. Then: Pandemic. Two kids under three. The oldest child started school and had problems that were diagnosed as ADHD and Autism. Navigating all the appointments and calls from school took so much time that Laurie dropped down to part-time work, so her salary would no longer cover the cost of childcare. She quit her job and became a stay-at-home parent.

The Anger Begins

Then the anger and rage began. Laurie had always had anger throughout her whole life, and thought she knew how to handle it - but this rage was a different story. It felt like she wasn't in control, which is the complete opposite of how she wanted to show up as a parent and as a partner - so she felt deeply ashamed of it. Her husband Jordan bore the brunt of it - for big issues and small. They had a mouse problem...and one day he left Goldfish crackers out. Laurie was like the villainous octopus witch Ursula from The Little Mermaid who wanted to tear everything down - to tear HIM down.

The Impact of Anger on Laurie's Kids

Of course her kids heard all of this. Not long after his diagnosis, her oldest son had given a presentation to his class about his family, and he introduced Laurie by saying: "No matter what happens, my Mom is calm and unflappable and she can handle it." It was Laurie's parenting dream come true, since she didn't grow up in a calm house. Laurie felt so ashamed that she wasn't the calm center of the family anymore, and that her kids were afraid of her.

Where the Anger Comes From

Then she started to learn the sources of her triggered feelings from waaay back in that not-so-calm household. She also learned that getting her husband to change his behavior was not the answer - even though she very much wanted it to be the answer! She started to heal from the hurts she's experienced, and has learned how to sit with her rage without making it her husband's fault. And from there, she's begun to feel the rage less often. Now there are more 'magical' moments in their relationship, as they share silly texts like they used to before they had kids.

How to Repair After Anger

Laurie shares her story in this extraordinarily revealing interview. And at the end I coach her on a challenge she faced that very morning: she's now aware of the difference between feelings and fake feelings (that are really judgments in disguise). But even though she knows the difference she can't always stop herself from directing the ~~fake feelings~~ judgments at her husband - which had started a fight that day. We talked through how to avoid the judgments next time - and how to repair effectively with her husband later that night. I also share a message Laurie sent me about how the repair went! I hope you enjoy this inspiring conversation.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes mentioned: 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers Jump to highlights 01:55 Laurie’s introduction 13:40 Laurie’s intentions when she joined the Taming Your Triggers workshop 23:17 The tools that Laurie put into practice and found helpful 34:32 The changes that Laurie has seen in her family 39:18 Importance of recognizing fake feelings and needs 45:25 Doing difficult behavior to receive connection 49:54 Seeing when you feel agitated in your body 54:26 Starting a non-judgmental observation

235: Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond

"If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore.” Said to a sibling: “If you don’t come and sit down, I'll take your toy.” “If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you.” Has your child made threats like this (or worse ones) when things don't go their way? Whether it’s yelling, “I’ll never be your friend again!” or threatening to hurt you, hearing these words can stop you in your tracks. Why do our kids say things like this? Where do they even get the idea to use threats, when we've never said anything like this to them and we don't think they've heard it from screen time either? In this week's episode we'll dig deeply into these questions, and learn how to respond both in the moment the threat has happened - as well as what to do to reduce future threats. You’ll hear:

A step-by-step strategy to deal with a real-life example - from the parent whose child said "If you don't lie down with me I will shatter your eyeballs!"
The phrases we use with our kids that might unintentionally encourage this kind of behavior
Specific, practical tools to use in the moment - and long before tensions escalate

Are you ready to turn these tough moments into opportunities for deeper connection? Tune in to the episode today. And what happens to you when your child threatens you? Do you lose your mind? Do you freak out that you might be raising a child who needs help to defuse violent tendencies, and then yell at them because their threats are SO INAPPROPRIATE? Hopefully this episode reassures you that that isn't the case. But that may not eliminate your triggered feelings - because these don't always respond to logic.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

Jump to highlights: 03:03 Introduction of Reddit post about a child threatening his parent 19:27 The child listens but doesn’t do what they’re told 36:21 Recognizing the signals 42:42 Recognize the background stress Need help with serious credible threats? Get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. References: Centers for Disease Control (n.d.) About sexual violence. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html#:~:text=Over%20half%20of%20women%20and,experienced%20completed%20or%20attempted%20rape.

Lunasduel (2020). 3.5 year old giving violent threats. Reddit. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/doma9m/35_year_old_giving_violent_threats/

Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault.

234: The problem with Time Outs: Why they fail, and what to do Instead

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0400

The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead

Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa: "Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach? (And if not, what else am I supposed to do when my kid looks me in the eye and does something he knows he’s not supposed to do?)" That episode looked at the academic research on the effectiveness of time-outs, what else might account for the research that finds them ‘effective,’ and whether time-outs might harm children even if the research says they don’t. Today’s episode builds on Part 1 by exploring why time outs often fail to address misbehavior effectively - and may harm parent-child relationships. Key points include:

We often don’t understand the distinction between misbehavior and emotional distress: Researchers agree that we should use time-outs when children misbehave, but not when they’re emotionally distressed. But what if we aren’t as good at telling the difference between those two states as we think we are?
Understanding why children do things we tell them not to do: We look specifically at what Melissa’s 3 ½-year-old son is doing - things like poking her face, throwing a toy when she’s told him not to, and dropping food on the floor during dinner, as well as pulling his sister’s hair, and hitting/kicking her.
How alternatives to time out are even more effective: Even in controlled lab settings, compliance after time-outs often doesn’t exceed 60%. We’ll meet parent Kendra, whose child had an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis that she no longer believes is true now she’s using the tools we discuss in this episode.

Drawing on research and these real-life stories, this episode offers actionable insights for parents who want effective alternatives to time-outs.Whether you’re dealing with boundary-testing toddlers or older children’s challenging behaviors, this episode provides tools to help you deal with your child’s misbehavior by creating empathy and trust, rather than disconnection and resentment.Love what you’re learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one! 👉 Click here: https://learn.yourparentingmojo.com/donate Ready to test your parenting instincts? Take our free quiz to see how these strategies could work for you!

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

Jump to highlights: 01:52 Review of previous episode on timeouts 05:41 Understanding emotional distress and misbehavior 15:51 Addressing misbehavior without timeouts 19:30 The role of emotion regulation in parenting 36:02 Alternatives to timeouts References: Allen, K. D., & Warzak, W. J. (2000). The problem of parental nonadherence in clinical behavior analysis: Effective treatment is not enough. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 33(3), 373-391.

Bostow, D. E., & Bailey, J. B. (1969). Modification of severe disruptive and aggressive behavior using brief timeout and reinforcement procedures. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 2(1), 31-37.

Brown, G. D., & Tyler Jr, V. O. (1968). Time out from reinforcement: A technique for dethroning the “duke” of an institutionalized delinquent group. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 9(3‐4), 203-211.

Burchard, J. D., & Barrera, F. (1972). AN ANALYSIS OF TIMEOUT AND RESPONSE COST IN A PROGRAMMED ENVIRONMENT 1. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 5(3), 271-282.

Carraturo, F., Di Perna, T., Giannicola, V., Nacchia, M. A., Pepe, M., Muzii, B., ... & Scandurra, C. (2023). Envy, social comparison, and depression on social networking sites: a systematic review. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 13(2), 364-376.

Corralejo, S. M., Jensen, S. A., Greathouse, A. D., & Ward, L. E. (2018). Parameters of time-out: Research update and comparison to parenting programs, books, and online recommendations. Behavior therapy, 49(1), 99-112.

Everett, G. E., Hupp, S. D., & Olmi, D. J. (2010). Time-out with parents: A descriptive analysis of 30 years of research. Education and Treatment of Children, 33(2), 235-259.

Kendall, S. B. (1965). Spontaneous recovery after extinction with periodic time-outs. Psychonomic Science, 2, 117-118.

Knight, R. M., Albright, J., Deling, L., Dore-Stites, D., & Drayton, A. K. (2020). Longitudinal relationship between time-out and child emotional and behavioral functioning. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 41(1), 31-37.

Larzelere, R. E., & Raumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported. Law & Contemp. Probs., 73, 57.

Larzelere, R. E., Gunnoe, M. L., Pritsker, J., & Ferguson, C. J. (2024). Resolving the Contradictory Conclusions from Three Reviews of Controlled Longitudinal Studies of Physical Punishment: A Meta-Analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 60(7), 395-433.

Leitenberg, H. (1965). Is time-out from positive reinforcement an aversive event? A review of the experimental evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 64(6), 428.

Lieneman, C. C., Girard, E. I., Quetsch, L. B., & McNeil, C. B. (2020). Emotion regulation and attrition in parent–child interaction therapy. Journal of child and family studies, 29, 978-996.

Morawska, A., & Sanders, M. (2011). Parental use of time out revisited: A useful or harmful parenting strategy? Journal of Child and Family Studies 20, 1-8.

Risley, T. R. (1968). The effects and side effects of punishing the autistic behaviors of a deviant child. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 1(1), 21-34.

Roberts, M. W. (1988). Enforcing chair timeouts with room timeouts. Behavior Modification, 12(3), 353-370.

Roberts, M. W. (1982). Resistance to timeout: Some normative data. Behavioral Assessment4, 239-246.

Roberts, S. (2021, June 3). Arthur Staats dies at 97; called ‘time out’ for unruly kids. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/03/health/dr-arthur-staats-dead.html

Rubenstein, L., & Mourino, A. P. (1983). Time-out: an evaluation of a behavior management technique. Pediatr Dent, 5(2), 109-112.

Samra, A., Warburton, W. A., & Collins, A. M. (2022). Social comparisons: A potential mechanism linking problematic social media use with depression. Journal of Behavioral Addictions.

Sanders, M. R., Bor, W., & Morawska, A. (2007). Maintenance of treatment gains: a comparison of enhanced, standard, and self-directed Triple P-Positive Parenting Program. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 35, 983-998.

Siegel, D. (2014, October 29). You said WHAT about Time-Outs?! Dr. Dan Siegel. Retrieved from: https://drdansiegel.com/you-said-what-about-time-outs/

Spitalnik, R., & Drabman, R. (1976). A classroom timeout procedure for retarded children. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 7(1), 17-21.

“The Colombo Family,” Supernanny. Season 7, Episode 9. Ricochet Television, 2011.

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Essentials for parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/about/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Tips for Time Out. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/time-out/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Treatment of ADHD. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/treatment/?CDC_AAref_Val=https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/treatment.html

Vander Schaaf, S. (2019, March 9). The man who developed timeouts for kids now stands by his hotly-debated idea. Washington Post. Retrieved from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-man-who-developed-timeouts-for-kids-stands-by-his-now-hotly-debated-idea/2019/03/08/c169439e-3159-11e9-8ad3-9a5b113ecd3c_story.html

Webster-Stratton, C., Reid, M. J., & Hammond, M. (2004). Treating children with early-onset conduct problems: Intervention outcomes for parent, child, and teacher training. Journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology, 33(1), 105-124.

Weinberg, M. K., Beeghly, M., Olson, K. L., & Tronick, E. (2008). A still-face paradigm for young children: 2½ year-olds’ reactions to maternal unavailability during the still-face. The journal of developmental processes, 3(1), 4.

Willoughby, R. H. (1969). The effects of time-out from positive reinforcement on the operant behavior of preschool children. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 7(2), 299-313.

Willoughby, R. H. (1970). The influence of different response consequences on children's preference for time-out. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 9(2), 133-141.

Wolf, M., Risley, T., & Mees, H. (1963). Application of operant conditioning procedures to the behaviour problems of an autistic child. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 1(2-4), 305-312.

Wolraich, M. L., Hagan, J. F., Allan, C., Chan, E., Davison, D., Earls, M., ... & Zurhellen, W. (2019). Clinical practice guideline for the diagnosis, evaluation, and treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 144(4).

Xu, Jingyi, Lucy A. Tully, and Mark R. Dadds. "Generation time-out grows up: young adults’ reports about childhood time-out use and their mental health, attachment, and emotion regulation." European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (2024): 1-9.

233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0400

Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave. Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy - although the real reason they’re so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting.But if we’re already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don’t comply with more gentle methods? This episode delves into the research on:

Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for(it’s not the same group of children who are usually study participants!);
The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective(and why it works);
Whether time outs harm children or not(this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world)

If you’ve heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children’s cooperation but weren’t sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it’s a good fit for you and your family. Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 00:03 Introduction 10:23 Historical context and research on timeouts 17:26 Critical analysis of timeout research 28:36 Effective implementation of timeouts 33:59 Challenges and limitations of timeouts 41:49 Jen's personal experiences and emotional impact 49:29 Alternative perspectives and values 57:39 Conclusion and next steps References: Allen, K. D., & Warzak, W. J. (2000). The problem of parental nonadherence in clinical behavior analysis: Effective treatment is not enough. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 33(3), 373-391.